It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
Somehow I spent all of today until just now believing it was Thursday, and wondering why it felt like Friday. I think that must be a good sign that this sabbatical thing is working. I can feel the resting points declaring themselves, but also I have no sense of time. This is kind of great.
What worked this week?
Attentiveness.
As I shared last week, I’ve been starting each day by asking “What do I want” over and over again in my journal. My monsters had a lot of objections to this, they think the practice/question is shallow and self-centered and greedy, and all the usual objections.
They are placated when asking the question reveals something especially useful or wise. And they are appalled when it reveals something they think is embarrassing.
One morning, the answer wasn’t deep or profound. It was, “I want a pedicure and this is important and I want it today.”
This desire was immediately met with huge resistance, but I’ve been committing to being attentive to internal intel as part of Shmita and Operation True Yes, so after some negotiationg, I went ahead and made this happen.
The color I chose for my toenails was a sparkly wine-red called I RED the Script.
And then, miraculously, I suddenly had the superpower of having already read the script, and it changed all my interactions this week. I was able to extricate myself neatly from potentially problematic situations by reminding myself that I’d already read the script.
Turns out having read the script makes it easier to say no to a no and yes to a yes. And when I am attentive, someone else’s behavior tells me what their character is likely to do further along in the plot.
So thank you, attentiveness, for leading me to the pedicure place and guiding me to the color that was a secret superpower. And for showing me why it’s good to say no now, and not follow the script.
Next time I might…
Go for a walk.
Everything that was not good this week became not-good when I was inside and sitting and not moving.
Sometimes on transit days, we are just trying to get some internet and figure out laundry, and it seems like there isn’t time. Except of course there is time.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Realized all my stuff from last week with the person who crossed a boundary is about CONSENT. Much contemplation about the mysteries related to my relationships with people who do not grasp or respect consent. A breath for sovereignty, and for glowingly healthy boundaries.
- Figuring out this situation where someone I do not trust is a long time friend of one of my favorite people. There is no room in my life for people who can’t be trusted, and yet, this person is going to be around, how do we navigate this? A breath for clarity.
- On the day when I suddenly needed a hotel, the one place available quoted me a price that was so outlandishly high that you’d think the entire building would freeze and there would be a collective universal intake of breath at the audacity of this. A breath for me, and for the challenge of remembering that everything that is against me is an illusion.
- Somehow just as my knee healed, I injured my pinkie toe, and it has been letting me know that certain forms of movement are uncomfortable. A breath for healing.
- I haven’t been having nightmares on this trip, which has been so amazing, and then when I had a potentially scary dream which didn’t go in that direction, I had big hopes that maybe we’re in new territory. But then Wednesday night I had a bad dream in which I was attacked by a man in a bathroom, so that was not fun, and somehow extra-distressing because I had been feeling so hopeful. A breath for the process of healing, which is what it is.
- Somehow all my writing time just turns into Logisticking time, as one change of plans begets another change of plans. I’m not even sure how, but I was on the stupid computer all week and not for any of the things I want to be doing. A breath for a clean cut through this.
- I made a move on the unresolved situation in the building where the Playground lived, and did not get the response I was hoping for. A breath for the right wind to blow out whatever sticky cobwebs are left and to blow in some clarity.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Guess what! In my nightmare, for the first time ever in one of these dreams, I responded (inside the dream) completely differently than I ever have before, and instead of waking up screaming in terror and not able to breathe, aka the usual pattern, I woke up feeling like a badass with skills, strength and power. Hey, we’re at a new place in the video game and this is so good. A breath for things can change, because they can, and they do.
- Turns out that the same person who unblinkingly quoted you an outrageous hotel room price can also equally unblinkingly knock $50 off the same room if you ask them for something better. I have learned this before but I forget it. Also the room turned out to have a balcony with an absolutely breathtaking view. And a gigantic whirlpool bath. And a full kitchen. And a couch. So let’s have a breath for beautiful miracles and the superpower of Good Surprises.
