The thing with talking to monsters or having conversations with blocks is that it can be pretty freaking terrifying.
Understandably.
I mean, monsters! And stucknesses! Not the most fun company in the world. They say the meanest things. They know exactly where it hurts.
Oh, and they pretty much own guilt, shame, and the ability to make you feel crappy and incompetent.
So … a lot of people have been wondering how I do it without falling apart.
You know, aside from years of practice and having access to especially fabulous wackiness (like the emergency calming techniques, among other things).
At some point I’m going to have to write several posts about this, but for now I want to cover the art of mediation (no, not meditation, though that’s good stuff too), because that seems like the best place to start.
Mediating the experience.
If your life were an action-packed drama/thriller, you’d have someone brave and exceptionally competent whose job it is to negotiate with whoever is behind the hostage situation or the stand-off or whatever.
When it’s just you and your fears though, it can get pretty intimidating pretty fast.
Which is where mediation comes in.
Sometimes you bring in someone from the outside.
For example, with my clients I’m the one who gets to be the mediator.
That’s because one of my superpowers is that other people’s stucknesses talk to me. And they tell me the stuff they’d never tell you.
The book you’re not working on will tell me why it won’t let itself be written. Your fear will tell me why it’s trying to sabotage you and what it plans to do next. Your guilt will tell me what it needs to go away.
And since my other superpower is wacky intuitive stuckness-zapping, I know how to help the stuck dissolve and disappear once I’ve listened to it.
And sometimes you bring someone in from the inside.
You don’t have to use me. Or anyone from the outside, for that matter. Because you can learn to be a mediator too.
And if you can’t, you can try calling on one.
I do this too when I work on my own stuff.
You’ve probably read the posts where I negotiate with my fears and talk to my walls. That’s a pretty advanced form of internal mediation.
But sometimes there’s something that is so scary and so hard and so stuck that I don’t feel strong enough to encounter it by myself.
And when that happens, I take myself out of the picture and I ask for someone to do the mediation for me. Someone else gets to have the conversation in my place.
Who is this someone who gets to mediate for me?
The Negotiator. The Angel of Mediation. My duck. Whoever I want.
This mediator is (unlike me in that moment) calm and self-possessed. Not invested in one side or another … but still determined to keep me feeling safe and supported.
This mediator knows what to say when I don’t because I’m too busy cowering in terror.
And then, instead of having the conversation, I write it down. Which is an extra layer of mediation.
Let’s have an example, shall we? But first, a bunch of disclaimer-ey stuff.
Disclaimer-ey stuff:
This is not easy. I don’t want to imply that it is. And I always use the emergency calming techniques first. And yes, it helps that I have years of practice with this. And your mileage may vary.
And I’m not suggesting that this will solve all your stuck. Just sharing some of the things that have helped me. Okay. Let’s go.
A mediated conversation with Havi’s monster.
The cast of characters.
The monster: enormous, formless, everywhere, threatening, comes in the form of the belief that all money needs to be *earned* and that if Havi doesn’t work a gazillion hours a day to support herself, she’s an awful, useless, hateful person.
The negotiator: strong, steady, calm, patience, interested. The negotiator is not there to judge the monster or to vanquish it. The negotiator is there to listen to it and find out what’s going on between them.
The scribe: She tries to write down what she hears without thinking about it or interacting with it. Just taking dictation. Nothing to do with her. Also, she has a duck to keep her company.
And we’re off …
The negotiator: Hey there, Havi’s monster. I was hoping I could talk with you.
Monster: growls
The negotiator: Tell me a bit about this rule that all money needs to be “earned” through very, very hard work.
Monster: There is nothing to talk about.
The negotiator: Okay. Let me ask you a question then. Let’s pretend that the universe wants Havi to be provided for and taken care of. I’m just wondering … are there ways this could happen other than her working all the time?
Monster: That’s bullshit. It doesn’t work like that.
