It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Taking it to the bath.
Even when that meant being late to a dance and missing a class. Better to arrive relaxed and grounded.
Other things that worked: ginger tea, hot water bottle, permission, legitimacy, patience, laughing, hiding.
Next time I might…
Allow more time.
It is well-documented that I overestimate my capacity and energy for doing, while underestimating how long things actually take.
I know this, so I halve my guess of the one, and double what I allow for the other.
Not good enough. I need more recovery time than I think. More doing time than I think.
This week seemed at times like watching a documentary on the theme of how I am terrible with estimating time.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- So completely overwhelmed. Also computer froze again right after I paid all that money to have it fixed. And the thing that seemed like the perfect escape is now turning into yet another complicated expensive mess. A breath for light at the end of tunnels, may it show itself soon. I mean, if that’s even a thing. I go back and forth between “yes, come on, there’s light at the end of the tunnel, just keep going” and “wait a minute haven’t you been saying that for your entire life?”. So how about a breath for spaciousness and ease.
- Letting go of everything and it is right, and it hurts. A breath for releasing.
- Now numbering among the things I am letting go of: the two best things in my life, my home and the Playground. A breath for knowing.
- My body is being very clear that I need to stop and let it really rest. A breath for trying to figure this out.
- Got triggered unexpectedly when I found out that what I thought was planned and what was actually planned were two different things. Not sure what part of my past it launched me into, but for sure I forgot that Now Is Not Then. I found myself feeling agitated, insecure, unsure of everything. A breath for presence, comfort, remembering truth.
- The beautiful boy was away on missions, and my housemate was away on missions, and it turns out that apparently I need A HUNDRED HUGS A DAY, because I am completely useless when no one is around to hug me. This is disconcerting. And also weird, because I don’t even really like being around people. So apparently I need designated trustworthy huggers? On call? I don’t know. Usually I like being alone except this week it was stupid and annoying and I found myself craving affection and reassurance and being comforted. A breath for comfort in all the best forms, may there be more of it and still more.
- Did not have fun at last Friday’s dance. Sometimes I think that I like dancing but not actually going to dances, which is a problem, because I am a dancer and that is where dancing actually happens. A breath for finding my right dance community, my right practice rituals, my confidence, whatever it is I need to find here.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I am letting everything go, and it is good, and it is time, and I can feel the joy sparks, because it turns out that the thing that sparks joy in me is FREEDOM. Freedom and writing. Without overhead. A breath for sweet releasing.
- Speaking of sweetness, a deepening of sweetness with the beautiful boy, more and more of it, filling up on tenderness, brimming with irrepressible joy. What wonderful madness is this? I don’t even know. A breath of appreciation for this very intense new feeling.
- I know what I want, what sparks joy, and knowing this is good. I spent a lot of time at the Playground this week, talking to it, asking what to do. And then on my way out, my eyes locked on a red velvet bag. I opened it and found a stone that said, “Go play!” Thank you, Playground. I love you so much. A breath for signs, and seeing them.
- The beautiful boy: “Good morning sweet thing, how do you feel about going to Puerto Rico?” Me: HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT THIS. WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT REALLY?!?! I feel over-the-top thrilled and full of joy sparks. Puerto Rico is one of my all-time favorite places. It anagrams to Erotic Pours. Are you kidding me? Can this really happen? How?!?! A breath for all timing is right timing, and joyful running away.
- Two big dance epiphanies that paid off in a big way. Went to Blues Eclectic on Saturday night and had the time of my life. And then had the most fun I’ve ever had at a west coast swing dance, even though my favorite people to dance with (the beautiful boy and my teacher) weren’t there. Mmmmm. So good. And somehow I managed to have good dances with everyone there, which never happens. Someone said: “That was incredible. Dancing with you is worth the price of admission.” And someone else said, “Okay, I had my amazing dance, I can go home now.” A breath for flow, connection, delight, magic, all the things I love about dance.
- I am ready to let go of things I was not ready to let go of before. A breath for deep quiet knowing.
