So yesterday I was feeling so many feelings, lots and lots of feelings, related to a particular [Situation X].
Actually, this situation and I have been having the feelings together for a few months now.
And, as you might suspect, I’ve been working/playing with both feelings and my relationship with the situation. Playing with and around them in a variety of ways, taking my time, because there is Stuff in here, and sometimes you have to dance around the edges of Stuff, because: Safety First.
But yesterday I was at the point where I had to Make An Actual Decision Related To The Ballroom. I needed to ask for input, and didn’t have a way to do this, because of the Really Big Feelings.
Big, big feelings.
Big, not fun feelings. Anger, distress, resentment, frustration, despair. And also shame about those feelings, and about my paralysis in dealing with both the situation and the feelings. Sticky.
I needed a way to bring [Situation X] to my partner in crime so we could brainstorm solutions, in a way where we could talk about what the next possible step is instead of me raging and stomping.
Not that raging and stomping is the wrong thing — sometimes it is a very right thing. What I really wanted though was an interruption from that, a break from that. To sit and strategize, without my big emotions taking over the stage to perform their giant broadway number about HELLO, MY FEELINGS.
While still, of course, allowing my feelings to be legitimate, which they are, and to have space, which they should, because feelings are always legitimate and deserving of space. And I still get to do jazz hands. Jazz hands!
So first I turned Situation X into a Cheese Shop.
It is pretty much always easier to talk about a substitute thing than it is to deal directly with the thing itself.
My post about Bolivia is a really good example of this.
It’s the only civil discussion I have ever seen on the internet about the topic of an adult (me) happily living her life without children. I wrote this three years ago, there are two hundred and sixty six comments, and not one person hurled accusations of selfishness at me or told me how they think I should be living my life, which is exactly what would happen if I were to talk about this in public without the sweet filter of metaphor.
So the Situation became a Fromagerie, and that made it easier to talk about.
But there were still these big, big feelings.
Alabama Crimson, baby.
It occurred to me that while it is useful for me to know what all my feelings are regarding this situation, the people advising me on what to do about it do not need all those details.
They need to know about the practical stuff. They can know about the fact that yes, I have big feelings, but they don’t actually need to experience my wrath.
I translated my feelings into colors.
You could read into the colors if you wanted to. But you didn’t have to. The feelings became extras in the scene, instead of the protagonists. The feelings became the person playing the triangle, instead of the whole orchestra.
I used this lovely list of colors, and here’s the best part:
The more colors I used, the more fun I was having. Partly because it was secret agent code. Partly because it was playful and creative. Partly because colors make everything better. Partly because I’ve spent two months thinking “I’m Feeling So Hurt And Angry”, and now I got to be Alabama Crimson, which is rich and vibrant and spectacular.
The feelings still get to be heard. By me.
Here are some examples of the way I used colors while documenting the history of the Cheese Shop Situation.
“Some days this is easier than others, some days it is nearly impossible. On the best days I feel reasonably Brunswick Green about this, on other days my feelings are more Bitter Lime.”
Or:
“I felt pretty Crimson Glory about that part because this was useful and convenient!”
And:
“I realize now that we should written that into the agreement, but (for reasons that I am now very Alabama Crimson about), I made the choice not to fight them on this.”
Here is a sweet little miracle.
I woke up this morning, and for the first time in three months, I do not feel Alabama Crimson about this situation.
I feel strongly about it, and I am ready to take action, but here is what I am not feeling: I’m not feeling overwhelmed by the feelings anymore.
I’m also not feeling upset about the fact that I am feeling the feelings.
This may be in part because it is apparently easier (for me) to remember that it is legitimate to feel Dark Byzantium than it is to remember that it is legitimate to feel dark, scary feelings.
And it may be because using the cheese shop and the colors gave me just enough emotional distance so that I could get closer to the parts of me who were getting lost. Stepping out so that I can draw in.
I find this reassuring. Feeling emerald about it too. Emerald and hopeful.
Play with me?
Here are the principles of how commenting works here: We play! We take care of ourselves. We remember that people vary! We do not tell each other what to do or how to feel or how to be. We are on permanent vacation from advice-giving and care-taking.
Things I am receptive to for this post:
Saying names of colors! Feeling feelings in colors. Sparks sparked for you. Ways you might end up playing with this. Excitement for me because I am making progress with the cheese shop situation. Commiseration for how much Alabama Crimson has been going on. Any or all of those.
And, as always, I love flowers.
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I’ve been feeling a bit Wine Dregs and Wild Blue Yonder lately about a situation as well. Am excited about playing with colors as metaphor. And yay for fromageries! <3
And so a beautiful new practice is born. I’m feeling very Celeste about this.
Rose (color and flowers) for the Ballroom <3
For me, puce red may have spun the last of its pucey spell, and although things have taken a spin through banana mania, totally ready for capri, zomp, and sandstorm to come out of hiding and have a (delightfully witty tea) party. Coquelicot can come too.
Proxies + color = the tool I’ve been seeking to help guide me through the end stages of [Situations C and M], which trigger enough big feelings without the unexpected [Event P].
When it’s time, may Dark Lava begin to fade so I can move through UCLA blue and experience more Electric Lavender.
Game changer! XOxoXO
I love cheese! And colors! And the names of the colors you chose. Sending flowers for cheese shop resolutions.
I was sitting and writing earlier and all of a sudden Sad Feelings About The Thing came up. They wanted to start their sad lament about all the sad things, but I wanted to keep writing and I was tired of being sad. So I made a little clone of me, and I told her she could be sad. She could sit on the desk, close to me, and cry and sigh (because it is indeed sad, but I don’t need to be the one being sad about it all the time) until she felt better, but I was going to write.
