Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
95!
We’re getting really close to one hundred consecutive weeks of VPA-ing with Very Personal Ads.
Ideas for how to celebrate?
I will start pre-emptively running around and cheering. Possibly also with balloons.
Thing 1: Chalkboard!
Here’s what I want:
Last week I redecorated and generally re-everything-ed the Toy Shop at the Playground, so that it would feel loved and adored and look beautiful and sparkly.
And now we need a chalkboard.
Chalkboard!
Ideally in time for Rally (Rally!)
Ways this could work:
I could find one on Craigslist.
One of you might have a suggestion. Or maybe one of my readers in Portland has one or knows someone who does.
My commitment.
To buy colorful chalk and yell CHALK!
To appreciate this new piece of the Playground and everything it represents.
To enjoy this period of transformation as much as I can, even as it involves working through a lot of my stuff.
Thing 2: Help and support with resolving a painful pattern.
Here’s what I want:
I’ve been encountering a lot of old hurts and stucknesses, especially as they relate to business and growth.
And it’s time to let go of a series of internal rules about how WORKING is supposed to function. I’d like this to happen with as much ease and grace as is possible.
Ways this could work:
Let’s see.
Writing. Flailing the flail to make new connections.
Talking to monsters. Bringing out the Moderators.
Consulting Slightly Future Me.
And doing old Turkish lady yoga, of course.
My commitment.
To be curious and patient.
To ask warm, loving questions without attachment to one answer or another.
To remember that one day this stuff won’t have any hold over me. I will be done with it, and working with other patterns and other pain.
Thing 3: Someone I need to forgive.
Here’s what I want:
There’s some forgiveness that needs to happen and I am not in the mood. Yet.
So I’d like some ease and relief with that.
I don’t know if actual progress will happen or not, but I’m working on it.
Ways this could work:
I can make lists of how now is not then.
Maybe do some work with metaphors.
Make space for possibility.
My commitment.
I don’t have to go directly into the pain. It is always okay to dance around the edges.
Lots and lots of safe rooms for me!
Thing 4: Confidence!
Here’s what I want:
We have dates to film some Shiva Nata video. And I have been feeling… bashful and extremely camera-shy.
It would be really great if this could start shifting.
Ways this could work:
The pink wig, of course! Everything is better with a pink wig!
Lots of gentle testing the waters. Nothing formal. Nothing set in stone.
Just curious, inquisitive, investigative practice to find out what I need to feel comfortable doing this.
My commitment.
To try things.
To laugh.
To give myself a million permission slips.
To not rush any of this.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted progress on making a Shiva Nata FAQ and got so ridiculously stalled that it’s clear there is Underlying Stuff there.
So I’m going to have to rethink that ask and investigate some more. I wonder if it needs a new metaphor? Possibly.
Then I wanted a spectacularly great class with the roller derby team that I sponsor, and it was. They’re all shivanauts now!
Also I wanted to write up notes from a bunch of things, and nope, that didn’t happen either. Again, I think there are some symbolic factors at work that are worth exploring, and that’s some of what this week’s asks are about.
And I wanted to rewrite the Rally page for Rally (Rally!) and that’s where all this old pain stuff started coming from. So I’m glad I asked, because now I’m getting to do a lot of clearing-out of old gunk. Ahahahaha. It’s good timing.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
The word “manifest”. To be told how I should be asking for things. To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Much love for your gwishes! So happy to have you doing this with me.
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I love chalkboards!
And colorful chalk! weeeeeeee!
Can’t wait for the rally!
(ok, noticing quite a few exclamation points)
One idea for a chalkboard is to paint a wall with chalkboard paint.
Here is a link showing different ways to use chalkboard paint and different brands that carry it: http://bit.ly/kvl3rQ
Can’t wait to see the playground!
eeek, am I the first one? that’s a little scary, especially because I’ve never done this in public before.
oh, there are so, so many things I feel like I am wanting this week, it feels overwhelming.
1: Some kind of resolving of a situation without a speck of involvement from the other person in the situation.
I need to let go of the outcome of a situation, and the hope of ever getting an explanation for it, and find out a way through it. I am not there now, and I don’t know how to get there by myself, so I need *help*!
My commitment:
-well… I finally ordered the Shiva Nata dvd (YAY!) and it is shipping right now, so I’m hoping that will help me figure something out about this.
-to allow for possibilities that I can’t imagine right now.
