A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

The gap between noticing a reaction and being able to shift or adjust that reaction, aka Part Two…

Where were were last time?

Last week I wrote about a useful practice in self-fluency, the slow and ongoing process of recognizing when we get reactive.

Which also entails recognizing how we are reacting to whatever set that off, and then how we are reacting to our reaction, aka judging ourselves for our reaction (usually, often).

And then the next step becomes noticing where we might be able to lovingly interrupt those patterns, or noticing where in that pattern is some room for play, so that we can meet ourselves with some sweetness as we do this work…

A practice of generosity

Mainly of course this process is about learning about being generous with ourselves as we do this.

In other words, adding in compassion where we can, making space for the experience and the discomfort and whatever feelings arise as we get more practiced in this work of witnessing ourselves going through life.

Which is a huge topic, maybe even the biggest topic.

Maybe even the biggest topic

I didn’t get to many of the points I wanted to cover, and then people brought up their own thoughtful and wise noticings in the comments, so I thought this week we could try to touch on those points as a follow-up…

And then this week, I got massively activated in an interaction with someone and was given a good chance to really observe/feel/experience this whole messy process in action, so maybe next time I will tell you about that, and how that went.

Let’s play!

When awareness of the reaction is not enough to change the reaction

(And this is usually going to be the case!)

This lovely comment from Patricia reminded me of just how hard it is or can be when we are working on this stuff:

thank you for this. today there was a big reaction and awareness that it was a reaction vs a response. and that awareness was not enough to change the reaction. that is hard. i feel freakish, misunderstood, isolated.

so i am immensely grateful for the reminder about acknowledgement and legitimacy. with heartfelt appreciation -o-

Yes, this is all so familiar to me too, and I’m sure also for anyone reading, this experience of having the flash of awareness, and it not being enough to shift anything in the moment, and then the perceptions or narratives that can flood our consciousness after experiencing that…

Taking a moment, and then another moment

So first of all, I just want to thank Patricia for sharing this relatable content (the most relatable content!), and to remind all of us that it really does take such a long time to move from that awareness to an actual shift in behavior, or something that feels more visible or palpable from the outside.

Sometimes we can feel so (legitimately! understandably!) frustrated about how we aren’t able to change the reaction yet, that we aren’t able to just take a moment to celebrate what a big deal it was to be able to even have that awareness in the moment.

Awareness is a win, and: it doesn’t always feel like one at all

The moment of extra awareness is a win, a big one, whether it feels like it or not, and whether we are able to remember that or not.

And: knowing that might not help us feel any better either, haha.

And then yes, we add Acknowledgment & Legitimacy to the entire process and the feelings that arise, including our own very reasonable frustration about not being able to react differently even though we wanted to.

Hashtag #RelatableContent

This is extremely relatable content, and I’m glad Patricia brought it up, because:

One of the most frustrating aspects of pattern-noticing is in fact that exact gap between being able to notice the sequence of events and emotions in our reaction pattern, and then being able to do anything at all about that reaction…

Yes? You’ve experienced that too, I assume.

Even though it’s true (and hopeful!) that noticing the pattern shifts the pattern, this doesn’t necessarily mean we are going to clock any immediate palpable changes. Quite often the way that noticing shifts the pattern is at first by extending the pattern.

In other words…

In other words, the way we are shifting the sequence or the location of the sequence-shift comes from adding on to the end of an existing pattern.

A sequence of events and reactions happened, and usually we jump in after to analyze. That’s great. We added on to the pattern, which is a form of changing the pattern.

However, you could also say that every moment of noticing the pattern is an addition to the pattern, which is also changing the formulation of the pattern, which is absolutely something to celebrate.

Creating little portholes of noticing!

From another perspective, we are also creating little doors or portholes of noticing in between the pattern-points.

Right? We observe something happen that sets us off.

Maybe we are also able to observe the tension in our body as this is happening or another physical reaction taking place.

Maybe we are able to watch ourselves as we [react reactively] in our predictable way and not how we would (ideally) like to respond in this situation.

Maybe we are even able to notice ourselves judging ourselves for this or feeling frustrated with ourselves for not being able to handle it more gracefully as we wish we could or think we should!

That is a ton of good noticing!

This is a ton of good noticing!

And, each time we are able to be in this noticing state alongside or immediately after our reactions, we are making space within the pattern for something new to emerge.

Has it emerged yet?

Not in any noticeable way from the outside maybe, but from the inside we are doing big and important work, and it matters. We are setting things up for the next time, and the time after that.

We are solidifying or strengthening the desired pattern of being loving Noticers or Witnesses, and as we do this, we make space for next time.

We are making space for next time

We carve out the place in the pattern for a future iteration of this experience, where we will be able to jump in with our Wise Selves to respond differently.

The pattern-shifting is in process, fluid, alive.

We are doing the work, even if it can feel frustrating that this work hasn’t seemed to bear fruit yet.

There is no one and done, that’s why it’s a process

This actually reminds me of dance, and how when you are learning to dance, you learn where to step on “the one”, aka the first beat of a bar of music.

Over time, as you train, you learn about all the different moments that exist leading up to The One, that first beat, as well as all the space that is inside that beat, and between it and the other next beat.

You learn how to fill that space with your body; how to use your feet and your breath and spine and your entire being to embody and accentuate that beat, and differentiate it.

Not only does this not happen the first time you learn about this concept, but it doesn’t happen most of the times you try to do it.

Learning how to get this understanding first into your mind and then to move it from your head into your body is an ongoing process…

So we notice, and we do more noticing, and this can feel exhausting

And also it’s great training.

We’d like to think that we could move evenly and seamlessly from “oh, I’m noticing how I’m reacting in a moment” to “and now I’m reacting differently”, and yet: hahahaha, no, it hasn’t happened yet, and that’s fine.

