It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Wearing my crown.
I wrote a note to myself before going out to a waltz event, and it said sweetie wear your crown.
At the beginning of each song, I adjusted my crown in my mind. The purpose of this was to help me remember to make space for myself, to not agree to discomfort in order to be polite.
But it also helped me remember to keep my head up and look straight ahead, so I ended up dancing better.
And then, on the way to the dentist, I had a little panic about needing my crown there (still talking about the sovereignty crown, not the tooth crown, though okay, that too), and guess what happened?
I passed a jewelry store I’d never noticed before. It’s called Malka. Which means queen in Hebrew. And suddenly, just like that, my crown was back. How’s that?
Next time I might…
Ask for company.
This week involved lots of things that scare me, and I was trying really hard to not show it.
Even though, yes, okay, I cried in my lover’s arms for twenty minutes about having to go get a physical.
Anyway, sometimes I try to just get through things myself. But having company is lovely. And really, asking for companionship is not as embarrassing as all my monsters think it is.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Seriously the amount of crap I had to deal with this week. Painful dental work times two. The aforementioned physical. Things that are not fun and take time and cost money and require logisticking. A breath for getting through.
- Massive dread re all of the above. A breath for presence, and for grace.
- Underestimated (or really, did not account for at all) how much I’d be in shock, coming back to the city after 43 days on the road, mostly in quiet, beautiful places. The city is grimy and ugly and even though I’d already known it had long lost the spark for me, I don’t even know why I came back. A breath for this.
- Speaking of adjustments, I’d expected it would feel lovely and spacious to have time to myself again, but in reality not seeing the boy for five days was kind of awful. And now we are on round two of five days without the boy. A breath for missing.
- Good lord I have a lot of work to do right now. A breath for freedom, and for trust.
- In the category of “be careful what you wish for”, I came back from my six weeks of Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic with SO MUCH CLARITY it hurts. I am super ridiculously clear on things, I’m not even sure anyone should be so clear on things. And there have been some seriously uncomfortable moments of seeing the writing on the wall about future challenges. A breath for releasing and for trusting.
- Computer has been frozen for a week, so far none of the fixes have worked. Is this a red sweater thing? It had better be, because right now this is incredibly frustrating. A breath for trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Total hannuka miracles, almost of the old-school variety. First the boy and I ran out of gas (which is basically oil), and then rolled on fumes into a town that might or might not have what we needed. It worked but only barely. Then on the seventh day we realized we were out of hannuka candles, and Richard found an entire box hidden in a cabinet. Taking both of these as reminders that Nothing Is Wrong. Oh, and a christmas miracle too when the beautiful boy surprised me by showing up at my secret hideout. A breath for remembering that marvelous surprises, perfect simple solutions, happy endings can just show up.
- A marvelous gift in the form of a new hot water bottle, it is the coziest thing imaginable and somehow even better than the one I brought back from Berlin. A breath for Gemuetlichkeit.
- I turned That Day That Is Always A Horrible Day into a great day, because I am a genius. A breath for sudden realizations.
- The physical I was so dreading ended up being the easiest visit to a doctor that I’ve ever had in my entire life. And I politely refused to get weighed, and it wasn’t even a big deal. A breath for rewriting old experiences.
- A plan is coming together! Both for this coming Shmita year, and for how I want to work after that, and where I might want to be while this is happening. A breath for welcoming adventure.
- Had first ever miscommunication with the boy, and we sorted it out so quickly and with so much love and steadiness. Thank you, all the communication skills I have worked towards acquiring. Thank you, someone who can be present with this. A breath for being able to see how beautiful this is.
- Monday night. A breath for warmth and sweetness.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Writing time with Marisa. Bouncing time to music. A mini-epiphany about dance. Tiny miracles everywhere. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
So much writing done this week! I am kind of in shock. It is all coming together, thanks to the fractal flowers. Goodies soon, to those waiting patiently for ebooks, and announcements soon, for those who can’t wait to find out what’s happening for Plum Duff. Are you on the list? Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
I posted this last week and I’m posting it again, because I feel so strongly about this: These are my tools.
This is an important reminder for me right now, what with the non-functional computer, and all the contortionist maneuvers I’ve been engaging in to not replace it. Guess what, babe. You’re a writer, and you need tools.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpower of This Is So Much Easier Than I Expected, which is a fabulous superpower.