-to try to rewrite the story… maybe.
2: A car that gets vastly better gas mileage than the one I am currently borrowing until that one appears.
My commitment:
-to keep my eyes and ears open and keep telling everyone I know that I need this.
-to keep up gentle pressure on the person who is supposed to helping me find one.
3. Help with money issues
-work has dried up lately.
My commitment:
-to keep telling people that I’m looking for work
-to be open to new and different job options that I haven’t thought of yet.
-to not spend what I do have until I see some light at the end of the tunnel
-to begin to think of the *possibility* of setting up an etsy store.
…and there are so many more I could write. But if I start with those three, it would ease up some worries and fears so that I might be able to work with some of my other things differently.
p.s. I was going to suggest chalkboard paint too! you could have an entire wall! or paint table tops and let people draw all over them….
I’m so glad I’m back, I really missed this site, you havi and the commenter mice the last few weeks.
The Ask: I would like to transfer as much of the ease and love I learned and experienced the last few weeks walking the Camino de Santiago into my regular life. So that I can start building a life that I am wildly excited about getting up for in the morning.
How this could work: Lots of time and loving attention. I don’t need to rush this.
I can talk this out with people I trust and who won’t clobber me with their interpretation and their shoulds about my experiences.
I could write about it and figure out the triggers and situations that made the walking such a lovely experience.
My commitment: To allow time and space for this and to consciously be idle and not fall into my old Internet surfing ways if nothing happens.
No ideas for your chalkboard but hugs on the painful pattern.. having one of them myself.
Such a stressful weekend. By Thursday, my dissertation will be in and thus, 40% my entire degree done. No pressure 😛
So, last time.. i wanted dissertation coursework progress, but gently. this half happened.
No news on shivanata students; but i met up with a fellow shivanaut!! had a fab time 🙂
And i asked for Sleep; in a gentle way.. because i’d been asking for sleep a lot and ended up crashing.. but all this week ive woken before my alarm and got up between 7:30 and 8:30am.. which beats crashing at 3am and waking at 11.
So hooray!
This week, all I care about is getting my dissertation in and feeling good about it. Feeling happy with it.
I’m aiming to finish my introduction by 10am and email it to a couple of my friends to proofread. Hoping i can wake by 8am to do this.
Ways this could work:
Shivanata.
Early night tonight.
Plans.
Tea.
My commitment.
To work.
To watch robin hood.
To take some slow breaths.
To accept any help offered.
Perhaps big clear balloons with three little balloons instead, each with V P or A written on them in glitter ink? Ooo, just the thought of it is making me smile.
Update from last week. Haven’t really made much progress on the photographic collaborator front, but I have spoken my idea out loud to a couple of people who agreed that it was a good idea. And that counts. Work on the presentation is going well – finding ways to make it more fun, more do-able. And the shoot with Russ was great – definitely the best shoot I’ve done with anyone yet, had a great time, got some fantastic images and he gave me tons and tons of encouragement about modelling. So…this week.
VPA #1. Ease and flow. My favourite twins. I would like this week to be infused with – from the small to the big and everywhere in between. I am calling you to stand and move with me.
How I can use to bring you into my life:
– I can take a few minutes to think about you, to welcome you into my life
– I can make room for you, for your promptings and your happenings
– I can consider trusting that you will show up
– I can listen to any resistence I have about you, about having you work your magic in my life
I commit to:
– listening to you, even if it’s not what I think I want to hear
– yeah, that considering trust thing again
– believing
VPA #2: Oh deadline, I want to meet you, and I want it to be full of ease and flow. And also enjoyment and satisfaction of a job well done. I want to clearly show all the hard work I’ve done in the last few months. I want the presentation and report finished by the end of the week.
How I can finish you and still enjoy it:
– Carry on using the chicken board and breaking things down into small and do-able and hopefully fun steps
– Call on the magic of shiva nata
– Set myself daily goals – I can go and do this is an note in evernote right now
I commit to:
– remembering the things that make you do-able – coloured pens, big sheets of paper, dancing, drinking water, plenty of breaks
– honouring the bit of me that is a little freaked out after all that went wrong with the last submission. It’s ok to worry and perfectly normal. Let me build you a worry room.
They seem to get longer every week!
Sympathy on the painful pattern. I’m dealing with one of my own. Here’s to joyous unraveling!
