Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
So many wishes this week!
Thing 1: I need things to be easy, fun and magical.
Here’s what I want:
I would like to remember what it’s like when things can be easy, fun and magical.
Because sometimes they can.
This coming week has a HUGE number of wonderful but potentially challenging things.
I’d like to meet them all with grace and presence.
And not just to be able to handle it but to skip down the street in technicolor, singing Life’s a Happy Song like I’m in the muppets movie.
BECAUSE I AM.
Ways this could work:
Taking care of myself first so that I can connect to my internal hum.
Planting the qualities.
Pretending I’m at Rally (Rally!), even though I’m not.
I’ll play with…
Doing some stone skippings.
Investigating the internal rules I have that say big serious things absolutely absolutely always have to be a giant headache. Using Shiva Nata to rewrite these rules in sneaky ways.
Starting the day with the most fun thing I can think of.
Thing 2: Floop!
Here’s what I want:
The Floating Playground sets sail this week! On the DAY OF LEAP!
Which kind of solves my first thing because being onboard the Floop will be like being on Rally every single day. The Floop is basically all-Rally all-the-time. Except online!
My whole crew has been working non-stop for the past six months to get the new ship ready, and the past few weeks we’ve been hauling ass like you would not believe.
These next few days are hugely important.
I want everything to fall into place smoothly. I need the flappers or flippers or whatever the people coming aboard are calling themselves to do SO MUCH conscious entry and really prepare for the voyage.
I need everyone out of my headspace.
Ways this could work:
Now is not then. Now is not then. Now is not then.
I will use what I know now.
I’ll play with…
Being here now.
Wanting what I want.
Asking for what I want.
Strong, clear, loving, flexible, beautiful healthy boundaries.
Thing 3: Now We Are Six!
Here’s what I want:
I’m gearing up for a big month of internal and external anniversaries and celebrations.
And also trying to figure out how to include my community in this as well.
Ways this could work:
I don’t know.
I’m going to have to meditate on it.
I’ll play with…
Being receptive to a variety of ways that this could work.
I can set it up in a way that will be fun for me, instead of worrying about what everyone else likes, wants, thinks is acceptable.
I can find out what I’d do if money and time weren’t issues, and maybe that will give me some clues to follow.
Thing 4: Getting Directives.
Here’s what I want:
The Director and I were talking all the time, and then I got busy with things and we didn’t get to hang out yesterday.
I want to be with her all the time.
Ways this could work:
Connecting to her first.
Interviewing her.
Taking her out to lunch.
I’ll play with…
Remembering that she likes to hold my hand. Asking her to hold my hand.
Thing 5: Next week’s Secret Escape!
Here’s what I want:
I wish to Joyfully Abscond for my birthday week.
Ways this could work:
Oh I have absolutely no idea. In fact, I’m feeling really anxious that it won’t happen.
I’ll play with…
Asking the Director to tell me what and how and when. Now? Now!
Thing 6: Let’s get the first painting party going!
Here’s what I want:
We’re almost ready to paint the new Playground space. I would like to throw the first painting party this coming weekend, but it’s going to require lots of set-up.
Ways this could work:
We could get some information about when the cleaners are coming. The First Mate could give me a YES. We could set up a Frolicsome Bar (facebook) event and invite people.
I’ll play with…
Doing an OOD. Committing to this being a delight-filled experience.
Thing 7: Mission-related. Let’s have EVERYONE happily not being me!
Here’s what I want:
I want to introduce you to two sweet, wonderful, thoughtful and creative people, both of whom are a) named Amy, and b) do not want to be me.
There’s Amy Goetz in Seattle who knows she doesn’t want to be me, and Amy Gutman in Massachusetts who also does not want to be me.
They both came to this important conclusion independently of each other, and yay!
And, thank god, there are lots of other people out in the world who have realized the same thing.
Hurrah! No one should ever want to be me. Or to be Amy. Or the other Amy. Or anyone else for that matter. Trying to channel another person’s genius keeps you from being the conduit for your wisdom/power/qualities.