- Getting all the work done. Light, tunnel, etc. Dispatched (or transformed!) a number of iguanas. An iguana is any task I don’t want to deal with, anything I’m dreading or avoiding or dread-avoiding. Cleaned out a closet and two thirds of a room. Dealt with some things I didn’t want to look at. A breath for trust. I can do this.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Foxtrot. Rumba. Potato chowder. People who care about me. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
So much done! One more ebook edited and sent out, two more to go. Three boxes of clothing to Goodwill. A very complicated Playground op: taken care of! Thank you fractal flowers. More goodies soon, to those waiting patiently for Internalship ebooks, they’re being edited! And also: Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
Taking care of anything that is a tiny sweet thing. This was a good reminder for me.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of I Know How To Play. And the power of finding the right clues everywhere and seeing them instead of tripping over them. Also the power of people being unexpectedly supportive.
Superpowers I want.
I want the superpower of Oh That’s Hilarious.
And the superpower of Whoosh It Is Done.
The Salve of Oh That’s Hilarious.
You know how sometimes you go through something challenging (hahaha, understatement!) in life, and then later, years later, it is suddenly funny.
You can regale people with the story of it at a cocktail party, and everyone is practically crying from laughing so hard, and even though sure, yes, it’s kind of awful, it is also so very funny.
When I let this salve soften into my skin, I have that ability now. It’s a combination of humor and perspective.
Suddenly I can see how this is ridiculous, even if I don’t yet know all the things I’m currently hilariously tripping over.
This salve reminds my body to let go and to laugh.
It shows me how future me has already made peace with things current me thinks are possibly disastrous. She says, “Remember how we went on that accidental adventure and it was the worst? Hahahaha! Ohmygod we learned so much from that, and it’s the best story. And that’s also how this other amazing thing happened, so in the end? Totally worth it. Man, though, at the time I did not see how funny this was!”
This salve brings laughter, and it brings hope. It smells a little bit like the forest, and it is bubbly like champagne.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Sam, they’re called Fueled By Monsters, their latest album is Vampiric Vapor Strokes. Catch them at the Fillmore next time you’re in San Francisco. And did you know that they’re actually just one guy? Yup. It’s true.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
GUESS WHAT! The Plum Duff sale is happening right now!
We have new things. We have beautiful, wonderful adventures.
And everything is HALF OFF, so go to the Plum Duff page! Password: enter-with-roses
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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Hello, Friday!
The Hard:
– Needing to submit a thing that has a deadline and which brings up SO MUCH STUFF. So much so that two computers broke as I tried to finish it this afternoon. Also, my recommender went AWOL and so unless something changes in the next hour, I can’t be considered for the thing I really wanted to be considered for. A breath for my buses come for me and I recognize them.
– Four years ago I had a giant crisis and had to painfully painfully painfully leave the path I’d been on up until that point. And I jumped onto a new path right away, which was the wrong thing to do because I had YEARS more unraveling ahead of me. And now something is shifting in a way that looks pathy, and so I am revisiting old anger, and grief, and very-present fear. A breath for steadiness.
– Getting overwhelmed. A breath for self-connection.
– My response to getting overwhelmed, which I perceive as involuntary and also fairly neutral, very much does not work for someone I love. A breath for sovereignty, and trust.
– One of my computers is breaking in a fairly permanent-seeming way, and this is problematic. Stop freezing! Another breath for trust.
– I want so many things in my life right now! Things that cost money! And I am having trouble deciding what money goes where, and trouble trusting myself, and trouble staying in my own calm knowing. A breath for my own calm knowing.
– More of this thing where the kid doesn’t sleep. A breath for rest.
– I hate my kitchen. SO MUCH. A breath for This is Legitimate.
The Good:
– Doing the Konmari Method. Or at least my version thereof. Miracles. Just…miracles. A breath for miracles.
– Dearest Esme came to visit, and we went on the longest walk. Among other (fun) things. A breath for love.
– My office is still bright pink! And I still ADORE it. Now it even has perfect curtains covering the closet, and a few other things have changed so it shines brighter and brighter by the day. A breath for joy.
– My daughter is all about discussing what things are not and what is not here. I don’t know where this interest came from or that it was something available in her consciousness yet. But I love it. Pink might be “not blue,” or “not red.” Then we find something that’s “not pink.” A ball is “not a car!” (Rueful head shake with that one.) And then what’s missing. “Not here Safta! Not here Papa! Not here Robert! Not here bear! Not here fried rice!” These discussions are the best. What else isn’t this? What else isn’t here? A breath for delight.
