Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
You probably don’t remember this at all but when we got to Friday Chicken #101 almost a year ago, it was called things to do on a rainy day.
As in: 101 Things To Do on Said Day of Rain. Anyway, I won’t be able to make this increasingly stupid joke again for another hundred weeks, so enjoy it while you can. Let’s do this!
Thing 1: gloves! colorful gloves!
Here’s what I want:
We moved the giant ship’s wheel at the Playground up higher on the wall so that it looks more dramatic. If you saw the first video of me in the pink wig, you can see how it was before.
But it makes it harder for people to accurately mirror what my hands are doing when I’m teaching Shiva Nata, especially in Horizontal 1 and Horizontal 4.
So I’m thinking costumes! Because that’s basically what I always think.
Bright gloves? Sparkly gloves? Ideally fingerless, of course.
Who’s got some?
Ways this could work:
I can dig through that one cabinet where things hide and maybe I’ll find those orange ones I used to have.
Maybe one of you guys has a pair not in use that you can send. Or maybe you know where I could get the perfect, crazy thing. Etsy shop recommendation?
My commitment.
To play! To experiment. To keep trying things.
To go Gwen Stefani on this and be fearlessly ridiculous in all of my teaching outfit choices for a while, just to see what happens.
I can — uh, theoretically — play with this at Rally (Rally!) this week. We’ll see!
Thing 2: Shiva Nata at Derby Daze!
Here’s what I want:
The Rose City Rollers (Portland’s roller derby league) host a yearly three-day derby retreat in August.
Last year’s sounded so amazing, and I had this crazy beautiful idea about running some Extreme Agility and Badass Coordination trainings (aka Shiva Nata) for the skaters — sort of like what I do for the team we sponsor. Go Guns N Rollers!
And then I did absolutely nothing with it.
And then this week @openlybalanced asked me about this year. Like, wouldn’t it be the most awesome thing EVER if the off-skates training for Derby Daze would be a shivanautical thing with me.
And I’m all yeah baby wheeeeeeee! Got super excited. And haven’t done anything.
Ways this could work:
Let’s see.
I could make a list of all my allies and resources who could help with this.
It could turn out that the connections I already have are enough.
It could turn out that everything needed for this is already in place.
There could be big fabulous enthusiasm and delight about it!
My commitment.
To stay with the gwish. To ride the enthusiasm.
To talk to any monsters who aren’t on board and find out what they need to feel safe with this. Internal investigation.
And of course I will use Shiva Nata to flail on it and see what patterns it shows me.
Thing 3: help spreading the word!
Here’s what I want:
I’m doing this no-cost snack preview (more fun than a sneak preview) picnic call on June 30.
It’s a fun group call. We’ll be talking about Shiva Nata, insights and epiphanies, ways to have fun and play, and a bunch of sneaky ways to teach and learn, as well as whatever else you want to know.
There will be a Chattery (like a chat room but better because it’s a Chattery) and it will be a beautiful time.
I want lots of lovely people! And questions! And an audience. And hilarity and fun. And I want help spreading the word.
Ways this could work:
First I am just going to ask.
It would mean so much to me if you guys could spread the word and invite people.
Here, online, on your blogs, at the Twitter bar or on Facebook (visit us at the Frolicsome Bar!), whatever works.
I am going to give you the link:
http://shivanata.com/blog/updates/sneak-preview-also-snack-preview-june-30th
What else? I can tell my friends, students, fellow shivanauts. And keep brainstorming. And dancing.
My commitment.
To keep finding ways to get better at asking for help and support.
And receiving it.
Thing 4: appreciation (and a new pattern)
Here’s what I want:
Last week I was at a dance class and the teacher was telling us about a class he’s teaching at a dance conference — a class of 2500 people! Imagine!
And I was so excited and happy for him! We all were. And even though I’m weird and freaky about crowds, the thought of that kind of intense energy — all those people doing the same thing at the same time! — was so powerful and inspiring.
My heart is singing and happily zooming just thinking about it.
And there is also a place of envy in my heart.
