Announcement / if you want a copy of Emergency Calm Down Techniques

I have been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and that’s been helping me.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money at all to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

A renewed understanding

Something about dread

As always this time of year, I am working through my dread around American Thanksgiving, a holiday I don’t participate in but, for reasons that are not entirely clear to me, I also experience agonizing levels of loneliness and melancholy around the day, and really the entire week.

I guess the part that is mysterious to me is that even though on the one hand, this day is associated with despair and loneliness and isolation for me, reality remains that I don’t actually wish to be invited anywhere.

And, let’s be honest, even if I didn’t have to protect my fragile immune system, I still wouldn’t go anywhere.

So what do I want? And what’s missing?

A related inquiry: What am I upset about and how come it hurts so much…? Let’s investigate…

I know the kind of day I want and I am the only one who can make that happen for me

The truth is, I like eating exactly what appeals to me, at exactly the time I feel ready for it.

I appreciate not having to make small talk, I like not dreading arguments or intrusive questions.

Most of all, I enjoy knowing I don’t have to participate in any of the adjacent stress and nonsense around American Thanksgiving. And here I’m referring both to the history and backstory of the holiday, as well as the high tension levels present at most family gatherings.

And yet, there it is. The week of the holiday arrives and I am in a big mood, one that is composed of 90% loneliness and 10% if someone doesn’t hug me right now I will perish.

Which I guess is also loneliness, just a more specific flavor.

Last year

Last year my wonderful friend Michael kept me good company by text throughout the fall, as a sounding board for talking through menu plans for the ZFTK – the Zero Fucksgiving Test Kitchen.

Yes, I made up my own holiday, and yes, it has a test kitchen, because the joy of a feast day is trying new things.

Sometimes. At other times the joy of a feast day is having the exact usual thing.

Anyway, Michael died this year, and I miss him so fucking much. I want to talk to him about green chile stew, I want to talk to him about everything.

Last year, again

Last year, despite my six weeks or so of dreaming and strategizing recipes, which was a very fun process and kept my mind occupied, I ended up just having tater tots (because I was too depressed to cook), and that was okay actually.

More than okay. It was perfect.

Not the depression part, but the tater tots. It was the just-right answer to the day.

Michael was happy for me too, because I found something that worked, and sometimes that’s the thing that matters most.

Ah yes, the true meaning of the holiday

I realized that of course I had yet again forgotten the true meaning of No Fucksgiving, which is giving myself permission to not care too much.

That is to say, it is not actually about having the fanciest feast or the most feast-worthy feast, or the cleanest kitchen etc.

Even though yes, for sure, I do crave those things at some level, not only because of cultural stuff, but because I want the day to feel festive so that I feel less sad(?).

But none of that stuff matters. It is a holiday about DO LESS and PILE ON COMFORTS and get through it some way somehow. Find the small joys and do what is possible and attainable.

Use what is known / Start from what is known

This is a known day (for me) when I feel irritable, lonely, grumpy, isolated, sad, anxious and miserable, and having to make a feast day of it honestly just adds more shoulds.

And it turned out to be a good day for tater tots with spicy tahini sauce, and a fried egg.

That’s what worked last year, and now I need to find out what will work this year, given what is in my pantry and how much energy I have, and the many factors.

I said it and I meant it

As I wrote in my notes last year: “Fuck baking, fuck everything, this is a good day for eating vegan marshmallows out of the bag like god intended.”

It was also a good day for doing some cathartic screaming, and luckily I live alone in the middle of nowhere and can do that.

I like baking, so obviously I didn’t really mean what I said. And I love trying new recipes. But also, point taken. A hard day is a hard day, and you do what you can.

This is a known hard time, and sometimes the best way to tend to a known hard time is with known comfort rituals. Do less to get more. Add ease.

Or: add ease where you can.

Dancing in your underwear, if you want, for example

This is from the excellent Alexis Reliford, from last year:

”The best part of spending Thanksgiving alone is the freedom it gives me. There’s no need to meet others’ expectations or follow traditional norms. Or eat food prepared by others with questionable (or non-existent) cooking skills. I get to do exactly what I want. Even if that is eating multiple slices of pie while dancing around in my underwear.”

I agree with Alexis.

Your own version of that will look how it looks

There will be no eating pie in my underwear at my place if only because it’s way too cold here in late November to be wearing fewer than three to five layers at any given time, and also there won’t be pie.

But maybe chocolate banana bread for breakfast while wearing fleece-lined leggings? That sounds both reasonable and likely.

Trying times (both meanings)

I’ve been in the reeling times of heartbreak and despair, and have no appetite. It has been really hard to get myself to eat, but I’m trying, and I have an ongoing list of things that seem to work, so have mostly been sticking to those.

These are trying times, in the sense that they feel like one big test that I am at best muddling my way through, and also trying times in the sense of JUST TRY THINGS, and WHATEVER WORKS, and ANY PORT IN A STORM.

A time for trying. And trying can also mean experimenting.

Though it can also mean try the thing that worked last time, or do a little of the thing that helps, even if it only helps a little.

Not FOMO but something else

I was trying to explain to a friend who does not have any of these issues the way I tend to go into crisis mode around this holiday, and how my mood tanks and anxiety spikes, and I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to go spend the holiday with someone.

