Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 407th week in a row we are chickening here together!
What’s been working?
OTAAT! Aka One Thing At A Time.
And focusing on being really present with that one thing. Pausing to breathe. One breath. Next breath. Yes.
Remembering that I can stop worrying about the other things because of how fractal flowers work — whatever I am doing right now is secretly helping all the other projects under the surface, phew!
I might try…
Asking solutions to show themselves to me, and then getting really quiet so that I can notice when that happens. Instead of being like, “oh crap all these problems need me to solve them” and then making the logic computer work overtime, when that isn’t even where the answers need to come from.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of A New Story, and here were the days:
Immerse in good. Find the light. Like a flower. Trust life! I’m the best in my field. To The Treehouse. Doors opening (to let light in).
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Crying: What If You Decide It’s A Car Wash For Your Face!
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- I cried a lot about my mother this week. Amazing what can set this off, the words crewel embroidery, someone wearing narrow stripes (she hated that, it hurt her eyes), a piece of jewelry, a turn of phrase. I do not even know how people who were actually close to their no-longer-alive mothers handle the agonizing week around mother’s day when everyone is talking about mothers. A breath.
- Three and a half months since the last visit with the faraway beautiful boy, it was going to be one month but [illusory plans are illusory]. He came to town but immediately had to rush off to a high-priority work project for two days because he still has not figured out how to prioritize things like love, wild joy sparks, or sweet transcendent moments of oh wow what is this intense energy thing happening here. Anyway, people vary, and that is something that just is, and sometimes I am able to not have hurt feelings about this. But mainly I just felt aching and vulnerable and raw about all of this, and we made plans for him to swing by on his way through town to steal five minutes together. I was working out and came to meet him in the parking lot, and was so ready to just ENJOY these five minutes of being in the same space and breathing the same air: long slow smiles and long slow almost-kisses. But instead I burst into tears and cried off all my makeup while he handed me napkins from the glove compartment and watched me unravel and kissed my hand, probably since the rest of me was covered in snot and streaky eyeliner. A breath for me.
- While standing on the toilet and painting the ceiling, stepped backwards and kicked over a can of primer, which flooded the floor and splashed up onto onto every part of the bathroom except the ones that needed paint. The sink, the vanity, the cabinets. I basically live in a rom com. It’s 95% com. But cue all my internal monsters about how I am clumsy and unaware and will never move with grace and I ruin everything and cannot function in the world of things, etc. A breath for meeting myself with love.
- Accumulated exhaustion does interesting things. In addition to Sobbing in a Subaru (the alternate title of my biopic), there were other moments where I got overloaded and overwhelmed by what seemed like not very much. Being tired makes all the wrong cups full, and then the tiniest addition of stress leads to it all overflowing. A breath for deep rest.
- A misunderstanding/miscommunication with someone I love. A breath for wanting to be seen, heard, understood, received with love.
- Not putting agreed-upon-things into a contract turned out to be very expensive this week, and this brought up memories of similar frustrating situations, and then the Big Shame kicked in about how have I not learned this lesson yet. A breath for remembering that this not about how I am terrible at life, this is about the opportunity for Do-Overs and the quality of Sovereignty.
- Something I hadn’t considered while being temporarily marvelously blasé about the construction project being eight weeks “behind” schedule, is that so is everything else. May was going to be my writing month and instead it is a spilling paint everywhere month, and monsters about this as well. A breath of comfort, and for remembering that There Is Time and Nothing Is Wrong.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I had been feeling so down about how my painting project is going to take a hundred million weekends (approximately, according to monster calculations) and will never be done and I am so bad at it and have no friends! And then my former housemate took an entire day off work just to help me paint, and we just cruised through it. Only two and a half walls left! Amazing. A breath for feeling so very loved and supported.
- The faraway beautiful boy and I ran away for three nights to stay in a tree house and watch the river and drink wine and smile at each other. A breath for how happy I am right now.
- I am having so many good ideas! A breath of joy.
- A thing that was impossible to imagine and seemed far off and far away now seems doable. I think I see a glimmer of a way to have a (temporary) good home for me, and maybe something even better down the line. Need to sleep on it, but ideas are brewing. A breath for new beginnings.
- My monsters who think I’m Failing Spectacularly at passing as a functioning adult had to back down this week when it became clear that actually I am a free spirit having wild adventures, which is what I’ve always wanted, so how about we redefine what it means to be a functioning adult! A breath for new stories, and calling bullshit.
