Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Tonight is Rosh Hashana, which means it is a new year:
Come in, come in! Hello, 5773.
And so these are extra-special visions and personal ads for the new year.
Two of these are asks for other people, and I want to add that none of these people would ever dream of asking me to do this for them. But I wanted to.
Thing 1: welcoming 5773.
Here’s what I want:
Wishes and hopes for the new year. Ease-filled transitions. Releasing what is done. Process.
I would like this process to be sweet, loving, play-filled and supportive.
And! I want to do lots of writing about what I want.
Ways this might work:
Beach Day with Danielle.
Tashlich.
Doing entry rituals. And maybe an OOD.
The Anthology of What Havi Wants (see the next ask, below).
I’m playing with…
Noticing that this is a door, and letting it be a passage for me.
Thing 2: The Anthology of What Havi Wants.
Here’s what I want:
So Colleen was just here and I showed her Stompopolis, and I even showed her the Hypothalamus, my private office that only like, two people have seen.
AND I showed her something even more special than that.
Last September during the shiva nata training, I had a vision. Like, a capital-V crazy-ass I am seeing this kind of thing. That kind of vision.
It was a vision of a castle. A humming castle. And that castle was my business.
Anyway, it left a huge impression on me because it was the most beautiful and bizarre thing that has ever happened to me, and immediately after I drew the castle and wrote down everything I remembered about the vision, and put it all in a binder. Kind of as a placeholder for “wouldn’t this be amazing in oh, twenty years, if it ever happens?”…
Last month I opened it up and discovered that everything in it has already happened. Even the really impossible and unlikely parts. The castle exists. It is Stompopolis. The queen’s hidden quarters where she can watch but not be seen exist in the form of the Hypothalamus, which is the mezzanine above the old ballroom: I can watch everything that goes on at Stompopolis without being in it.
ANYWAY. I showed the binder to Colleen, and she was completely astounded.
And she said: It’s time to create the binder for next year. For the next part of the vision. Write about your court and your knights and all the things that still haven’t been written.
Ways this might work:
I have a binder.
It is going to be the Anthology of What Havi Wants.
And I am going to take notes about what I know about what I want.
Which is great, because this past year gave me a lot of lessons in what I don’t want. So now I have some pretty clear information.
I’m playing with…
Wishing. Wanting. Asking. Dreaming. Trusting. Playing.
And doing shiva nata.
Thing 3: The Spunky Monkey needs a new home!
Here’s what I want:
You guys! My favorite cafe is about to lose its home! This is TRAGIC. But maybe it is also a door for a good thing.
And maybe someone here can help. Oh I hope so much!
Their landlord sold the property, and they need to find a new location as soon as possible, something that is already set up to be, as they called it, “restaurantish”.
So normally I would never, ever announce online where my favorite cafe is.
For one thing, tens of thousands of people might be reading this and some of them are in Portland and here’s the thing: I like my anonymity.
But I am telling you guys this because I care about this place SO MUCH and I do not want them to disappear. They are called the Spunky Monkey (that’s their facebook page) and they need your help.
So if you have an idea about a place, please please please hook them up.
Note: I feel strongly that this place cannot be in Beaverton, or way out in southwest Portland somewhere as people have been suggesting on their page.
You guys! I don’t mind traveling to get to my favorite cafe, but this is an urban cafe, and it deserves requires an urban environment. So I’m sorry, not Multnomah Village or whatever.
Personally I would prefer it to be in Easy Portland. But will I cross Burnside (or — gasp — the river!) for my favorite place? Absolutely.
Ways this might work:
I am telling you guys.
There could be a miracle.
Or a perfect simple solution.
I can also talk to Hope, my realtor, who knows everyone and everything.
If you have any ideas, please let me know here or put something on their facebook page!
I’m playing with…
Wishing the wish.
Putting it here.
Thing 4: You need this. Probably.
Here’s what I want:
My designer is the best designer I have ever worked with, by a lot. In every way.