Superpowers I want.
I want the superpower of I Do Not Have To Explain Myself, I Just Do It.
The Salve of This Is So Much Easier Than I Expected.
This salve is an especially magical one, and it goes on so easily, it just sort of glides.
This salve dissolves any internal rules I might have about the way things are, and why everything is horrible.
When I wear this salve, I am able to ask for what I need. I exchange secret smiles with people around me, I see clues everywhere.
The things I need are there for me. I smile and whisper thank you in my heart.
This salve reminds me that I am cared for, I am held, it is okay to ask, it is okay to want.
It smells of mountain air and I laugh happily whenever I wear it.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes from Kathleen, and they’re called I Am The Ether Bunny, this is based on me speaking into the ether about having sneakily posted while no one was online, and it is such a good name. Like, I think this is a job I could actually do. Anyway, this is my new favorite band, and actually it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Follow
Hard:
* icky Nearest and Dearest Are Tired of My Stories/Grudges reax
* icky You Getting Things Done Is A Threat vibe
* cough still in Alarming Other People frequency/loudness
* ludicrous fear popcorn abt negotiations on horizon
* peppers rotting instead of ripening on stems
* unpredictable cramps, gah
Good:
* So grateful for my mad fox-around/over/under/through-the-fence skillz. For the hardnosed stubborn peasant genetic emotional makeup that makes me an utter pain in the ass but also powers me through what needs doing.
* Tomato cuttings thriving
* Experimenting with other photographers’ lens
* Jonathan Green coloring book among my Christmas presents!
* Cherry-flavored lolly.
* Doggies so darling!
Secret smiles and warm wishes to all y’all.
The hard:
People getting old and frail
The state of my belly today, both inside and out
Reading my journal from last Christmas when I was as alone as I am now, and still not knowing how to change that.
The good:
Family
Friends
Returning home after visits
Sleeping until 10:30am
The sun is back
Home making
Cheers, Chickeneers!
Hard:
– So much stress getting ready for my trip. This may be one of these HSP things you just plan for, or it may be something else. At any rate, it was uncomfortable.
– Not enough sleep at all over the weekend.
– Every time I put my ears underwater, I get an ear infection. This is known. And yet I put my ear underwater anyway, and now I don’t yet have an infection, but I can’t hear out of it and it’s disorienting and uncomfortable.
– A family member having a complete meltdown on Christmas morning.
– Getting caught in the general B family drama, which is strong and deep and frequently painful.
– Outsider syndrome.
– An old flame invited me to reconnect, but in such a lowest common denominator kind of way that I’m almost offended. This is the level that you feel encompasses “us?” All the magic, all the sparkle and depth, reduced to *this*? I feel disoriented and disillusioned.
The Good:
– 9 hours in the car with a 2yo… Went totally smoothly. She drew, she slept, she read, she sang. We stopped a lot. She didn’t cry at all. It was great.
– Then she slept beautifully! Every nap and every bedtime has been great. Easy. Even in multiple relatives’ houses. Thank goodness for sleep.
– We did the last two nights of Hanukkah over FaceTime and it was way better than I’d feared. FaceTime chats everyday mean Scarlet and I don’t miss her dad so much.
– This is the first visit to relatives where I haven’t eaten anything that makes me sick. I’m so proud of myself!
– Getting to see my dear cousins, and my brother, and my brother’s fiancée.
– I have very different parenting values than most of my family, and I’ve firmly and calmly stood up for them and there’s been very little drama about it. Less approval and appreciation than I’d like, but at least I’m clear that I this is not the place to seek those things.
– Good news about school means I’m getting tons of aid and I can graduate in less than a year, or a whole year if I take it slow.
– The two preschool programs in which I’m interested have space when I need it and don’t require independent toileting skills. So I may even have a choice.
– I got the best Christmas present!!! Zero drop warm rain boots!!!! They fit great. I’m wearing them everywhere. It’s wonderful.
<3 to all
We thought that we might be spending Christmas at the hospital or keeping vigil for my mom but she bounced back! She was in good spirits and was playful, and she looked happy and healthy.
My sister’s house, the epitome of shabby chic — it looks charming even with cracked plaster and faded paint. I think I’ll miss its character when she gets the repairs all done.
