Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
We’re at ninety nine consecutive weeks of Very Personal Ads! That is spectacular. Help me come up with a way to celebrate next week?
Thing 1: implementation!
Here’s what I want:
I had about seventeen hundred great ideas this week and now stuff needs to happen with them.
Or at least with one of them.
Ways this could work:
Lots of Shiva Nata.
Review my notes.
Long walks to clear my head.
Using the Deguiltified Chicken Board at my Kitchen Table program.
My commitment.
To ask loving, curious questions.
To dance it up!
And to take lots of notes. Revue!
Thing 2: I want to help someone and I don’t know how.
Here’s what I want:
Right now there’s this hard situation of watching someone I like struggle, knowing that this person doesn’t have anyone to advocate for her cause.
I want to help and am not sure what would be useful.
Ways this could work:
Maybe I don’t have to know that part yet.
Maybe I can call H and see what she knows.
Maybe after some shivanautical flailing, the right approach will come to me.
My commitment.
To think loving thoughts. To sit with this challenge and do some brainstorming.
To wish for perfect, simple solutions for everyone involved.
Thing 3: FOCUS.
Here’s what I want:
I have a bunch of half-written things that need more love and attention.
Adventures-in-progress.
It would be great if this could be the week where the zone comes back.
Ways this could work:
It just could.
And then the usual ways of course.
My commitment.
To dance it up, to play, to walk, to breathe, to stretch, to keep moving.
Thing 4: un-obsessing an obsession
Here’s what I want:
This thing I keep thinking about is constantly being thought about, and it’s not helping anyone.
It’s time to start untangling and separating.
Ways this could work:
Finding the essence of the desire, so that I can fill up on the qualities instead of being pulled into the wanting.
Talking to Slightly Future Me and asking her for advice on how to shift perspective.
Finding the good and the useful about this situation.
My commitment.
I’m going to take this one into my Shiva Nata practice to find out what the patterns are.
And I’m going to try and be patient with myself. There’s a lot going on here, and I don’t need to resolve all of it at once.
I’m trying to remember that there’s time.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Let’s see. I wanted recovery time and to consolidate my new Rally systems.
And both of those sort of happened and also sort of didn’t. Progress was made, but maybe not as much as I’d hoped for.
On the other hand, I did spend quite a bit of time this week working on new ways of doing things that should indirectly help with both of these. I’m going to re-wish these!
Then I wanted support with risk-taking, and it’s happening! I also wanted large bulletin boards and ended up getting the First Mate to make me some (thanks, Ingrid!).
And I said my giant gwish (the one about doing agility and coordination trainings for the Timbers) OUT LOUD. And that was a big deal.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Things I’d rather not have:
The word “manifest”. To be told how I should be asking for things. To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Much love for your gwishes! So happy to have you doing this with me.
Wow, 99? Could we.. erm.. i was going to say come up with 100 VPAs between us all.. but thats so limiting.. or 9 each, which is stretching. Umm.. have VPAs and set a 100 days/hours or something?
Or just have some juice while writing them. Iunno. 😛
Last Time:
(In looking at the last weeks VPA; I remembered to put my lip goo on! This is my standard reminder to do so next Sunday.)
So.. I asked for..
Thing 1: Revision!
– I wnated to fins my notes; which i haven’t done; but I’ve been doing it steadily minus two days of absolutel falling-apart-ness. reasking for focus and strength ton continue revising all this week.
Thing 2: Shivanata Session!
– I didn’t actually do the planned bits; but things went fine and they’re both coming back for another; so I can try them next time.
So, onto this week!
Thing 1: revision (and ease-filled-exams)!
Here’s what I want:
My final two exams; the final two parts of my entire degree are this week; Tuesday and Friday mornings, 9:30-11:30am.
I need revision to be calm and smooth and enough. I need the exams to have questions I can answer happily. i’m asking to have time and good memory.
And to feel confident I’ve done well [or feel shit but do well anyway]
Ways this could work:
Shiva nata.
Yoga [back ache!]
Asking for you guys to send me shininess? The exams are Tuesday and Friday mornings, 9:30-11:30am (GMT+1)..
Am writing essay plans to memorise.
Snack food mixed with balanced meals.
