It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday, for this space, and for being here when we get here.}
What worked this week?
Asking friends to keep me company.
Both virtual and IRL.
Companionship was a big deal this week.
Next time I might…
Run away.
Okay, two years ago I made a promise to myself to get out of town in July, and avoid the explosions and trauma of fireworks on and around [that holiday].
Last year I was somewhere quiet and peaceful and beautiful, and it was heaven.
This year I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s awful. Fireworks every day, all week, and we’re not even at the Fourth yet.
Let’s keep planning ahead, my love. And remember that it’s not just the one day, it’s more like ten days.
And the title of my upcoming Biopic if it were based on this week…
That Seems Like Way Too Much Work, Never Mind. The Havi Brooks Story.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This was a challenging week, and really, that’s kind of all I want to say about that, so let this be a placeholder for [Silent Retreat] on things being difficult for me. A breath for remembering that I am allowed to find challenging things challenging, and all the superpowers of that.
- This heat wave is ridiculous and seemingly never-ending, and it’s nearly a hundred degrees (if not more) every day, and it is reminding me of the worst summer of my life and I am having a rough time of it. A breath for me.
- Body is unhappy. Not sleeping well, or, for that matter, doing anything well, because of the heat and sunburn and early fireworks going off and the neighbor is doing something that involves 8am jackhammers, and also I am dealing with [situations]. A breath for acknowledgment, legitimacy, permission, meeting myself with love.
- I am spending my days in the basement where the air is cooler, going through boxes upon boxes, and letting things go, and it hurts so much, and I am uncovering things (in the boxes and in me) that I did not want to see or remember or encounter, and all this letting go is the worst. A breath for easing and releasing.
- There is a version of me, I call her Volatile Me. She’s in her early twenties, I think, and she lives to make trouble, and she is so hurt and so angry, and she is hellbent on destroying everything in sight and doesn’t care who else gets taken down in the process (hint, it’s always her), and she is really angling for us to go on a Stupid Streak, so she can watch everything burn. I love her, I recognize that she wants to protect me, I want her to feel heard and acknowledged, and I am not okay with her going to the front of the V and taking command. A breath for these old, old patterns and all the fun-sounding but ultimately self-destructive things I want to do when she’s in lashing out mode, a breath for making new choices.
- Ohmygod this country. Black churches are burning every day and the news is like, lalalalala this doesn’t exist. The cognitive dissonance of that, how extreme it is. People are being terrorized, and it’s essentially invisible except there it is, happening. A breath of grace, please, for seeing, for naming things, for everything that needs to change.
- Two weeks without my lover, who is too busy and/or out of cell range to talk to me, and has basically really just gone AWOL, and and half the time I crave his company because I miss him so much and also just because I want someone to talk to, and the other half of the time I want to shut him out and hurt him for not being there for me (see: Volatile Me), but I can’t shut him out anyway even if I were going to, since he’s nowhere to be found. A breath for every single part of this, and for remembering that the story I’m telling is not truth. Truth is that I am safe and loved and held in grace, all the time, whether he’s in my life or not. And truth is also that he is crazy about me, and none of my monster-stories are even remotely-accurate. So let’s stay in truth, babe. Let’s come back to truth.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Had another miracle week of not being in chronic pain most of the time. A breath for everything that is working.
- BEACH DAY! Julie and I went to the coast, where it was 73 degrees as opposed to 97 in Portland. I thought I might have some feelings, since we went to a place I used to go with The Spy, but it was easy. Oh, the Pacific Ocean. Oh, cool breezes and wearing a scarf, and writing. I need to spend way more time at the coast. A breath for happiness.
- Before the sunburn and other body stuff, I was MOVING MY BODY and it felt so good. I mean, I was mainly doing that because my dance studio has delicious amounts of air conditioning, but movement was wonderful. And I went blues dancing, which is incredible, because I haven’t felt motivation or desire to dance in a long time. I left my house! I went out dancing! Had some beautifully creative dances. A breath for joyful movement, for connection, for creativity and play.
- All this releasing is good for me. Processing all this emotion is good for me, even when it’s not fun. I can feel the truth of this. I have the tools to do this. Thank you, patterns, for revealing yourselves to me so clearly that it’s obvious what’s going on, and I can find ways to interrupt them. Thank you, wisest me, for reminding me that this is a useful experience. Thank you, internal scientists, for showing me evidence that yes, I have a tendency to get kind of pugilistic in high temperatures, yes, heat puts me back into Tel Aviv flashbacks, and I get really reactive, and that this isn’t the wholeness of me, it’s just a reaction to externals. Thank you. Thank you. A breath for taking care of myself.