Not for the insanely world-changingly giant classes, though that would be amazing and I am sure it will happen one day. But for the outpouring of rejoicing that happened when he told us. Oh! I want like that!
In my experience, every time I’ve mentioned to my people that I am thinking of something bigger, so many of them freak out about what that change will mean for them and how they will be uncomfortable because of my biggification.
They’re in their pain and their discomfort, and that’s okay. Their story, their process.
But where my patterns come in is that moment of hurt. That painful longing for appreciation.
I am noticing how much I crave that kind of delight and rejoicing with me. To know that I am supported while I am growing this thing I care about so passionately.
Ways this could work:
Meeting my pain. Giving it room to exist. And permission to be there.
And then I can begin to work on the parts of this that are mine: my own pain and my own stuff.
How? By interviewing myself, my doing the alignment exercise, by doing everything we do here in order to destuckify and find a new, more sovereign relationship with this experience.
I can do Shiva Nata on it to figure out what the old patterns are and rewrite them.
Experimentation!
I can try to find the places where there already is so much love and appreciation for what I do. And I can try to find the shadow places: are there situations in which I also try to keep other people small because I am in pain?
My commitment.
To be curious. To ask open, compassionate questions. To release attachment to what I think the answers should be.
To conduct a loving investigation into this, without needing to fix anything. Just to find out what is going on and what the various parts of me need in order to heal. To keep moving.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted more Shiva Nata roller derby classes (hark! a theme!), and they’re being set up.
Then I asked for recommendations for the just-right gym bag and got plenty of great suggestions. Thank you!
Movement on the Shiva Nata iPhone app? Not really. Still waiting on legal to get things going.
Walking? More than I had been doing, maybe not as much as I’d like. I am going to re-work those last two asks and see what is missing and how I can change my relationship to it.
And I wanted celebration and recognition (aha! there it is again!) for sticking with the Very Personal Ads for one hundred whole weeks, and you guys were awesome about rejoicing with me, so thank you for that. Hugely appreciated!
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
The word “manifest”. To be told how I should be asking for things. To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Much love for your gwishes! So happy to have you doing this with me.
Follow
Ooo, ooo, I have a good, well-thought-out VPA this week of utter importantness and processingness! And now it has a place to go!
The Thing! Fabulous Photographs
What I want:
I want to have nice headshots, some involving Samwise and some not and photos of me in the Shiva Nata positions.
But more than that, I want a good compassionate experience of being seen, and of that seeing turning into beauty.
And really really what I want is for Jillian or Kylie to be in Portland *this* *month* so they can take them, because I trust them *and* I like their photos. Anyone else I’ve found or had recommended to me either give me the creeps or I don’t like their style.
(And it’s really hard to be like: “this person is totally awesome, and their photos are good, but I don’t like the lighting and posing choices they make.”)
What’s behind this:
The crazy huge pattern I’m shifting about being seen and being beautiful. Allowing myself to be taken care of. Trusting. Play.
Ways this could work:
I could find the perfect someone, somehow. I could just run into them (her. It would be a her) somewhere. Crazier things have happened. And every third person I know is a photographer.
I could decide to wait until Kylie or Jillian is here and have pictures taken with one of them.
I could go deeper into my fear of pictures and find someone every so slightly less compassionate but with an artistic vision I like and it could be just fine because sometimes I am utterly queenly and radiant and fine with anything.
I could do lots of Shiva Nata and find something I didn’t even expect.
My Commitment:
To keep noticing, especially the thing where I purposefully make myself look ugly. Every day looking at where that’s showing up and where it’s coming from.
To keep my vision and not settle out of a sense of obligation or the need to protect someone’s ego.
@Dear Rhiannon! I go to do my VPA-ing, and I see my name. Such excitement! If I hear of a sweet and wonderful Portland-based photographer before my next visit in September (or Jillian’s next visit), I’ll steer you her way.
What I want: A bit of rest. I’m all tuckered out, both emotionally and physically, and I need a break.
Ways this could work: I could continue to investigate the pattern of renewal and tiredness. I could be curious. I could make notes about how I’m feeling and when. I could cancel things. I could schedule fewer things, especially on the weekends.