- I had a long talk with the beautiful boy about something that was upsetting me, and he was so present and loving and understanding and kind. A breath for this being my life now, and how this is such a healing for past experiences
- I was able to laugh at abrupt changes in the script this week. It started when I learned the last leg of my trip next month — Operation Adventures in Reverberation — had been abruptly canceled on me due to some obscure federal law that no one knew about. This is hilarious, and such a moment of hologram-shifting. Or really, a Truman Show moment of “whoops we can’t let our hero off the island, let’s come up with something fast”. It is so very ridiculous that I am in massive admiration and appreciation for this sudden change of plans. Normally I would be shaking my fists at the sky about my adventure suddenly being messed with, and the cosmic raining on parades, but right now I am just appreciating the Redirection. A breath for I am a grand adventuress and I am ready for this new adventure.
- My lover climbing out of bed in the camper and finding me “at work” and laughing happily in my ear: “You have wild eccentric writer hair and you’re in your underthings, typing away clicketty-clack, and you are cute and sexy and hot and odd and wonderful, and this life here makes me happy.” A breath for how quickly my big and seemingly impossible life wish (revealed on our last trip in November) of Run Away And Do Nothing And Just Be A Eccentric Writer came into fruition.
- We walked for an hour in the evening in my favorite state park and SAW A BEAR WHO ALSO SAW US — the bear did a much better job than I did of acting like this was no big deal, and we danced country two step between the trees, and then I received a lesson in grounding from a gigantic sequoia, and that was all pretty amazing. A breath for all of this, and for all forms of adventuring.
- I am learning so much about Adventure. For example, how hilarious it is that I thought this six month road trip was the adventure. A breath for how happy I am, and for “how did we ever pull this off!”.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. I am learning so much about no and about yes and about adventuring. Back to the hills and our sweet evening walks. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for joy, presence, grace, pleasure, peanut butter, Shmita and this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
Rewrote the about page and all my various bios in the various places. Did a lot of thinking about what I want. Pieced together some pieces. Made the list I hadn’t wanted to make. Finalized the plans for Operation Adventures in Reverberating. Figured out timetables for the summer. Actually a surprising amount got done this week.Thank you fractal flowers, thank you Shmita, thank you Switch/Swoop. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpowers of laughing at clues, inventing imaginary ice cream and the power of Knowing What I Don’t Want.
Powers I want.
The superpower of Joyfully Skipping — in the sense of letting things go and also not doing, and also playing hooky, and also the buoyant body sensation of skipping down a hillside in the best mood ever.
And the superpower of easily holding everyone accountable.
Also the superpower of All Obstacles Quickly Reveal Themselves As Not Obstacles, And I Say Thank You Before During And After.
The Salve of There Are No Obstacles.
This is one of those tricksy metaphysical salves — it has an iridescent quality to it so it looks like water and then like metal, and while you’re trying to figure out what’s going on, it’s already absorbed deep into your being, dissolving paradoxes and generating new ones.
At first when I wear this salve, I begin to see openings and possibilities: the fascinating variety of ways that my obstacles might turn out not to be obstacles.
And then in a flash I see how maybe they weren’t obstacles to begin with.
Sometimes this salve requires immense amounts of trust, and several naps. You have to give it a few days, or longer, but you only think you do, because the magic is happening under the surface and also it doesn’t need to happen under the surface, because it already happened, it’s already done.
The best part of this salve is the way it streams in other qualities, like vitality, courage, wonder, appreciation and laughter.
It comes in a shell, which you can tuck under your pillow to release obstacles — that is to say, obstacles that never were, the perception of obstacles! — while you sleep…
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes to us by way of the horrible color that twitter and Facebook and all these sites use, they’re called Allergic To Blue. Their music is like Daft Punk meets Jacques Brel, but all in 3:4 time. And as it turns out, it’s just one guy.
And my upcoming Biopic…
She Really Loves Peanut Butter. The Havi Brooks Story.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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The hardgood:
– the wish came back as a No. But I hadn’t been expecting to hear at all, and I enjoyed wishing so much, and I’d already dropped another marble in the top of the tower, that I am content with this not being my bus
The hard:
– I have a blister. This is due to the wrong shoes.
– missed picking up my bike by five minutes. Five minutes!
– and ew, Cambridge rush hour traffic. Hurrah for never driving.
