It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
Good grief.
Can I just say that this week had so many hard things in it, I could have completely filled up that section of the Chicken by last Sunday evening if I’d wanted to?
What worked this week?
Looking for the reason behind the reason.
When it comes to my body and pain, it’s invariably emotional.
The best things I can do are:
- Remember this.
- Ask what I might be angry or upset about.
- Keep asking, with love, curiosity, permission and legitimacy.
- Look for symbolic reasons that pain is showing up. Like Wally pointed out, it makes sense that my knee and ankle would be unsteady and wobbly when I am letting go of my beloved Playground, the place that for the past almost-five-years has been where I go in order to feel grounded, anchored and stable.
- Consult Louise-who-is-always-right-about-my-body. If she says knee pain is indicative of fear of moving forward, don’t argue with it. Just get curious about how this might be playing out for me right now. I mean, yes, it is both possible and likely that I can sincerely want to move forward and also be scared of it at the same time.
This week I was able to do all these things, and to remember them right away!
And I did that instead of first getting bogged down in the muggle way of thinking about bodies — if X hurts, then something is wrong with X itself and I probably did something to X that resulted in the hurting — which may be helpful for other people and is never helpful for me. Thank you, wise me.
Next time I might…
Breathe and wait and hope.
My housemate says that whenever something goes wrong with my body, my mind goes into a tailspin.
Like, I am pretty sure I will NEVER BE ABLE TO DANCE AGAIN, and there is no point to anything if I can’t move, cue eternal despair.
I always think this, and it always gets better, and it is always okay that healing takes time, even if it takes a lot longer than I think.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Inexplicably damaged my knee and ankle on Saturday. I have zero recollection of doing anything even mildly strenuous. Hadn’t gone any dancing or done anything for four days previous, because of being busy (see: the rest of the hard). Anyway, ta da! I have a damaged meniscus! Fingers crossed that it’s tweaked and not torn. Can’t do stairs, in pain all the time, getting around is not fun, and now I can’t do any of the things — yoga, dance, aerobics, walking — that keep me generally functional instead of panicking about life. A breath for this.
- The knee pain coincided with the second worst experience of menstrual cramps I’ve had in my entire life. And as I sank to my knees while walking down a hallway towards the bathroom, overcome with dizziness and overwhelming pain, I suddenly remembered the last time this happened, maybe twelve years ago, when I actually did pass out, on a bathroom floor at a fitness center in south Tel Aviv, and ended up in the hospital, an experience which was not fun and very expensive. That was also the day I had decided to leave my beloved apartment in Florentin, so, again: see body pain always being emotional stuff, for me at least. A breath for deep healing.
- Related to the above: since quitting gluten last March, my cramps have gone from [hellish nightmare that renders me incapable of anything for twenty four to thirty six hours each month] to [huh, what is this odd and uncomfortable sensation of invisible gnomes hitting me in the ovaries? Ohhhhhh, cramps! I shall take advil!”]. So I kind of thought I was over this. Also the joy of not having miserable cramps has pretty much been the one thing keeping me from falling off the wagon and eating delicious things like lasagne. So that’s distressing. A breath for comfort, and for patience, and for hope.
- Feeling so very low for much of the week, finding myself deep in the perception aka monster-narrative of being trapped, that Shmita will never happen. Sometimes it seems as though I have been chasing this elusive and possibly non-existent light at the end of the tunnel for so long, and I’m not even sure it’s real, and I need things to change. A breath for trust, and for beautifully unexpected interruptions.
- Still letting go of everything, so much letting go, and sometimes it is easier and at other times it is just so much crying. A breath for goodbyes.
- Ahahahhahaaaaaa the old familiar Mystery of why does everything take so much longer than I think, and is also more complicated and expensive. Somehow we mailed out the deluxe Rally Kits without the stone skipping card sets inside, so that’s another hundred dollars to fix that. And we ran out of calendars and had to redo all the packages, and the fancy toner was only good for thirty three BORKs, and some of our emails delivering the last ebook didn’t go through because [technical bullshit] and everything that could possibly go wrong/expensive on this op has done exactly that, and I could go on about this for a while, so let’s just put down a pebble for this and take a breath. A breath for trusting that all is well in the world, even when I fall into old patterns of work stress and forgetting that Nothing Is Wrong and monster-worry about everyone hating me. Time to breathe in truth: I am safe and loved.