- Things take as long as they take, and I am okay with that, and this still feels new and exiting. A breath of appreciation and play.
- Surprise good news. A breath of big wild joy.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of friends who keep the guest room made up for me just in case, having the just right dress, a dog who decided we should be best friends, big gratitude for small things, sitting on a tree-porch watching the water with a heart full of love. So much treasure. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for power of appreciating all the good in my life, and I received this!
Powers I want.
The superpower of trusting life.
The Salve of Trusting Life mixed with Big Wild Joy.
This is a salve of pink and purple sunsets, of moving the way a child does (with curiosity and fearlessness and awe), and big buddha belly laughter about the absurd beauty of life.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes from experiencing something as being the absolute last straw (now I can’t remember what it was, of course) while being a sloppy typist. The album title is from Chloe and Claire in Australia, who had non-metaphorical pancakes together without me, which is okay because one day I shall join them. Here’s the band!
The Lady Straw
Their latest album is Literal Pancakes, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
You know, the hard stuff and all that 🙂
– overhwelm and fear about big exams coming up
– feeling like i can never catch up with where i should be re: big exams
– exhaustion and cansancio and tiredness
– will miss the fur babies tonight and tomorrow while they are at the sitters
– getting home late (for me) every night
– freakout at the concept that i might need to take said big scary exams a week earlier if no other laptops make themselves available to our department.
– got called out on not meeting with other professors (which is due largely to the overwhelm and not being able to do things as quickly as i would like)
– must things really take this long
the good and the wonderful and the nice
+ the sun is out and i can bike to school and (when i remember that i can) i go outside and work there
+ husband thing taking care of me and packing lunch
+ i rediscovered 750 words two weeks ago and somehow that morning journaling is making all the difference
+ my stone skipping cards and results from stone skipping cards and another book about journaling too
+ finished prepping stuff for one area of big crazy exams and almost finished another
+ proposal is officially ready to turn in
+ re-discovery of coffee as a substance that promotes focus.
+ furry cuddles and good long nights of sleep.
Happy Friday and Cluck!
what worked this week: Asking what I need Right Now. Thinking about next steps. Early bedtime. Going back to the list
What sucked:
-omg Mother’s Day. the giant gaping chest wound of my mom’s death, which happened just weeks before Mother’s Day. Missing my mom, can’t talk about it with my dad or sister because her death was more traumatic for them than me (they were right there next to her when she died). Can’t discuss it with my kids, because they get too sad. Can’t discuss it with my husband because he shrugs and says something stupid and asinine and hurtful.
-omg Mother’s Day. The 9 year old screaming at me because I refuses to wait in bed for the breakfast she was going to cook with my husband (who didn’t want to help her). Having to go get brunch for the family. Feeling low level sick. Having to go to ritual and NOT feeling it. Having to hurry back to order dinner for everyone. Watched my husband leave the house, thinking he’s off to buy me flowers…nope, just the liquor store to buy his own booze. “I don’t get flowers. I don’t like them, and I’m just not going to buy you any, ever, not today or any day. Oh man are you CRYING? FUCK! That’s right, I’m the bad guy.” The constant tobacco smoke. Sitting here in the tobacco smoke, while he insists on watching violent TV. If I leave the room, he gets pissy at me about being so bossy and fussy that I can’t tolerate cigarette smoke in my face while I eat. No gifts for me at all.
-migraines
-the lack of progress on so many things
-the shame and frustration of my substance abuse and all the things that come with it, most espcieally how chaotic and dysfunctional things feel when nothing is fractalling.
-my heart’s desire is to be the most pweorful witch I can be. it always has been. so far from this. so NOT a powerful witch that other witches assume I’m new in the game (I’ve been formally practicing for over 25 years), still intraining (nope), etc. Watching younger folks get book contracts and students and etc etc, because they get more support.
– I need to take control of evening time and make better use of it, between feeding kids and myself, and bed time, etc, there is time for me but: I can’t be in common areas because TV (toxic, loud, often violent and misogynist, if husband is there, add tobacco), I can’t go to my room because the husband will scold for not hanging with him. Having to wait til everyone is asleep before I can claim space. Which is awesome, since 9:45PM is the BEST TIME to get started on my creative projects. SEEETHE.