Update on last time!:
I wanted help with my little language-learning problem. I didn’t even think about it until today, when the whole thing unraveled. More unraveling to do, but progress is being done. I wanted some insight into how I rest, and I realized I’m one of those active resters. So, great progress there. I wanted to get some clothes and jewelry, and we got signed up for some programs that’ll let us get things cheaper. And finally, I wanted more time outside, and I’ve been taking lots more walk. Very happy.
This week!
Thing 1: The continued unraveling of the language problem
What I would like: For Shivanata and Revue and the Book of Me to come to my aid and help me figure this out.
Ways this could happen:
I could do Shivanata.
I could read AJATT and Benny for tips, tricks, and techniques.
I could bounce on my trampoline until it’s all fun.
My commitment:
To use emergency calming techniques whenever I need them.
To play and be curious and loving.
Thing 2: Systems
What I would like: There are a bunch of things in my life That are needing some systems. I’d like to ease and play in helping to bring those about.
Ways this could happen:
Shivanata!
Bouncing!
Chocolate!
Chai!
My commitment:
To bounce and play to my heart’s content whenever I want to.
Thing 3: For things which clicked to stick.
What I would like: A bunch of changes happened this week. I’d like them to stay around.
Ways this could happen:
I could remind myself of what those changes were and why I love them.
I could put a permanent reminder up.
My commitment:
To be as loving and accepting as I can without being icky.
CHALK!! I so love the idea of a big chalkboard. 🙂 it’s been a little while since I vpa’d, but here goes:
Thing 1: Give a f*ck. (But a nice, controlled, sustainable one.)
I’ve slumped a bit into “don’t give a f*ck” and I’d like to back into “giving” mode. It’s a cycle I have – give too much of a f*ck, burn out, give not one f*ck, get nothing done, panic, rinse, repeat. I would like to have a less bipolar relationship with my life. 😉
Ways This Could Work: No idea really. Maybe I could try to find inspiration in blogs and photographs or I could do some visualization.
My Commitment: To not force it and to not make things that should be fun into “work.” To nap, because I’m certain that my energy levels and restfulness are directly related to the amount of f*ck I give. 🙂
Thing 2: My Eye to Stop Twitching.
We’re on day 8 of the annoying twitch in my right eye. I know that this a common thing with no real cause or cure – but it’s driving me crazy and I want it to stop. How many days do I let this go on before I go to the doctor? Will the muscles above my right eye bulk up, making one eye awkwardly bigger than the other? Can other people see it? Is this related to the involuntary tremors that run in my family, and therefore it’s only going to get worse?
Ways this could work: I could email my doctor for suggestions. I could take a lot of naps and avoid stress. I could quit coffee this week (which I’ve been trying to do for a month) and avoid all stimulants.
My commitment: To remember that these things tend to work themselves out, if I just let them. To use this as a reminder that I need to pay attention to my body and all it’s little signals about what I need (rest, nutrition, more rest).
What I want: A perfect, simple solution to a problem that’s been worrying me for quite some time. Also, I’d love to be able to feel calm and confident while I’m in the process of working on a solution.
Ways this could work: I can spend time remembering that other people’s stuff is not my stuff, and does not have to hurt me. I can talk to my monsters about the Outcomes of Doom they’ve been predicting. I can ask questions. I can ask for help. I can love myself, whatever the outcome.
My commitment: To protect and support myself. To give myself credit for my courage in every step I take.
Been a while since I’ve posted a VPA! But it feels good to be back…
What I want: destuckifying. I have several projects that are acting like the three stooges trying to get through a door at the same time, and getting stuck. I would like them to go through one at a time, and shut the door behind them.
How this could happen:
I could pick one out of a hat and give the other two toys to play with until I escort the first out.
I could see if they can choose among themselves.
I could see what happens.
My commitment:
to take it easy on flu-ridden self.
To at least look at and perhaps hold each thing each day.
To drink lots of water and picture the door closed.
I love when a VPA is preemptively answered. Apparently future me (or way past me?) wished for a restorative yoga class that was billed as being 1.25 hours long but was really 2 hours long, but it didn’t matter because I was lying on my mat with my eyes closed the whole time and wouldn’t have noticed a clock anyway. And then there was the bonus head and shoulder massage at the end. Thank you which ever me ordered that!