The noticing is still a big deal and it matters, it still supports the training and is part of the training.

We’re working on it, this is an ongoing process

So we meet the frustration with Acknowledgment & Legitimacy, and we meet ourselves with love when we can where we can, and we try to give ourselves more credit for the work of noticing.

While it’s true that we weren’t able to catch the reaction in time this time, we still created more space within the pattern, and that spaciousness is a real and meaningful shift. That spaciousness is what is going to allow us to react differently over time.

Right now we’re working on it.

(And we will still be working on it, and refining it, even when we are able to react differently.)

There is no done, there is a loving, ongoing process of improvement and refinement, and giving ourselves credit.

But what can I do to speed up this process????

Or, what can we do while we are patiently training?

I would like to offer a technique here that I find useful, and you might find helpful to experiment with. Like a dance drill, but for the mind.

This technique is specifically for meeting that frustration that arises when we aren’t able to visibly, palpably change the pattern even though we have been doing the work of noticing the pattern.

And the way I do this is by adding the words EVEN THOUGH to each of my noticings or observations, as they come up.

Por ejemplo

So if we use Patricia’s example as sort of a general setup that is familiar to all of us: an interaction or a situation happens, we can actively notice ourselves reacting reactively as opposed to responding in a more measured way, aka the way we wish we could respond.

And then there are feelings and narratives that wash over us in reaction to having experienced all of this in the body-mind.

Here are some ways I might apply EVEN THOUGH in this situation…

Using the EVEN THOUGH method…

This is me talking to myself in the aftermath of a moment like this:

Okay, even though I am feeling this big surge of feelings, judgment and recrimination over how I reacted, I am also giving myself credit for noticing the reaction as it happened, good job babe…

Even though I wish sincerely that I could have responded differently in the moment, the moment was the moment, and the river current that carried me through it was the most familiar neural pathway to take, and the work to build the new pathway takes time.

Even though I feel frustrated that noticing the pattern wasn’t enough (this time! yet!) to shift the pattern, I am reminding myself that actively noticing the pattern is in fact shifting some element of the pattern.

Even though this isn’t how I wanted to react…

Even though this isn’t how I wanted to react, I am remembering that next time and over time it will keep getting easier for me to jump into the new neural pathway that I am carving in my mind by having this conversation with myself, and being the observer who observes.

And we keep going…

Even though I am noticing myself feeling frustrated with myself and my reaction, can I make space for that legitimate frustration and also meet this situation with some degree of compassion, like I would for a beloved friend who was going through something like this?

Even though I am noticing a narrative come up that says that I am freakish, misunderstood, and isolated, is there some room for me to lovingly challenge or interrupt that narrative in any way?

Aka what’s true and what’s also true…!

How much of this story or perception is self-criticism monsters?

Even though I very legitimately and understandably don’t enjoy feeling these uncomfortable feelings that come from the perception or narrative of I am [Freakish, Misunderstood, Isolated], I am reminding myself that all feelings are legitimate, and some of the perceptions might be monster stories…

Even though I am feeling big feelings inside of this perception or narrative of F!M!I! (freakish! misunderstood! isolated!), I can remind myself of all the ways that I am not freakish, misunderstood or isolated…

Being a human having human interactions is hard!

Even though it is painful to go through an interaction and not be able to react differently, I can appreciate that being a human having human interactions is hard.

We are brave for even trying to notice, learn about and shift our internal patterns never mind to play with how they might echo out into interpersonal interactions!

People aren’t trained at this! Most people we are interacting with most of the time aren’t even necessarily thinking about practicing noticing their own patterns at all, never mind doing it.

The worthy practice

Even though this work can feel lonely and challenging, it is a worthy practice to keep adding compassion to our relationship with ourselves for its own sake, and also so that eventually we can have more fulfilling interactions with other people.

Or meet ourselves with love, patience and understanding when we can’t. Yes? YES.

Where do we go from here?

You guessed it. We keep practicing, and we give ourselves credit for practicing.

This is not the kind of thing where there are only wins when you get visible results. That would be a silly and very frustrating way to practice! There are so many seemingly small and yet extremely meaningful wins within the practicing.

We notice what we notice, we give ourselves credit for the work of being Noticers.

We add compassion. We practice Acknowledgment & Legitimacy.

We try things

For example, we can use our Even Though sentences. Sometimes I just sit down with a notebook or an open document in the Notes app, and set a timer, and write thirty Even Thoughs. It usually helps more than I think it will.

This is a great thing to practice if it’s not already in your toolbox or repertoire. Or if you haven’t played with it in a while (I know we’ve talked about it a lot here over the years), maybe it’s time to bring it back.

If you want to play with using Even Though sentences, let me know in the comments, or let me know how that goes. I personally find it very helpful in interrupting or rewriting the narratives of my mind.

And we keep trying things

Obviously there are many options for us in the category of Try Things.

For me personally it’s less important what I try and more that I try something.

Maybe for you it’s doing some journaling after an interaction, or interviewing Slightly Wiser You who is more skilled in responding to these situations. Maybe it’s doing something physical to move the stress energy out of your body. Maybe it’s showering off stress pheromones. Maybe all of the above or maybe something different…

For now…

I am wishing everyone who reads so much love and support in your efforts on this practice, and I want to really acknowledge just how challenging it can feel to even work on this.

We are brave and stalwart for trying things, and for our continued efforts.

All the work of noticing helps. If we fall down, or lose ourselves in a moment, or get tangled up in our stories and perceptions, we will find our way back. That too is part of the process. Love and legitimacy for all of it, I’m in it with you.

Love to everyone who reads. Leave a pebble in the comments -o- or share anything you’re working on, or use the space practice some Even Thoughs of your own, it’s welcome.

Let’s play.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️