- Saying goodbye to my Playground is right, and also I can’t stop crying about it. A breath for things that are right and still hurt.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- There are so many kind, loving, big-hearted people in my life, and I feel so fortunate and appreciative. Wally, the most amazing bodywork person in the world and the one reason to stay in Portland, did some seriously good magic on my knee and ankle. My housemate came when I collapsed, and did acupressure on me until I was okay. When I was panicking, my lover texted to say, “As much as you are freaking out, I am kissing you with peacefulness a lot more.” A breath of deep appreciation for the vast resources of compassion and support available to me right now.
- Such a lovely goodbye party for the Playground. It was wonderful to see old friends and play. Rhiannon brought her baby Scarlet, who is just such a very fun person, which is pretty much the best thing I could say about a baby, and we played a hilarious game of our own invention which I believe is called Be Alarmed By Sudden Duck Sounds. The Vicar cheered me up by being the vicar, he is very good at that. People wore ridiculous costumes and we blew bubbles and colored monsters. The beautiful boy listened and stroked my hair while I puzzled out all my problems. A breath for new beginnings.
- It is very good that the Puerto Rico trip fell through because I don’t know how I could have ever been able to go with all the health and business stuff going on. More proof for my internal scientists that it is always right to trust my no, even when I’m saying no to something that sounds amazing (a month on the beach with the boy I like, on the cheap, in the sun…yeah, still sounds incredible). It was perfect that we said no, and the next yes is going to be such a better yes. A breath for trust.
- My housemate did a million errands for me when my leg stopped working, and delivered all my mail to my bed — “Anyone miserable and dejected in here?” — and generally cheered me up. And Leni sent the best get well card ever, which arrived at the exact moment when I needed it most. A breath for being taken care of when that is what I need.
- Someone misunderstood me (my least favorite thing) and then made it all about him and threw a shoe at me (said something mean, which happens to be my second least favorite thing), and I immediately recognized that his reaction had nothing to do with me, and then, here is the good part, I did not engage. Even better, I recognized that my desire to Set The Record Straight is really my desire to perceive that I am understood, and there is a better way to give myself the sensations of [safe, loved and understood] that is not trying to explain myself to the shoe-thrower. Instead I texted a red balloon emoticon to Briana, who always understands me. And she said, “Now that is a freedom-loving joy spark!” And I was like, EXACTLY OHMYGOD THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING ME. Ahhhh. So good. A breath for peacefulness. May peacefulness prevail.
- Found the best proxy in the history of proxies, and now I am a campanologist, and this solved ALL my problems, and miraculously everything is fine now. It’s almost like I’m at Rally all the time. A breath for how play is magic.
- On Thursday morning, I woke up and WAS ABLE TO BEND MY KNEE for the first time since Saturday. Not a full range of motion, but bending! It is happening, you guys! My leg can bend! Stuff is moving and changing and I am on the mend. I credit the beautiful boy who held me in his arms all night and whispered sweetness in my ear. A breath of thank you.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Lovely people care about me. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Emptied out 3/4 of the Playground! Went through three giant boxes stuffed with paper and iguanas. Donated 102 POUNDS of art supplies to SCRAP! Wrote the letter I had been avoiding because of [past pain]. Thank you fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
I used the OOD technique this week, and it helped a lot!
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of The Answer Is Letting Go, and the power of knowing about bells.
Superpowers I want.
I want, again, the superpower of Totally Unfazed By Any Of This. And I want the power of Marvelously Surprised By Good News.
The Salve of Marvelously Surprised By Good News.
Sometimes I forget that things can change for the better, suddenly and unexpectedly.
When I wear this salve, everything sweetens and I remember that I have no idea what wonderful things could come. I invite them in. I feel sparks again. I remember to ask for perfect, simple solutions, and to look for them.
I assume that there could be a door I just don’t know about yet. I am receptive to SUUTRAS (Spontaneous Unsolicited Upgrades: Treasure Radiance Abundance), thank you to Max for the first half of that acronym.
This salve makes everything lighter, my mood, the weight on my shoulders. My feet are planted. I stretch and breathe.
I pick up an envelope and think, “I only receive good news now”. And whether that envelope is full of delight or not, it doesn’t even matter, because suddenly I am someone who is regularly Marvelously Surprised By Good News, and I feel quietly joyful about life.
This salve also has some of the magic of being kissed with peacefulness.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Fi, it’s called Banana Still Life, they are on tour in Spain and it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
There is still time to join the Secret Sword Society, embarking at the end of February! It’s the only thing I’m doing this year, and it’s also temporarily half-off for current members of the Floop…
And I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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Hello Chickeneers!