Also would like: gentle movement forward on the Bikini Roto. I’ll do my part by getting the attache to the Attache, and she’ll do her part by being brusk yet talented. And I’ll deliver the other documents on the Seekrit Mission she has said I must do on my own. She must have great faith in me and know that I can handle this with aplomb. And perhaps a plum.
Also: Safety for my Mission. Which of course lives in my brain and my body. And involves moving my feet and hands and leaning into the discomfort. And noticing and accepting all of my thoughts and feelings. And not trying to manage anything.
Also: The right arm pain with the hurt finger? I’d like that to go. If I need a message from it, I’d like to get the message soon so it can leave. If I need more acupuncture and massage I’d like word from the Attache about whether there are funds for that.
Also: Love. A best earthly companion.
Havi, I love that you want a chalkboard and not a dry-erase board. I taught a class in someone’s dining room, and there was a chalkboard that was a piece of drywall he had painted with chalkboard paint, and I used sidewalk chalk to write on it. It was a great class.
Miss P: what you said! “So that I can start building a life that I am wildly excited about getting up for in the morning.” YES!
Not much progress on my VPAs from last week, but I’m realizing that there is a lot of stuckness related to those asks.
This week:
Thing 1: Courage and support and fun with my new thing.
What I want:
This is my tiny sweet thing. I set up a blog for a “virtual trip” to Scotland because my sister who really wants to go there can’t. A few years ago we took a virtual cruise – an imaginary trip – in the Mediterranean, and it was a hoot. I thought it would be fun to share it with other people, get them to contribute stories and make up adventures. I’ve written a few posts but it really launches this week, and I’m way more nervous about this than I thought I would be.
I’m gathering up my courage. I need to remember why this is fun. I need to stop anticipating the shoes that haven’t been thrown.
I still need to learn how to do some things on wordpress so it will look cool.
Ways this could work:
I could just relax about it and play.
I could remember why this is fun.
I could wear a pink wig. Wait, I don’t have one! Okay, I could get one!
Everyone who reads this could visit my blog and help make up adventures. (Wow! That was hard to ask. I mean, what if people don’t get it? What if they throw shoes? What if no one responds?)
People could wander in some other way.
I don’t know.
My commitment:
To be playful.
To be curious about Scotland and what * might * happen.
To let people know about it so they can play with us.
Thing 2: The Other stuff I still need to do.
What I want:
I want to not neglect the important other things that I have going on.
The period of this trip, and the few days remaining before it actually starts, are going to be pretty intense, requiring lots of time on the computer and lots of research. I will be pretty easy to just focus on that.
There are things that I can let go for a while – I have three pretty lengthy “research things” inspired by my last museum trip – and a novel I’m not working on anyway, and a bunch of other unfinished creative things. But I also have gardening and yardwork and house-related stuff that really needs to be done now, in the spring, because, you know, it’s spring.
Ways this could work:
I could set blocks of time for doing the various important things.
I could ask my husband and my brother to remind me and also to help me figure out each day’s most important things and when I’ll do them.
I could make a star chart and give myself stars for the blog and the yard and the house and the other things that I don’t want to neglect.
The fun and excitement of one thing could energize me to do other things.
My commitment:
To remember.
To encourage myself.
To be gentle and curious.
Wishing love and support and destuckifying to everyone.
I love chalkboard paint. Had that idea the minute I read about getting a chalkboard. However, beyond painting a wall with the paint, how about a door, or a little chest, or a big piece of board – plywood or masonite – so it’s portable? I think it would be fun to write with chalk on a chest, or even a table top! Much play to be had by all!
I still have my same gwish –
Healing from the splat of December 2010. Still isn’t complete. May not ever –
I will continue with PT exercises.
I will listen to wonderfully soothing, healing music from Fabeku and Deuter, and so many others whose inspirational music is so beautiful. (Many of them use singing bowls and native american flutes – love those sounds!)
I will keep creating art as much and as often as possible.
I will give myself permission to get as much rest as my body says it needs.
What I want: My state disability monies to arrive this week so I can go to the shivanata teacher training.
How this could work: They could just come. I could call and gently prod the bureaucracy to see what’s up (‘cept I hate calling those types of places).
My commitment: To stay hopeful. To maybe make that call. To flail for other possible magical monies showing up at my doorstep.
Ooh! Chalkboard! 😀 I love the idea of chalkboard paint, but then again, maybe you don’t want to paint your own? So I thought, maybe etsy has chalkboards, and then I found this cute vintage framed chalkboard by LookingGlassGarden (http://www.etsy.com/listing/71865018/creamy-vanilla-blue-vintage-chalkboard). So maybe etsy if not DIY?