My commitment.
To do all I can; despite my current condition of not sleeping, too much anxiety and not enough time.
To change the scenery where possible.
That’s all for me this week. I’m asking for this week to be smooth and for everything to go well. Pretty please.
Rose
Apparently the last time I checked in with the VPAs was four weeks ago when I asked to find ways to integrate my Walking-St.-James-Way-me and what I learned there into my regular life. It was much harder than I expected, but it’s happening sort of. It’s a VPA that will continue to be open. So on to today:
#1: I want morning rituals. I’ve tried Hello Day a few times and starting with a walk or a few rounds of sun salutations. Drinking tea has been well established but is not very mindful. I want these rituals to complement my evening rituals.
This could work: if I continue to try out different things. And maybe if I stick with one for an entire week. if I discovered the needs behind wanting rituals.
I commit to being curious about what works, about my needs and also to not forcing anything.
#2: I want to not be scared of the things I know I need to do to develop the life I want to live.
This could: just come to me in my sleep. I could talk to the monsters over tea. I could invite mediators
I commit to allowing this to take time and making tiny baby steps.
Have a wonderful week y’all.
*Dramatic Voice* Last time…on VPAs:
I asked to write something of value AND…I did. Wow. Today is for editing and polish. Tomorrow I’m going to submit it to an editor in the hopes of getting published. Wow. Trippy. If you had told me that I would have had the chutzpah to do this even a week ago, I would have said, “Ah, no.”
Not smoking: The week was going decent, until I got a strong craving while at a store, when they were in easy reach. I might have still be alright, had it not been for the MASSIVE speeding ticket I got the other day (Feeling attack, argh). Yep. Fell off the wagon.
For this week:
Thing 1
Money: I need more of it than ever. This speeding ticket, next month’s convention: I need money.
How this can work: Work more hours. Maybe write in the meanwhile and make some sales to a few markets (still a scary thought). Sell my registration for the convention. Sell more stuff.
My Commitment: To stop beating myself up. To realize that everything will work out in the end.
The other Things are Gwishes. I gwish:
-for weekly yoga classes again.
-for the money to also take ballet and pole classes.
-to write another story in the next week and keep up the momentum.
-to start easing back into making art, without the harsh baggage from my last piece.
-to get back into not smoking and find as much ease as possible.
Thing 1: Movement + Stillness = Happy Tapley
Here’s what I want:
To find/figure out a regular pattern/routine/ritual/practice that has room for the movement I want – Pilates, dance, regular visits to the Temple of Celebrating my Body (more typically known as the gym) – and also for plenty of stillness, journaling, quiet me-time, mindful not-doing.
Ways this could work:
I could trust myself to do what feels right in any given moment – and those moments could add up to enough movement and enough stillness.
I could experiment and easily find a pattern that works and feels comfortable and sustainable.
Shivanautical ephiphanies
My commitment.
To give myself permission to experiment – and to adjust.
To remind myself that I want a practice that works in my life now, not something that is guaranteed to fit my life forever.
To be mindful of perfectionist patterns.
This is my first ever VPA, so I think I will leave it at one. Thanks for letting me play!
Wow, hooray for 99! Amazing.
I have just one VPA today, but it’s a big one: I want to come back to my life.
Ways this could work: I could figure how to finish mourning this thing that I want and have been obsessing over for weeks. I could keep doing things that I love and that feel good. Keep being honest with myself and others. Get back to some of the other dreams that were important to me before and give them some love.
My commitments: To toe the line I’ve already set. To do my hardest not to engage in the distractions. To remember that like Havi says, there is always time. Not right now doesn’t mean not ever. To know that coming back to my life doesn’t mean going back to sleep and not remembering. And honesty honesty honesty: to others and to myself above all, even when the honest thing is the not-knowing.
This is a wonderful tradition, and a great ritual. Along with the Friday chicken, whether I post or not, it is a way to pause and think about what I want and what I’ve been doing. Thank you, Havi, for creating this space for reflection, and thanks to the other VPAers for your insights and openness.