Zach fixed my tablet; I might be able to enjoy using it now.
Last minute decorations look nice, and I get to enjoy them now, without triggering “do this do that shop wrap bake”.
My other sister’s baked goods — she makes goodies that accommodate all the special diets. She’s the best!
The predicted snow mixed with rain on Christmas Eve didn’t happen, and we had safe travels on Christmas Day.
With the holiday, I had to pause my just-begun Operation Orchid.
The things that were lost are still lost. A breath for that.
love to everyone’s chickens <3
what worked this week?
Having the right things at the top of my toolbox: Taking care of me first. Force fields. Patternizing. But-zapping. Bubble and salt baths.
Multiple situations. same tools. they are all connected. Getting better at not only interacting with patterns and interrupting them. Like, I know the pattern is that she will spill her Coke (a proxy), usually on me. And this time, I leaped out of the way when the can started to tumble.
Playing the game of zapping the word “but”. What an awesome game! So much illumination comes from that tiny word. Also, very fun that the game is catchy. People notice my but zapping, and they join in and we all go hey! and yes!
next time I might…
Not wear my good clothing where I know Coke will be spilled. Move to the other side of the room or to another room when the Coke comes out of the fridge. Leave a gift for future me by setting up the tub so it welcomes me when I come home, and all I have to do is run the water.
minus and plus
-the week is at its end and so is my time off from work
-the week was full of busy
-traffic and more traffic
+the busy would have still been there, plus the 40-hour work week, so there was relief and a bit of ease not having to go into work
+spending a day w/BFF, so nice to both have a same day off
+I have 3 open, free days before Monday
+bubble baths and a blanket fort this weekend
+the goofiness of my dogs, just when I need it
Oh, I will take all of that salve and hoard it. <3
The hard:
– people. Lovely people, but my brain was worn out and I had to cry in the kitchen
– I am getting much better at knowing and saying what I want, but people do not necessarily believe me (yes! I am much happier standing up! it is easier to get to the door if I need to escape!)
– good grief the loud
– I am still sooooo tired after all this work and travel and stuff
The good:
– people liked the things I wrote! There is very little that I find so pleasing as that.
– lovely in-laws look after me and do not mind my crying in the kitchen
– we’re here, and safe, and it is very good
Much love to all of you.
Yay! Ether Bunny! I am delighted.
Also, the “These are my tools” post is one of my all-time favorites. <3
I have been having holiday hards and holiday goods, and really the goods have been outweighing the hards, so I am fortunate and grateful. Letting other people have their stuff has been hugely helpful, as has plenty of sweet and sparkling self-care.
I am soaking in that salve at this very moment. Thank you!
Dearest Havi’s friends = if you’ve gotten a Page Not Found for the Tools post, here’s a link that worked for me: http://fluentself.com//blog/biggification/these-are-my-tools/
Yes i have always loved that post. Merry ho ho and cluck.
What worked this: super powers, noticing and knowing i’ about to get some extended downtime.
the sucks:
-my new fat-burning supplements has me feeling very amped and ungrounded
-somethign fucking up my spreadsheet at work minutes before my boss was asking about it.
-lost entire morning fixing this, when i had so many othr things to do.
-Orange blossom issues are bugging me. The friendly dogs are toxic. The Occultist has blown me off, for good and all, and while i believ it is the bext solution, it stings
-K calls me. Despite having decided she didnt wat to play with me, now that she is back to calling me, she is acting like i dumped her. a breath for completely annoyed
-going to 2 different winter solstice events and having neither ring my ritual chimes
-the hectic of the season means the solstice blew right past and i was almost too busy to notice, and i was not really able to sink into as deeply as i wanted
– my heart has slipped its moorings
-lots of ancient luicrous fear popcorn, along with systemic inabilities to make appropriate and wanted chnge
-Bolivia is a tough fucking town.
-Dec 23, is this a Dutch tradition of Krampus, that the 23rd must suck ass??
but so much sprkle:
– as
-huband and i in a good place.