@MissP – Ah! you just got back from Camino de Santiago? I’ve been dreaming of making that trek for years now… was it fabulous and amazing (and probably full of it’s own sorts of hard, too)? I’m envious, but in a very happy for you kind of way 😉
My VPA’s for the week:
Thing 1: Ease and space in my new home… I’ve moved (again?!), this time into the home of my wonderful love. It’s all happened rather fast, and while it’s amazing and fabulous and full of happiness… it’s also a whole new space, and a change of everything! Plus, it’s out in the middle of nowhere (ok, not REALLY, but closer to nowhere than I’ve ever lived!) so I’m feeling really isolated. And loving living with my love, but also feeling oddly “needing to get away and have my own space!!!”
How this could work:
I could journal (lots and lots and lots)
I could take walks in my lovely new outdoors
I could sit with the new house, and ask it to welcome me
I could sit with myself and ask me what I need
My commitment:
To do all of the above. To give myself permission to run away and freak out when I need to. To tell my love that I love him, and the freaking out is nothing personal. To scream into a pillow if I think it will help. To bounce on my trampoline, and tramp through the woods, and lay on my back in the grass. To flail the mad flailing.
Thing 2: Playful blogging!
I’ve made a commitment to post something new on my blog every day this month. I would like this to happen in a fun manner, and not in an “oh god, I have to post something today?! arrrgggghhh!” kind of a way.
How this could work:
I could make a game out of posting
I could give myself permission to post stupid stuff, so that I don’t stress so much over the posting
I could give myself permission to post old stuff that was written ages ago, on days when I just can’t think of anything new
If I’m feeling really inspired, I could write more than one post, and schedule the extras for another day!
My commitment:
To remind myself that this is for me. To step away if it’s getting too stressful. To bounce and flail and walk and drink tea, and just generally find ways to worry less about it. to breathe!
Thing 3: I would also love it very much if other people would read my posts, and possibly comment on them. I would like my blog to be a place of community, but a community of just me feels sad and lonely 🙁
How this could work:
I could actually tell people about it!
I could ask them to comment, to join the conversation
It just could, dammit!
My commitment:
To share the link to my blog (WonderlandLife Coaching)
To share with friends when I have a new post
To not take it personally if nobody shows up or comments
To remember that it’s not really about me, and it’s ok for people to not comment
To thank people who do show up and comment, and let them know how much it means to me!
Oh my gosh! I’m being brave and doing my SECOND VPA in a row. Eek!
What I want: I just booked my flights for an extended trip to Seattle and Portland in September, specifically for the purpose of taking people’s photos in those places. Now I need to tell those people I’m coming and see if they still want photos, and also see if anybody else might want photos then.
How this could work: I could email the people who asked. I could tell other people I’m coming, but not in a pushy way. I could tell my Northwest friends to alert their friends. People could be super excited about my photography stuff.
My commitment: To think about how to give even more loving attention to my photo sessions and the beautiful clients who participate in them. To send the emails, or at least think about sending them. To consider adding to or rewriting my photo page.
Progress since last time: I asked for progress on my website redesign, and I totally got it. Colored pencils were very much involved. I also asked for a first draft of the essay I was writing, and that came right out after some quality flailing.
A very happy week to everyone!
Hmm, I’ve a suggestion chalkboard wise, though this might not work for you. I purchased some stick on, re-positionable chalkboard wall clings, which are 9″x12″ and come in a pack of four, from Paper Source on 23rd in Portland. They still have them on their website, so they might be in stock. I find they work nice & you can put them in any configuration you like, not just have a large rectangle and less permanent than paint. http://ow.ly/4KW6U
I loved visiting Portland, by the way. A return trip is in order at some point.
I have to think some more about a VPA.
Cheers.
Hi fellow VPAs!
Here’s what I’m asking for this week:
Thing 1. The courage to write the about page on my website and press the publish button.
Having the amazing idea for my business and beginning has just brought up so many monsters! This is really putting myself out there in ways that scare me. But I so want to do this and I’m 100% committed!
Ways this could happen
– i could just DO IT! Today. Even if it’s (gasp) not Perfect!
My commitment
To be gentle with myself – this is bringing up so much STUFF
To come back here next week and post the published site address.