Here is what I want:
Thing 1: Love and housework
Last week’s post about unconditional love got me thinking…. I feel loved and loving when I do housework (which I have neglected lately). I become immersed in the process and the reminders of people I love, the good times and the not so good times, the anticipation of things to come. I remember why I love my home and how much I love the person I share this space with, and the prrrojects I’ve done and the ones still in process and the ones still only in my mind.
So my first VPA and my commitment is to love my home and to allow myself to be nourished by it.
Thing 2: Looking back and moving forward
I didn’t do what I wanted to last week, and a number of other asks have simply sat there waiting for me to do something about them. This week, I want to review the past VPAs to see where I am with them and what needs to happen to move forward with them, if I still want to, if this is the right time.
My second VPA is about that, to do it with clarity, understanding, and love, and without guilt.
This is my very first VPA! And it’s a massive one.
I’m moving house. Right now. Everything I own here, bar a dog and some odds and ends, is in a box in the back of my partner’s ute, and I have an eight-hour drive ahead of me. I am so close to being ready that I have Almost Done Syndrome, which is where you have so little to do that you have no idea what to do first.
Still, at least the panicky crying jags are over! At least I hope they are. *looks around suspiciously*
What I want:
– to be able to finish these last few tasks calmly, without hurry but without slacking off
– to drive mindfully, with breaks when I need them, and not to take any stupid risks in order to get there a few minutes earlier
My commitment:
– to accept that I can actually do this
– to listen to Slightly Future Me (and Me From Yesterday, who left me a very cheering journal entry)
– to stop writing this comment and get back into it 😉
99 – that reminds me of Nena’s song “99 red balloons”: Hast Du etwas Zeit für mich / dann singe ich ein Lied für Dich / von 99 VPAs…”
Catch up on last two week’S VPAs: back significantly better, energy level better but not brilliant. Husband so far had a safe trip and stay in very not safe country.
This week’s VPA:
I am asking for my husband come back home safe and sound tomorrow.
I am asking for non-procrastination regarding little side job I have. My deadline is coming up and I want to finish the job with ease.
How this can work and my committment:
Send more good thoughts. Trip to airport and flight will just go smoothly for him.
Right after the VPA and before work I will do a little work on the other job.
I confess it’s been many moons since my last VPA. I fell out of blog reading last fall when I stopped blogging on my human, being blog and started gestating my multi-line photography baby, which is newborn and just barely opening its eyes. But I miss the Chicken and the VPAers. And Havi’s wisdom, so I checked in and here you all are, sending asks to the grand universe. Here’s my join-in.
My Thing for the Week: Understanding the Lesson
I was in a moderately bad car accident on May 12 and while my body and brain are on the mend [I broke the seat belt but the air bags didn’t deploy] I feel gut feelings that I am supposed to wake up from something.
Maybe something I don’t want to wake up to/from.
I’m afraid about it. And yet, I want to know.
Ways it could work
I could stop and meditate and feel the feelings I’m not feeling about it
I could do some whole brain sitting on it
I could go talk to that psychic friend of mine about it
I could go talk to my therapist about it
I could journal my monsters about it
I could catch myself worrying about it and take some deep breaths and let the worry go
My commitment
to pick a couple of things from this list and give ’em a try. To breathe a lot and drink a lot of water for clarity.
and to check back in here.
🙂
Great stuff Havi.
You know I always find the asking part easy – but sometimes I really forget to ask. Heck… I think most people don’t even THINK of asking (a lot of times).
Then the problem lies when one really does ask and then… Oh God. “The answer” actually appears.
People freak out! “What? That’s the answer?” We sometimes pose.
The willingness to actually listen is imperative to asking.
“We rationalize with our mind, what our heart is really saying.” -unknown
So get asking! Be willing to listen. And stop rationalizing your “answer.”
Just some random thoughts. Great stuff! 🙂
*J
Oh sweet baby gwish, how you’ve grown 🙂
This week what I want:
Smooveness with this ginormous clearing/bead sale that I am finally doing.
How this can happen:
Breathing.
The perfect simple solution could come along. (Someone could offer to buy the whole lot before I have to re-bag it all?)
Posting at Twitter and Facebook and letting people know that I have great stuff available and trusting the right people will see the postings.
My commitment:
To trust.
To be willing to let go.
To love.