And it also goes against the mission.
The mission, of course, is to interact with yourself and your stuff in order to get to know how you function and who you are and what you need. So that you can meet yourself and your stuff with sweetness and understanding. And maybe even with LOVE.
We can be inspired by other people and they can be beacons for us. Their light helps us see our light. But our focus is still internal.
I want people to get the mission. Everyone. All the time.
I want everyone to know that THIS is what I care about. That trying-to-be-like-X is painful and tragic and to be avoided at all costs.
You can actually have more of what that person has when you’re in your flow and not trying to access their flow. Does that make sense?
I want people to remember that of course I am always going to support their them-ness. Their endeavors into learning what that is and how that works. I want this to be a given.
And then let’s go beyond defining ourselves in relation to things but just shining our beautiful shining and humming our beautiful hum. Unapologetically. In our own way, without having to know what that is. Just getting quiet and finding out.
Ways this could work:
Planting the seed.
Releasing attachment. Working on my stuff.
I’ll play with…
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted more yoga during Rally and it happened. I did a long practice before the Orientation, and on Toozday and Wednesday nights after the Evening Chicken.
Then we asked for support with grant proposals and two people wrote in with ideas, thank you!
I wanted changes to pirate queen HQ, and have been making steady progress there.
And I silent-retreated the last ask, but there’s movement on that as well.
A good week, all in all. It always helps to ask.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
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So many birthdays! I am celebrating them in my head. Joyously.
What I want #1: A wand, like the ones I had when I was little. I can’t get them out of my head lately, so clearly I need one.
How this could work: This site (http://www.ziponline.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=35&Itemid=2) could be the place to get one, and I could decide on color and size, and order. Or I could stumble upon the perfect one elsewhere, in person or online.
My commitment: To be playful with it! To remember that it’s worth it. To allow the most-fun version of my intuition to guide the way. To be utterly delighted.
What I want #2: I’d like to interact with my self-love letters list, which I’m currently avoiding. Not sure how yet, just know I wanna look at it.
How this could work: I could think of a way to delight my people through the list. Various thoughts could come together in the perfect way.
My commitment: To try to remember to give brain space to this. To allow time for the fun ideas to come.
Sending many waves of my as-yet-not-procured sparkly wand to any asks that need it!
Here’s what I want:
GLEEFUL CREATIVE EASE
Falling in love with this project
Completing this project much magically faster than I think I can
Ways this could work:
I have spent days preparing… I have all the stuff I need, the space is ready, really at this point – it’s not outside of the realm of possibilities to say that it could just work.
I know big projects like this always feel bigger than they are. I could remember that.
I’ll play with:
Making more tea.
Using headphones.
BREATHING.
Permission to do it badly.
Permission to not finish on time.
Permission to not enjoy it.
“I would like to remember what it’s like when things can be easy, fun and magical.”
Oh, YES. I very would like this, too, please! Thanks for giving me the exact words for my own ask-of-the-week.
Hullo!
Yay VPA time. And yay for the upcoming Floop launch and birthdays and painting parties and retreat.
VPA Update
Last week, I asked for peace and quiet and I cancelled 4 appointments after that. The canceling was hard but the quiet today is great.
Also, I asked for inspiration in work. I am still not in love with the work situation but I am reclaiming my spot; I am managing to give the project little twists in my direction.
Ask 1: A packed suitcase
Travel is upon me once again. There are commitments before the travel as usual; I’d love for my suitcase to be a Beacon Of Ease.
Ways it could work – I could pack early. I could do entry and exit. I could release everything not in my control sometime when i step outside.
I will play with these superpowers – permission, joy. bruce wayne boundaries. exit. strenght
Ask 2: A short short mini meeting
Things have been tense with the supervisor. Yet I need to convene with her. I’d like that to be as short as possible.