He is brilliant. He is kind. He is endlessly inventive. He has boatloads of integrity. He is easy to communicate with. And everything he does is nothing short of stunning. And it’s always exactly the right thing because he is magic. He’s the only designer I’ve worked with where I don’t ask for revisions.
The box that the stone skipping cards come in, the monster manual & coloring book, the logo for Stompopolis…. those are his first designs. I had no notes because they were flawless.
Anyway, every time you see something beautiful on one of my websites or at the Playground, or you admire the gorgeous layout of my ebooks… that’s the talented Richard Miller who is a) Calyx Design, and b) also one of my favorite people ever.
Normally I don’t like to talk about this because I like to have my stuff look better than everyone else’s and also I don’t like to share!
However, he has a new and experimental service that is AMAZING, and he is not charging enough for it, not even slightly, and you should take him up on this.
Ways this might work:
I am going to tell you about this.
I am going to give you the link. This is it! Read about his website header special.
I’m playing with…
Being supportive of a business that I believe in. Paying attention to how this feels.
Thing 5: Removing triggers and other sources of friction.
Here’s what I want:
In the spirit of the new year and choosing congruence over stagnation….
It is time to remove small things in my home and office that remind me of not-good-things, even if I can’t remember why they bother me or what they remind me of.
Like that little round mirror. And the thing that doesn’t work but serves as a constant reminder of how expensive it was and how I never return things.
Those red curtains from forever ago that have nothing to do with now.
Ways this might work:
The ten small things.
Remembering that these are iguanas and it is okay that this is hard.
I’m playing with…
Just noticing for now how much pain can be locked up in an object.
And how it is really and truly legitimate to want to remove sources of pain from my physical environment.
Thing 6: Steps for Ms Bell.
Here’s what I want:
I started a process and then I dropped it halfway through.
Mostly because of being way too busy.
But maybe there is also something else.
I want this to be SO IMPORTANT that I can’t forget about it.
I want this to feel supported.
Ways this might work:
Maybe one of my friends can be my partner on this one.
Maybe Wednesday is a good day for all things BELL.
Maybe each Wednesday I could do one thing BELL, and then at least small steps.
I’m playing with…
Ringing the bells, of course.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted excitement for Plum Duff, and that totally happened. Thank you.
Then I wanted progress on taking Fridays off, and that is happening too.
I also wanted the tiniest pile to disappear, and it did in the sense that I removed it from my bedroom (yay), but it did not in the sense that it still exists. I am rewriting that ask!
Next I wanted to find the treasure inside of something hard, and I did a lot of investigating there. The treasure was not what I thought it would be, but I am unraveling a mystery, and that is good. Also I now have faith that I am going to get something back, and that feels good.
There were two presents, and this is really interesting. One of them really scared me, and so I worked on it all week at Rally until it didn’t scare me anymore. But then when I finally took the steps to act on it, the thing in question had disappeared.
And the other is still scaring me. So. Back to processing and thinking about this differently. There is a lot tied up in here about loss. And some stuff about how Now is reminding me of Then.
The last thing was about index cards and mapping out the steps. This happened! Yay.
Playful playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
Here or on your own or in your head. It’s all fine. Or call silent retreat!
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
If you’re looking for suggestions or heart-sighs or anything else related to your wish, you will need to ask for that because our default mode is giving each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We make space for people’s wishes.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
p.s. Shana tova u’metuka to everyone who celebrates. May it be a sweet, healthy, happy, beautiful new year and a passage into good things.
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I am sending you and your friends warm wishes!
Update from last week, the Week of Car Breaking and Car Buying and 87 Other Entities Who Wanted Money. Well, yay, it all worked out of course. Some things were shuffled, the new car was obtained and the people at the IRS are so nice I want to cry with joy every time I talk to them. Seriously, they hire the most kind people in the world to handle their phones, and they are also kind of funny.