The good:
– lots of walking – partly enforced, partly chosen
– yellow crown imperials!
– introduced N to the mermaids, and they get on well
Hardgood — oh, I like that very much. That is the place where much of my silent retreating dwells.
The Hard:
1. I had to go to a thing with someone who says all the right things but strikes me as dangerous. Though if I were clear that it’s that simple, the whole thing would be easier. There’s also just “this person is not HSP friendly and so I’m too overwhelmed to think,” and “wow are all my monsters having opinions right now” and “I can’t see the present time because it’s blending with the past.”
2. I do not do well with being on campus for more than four or five hours at a time. The day of the hard thing, it didn’t even start until I’d already been there five hours and then there was the hours hours of hard and then the hour bussing home. Sometimes I’ve arrived at “and now it is time for Rhiannon to be in a darkened room alone” and it’s better for that experience to happen quickly
3. My lovely husband is quitting his job and This Is Right (probably) and This Is Scary (certainly). It has also been a thing where we resisted this information for quite some time, and thus have had to be redirected in a relatively more difficult way.
4. House isn’t clean and it’s driving me nuts.
5. A financial institution wrote me a check but didn’t sign it, so now I have more than $1000 that has effectively ceased to exist for me and will at the least require a phone call to sort out and ugh.
6. I need or at least want a lot of things, and the money I have to spend on these things is not enough for all of them. And now we’re going to have even less money! It’s kind of hilarious.
7. The Day That Everthing Triggered My Abandonment Stuff and I went very Hyde very quickly.
The Good:
1. Got to talk to lovely Esme for hours and hours and get all my next clues plus just feel connected and close.
2. The day of the confusing hard thing, I saw my stuff without being in it. Very helpful.
3. Still have a 100% or higher in all my classes (though I won’t after the midterms). Turns out that four/five years off made me better at school, not worse.
4. My daughter is the best, and we spent all weekend watching butterflies, who are definitely cool with the whole “butterfly habitat” I’ve created for them, even if it’s still growing. Also she made a self portrait, which looked a bit like a spider. And she’s started declaring things hers and asking us to touch or not to touch them. It’s the best! AND sometimes when she’s trying to figure out the words for what she wants, she’ll just repeat “I want” ten or eleven times, which I also love.
5. Super awesome sex after way too long an absence of the same. I’m learning about another level and it’s difficult and painful but now there is hope.
6. Biking to school. So fun! And this second time I was a lot less sore afterward.
Less than threes for all!
The Good #1:
Yay!
Bon samedi, y’all.
What worked? Apologizing. Working at Chateau West. The Grouse Grind shirt as a base.
What next? Separating labels from stamps from stationery from stickers. Maybe investing in containers specific to them. That would be a big deal for Me Who Is My Mother’s Daughter and Feels It’s So Very Irresponsible Not To Repurpose or Make Things Myself. But Present Me is working two jobs plus studying and housekeeping, and Slightly Future Me has visions of guests and salons. I don’t regret the boxes I bought two years ago for archiving correspondence… A deep breath and then another for negotiating with ghosts.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
I really like having a window into your road adventures, Havi. Thank you.
Hard:
–I really don’t like how much of my energy during choral performances is taken up with “how long will I have to stand? Will I get through it without pain or discomfort or dizziness or nausea? I wish I could bring myself to ask whether I can become one of those singers who gets to sit down. I don’t feel old enough or whatever enough to permit myself to ask for that, it seems. And so, energy that I want to put into singing gets put into worry and distress, and I don’t like this at all.
Good: I do love singing, both alone and with others, and I get to do it a lot. I have been remembering my dreams more, in more ways than one.
Happy weekend, all! I now invoke the superpower of Sweet and Steady Shimmering.
Happy Saturday and cluck!! I wanted to be the first to chicken, but i was too tired last night.
what worked this week: Foundation, how i love thee. Best Practices. going thru the list.
the hard:
-being married to an alcoholic = perpetual drama. husband threw a monkey wrench into our lives this week that swamped my boat for days. a breath for shame, panic, letting my Crown slip, and resentment
-discomofrt in my skin means i’m not being authentic somewhere. a breath for not being in alignment
-not loving how i look. a breath for lapsed well-tending
-all the things i’m not doing that i wanted to, a breath for lack of movemnt
-migraines, migraines, migraines
the sparkle:
-Spring!