My commitment: To be curious and super duper nice to myself, even when I feel I don’t “deserve” it. To think about possible additional times to unplug.
A happy week to everybody.
VPA’s!
1. Rest
joining Kylie on this one
2. a feasible amount of work
(on the big presentation i have to give next week)
that phrase in itself is hard.
what is feasible? and still sufficient?
i feel not-good-enough about that work all the time and i would love to feel enough. so let me rephrase
3. enoughness –
a strong and solid feeling of being good enough and having worked enough on my presentation
OMG OMG OMG
Insights and epiphanies already!
Havi, what you wrote about appreciation — so much like what I’ve been thinking in regard to my relationship with certain people. What Rhiannon wrote about being seen fits with it too. In The Book of the Dun Cow, Chanticleer spends the night before battle saying the names of all his army and saying I see you. Like, “Reynard the Fox, I see you.” In these relationships, I want to be seen and appreciated and I don’t feel it happening. I also realized that they may love me but don’t show it in a way that I recognize!
Re: gloves. You could paint your hands bright colors!
My Ask:
What I want: For Rally to be the amazing, inspiring, insight-sparking, fun, crazy, loving experience that I dream of. I want to play and I want to learn and I want to create.
I am already in Portland, having made space for Rally and for the transition to and from Rally. My long trip to Portland, yesterday, was an amazing one. I’m staying in a lovely hotel, and the bed is very comfortable. Nothing sucks!
And, as I said, insights and epiphanies already!
My commitment:
To be open. To be curious. To take lots of notes. To let myself have what I need for my projects. To rest when I need to. To keep the attitude that nothing sucks. To be loving.
Also grateful, because of the support that appeared so I could come to Rally.
Hi Havi…VPLL (Very Personal Love Letter) I am more often a lurker mouse than a commenter mouse, although I do both. I think I speak for many of us mice when I say that your desire for appreciation is totally legitimate and founded. And I will confess that there is a fear in me sometimes that your constant processing and continuing of growth will somehow deliver you to a place where you won’t be helpful to ME anymore- in whatever way that should manifest, whether your glossary gets too big and I can’t keep track of your words, you don’t need to write on this blog anymore, or you biggify out of control and this cool semi-secret sanctuary of a blog and shivanautical stuff gets not semi-secret (like “i liked that band before they were popular”). So anyyyways, I’d like to offer you so much appreciation for the IMMENSE IRREPLACEABLE INVALUABLE GEM of a community/advice/support center that has been helping me to grow, move forward, and be a happy girl again. If it weren’t for your biggification I would have never have found this place. And I am so grateful for that. I’m so excited for you and all of your progress!!! Your growth is as important as all of ours! You support me in my hard and good, without ever even having had a conversation. You’ve got my support – knee deep in manure or top of the rainbow.
Hooray for VPA’s!
Here we go…
Thing 1: Financial Smoothness
Here’s what I want:
Right now there is some confusion in our main checking account – a transaction that shouldn’t be there, a check not yet cleared. I’m left feeling rather powerless, and just hoping it all works out without incident. So what I want is for it to do exactly that. Without effort or action from me, I would like our bank account to accurately reflect the money spent, with money left over.
Ways this could work:
It just could.
My commitment.
To notice and appreciate moments of smoothness, financial or otherwise.
To be as paitient as I can.
Thing 2: Spaciousness
Here’s what I want:
I have a lot going on right now with trips coming up, projects that want attention, the crazy that is summer at the library, and this week is a 7 day shift. I would like to experience spaciousness this week. Quiet moments, fun moments, moments to breathe, moments of in-between. I want white space.
Ways this could work:
I could notice when I’m starting to feel overwhelmed, and take a time-out, even if it is only a few deep breaths.
I could give myself permission to do nothing on my breaks – not even read.
Other ways?
My commitment:
To be as paitient with myself as I can.
To give myself permission to not like it, if I am having moments of ick.
To breathe.
