As we discovered last month, I am not so good with the goodbyes. Even though I adore entering things and saying hello.
Last month I was able to exit the month by passaging out of it. No goodbyes. Just sweet farewells.
So let’s try that again.
A loving look back at everything August turned out to be , so that I can enter September with a full heart.
Okay, August. Let us look at you and remember. Show me what I am done with and what I need to take with me. What I get to take with me.
August, oh August. Things I loved about August.
August was a month of neverending playdates. August was new forms of play and new configurations. August was coming home to understanding that I am someone who knows how to play .
August was sun.
Even more than that, August was me not hating the sun. Not getting triggered by the heat. Not hiding from it and not resenting it.
I got a tan. An actual tan. For the first time in years. I went to the beach every week and stared at the water for hours at a time.
Marisa was here, briefly, and we played and were in love with being together, and hopeful about all the hopeful things.
I worked through many, many layers of the unbelievable pain and grief of this past year. For the first time since oh, March, I wasn’t in the pain or as close to it, at least not to the same degree. More perspective, fewer tears.
Many fun people showed up in my life in August. Like Matt. And Jenny.
August was love. August was exploration and sweet meandering. August was receiving and giving and finding out what it’s like to be like this or to be like that. August was improvisation.
Things that were hard in August.
The awful piece of news that shook me and rattled me and undid all sorts of things.
(If you are feeling worried, please know this: I am healthy. I am safe. I am just really, really, really not liking this piece of news and still very much reeling from it.)
This piece of news reminded me of THEN, and brought up all kinds of THEN, and I have been wading through layers of THEN in my search to return to remembering why now is not then.
There are other things but that eclipsed them all.
Also I miss someone and I am tired of missing them.
But mainly just the fear and pain that came with this piece of news, and trying to figure out how I am going to react to it.
All the points! I win at August. Because…
I am awarding ridiculous amounts of sparklepoints. To myself! Because I can.
Specifically for:
- Going to bed early.
- Being with my body. Dance class every day. Yoga every day. Body body body. .
- Asking for help, as much as I could. Which was not very much because I am not good at this. But still. Asking. Some..
- Going back to the garden.
- New steps for Havi of the bells.
- Hanging in there.
- Saying what I want. Even when it’s terrifying.
- Using old skills from a long time ago that I didn’t want to ever use again. They still work, though. And I used them when I needed to.
- Writing.
- Spending lots of time in Stompopolis and in my Hypothalamus.
- Finding the good.
- Playing.
- Wishing.
- Staying true to the bigger vision.
- Not over-working.
- Finishing Plum Duff! It’s actually ready! This is a very big deal.
Things I want to remember and take with me from August.
Trust. Pleasure. Love. Delight. Wonder. Curiosity. Possibility. Comfort. Reassurance. Shelter. Faith — in the impossible and the unlikely.
Knowing that the bridges are inside of me.
Knowing that the thing I was most afraid of is not as bad as I’d thought it would be, and that I am tougher than I was when it happened THEN. Now is not then, now is not then, now is not then. This challenging month gets to be proof of that.
How August will help me passage.
I am entering September with focus and intention. With a readiness that comes from having been through the narrow places.
I am entering September with willingness.
I am keeping the strength and the flexibility, and letting whatever is done be done.
I am going into September with new strengths. With a steadiness and with a stronger flame. I believe this.
Next time there are lessons to learn, I’d rather not learn them like this. But strength: it’s here.
Stepping into the conduit.
I am taking everything I need with me.
I am releasing all the things that are done.
Fare thee well, August. Be a passage of love.
Play with me if you like.
If there is anything you want to say or remember about August, this is a secret fountain where you can whisper those things.
Or take a silent retreat. Or leave a flower or a stone.
We all have our stuff. We’re all figuring out our stuff. We make room for people by committing to not giving advice or telling people how they should feel.
This is a place for safe adventuring. We approach it with as much curiosity as we can muster, and a sort of loving non-dogmatic reverence.
*blows a kiss to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers, and anyone who made it through August*
Follow
PASSAGE OUT OF SUMMER
Summer was:
-sun glorious sun and bodies of water! (and so many weird different patches of different colors on my back from shirts and bathing suits and general ill-conceived sun protection efforts) and kayaking!
-our patio
-amazing weekends with friends (and relatives) visiting and visiting them
-the one-year anniversary of living together with my boyfriend
-another go-round with my Troubling Family Situation
-learning to make beans properly (sounds small, but is big!). moreover, reading AN EVERLASTING MEAL and seeing beyond my stuck perspective on food and cooking.
-having my first (one-guest) dinner party
-the being very stuck and then the getting VERY UNSTUCK. feeling like i am journeying again, instead of treading water. hearing myself for the first time in a long time.
-a tragic bereavement for my friend and for all of us who love her
-another friend’s long-hoped-for engagement and getting asked to be a (low-pressure) bridesmaid (yay!)
-BB cream. love it.
-finding The Best Indian Restaurant
-getting fired up for exercise and weight loss…and then losing the thread again
-red toenails for the first time ever?
-i finally decided to do something about my painful feet and legs. and it is happening!
-for once, not feeling depressed and left out of Memorial/Fourth/Labor Day plans and celebrations! having plans. experienced some real enough.
-getting an A in my summer class, no sweat! the related and more important point: turning in a not-late, not-anguished-over paper and getting an A for that, which i never thought was possible.
-learning to do “I” statements. seeing the way out of a long-held relationship pattern.
-getting a little bitty hint that Judaism is calling me. that my roots might want some investigating.