- Agent Origami and I are doing a secret Rally right now, and it is THE BEST thing in the entire world. I am writing. This is good. Everything is part of Shmita. I have superpowers and a container for processing. Oh, and I went to see a psychic, accidentally on purpose, who was wrong about this one thing that all psychics are wrong about but man was she on target about some other things: she saw right through Volatile Me, and named the situation I had just spent two hours describing in my journal. A breath for trusting the process.
- Naps = magic. A breath of love for the healing power of napping.
- A few years ago I would have either repressed Volatile Me or let her take over completely and then regretted it so hard. Now I’m able to sit down and hash things out with her, take her dancing, listen, learn. And then I was able to take that intel and talk to my lover about [feelings], and this went really well instead of the way it would have gone back in the day. So. This is big. A breath for conscious interaction, for being present with the hard stuff, and for remembering how to play.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Cold washcloths. Spray bottles. Frozen dates. Frozen bananas. Netflix. I found some things in the basement I’d thought were lost forever. A thing at my ballroom that could have gone horribly, tragically wrong ended up being fine. Still happy about Operation True Yes. My lover is on his way to me in four days, and I can feel him glowing sweetness towards me and smiling that smile I like so much. I dreamed a healing. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I sorted through ELEVEN GIGANTIC BOXES full of papers. I found scribbled post-it notes from my mother. I cried my eyes out. I recycled things that I was scared to let go of. We can call that a successful mission, and I now award myself a billion sparklepoints. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpowers of Realizing What I’m Actually Upset About, and Giving Myself Permission To Do Less.
Which is kind of perfect, since last week I asked for the superpower of trusting in the powers of doing nothing.
Powers I want.
I want all the superpowers of Self-Care Is My Extreme Sport.
The Salve of Self-Care Is My Extreme Sport.
When I put on this salve, I treat Taking Exquisite Care of Myself the same way that an athlete in an extreme sport approaches shredding it.
I rest like it’s going to be videotaped for posterity, and an entire generation of kids will stare open-mouthed at my balls-out fearless mastery of things like giving myself a glass of water and going back to bed.
This salve combines Strength and Courage with Sweetness and Play. It goes well with the new calendar page for July (LOVE MORE) with its superpower of This Is A Badass Way To Live.
This, yes this, is a badass way to live.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from a drawing I found in the basement. It was a page from the Monster Coloring Book and the monster was upset because I forgot to be a giraffe. That’s this band: You Forgot To Be A Giraffe. Their latest album is called Don’t You Even Care, they play funk elevator music and are actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart. This got me through the 2am panicking again this week!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Hooray and Cluck! it is Friday and here we are!
Oh this week!
Last friday was my 50th birthday. Last Saturday and sunday, 50th anniersary Grateful Dead shows in the Bay Area. I was there. It is impossible to ovrstate the AWESOME COSMIC FRACTALING AWESOMENESS of this. If Baby Jesus and Havi and Jerry’s chain-smoking ghost had been sitting with me at the show, that would have been the only way to stuff more COSMIC AWESOME into this event. I am blown away.
The Sparkles dd not stop:
-discvering i inadvertently booked us at a hotel 2 blocks from the light rail so getting around nd to the show was 99% less stressful
-overcming fear and anxiety to do something awesome! meeting a challenge and overcoming that fear
-spent my birthday at the Rosicrucian museum, then doing ceremony for Yemaya. Meeting Dara and Lou
-they gave us ROSES, big red roses, as we entered the show on Saturday nite. “It must have been the roses.” Cue poignant deadhead tears
-On my birthday the battle flag came down, SCOTUS ruled on gay marriage, it was Pride weekend, the town was JOY
-saturday nite as the 1st set was winding down, an ENORMOUS double rainbw appeared over the stage, where it sat for 15 minutes. we danced, we cried, we hugged each other. OMG A RAINBOW A MILE in the air. We deadheads always knew the Dead were beloved of many Goddesses and Gods and sorry, but we are absolutely SMUG now.
– beloved old friends came to the show at my invitation nd I Miracled them in. that was joy
-i went thru a door i’d never opened before, found myself in a new neighborhood. I want to explore this place. “The Machine ELves welcome YOU to Silicon Valley!” i am blown away
the sucks:
-old narative that happens every time i [eat a new flavor of empanadas]. I LOVE [empanadas] and it’s not like i get them that often. but the [old narrative] caem back up and because i was empanada’d and hypersensistive, it was BAD. a breath for old patterns, for set and setting, for misunderstandings dissolving in laughter, if not love
-wondering again if i am cut out to be married to anyone
-going back to work was HARD.