Ways it could work – I could organize a folder with just a few pages to discuss. I could dress up and pretend to be in character. I could remember the post about the FBI lady . (here – http://fluentself.com//blog/stuff/deadline-oh-really/)
I will play with – Release. I’d love to be able to set better expectations or forget about mean comments but I am not there. So I will play with “the best I can” and recovery and being allowed to feel how I feel.
Ask 3: A safety zone
I’d love for my new room to be a home, a safe zone, a magical space
Ways it could work – perhaps adding some tiny shopping bits here and there. Building a blanket fort. Adjusting the light situation.
I will play with – Wandering. Time. Writing. Paint.
OMG this is all just so awesome. It’s so AWESOME!
Especially the Floop. It’s kind of like a sloop, only a floop.
I’m pretty damn excited about this.
That’s really my Thing 1. And it’s happening this week. YAY!
Thing 2: I want to trust my internal guidance. I want to hear and trust it and go with it. And I also would like to do all that without toxic levels of adrenaline.
And the way this could happen is that I could just remember all of this, and it could just happen.
Past asks
I wanted to bend time, which I described as being like dodging bullets. And I don’t think I bent time, but man, did I ever dodge some bullets! Yes, indeed.
And I wanted to make more connections, possibly with new people, and I did, and that was wonderful!
Super happy to be here. Love to all! YAY for Floating Playground.
1. What I want: I’m having the oddest sense of sculpting myself, inside and out. Of waiting for thing to hatch and grow. Everything feels in flux. To be patient. To not force things, but to learn to wait and see what happens.
What I’ll play with: Writing ideas, things, notions, epiphanies down. But not doing anything with them. Letting things settle. Stretching.
2. What I want: Ease and progress. This week has several things, at work and otherwise, that I’d like to go smoothly. And they each have lots of pieces, and have lots and lots of other people involved.
What I’ll play with: Pathing it forward. Being super prepared, but ready to be flexible. Asking the other people for their ideas on how to make things go easily as well.
3. What I want: to get a good sense of what I’m doing with my body. This year one of my goals is to get a better mind-body connection going on. I’m terrible at NOT doing good things for my body.
What I’ll play with: A talk with slightly future me. Invite metaphor mouse to see if there’s a better way to relate to this. Some flailing and stone skipping to figure out what my patterns are and why – and what can be changed.
Hello hello, VPA time!
First, hurrah and applause Havi for making it through the outage! And second, yay and hurrah and gleeee Havi for Floop (YAY SO HAPPY FOR FLOOP) and Six! And third, so much love to you for the rest.
This was a good Friday and Saturday; thank you, more please. Sunday, though…. No more of that, thanks anyway. Though I keep having to remember that Nothing Is Wrong.
Ooh, ooh, and I have to mention that I got my first VPA courtesy of ClaireP – she provided a good bit of insight into how I judge words as well. Thanks, Claire!
My other VPAs are either ongoing or in a weird space, so I’m going to do some work on them and ask again later.
New VPAs this week:
#1 – More Wild Dreams Please!
For the past 3 days I have been having these berserk dreams which are showing me a lot about my brain. The dreams are also super-creative & lead me down some interesting mental pathways. Thank you, More Please.
Blooms for it:
– I could ensure better sleep.
– I could figure out what is spawning the dreams.
– I could become vastly better at writing them down.
What I’ll Plant:
– I will try to remember to ask for some before bed each night.
– I’ll work on setting up a way for me to write them down.
#2 – Restuffing Emotional Structures
Earlier this week I was having a tough time giving myself permission slips, and fell into an emotional need for which I felt guilty and depressed. I feel really grateful that I was, within a week, able to reconsider what had happened and rearrange my thoughts about it so that an emotional event could be both cathartic and entertaining. Dramatic is GOOD sometimes! 🙂
I called it unstuffing my stuff, and I get to restuff into whatever I want. I also had a dream that referred to structural components. So I’m combining the model and the metaphor, and asking for a way to make this exist. I’d also like to make this unstuffing thing a habit, please, and be able to do it more frequently and with greater ease.
Blooms for it:
– I could invent a ritual for it.
– I could write down what worked in the Book of US.