Thing 3: Remembering Why I Do What I Do
Here’s what I want:
My job has felt like a burden lately, and I am open to the idea that it is time to be moving on to the next phase, whatever that might be. Nonetheless, I am in a job and a career that I worked hard to get, and once this was exactly what I wanted. What I would like is to reconnect to the essence of my work, to remember why this was my dream job.
Ways this could work:
I could remember to ask myself what my intention is as I move through different tasks in my day.
I could read old journal entries from the me who was so excited to get this job.
I could talk to the monster who is afraid that if I’m not unhappy with where I am now I will get stuck in a rut.
My commitment:
To be kind to myself, and try really hard to just observe how I am feeling throughout my day, and not judge myself for those feelings.
To be open to seeing things from new angles – or again from old angles.
Update on last time:
I asked to find a regular routine that would incorporate both movement and stillness into my daily life. Still working on that, but I’ve had some ideas, so yay for that.
Got cleared for exercise at my appt last week as VPA’d, so woo! Getting back to my routine albeit gently. That’s what’s so great about OTL Yoga, if you need to go super mellow, you totally can. Was kind of stoked I wasn’t as sore/inflexible as I thought I’d be though.
Also been venturing out for short walks. Hoping my energy will return as I resume doing more. Still working on that part of the ask.
Tomorrow, I’d like some calm. Have to make a phone call that’s already amping up my anxiety a bit. Not so much the call itself, I know what I need to ask, it’s the waiting for the reply. Their office has failed miserably at this before.
How? Will try to remember now is not then. Hopefully no one’s on vacation this time around. Maybe someone will actually answer when I call. Or they’ll call back and it won’t be totally inconvenient. Or they’ll leave a message with the info I need.
Commitment: Be open to the possibility it will be totally easy. Do what I can to minimize my stress. My q’s are already written out. Breathe! Snag a phone so I can see the caller ID without running for it.
What I Want:
More forward movement with that thing. It’s moving forward, and I will do my part to keep it moving forward. This will happen with the faxing and some typing tomorrow and some particular internet stuff.
What Else I Want:
I still want to be kissed. Ways this could happen: there is of course the person I really want to kiss me, we could somehow meet up and I could just kiss him. Or there could be a new person for me to kiss? My commitment: to remain open to being kissed.
What Else I Want:
Peace on my retreat. Ways this could happen: I could get the things done I need to get done before leaving. My commitment: to focus at work and get those things done. To clean the house. To pack tomorrow night so I can go to yoga on Tuesday night.
What Else I Want:
Peace. For all beings to know peace. My commitment: to remember that acting with dignity and grace is what will serve the world best.
What I want: Some of that being-seen-and-appreciated feeling. Or more, to not be ashamed of wanting that feeling. Or to relax and allow feeling ashamed of feeling ashamed for wanting…and to listen, and not pretend or disappear.
How? I could say, well, I loved those special shivanata gloves I painted in colors with glitter and sewed ribbons and hairy threads on and sent to Havi even if she has forgotten them or didn’t like them.
(I totally get if she needs other ones–can’t have too many).
But if you give a gift with strings attached (and these had lots of glittery gold strings attached), like the person has to remember it, that’s kind of not such a gift afterall. And of course things always get lost and forgotten and it’s not about me.
I could click submit, and then see what I feel in real life.
Love to all the tender feeling mice everywhere. May none of us have to remember anything that we don’t remember so that other people won’t take it personally.
So last time, I asked to make meditation a bigger part of my life. I don’t want to seem like I’m jumping the gun, but this last week of yoga/meditation study has already been tremendously helpful. I’m beginning to cultivate a mindfulness in my thoughts and actions. I think it’s a great start.
Also, I asked to have a choreographed piece. Ummm…all systems are NOT go. Not yet at least. I procrastinated because it was feeling Hard and then life got in the way. One interesting development is that I’ve simply started choreographing in the car, or at least making a skeleton. That has been the source of some progress.
VPAs
Thing 1: To Kick Ass And Take Names
Here’s What I Want: To perform at the show next Saturday and be AMAZING. To move with grace and raw emotion. I want to break hearts, dammit.