The negotiator: Interesting. Alright. I can tell you feel pretty strongly about this. I’m sure there’s a good reason for it. And I’m also kind of curious… whose rule is this?
Monster: That’s not your business. You don’t need to know that.
The scribe: Uh oh.
Checking in with both sides.
The negotiator: Let me ask you this. What would Havi’s life be like if she could access financial support in other ways than the kind that comes as a result of working impossibly long hard days?
Monster: I don’t know. I don’t know and I don’t care.
The negotiator: Well, let’s ask her. Hey, scribe? Can you get Havi?
[pause]
The scribe: Havi says she could rest more easily. She could take her time. There would be less pressure. She could actually get more done.
The negotiator: And are there downsides to this for her? Does she have a good reason for not wanting this to happen?
The scribe: Guilt. Lots and lots of guilt.
Monster: Good! Ha!
Asking questions.
The negotiator: So tell me, monster. Because I’m curious. Why does Havi need to feel guilty? What does that accomplish?
Monster: Because the money is a reward for her work. If she works and works and works, then she can receive support in exchange for that.
The negotiator: Do rewards always need to take one form?
Monster: I don’t know.
The negotiator: I’m just wondering … there are other people who are provided for without having to work themselves to the bone … is there reason why Havi can’t be provided for too?
Monster: Those are lazy and undeserving people. We don’t want Havi to be like that.
The negotiator: Interesting. What about say, Havi’s mother? She didn’t have a career and she was provided for.
Monster: Havi didn’t do her duty of having a family so she has to work hard for a living forever.
The negotiator: Ah. And (sidestepping that for now) why can’t she be provided for in a variety of ways that don’t all involve getting completely exhausted and worn out?
Monster: She needs to be taught a lesson.
Learning about the lesson. And the love.
The negotiator: And what will this lesson teach her?
Monster: How to be independent and take care of herself.
The negotiator: Oh. Oh. So you’re worried that she won’t be safe.
Monster: Of course! Why should I be all trusting just because she is? Trust is stupid! Trust is not enough!
The negotiator: Wow. You really care about her safety. I can tell. You just want to know that she’s going to be okay. That she’s going to be taken care of.
Monster: Well, obviously. I love her and I need her to be safe.
The negotiator: Clearly. Wow.
What got you here won’t get you there.
The negotiator: So tell me … what if part of Havi’s purpose is learning to receive?
Monster: I don’t know anything about that. I just want her to be safe.
The negotiator: Okay. Would it help if I promise you that she will be? She definitely has the skills to earn whatever she needs whenever she needs it, and that’s amazing.
Monster: I know!
The negotiator: And you’ve been a huge part of helping her learn how to do that. Which is really impressive. Right now though, she needs to rest and she needs to receive. Which means that this rule is blocking her and (kind of ironically) keeping her from the independence that you want her to have.
My work here is done.
Monster: Goodbye.
The negotiator: What? Is something wrong? Oh. Hey, scribe? Tell Havi she can come back now. The monster is gone. It doesn’t need to be here anymore.
The scribe: Wow, that was fast.
The negotiator: My work here is done. I’m going to get a snack.
The scribe: See ya.
A note about comments:
These posts about my talking-to-stucknesses are a way for me to let you to hang out in my process-thing. They are not an invitation for people to tell me what they think I should be doing to work through my stuff. They are a way for me to model one possible version of how someone might interact with the stuck.
You’re more than welcome to leave comments about your reactions and about your own stuff and about whatever else comes to mind. Keep in mind though that this is a highly personal experience that I’m sharing, and that I’m not looking for advice or how-to-ishness. Thanks.
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Dearest Havi, thank you for sharing your Monster-taming stories with us! 🙂 I’m growing very fond of your cast of characters, which now includes your Negotiator. And I see this particular monster as having a permanently worried, furrowed brow, like a giant Shar-Pei–it’s hard work, trying to keep you safe from own powerful, creative, exuberant self! 🙂
Love and hugs,
Hiro
Hiro Bogas last blog post..Flourishing at the tideline
This is so useful, and interesting, and amazing and inspiring. And so worth the wait.