– My most easily-unstuffed Stuff could present to me in a non-threatening and non-invasive way.
What I’ll Plant:
– I’ll continue to plant gratitude.
– I’ll play with what I’ve already unstuffed.
#3 – More Work on the Book of US
I’ve become, or have been made, aware that the more work I do on the US, the better and easier it is to write. I have been writing in the sense of thinking a LOT about what my story is and teleporting to the Sparklecave as often as I want, but I haven’t been actually Writing It Down… and that’s because of the lack of connection that started when I stopped seeing my therapist. I don’t want to see a therapist just to be in touch with the Selves. I want us to have a really good relationship, all the time.
Blooms for it:
– We could find a good braintime to talk on a regular basis.
– They could become part of the dreams.
What I’ll Plant:
– More safe rooming.
– Better furnishings for the Treehouse.
– I’ll dig up my old description of the place I considered my dream haven.
And goodness, in the middle of writing this we got a really annoying intrusion on our space (oh hi music from upstairs that shakes the glasses in our kitchen cabinets) so I *am* going to ask this again:
#4 – A Better Space
I’ve been doing Space Magic, and it has been working, but there is only so much over which I have control. Our entire Space scenario for the homefront has been about emergency patches and the incongruence of it all is getting to us. We really want to get out now.
Blooms for it:
– I could compose those Space shanties and Proxy it.
– I could Draw On The Threshold to summon it.
– The right Space could just show up.
What I’ll Plant:
– Lots of thanks and psychic hugs to the Space we have now, for being a shelter for the past year.
– Doing the Art of Embarking for the new Space, even if we don’t know what it is.
Loads of love to everyone’s VPAs and hoping for terrific results for all of you.
Goodbye, goodbye VPAtime, and hello to the week to come…
Big excitement about the floating playground and I want to somehow work the word flotilla into it for me [flotillians?] It’s floaty yet silly starting with ‘flot’ like that.
Hmmm, it’s been moons since I did a VPA but this seems like a special week.
How I would like to feel around my deadline this week —
spacious, full of ease, confident
Future me reports–
“that was an awesome week. I’m so glad we did this. I feel great. Oh and the tiara really did help.”
The container [playpen] —
superpower of ‘should banishment’!
bone knowledge that there is enough time.
remembering permanence is pretty illusory.
@Mary – I’m going to have to make a sticky for “Oh and the tiara really did help.”
Here is what is on my mind right now:
Thing 1: The Floating Playgound!
What I want: I keep imagining what it will be like and then telling myself it can’t possibly be that way… but I want it to be full of magic and fun and play and biggification and insights and understandings and movement and singing and dancing and celebrating and, well, stuff like that.
What I will play with:
Letting my imagination reign.
Knowing that what I bring to the Floop will be part of the Floop.
Thing 2: Superpowers!
What I want: The superpowers of knowing what to say and of knowing that everything will be okay.
What I will practice: force fields and sovereignty; giving other people sovereignty.
Thing 3: Grace and Strength and Ease
A thing that I said wouldn’t – or shouldn’t – happen might be going to happen, probably will happen, and I don’t want it to. I want grace and strength and ease to be in it and to cope with it and to get through it.
What I will try:
Setting things up for ease.
Calling on my superpowers.
Using the Magic Basement Stairs and my force field.
Thing 4: Entry into increased work load
The amount of work that I have to do will be increasing over the next few months. In many ways this is a good thing, but it’s also going to be a hard thing. I want to enter it with ease (my theme of the year!) and integrate it into my life without undue stress.
What I will play with:
Creative calendaring.
Blocking out space and time for my needs.
Recognizing when I am “full up” and saying no to keep from being overwhelmed.
VPAs!
Thing One:
Y is happening! And I have been imagining what that will be like for SO LONG. So long, in fact, that I have lots of old ideas about how it will go down from before I knew about challenging my patterns and owning my stuff.
So I would like to bring my relationship with Y into the present time. To notice where I am, and how it is, and what it can be like.