Ways This Can Work: I can actually choreograph this piece. Shocked, right? I know! Like totally, me too!! *Derisive Snort* Anyway, I know that it’s screamingly obvious, but the Monsters are screaming about failure and how I’ll look foolish so what’s the bloody point, and I should just spend my days watching Doctor Who.
I can also surround myself with inspiration. I can watch dancers in other fields or harness the Awesome Chi of various kick ass women who I love.
My Commitment: To try to not speak ill of myself when I find things to be difficult. To be okay with flailing around in the mirror while trying to find my way. Compassion. To trust. To balance my workload in such a way that I can practice dance and STILL have Doctor Who. Joy.
Gwishes: To find a way to make my sick kitty better. To continue finding a balance between dance, yoga, art, writing.
To have my very own Doctor and a TARDIS. 😀
For fingerless gloves, here’s a shop I have faved on Etsy: http://www.etsy.com/shop/ZenAndCoffee She has long-arm style, short ones, lace gloves, various colors. They tend toward the gothy with lace and corset-style lacings, but there are some less elaborate ones too.
I like these: http://www.etsy.com/listing/58868642/deep-ocean-vast-sea-lace-fingerless
Or perhaps red and gold suits better? http://www.etsy.com/listing/73663743/lasair-lace-fingerless-gloves-in-bright
Ooh! some pink to go with your wig! http://www.etsy.com/listing/63853467/little-monster-lace-fingerless-gloves-in
(apologies for the ugly text strings; I don’t know how to make links manually! Normally my text editor does that for me, heh)
As for myself and VPAs, one very simple one this week.
What I want: TO BE OUT OF THE SUCK ALREADY. It’s been a rough two weeks, full of ups and downs, days lost to emotional storms and days lost to recovering from those storms (I have depression, anxiety, and social anxiety, none of which I’m in treatment for cause I can’t afford it). My writing is suffering, my business is suffering, my main relationship is suffering, and dammit, *I* am suffering and I want it to stop!
Ways this could happen: My moods could suddenly just stabilize. A certain relationship in my life could stop causing drama. My resilience could increase to the point where I can work through the ick without causing harm to myself. Stuff can stop spontaneously breaking down around me when I need it, that’d be a huge help (two broken washing machines in one week, what’re the odds?). I could cut down my goals for the week so I’m not feeling so pressured to be always *on* and working and have more time for falling down and getting back up again.
My commitment: To pay attention as best I can, and try to notice the lessons and patterns in both the falling and the getting up. To be gentle with myself and ask curious-why, instead of angry-why. To dust off the DVD and see if some flailing helps?
Last week a part of me really wanted to go to the Rally…but another part was unsure…and scared and intimidated etc. Then I realized I had a commitment in my schedule that conflicted. Soooooo, I was both relieved and disappointed. I realized I really wanted the Rally to give me a little kick in the booty and help motivate me in various ways. Then I decided it was not productive to use not going as an excuse not to motivate, that I had many resources (my Shiva Nata kit, the new videos you posted, the Procrastination Dissolve-o-matic…etc etc) and I ought to use them. So, I did – I did more shiva nata than usual the past few days and was more focused about it, wow – it is helping very much.
I would like to continue with this more focused practice…
Thank you for your blog, for sharing your rituals and for nurturing this community. What a gift!
You’re reminded me that I had some black gloves with patterns on them.. must try to find them…
@Havi Sending you a hug of appreciation for all that you do here on the blog and in video form and for introducing me to the wonders of shivanata..if you’d like a hug, that is.:)
Since Last time
So.. I asked for..
Thing 1: Space and time; a balanced summer
– happening/in-progress.. this week at least has some gaps
Thing 2: A Simple Solution for the Masters Courses
– interestingly, nothing until this morning – even though I was set to write this yesterday, it didn’t and now there’s been progress. Though I wouldn’t call it simple..
– I’m on a waiting list.. so unlikely I’ll get a place [currently full] but there’s a slim chance… gah, what to do.
So, today’s VPA:
Here’s What I Want:
A peaceful and easy solution – some knowledge about when the final decision is made for my Msc course and how long I have and maybe some nudge of guidance from myself.
