Announcement / if you want a copy of Emergency Calm Down Techniques

I have been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and that’s been helping me.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money at all to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Talk pie-based freedom celebrations to me, and other wishes

Where we are at this week

Last time I talked about my complex feelings, and unclear or at least conflicting desires that come up around the time of American Thanksgiving, and holidays in general. (I want to be alone! I hate feeling lonely!)

Anyway, I did some processing and free-form journaling about how I can get all tangled up in my stuff about that this time of year, and tried to get a little more clarity on what I do want, and how to remain strong and clear and vibrant within the solitude that just is right now.

So this time, I wanted to do a little review (or a revue, if you prefer) of how last week went, what worked and what didn’t, what I’m learning from these ongoing experiments and maybe wish some new wishes.

What surprised me?

I did not fall apart on either American Thanksgiving or the Eve Of, the two known times when I can get just really messed up.

Instead, just to mix things up this year, I had my big falling apart Tuesday afternoon, and then basically all of Friday when I felt just bereft and overwhelmed with grief and loneliness, so that was unexpected and I guess interesting. Like, okay, it’s not a particularly fun mystery, but it’s a data point!

What worked!

Wednesday I did food prep and cleaning, and a friend who was also doing the holiday alone kept me company by phone, and that was really lovely.

I also downloaded a bunch of podcast episodes while I was at the library, and that was a very good call.

Thursday I did a four hour morning workout, then made green chile stew and roasted grapes in cinnamon, brown sugar, pomegranate vinegar and flaky salt (highly recommend), and had more phone time with my friend who was also in solo holiday mode.

In the afternoon, my friend Cate came to visit, and we went for a lovely hike on forest service land, so I got conversation and hugs and time with trees, all of which are very good for me, a person who lives alone in the middle of nowhere and doesn’t actually need more alone time.

What helped!

I was really astoundingly honest with people in my life about how I was doing on the hard days, which is just so scary and vulnerable, and, also, good to remember: people are kind and understanding about this stuff, because they also know what it’s like to struggle with losses of their own.

On Friday, when I was really struggling, a friend instructed me to go spend fifteen minutes outside wandering and to take photos of something beautiful for him, so I did and yes, it helped.

Other friends sent photos of their adorable dogs, blessings upon the cute dogs and their cute bellies.

People also confirmed for me that all the black Friday energy is really and truly overwhelming. And even though I don’t participate and wasn’t online, there is just a lot of ambient frantic energy in the world around this time, and if you like me are a sensitive flower who gets easily undone by stuff like that, that’s a factor too. Good to remember. Whoosh, goodbye, to that energy that is not mine.

Pie-Based Freedom Celebrations / Freedom-Based Pie Celebrations

I had an interesting conversation with Kristi about last week’s essay; she said she noticed that contemplating anything regarding freedom made her feel wistful, but also, as a pie-lover specifically, she found herself perking up at the idea of multiple slices of pie.

This is a good reminder to me. Often I take all my freedom for granted and forget to celebrate it. The fact that I have no one to celebrate holidays with and no external expectations of what food to make or when to eat it are all in fact forms of freedom regardless of how lonely I feel or do not. That is in fact worthy of celebrating.

Also I just love the idea of a pie-based freedom celebration, or a freedom-based pie celebration, or an anything-based dessert celebration. A feast of liberations.

Wouldn’t it be fun to just hide out and focus on pie. I love the PBFC. It needs a logo and a motto and a tiny personal pie fridge with a magnet on it:

FREEDOM in the PBFC!

What else is known? What else could be known

I am definitely going to need to do more journaling on freedom and finding my way into appreciation for the ways in which I am not bound by convention or by anything, by virtue of my solitude.

What else is known or could be known or discovered/revealed about this festival of freedom? Will this quality become easier to celebrate over time?

Let’s keep investigating the questions. Let’s skip some stones.

What is meaningful?

This week I reflected a lot on my connection with Michael, my wise, creative, loving, warm-hearted chef friend who died this past year, and how much I wanted his wisdom and guidance as I experimented with food this week and felt sad missing him.