It’s like, I want to be on my own, in the sense of out on my own, doing my own thing, on the margins of the holiday, but also I want someone to come and visit and hug me and tell me that everything will be okay, and I don’t have anyone in that category.

He asked if it’s like FOMO, and I don’t think it is.

I don’t mind missing out on the celebrations and festivities, it’s just like a very time-specific enhanced sense of isolation and despair. I guess I want company out on the margins. Not sure if I can explain it better than that.

The monster chorus, again

The chorus of monsters in my head, who are very good at spinning theories of self-criticism, make what seem on the surface to be a very valid argument: this entire thing is childish and silly.

Their argument, to which I have no counter-argument, is that it is silly and embarrassing to not want to join in something and then feel lonely about that, and even sillier and more embarrassing to whine about it in public, which is what I’m doing here, according to them.

I guess my only counter is that what we practice here is Acknowledgment & Legitimacy, as well as paying attention to our relationship with time, and with the calendar, and if this is a hard time for me, then that’s my current reality.

And what can I do other than meet that current experience with compassion.

Meeting the current experience with compassion

It’s okay if I don’t know the reasons or don’t remember them or can’t name them, or can’t make sense of the mystery.

Here we are, in the week/month/season of The Big Loneliness, and we are trying things.

It’s a courageous heart that keeps trying.

SOS day, also multiple meanings

My phone, which was only barely functioning anyway, gave up on the way back from Michigan, and I got a miracle new phone, which I am very grateful for.

Lately there are days when it goes into SOS only mode. People say it must be trouble with the cell towers, but I have been on the same towers for nearly four years and never had even an hour of my phone being in SOS only mode, never mind entire days. And since I got the new phone, for about two days a week, I can’t use it for most of the day or at all.

I would research this if my phone was working. And if you have ideas please let me know — unless the idea is turning the phone off and turning it on again because I already tried that one for good luck. 😉

SOS days feel extra lonely, because I can’t text friends, and so these days do feel like a crying out for help that no one can hear.

Always good to have a list

I keep a list for these SOS times which is just anything I can do that helps me get through a day when I don’t have any connection with the outside world. It helps more often than it doesn’t.

There is a list of things that help on laundry day and a list of things that help when I go to the library.

And an SOS list for SOS days.

And a list of past rituals and recipes and experiments for Zero Fucksgiving, formerly known as Hermitsgiving.

Reviewing my notes from last year

One of my notes is just a reminder that it varies, some years I get through it okay and some years it is very This Too Shall Pass and kind of just passing time.

According to my notes from last year, the day of the holiday itself wasn’t too bad at all, but Wednesday night was agonizing and I had a huge breakdown.

Here’s what I know helps for me: jogging in my kitchen, writing about my feelings or skipping stones, remembering that there is always some treasure in a breakdown even though it never feels like it at the time.

Naming what is potentially good, useful, or reassuring about existing outside of the broader culture. Naming practices that I find supportive, and doing any of them.

Never a bad idea to have a solo dance party.

What wisdom is available from Slightly Wiser Me?

I consulted with the Cowboy of the Bunkhouse, the version of me who likes living alone and doing chores.

They like to clean the countertops and re-organize a drawer. They like a quiet day of puttering. They don’t even mind the wild winds or not knowing the temperature. They like to do a hair rinse with warm tea.

Me: Please advise, Cowboy of the Bunkhouse, I’m super anxious about this combination of loneliness, heartache, the worst time of the year, obviously all the political everything, give me some counsel.

Cowboy of the Bunkhouse: A nice thing about making a stew is it takes a few hours. It will heat up the trailer nicely, and it will smell delicious.

Remember that recipe for oven-roasted grapes that made you laugh out loud because it was written in such a fun tone? Roast some grapes. Just a handful. Take a picture of your festive table. Use the good placemats.

Your day, on your terms. It’s special, because you make things special. Shift the atmosphere. Hum a favorite song. Sing a sea shantey.

Yes, it is a bit like being alone on an island. Alone doesn’t mean stranded though even if it feels like it right now. List what you like about the island. Write a wish for next year.

Wishing the wishes

Feels like it’s time to bring back Very Personal Ads, and also the list of Things That Don’t Completely Suck, aka a very tentative gratitude practice that is not-forced, not a should, not an expectation, just a naming.

There are so many people I miss, and pain in my heart. And I know it is a wonder to have known so many special people who meant and mean so much to me.

Thank you, beautiful view. Thank you, time and space to write words and share them. Thank you, everyone who reads.

We can keep each other company too

If you also feel [feelings] this time of year, we can have a little long distance club of Hermitsgiving friends, making space for the feelings, holding community symbolically. We can write wishes for a better world, and a better culture, and light candles, whether real or imaginary.

We can focus on our own internal culture that holds the qualities we want to glow into the world. Will that help? I don’t know.

Like I said, it’s trying times out here, and are also a time for trying something, anything.

Love to you!

Let me add that if you love this holiday then I wish you a joyful festive celebration of only good things.

And if you are celebrating with difficult people or in difficult circumstances then I wish you strength and courage and good self-protection mechanisms.

And if you live outside of the United States and are sick of us talking about this holiday, that’s very relatable too. Waving from here.

Feeling lots of love and appreciation to everyone who reads. Thank you. A breath in my thank-you heart for you.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

You are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped or clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Between Long Covid and traumatic brain injury recovery, things are slow going.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️