Ways This Can Work:
Slightly Future Me?
Email admin?
Dance?
…
My Commitment:
To be open.
To try and relax about it.
To have faith.
I’m having this thing where I’m unemployed and really afraid of a job search and not sure what I want to do anyway. My mum wants to be super helpful and keeps sending me job ads she thinks might be interesting or conference programs of industrys I might be interested in and most of the time I’m really noooooo!!! and then I feel bad for rejecting her offer and I think that I am just to conceited to want to do something that I like, and that I should just hurry up and decide on doing something anything. Also I don’t want to tell my mum to stop because it is really important for her to be with me in this process, but then she also believes that it is ok for a job to be boring and awful and we can be ourselves in our free time.
What I’m asking is for acceptance of her help without feeling obliged to say yes or act on it in anyway and to bee ok with the resounding no inside my head.
This could work, if I talked to her about it, or if I examine the pattern that is happening and find ways to get out, or insight could just magically appear.
I commit to patience, with myself and my mum and to taking care of myself if her actions make me feel bad and remembering that my feelings don’t make me a bad daughter or her a bad mum.
About those gloves: if you don’t need fingers articulated (but perhaps you do), you might find many more crazy wonderful designs if you go with long socks. Just an idea.
VPA:
My friend just who is very sick with leukemia just went into hospital again for pneumonia and it doesn’t look good. I want healing and wellness for him and his.
Can’t ask for anything else right now.
Oh, Havi. I totally know that thing when you’re like “I have great news! let’s celebrate!” And other people are like “OH NO SCARY CHANGE.” 🙁 It is depressing.
My VPA! Haven’t done one of these in a while.
What I want: Creative motivation.
I need to Get Work Done. And awesomely, my work is creative work. But not awesomely, sometimes (a lot, lately) I get really Stuck creatively and feel like I don’t have anything to say and I get the whole Blank White Page syndrome. It’s like a vicious cycle of anxiety, and the more important the work is, the more entrenched the Stuck gets. So I want to break out of that and make creativity happen.
How can this happen:
It could just… happen. The Muse works in mysterious ways.
I could do tons of shiva nata and get epiphanized.
Other distractions and stressors could clear out and give me some space.
I could focus on Doing One Thing and not freak out as much about the big picture.
My commitment:
To forgive myself for not being a super machine of productivity.
To pause and press the reset button if I feel the stress getting too bad.
To appreciate when I do good work instead of freaking out about the next big obstacle.
What else I want: some ease and spaciousness in the bank account department.
This month is going to be *really tight,* and every little bit counts, and just typing that makes my shoulder blades try to hide behind my neck. Owwww. I would like for things to open up a little to help solve these issues without too much scary stress.
How this could happen:
I could find a way to earn some quick cash.
I could find a way to reduce our cost of living for the short term.
I could find more ways to enjoy life and relax a little without spending money.
My commitment:
To remember that I am not my bank account and to let go of feelings of shame over it.
To be open to creative possibilities, even unlikely or possibly scary ones.
Last week, I asked for the perfect solution to appear easily and swiftly. Some possible solutions did appear, and I was strangely excited about an idea that I thought I would never be excited about, but it turns out that’s not what I actually want (or need):
What I want: To find peace with the fact that a particular something might be the solution.
How this could happen: It just could. I could get just the right reassurance. I could see that my thoughts about it might not be true.
My commitment: I will take it to practice and journal about it. I will give my worry about the solution permission to exist, since it seems I have been ignoring it.
Ohhh vpa VPA!
Ohhhh I relate to the appreciation thing Havi! xxx
What I’d love…
To feel more appreciation and less isolated as well and
to find people who are on a similar journey of finding their purpose and dream building and have a degree of optimism that this is possible.
I’d like some cheerleaders in my life, some I am happy for you enthusing.
(The more easily I process things the less company I have. Like I need to be falling apart to be seen. Or bitching or miserable. And in the end because nobody says well done I feel really really sad. Some kind of rejection, abandonment pattern and it is really painful. So back to earth – with a bang and a thud. Ouchy)
I want relief from this pain. I want to feel more aware of those people who Do care for me.