How this summer will help me passage:
I learned all these new things! I think of myself as stuck and remedial and slow and frustrated(/ing), but actually, there is a place in me where those progresses and new things live now. Even if I lose touch with them, I’ll be able to come back and find that place of capability and growth.
I feel like I got the message, quietly and repeatedly: build your house. And, finally, some clues about what the house might look like, after much blankness and void.
I feel like I got enough summer this year. I feel ready for fall. This hasn’t happened in ages. The summer delivered me right to the fall!
Happy passaging to all.
Softly closing the door to August behind me.
August was the Month of:
– Non-stop Epiphanies. Which was exhausting, but also amazing.
– Allowing doors to close so that others could open.
– Openings/openness.
– Learning to trust that when the gigantic realizations hit, they are true. I don’t need to wait and see if I was temporarily insane.
– Appreciating flexibility.
– Grieving, still.
xo
I am taking everything I need with me.
I am releasing all the things that are done.
*deep breath*
Yes. Yes. Yes.
—<–<—<3
Leaving August I’ve noticed:
zinnias are blooming like crazy
finches are stepping up to the zinnia buffet
we had a high of 80º in Detroit
rain last night, wonderful, wonderful rain
It’s still summer!! Summer hasn’t left yet,
and I haven’t left summer!
Things I loved About August
– our wedding!! It was so much fun. So much fun that I never would have said “I’m never getting married” if I knew how much fun it would be.
– our lawyer stuff is on its way.
– my family came to the monastery we live at and my mom did not freak out.
– i got what i asked for about our wedding, even people wearing rainbow outfits even though i had given up on arranging that to happen.
– getting better blog traffic. i guess people like what they are reading, yay.
Things that Were Hard About August
– the anticipation of the family arriving
– planning a BIG LIFE EVENT
– being the center of attention
– oh, the not-enough-money
– PMS. straightup. I never used to get it, why now?
September will be: Routine. Growing Roots. Watching the problems solve themsleves while i make little wishes and prayers.
August was change change change! Especially things I didn’t expect to change. Going backward to go forward, reclaiming pieces I’d left behind and discovering how they are different now. (Then, not now. Yes.)
Stepping into a September of new ideas and opportunity, maybe getting that pesky employment thing figured out. Fall #2 in Portland, and last year’s was glorious! Preparing and being open to the gifts of the universe.
Leaving the high temperatures of August behind with tomatoes and wild blackberries, moving gently into hazy red sunrises, figs and pumpkins.
Loving the figs.
Loving the early red-pink sun.
Loving the brisker evenings.
September is my birthday month, so filled with anticipation and delight.
Doors feel more like they’re of sliding glass, closing gradually closed than slamming hard shut.
Gentle progressions.
Love
August was a month of significant growth for me. I feel worlds apart from where I was in July in terms of finally pursuing my passion.
The Hard
– finally acknowledging how hard it is to deal with my husband’s new job being 8 hours away
– Letting myself cry
– Getting over worrying about looking stupid for wanting to change a monumental crisis
– Getting my 1st dreaded unsubscribe (Eek!) and working through how not to take it personally
The Amazing
– Finding out (from more than one person!) that I’ve already made a difference in their life
– Finally sharing my vision
– Finding the Fluent Self and The Art of Non-Conformity
– Learning how to meet my fear and no longer be paralyzed by it
– Accepting my calling to transform lives and being okay with not knowing exactly what that will look like
– Gratefulness. Energy. Love. Contentment.
– Accepting the liberating truth that I don’t have to live my life the way other people expect me to.
Oh, August. This year our relationship has been a bit strange. And that’s OK. Thank you for hanging in there with me.
You turned out to be such a direct connection from The Life I Had to The Life I Have Been Trying To Have For A Year. You weren’t a bridge, though, you were a tunnel. You were a bit seekrit, at times it became dark and scary, I had no windows to see where I was going or when I was about to come out. And that was disorienting. But I’m not mad at you for being a tunnel. It’s just what you ended up being.
Things that were hard about August:
-The heat and the sweatiness.
-Running all over the county for interviews and errands and unfun scavenger hunts.
-Serious job angst.
-Feeling lazy, inadequate, irresponsible.
-Dreading a phone conversation with Q. The call itself was fine, but the dreading.
-Feeling broke broke broke. And being just about as broke as I felt.
-I called Department X 2-3 times a week, every week for this entire month, to try to find out why my status is “pending”. I’ve left a message each time, and I’ve been called back ONCE. I went there in person once, spoke with someone on the phone there, and left another message. Thursday I finally was able to leave a message with a supervisor, which has not been returned yet. I have a huge amount of empathy for the employees of Department being very overworked, but I’m really starting to get pissed. No advice pls k thx.
Things that were good about August:
+All the stars! All the coloring in of spaces! All the good feelings that come along with these actvities! Faith, connection, happiness.
+My determination to have a victory this month, and how it worked out!
+Lots of great [silent retreat]
+Things clicking into place. I finally felt safe this month.
+Oh, and I fell in love! That was unexpected and scary and the best thing ever.
Things I want to take with me in the passage:
-Faith in life and in Mystery. Faith in myself.
-The realization, again again, that I don’t have control over things, and that this is how it should be.
-The reawakening of my creativity. Permission to try things. And this sense of deep deep knowing that came this month, the knowing that sez you ARE an artist. You ARE a writer, you ARE a dancer, you ARE a musician, you ARE a creative being.
-Patience
Until next time, August.
Huge, huge love. xxx