What worked: Asking the right people.
The Unpleasant:
Slow work, still. Not being able to fold up shop because there is no where else to go. That I know of. Yet. Still this is repetitive and boring, and yet with all my actions there are still such small and inconsistent results.
All the things going wrong yesterday. This week. Last week. Weird things like checks being mailed to the wrong address, storms canceling the few appointments that I did have. People postponing. Other people rushing to come in but only because they are dying.
The Bright Side:
Slow work reminded me that I can make another go at looking elsewhere.
I reached out to the person I was missing. And she said “yes, I’m sorry too, let’s get together and move forward.” And my heart was so glad.
Acting class. Connection. Liveliness. Vulnerability.
Jum’a. Friday.
The Hard:
– One of the worst bear times in recent memory. Bear time is always where I *really* let go of anything I’ve let go of for the last 25-or-whatever days, and I let go of so much. Hence: hard.
– I am so over lion taming. So. Over. It. And yet I have these lions and two shows a day… I’ve wiggled out of a few, but always with consequences. May this shift soon!
– Really nothing else to say about this. I spent at least half this week in my room crying, which precludes much from happening. Which was a good thing, and hard.
The Good:
– I was loved so deeply and so well this week. Doesn’t really compute, but I’m grateful.
– Saying goodbye to the Playground was bittersweet, but very good. And then a lot of things shifted, because I’d been holding on to the Playground very tightly. As I ease up, things can move again.
– My sweet love spent his entire day off helping me go through my old craft supplies and let go of 90% of it. And one of my desks. And my old report cards.
– Hiding in all the boxes and drawers and shelves was Painter Me. She was buried in all this stuff I did partly to distract myself from being estranged from her. It’s been something like 8 years, but I found her. It may be some time still before I actually paint anything, but I’m moving forward so sweetly.
– Though I’d been holding onto most of these things for various Past Me’s, I realized they’d been little time capsules for a Future Me really capable of witnessing Past Me. And when I realized I am that Future Me, letting go has been a very beautiful gift for all the Me’s. Though I’m still have five boxes of journals, and I’m not sure about their purpose yet.
– Also writing for Mirrorhaven again. Still have no answers about where that’s going, but it feels good.
– Scarlet and I had the best time walking to the Playground. I’m rarely out on weekends with good weather, and everyone was so nice and friendly! (And Havi, you are exactly her favorite kind of person: quiet, playful, and present.)
<3 <3 <3
Hard, frustrating, etc.
* 101.6 F fever = not getting things done, not seeing people, etc. Plus everything hurts.
* Rejections
* How did that grapefruit go bad so quickly? ewwwww.
Good:
* Flannel sheets, pineapple cider, and modern medicine.
* Scored two just-right-for-me overcoats (one forest green, one canary yellow) at Goodwill
* Lovey-dovey doggie. Caring spouse and friends.
Hearts and pebbles and wishes for ease to all y’all.
This week has been such a mixture of things, and sometimes the hard stuff was also the good stuff, and vice versa, I can’t separate it out into different lists.
-Had a cold. Permission to do nothing but rest and take care of myself. Hours and hours spent reading Little Women. The Consort making me breakfast in bed, or toast and soup, and generally taking care of me when I was sick and whiney. Getting restless by staying inside. Annoyed when I was too weak to accomplish what I wanted to. And yet, still got more done while sick than I have in months. How does that work?
-Unexpected bouts of paranoia. I am so sick of this shit. Why did it keep coming up this week? And yet trust flourished in spite of (or because of?) the breakdowns.
-Flowers blooming. Gorgeous days. This is January, right?
-Lots of writing happening.
Hello Friday [Oh; it’s *you* again. No, I don’t really mean that Friday. Well, I guess I actually kinda still do for the moment, but I’m open to that habit / experience shifting.]
Oh The Friday Chicken. I *love* The Friday Chicken. There is something about it that never fails to leave me feeling seen and heard (whether I actually leave a comment or not!), which is all kinds of fabulous.
I find myself wishing, sometimes (ok, pretty much every time) that I could write like Havi… and like some of you. That I was so clever. {One grounding breath for this.} I’m choosing to trust in my own style and way of being (this obviously extends beyond this single example and place :-)). It’s an improvement. I’ll take it.
This week was so strange. I spent more time than I’d like to admit beating myself up. I thought I’d released a lot more of that habit than I (apparently) have. {A deeply healing + releasing breath for this.} I felt uncomfortable in my skin much of this week. I do not love this feeling.