I keep seeing the chalkboard wall paint in magazines and it is so cool. With colored chalk.
I am new to VPA’s, but am working them into my morning routine. YAY!
So, for this week….
That I continue to make progress in reducing my panic and anxiety attacks. That this morning’s surprise break-though insight continues to help.
That I make progress with the projects I have been procrastinating, largely due to panic and anxiety attacks that suck all my energy. And because I put my animals first, which won’t change :-).
How this could happen: I keep up the internal energy work that led to my intuitive insight. Freedom from this issue could free up tons of time and energy.
I remember to actively push carried energy that is not mine out of my force field. Especially shame that does not belong to me, but to others. I am getting this carried energy is the root of my panic attacks. Hmmmm….. Boundaries!
Remembering there are no magic fixes. One step at a time. Kindness for myself.
Remembering to ground my energy and breathe. To maintain and honor my space bubble. To not worry about being perfect, but to gently find my way back when I get lost in my stuff.
Chalkboard paint really works- it just needs a few coats and, it comes in lots of colors. I have a table top covered in red and a wall in blue.
VPAing now…
Pleez can I get rid of this cough? I’m on the verge of a doctor visit cause this has been going on way too long.
Ways this could work:
Actually call and then go to the doctor
Be nicer to myself about it all
My commitment:
To not let the cough and general feeling of yuck get all my attention, but not ignore it either.
Chalk is special to me because of the scene in Mary Poppins where they jump into a chalk sidewalk picture. If I had a Playground I’d be tempted to put chalkboard paint or a stick-on chalkboard on part of the floor, so people could draw their own worlds and jump into them. Or draw things they’d like to bring into this world. In the Mary Poppins books things like fruit and flowers can be plucked out of chalk drawings as well.
Thing 1 for me: Keeping my job
Here’s what I want:
I’m on trial at work – I have to show a substantial improvement in the next 3 days to avoid getting fired. I’ve been doing a lot of Shiva Nata and soulsearching about this over the weekend (though I feel bad that I didn’t spend as much of the weekend on it as I wanted to.)
Ways this could happen:
Taxis to work to get there early every day.
Love, love, love my inner child. And talk to her.
Pray, pray, pray.
Remember that I’m not going to get revenge for things that happened to me as a child.
Remember that change is not death, and flowing with the change is not giving in and getting my spirit broken.
Use my destuckification techniques.
Get as much support as possible from my buddies.
More Shiva Nata.
Thrash it out with my counsellor tomorrow.
Keep trying to make the time to watch Mary Poppins!
My commitment:
Book my taxis today. I’ll probably resist, so maybe do it as a Secret Spy Mission.
Updates on past VPAs:
I haven’t watched Mary Poppins.
No progress on biggifying my Godblog other than mentioning it here. Trouble getting over worries that what I’m writing isn’t good enough, I’m not close enough to God, I’m not praying enough, etc etc.
I was also going to recommend the chalk paint with a couple coats of magnetic paint underneath it for good measure (magnetic chalk boards are awesome, right?)
good luck on the confidence and patterns things.
Also, something I’ve noticed doing these and the “hello day” thing is that I have issues admitting that I actually want things. It’s hard for me to think of what I actually want, but then once I get writing or talking there’s a whole flood of things. Getting started though is like pulling teeth. I think that I have this whole thing in my head
Thing # 1 – courage for tonight with telling the grandparents about my plans to go back to school…
Ways this could work:
I hope that I can just mention it casually and grow the idea in their heads slowly so they will be on board with it.
They could be on board with the idea
I could pretend I am acting in a play and however it goes just pretend like i’m an improv artist to deal with it.
My Commitment: to try to get the words out before i leave their house tonight.
Oh, V to the PA, how I love thee…. 🙂
@Jillian — you nailed it! I want to give a fuck too!
Thing 1: Easy Events-around-Graduation Planning
Somehow 18 years went by while I wasn’t noticing and now my awesome kid is graduating from high school…? His Dad and I have been divorced forever, but somehow still manage to get on one another’s nerves occasionally. This week we need to finalize plans for graduation brunch/parties. I would like that to be easy.
And maybe even fun — it is a celebration!
Ways this could happen:
– The event planning fairy could handle it.
– The part of me who doesn’t get triggered by ex-husband and his wife could do the planning.
– I could spend some time figuring out what is important to me about these events, what do I really want to make it special? And I could somehow force my kid to talk about what he would really like.