I wasn’t sure it was going to work, but it did! She cried for a few minutes and then was done. And I didn’t have to cry for any minutes and I got all my writing done. It was extremely lovely.
Ohhhhh, FUN! After circling aroud a hot pot of Phthalocyanine, I finally took my golden Peach down to the lake to be Midnight in the Sunflower. I faced the Phthalocyanine with a remarkable strength of Seashell. This allowed me to cry buckets of what I thought was Fire brick, only to realise that all this time it was actually Amaranth. Feeling a good deal like Clear Spring Sky and Babysbreath. Thank you!
Flowers! My line manager got me flowers last week and they are still blooming and lovely.
I have all the feelings at the moment about What Happens Next In My Life. Maybe I will throw some colours at that and see what happens.
All those lovely paintbox names make me think of the Casson family books (all the children are named after colours) and they are the best books in the world and maybe I should reread them before I pack them.
I have had a Terrible Acid Green feeling deep in my stomach for months. Perhaps even years. I think it is in response to an ice cream shop I ended up abandoning. Someday I really would like to go back there and finish what I started. Get those last flavors I need. But I’ve made mistakes, eaten too much and I stopped going. I am not even sure how to return. I just wake up every morning with acid green reminding me of things left undone.
And it’s funny because I think the same color trying to motivate me is what is really holding me back. Poor counterproductive thing. Hard as it tries I hope some new colors come to replace it soon.
Someday I may yet return to that ice cream shop. Let’s face it, no one is ever really too old for ice cream. But I have to live in the mean time and acid green is too heavy to carry around forever.
You were right. That is better.
Thank ypou again for the Bolivia post. As a Bolivian who always wanted to live in Bolivia, who likes living in Bolivia, but understands all too well, that DAMN Bolivia is NOT the easiest town to live in, it always dismays me how nasty the bolivia/not-bolivia discussions get online. And I am so grateful for all my non-Bolivian friends, because i need a break and sometimes they are happy to watch the llamas while i go to the movies. I would never say they are selfish, any more than I want to be assumed-to-be a doormat, a drudge or a REpublican. But it just goes to show that this blog might be the ONLY truly safe place in the intraweb.
I always loved the proxy-colors. I’ve been VPAing my wsh for more GoldenGreen.
A couple years ago I discovered some Mustard Yellow in my marriage, which made me feel Rose Madder and fearing we were heading for Black as Night. I did not believe that Mustard Yellow was really pale gray. It took a while, and putting Mustard yellow on my own sandwich, for Mustard Yellow to fade to Pale Gray. Soemtimes it still brings a drop of Red, but msotly it’s gray. And I’m grateful.
Last friday’s flowers were deep lavender-pink. Sending you the same.
Love it! This post is helping me think of proxies in a whole new light.
Today I was burnt orange until I found what I needed today. And burnt orange isn’t fun, but it’s a lot better than cyber yellow! Right now I’m feeling a nice pattern of Turkish rose and Twilight Lavender. My favorite so far is Zomp! I’m in love with the color, the name, and the feeling that it brings up.
I’ll be saving the list to use for when I’m in the middle of my Kaleidoscope of Stuff.
When I was a kid I collected paint samples. I loved going to the hardware store on Saturdays with my dad because then I could add to my collection. loved them for their creative names as well as the many shades of colors. Still have them in a nice metal box and now I know what to do with them! Pulled one out to use as an oracle and got Moss Rock!
Don’t know why WordPress insists on showing a photo of Pepe, my daughter’s Chihuahua, instead of me but he is possibly more famous than me since he’s the star of a series of humorous mystery novels published by Kensington. The first one is called Dial C for Chihuahua.
I am pondering the possible ripples between Tangerine and Koi. How to wear a Turbulence-colored
harnessbrace(lets) in tandem with my Mykonos Blue gown. How to quick-change into my Carafe kit as needed.Hurrah for progress! Commiserations for the going-on-ness and much-ness of Alabama Crimson. And bouquets of hope and gwishing.
Oh, yes. Thank you for the colors. What a great new tool! (Everyone, please feel free to translate the “t” word.) I think I’m usually transparent. My crew of Former Monsters thank you too, because they can pick out their colors.
I didn’t keep the hardware store paint samples, but I still wander that aisle, even though I’m not going to paint anything.
Rally X is now a “Holistic Retirement Planning Seminar” with Havi Brooks in Portland, OR in August, 2004. That will look good on my vacation request.
Here’s a lush Old Dutch Master flower arrangements for you, Havi.
Settling down to rest in a sea of seashell, pink pearl and moonstone blue. Ahhhhh. I needed this.
When I wake tomorrow morning, I’ll see which colors want to play in my force field.
I’m happy to hear about the cheese shop!
LOVE this. Love this Époisses much.
Wow! I was just dealing with “not sure if I’m allowed to want all these things.” I thought I was long done with this, so I felt quite crimson and delft gray-blue about it. I will try more colors! Even though I only have the small box of Crayolas, I can make up my own — for coloring monsters or whatever.
Thank you. Also, I’m learning lots of new words here, you guys. Fun!
LOVE LOVE LOVE this. Must find old LL bean catalog in the recycling bin to find the right color. Perhaps…ocean on a cloudy fall day in Jersey blue-gray?
Thank you as ever Havi!
I feel rather Gray Marshmallow right now. Maybe a bit Soggy Sanguine too.