Thank you!
Willie Hewess last blog post..Bristol SP Expo (and Bristol Expo)
Your monster sounds a lot like my monster, I think I need to check under the bed. Hmmm.
Andis last blog post..What I Did on My Summer Vacation
I love this! I’ve been hearing so much lately from people who think it’s necessary to not only work a lot (I work a lot but I like working a lot) — but they’re supposed to hate it and it’s supposed to be a struggle, otherwise it’s not worthwhile.
It’s not really like that. It doesn’t have to be anyway.
All the best!
deb
Deb Owens last blog post..are you in the zone or have you lost the zing?
havi,
wow. each time you share i get tear-y. not because i am sad but more because it is just so friggin’ relatable. that could be me and my monster/inner self in that conversation.
not to mention the exact topic is one that i found myself dealing with today.
my worth. receiving.
so thanks, from my heart. you truly are groovy! (and selma too!)
@Deb – Exactly. Other people and their rules. Which is hard enough without our own rules chiming in. Yuck!
@Andi 🙂
@Willie – yay!
@Hiro – giant Shar-Pei! I need a resident artist to draw sketches of all my nutty internal cast.
Your timing is so beautiful it almost makes me want to cry. I’ve been struggling with Truth and telling it and trying to think about what it would be like if I felt comfortable to tell the complete truth but part of me is so afraid that it just overwhelms me. The part of me that is small and frightened of not being accepted for this truth. Afraid that if I tell truth then I will be totally rejected. I didn’t realize how much fear surrounded my inability to tell the truth about certain things. I’m going to sit with this model that you’ve presented and see how it can interact with this big fear. Thank you for all your help.
This is interesting. I adore reading your discussions with monsters, fears, walls, etc. Please keep posting them. They are enormously helpful.
Lately I’ve been trying to allow myself to feel things without repressing them first as a knee jerk reaction because a big, scared part of me thinks negative emotions like anger, fear, and sadness are dangerous. I’ve been trying not to judge a past version of myself for essentially doing what I needed to do at the time to survive, but I think deep down I believe that trying to muzzle my emotions so I could work through them minus the fangs and even numbing my emotions through escapism was cowardly and I judge myself harshly for that.
I think the most inspiring thing about your posts isn’t your courage or your creativity (of which you have both in spades), but the way you unconditionally forgive yourself your imperfections.
You’re probably getting tired of hearing it, but thank you.
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The negotiator: I’m just wondering … there are other people who are provided for without having to work themselves to the bone … is there reason why Havi can’t be provided for too?
Monster: Those are lazy and undeserving people. We don’t want Havi to be like that.
The negotiator: Interesting. What about say, Havi’s mother? She didn’t have a career and she was provided for.
Monster: Havi didn’t do her duty of having a family so she has to work hard for a living forever.
How in the world do you get into my head like that? This is exactly where I’ve been. I got monsters to go mediate with.
Shawna R. B. Atteberrys last blog post..Biblical Women Who Didn’t Submit: Sarah
Ouch, that is like reading the exact script that’s happening inside of me… which means I’ll be off now stomping around in my emotional mud for a bit.
I’ll be back when I’ve rinsed off my wellies.
Heartfelt thanks,
m
Maarten Elouts last blog post..Leading with no personal agenda
Like Shawna, the bit about the duty of having a family really struck a chord with me.
So, so interesting. Much to ponder and meditate on.
Victoria Brouhard (@victoriashmoria)s last blog post..Review: Dance of Shiva Starter Kit
Wow – pretty darm similar to what I deal with, except mine is maybe more extreme, since I work long days and get exhausted, and still don’t provide for myself. My monster is probably rather disgusted with me! But I’m gonna get myself a Negotiator (he will look like Liam Neeson, by the way).