– I need to mention again how good this congruencing feels, and how radical, and how comfortable. (I mean, yes, some discomfort comes up, but within a gentle breath of relief. So far.) I got rid of about 1/3 of my (already small) wardrobe, but I feel like I didn’t. Everything that’s really mine is still here. Same with books (and I only own about 15 now). Papers are more slow-going, but the shift is still happening. A breath for sweet ease.
-o-
i have such love for your chickens, and tales of the wee sauce and her growing.
The hard:
– I have been so. damn. tired this week. It started on Monday when I had to leave the house at 5.15am, and never got better. A breath for rest.
– a thing isn’t happening that we thought might be going to happen, and this time I am a little bit disappointed. A breath for opportunity and legitimacy.
– the wind. Of all the weather I hate cycling in, the wind is the worst. Also I think I might have a puncture. A breath for progress.
– my knee got stuck. A breath for flexibility.
– So much to do. So many things. So much dust. A breath for space.
The good:
– six hours travelling do at least allow me to get an awful lot of writing done. A breath for flow.
– snow! Just enough to prove it’s winter. A breath for times and seasons.
– letting myself do nothing else. A breath for compassion.
– meetings full of laughter. A breath for the funny side.
– I have a whole week off! and then L is coming to stay! A breath for rest and fun.
– learning about a Splash Choir I could go for. The deadline is pretty tight, but what the hell. A breath for possibility.
– dancing! Cumberland Square Eight and Eightsome Reel and a little stealth Rozsa in the corner! A breath for joy.
– I got a story published! A breath for little beacons.
Wheee!! for the published story!!! That is a big huge thing.
Hello saturday, cluck. we are so here.
what worked this week: hiding and retreating. i think this may be a waning moon caper, but it worked for me, to get home, throw dinenr at whoever was hungry and go to my room for any of my low-brow distractions.
also: just jumping in
the sucks:
-the Stupid and its cntinued bullshit
-the looming dread of having to move house ??!! are u shitting me! All my selves are up in arms about this one, except BestLeni who just shrugs
-not pushing thru on enough things
-the ughness of Operation pH Balance. which tday includes me going to play Detective Columbo at the ex husband’s place. a breath for better writers to write this sitcom.
-drama with friendly dogs and my desire for soemthing better
but so much sparkle:
-last weekend, i spent hours making art. i just threw myself into it. having lost mcuh of the common areas, i am working in my bedroom and it is being fine. finding myself deep in fugue state, and fidning it sustaining itself, one chunk of work yielding clues to the next and the next. it’s like you know,being an ARTIST. wow
-throwing myself likewise into writing. i’ve been thinking about writing, reading about writng, remembering writing, thsi week i WROTE.
-and it was on a weeknight, so extra points
-my theme for 2015 is Foundation & Temple, and the ways this is coming up arr amamzing to me, also the new things i’m aware of, and the shifts i’m experiencing. there is a lot here, much of it very subtle
-making time for deeper practice
-Embarking on Pantheacon. omg so much joy
The fugue state is the best.
This past week, I had the superpower of distinguishing Now from Then, and telling apart Not This Bus from Never The Bus.
This coming week, I want the magick of transforming Ludicrous Fear Popcorn avalanches into clouds of bubbles and glitter.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Ohhh, the Friday Chicken!
Deep breath for being loved and nourished
Deep breaths for saying .yes.
Deep breaths for blood flowing where it has been merely a trickle
Deep breath for breath
Deep breath for processing all the processes which may well be the unlocking of a thousand metaphors and one that works
Deep breath for freeling (freely feeling the feelings!) And even for the root pain which led to this pain which led to this sofa, this fire, these friends.
Gwishing for the gwishes that there be gentle unfolding into the next right things.
Gwishing to understand what needs understanding.
Gwishing for unlocking the next door.
We chicken with the week we had, not the week we wish we had.
My superpower of Close All The Sales has gone missing. This is not good. Please come back.
I feel stuck even though I’m moving forward. I keep having to look back to see how far I’ve come.
I found another house that is not my house, which means I’m one house closer.
I wrote a ton, and it was the kind of writing where you feel like you are hanging out with your friends and you can’t wait to find out what happens next and next thing you know it’s 10pm and you aren’t sure how.