Next year I’d like to make something specifically for him, use one of his recipes in my menu, maybe his salsa macha, maybe his green chile lemonade muffins.

Playfulness and Innovation

For me, Playfulness & Innovation are qualities that go together. It’s not just that they complement and enhance each other, although they do. It’s that I think they require each other if that makes sense.

Innovation is most fun and exciting and spark-filled when it feels playful. The playfulness brings a lightheartedness to the work of innovating.

And play on its own can sometimes get a bit lost. In the way that we can tend to stick to or repeat familiar things. But when you add innovation, play really soars.

I don’t know exactly how these qualities, on their own and in combination, are going to connect for me and spark new ideas, but they feel important right now so that’s why I’m bringing them up. Maybe it’s a clue for you too.

Something about: A sign that is not a sign

On my hike with Cate on forest service land, we kept seeing signs that had nothing on them, just blank pieces of wood. The high desert sun had wiped them clean.

I sent a picture of one to my friend Will, the wildlife biologist who works at a wildlife refuge in Washington State, and he laughed. He says that doesn’t happen in the Pacific Northwest; the signs rot before they can be worn blank.

The signs make me laugh. It’s a signpost but it has no instruction. “Hey, you”, it might be saying. “I am a sign.” Or maybe, “You might be going in the right direction, who can say?”

Will it?

I had leftovers this week so I practiced a lot of Will It Waffle and Will It Taco, two fun games to play in the kitchen, if you wish to channel the qualities of playful and/or innovative too…

First I added some homemade chile oil to instant mashed potatoes. I used to be skeptical of instant mashed potatoes, but since my experiences with TBI and Long Covid, I now welcome the availability of a good shortcut.

Do they waffle? They waffle like a charm. Spicy potato waffles make a fantastic breakfast, no notes.

I also waffled the chocolate cinnamon banana bread, and yes, it waffles!

Then I noticed that the green chile stew leftovers had solidified into a mass, so I fried them up, added more instant mashed potato mix and homemade vegan cheese, and turned it into a taco filling. Totally worked.

God I want to tell Michael about this. He would be so happy. But maybe you will be happy with me too.

AWTLAB

Every morning and evening I jog slow figure-eights in my kitchen, and I do this Alone With (my) Thoughts Like A Barbarian (AWTLAB), because I don’t have wifi or a way to distract myself.

But this week a friend pointed out that it’s not just AWTLAB, but: alone with thoughts LIKE A COURAGEOUS BARBARIAN.

I thought about this, about the courage of just letting thoughts move while I move, over this holiday.

Especially given that, as far as I can tell from my friends, everyone I know has been stuck scrolling for like three days straight because the vibes are so bad.

While I don’t have wifi, so am just AWTLAB at all times, but maybe that’s good actually? Not being around the bad vibes and just jogging it out twice a day could be a surprise benefit to being in the deep solitude in the woods.

Reconfiguring

I actually had holiday plans this year, with the person who angrily and suddenly disappeared from my life, and I think I might be glad that didn’t work out, even though it was scary to have no plan.

The holiday got reconfigured, my heart got reconfigured, I am reconfiguring my sense of time and space as I go through this excruciating heart-healing process, and it happened how it happened.

Spending time outdoors was good. Cooking was good. Call A Friend as a lifeline was good. Jogging in the dark with just the light of the space heater was good.

Some of it was deeply intensely miserable. A parade of sparklepoints to me for sticking it out.

The superpowers remain, the superpowers abide

I am calling on/in/up the superpowers that help:

Love, Courage, Strength, Miracles
Asking for Guidance
IT SOLVES ITSELF
A better version / Do-Overs Forever
Luckily, X
Come on in, simple elegant solutions
What if this can be easier than i think
Clear the decks / clear the path to clear the path
Most Courageous Self To The Front / What would my most courageous self do?
How can I make strategizing PLAYFUL & INNOVATIVE?
There is wisdom in the side quests! What if I trust the wisdom in the side quests?!*

*Thanks to Holly for reminding me that side quests hold wisdom!