– I could break it down into smaller tasks so it doesn’t seem to huge.
My committment:
I can let the strong, non-triggerish side of me handle the party planning. I can take some time to figure out what will make it special. I can relax and remain flexible. I can insert a little playfulness into it.
Thing 2: Momentum, dammit!
I think I asked for this last week, and maybe the week before. Anyway, still stuck re: my *thing*. Doubts creeping in. Sense of futility. Not sure what to do next. All the great momentum I had seems to have stopped cold when Mom’s brain tumor issue came up and I haven’t been able to get it back. I would like it back. I would like excitement about my *thing*. I would like some progress.
Ways this could happen:
– Do some journalling/talk to my monsters about this “feeling” that I shouldn’t even try to do my *thing* because Mom is just going to get sick again and I will have to drop everything (again).
– I drew a colorful wall and put a fear/worry/negative on each “brick”, but I didn’t really talk to them, so I could try that.
– Remember when I said I was going to make a schedule….Ya, I could actually do that.
– I could talk to some supportive people about my *thing* instead of keeping it so close to me.
– gwishes?
– I could take teensy tiny baby steps and acknowledge myself for doing so.
– Oh! Dance of Shiva!
My committment:
– to stay open and curious about this, maybe I don’t even know what the real “problem” is.
– to lighten things up
– to look at the procrastination dissolve-o-matic again
– to be compassionate towards myself
– to flail a little every day
Thing 3: To Work on Cleaning My Office
My office is a flipping nightmare. Piles upon piles and other disguised piles. And boxes of legal stuff. Disorder, disarray, dysfunction! I haven’t been able to even face it. I would like to be able to face it and to take some steps, even if they are super small, to address the out of controlness of it all.
Ways this could happen:
– I could just do it.
– I could try to figure out what is stopping me. exactly.
– I could make it into a game (?)
– oohhh, maybe I could use my markers and sketch how i would like it to look after all the lawyer stuff is gone!
– AND, I could talk to slightly future me!
– I could lighten up.
My committment:
I’m going to talk to slightly future me! I’m going to be curious and open and invite playfulness.
Yay!
I haven’t been able to do a VPA for a couple of weeks now and gosh, I’ve missed it. My VPA for this week:
1. The Play
I’ve finished the first draft and I’ve asked for feedback from trusted friends. I wish for the grace to accept the feedback (even critical feedback) in the spirit it’s given. I also hope that I won’t beat myself up if I do end up freaking out.
My commitment- to pause before reading any feedback, in a safe space where I can crash if I feel like it’s a shoe.
2. The Retreat
I’m going on a retreat this weekend which is so far outside my comfort zone. I wish for curiosity, excitement and inspiration.
My commitment- to be open and honest about my limitations and my needs. To try everything on offer for five minutes. To push myself a little, tiny bit. To take myself gently by the hand and lead myself into something (hopefully) amazing.
3. Answers
As always, I am looking for a way to make money without doing something that makes me hateful. Still not there yet. But I can be patient.
My commitment- to observe, to have open arms, to wonder, to try.
So in summary- I gwish for grace and curiosity.
Very Personal Tuesday
I am starting right here, because going back and looking at what I asked for feels like Too Much.
Right now:
I would like breakfast. I think this is actually a VPA because what I really want is a breakfast routine that feels easy and healthy that I do regularly. Right now I eat breakfast sometimes and not other times. I like the idea of green smoothies sometimes, and hot food sometimes, or maybe green smoothie and then hot food at midmorning, but I’m totally intimidated by the smoothies. But I don’t want to lose all the good stuff I learned in Portugal.
WTCW: I could buy kale and blueberries and see what else looks good. I could get a book that tells me how to make them (from the library?) or go to Kris Carr’s website to find out. I could post to the Facebook group, too, someone must have a favorite winter smoothie recipe. I don’t like the unseasonalness of winter smoothies, but I don’t have to confront that really much until fall.
My commitment: to find a recipe and make one smoothie this week. To eat breakfast today right after I post this.
Ask the Second: I would like to be totally prepared for the Great Test of Doom, be able to take it soon and pass it handily.
There are two ways to get licensed to do massage in Maine. One is slower but less intimidating; the other is faster but involves Paying Money to Take A Test (which I think is stupid, but that’s another story). I want to take the test because it’s faster. But I don’t want to be unprepared. But it’s a new test and there are no test guides out yet.
