A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

A pleasant volley with the universe / Peace Within

(Preface!)

Happy Equinox, my far-away-friends. It’s nearly two weeks into the time change here and it is still massively kicking my ass, each morning feels like an impossible struggle to even consider getting up, but I am trusting my notes from every previous year that this does indeed pass, and to keep going outdoors as often as I can.

I will be writing up my equinox wishes (a form of Three Months Later…) this weekend, and possibly sharing some with you here soon, or maybe today’s thoughts are the wish-seeds, or maybe both? Maybe both.

Either way, I welcome a moment of pause in the calendar to take a breath and re-orient towards yeses.

Apparently I also wrote about this two years ago.

And I hope you can feel this in some way: I am lighting a candle for [all good things, everything getting better, safety & sanctuary, simple elegant solutions, some really good surprises, ease of ease, it all works out] or something even better than that.

Or something even better. May it be so. Okay, let’s get into it.

Circling (something)

Each day I go outside and circle-walk for a while in my pasture, at least once during the day, sometimes for a few minutes and sometimes for many minutes.

Some days I am just craving this time outside, knowing that as I walk circles alone with my thoughts, everything will resolve itself into some kind of peace.

And other days, I would rather avoid it and even resent it for taking up time in my day, but I do it anyway, because outdoor time is Double Bonus Points, as an ex of mine says, and who doesn’t want Double Bonus Outdoor Points.

It helps

Double bonus points are great. But also I do it because I know from experience that I will feel better once I’m moving, even if I don’t think it will help. It will.

The movement, the delicious fresh air, the companionship of my tree friends, being outdoors beneath the enormous New Mexico sky. It all helps.

In fact, pasture walking is in that exact category of things that help more than I think they will, even if not always as much as I want or need them to.

Yoga, for example, for me. Jogging. Dance party in my living room. Getting on the floor and rolling around.

Sometimes these are transformative practices that completely shift everything, and I wonder why I didn’t do them sooner. Sometimes they help me feel ten percent better, but ten percent better is not an insignificant shift either.

Either way, totally worth it. Do the things that help, babe. (I say this to myself a lot.)

(What am I circling)

One afternoon last week while circle-walking in the pasture, a jogger passed by on the road and we waved to each other.

It was a moment of feeling this exquisite blend of deeply human emotion: equal parts sad and happy at the same time.

Happy because of the delight in a moment of simple human connection, unexpected as it is out here in the wild wilds. I live so remote, at a great distance from everything. It’s not often that I wave to anyone at all.

Sad because other than my birthday hike with Cate to hug my favorite tree, it had been probably six weeks without seeing a friend or having an in-person conversation, and waving to someone reminded me of my ongoing wish:

I wish I had more friends here…

Except I don’t know what to do with that wish, because of a variety of circumstances, not the least of which is being an immunocompromised person who cannot afford to get Covid so I’m not about to go do a bunch of socializing, even if I had the resources and energy to head into civilization that often.

Almost and sort-of, but keep moving, keep it moving

Here’s the thing. It’s hard to solve a mystery about lack or perceived lack from a place of empty; it helps to refill first.

And so I headed to Arizona for emergency supplies of hugs and conversation, and to escape the wilding wind storms.

I drove through a dust storm (the signs with the flashing lights said it was a level 3 dust storm, but what does that mean?) and then an enormous rainstorm, and barely made it up a gnarly back road to my aunt Meira who is not really my aunt, but almost and sort-of.

Almost and sort-of is kind of a theme these days.

Movement

It was wonderful to be reunited with her. A breath for the joy of this.

We listened to the rain and drank tea and talked about heartbreak and healing, the converging rivers of knowing something is for the best but also being in pain about it.

And about circle-walking. A healing form of movement. Or: movement is the healing, and the form doesn’t matter. But I do love a circle walk.

In the quiet / not in the quiet / back to the quiet

She told me a story of being in such a state of chaotic rage and fury, many years ago, that she circle-walked her way through a fit of ranting, until a voice that was not hers told her very firmly: BE QUIET.

And then she quieted.

I asked if she thought the voice meant it in the sense of Be in the state of quiet, aka quiet your thoughts, enter into quiet? Or if it was more like omg please stfu and stop whining, and she said it was definitely the first sense of being quiet. An instruction, but a kind one.

And that when she went back inside to the [source/s of the chaotic rage meltdown], she had lost her voice and actually had to be in a state of quiet for longer than anticipated.

What lives inside a wish

I have been journaling a lot on my wishes lately, and many of my wishes center around companionship; more friends here, more friends coming to visit, more people to hike with, more phone calls, not letting myself over-isolate…

There is also something here about prioritizing this, on my part. Why did it take me until I was running on empty when it comes to conversation and hugs to go seek them? Preventative care > waiting until things are dire.

Or as Bluetree wisely put it, asking for help > walking into the sea.

The essence of the wish is the hum, stay with the hum

A the same time, I am noticing how these wishes are forcing me — or at least they are asking me — to investigate the question of how do I make sure I am maintaining my hum of peace and quiet and steadiness while also inviting more intentional connection…

What do I know about this fear of losing myself inside of connection?

What helps me maintain my Havi hum? The hum of self, of my such-ness….

This also seems to be about staying true to something essential, which requires both quiet and connection…

The usual conundrum

The usual conundrum: I like expansive views, deep startling quiet, open space, a clear line of sight, a million stars, to be in nature, not just adjacent to it. Not only do I like all these things, I require them.