Bon Courage! Allez! We can do it!

Let’s consult with my Most Courageous Self / more courageous me about what can be done, what can help, how to break down the list of scary steps….

What if 97% of this anxiety turns out to be unnecessary? What if we just let it float away?

Most Courageous Self:

You are tough and scrappy, you have been through way harder situations than this. You know what helps.

You are brave and you try things. You are brave and you let yourself want things. You want better for yourself and the world. This matters. Your bravery matters. Each time it gets easier.

The more you clear space, the more clarity you will have.
The more you use what you have, the more joy you will feel.
The more you get rid of things in your space that are done or [from then], the more harmonious you will feel.

One small step and then the next step. Keep it moving. Rename the steps. You know how to be playful and innovative, so do that.

Have a one minute dance party. Ask for guidance. Quiet your heart and listen. It sounds cheesy, and also: it works. When in doubt, add a splash of lemon juice.

Time for some Very Personal Ads

I have two very big iguanas (that is to say, stuck situations, or things I am scared to look at or deal with) that need to be liberated this month, and I am calling on all possible help, support and miracles for that process, because it is asking me to be braver than I like to be.

I am asking for FORWARD MOVEMENT on both of those, but also surprise support, bravery, focus, loving clarity, compassion for past-me, and for it to somehow solve itself more easily than I could have imagined.

Additionally still asking for simple elegant solutions, miracles, surprise ease, beautiful clarity on the following:

• A working shower, some way somehow, or access to someone else’s
• A simple, easy, creative and affordable solution to the ventilation mysteries in the tiny trailer
• Help installing heat tape on the kitchen pipes before the cold spell hits so I don’t have to go outside and fill water from a pump.
• A good solution to doing laundry so that it doesn’t take up such a disproportionate amount of my limited time and energy
• Can I find my enthusiasm and motivation again? Where did they go? Does that matter? Is there a way to be playful and innovative here too? Or is the answer to remain patient and trust the seeds and the fractal magic? Some combination of all of the above?
• Last week about five different super stuck things just wonderfully solved themselves, I would like more of this please.

What beautiful wishes / what supports these wishes

And: how can I best support these wishes?

I can keep moving, I can keep asking for help and support in the world, I can keep supporting the collective through positive effort and warm thoughts and sharing what I know, I can remember that I am creative, playful and innovative, and try to channel these qualities for my own well-being and for the benefit of the collective.

A solo dance party helps. Going outside helps. Playing WILL IT TACO with leftovers helps. Trust in the process is hard and not fun, and also: One foot in front of the next. One step at a time, one breath at a time. Keeping on.

Some mysteries just take time and faith. Others take small steps, and just keep it moving.

I am going to try to stay attuned to what is needed, and not make any assumptions.

Seeding the seeds with love, patience, intention, care, curiosity and [WILD CARD]

Sometimes with wishes, the important part is naming the wish.

And then just doing a lot of compassionate noticing. It is (or can be) vulnerable and scary to name a wish, to let ourselves want, to have a need and express it.

I am seeding the seed, and adding Love, Patience, Intention, Care, Curiosity and all the WILD CARD qualities, whatever will help. Releasing attachment to outcome, to the best of my ability.

Let’s tend to the seeds and tend to our own hearts, and see how things go. Maybe the next indicated step will be revealed, or maybe these need to percolate for a while. We’ll know when we know.

In the meantime, let’s do whatever helps, one fractal, powerful, symbolic step at a time.

What do I need?

Heart breaths. To tend to my own tenderness. To look outside and appreciate the sunlight dancing on the high desert grasses. To keep jogging in my kitchen ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS LIKE A BARBARIAN, to get me through this next month of Ever-Darker Ever-Earlier, and trust that the shift the other way is coming, as it always does.

Nothing is wrong. Lighting a candle for whatever helps, and so that we can remember that we are not alone. Love and appreciation to everyone who reads.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

You are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped or clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️