To see what i NEED to let go of in order to make space for more support.
How this may happen
I might finally decide on a group to join that fits in with my work timetable and my need for a freedom in my spare time to create and learn.
To give myself internal support as always with the pain so that it releases softly and I can release old stuck pain.
Recognition that at the end of the day very few people around me know how far I’ve come nor believe that it’s really possible. therefore appreciation starts with me and it’s time to find some new people! (Your experience Havi proves how this is probably an ongoing process)
To breathe in more appreciation for myself and my journey.
Feeling connected and appreciated…it could happen with ease, it could happen now in the blink of an eye because feeling isolated and unappreciated isn’t serving me right now.
What I want: Some joy and fresh energy.
How this can happen: Hmmm. That’s a tricky one. I’m going to go with the first answer that popped into my head, which is: be more in my body. Touch things. Move more. Look for the sensuality in the things I’m doing from moment to moment. Oh, yes, and Shiva Nata (see below).
My commitment: I will play with the process of responding to murky, gloomy mental meanderings with loving physical actions.
Something else I want: a daily Shiva Nata practice.
How this can happen: Oh, let’s see. I can do a few arm spirals whenever I find myself thinking that I want to do more Shiva Nata. I can experiment with different times of the day (first thing in the morning, last thing before bed, just before or after lunch…) and see what feels stickiest.
My commitment: I will allow my progress toward daily Shiva Nata to be guilt-free, and I will remember that it doesn’t have to be perfect — if anything, it has to be not perfect. Oh, and I’ll be there for the Snack Preview on June 30: http://shivanata.com/blog/updates/sneak-preview-also-snack-preview-june-30th
Happy gwishcrafting!
And a belated YAYYYYWOOPWOOOOP for maintaining this most delicious and sacred of rituals!
xxx
VPA – To understand what is going on with my grandma. She is very apparently going through something, but is keeping it to herself.
Ways this could work: I could try to open up the lines of communication with her.
I could just let her know that I am there for her.
I could remind myself that I don’t have to know what the problem is to know that there is a problem and that when she acts the way she does there is something else at the root of it.
My Commitment:
To try to see her tonight and be open and honest with her. To try the things I said above or at least think about trying them if the monsters roar up, and then i could talk to my monsters.
Was it actually a week ago that I asked for lots of writing to get done. It was. That week went by quickly. But I think all the writing that needed to be done got done, so yay.
This week I would like everything with A Certain Situation to go smoothly. Well . . . I guess I would like whatever needs to happen to happen. I’d like, ideally to remember my sovereignty, and also to remember to choose happiness. It might not happen though, and if it doesn’t, I guess that means I need to do some more untangling and healing. Which I can do, if necessary. So I suppose everything will be okay.
VPA
Like Jadelyn I want to be OUT OF THE SUCK ALREADY!! Doom, gloom, depression, anxiety, hormonal madness, grief, uncertainty, out of control monster rumpus parties, isolation and more isolation and getting nothing done. Ever. I’m tired of it! SO TIRED!
I need to start regaining some entusiasm for life, some direction, less isolation, happiness would be awesome.
How this could work:
– I don’t know.
– The stars could align and the fog could magically clear and joyful, enthusiastic ME could come back from wherever she has gone.
– I could write more, instead of not at all.
– I could JUST DO THE SHIVA NATA ALREADY.
– I could work out a schedule to finish the online classes I started and then stopped when Mom got the brain tumor. (I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before, but I could actually do it….)
– – My body chemistry could work itself out on its own or with the help of pharmaceuticals.
– I could contact at least one friend and make plans to do something.
– I could find a support group and they could be totally awesome and could help me process the stuff around my Mom’s illness.
– I could find an awesome therapist who is cool and not expensive and who understands.
– The perfect “job” and/or other means of making money could just show up.
My committment:
– To be open to new ideas and things working out without being forced.
– To remember that things will get better. sometime.