Today found me feeling a bit envious of someone else’s [special something that is their gift to give to the world], and rather irately demanding of Life that I be presented with my own special something… or the recognition of it since I am sure it must already be here somewhere. It feels like a precious pendant that I’ve somehow managed to lose. I know it’s in the house somewhere, but dammit… I cannot find that sucker. I want it, and I want it N.O.W. Immediately after having this thought, Pandora felt it appropriate to play a song that makes my body move whether I consciously want to or not. I think that might have been a clue. Keeping my eyes peeled.
Also, today… a song made me cry. Or more specifically a certain set of lyrics within this song brought tears while I was waiting in the car circle to pick The Little Dude up from school. It wasn’t the time to sit with the Why behind the tears, so I wiped them and moved on. A picture on Pinterest also made me cry. There is something peeking through for me. Something about feeling a need to Be My Own Me. To find out who I am underneath the (seemingly) endless responsibilities to others. To feel what makes my True Me come to life the way wildflowers on an open plain do in a beautiful breeze.
Dance in the breeze.
Back to Stillness.
Dance. Listen.
Move. Still.
Joy. Peace.
Yes. That. Those are the seeds I’m planing in this fertile soil. May they bloom in perfect time, and may I have the patience to create the perfect space for them in the meantime. <3
Hello, Chickeneers! It’s Friday, and I am glad to be here.
Hard:
–A significant amount of monster activity this week.
–Someone close to me had a setback, which made me feel sad.
–Wishing for some things that seem out of reach.
Good:
–My experiments with the theory that Nothing Is Wrong and All Timing Is Right Timing are going very well!
–I had a last minute fill-in work assignment that turned out to be delightful.
–I’m playing with being more visible, here and there, and it feels good.
I now invoke the superpower of Sweet and Steady Sovereignty. <3
Thank you for the salve, Havi! As always, it’s exactly what I need. Thank you for linking to the OOD. I had forgotten the OOD! And it is also exactly what I need!
While I’m saying thank you, thank you for the Playground. For creating that amazing space and for the magic that radiated — that still radiates — from it.
This week had its moments, good ones and hard ones and in-between ones. I had responsibilities, I had new things to start, I had connections to make, I had meetings and appointments. I wrote and cried and I wrote and laughed delightedly. Some good things were hard and some hard things were good.
Hello Havi, hello Chickeneers!
The hard:
– the tired. London is a long way away, for somewhere I go every day. A breath for rest.
– my study has been moonlighting as the spare room all week. A breath for my space.
– another cold. WTF body. A breath for healing and warmth.
– whatever it is that is going on with my blood sugar. A breath for sustenance.
– and how I am sometimes unable to cope at all with the washing machine/running bathwater/rain on the conservatory roof/all of the above. A breath for peace, inside my head and outside it.
The good:
– strike was cancelled. A breath for not having to stand on a picket line in the snow.
– Straight No Chaser! They were fantastic. A breath for music and beauty and laughter.
– occupants of the spare room being people with whom I enjoy spending time. A breath for love.
– request to work from home one day per week was approved. A breath for rest and proportion.
– playing Lucky Dip. A breath for opportunity.
– the cold has disappeared in about a third of the time it usually takes. A breath for healing, again.
What worked –
– Metaphor Mouse, my goodness. I’d never tried before, but it went ZING, and became Lucky Dip, and now I have played it.
Thank you, week that was. Thank you, Chicken!
The Good:
– A game called, “Be Alarmed By Sudden Duck Sounds” – thanks, Havi, Rhiannon & Scarlet!
– Remembering the Joy of the Playground and not being overly sad, knowing the sweetness of Rally, and the Perfect Place, can happen anywhere.
– Mahler’s 3rd at the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra.
– Getting to change the symphony tickets to avoid forecast sleet/freezing rain.
The Hard:
– Cousin’s new (since August) husband has recurrence of rare & virulent cancer. Breathing healing, peace and love for them.
– Trying to remember to make a doctor’s appointment. (Not) Getting motivated to make the call when I do remember. Needing to make the doctor’s appointment.
What worked:
– Using the Reminders and Notes on my new smartphone to keep track of vision & actions on decluttering & other projects.
What I might try next time:
– Asking for help even if I can (theoretically) do it myself. Remembering that it often gets done sooner that way, and it can be more fun, too.
cheers, chickeneers!
what worked?