-constant interruptions to fetch soda, booze, ice, food, change the channel, find or fix a thing–no matter what I am doing
-despite a numbr of house meetings in which I said, if I have to wait on you 4 hand and foot, I’m going to quit my job, and you all will have to replace X thousands of dollars in the budget. I am nopt going to pour my entire income into the budget, and every waking moment into caring for able bodied adults, near-adults and not-babies who just “like it so much better when you take care things.”
then some sparkle:
-making my own well-tending a priority. this often involves telling my children or husabdn to “go pound sand” which really has its own charm
-realizing that sometimes, no one is compelling me to work to my detriment but me, and then just stopping with that
-hot baths with Batherapy. bliss
-blooming! the trees, the apple and pear and crabapples! daffodils, tulips, hyacinths. grapehyacinths, forsythia. The beginning of phlox and foget-me-nots
-we have several dead trees in the backyard and now we have a pair of woodpeckers living and about to have babies in the tree! We also have another smaller pair of dif woodpeckers.
-getting a new kitten tomorrow
-I took a chance and asked to join the Convent of Awesome Babes. fingers crossed
-due to all the frustration and noise of last week, I was able to just flip out and throw away all the things that don’t help. as a result I can now hear Guidance much better, and being dishgusted with everything means I am less resistant to making good changes
-I did not listen to the monster chorus, though thye were loud and working thru the American Songbook of How Leni Has Failed
-White Flowers! I was sober yesterday anmd it was…kind of amazing. I liked it. I want more
-going on retreat next week, thank Gawd.
-realizing that things are much better than I think.
-Operation All Tabs Open has been fun, lots of creative play
-Operation Scarlet Fevre is off to a slow but steady start, which included a calendar, a plan for the Slow Motion Montage, and step goals. Also happy to have actually gotten started on it
Sending you virtual flowers and wishes for many more sober days, as well as space that nurtures you.
thank you!
{{{Leni}}} 🙂
thank you!
**hugs**
thanks!
Hello, chicken.
What worked?
Beginning my day with things that are pleasant. It’s all that git me through this week.
Next time I might…
Add even more buffer. And then some more for good measure.
The hard:
– Every single day I’ve added free time to my calendar, and every single time this free, restful time got crushed by tasks that took longer than anticipated and pressing priorities. I literally haven’t had the time to sit down and chill until 9 PM.
– Got into a screaming match with X. I’m not proud of that. I don’t know how to deal with it, and how this will affect the next project we’re doing.
– More opportunities to say firm NO to. More explaining why it’s a no for me.
– Had to do everything last minute because the person that was supposed to help me didn’t realize part of the helping is doing things on time, otherwise it’s not much of a help at all.
– Got triggered by a podcast on depression when they said that depressed people often get support by people around them, because that sure as hell didn’t happen with me. Me from then is so not over this. So much sadness left over from multiple Thens.
– Being tired makes me cranky and irritable.
– Rain all week. This spring is no spring at all. I’m wearing sweaters all the time.
The good:
+ Starting my day with a personal creative project, yay! Made so much more progress in just an hour a day than I thought I would.
+ Stated my no with grace, and the other person understood.
+ Set firm boundaries even though the other person didn’t understand. Not my circus.
+ Connected to several lovely creative people this week. Accepting that some of the strangers may in fact be friends I haven’t met yet.
+ Tonight I’ve had an opportunity to practice presence in a crowded space and I’ve succeeded on several occasions. It was fleeting, but it’s practice.
+ I’ve gotten inspired to write something, and then it turned into an entirely different thing. Writing it brought tears, and I knew it was real – this was what wanted to be written.
+ Despite working all day long, I took good care of myself by going to bed early and taking breaks. Small steps.
Superpower I’ve had this week: Not Budging.
Superpower I’d like: Eyes On The Shining Beacon, Luscious Leisure
“depressed people often get support by people around them”
WTF???? LOL NO.
Not that no one gets support while depressed, but the precise point about depression is that it, through various sneaky and nefarious mechanisms, cuts you off from sources of support that you might, in a non-depletion state, be able to access. Plus my own experience and the experiences of everyone I know who has actually been through depression is that we don’t get nearly enough of the rIght kind of support at the right time. Nope nope nope.
I am so sorry you felt triggered. But you are not alone, and should not have to feel bad about that!!