What I would like: closure with X
Ways this could happen:
– I could get the response I’m needing
– I could write that response to myself, if I don’t get it from outside
– I could invent a ritual to lay this to rest
My commitment:
– I will remember that I did everything I could have, and should have
– I will hold the space for the answer to come
– I wil trust myself to know how to respond, if it does
Good luck to everyone. I am wishing that all your wishes come true 🙂
#1 Love, expansion, joy and kindness with myself as I navigate everything already on my plate
What I want: I have lots on my plate, probably too much. I have clients and a class I am enrolling, and blog posts to write. What I don’t want is to get crazed, to push myself, to disconnect from myself and what I am feeling in order to check the task off the list. I want to bring my fullness and lightness and spirit to everything I am committed to and to choosing the actions I haven’t committed to yet.
Ways this could work: Breathe. Be more experimental today since it’s a holiday. Use the experience to learn about where I can lean in and where I can’t. Eat when I need to. Notice when I start getting anxious and tense. Keep feeding my soul. To make room for the full range of feelings that come up for me this week.
My commitment: Keep choosing moment to moment what feels right, what I can do wholeheartedly.
#2. Committed and registered folk for the Mojo class.
What I want: For the 3 fabulous applicants to become registered clients. To find easy, joyful, meaningful ways to stay in conversation with my lists about the class and why they might want to join. To keep examples close to my heart of all the times I have successfully and easily brought people on board.
Ways this could work: Keep clearing my energy. Reach out to the applicants, maybe today maybe not. Write blog posts, maybe today, maybe not. Send more emails to the right people, maybe today, maybe not.
My commitment: Reach out with love to all three top applicants tomorrow. Bring forward a blog post or emails or both by the end of the day tomorrow.
#3. Resolution and a way forward with the sticky situation
What I want: To have a truthful, grounded, non-violent conversation with the person about the sticky situation. To be able to look clearly at what has happened, to ask truly curious questions, to listen and feel into the energy, to have the courage to say what is true for me and to ask for what I want.
Ways this could work: I could choose not to rehearse over and over how the conversation goes, but show up prepared. I could do the emotional work so that I am not coming at this as victim or as responsible for the whole mess. I could have a little card to remind me what is important. I could send an email to prep what I see and what I want to talk about. I could acknowledge the fear that this could blow up the relationship, and leave me in a pinch, and end with hurt feelings and anger and resentment, and realize that I can only be responsible for my part.
My commitment: To do the prep I know is needed: review last year’s info, send an email listing the issues I see and the questions I have, journal a bit each evening about it. Sit in prayer before the call.
Feeling the need to keep things simple today.
What I want: A massage. Specifically, I would like for my sweetie to massage my lovely new delicious-smelling body cream into my skin.
How this can happen: I can ask. I can make the time to receive. I can be flexible about the when.
My commitment: I will say thank you. I will be as present as I can, quiet my mind as fully as I can, and savor the experience.
I am…
hmmm
it’s a gwish week.
Gwish! for ways to put the information that needs remembering into my head and keep it there in easy retrieval position.
Gwish! for smoothness of car-adjustment.
Gwish! for smoothness of other things.
Gwish! for smoothness of the last seven sessions before the sixty are done.
and um. Gratitude for all the helpermice who got me this close to finishing the sixty, and for the current car situation which helped that happen, and for a perfectly good memorial day.
Hmm! Okay, here goes!
I have to submit my play for a competition with the least amount of stress and heart ache possible.
This could happen by asking people to read my work (and then dealing in a healthy way with their responses) and reminding myself of the context- that this is something I really want to do.
My commitment is to be open and gentle with myself. My work is in submitting the thing, not winning.
I want to be kind to myself all week and listen to myself. That’s all!
Thank you again for the place to put this.
I want a building for my art gallery. The room it’s been in for its first year has been ok, but it’s a former office room and will always look like that. I want a building that celebrates the place visitors come to look at and buy art, and that celebrates the place I go to make it. There’s one building in town that is too small and probably not a very good buy, and one that might be ok but is probably too much money. I don’t have any money. But I want this so much I can see it in my mind, already alive.
Ways this could work: The building that isn’t a very good buy could be really really cheap. The building that is ok could turn out to be available for a song. Maybe there is a building somewhere I could move in. For no money. Something else could happen that I haven’t thought of.