Lee Anns last blog post..Water Water Everywhere…
Hi Havi,
Are you sure that your monster isn’t taking up part time residence in my head? Seriously — the working too much, too hard, too long, too single, too independent stuff… I can totally relate — although I’m not quite as good with getting in touch with my Monster as you are!
Great stuff… keep sharing!
Lynne
Lynnes last blog post..Legend of the Sleeping Giants
Hi there dear one,
I love how your Monster just gets right to the point…. it is a Monster of few words!
And, yes, it’s always such a wonderful reminder that those wild and crazy inner monsters are just doing their job to protect us from what looks to them like even BIGGER wild and crazy monsters!
I treasure these peeks into the soul of your process and so appreciate your generosity of sharing yourself in such a deep, powerful and brilliant way.
Mucho thanks….
Lots of love,
Chris
@Chris – oh, completely. It’s the BIGGER wild and crazy monsters I always forget about.
@Shawna (And Victoria! And Lynne! Oooh! And Lee Ann!) – Wow. It is so incredibly reassuring to be reminded that our monsters all share similarities in behaviour, language and personality.
I mean, it kind of sucks because you all have my monster, but yay you all have my monster. If that makes sense. 🙂
@Maarten – Wellies! Sorry for triggering the horrible … can’t wait to hear way you go with it. Good luck with the muck, my dear.
@Keely – thanks for seeing the good stuff that I can’t even see. And glad you’re a part of this thing with me too.
@R – oh good. Sending you support and such. Hope things get easier.
@melly – hooray for timing. Glad it was useful. Love!
Hi Havi,
I really admire you for sharing your process so openly and bravely. There is so much to learn. I love the personalities of your different characters and the understanding and compassion at the core (even the monster ends up seeming kind of lovable!) I was just writing about confronting ‘monsters under the bed’ in my blog – only not so articulately and beautifully as this! Love reading your blog. Thank you. Kerry
Wow, Havi, I recognized that monster … only too well. I am stunned. Very.
The part about not having done the duty of having a family resonated here too, like it did for Shawna and Victoria. It’s a choice I have made and I am perfectly ok with it, but still, the question shows up in my mind once in a while, as if a part of me can’t quite come to grip with the fact that this is really how things are and are going to be. I think the relative lack of models, and also maybe the fact that there aren’t enough children around me have something to do with it.
Anyways.
What I really wanted to say here, though, is that I loved the “checking in with both sides” thing. Seems like an awesome technique for when you’re stuck in front of a monster who’s being stubbornly unhelpful. That was pure genius! Loved it! Thanks for that new helpful trick. Now to go and try to apply it…
Josianes last blog post..A bluesy version of the Ramayana
I resonated with the duty-of-having-a-family thing, but from the other side. As in, I have borne two children and raised them (well, so far — they’re only 4 and 7) and goshdarnit I have Done My Duty as a Mother so where the heck is my village? My support network? My you’ve-taken-care-of-the-world-and-now-the-world-will-take-care-of-you angel?
And then I feel selfish and remember that it is the Forever Duty of a Mother to be Selfless. And that I got myself into this by choosing to have children and that means (or so says my monster) that I can’t ever have a “successful career” (even though I hate that word, career, but in this case let’s just say I can’t ever be financially successful).
Well, this isn’t Naomi’s blog, so I won’t cuss, but to heck and back with all of that!
I can see the wisdom and value in meeting myself where I am, maybe talking to this Duty Monster I seem to be rooming with, and so forth…but I also want to simultaneously karate-chop it and run screaming.
So, yeah, looks like a really good time for some calm-the-heck-down techniques. So thank you for already having created those. Whew.
And by the way, I pictured your monster as the big blue fuzzy guy from Monsters, Inc. — really scary on the outside but with a soft heart (and some snark) behind all those fangs. Sort of a comforting image (for me, anyway).
I’m so grateful for your bravery in posting all this.
Wendy Cholbis last blog post..When competition isn’t, really.
So Havi,
When you have these conversations between yourself and your monsters, walls and blocks, what form do they take? Meditation, talking out loud, automatic writing? Or do you really get more accomplished with an actual mediator?