And I would like to spend a lot of time on Y, even though that is scary to the monsters, because it’s not work on my business.
How it could work: I could do a bunch of Shiva Nata and all the elements could slip into place. I could talk to Sassy Future Me, who would likely say something hilarious. I can keep drinking my special tea. I can make a map!
Thing two:
Recharging! With everything going on, I am exhausted. And I’ve taken a couple of days off so I’m on an upswing, energy-wise, but it’s still kind of fragile.
But there is so much to be done! And deadlines.
So I want to continue to recharge while simultaneously getting the things that need doing done.
I also want to know what the things that need doing are, and what things can be left for the future.
How this could work: Shiva Nata to the rescue! Especially if the gentleman will let me borrow his iphone, but there are other ways. I could take a bath. I could make sure, first, that the house is stocked with good food.
Last week:
I asked for work with force fields. That happened in an unexpected way, because I found out about mirrors. But it wasn’t quite what I wanted. I also asked for a wonderful Rally and that happened in the end. And then I asked for sustainable progress on my thing and that definitely happened, especially since I *didn’t* spend all of Rally processing it, but all kinds of things happened anyway.
That’s it for me!
Good wishes for all of you and your VPAs.
Hello Veepers everywhere. Happy wantings!
Thing 1: extreme okay-ness with something that is other to how I wanted it to be.
Silent retreating on the details suffice to say I gambled on somebody being able to be a particular way under particular circumstances and it now appears that they just… can’t. It’s not malicious, they just sincerely do not know how to be [how I wanted them to be] or to understand that it is up to them to find ways to be [whatever] not up to other people to elicit [whatever] from them.
This is hard because they said they would be [_____] and now it appears they can’t and I am sad and scared and disappointed about it at a time I would reeeeeally like for things to have gone according to plan.
I’ll play with: releasing releasing releasing. Receiving what is, not just what isn’t. Dealing with the very immediate moments only, not falling into projections about What It All Means. Taking care of all of us as best I can. Remembering that means taking care of ME first. Absolutely absolutely.
Thing 2: ….
Nope, that’s it for now. Just going to ask for superpowers of okayness. Distilled, essential, POTENT okayness. Everything else is just a standing ask: capacity, things that support capacity and life porpoise.
Yes. Thanks universe. xo
PS: yay Floop is coming! Yay spreading the mission of everyone being their own unique best self! Yay birthdays and anniversaries and spirals and coming back to where we began and knowing the place for the first time and infinity signs and things being the same but different now and delightfulness lalalalalalalalalalaoommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…..
Can I tell you how utterly thrilled I am that Floop is almost here? SO EXCITED! But also MINDFUL! I am MINDFULLY EXCITED!
And I’ll stop yelling. 😉
Anyway, report from last time: I wanted mindful Bolivian-ing. Borrowed a book on Buddhism and Motherhood that helped me feel a LOT better. Wasn’t as mindful as I’d hoped, but sanity was there. I also wanted some balanced productivity. As it turns out, it meant five days of self care and two days of work… which sort of worked, strangely. And finally, I wanted a metaphor for promotion, and that clocked me like a sledgehammer in the best possible way. Yay, VPA!
So this week:
1) Conscious Entry into FLOOP. I want to feel safe and supported and non-judgmental and non-judged when I go in.
Ways this could work: do the embarking stone-skipping. Be happy. Be myself out loud.
My commitment: To explore and not make any huge “things” right off the bat. I’ve got a year. Just smile into it.
2) Finish these book revisions and classes.
Ways this could work: creating containers. Letting my new “writer” loose. Reminding myself I’ve done this.
My commitment: SHowing up to the page.
3) Blog post about the promotion epiphany. I will largely silent retreat on this one… but I do want to do it.
Thanks, guys! 🙂
mmmm, Veeping! like jeeping with less mud.
update: both the short hair and the really big thing are up in the air. but I DID cut 5-6″ off of my hair by MYSELF! (this possibly should not thrill me so much) And it looks pretty cute! and no one noticed. which is testament to 1) wearing hair up ALL THE TIME and 2) I noticed no one noticed, which means I secretly maybe wanted it to be noticed. hmm.
