D is for Dispatch

And December (and other delights)

I was journaling on my December wishes, in an attempt to glean more information about them, myself and my relationship with this time of year. Maybe even with wishing wishes at this time of year specifically.

Like a pre-cursor to new year’s resolutions, which I always replace with wishes, games, and little fun experiments…

While writing, I encountered an Incoming Self, that is: a version of me who is slightly ahead of me on some of these themes.

We talked about December, motivating in the dreary season, the power of AND I CRAVE IT, and the value in whole-heartedly embracing winter cheer in whatever form that might take this year.

This version of Incoming Me is also really into D-words, which is both funny to me and also fascinating.

D is for

This self is into D-words and they described what they’re about like so:

Dedicated. Devoted. Disciplined. Direct and Directed. Decisive. Dancer.

These are related to the December wishes, and they are all D-words, and this is intriguing.

I invited in December wishes and December wishing, and here is a self who is really into this one letter.

Sunny

I asked if this self had a name, and they said I can refer to them as Vitamin D, or Sunny, and then they laughed.

Sure, why not. I guess either of those names is more concise than Dedicated Devoted Disciplined Direct & Directed Decisive Dancer. D7? Sunny it is.

And all these beautiful wishes and D-word qualities are related to diving in, and to making it through another long cold mountain winter out in the high desert forests, and being the cowboy of the bunkhouse…

A good name

So yes, Sunny is a good name here.

Sunny embodies all of what I want.

A sunny outlook. A glowing backdrop.

Hope, and if not hope because hope is feeling too distant, then some form of contentment in the moment.

D is for Diversion? Along the winding path of words…

As it happens, Sunny was also the name of my very wonderful kindergarten teacher. Morah Sunny is what we called her. Teacher Sunny.

And in retrospect that sounds very funny or incongruous, but at that time in my life, bilingual Hebrew-English mashups were just the way of the world, maybe with some Yiddish thrown in for good luck.

Anyway, she did indeed have a sunny personality, and was a warm glow of a person. I feel lucky that she was there at that time in my life.

So maybe my December wishes and this incoming self are also about embodying some of that light-hearted laughter and loving-kindness.

A tiger’s fan, for example

I was thinking about how something about these qualities together: Decisive, Devoted, Disciplined, Direct, reminded me of a tiger and the way it moves.

And this made me think of the Detroit Tigers, the baseball team, and their gorgeous English D logo, and of being a little kid outside of Detroit when they won the 1984 World Series, and how thrilling that was.

Dedication and Devotion are also part of the experience of being a fan. And of the game itself.

Diving for the catch. Stealing third. Going for extra innings.

So maybe this self is a Tigers Fan both in the sense of being a fan of the Detroit Tigers, and in the sense of being a fan of being cat-like, like a tiger.

Tell me more

Tigers are powerful and also patient.

They wait when it’s time to wait and pounce when it’s time to pounce. I am a fan.

D is also for Dolphin

A few years ago a friend and I made a pact to do I think it was a minute of dolphin pose every day for a month, for back strengthening.

Dolphin pose is a pose that I didn’t like until I did, this is true for many yoga poses and movements.

Once you have the strength to do it and know a few tricks or points of focus, it kind of holds itself. But all the training to get to that, well that can take some time and patience.

You can also move smoothly and gracefully (or not) back and forth between Dolphin and Dog, working on luscious transitions. That is a clue for me too.

Also something about finding the softness in the strength, and the fluidity…

D is also for Double-Decker

Yes, it is the season of elaborate sandwiches, which is also part of Operation Winter Cheer, and also my ongoing gluten-free baking experiments.

This is about layering, in all forms, which is truly the secret to winter here in the wilds, at least in this hemisphere.

And being a little OVER THE TOP, or a lot over the top, which I love in all seasons but especially right now.

D is also for Decadent

Decadent rituals like morning golden milk hot chocolate, or hanging out with another incoming self, the one who makes a mean galette.

Reviewing my December wishesAnd then I got sooooo stuck

Not sure if it’s the vibes just being off, or my horrifyingly long list of things that need attending to.

Or that I lost a week to dealing with my stuck door situation.

I just got so deeply stuck this past week, and so overwhelmed, and couldn’t get anywhere with anything, and the more I tried to unstick, the more I got mired into despair.

Or stimming into oblivion, absent-mindedly playing with my hair and staring into space until the day disappeared, and then feeling frustrated because not only did the list not get shorter, but more things got added to it while I was either freaking out or spacing out.

But then it occurred to me, that D is also for Dispatch…

D is for Dispatch

D is for DISPATCH, and Dispatch is also a verb. Can I dispatch something speedily and get it off my list?