Deep breath…
My commitment: To keep on dreaming. To keep the vision alive. To watch and listen for possibilities that show up from odd corners I haven’t considered. To be creative about what else might work.
Gwish of the week – ENDINGS
1. An ending to being the chair of the PhD Society.
It’s been fun but too much and i need to move on if the rest of my life is to stay sustainable.
2. An ending to the chapters of my Ph.D.
Knowing what I will work towards.
3. An ending to my time in this city.
I need to know I will not be here for another cold, lonely, long winter.
I want this so madly/badly.
Ways it could work:
writing a letter to myself?
working slowly and carefully
talking to my love about it
Update on previous VPA’s – A Wonderful Thing has happened, and it is all because of being able to articulate the worries and thinking about it with the VPA’s so it is like the VPA Gods/Godesses have bestowed things on me. I am so pleased, I could kiss you Havi for letting me write them! It’s a big, life changing Thing and it should help my body as well as my mind. So, so happy. :o) A celebratory dancy of happy mice for the 99 VPA’s!
But you know, never satisfied and all that! Still things to ponder going forward, and this seems to be the best way to think about them, so…
What I’d like: The energy to deal with the coming week. This week is full of draining things, both personal and professionally. There is more to be done than I have the energy for, and I can’t see today how I’m going to make it through it all to the other side. It has taken me from Sunday till Tuesday to even sit here to articulate this.
Ways this could work: I could be gentle with myself, and cut myself some slack. No one around me needs me to be perfect all the time, and would be surprised that I try endlessly. Magic fairies could bring me patience and energy dust. I could have more strength than I think I have. I could rest when I say I will.
My commitment: To make sure I have the odd 20 minutes carved out in my day to be still and order my mind. I always feel better then. My mind being calm will help no end.
What I’d also like: make some headway with my “should” monsters
Ways this could work: I don’t know. I have been battling the should monsters for a decade or so now and it is time that we came to a compromise. Perhaps I should speak to them and find out what they want. I don’t know how to approach them though. Perhaps someone will say something and it will click. Perhaps Havi will magically post something that makes me a-HA!! In the way that often happens. Perhaps I will click through a magical internet link that will show me the way. Perhaps I just need to know that I need to do it, and it will all start to slowly unravel slowly over the next few weeks. Perhaps one of you will know how to say hello and find out what he wants. Help?
My commitment: to at least be aware of the should monster and wave at him each time I see him. Perhaps if I acknowledge his presence it will be less weird when I do get round to talking to him.
Jesse – Welcome back to your life 🙂 x
VPA
Things feel a bit unreal for me right now. I got a layoff letter… well i work for the gov’t so it’s a bit more bureacratic than that, but that’s what it boils down to, except by layoff it means they might move me randomly to somewhere else.
Anyway, because of that, I want clarity on what path is my right path and on finding a way to get there.
Ways this could work – I don’t know. I could journal to write out my desires/fears/etc. Draw sthg in my sketch journal… play with my dollar tree markers. talk with my husband… open myself up to the possibilities. i stop listening to the fear monsters.
My commitment – to watch out for the fear monsters. to try to journal it out and just pay attention to what i want and need.
That’s a big one, so just the one today. Well… Also, I would like my birthday to go well next week and the weather to clear up for training, but we’ll get there when we get there.
I’m invoking amnesty for the first two days of the week. It’s just been one of those months.
Thing 1: Sorting
What I would like: Sorting out of my goals and what I want to get done. I think I’ve been mindlessly adrift for too long. I didn’t intend to be, but I guess I thought that if I just kept working on what was wrong, it would get better eventually. It hasn’t. Time to switch things up.
Ways this could happen:
It just could.
I could take my own advice.
I could revue it.
My commitment:
To be gentle and wonderful with myself throughout the process.
To make sure I can really do what I want to.
Thing 2: Getting something going
What I would like: For this universal problem of mine to be solved. I seem to be allergic to work and money. I don’t think either of those is possible, so it’s just a matter of figuring out what’s going on and making it work.
Ways this could happen:
I don’t know.
It just could.
I could read something brilliantly insightful.
I coukd get it from an anime or TV show. (Some of my best insights come from those.)