New Veeps!
I want this exploration of power (read sovereignity, assurance, “effectiveness,” possibly Director-ness) to continue in a way that makes me feel alive and not scared.
Play/ways: journal. WRITE pieces for the book of me. play with power in a safe for everyone way – i.e. internally! my body, my creativity. Think of ways I can have power and interact with others without creeping anyone out. Hi, monsters!
I want to click back into a groove again.
Play/ways: see above!
keep acknowledging doors, next steps, and needs consciously. and out loud, if possible. sigh, yawn, force-field… and flow. ideally. remember cycles and not needing to push all the time, while still providing space for awesomeness.
So Thing I Want:
free flowing fiction – i do, i want the words to just fall out of my fingers and onto the page so that way i get further along in my novel. Right now I seem to be writing at a pace of 15,000 words a month. I want to finish my draft by Saint Paddy’s day. So let’s get the word count moving this month.
WTCW: I make the time to write every day. Even if it’s just 100 words. I rest my wrists in between writing times and do other non-computer things. I think about my story and how to get it where it needs to go.
My Commitment:
Finding time to write for at least 10 minutes a day.
Another want – I don’t hate typing like Havi, but I have wrist issues, so I’m going to buy myself dictation software on Monday & a cool headset for my writing. I want it to come quickly and work well and help me develop my story telling voice. And I want the wrist pain to ease up 🙂
What I want:
For my trip to Chicago to be GREAT. Specifically, I don’t want to be sick (there are some signs today), or at least not sick enough to get in the way of the enjoyment. I want to balance conference activities, touristy activities, alone time, and friend time in such a way as to maximize my trip. I’m scared about the friend thing. I bet my trip will be more enjoyable if spent with friends, but I worry my friends won’t want to do the same things as me or will want to do them at times that don’t work for me. I also don’t want to get mugged. Sorry, Chicago, if I am stereotyping you as a city where people get mugged. I hope you are warm and friendly.
Ways this could work:
My friends could want to do some of the same things as me. My friends could have even better ideas for what we should do then I currently have. I could do some things alone, some things with friends. I can just go with the flow and not get too attached to my own plans. I could…oh, I don’t know, I just want everything to magically fall into place!
I’ll play with:
I’ll try to do at least one conscious entry/preparing for the voyage type thing tomorrow.
What I want:
A roommate for next year. Which is to say, someone who will pay rent on time, wash their dishes and keep things reasonably clean, not smoke, not hold noisy parties too frequently, and generally be amiable and someone I can get along with. Woman preferred.
Ways this could work:
I can post on craigslist. Facebook. That wall in that building. Email the MFA. The trouble is, you never know if someone will click with you as a roommate until you are actually there living with them. So I somehow want the right person to be attracted to my living situation and for me to then choose this person. Universe, please send me a good roommate!
I’ll play with:
Advertising in the above ways. Doing a ritual.
Aaah VPAing! I’ve been doing so much asking this week that it feels mildly painful.
Anyhow, update on last week’s asks:
Thing 2: The essay.
– Did not do the essay, but figured out what the stuck was about. And managed to do a bit of other schoolwork.
Thing 4: For The Bunny Arrangement to materialize.
– I have done the stuff necessary for this. It is now not in my hands. Waiting.
Thing 5: feeling grounded
– This. This actually happened. Which surprised the crap out of me. In a good way. In a lovely, wonderful, awesomeness shooting out of my a** kinda way. And I met slightly-future-me too!
Thing 6: To change my address
– Forgot about this in all the finding-a-new-place-to-live deal.
—
This week’s asks:
Thing 1: More groundedness, please!
– Crazy-busy week ahead, with more house-hunting, lots of assignment deadlines, 2 exams and a research project due. I want to remain grounded through all of this, because I can do it if I remain grounded.