Ugh agreed. Even if there IS support (which there isn’t or enough), that doesn’t mean you can see it, feel it or trust it.
Thank you, Simone <3
I agree. The host and his podcast guest had some examples of supporting others, and there was talk in how in small communities in older societies, people *had to* support each other, because every single community member was necessary for the entire village to thrive.
Unfortunately, people in our modern society have forgotten that. I'm sure they didn't mean to devalue anyone's experience, and the show was actually very good. (it's called the Here We Are podcast if you want to look it up) Just that sentence and that moment were… Ugh.
{{{Nela}}}
Thank you, {{{Karen}}}
I am having some difficulty telling the difference between my hard stuff and my good stuff at the moment! I have a feeling that the salve will help. Thank you, Havi.
What’s working? Slowing down a bit, when in doubt, just as a helpful default. Savoring favorite fragrances.
Next time, I might…compose myself. (Hello, helpful and mysterious clue!)
Ah, I feel better now. I am lighting my candle, and sending love. <3
{{{Kathleen}}}
{{{Karen}}}
<3 <3 <3
A hand on heart sigh for those hards, Havi. So much resonating.
The Hard:
My parents are alive. And so I do not know what it is like to have dead parents. And I cannot know until I have them so there is no way to prepare. Except I suppose to visit more. Say more. Hear more. But they don’t email me either. I do not know if heart treasuring is enough.
Other people’s mothers. I keep visiting them for work. And I realize that they are only difficult for their own children. As people, they are tiny and lovely and dear. And dying.
Plans (illusory of course) with a friend who got sick. And so I was in limbo for a bit and now staying home. This is what happens when I [do the thing I thought i was going to stop doing.]
The face thing. What is wrong with it. No one knows yet.
Generalized blues. Which are okay because they come and go now. I remember when they came and didn’t leave. I only sometimes miss when everything was just dull and gray and nothing mattered.
The Good:
I put off reading comments from a writing group mate thinking they would bother me. Instead they were so sweet and lovely and encouraging.
Writing. Even when I think there is nothing to say. There always is.
A night at home to flip upside down.
{{{{seagirl}}}
Hello, Friday. What an absolutely amazing thing it is to be alive.
Even with the hard, frustrating, and disappointing things, such as:
1. finding out that my sweetie’s surgeon chaired a major gathering for a group I despise. The affiliation isn’t really a surprise, but I’m nonetheless feeling unhappy about it.
2. sports figures and other celebrities I want to like behaving badly.
3. not yet having the skills/experience for several situations that came up at yesterday’s contra dance.
4. feeling envious of people dancing with expert and/or longtime partners, especially during the waltzes.
5. my schedule after I get home is looking like an epic clusterknot.
6. looking more haggard than hot in recent snapshots.
7. Past Me has some unclassy/uncouth/inconsiderate behavior of her own that eats at me.
8. Recognizing that I need to spend much more time on [p] to make it happen, but Monsters of Your Friendships Don’t Last Because You Put Career/Results Ahead of Them are having a mud-and-blood-bath jamboree right in the path.
But both heaven and earth have answers for the monsters:
1. I ferried my honorary mama to her niece this week and they both have been spoiling me beyond reason, with barbecue and champagne and othe treats.
2. Honorary big brother, whom I met thirty years ago, shipped glasses to me for my birthday.
3. The contra dance contained many moments of sheer glee, in my partners’ faces as well in mine.
4. Realizing that a market was not right for me before I waded too far into producing work for it.
5. Splurging on a pair of earrings by a local artist –> rewarded by delight of store proprietors, who had brought in the work just that morning.
6. My instincts are ahead of me — I packed an extra dress and passably formal top because I wanted to have options, and lo, there are Saturday and Monday gatherings I didn’t know about until maybe a hundred miles into the road trip.
7. There will be time after [p] for dance and music lessons and the other itches I need to ignore for the time being.
8. A pendant belonging to a late aunt being complimented at a gas stop. Wearing one of her bracelets, too.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
{{{mechaieh}}}
{{{Karen J}}} !!!
@Havi, impressed you were doing your own painting! Totally sympathize about the spill, but wow you were still doing it yourself! Yay, you!
*****
Chicken, my dear, this week some weird stuff happened:
Hard and otherwise discomfiting:
– 3 days of high fever (no other known symptoms) at home last weekend, followed by two days (one still with high fever) in the ER and then the hospital as an “outpatient in observation.” Released two days ago. More fever that night but now seems to be over. Do we know the cause yet? We do not.