I isolate in part to make sure I have these in abundance, because without them, I can’t thrive.

But then I also crave shared laughter, easy companionship, someone to walk with, someone to cook with or for.

It’s not that I want someone to live here with me full time, but I wish for more frequent visitors in the category of people I would enjoy visiting with.

Another theme that comes up in wishing my wishes is how much I miss a good volley…

A good volley

I spent the majority of my twenties in Tel Aviv and then in Berlin, and that was the right age and the right location for the experience of one thing deliciously leads to another.

I’d stop at a kiosk or go take a yoga class, strike up a conversation with someone, they’d invite me to a gallery opening, and from there someone else would invite me to a rooftop party, and three days later I would find myself with new friends and a bunch of absolutely wild stories.

A delightful volley with the universe.

Now I live alone on the edge of the forest, and avoid people to get enough quiet, and also to protect my immune system, and I miss some good volleying.

Available?

For a long time I was starting my morning with silent meditation, and then something shifted, and it wasn’t working for me anymore, and I switched to listening to guided meditations.

One of the morning meditations I sit with says something about staying open, available to what the universe has in store today.

At first I noticed myself feeling prickly about this phrase, because certainly the last few years what the universe has had in store for me has been really fucking challenging.

Lightness

Then slowly over time, I began to find some lightness in this notion of [AVAILABLE], and began to ask myself: am I paying attention, with love, to what is being offered in the day?

Where could I be more receptive and available? Surely that too starts with noticing, and with quieting.

Quieting to notice. Noticing to quiet. Its own form of circle walking.

What am I like when I am available for the thing I think I wish for? Because it is a bit silly to keep wishing for something and then stay unavailable to it…

Compassion Compassion Compassion

Each morning I set an intention for the day, and here is what’s been coming up over the past weeks:

COMPASSION COMPASSION COMPASSION. For myself first and foremost. Glowing it outward for whoever needs it. And making sure I keep directing it inward.

Calm Steady Focus.

Peace Within.

Grounded Enthusiasm.

Devoted to Pleasure.

Deliberate Thriving.

And of course, cultivating this mindset of staying available to beautiful surprises.

A good volley

I met a friend of Meira’s who is a woman in her 80s who reads tarot, an absolute shining radiant jewel of a person, and then went to my appointment and ran errands.

On the second errand, a woman stopped me and asked if I had just been at [previous errand location] because she had been there too and noticed me. Normally I would probably say something polite in response, laugh and keep it moving.

But in the interest of staying receptive to what the universe has in store, and staying true to my wish of having more real, present, grace-filled human interactions, I stopped to chat, which is extremely unlike me, and we had a really lovely easy conversation.

What fun. What a good surprise. Here’s to staying available.

Unexpected

I like people who say unexpected things that make me think; this is why I read Etgar Keret stories, or spend time with my aunt-not-aunt Meira.

And Nina, the person who somehow was on the exact same trajectory of Friday errands as I was, turned out to have lots of firm ideas about what is good, which was a delight. God I love a good strongly held opinion, especially an unexpected one.

She asked where I was going next, and my plan was to meet up with my friend V and go to a kitchen supply store — a favorite shared activity, and something we have been doing on and off for at least six years.

We discussed kitchen supply stores, and agreed on the best one, and Nina instructed me to stop by the nearby Italian import market, telling me to take it from an Italian that this place is legit.

Clue-following, with commitment

As it turns out, this is the very place that catered V’s parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, so apparently all the Italian-Americans of Tucson agree on this one very specific thing, and so we went, and it was wonderful.

Clue-following, with commitment: another form of staying available.

Yes. Open, available, receptive to what universe has in store: a VOLLEY WITH THE UNIVERSE.

There is some good magic to receptive and available, to a devotion to clue-following. And to getting/staying quiet enough to hear it or receive it. You need both. Or at least I do.

Wisdom, walking

I missed pasture-walking and so I dragged V to a favorite labyrinth, which is not exactly like pasture-walking but it is a quieting (and circular!) experience, and then went to visit two more labyrinths on my own later in the day.

Here is the labyrinth wisdom I received:

“In order to follow the next indicated step you need to get quiet enough to perceive it”.

And, “Root down, lighten up.”

And, “To get past heartbreak, do everything with passion.”

Thanks for the volley. I have more to journal on and explore now.

Available

This to me is also part of staying receptive, open and available. It is less about the wisdom (although I love this wisdom), and more about letting it ripple out into my consciousness.

Can I maintain a state of light-hearted receptivity as I try to stay true to myself and my wishes? Can I stay available to interacting with these gems of truth, or even a small aspect of them?

What if Root Down Lighten Up isn’t about “hey you need to lighten up and stop being such a baby”, and instead is more about let the light move upwards through you, or even stay grounded to better connect to lightheartedness…

What comes next, now that I am back home? I joined a local hiking club, as a talisman promise to myself that I am going to try to be around people more but also spend even more time moving in nature.

And I am investigating what else I can do or approach with passion, and how to avoid the trap of thinking that nothing I do is enough…

What’s next?

I am going to take all of this to the pasture, and walk it out.

And try to keep slowing things down so that I can make sure I am paying attention.

If you have any wishes you are wishing, drop a tiny clue about them in the comments or anything you know about them that you want to investigate, and I will light a candle for good volleying, for beautiful surprises, for positive shift, for wisdom revealing itself in good timing, for whatever is needed most.

Lots of love to everyone who reads.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️