In the grand scheme of things, I have a pretty good life.
It’s been a chicken of a week
The hard:
– I am in the pickle I didn’t want to be in from the start. For a few blissful months I thought I wouldn’t have to chose. I want Both things. But these two perfect things cannot both happen. And I’m so afraid, because, from my current perspective, picking either means having regret for not being in the other, and then neither are perfect. A breath for not this and not that, and taking a third option.
– More fear, about my own beautiful boy, and the above situation, and what that means for us.
– Got sent home from work sick on Friday, still sick now. I never get this sick, but teaching means being exposed to so many germs, it was inevitable. A breath for riding the wave and letting it take it’s course.
The good:
– Work has been amazing. I got a great placement with great energy and great people. It’s so much fun. It’s not stressful. It’s exciting and full of play. Learning is fun again. I’m so happy working here, even if it’s just for a little while. None of the stress from college followed me to work. It’s a beautiful life.
– I’m okay, things are okay, everything is okay. I’m done with school. I have options. Even if something is not perfect for a while, it will be eventually, because I have so many big fun happy plans that aren’t going to stop for anything or anyone. There’s a million doors in front of me and I’m gonna keep running, skipping, and dancing through them, at my own pace, and the only thing that can stop me is if I have to make my own doors when none are presented to me. Exciting things await! I am scared and tired and worried but I’m also happy, happier than I’ve been in a long time.
Hello, sweet chicken, hello.
What worked: bringing myself into the present moment, again and again.
Next time, when I find myself in an unusual mood, as I did several times this week, I would like to not *apologize* for it. I mean, it’s okay to alert people, and if I inadvertently hurt anyone I might apologize for *that*, but otherwise, why apologize?! Unusual selves, it is safe to come out and play. I will do my best to not apologize for your very existence.
Hard: there are some monsters lurking in my closet, and some things I’m avoiding dealing with.
Good: I’m reaching out and connecting with people a lot. I also met a new internal mentor this week. She calls herself Elle, and she speaks in a rich and enhanced voice accompanied by haunting electronic music, so whatever she says grabs my attention — and she has a lot to say. 🙂
I have a fake band of my own this week, courtesy of my teenage daughter: Deus Ex Mafia. Of course, it’s actually just one guy.
I now invoke the superpower of Enticing Aromas Everywhere… <3
Lots of hard this week.
– Things that should have been simple were complicated.
– Internet things didn’t work — forms wouldn’t advance so I could complete transactions.
– Customer service that wasn’t.
– Things I confirmed and double checked on turned out to not be what had been confirmed.
– Things costing double what I was told.
– Necessities that were hijacked by others: MrB’s wheelchair! The taxi we needed in order to get food.
– Miscommunications and misunderstandings all over the place. Yeah, these things will make a great story in a few years.
– Overhearing disdainful comments about something I used to be a part of, that I is still part of my self-identify in my private thoughts.
Hey, universe, enough already!
Good stuff happened too.
+ Safe travels, despite the contretemps.
+ People who wanted to be helpful and tried to resolve problems.
+ Several new classes to start soon, and the possibility of some new one-on-one classes too.
+ The weather in SoCal is beautiful. It’s relatively balmy at home too but there’s a difference between 37 degrees and 73 degrees.
+ Processing helps so much. Coming here to chicken helps. Flooping helps.
Oh god the time estimation thing is so hard for me too. Hearts.
The hard:
-everything feels hard when someone you love is dying. I wonder how much of my grandma is even left at this point. This is not how I want to remember her.
The good:
-I have some truly phenomenal friends and I met some new awesome people and basically, anytime I get out of the house to go out I feel fantastic about the people I interact with.
Pebbles and hugs to anyone who needs or wants them.
-o-
entering CHICKEN
I have something important to say!
Here it is:
BORKBORKBORKBORKBORKBORKBORK <3 <3 <3
This week has been a lot of reentry and recombobulating and retreat.
The Mission of the Sneaky Snake is [who knows? :-D]
This is good. This is as it should be.
The Mission of the Lion Boat is released, sailing off wherever it is that Lion Boats go.
(A clew! WHOKNOWS is a compass!)
I still have Magic Bus things to do. Feeling irritated and resentful about this being tangly. Agent P[urple] can probably do something about this.