-I named April the month of Discoveries and Capers and yes it has been
-i was vibing i wanted magical women time, and i found that. major joy sparks
-the monkey wrench revealed so many things, some bad and some good, but there was a pop of movement towards fixing some of this
-throughout the recent bullshit, Foundation held me up
-IncomingMe, WiserMe had some things to say.
-so much to be grateful for
The hard and the good felt super intertwined this week:
The good: a great session with Therapist
The hard: hoping for Clarity after session with Therapist; so far am no more Clear.
The good: Had an extra 2 days off work this week (originally to attend a conference that turned out to be Not My Bus) and I have been attempting to treat it as a solo mini-Rally. Yay!
The hard: Lots of monster activity; mainly they’re saying that I’ve neither relaxed well enough NOR projetized well enough and I’m screwing up Rally and I’m going to go back to work feeling Not Refreshed at All and it’s going to be more of the same blah blah etc. Trying to remind myself that everything that happens at Rally is part of Rally and there’s no way to screw it up but I’m not sure I’ve convinced myself.
The Good: I followed my True Yes to a session with Amazing Bodyworker B and it was indeed amazing.
The Hard: The massage brought up some body/wellness stuff I’d been kind of hiding from.
The Good: Thursday lunch at a new Mexican place with C!
The Hard: Wanting more connection like that–low-key & fun & No Big Deal–and not being sure how to get it or how to balance it with my introvert self’s need for recharge time after so much time at work with the public.
What beautiful wishes, All. . . .
Mmm I love the superpower of I read the script! This is shifting something for me. Hmmm!
The hard, challenging and/or mysterious:
– Got what I perceived to be some really upsetting news on Tuesday. Family members being evicted from their apartment for extremely unfair reasons, deadline to be out is a week after the wedding. Not how I wanted this time to be!
– The next day, got spectacularly ill. Still recovering. Yeeeeesh.
– Feel this familiar pang of ‘nope’ about going to work in the morning. Le sigh.
– A money thing has been on my mind, it has to do with my relationship and how we handle money, and I’m not sure if I’m less upset than I would have expected, or if I’m masking how upset I actually am, and it’s disconcerting but to be able to tell. This seems important but it’s just kind of sitting there right now. Hm.
The good, delightful and/or sparkly:
– I am finding an opportunity here to practice not ‘parenting’ my family. Going back to some article I read about parenting teens or something, asking yourself ‘who owns this problem?’ (Them) and also leaning a lot on the phrase ‘what do you think you’ll do?’ Not out loud, just in my head. So. There is continued movement on this front for me, which is probably necessary as part of my hypothetical nearish-future transition into motherhood *knock wood maybe fingers crossed hope so*
– My sweet love has been so terrific while I have been sick. He’s terrific all the time, but still. Also I have gotten a bunch of practice at saying ‘would you make side comforting noises at me, please’ which it turns out is an EXTREMELY useful thing to be able to say. I feel like this relationship is holding a beautiful space for me to grow into comfort with being a person, having needs, taking up space, wanting things, and being enough. It’s beautiful and I feel just full of love and gratitude and wonder.
I had more good to write about but now I am just going to let that last bit percolate alongside ‘I read the script’ and see what happens.
Muah -o- -o- -o-
“Who owns this problem?” – I like that and think it could be very useful for me. Thank you.
Here’s to parenting ourselves instead of others. 🙂
Thank you for sharing, Havi. Here’s to finding the badass skills, strength, and power just when one needs them. So great!
I am very much relating to the need to be understood, even in the most illogical of situations. And to those issues of consent and respect. These are huge.
Lots of love in navigating what sounds like a tricky and troubling situation with the friend of a friend. And, feeling so happy that you are enjoying some wild eccentric writing time that is not logisticking time.
My dreams this week involved bugs – lots of them. Both dreams took place in my childhood home. In the first, my brother and I could not figure out how the bugs were coming into the living room and we could not kill them.