Ways this could work:
– Yoga in the mornings
– Meditation for sleep at night
– Healthy meals
– Exercize, maybe?
Things I’ll play with:
– Permission to feel stressed and freak out if necessary.
– Permission to feel scared.
– Permission to take the time to cook for myself and feed myself, even when monsters say there is no time.
– Permission to *not* take care of myself, if that is what feels doable.
Thing 2: A job for the summer
– This was part of last week’s asks but I didn’t get to it. I want a good job though, one in which I am respected and that does not involve contributing to the corporate/neo-liberal capitalist machinery.
Ways this could work:
– I could ask my Guardians to put feelers out, to point me to people or agencies or things that help with this sort of thing.
– I could parse the qualities of a job that I really want and narrow my search that way.
Things I’ll play with:
– Permission to be scared, again.
– Permission to feel overwhelmed.
– Fractal flowering this.
Thing 3: Finalization on the place-that-might-be-perfect.
– Last week, I asked for a cheap, safe, child-friendly place to live. I’ve been working on this all week, unfortunately to the detriment of my schoolwork that has gone neglected. However, I think I might have found the perfect place. Or at least, the pool of people that can help me find the perfect place. What I’m looking for seems just so very slightly out my budget, but it just might be doable.
Ways this could work:
– I could keep doing what I’m already doing.
– I could ask more of my lovely people.
Things I’ll play with:
– Permission to be scared of asking people.
– Permission to turn down places if they do not feel congruent.
– Permission to feel upset, overwhelmed.
– Permission to cry.
– Permission to feel wonderfully strong and grounded *along with* all the feelings of overwhelm.
There was this thing that Havi wrote in one of the posts a while back. I pasted it to a sticky note, because it resonated with me. It is this:
“All of this blah-blah-practical-blah is taking you away from what you know. It’s not your practical knowing. Your practical knowing says that there are countless ways to make it work, and you will choose the one that is right for you. And if it isn’t fun, you’ll choose the next one.”
(from here: http://fluentself.com//blog/stuff/trusting-my-instincts/)
This idea seems to have… landed. It makes all the wanting possible. In a real way.
Hand-on-heart sighs for everyone’s wants 🙂
VPAs Yay!
VPA #1: continuing the silent retreat on this one. but talking about it with friends, holding it in my mind and heart.
And I used to VPA about my cat, since she was all hiding and stuff, but now she’s so fun and weird and funny. She sits on a chair across from me in the evenings when I’m lounging on the couch. She crawls under the covers to sleep by my feet (and attack them) at night. She squeaks and mews in the mornings or when I come home. She is, in short, the best cat that I’ve ever known!
I got my three things! Already! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I have a few big, heavy asks rattling around inside, and I’ve decided to fractal flower them with something lighter.
Here’s what I want:
There’s a big, empty space on my bedroom wall that I would love to fill with some beautiful, inspiring new art. I would love it even more if it could be filled with some art created by someone connected to the world of the Fluent Self! It might take me a while to save the money for this, but I have a birthday coming up in June. I’m playing with possibilities, and with the desire for a work of art that lights me up inside, that I can see first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
Ways this could work:
I am open to suggestions! I’ll explore the big, wide Internet, and I’d also be delighted if some of the people who read this VPA would send me links and suggestions.
I’ll play with:
Dreams of joy and expansion. Also, crystals. Why not? They’re pretty!
@Esme If you would like reassurance, I live in Chicago and find it to be a very warm and friendly city! And if reassurance is not useful for you right now, feel free to ignore this! 🙂
Yay VPAs! 🙂
Thing 1
Here’s what I want:
Messages in bottles! To send them!
Ways this could work:
I could release expectations of responses to the messages I send. Because they’re messages in bottles, there is no way of knowing how or when or if they will be received!
I’ll play with:
Metaphor Mouse! As I was writing this I suddenly realized that “messages in bottles” is the perfect metaphor for the letters and emails and such that I want to send! I already feel the stucknesses around this dissolving!