For some reason, dispatch felt more accessible than discipline or devotion or directness, and then I was able to hand-wash some tops and hang them to dry, to write a thank you note, to respond to some texts, to make a list, to look up information on next steps…

Dispatch is also an update. Like a brief!

I can sum up what I am doing into a little report. Dispatch the dispatch!

Of course, how did I forget

Right, I had forgotten that the most important thing in a funk is to shift the energy.

(And quite often that means find the fun! Find the obsession!)

Luckily the important part of forgetting is the remembering. And luckily I did eventually remember before the day ended.

If D is also for DISPATCH, I can dispatch small things, with as much grace as I can muster, or even without.

Sometimes even a tiger is a little klutzy or inexact. Maybe I am a baby tiger, and just tumbling my way into learning about agility. That’s okay too. I’m a fan!

Asterisk

Being able to have a little fun with dispatching and dispatches reminded me that I always have more fun playing than trying to force things, and that play is (for me at least) the best way to get anything done.

This helped me understand that maybe all my D-words need an asterisk.

Like yes, Devotion and Discipline, but in a fun, sexy, playful way.

So: asterisk to everything. We are doing this in a way that is going to be fun. Hello, Dispatch! This is fun!

Discussing with Sunny

Havi: Maybe D is like Delphic? Like an oracle?
Sunny: If that brings you more fun and winter cheer, then absolutely, go for it.

Havi: I am still not sure what to do with the conundrum of December is often depressing and a drag (more D words) and there isn’t the right kind of energy for Doing, but there is all this doing that needs to be done to clear the decks for the end of the year…
Sunny: And?

What do you mean…?

Havi: I don’t know, just: I don’t know what to do with any of this?
Sunny: What if nothing needs to be done?

Havi: What do you mean?
Sunny: What if your work is Operation Winter Cheer, and you approach things from Winter Cheer, and December can hold itself? It’s not that you don’t take steps on those projects, it’s that you are resourced by Winter Cheer, which happens first. So first you devote yourself to devotion, practice for the sake of practice, that is the discipline that holds the rest and invites the directness.

Doing within the framework of nothing needs to be done

Havi: So you’re saying, do entry first, set the tone, set the mood…
Sunny: I’m saying, tend to feeling sunny. Start from there. You won’t get anything done anyway from doom and gloom mode, so it’s worth it to take the time to access your glow state.

Havi: But all this stuff really does need to get done.
Sunny: I know it’s a roundabout way. You might call it a DETOUR, if you like a D word. Just like how you had fun dispatching things, you can have fun when you make room for fun. And fun is transformative energy.

Havi: So what happens now?
Sunny: What would be fun?

D is for [Destruction]

Havi: I want to knock some things down. To get to some kind of clean slate and rebuild.
Sunny: That does sound fun!

Havi: Like in the Shiva way of breaking things down into components and allowing something new to form in the kaleidoscope, but I don’t know what the new thing is yet because I am still looking at what was…
Sunny: You are ready to do some dispatching. Dispatch! We are ready to play!

What is next?

I think I am going to spend the weekend doing yoga and cooking, and see what emerges.

And I want to journal more about the wishes, and maybe find a proxy, and talk to Sunny some more.

It seems like before anything else can happen, I need to clear the path to clear the path. And I need to find the fun.

So maybe I will start with bright colors, bake a cake, dance it out, feel into what is next.

Dropping a clue

Havi: Sunny, can you give me a clue please? Or a talisman? Or something to look for or hold onto…
Sunny: Go for a walk in the sun. You’ll feel better, I promise.

Havi: Can you give me more than that please.
Sunny: Remove things that aren’t cheerful. And make some aspect of the removal process itself cheerful, like play a song you love, or turn it into a silly rhyming poem. You’ll know how. You’re very creative.

Havi: Everything is leveling up very fast and that’s why it’s scary, I think.
Sunny: Sure, things and people come and go, and some stay, and you are flowing with it as it happens, and that’s the advanced practice.

Help me remember

Havi: Help me remember what I need to remember, to stay with winter cheer and not take things so seriously that I get overwhelmed.
Sunny: Play with small devotions. A ten minute walk in pasture. Dance for one song. Make tea in your favorite mug and then just let yourself have the time to enjoy it. Bring in some silliness. Silliness is its own generative form of sunshine.

Havi: You are very wise.
Sunny: You invited me, because I am you.
Havi: Oh right haha.
Sunny: Let’s do our ten minute walk, then fold socks, but in a fun and sexy way, and then see what feels like the next move after that.
Havi: I like how you think.
Sunny: I like how you don’t give up.
Havi: Sometimes I do.
Sunny: And yet here we are, figuring this out together.

May it be so, or something even better

Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.

I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.

Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.