Days later, in the second dream, I was alone in my childhood bedroom. I saw an ant on my white carpet. And then another. And then a voice said, “We have a blue ant infestation.” And I looked down, and these round, jelly-like bulbs were congregating and multiplying rapidly around my bedpost. I froze.
Then, I ran outside to my current adulthood backyard, went into the shed, and returned to the childhood bedroom with some ant poison in a big spray bottle with a wand. I sprayed it around the perimeter of the room and bedposts and then all over the carpet. The ants disappeared instantly.
And, then, from under the surface of the carpet, brown spots appeared in the white threads. As I stood and watched, these really long, disgusting centipedes emerged – varying in length from 4 to 10 inches. They were loosely coiled around themselves and writhed in pain as they died. I watched from the hallway.
I woke up.
There’s got to be some good intel in the progress between those two dreams.
My week was interesting. I saw the beginnings of wishes being fulfilled. I followed my intuition and timely and wonderful surprises ensued. I did some things differently than I have in the past and (guess what?!) I got different results! I felt proud of myself and grateful for the support of the Universe. My darling detective and I spent some time visiting with funny, playful, intelligent people who are kind and curious and very warm. To community and connections with like-minded and -spirited people.
Please accept some heart-shaped flower petals in your favorite shade of red. Could it be the I RED the script?
The hard:
– Client project I accepted despite my better judgment (because I was broke and haven’t yet learned the art of sticking to my Yes and No) is dragging on and I have no idea where it’s going.
– Was hurt that my partner didn’t share my excitement about how better things are going for me lately.
– After all this time I still feel insecure about the thing I do for a living and this results in endless procrastination.
– Speaking of procrastination, feeling guilty because I’m behind on schedule for an art thing.
– Too many beers on Friday night, I can’t handle it anymore, I’m not 22 anymore, and it wasn’t fun even the.
The good:
– Unexpected inquiry that turned into a gig the same day, and I’ve managed to reduce some of my debt to D.
– Unexpected email from a gallery owner who wants me to take part in several art shows they’re making!
– Had so many epiphanies about things I want to express more in my writing.
– Meeting up with M. who I missed dearly in the past months that we haven’t been seeing each other.
– I’m always amazed that drunk me has enough composure to clean contacts and turn on the dishwasher at 4 AM.
Thank you.
Thanks for the extra time to Primp my Chicken.
Hard – Pain and stiffness on my mousing side.
Also Hard – Realizing that the Monsters take over my mouth when I’m talking to The Dude about his health, weight, and exercise. I apologized, but I need to make sure I’m saying that I love him and am fearful.
And the ostrich feather disintegrated. Not a Metaphor.
The Good – Having a deep closet. I had considered releasing the Jacket and maybe the pants I had gotten in Portland, but they were perfect for the Event.
The Monsters not bugging me when I forget things. There are Garmins and other Sundays as back-up plans. No Big Deal.
What will I do next time?
Maybe I’ll get the Scientists to build me a switch to turn off the microphone that the Monsters grab to make their words come out of my mouth. The “It’s Not Karaoke Night!” sign isn’t working.
I did listen to that voice telling me ways to Move More and shrank a little.
The Good –Good Vibes with the New Technology Team (real people). Sparklepoints for figuring out and configuring the Rather Large, Pressing Piece of Cake. So, I had returned to my desk full of Adrenaline from a Technology Wrangle and was faced with a Rather Large, Pressing Piece of Cake, so I asked, “What do I want?”
And my body replied, “I WANT A DRINK!” The assertiveness and rapidity of the answer jerked me back in my chair. I wanted the qualities of an alcoholic drink – that warm, fuzzy feeling that permeates every molecule of my being and makes them all happy, even cold germs. Just recognizing my want neutralized the Adrenaline Poison and relaxed me. In the future, I will ruminate about the qualities and what else, if anything, I want that is A Drink.
I wish that the Lee with the Answers is always so prompt and clear when I ask what I want. Usually the reply is garbled with a lot of kindas and maybe likes in it.
The Dude and I celebrating his Birthday, because he got close to having it Cancelled.
Remember to wear a Hat to Events. I received appreciative comments. (I need to have it expanded, though.)