@kat_taf
Katys last blog post..FREE Call with Pam Slim Author of Escape From Cubicle Nation 5/14
Wow. This is some powerful stuff. I’ve been struggling with my own monster (it says “must” and “have to” and “don’t deserve” a lot) and I could use a good negotiator. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
Catherine Cantieri, Sorteds last blog post..Amazing Web Productivity Tools: SendOutCards
Havi,
I’ve got something to share with you.
Even though you weren’t aware of it, you’re actually my business partner. Your voice is with me during my business day and you help me navigate all kinds of things. We’re getting a lot accomplished, your voice and me, and I thought you should know how much you’re helping me without even knowing it.
Just thought you should know.
Linda
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@Katy – It depends. In this case, I was writing it out. But I had to stop half way through because I can’t write very much. Often (like in some of the examples I gave), I do this in meditation. A lot of experimenting and trying stuff out. And backing off if it gets too horrible. Hope that helps!
@Linda – That is the most wonderful thing ever. Especially because it’s kind of my secret hope. I love this. And I’m sending you lots of support and encouragement and internet-y vibes for your business. Yay!
Of all your posts, I love these internal dialogue posts the most. They resonate with me like a brass singing bowl.
Now, of course, the next time I need a Negotiator, I’m going to be seeing Selma in my mind’s eye. She has that whole “grandmotherly kindness” vibe going.
Spikes last blog post..O is for . . . Openness
I hope your monster will talk to my monster (since they seem to be related). Then I’ll try to talk to it later. That way the monster can feel smart for, you know, ‘already having thought of’ this great idea that it could leave me alone. Also, I wonder if there is an alternate-universe blog like yours, but where all the monsters are conversing with each other. That would be weird! but cool!
@Bonni – You’re right! That would be cool! And very, very weird.
Between your monster-blogging alternate universe and @Spike’s brass singing bowl with a grandmotherly duck, I am completely blissfully happy right now.
The thing I love most about this blog? That it somehow attracts people who are as unabashedly nutty as I am. LOVE.
I don’t read the comments yet, just wan’t to make mines.
* Havi, this is so brave. You are so brave.
Girl, you really have guts.
I don’t know how much courage somebody has to have to publish this.
I don’t know how much. You do.
* The path to courage is through fear, and the map is “understanding” (techinques, methods, teachers, etc).
* Not sure why, but your post reminds me when somebody says “get a life”.
Havi, look like somebody that is having one. For sure.
You are having a life and I can see how many of us don’t.
(And I can see how and why this is like this, and how this could change!)
All my praise and admiration for you and for all the brave girls, and womens in the world.
* Maybe this could be the “cure” even for femenism, and machism and many other “isms” out there. (“isms” born from fear, now I can clearly see.)
* Havi, I’m learning so much from you.
I’m grateful.
I have more to say, but just this:
more and more, post by post, you are letting me without options, without excuses to not live my life the way I can and I want.
Thanks for that too.
Kiss Selma for me, and my Mike Wazowski says hi to yours.
Now I’d like to talk with him.
Dear Monster,
I am so glad that you are taking care of Havi the very best you know how and that you so much want her to be safe. It is good to know that the heart of the monster is good. I am going to go talk to my monster now–I think she is worried about me very much.
Oh, I hope I am not too behind to acknowledge the brilliance of the Scribe and the scariness of the monster, Havi. I can relate to the fullest expression of both characters. They are in me and I am in them. They are trying to run my life right now, but I am getting glimpses of separation from both of them and the possibilities that exist when I go too far in either direction. I know the only way into making a living out of the love of my life (Relaxology–the science of stress reduction)–is to practice it myself. I am just now @ 4 am surrendering to the only way through this is to rest my way into it and let the balance reveal itself.
Thank you for sharing the dialogue of your inner committee.
I recieved Shiva Naut y’day. Yummy! Thank you thank you!
Warm wishes,
Waller