the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 373rd week of wishing, come play!
and I’m off! (i)
this is the happy exclamation of the grand adventurer
off to be wild-and-free
somewhere new and beautiful
out there under the stars
it of course has other meanings
for example…
turning things off
I have exited the door and shut the lights
not available
there is no way to reach me
I’m done, I quit, going dark,
into the deep quiet
and I’m off (ii)
yesterday I took off for Boise, Idaho
with my four backpacks and my one-way ticket
it was the first time I haven’t felt nervous
about a big life change
just peaceful and clear
ready for whatever this is
I like it
after 131 days of being in between homes
ready for whatever new adventures await
and ready to be off
(and I’m off!)
a beautiful exit (i)
jordan gave me a ride to the airport
we danced in the car to A Long Walk
no need for words
no one planned this
just a moment of accidental angels in a constellation
a beautiful exit (ii)
I have an airport mantra that I whisper in my heart
and it makes me laugh:
I am a star and all doors open for me
all doors open for everyone at the airport
because they’re automatic doors
but I like circulating these words in me
letting them echo through the cathedral hall in my mind
wind their way through me
as I stride forward down the airport corridors
steadily crossing my imaginary finish line
feeling the rush of all doors opening just for me
naming the superpowers
what are the superpowers I want to call in or uncover
during operation wild freedom under the stars
what does a star require
what wisdom or suggestions does the me-at-the-close-of-this-chapter
have for me of right-now
what can I appreciate about the skills I have now
that allow me to be here now
stars (i)
ohmygod the stars here in Idaho
never have I seen even close to this many stars
not even when I lived in the northern negev desert
and we’d camp out in the wadi under that huge sky
thinking now about a wine bottle we buried there
stars (ii)
in the float tank I had a beautiful and startling vision
that showed me living inside of a planetarium
and there was no furniture, only a bathtub with
voluptuous curves
under the spectacular curving projected night sky
this felt exactly like that
except of course I still need a bathtub
and somewhere to put it
somehow I only just now got that
straight (i)
emily my sort-of-maybe-girlfriend not-a-girlfriend almost-girlfriend
from once upon a time used to make fun of me
for what she perceived to be my meandering paths
“you know, she’d say, with that laugh that I loved-loved-loved,
“or do you not know this, did you know
the shortest distance between two points
is a straight line”
but, I mean, who cares about straight,
lines or otherwise,
and who cares about whether or not the distance is shorter,
there is plenty of time and the most interesting path
is the one that draws me, not the one that has less length,
but I was so completely charmed by her
laughing happily each time she said it
when she broke up with me
there was this indescribable state of total
I don’t even know how to name it
— utter bewilderment in the face of loss? —
for months and months
life without her hand in mine and her
teasing about my unconventional trajectories
none of it made any sense
straight (ii)
last week the receptionist at my eye doctor said to me
“honey your problem is that you don’t look straight”
and I was like, wait what
I mean, come on, I feel like I successfully pull off a sort of
queer-lite low-femme probably-up-to-trouble kind of vibe
cute girls smile-flirt with me on the street
they know what’s up, they’re not slow
just not my type
(hey not everyone can be an emily)
but I definitely pass as straight too,
I’m at the very least medium-straight
so what are you even talking about
except haha it turned out she meant that
I kind of glance sideways in a way that
makes it more difficult to remove this new kind of contact lens
yes, okay, I have this sideways glance
and we are talking about my eyes
got it
and this is one of the many unsung (ha!)
benefits of being nonverbal
because that whole misunderstanding sorted itself out
in my head
which is considerably less embarrassing
than it could have been
lalala we’re good now
I am so very clear (i)
I have been obsessed with clarity lately, and all forms of clear
clearing out, clearing up, clear
like a bell
and this month’s superpower is
{I Am So Very Clear}
clearing the path so the path is clear
clear like after the rain
which is when the rainbows come out
and Awareness of Rainbows is my other superpower this month
and yes, I get how funny that is
because I didn’t mean that rainbow but of course that too because…
I am so very clear (ii)
whenever I heart-whisper my mantra of I Am So Very Clear
then Stella changes it to I Am So Very Queer
it’s her favorite joke
Stella is a star
she really is
get out and be (i)
while clearing things out in the basement storage room I found
a note from past-me
it says GET OUT AND BE HARD TO FIND
last week I wished a wish about
there are no doors for people to knock at
ahhhh yes
get out and be hard to find
this is also a wish about reducing input in all forms
get out and be (ii)
there is another meaning too though
about deep presence
and the conditions that make it possible to get out and be
that is my goal-desire for this time on the road:
get out and be
and this is hard to find
(get it? get out and be / this is hard to find)
because the game is rigged
and there is always somehow So Much To Do And Then Even More
even out in the middle of nowhere
so I need to make space for the just-being
to lovingly commit to being harder to find
what do I know about my wishes?