I could get great advice from someone.
My commitment:
To be on the lookout.
To keep an open mind.
To be willing to make what changes are necessary.
Thing 3: Healing
What I would like: serious help for my arms. I’ve been with this injury for 3 years now. I want it to stop now.
Where is this could happen:
I could go back to physical therapy.
I could take my martial arts seriously.
I could get back in shape.
I could start eating healthily.
I could stop all activities that hurt me.
My commitment:
To do the best I’m able.
To make myself whatever reminders I need to stick with it no matter how difficult it is.
Thing 4: Ease in creating
What I would like: Because I have to use voice-in, I can’t write fiction anymore. Using voice is supposed to make fiction easier, but it doesn’t work for me. Somehow, I just can’t get in the swing of it properly. The image breaks when I have to vocalize, and the corrections make me lose the flow. I totally don’t know how to get around this, I want to try.
Ways this could happen:
I have no clue.
Really I don’t. I think I must have tried everything by now.
But I’m open to suggestions and willing to try.
My commitment:
To keep hope.
To keep trying.
To talk to whoever needs talking to.
Update on last week:
I wanted –
1. More movement forward with the BK. I got: the same. Thank you.
2. I joined match.com. I would like for the pictures my friend takes of me today to come out flattering and like me. And I’d like the people I’m looking for to be looking for me. I got – some of this. Having mixed up feelings.
3. I want rest. I want mountains and sleep and hiking. I got: a business retreat day + bonus mountain hiking sleep days.
4. I want a good productive week at work. The profitable kind. I got: my goals met.
This week:
1. Steady movement forward.
2. Some kind of shifting with match. I’ve switched my profile from quiet and polite to snarky and irreverent. I think I’d like to be somewhere between the 2. And perhaps some movement off of match.
which brings me to…
3. I’m having some body dismorphia. My head feels small. My breasts are far to large and just seem like giant deformities hanging off me. My stomach is getting huge. My hair feels all weird. And we won’t even mention my teeth. I’d like to figure out what this is about and to have it chill out since I know I don’t always feel like this. I can’t meet someone when I feel like this (oh, that’s what it is about? Is there a Ack, You Are Hideous Monster in the room? Yes, and it has a tiny head, huge chest, spacey teeth, a round belly and hair that looks like thomas dolby.)
4. I would like good sleep. And for all beings to be happy and free.
I’ve been avoiding this, but I really could use the practice at asking for things.
1. Being OK with being alone.
I just moved into Hippie House, and it’s the first time in years I’m not living with a significant other. My housemates are lovely, but it is a different dynamic. Now that I have officially moved out completely and everything I own is here in my bedroom, I need to do some processing about my feelings on living alone. I’m not sure what they are because I’ve been blocking them out, but I know I have some.
Tools for this: Dancing to the song “OK Alone”. Writing a love letter to Hippie House, and my room in particular. Continuing to work on my Step Work. Daily flailing and chanting. Reaching out daily to remind myself of all the friends and fellows that I *do* have, even if they’re not living right next to me.
2.A room of My Own
Like I mentioned, I’ve just moved. My bedroom is currently a jumble of boxes and bags. I’d like to put things in their proper places with ease and grace, without getting frustrated or judging myself. I’d also like to be able to find a place to put the things that aren’t mine, so I can store them until that One Guy Picks them up. And I’d like to let go of the resentment I have about those things.
Tools: Prayer. Motivating music. Using a timer. Watching “Hoarders” (it’s very motivating). Taking breaks. Drinking lots of water & herbal tea. Making steady progress without giving myself a deadline.
3. The Next Step
I’m not sure what I’m doing with myself from here. School is out, the move is done, That One Guy is gone, I got my CPAP. All of the projects I’ve had lately have finished up or come to a standstill. I have a volunteer opportunity arising next week, but I guess what I’m really concerned about is what I’m going to do with myself besides that for the rest of the summer and for Fall semester.
Tools: Self-forgiveness. Prayer. Shiva Nata and freewrites after. Talking to my sponsor. Talking to advisers. Getting back in touch with my therapist. Taking one day at a time. Enjoying what there is to enjoy, even when I’m not sure what to do with my free time, it is a gift.