Thing 2
Here’s what I want:
To give myself permission to search for treasure!
Ways this could work:
I skipped a stone the other day, and it told me the treasure was at the Floating Playground! So I will look for clews!
I’ll play with:
The Art of Embarking! Conscious entry! Perhaps more stone skipping…
Writing these VPAs has made me feel especially full of possibility and excitement! Which is awesome because I have been in the midst of much stuckness the past few days! Hooray for VPAs! 🙂
*blowing bubbles for everyone’s wants and asks*
@Corie Cool. tiaras seem to have a way about them, virtual or actual.
I would like: to regularly get up and do a simple stretch or two whenever I am sitting on my not particularly comfortable chair in front of the computer.
How this could work: I could sit straighter, and let any slumping remind me that I want to stretch. I could just pop up at random intervals. I could let the beginning of pain remind me, even if that seems to happen awfully quickly and I feel like I would become a jack-in-the-box.
Things I will play with: I am setting the intention that I want to stretch more, and will see where it goes from there.
Ahhh, just finished reading everyone’s VPAs and relaxing into the warm bathishness of it all.
Lovely surprise yesterday to find that Havi had linked to my blog post about those wacky moments when I find myself thinking that I should be someone else (which in this case happened to be Havi). Also loved reading the post by another Amy (also linked) on the same topic.
During a foray in Buddhist meditation land some years back, I had an insight that’s stayed with me, which was: “The mind that’s inclined to turn against itself is amazingly resourceful.” Which is relevant here because I noticed how quickly I can move from the thought of wanting to be someone else to the judgment that this is (I am) BAD for wanting that, which (of course) only leads to more sad and more suffering.
Alternate (happier, more easeful) scenario: Befriend & investigate & find the hidden treasure. Which in this case was a new appreciation for PLAYFULNESS and thoughts about how to bring more of it into my life. (Love Havi’s formulation above: I need things to be easy, fun and magical.)
And now, in that spirit, on to VPAs:
The thing: During the past week have been mulling over what superpowers might come in handy at this particular life juncture. This is what came to mind:
The Superpower of Yum! (appreciating, savoring, embracing, opening–all qualities that Fluent Self-land is really helping me tap into)
The Superpower of Snooze (not exactly sure what this is yet (maybe a fun, easy kind of calm & restfulness?) but I think it will tell me more).
The Superpower of Deflection (which came up in connection with a conversation about which I will Silent Retreat for now, but as a result, I was delighted to meet Deflection Girl. She has a beautiful crystal shield.
I’ll play With: Paradoxes–
Softening while also becoming tougher and more translucent (crystal shield!)
Opening completely to how things are while also opening to how they might be different.
Mmmmmm. That’s all for now. Glad to be here. Glad you are here.
xx
A deep sigh, and wishing good things for everyone’s VPAs.
Here is what I want: deep sleep, rest, recovery and restoration tonight.
Ways this could work: I could take a sip of water, turn off the phone and do deep breathing as I drift off into the dreamland. My Bolivian could decide to cooperate.
I’ll play with: switching the phone off even if it means I would not know the time. Tapping acupressure points and doing a mudra. Conscious breathing.
It’s Thursday, but the end of February was like a separate week unto itself. So, hello, New Week (That Is the Rest of This Calendar Week). I could use some help…
The main thing: I’d like to enjoy completing project A.
Ways this could work:
*
waiting roomplaypen? yard? meadow? park? for herd of urgency badgers* treat it as (sanctioned, time-limited, and thus incredibly safe) vacation from other priorities and tugs?
* lots of tea
* reward self at end of each section with a sketching or filing or postcard writing break? (i.e., reassure urgency badgers that they’re still within my field of vision)
I’ll play with:
* having a copy of this VPA in my in-box
* having a notebook nearby for badger observation
* ponder alternative lens for same
Gwishes:
* ease, comfort, and progress for my loves with their Things
* good weather when I’m on the roads, and less rain until we can get our roof fixed
Wishing everyone a wonderful until-the-next-VPAs.