– One suspect cause showed up as a huge (5″x 2″) meat-red Blotch of Doom across the crease behind my left knee. I have reason to believe I had this the prior weekend. However, neither I nor anyone in the hospital actually thought to do a full-body skin check. I discovered it only by accident myself while still in the hospital. Since a rash from Lyme’s Disease is one of several possibilities we are now considering, and Lyme’s is endemic around here, and it is Spring and the little ticks are looking for meals, this seems a serious oversight.
– While I was in the hospital my painting contractors showed up at my house and started work on the job, trying to be helpful and to juggle schedules around all the rainstorms. Evidence of sloppiness is visible. But mainly, I never authorized them to do work without me being there!! Hence, certain things were done that I could have had them fix right away. Plus they wouldn’t have stepped on some of my flowers. The job manager and I actually talked on the phone while I was in the hospital, before they started this voluntarily “helpful” approach without asking or telling me.
– Because of the hospital stay, I missed the nurse pinning ceremony and graduation of my cousin’s youngest daughter. Bummer.
The good and otherwise fantastical:
– Got in to see my dermatologist today as a walk-in. She took a skin sample of the Blotch of Doom and sent it off for rush analysis. I go back Tuesday for results and followup.
– Fever seems to be over.
– During the ER visit, I was deemed a stroke risk as I reported the fever had got high enough to make an email (to the graduating nurse about missing her ceremonies) pretty incoherent. Plus I had scraped the curb with my tires a couple of times on the way over. They whisked me right through to triage and then evaluation. Even though the ER wasn’t really busy, it was quite impressive.
– Saw an old friend at the hospital, just by accident.
– Good advice from my nurse cousins about when to go to ER, what to think of the strange blood results, and whether to take the prescribed medicine.
– Got to do a little more weeding today. Some patches of weeds are gone! Much easier doing this after all the rain.
– Painters due back Monday (no rain expected) and say they will correct any errors.
Things I learned, or was reminded of, this week:
– Effects of too high fever are like those of too much alcohol and too little sleep. Drive accordingly or call a taxi.
– Do not go to ER assuming you will get to come home. You might and you might not. Have a necessity bag you can throw in the car with things like dental floss, your own toothbrush, your own brand of deodorant, cell phone charger!!!, changes of underwear!!!
– Always remind your contractor, when talking about performance dates, that you don’t mean them to be there when you are not.
– Aging bodies do things they didn’t used to, and don’t do things as well that used to be simple/easy. You do not go from “fine” to “decrepit,” so it can be hard to notice this stuff til it catches you. No point in getting upset about this, just watch for it.
{{{Sue}}}
<3 <3 <3 <3
Hallo chickeneers
The hard
+ Silent retreating on details but a painful pattern related to sleep difficulty. This always passes, I think, but it’s hard hard hard and makes everything else harder and agitates my monsters.
+ Due to that, I’ve felt like a zombie for about three whole days.
+ Today I had this random bout of achy, foggy, solar plexus pain about the [thing that got reconfigured]. Interesting because I thought I was really very much over it, but alas, these things come in waves. Thank goodness for the healing that I HAVE experienced so far, which has been tremendous and blessing-ful, but it’s not over yet. A breath.
+ Above was likely triggered by finding a nail file still in its DM package, and a face mask thing branded HEMA, and just missing and aching about Europe and how far away that feels for me right now and how difficult to disentangle so many memories of love and belonging and joyous discovery from the pain of reconfiguration-loss. Right now it feels impossible but I know that this is a monster story. Knowing that doesn’t make it a lot less painful though.
+ Ever since I got here a month ago, there have been times when I wanted to scream my head off. I got some of that this week. A breath.
+ Extremely sensitive to noise, other-people-company, small talk, environmental toxins (of the energetic variety.) This means I am alone most of the time, and while I create conditions of aloneness deliberately due to said sensitivities, it doesn’t mean I also don’t feel deprived of connection. A breath for that
The good
+ So much learning of new important FUN things. Learning is my most favorite thing in the world, and I had many moments of extreme joy because of it this week.
+ Slapped together the first iteration of the thing I really wanted to build. It now exists in the world, and while it needs to go through about 56323993 more iterations, it is a known truth that the 1st iteration is infinity times better than non-existence.