WTCW: I could take the old test, but I think that test is not fair. I could just sign up and go for it. I could allot time each day for studying the muscles, which is really the place where I’m most likely to forget stuff under stress.
My commitment: to spend an hour a day on the website with the cool pictures for the next week.
Ask the Third: Another fantabulous crop of client goodness. I had one coaching client complete last week and one the week before that. What I would love: three more awesome people who are ready to rock the changes they want and who won’t shy away from laughter, joking, occasional profanity, and supersonic speeds of change.
As for massage clients? I’d love to have people show up who are really thrilled to have deep, relaxing, engaging bodywork, and tell their friends. 🙂
WTCW: I keep telling people, being myself, loving what I do, and doing it well.
My commitment: that.
Here’s what I want:
A new and better job.
I want work that I look forward to doing a majority of the time.
Work that feels important.
Work that allows me to be and discover myself.
Work that pays the bills and provides financial security.
Work that allows flexible hours so I have time to spend with my beloveds.
Ways this could work:
I could find it on Craigslist or one of the other myriad websites I look for jobs.
A friend or relative could tip me off to the opportunity…or hire me.
I could work for myself. Write. Start my own non-profit or my own business.
My commitment.
To continue to work on my own Stuff about money and making a living.
To apply to new opportunities every week.
To be patient and gentle with myself.
To remember that I have people who will take care of my material needs if necessary.
To explore what makes me happy and energetic and whether those things and activities can be directed towards supporting myself financially.
To engage with whatever fears and blocks are preventing me from success in this area.
Woohoo! VPAs.
1. Weight loss.
OK, I know this is something that a lot of people want. Maybe 75% of all females. And I know this is something that I’ve been saying that I’ve wanted ever since I can remember, because I’ve always felt fat.
But I saw the pictures from my dance performance last Saturday. And they hit me in the way that looking in the mirror can’t. Because I have perfected the art of the Mirror Angles that Make You Look OK, and also I’m really good at looking in the mirror for about 20 seconds to brush my hair and that’s it.
I’ve lost some weight in the past 2 years. Especially in the past 8 months, when I’ve broken the pattern of gaining weight. But I need more oomph in this area. I know that it’s slow going, and it’s a process, and it depends a lot on my recovery from my ED. But some extra mojo would really help.
Ways This Could Work:
-Green smoothies. With flaxseed and spirulina and protein powder. They make my body feel amazing and they are a full meal for me.
-More dance! More yoga! More Shiva Nata! Even though I have a monster who tells me that yoga isn’t going to help me lose WEIGHT. I mean, REALLY.
-Getting treatment for my sleep stuff, finally.
-I could magically get a brand-new desire to be healthy and not eat compulsively.
My commitment:
To stay in my body and love it no matter what.
To drink water.
To only weight myself once a month.
2. Relationship Stuffs
More clarity. Continued compassion. Giving each other a lot of grace right now. Being able to move out in a sane way.
My commitment:
To be present when I’m with him, whether it’s in an argument or an intimate moment.
3. Rally! For June!
I feel weird asking about this, because I just asked for (and recieved) some money for a Big Thing recently (my Spain trip). But I feel called to go to a Rally. And the one that really works for me, both schedule-wise and goal wise, is the June Clarity & Gwishes Rally.
I am putting my stuff together to apply for the Secret Stowaway Scholarship. But even with that, the money will be tough. Most of my “extra” money is devoted to my Spain trip in July. Also, I could tell other people about going to Spain, and they’d understand. But I don’t think the people in my life would understand why I’m going to Portland to flail, eat grilled cheese, and listen to some lady whose blog I read help me with my stucknesses.
Ways this could work:
-I could get the Scholarship.
-I could get more money than expected for my graduation.
-Um, magic?
My commitment:
-To love myself and Havi and everyone no matter what
-To look for opportunities
-To make sincere offerings and pray for benefits
-To stick around.
Me very first comment… very personal ad…
Wanted: Busy and overstressed family and career woman seeks peace with the now and freedom from the weight of future events. Willing to supply self-nurturing in the form of a massage, hot baths, knitting, and hugs. Needs personal Time to… er… “humani-fest” (a party or festival in honor of my place in the universe) as a gentle stream and not a strangling noose. [Mixed metaphor police!]
Will commit to keeping a now-focus and a healthy sense of appreciation. Will act in love and not fear with my family.