Breathing for the snarls!
+A breath for those Magic Bus things. Also pttht ptthhht pfftthht. Because.
+A breath for Banana Peeling. Forgiveness. Acceptance.
+A breath for not Eating The Lollipop. A breath for the Lollipop Guild whisking me away to Then. Grrr.
+A breath for the fucking Rainbow Jam shit hitting the fan. What complete and utter bullshit. Feeling sad and hurt and furious and resentful and bitter and incredibly snarly. These are okay things to feel. And I should not have to be feeling them. And it is okay to not want to be feeling them. I can have that at the same time as having the okay to feel the things feeling.
+A breath for every fucking time I have to explain what it’s like being transgender to someone who isn’t ever really going to get it. Along with appreciation, for me for me for me, for how much better I’ve gotten at knowing when to NOT DO IT.
+A breath for Maine Coaste (ohh so much proxy).
+A breath for the Hokey Pokey [of silent retreat]
+A breath for the Snail Quandary. Bluhhhhh this is a thing about which I feel sad and grumpy, among other things, and these are also things which are okay for me to feel while simultaneously not wanting to feel them. Accepting is not the same as inviting. This is okay.
Breathing for the creamy cream filled vegan donuts, yum!
+A breath for the adventures in B'philia! WHEEEEE!!!!
+A breath for [SILENT RETREAT SNEAKY SNAKE!!!!!!]
+A breath for hot showers YESSSSSSS.
+A breath for making all the Reefs fit! YAY Juggling Success!
+A breath for the SFP Retreat yesterday which was so worth it and so awesome much more than I thought it would be.
+A breath for Red Curry Noodles, and everything for which Red Curry Noodles are a fractal flower.
+A breath for Project SLIPPERS, which continues to be fabulous.
+A breath for Unicorning with the Phaerie Queene. SOOO GOOOD.
And my fake band of the week is: The Sea Bears! Coming at you live from an underwater village of which you’ve probably never heard. If you know what I mean.
Hello chooks.
Some hards……
* emotional feelings. So many. So…feeling-y.
* now is not then, but it is reminding me of then. I am not her, and he is not he, but I am being reminded by them of he and I, then. A breath for separation and present time!
* got in trouble, legitimately, and feel chastened, legitimately, but also, dammit, I was relying on breaking those rules a little bit longer so what do I do now? #learningthingsthehardway
* I am bad at keeping in contact, at making firm plans. A while ago Agent Pontini told me about ‘very, very tentative dates’, where you know you each *want* to play together, but, you know, life and feelings and stuff sometimes crop up in the meantime, and this is okay and either party can cancel or reschedule and this is okay. I wish more people knew about these! (So, like, I’m deep in projections of resentment and judgement and feeling the urges to please and caretake instead of glow okayness with taking care of myself).
* squeeziness feels extra squeezy when I thought I would have spaciousness by now!!
* followed the dragon fire out of the mild zone and feel spent now. A breath for taking things extra slow and with extra consciousness today. Let’s assume this is treasure, and notice the gifts of this ‘hangover’, and also, let’s not do this again maybe?
* my sensitivity levels seem to be making their tastes more discerning and imperative. This is okay except for, you know, the WORLD. Oooooofff…… a breath for self-advocacy and self-leadership.
Some goodies……
* Yay holiday! Yay roadtrip! Yay my radio loves me and plays me music I love! Yay I am finally grown-ass enough to do this *and* the opportunity is here! Yay friends and overdue catch ups! Yay exploring! Yay beautiful cities and oh wow archetypes! Yay oasis to feel the feelings!
* People I love are no longer separated from me by an entire ocean and continent. Just 10hrs drive away or 1hr flying and 2hrs driving. I am HAPPY about this.
* Spaciousness *is* coming. And that will be awesome.
* Bravely spoken kindness from unexpected places. I often don’t speak up when I would like to, too, so this will (I hope) help me remember to be brave and offer kindness despite the oh-god-vulnerability-awkwards.
* the muggle-speak version of monster negotiating continues to prove itself as valuable and effective in muggle-world, *actual* scientific research (well, you know, as scientific as psychology research ever can be). Yesssss!
* everything ends, everything changes. This week I’m putting this into the list of goods.
xxooxxooxxooxxoo