+ “Doing something badly is exactly what doing it well looks like” <– this epiphany landed and I rejoiced. Related to ongoing ideas I'm unearthing about what it means to learn and "fail" and flail. Kinda like the dance of spirals where, if you're doing it "well," you're sort of missing the point. So much permission and freedom there.
+ I was so focused and made marvelous progress on lots of important things this week. Feels amazing to be in the FLOW.
+ I re-entered the Twitter world and had monsters about it, but so far it's been pleasurable being at the bar and chatting up smart, kind people. Yay.
+ Being marvelously supported.
+ Long, almost daily chats full of sparks and sparkles with Agent H. Grateful.
+ So much more clarity and sovereignty than the average bear about my desires, preferences and expressions of how I want to be in the world. Credited to years of self-fluency practice, and also the fact that my life doesn't really stop throwing video games my way so that I have the opportunity to shed every last layer of bullshit and unsovereign crap that I didn't know I was holding onto. CLARITY IS THE BEST.
+ I trust this moment so goddamn much, and it is wonderful to be able to trust.
{{{Simone}}}
“Doing something badly is exactly what doing it well looks like”
I love this so much. And “if you’re doing it right, you’re sort of missing the point”. I need to remind myself this all the time.
<3 <3 <3
{{{Kathleen}}}
~ for being up at 3am 😉
I wasn’t really! It was about 10am British summer time.
But hugs are good 🙂 {{{Karen}}}
Cluck cluck cluck. Sunday morning chicken check in.
Hard things…
* I read the Maddaddam trilogy by Margaret Atwood and Freedom by Jonathon Franzen. And there was a lot of great and amazing things about these books, obviously these are brilliant writers in many ways. Still, my overall reaction to both was ‘hmmmmmm, yeah I guess, hhhmmmmm, maybe’. Like, *no wonder* I don’t read fiction nowadays if I’m not even pleasured by ATWOOD and FRANZEN. Maybe Ms Atwood was just off her game (times 3 though??). Or is getting old and losing it a bit? That idea makes me very sad. I think Mr Franzen is just a boring old misogynist though. Which is a shame because he is a great writer. UGHHHGGHHH. A breath for exquisite taste!
* Two big (for me) projects with concurrent deadlines. I nailed both but not in the slow and steady way that is kind to my body given the circumstances of my life. A breath for payback…..
* The schedule that The World imposes and me being me as I am right now. A breath for misalignments.
* Energy issues have not improved as much as I had hoped they might by now. That means either I forge ahead with the Difficult At The Best Of Times Project knowing the effort required will be great (I don’t feel confident). Or I find some other source of support which will make it easier to commence the Difficult Project (like what? I have no idea). A breath for disappointment.
* Kids are hard work. For me. ‘Homemaking’ is hard work for me too. I know it’s an opportunity to upskill my non-superpowers. I still don’t like it. A breath for reducing the lag at the back when I’d rather be stretching from the front. Caterpillaring.
Good things…
* nailed two big (for me) projects. A breath for pride.
* my house is (shockingly) tidy, in all but a few spaces. I like things this way!! A breath for pleasure!
* I have a guest suite which I want to be used as an artist’s retreat. And it was this week! I love that. A breath for using my superpowers.
* while energy hasn’t improved that much overall, I’m getting sleepy earlier in the evening so sleeping more overall, and also not having visions of horror wake me up just before I drop off anymore. I think I’m slightly less reactive and more patient. A breath for acknowledging and celebrating what HAS happened.
* executive function skills are *skills*, skills are like muscles, you can learn how to use them and they get in better condition with use. A breath for a path forward.
That’ll do.
xxxxx
Hi Claire
<3
Agree with you about Franzen (blehghghghghhh) and Atwood.
It's hard having amazing taste.
BLOWING KISSES.
Re: Franzen, I never felt more like a writer is so, so impressed with himself. I had such a hard time getting through the first few pages. NO IDEA why he’s such a critical darling. Oh right he’s a misogynistic white dude, that tends to help.
“A breath for exquisite taste!”
mmm! yes this!
<3
notes on Wild.
“When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free”
-Wendell Berry
<3 <3 <3 ! Thank you!
@Havi, thanks for the updated favorite posts thing 😀
Also… how did i not see the “iguana transformation into unicorns before”?