– To have some compassion for myself.
– To make an appointment with the psychiatrist for an evaluation of the meds I’m taking.
– To call my insurance company about mental health benefits.
– To leave the house at least once a day.
Happy Monday 🙂
I’m calling amnesty! because um, Not Even Slightly Sunday for Anyone But Me.
this is the second day of my weekend, so it’s MY Sunday. Everyone else labors under the delusion that Mondays are the start of the workweek.
VPA question of the week:
what are the qualities?
It goes like this:
what are the qualities of interaction I want with my clients?
what are the qualities of my office space that I want?
what are the qualities of relationship with my sweetheart that I want?
what are the qualities of my home space that I want?
what are the qualities of my business that I want?
what are the qualities of my life that I want?
I would like some clarity and some abundance.
Ways this could work: Shiva Nata. Journaling. Exercise. Rolling around on the floor.
My commitment: to sit in a place that I never sit and see things with new eyes.
VPA the second: plenty of clients this week. I have some but I would like some more people to come play Hearts and Brains and Bodies with me.
Hopefully they will know when it’s right.
blessings to everyone for their VPAs this week!
Hi —
I’m rather new here, but love what I’ve read so far. Such joy and excitement and giving-of-space to things and people and ideas that need it!
So i hope you’ll forgive me for not diving in and writing a VPA this particular moment. But this caught my eye:
“In my experience, every time I’ve mentioned to my people that I am thinking of something bigger, so many of them freak out about what that change will mean for them and how they will be uncomfortable because of my biggification.
“They’re in their pain and their discomfort, and that’s okay. Their story, their process.
“But where my patterns come in is that moment of hurt. That painful longing for appreciation.
“I am noticing how much I crave that kind of delight and rejoicing with me. To know that I am supported while I am growing this thing I care about so passionately.”
I have so often been one of those people balking at someone else’s enthusiasm over biggifying — in particular, that of a Very Special Someone. And I feel bad about that. I’m recognizing how that response does in fact come from my pain, but that pain is often so hidden, or misnamed, or misdirected, or just plain ignored…
And all the fabulous talk of patterns caught my eye — I’m in a somewhat subtle, somewhat possibly dramatic process of changing a mental pattern or two. In fact, it feels so tenuous, so hoped-for, and sometimes so scary since I do not know The Other Side of This Change, that I almost don’t dare claim the pattern-shifting out loud, in case I scare it off and it decides not to materialize.
So, I’m trying to allow my doubts their space without letting them take over & trust just a little bit that opening to openness can never be a bad thing, even though I don’t know for sure how it will change me (for surely it will).
Oh — and speaking of patterns — here is a gwish, if i may: For Havi to come teach some shiva nata over here in the other Portland! It looks like tons of fun — and I love using the physical to sneak past the mental and its monsters.
Maybe I’ll try out a VPA rough draft offline…
Oh, and Kim — you mentioned stars aligning. We have a lunar eclipse on Wednesday. Someone I trust and adore suggests doing at least one thing you truly love and want to do on the day of an eclipse (and the day before and after, if you can fit it in). It’s about setting a new pattern/tone for the months to come. And really — how can you go wrong doing one thing you truly love on any day? You want to be unstuck, and that sounds like a fine starting place to me. Good luck!
I’m trying to imagine the energy from a giant shiva nata class…and wow.
Last week I wanted to get away and get a change of persepective. The easy, obvious way I thought it might happen didn’t at all; but then I randomly got an invite to Los Angeles, and even thought I can’t/don’t want go at the moment it has helped sifting persepctive on the way I look at things I want.
VPA for this week:
– writing 5000 words of novel/diss
– working on ardis logo
– journalling about qualities I want from a job
– getting some awesome and interesting 365 photos
VPAs- not just for Sunday anymore…
This week was a stealth ask around prosperity and being seen. There’s a new monster clamoring for attention.
Big Love to everyone an best wishes for all your VPAs & gwishes.
@Amanda I second your gwish! I would totally make my way up to Portland for a real live shiva class. Doing the vid with a group is great but live would be amazing.
Til next time-