these are wishes of ENTERING
they’re about glow, trust, play, joy,
identity — of course, always,
and radiant boundaries
being a star among the stars
my shininess is ON and so
everything else can be off
(and I’m off!)
while I experiment with even deeper levels of quiet
even more intense commitment to my sparkliness,
and of course entirely new levels of awareness
of rainbows and everything else that asks for my
loving attention
the superpower of I Am So Very Clear
August was MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and now we are in INTENTION and I Am So Very Clear
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called Inventory
not sure how I would have packed without it
but it also helped me question a lot of the intangible things in my life
and release so much more than I ever thought possible
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Follow
There is nothing quite like a sky filled with stars. <3 <3 <3
Now I am imagining all of our wishes as stars, filling the sky with light. A tall ship, and a star to steer her by…
I was feeling a bit unmoored recently, so I made a wish to come home to myself. I'm already feeling better, and I want to feel even better yet, so I'm renewing that wish. May I be so steady in the ship of myself that whatever happens, and wherever I go, I am always at home.
!!! !!! !!!
Starriness!
Curves!
Wondrousness!
Wanderings and wonderings!
Second star to the right and straight on ’til morning
ALso, please don’t abandon us, even as you disappear into the night sky. Please remember to send us occasional smoke signals.
Bon Voyage! Tall ships and stars to steer by!
I love this post, you are such a beautiful writer. Wishing you much clear Be-ing under the stars. Also, this month’s door is AMAZING, so gorgeous.
My wish today is related to clarity, but more about focus. Along the lines of Alignment (last week’s wish). I want to be FOCUSED on the things that bring me into Alignment. For me, lately (or maybe always, and I am only now learning this), clarity comes as a *result* of (aligned) action, not as a precursor to. Or maybe it’s that what is immediately in front of me is very clear, but I keep looking past that to fuzzier future things, when really all I need to do is just focus on This Very Next Step. What is around the corner will come into being in its own Right Timing.
So, may I have superpowers of Aligned Focus this week, to inspire action(s) that will move me toward (greater) clarity.
Yes. <3
Here’s to Aligned Focus! Aligned focus-pocus (I don’t know, extra magic?) <3
Aligned focus-pocus!!! <3 <3 <3
I’ve never done a 1-way ticket somewhere, but I love how open-ended it is. An intriguing thing to think about.
I will be gazing at many stars out west tomorrow night.
I’ve been reading less and (trying but failing to) connect with other human beings less, opening myself up to the selves I will meet when I arrive. A lot of breathing, and feeling, but not thinking. In fact, I have a saying, “I’d rather be wordless” (referring to being out in the woods, or walking along water), and I hope I will be wordless there too.
Beautiful wishes and wonderful adventures for all!
Hello, Havi! Hello, wishers! Hello, week!
What have we this week? Andrew’s funeral. The prayer group kicks off again. It is my last week in my current job.
How am I feeling about all this? A bit as if I will have to hide stuff. Hide the burnout from the Quakers. Hide the queerness from the prayer group. Hide the… no, the jobs can know about each other, that’s OK. But guilty about hiding stuff.
What do I want? Safety first. To know that it is OK to hide if I need to. To know that it will probably all be OK but that even if it is I don’t have to be all out all at the same time.
What do I need? How does this work? I think the answer to one problem is found in one of the other ones. I don’t need to feel all shouldified at the funeral because I have a new and interesting job to talk about. I don’t have to mention everything at the prayer group (and I can make myself a rainbow necklace for future reference). Red lipstick will probably help, because it usually does.
But I would like to be more grounded even than that. I would like to not give a damn what other people think, no matter how much respect I have for them and for their opinion. I want to come as myself. (Ah: hence the red lipstick, I think.)
MAY IT BE SO <3
Ah, what beautiful wishes. And, oh, the stars.
Last week I wanted more realness, more ground, more connections that mattered.
Those things came in the form of:
– hiking! so much ground. so many rocks. also tears. also swearing. also swimming in waterfalls.
– a dying client who told me secrets about the love of her life.
– chats on a hostel porch with my right people.
And I was able to hold lightly to and then let go of:
– a Match date that wasn’t with my right person,
– racist angry white guys in a bar, sadly, not just one guy
– a friend I love who turns into racist angry white guy in a bar,
– the connections that weren’t real and didn’t need my time or energy,
This week I want:
– more connection,
– creation time,
– good tickets,
– more love.