Have a lovely weekend. Havi i will be praying for a quiet few days for you.
I took an entire weekend of and spent my days on the beach and evenings sipping good beer on the quietest beach bar we could find. I was sure there was nothing to stop me from having a glorious, productive week now that I had so much rest.
And then
– Spent the night of the Full Moon turning and zero sleep because I contracted sinusitis. I woke up miserable. It’s day 3 of the cold and I still can’t breathe. Neti pot helps only for a short while or not at all. Ugh.
– The sickness makes me unable to concentrate on work so everything I planned for this week has to be postponed.
– Feeling frustrated with myself because it’s so like me to get sick in the middle of a summer. Also frustrated that I can’t have a nice time off, but sick time off.
And some good:
+ Went to a hairdresser and got my hair cut off totally. It was an exercise in trust because I had bad experiences with hairdressers, and it was good.
It was also a way to call in Incoming Me who is elegant, takes great care of her body and treats herself with nice things and always looks stylish. With short hair, none the less.
+ My phone fell from the first floor onto the concrete road and survived. I don’t know how, and won’t question it.
+ Had a very deep healing process that uncovered what I think was the memory of my first disease ever as an infant, and all the emotions and stories about that experience that I kept dragging through all my following instances of disease. Very thankful for having the tools to do this work.
+ Did the first sweep of my stuff and selected things to give away. I still have a long way to go… But “would the Incoming Me wear this?” is a very useful question in this process.
Hoping for more health and energy in the upcoming weeks for all of us!
What worked? Making blueberry pies
Hard, frustrating, etc.:
* Not being able to rule out root canalery
* Mosquito bites
* Wanting to spend more time in my yard
* Disappointed in loan officers. Asking for copies of documents I am signing is not an unreasonable request!
* So physically out of shape
* Working with and around mehs and meltdowns, especially since I myself have not only a full plate but a freaking buffet bar …
Good, happy, etc.:
* Good meeting with architect
* My editing complimented
* Line of credit in place
* Face cloths
* Balloonflowers about to bloom
* Some of the weeds in the driveway are pretty
* Iced tea
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Hello everyone! Hello Friday!
This was the Week of the Sneaky Vacation.
Worked: Waiting And Seeing. it’s my new favourite strategy for everything. also what I say to monsters all the time lately (they think I’m the worst). as in, oh, what’s that, monster? is this the biggest procrastination ever and we need to STOP IT RIGHT NOW OR ELSE? well that’s certainly an interesting way to look at that. anyway. (yawn. breath. smile.) let’s just wait and see, shall we?
Next time: take a real holiday when I KNOW I need it versus half-assedly pretend to try to work only to not-work most of the time anyway (the Badass Way To Live vs. the half-assed way to live, I guess). no need to try and sneak past the monsters like some self-care ninja, sweetie. we know what we need so let’s do that, Out Loud.
Oh, Havi, I want to offer you a cool, smooth pebble to help with your hard week. -o-
Right now, in this moment, I am feeling cranky. It’s been a busy week, and an especially busy couple of days. The monsters are rumbling and grumbling, telling stories of Is This How It’s Always Going To Be and Now Is Then and NoTimeNoTimeNoTimw. I suspect that this is not good for my blood pressure.
It’s been a good week, though! Lots of the good kind of work, intriguing opportunities for new clients, music-making, writing. This feels like a time of transition, a time rich with potential.
And here you are with the *perfect* salve. Thank you! This is a badass way to live. <3
Deep breath.
Deep breath.
Deep breath.
The hard:
1) heat. In Seattle. No AC. And one fan.
2) raising a toddler in the heat.
3) raising a toddler. Did I really say yes to parenthood? Some days I reeeeeeally don’t wanna. Like today.
4) experiencing embarrassment while putting myself out there.
5) as a deep and sensitive person, I often sense I got dropped off on the wrong planet.
6)I had an interview or two. Yuck. I feel like a phony in interviews and that’s hard for me when I thrive on feeling true.
7) back and neck pain no matter what.
8) growing up. Owning my stuff. Practicing sovereignty. Knowing what I want. And my monsters want it perfect TODAY!
The good:
The good!
1) I took a risk. It felt good.
2) discovering coconut oil and lavender as a great new deodorant for me. Yea! Goodbye perfuming chemically deodorant.
3) seeing Oliver grow! One day two weeks ago I woke up to a new little boy who was using new words and wearing new facial expressions. It’s a fun new level of communication.