-it;s xmas. it’s the solstice, yule. it’s darka dn quiet and magick
my usband has totally sold me on the joys of the heat&serve christmas. we ordered delivery sushi on the eve, and noshed out to 5 million snacks on the dy and it was perfect
-yes it was cold, still is, but it feels okay
-i really loved not having to immediately run off to miami on the 26th. we didnt even leave the house since wednesday afternoon and i am okay with it. thsi si more downtime than i’ve gotten in a while, and my husband’s request for it at first felt angry and pressurey, but this really ahs been nice: 4 long days for just us and the kids to rest and play. we spent hours playing monopoly yesterday
Also, right now we’re deep in transiton, old year to new, the new moon and the solstice on the same day. i am always antsy in these in between times, so i am Embarking a lot, because 2015 is going to be full of adventures and i want to enter this year as consciously, sa full of intent as i can.
Happy winter holidays everyone!
Hiho chickens <3 <3 <3
What has been happening in my part of the world? Let's see…
Some things that I've found hard, including
* anxiety high, confidence low. Like deers and rabbits and other wusses I mean prey I mean creatures I have been relating to a bit lately.
* sleep resistance is a part of the anxiety state. As is resistance to 'proper' relaxation. How much solitaire can one person play? It's embarrassing.
* change is happening. I know it's okay. I'm just tired.
* my body is deciding it doesn't want toxic nail polish, shampoo, deoderant, etc anymore. And we want nearly all our food to come from the farmer's market. This is going to be an expensive transition. Thinking about it makes me tired. Knowing it will probably take years is also tiring because the No Time Gremlin Horde are hammering on the anxiety volume switch.
* lonesome. Wish I had a bestie ACTUALLY ON MY CONTINENT. In my town to be precise. In a share house would be ideal. But yeah nah not happening (yet).
* the disconnected relationship that I am so deep in my stuff about it means I can't reach out and I assume they are waiting for me to reach out and it might be patiently and it might be irritated-ly and I don't know and I don't want to get in trouble but I think I already am and urggghh. FFS. 'Are you okay?'. It would be nice to hear, but I doubt I will. It's my 'turn' you see, I 'owe' them. This transaction and keeping of accounts does my head in. Nevertheless, many many members of the monster parliament in my head actually agree with them (projection much?), so I'm in trouble all the time everyday as it is, and doesn't that count? No.
Hmmmm, that's kind of a lot of hard actually.
I might go process a little and chicken the good stuff later. There's been plenty.
<3
Cheers and light to you all!
Frustrations:
• Operation Unsafe Lairs. The anagram proxy says it all.
• The “I Knew You Couldn’t Sustain That” monsters are trashing the joint.
• The dread and discomfort of flying cross-country at oh-dark-thirty is looming.
• This is not how/where I wanted this to go.
• The perception that if I don’t steer this ship, it’ll go aground.
• Doing a lot of hand-holding, but nobody is holding mine.
• Ludicrous Fear Popcorn and Mind-Reading the Criticism
• Close calls. Several of them.
• Invasions of privacy and associated PTSD.
• Forced triage. Leaving things behind.
• Having to set up safeguards in self defense, for the first time in years.
Delights:
• Sharing the holidays in our new Burrow, with almost everyone we love. So much warmth and laughter and love and light.
• Deciding that this is how we do things. Establishing our culture.
• Remembering my crown, and standing tall.
• Invoking the power of No and trusting the feeling that No is the right answer. And doing so in a very sovereign way that did not knock off anybody else’s crown, either. That felt good.
• Saving room for future Yes.
• Choosing self-care and joy—even in tiny amounts.
• Relying on my systems, and realizing that the systems I created are really, really good. Remembering that this is what they’re here for.
The superpower I had this week:
Trusting my instincts, and those of Future Me. She knows her stuff.
What I am going to try next week:
Bring extra bobby pins to make sure my crown stays put in the windy presence of blustery relatives.
What I’d like to remember to make room for:
Naming the gwishes for the new year, and giving myself time and space to plant seeds!
Wishing you all light and spaciousness!
Hard:
-ch-ch-ch-changes — leaving a job that I loved but that wasn’t right for me to move back in with my parents (whom I love, but this might also not be right for me)
-grandmother deteriorating like WHOA mentally; this is so painful because she’s always been the sharpest member of our family
-babies everywhere; augh. i love my niblings but I need NOT babies if I want to relax.
Good:
-love everywhere — we’re all supporting each other and that feels good