In a week that past-Me’s would have experienced as complete overwhelm, this week’s Me watched everything bounce playfully off my amazingly strong force field. rawwwr!
showing monsters the margins. remembering I am loved, even when/if I think it’s only by me.
delight in hanging Fluent Self calendar 2015 to the left of 2014, and deciding to run 2015 forward (of course) and 2014 backward. So January was Anchor Illumination. I can’t wait to turn them tomorrow and see what surprise they bring.
-hospital tests
-not [what they thought]
-so what the L is it?
-some stress over meeting some non-negotiable deadlines at work. mostly monsters trying to protect me from taking on non-boring challenges. love to monsters
-started planning a getaway for March and then not enough PTO will be built up by then plus family conflicts w/the dates means no getaway until May. May!
+met the deadlines & it was actually fun. Sent the scientists to report to the monsters.
+new herbal magical elixir from my trusty doc does have me feeling better
+conducting anchor-illumination
+the pure joy my dogs bring me
superpowers for next week:
I Take Care of Myself. I Do Not Dim My Spark For Anyone. Force field-activate!
Using both calendars! I love this.
February: Appreciate more…Sovereignty.
Appreciate Sovereignty.
YES! YES! YES!
Hello and cluck!!Invoking Amnesty! good heavens so much going on!
What worked this week: cutting myself slack, being kind. thinking bout clews, noticing, forgiveness.
the sucks:
-all that awesome making art and choosing to NOT fall into online BS, i totally fell into online BS and wasted lots of time this week
-no real practice. my morning praxis is good but has planteau’s, i need to kick it up. And I need an evening prxis that happens.
-husband has been a total jerk this wweek. he apologized later, and i was delighted that my bat was not swamped by his BS, but still ughs
-cherise and i coming into lots of conflict lately
-so tired. having to go to high scjool orientation,a nd just being wiped out nd not excited for the kid.
the sparkle:
-i finally finished the collage, i really feel like the year has started
-lots of lil questions and clews and seeds pop up. lots of fractals
-thirs hand works has been very helpful
-so much to be excited about
-Pantheacon, omg, it’s happening
-making the changes i can, n=big and small
-finally some pay off in my diet and exercise
-the JOY of playing with my Bork and juicy things
-making art, and having so many things topplay with that lil awesome projects like Havi’s crd just come toegther so organically and the results. total joy in that.
-it’a Imbolc weekend! 5 million reasons to be happy!
-i forewent TWO rituals today at the last minute because of timing/coziness, and really i dnt regret it because those were not my buses.
-and i still have ritual tomorrow morning, with Cherise at one of my favorite cafes dwntown.
This week we said goodbye to Agent W. Relief and sadness.
We got ready for the arrival of Agent X. We welcomed xim with drums and trumpets. We watched as xe opened the bright red door, held out xir hand, received xir long-awaited flavored key, tasted it and found it was not chocolate. We held xir as xe entered vanillaspace. And now, here we are.
There was a lot of crushing this week. Not delightful sweet I have a crush on someone crushing. Not that kind of crushing AT ALL. The other kind of crushing, the kind that comes with the sounds of building crumbling and bridges falling and doors slamming. The kind where the thing I thought I wanted more than anything in the world doesn’t want me at all. The kind where a beloved family member suddenly has cancer, suddenly has surgery, one less internal organ than they had last week. The kind where people I thought I needed to have be in a particular place at a particular time have other plans for their whens and wheres that don’t involve me. Ouch ouch and ouch to all of that ouch.
TANGLES
+the Weighting/Waiting
+the goodbyes, oh the goodbyes
+Return of I Am The Zero
+disappointment of Agent Harpo
+Agent Engine and the Kidney Bean Caper
+the Cereal Conundrum
+the wokky schmog at FMW
+getting a sock thrown at me (Superpower of Oh Okay! activate!)
DONUTS
+jumping into Project Hi Toes
+also jumping into Project Muumuu
+and let’s not forget Project Seedz
+Op: Voldemort (mwa ha ha ha ha)
+B’philing like it’s my LIFE (totally is!)
+Project SLIPPERS…wham boom!
+Double Owlage!
+fooding and fooding and fooding
SUPERPOWERS I HAVE HAD
+Superpower of Weightiness
+Superpower of Closing The Door
+Superpower of What’s Really Important
SUPERPOWERS I INVOKE
+Superpower of Open to Possibilities
+Superpower of Vanilla Is Delicious
+Superpower of Water Circle
I have a big bottle of Sparkling Delights Everywhere for this coming week to drink. I invite the days ahead of me to drink copiously from this bottle in advance of my arrival.
And my fake band this week is: the Sibilant Seesaws!
woot! for your fake band!