4) feeling more clear on a specific unnamed lion pit
5) black iced tea no lemon today thank you
6) summer dresses no bras wearing same thing in a row
7) stars. The planets that aligned a few days ago. And we’re so bright. Magic is real.
8) trust more, love more, release more, receive more.
Goodbye week!
Wishing all here oceans of the self care is my extreme sport salve.
Love!
Thank you thank you thank you for this space you create. I am dropping pebbles of love here.
My own chicken is, thankfully, mostly good this week.
The Hard:
— therapy was frustrating, & journalling about it is still being frustrating; there’s something about what we talked about that doesn’t feel true, but I want to examine it anyway, in case it’s resistance & not just “Not my Yes”. A breath for not being sure, and being frustrated, and all those feelings being OK.
— something’s up with my digestion, and stopping to eat meat (mostly) may be helping, but may not?
— Today I got another recommendation for Marie Kondo after reading about the joy sparks here all those weeks ago; so I got an ebook of her book, because I have piles of boxes along one wall of my room at my parents’ house and I can’t deal with them yet. And I feel like I can’t properly declutter in this space because it’s not entirely my space and I can’t make most of the decisions unilaterally. A breath for sharing space and for blood family (Family of Origin, which I sometimes in my bitter moments call Family of Obligation).
— Was reminded today that I want to help my parents with money things almost the same amount as I want to move out and live on my own. Almost.
— Family friends questioning if my job hunt is living up to my potential. I don’t WANT to find a job in my “specialty” (i.e. my major), and not having that kind of ambition isn’t a failure. I will find the job that brings me joy. Trust.
The Good:
— yesterday was magical with boating and poetry reading and walking across the Brooklyn Bridge late at night on aching feet. More of that, please.
— meditation has been going well, leading into mindfulness elsewhere in my life
— I’ve been able to do my remote work a decent amount; not anywhere close to full time, but enough that I feel accomplished
— Applying to jobs more frequently, and it’s ones I feel I do want. Maybe getting better at cover letters, too? I like to think I’m being more truthful and personable in them.
— Poetry, poetry, poetry!
— Journalling!
I really do think I’m doing better these past two weeks than I have been in months and months. I might have to revisit the idea that I prefer winter to summer, because the past summer was excellent, despite miserable heat, and the past winter has been horrible. And this summer is turning out to be pretty good. Fingers crossed for the future.
Hello, Chicken.
The Hard:
– The heat. I was sitting in the blazing sun at a bus stop at SEVEN IN THE EVENING and it was 93 degrees.
– My plants are dying. I’m working so hard to keep them watered and I’m not keeping up.
– Someone told my husband the weeds in my yard were bothering them so much that they want to start weeding for me. This is, like, the most triggering thing I can currently imagine for a variety of reasons, and then no one understood. And then I cried alllllll day because beartime.
– I think that several people in my orbit are just having a hard time, but it feels like everyone hates me and then I feel constantly abandoned, and this makes everything harder.
– Still can’t handle the 8am to 8pm Mondays and Wednesdays. Also almost started screaming at a professor because MISINFORMATION and ugh.
– Fireworks.
– Got super sick, stayed super sick, had a crisis about how sick I’ve felt for so long.
– Money and the lack thereof. Still.
– The night of the full moon, Scarlet woke up at midnight and stayed up until 4am. This was also the night before my stats midterm.
The Good:
– All this angst about AWFUL summer classes helped me clarify my boundaries in a helpful way. I *finally* feel good about my fall schedule.
– I had an amaaaaazing healing. It’s completely impossible to talk about, but… Was amazing.
– Had people over and it was so fun!
– Scarlet and I went to the pool and spent hours and hours dunking our heads underwater and going down water slides.
– We also went to my favorite park and hung out in the water fountain and it was pretty much the best.
– No gluten for almost a week now! And I’m so much less bloated and my skin is better and I am so grateful to my love for making me lunch every day and for me to improvising when I also had to put together dinners in the long day.
– I turned in the paperwork for my scholarship application! And it only took 30 minutes and almost no drama. Which is about a week and thousands of millions of pounds of drama less than usual.
– Scarlet put herself down for a nap! Voluntarily! Angrily, even. She just marched in, crawled under the covers, and slept.
This week I just want to say that I am *so* grateful you’re all here.
That I can show up, anytime, at this virtual gathering space and feel like I am seen and understood (even when I’m lurking), and that my experiences and feelings and thoughts are valid and do not, in fact, make me some kind of crazy person.
Hearing everyone else’s vulnerable sharings and honesty feels like a giant, gentle, hug.
I so appreciate (every single one of) you, and that you’re here, and that you’re so brave.
<3
me
<3 <3
Hello and have a nice Saturday / Sunday / weekend, Chickeneers!
Weeks seem so different now that I’m not in school 7 hours a day ( = 9 hours away from home).
So…
The hard:
1. A hard conversation with my mom. So hard that I don’t really want to think or talk about it. I do know that it was important, I don’t know if it might even change anything. Also lots of guilt around this.
2. I’m kind of worried about the amount of improvement I need to make in order to become good at what I’m studying, and I’m also not studying at the best of places, and I’m planning to learn a lot by myself during the summer – but I’m not sure that it will be enough. And also I want to rest because next year is going to be crazy and I want to learn somehow to make it not-so-crazy because I don’t really believe anymore in not sleeping and not eating because of school stuff – but still want to do well at school. Argh.
The good:
1. Said NO to a teaching job. And realized that I’ll never get a job as a teacher in the near future because I’m much happier being a private tutor, deciding on my own salary and owning my own time. Yay and a deep breath for my independence!
2. Bought flight tickets to Iceland! Still can’t believe this is happening, but apparently it is. 🙂
3. Finished all my school projects, finally! Now just the exams are left.
4. I have new and old-new students, and hopefully will soon have more!
5. My parents were really supportive about my decisions (saying no to the job, booking flight tickets). Still don’t love the idea of using their financial help, but hopefully will save some money this summer.
6. This great online support group I’ve joined makes me do stuff I want to do and worry less about stuff I’m not doing. 🙂
And now – it’s Saturday and I’m making slow, but existing, progress preparing for my next exam, after which there are two exams in subjects I’m actually interested in. 🙂 My roommate is back home. And I have a volunteering shift tonight. And plums in my fridge. A breath for calmness…
What worked:
Deciding to go hike.
The hard:
10 miles is a long way. On a foot who plantar facia hates life and me and hiking and kittens. Who spreads its hate to my knee and hip and other leg with its venom. But I had to keep going to get out of the woods.
Future Me is wondering when Now Me is going to realize that she’s there and that provisions need to be made. Real ones. It’s hard to grasp and even harder to execute.
The good:
Finally taking ibuprofen which helped my foots neighbors.
10 miles is a long way. And I did it. Even speedily at some points. Go me!
Babied the foot today. Well, tortured with ice baths and rolling but it is an evil baby who likes that stuff.
Now Me could think about things Past Me did and whether or not those were helpful.
Bed and sleep and rest.
I am so happy about this month’s superpower, because I’m doing Camp Nano, which means I am writing every day in July, which (for me) is a badass way to live. yep.
Whoa.
I didn’t realize until now how ashamed I feel for being physically–heck, even psychically, soulfully–compromised by the heat. Hearing that it affects you makes it feel more okay for it to affect me.
Ssshhhh, don’t tell anyone, but I’m actually a human animal and not a productivity-robot-machine-god.
Also, As a person who is 18 years and one arms-length away from this sort of thing, I know I’m in trouble when I start gazing at frosty mugs and Googling drugs I’ve never tried. “Maybe a little DMT is just the ticket to lift me out of this funk!”
In my case, it means 1) I’m depressed; 2) the prospect of taking care of myself fills me with terror and boredom in equal proportions; so, 3) “Volatile Me” thinks maybe it’s her turn to do what she knows how to do.
Nice try, buddy, but not today. Today we binge on La Croix coconut seltzer, try to talk to another real live human animal, and await reinforcements.
What are superpowers and how can I get some, or recognize the ones that may already be here?
Like the salve of the week, I offer magic internet frozen stones for anyone who needs one! They are smooth, and made out of semiprecious gems in your favorite color, and they remind you that it will not be hot forever. When you hold them against the inside of your right wrist, they cool your entire body.
The Hard:
— Spent several days sweltering while the air conditioner was broken.
— Too hot to sleep, so sleep deprivation followed by wonky sleep cycle due to catch-up sleep.
— Didn’t get 2 jobs I interviewed for. Both were easily within my skill & experience, and I desperately need a job, so it felt really unfair.
The Good:
— Air conditioning got fixed!
— Yoga for my sciatica. Thanks, yoga, for fixing my body.
— [silent retreat]
— Have an interview coming up.
— (Unrelated) exciting job opening in my field. It’s a long shot given my experience, but keeping fingers crossed.
— Yay fireworks! I love art made out of science.
— Reading lots of good things. Feeling slightly less stuck with my art.