So, this week. Last night I got one of those messages from the Universe that shoots through your heart and reminds you of everything you hate about yourself. So, today was spent doing todayish sort of things while rolling thoughts about in my head about other times like this and wondering why and then scowling and then breathing deeply and saying “oh, it doesn’t matter anyway.” I guess what I want is to get the message. To get the message before the arrow through the heart. To get the message and respond to the message before the arrow through the heart.
VPA #1
What I want:
A sewing machine! That works, unlike my current sewing machine.
And preferably I would not have to pay a lot of money for it.
Ways this could work:
I could search the internet. Someone could give my one, maybe because they don’t need there’s anymore, or possibly they have an extra?
VPA #2
What I want:
For my house, starting with my bedroom, to be clean and organized and comfortable and beautiful and full of qualities like ease, love, harmony, presence.
How this could work:
Shiva nata then journal on ways to reorganize and decorate. Force field. Ring bells. Light candles. Ask roommate to help with cleaning.
I’ll play with:
Ease. Play. Bubbles.
VPA #3
What I want:
The no-one-parks-in-front-of-my-driveway superpower. Three times this month people have parked partly in front of my driveway, each time further in front of my driveway, each time for multiple days, and *right now* I am unable to get in my driveway and haven’t been able to since I got back from Rally. So far I have been leaving notes on people’s windshields, but this is not a permanent solution since there is an endless supply of people who park on my street whether they live here or not. And people take days to discover the notes.
So I want people to respect my driveway and my space. And I’d rather not have to deal with it by getting people towed, because that makes me feel mean. So I would like people to *magically* stop parking in front of my driveway. Of there own accord.
This whole parking situation is also a problem because it makes me really angry and then I feel guilty for not being peaceful and detached.
Ways this could work:
I could put a sign on the tree next to my driveway telling people they are legally required to leave 5 feet on either side of a driveway. This would need some sort of water-proofness, and also attaching something to a tree. I don’t like pounding nails in trees.
Magic! People could simply respect my driveway and space enough that they never park in front of it. Yesterday I tried walking in circles around the unwanted car while chanting things like “healthy boundaries” and “respect,” but the car is still there. But I want to somehow imbue the space with respect and healthy boundaries.
I’ll play with:
Force fielding my driveway? A mantra. I don’t know, I’ll keep thinking about it. But if that car doesn’t leave by the time I need to go to the grocery store, I’m getting it towed.
VPA #1
What I want:
Ten Thousand Dollars! To Get A new computer, to get motorcycle helmets and parts and leathers, and maybe a TV, a real-sized one, and to have ease with rent.
Ways this could work: I could enter a contest. I could win a prize. Someone could comission TEN PAINTINGS. Or a really large mural – or maybe they will fly me and my husband to their home in hawaii and i will paint five of their bedrooms in murals and surf in the morning. maybe I have a bank account in my name somewhere I have forgotten. Maybe the ten thousand dollars worth of things I want to have will just… ARRIVE. Sortof the way that our friend has lent us a TV so he doesn’t have to move it back and forth. Wins for everyone.
I’ll play with: laughter. Joking. Silent Retreat. Painting. Talking about things SO RIDICULOUS when they happen only everyone else is shocked.
VPA #2
What I want: THREE HUNDRED SPONSOR KIDS.
How this could work: SAME AS ABOVE ONLY BIGGER. My new painting is so beautiful, maybe I will post it on the internet. I think it is worth $2000 and it’s beautiful. I love it so. Maybe someone else will also love it.
I’ll play with: Being ridiculous. Because I can. I’m an artist. I will eat my salad. I will distract myself with other things so I won’t notice myself posting my art for sale on my website. I will post my art for sale to schedule for future posts, so that I won’t notice that it is for sale.
VPA #3
What I want: To have a happy digestion system.
How this could work: People will decide to make more beans. People will stop cooking things I am allergic to at group dinners. My body will let go of traumas that caused the allergies in the first place.
I’ll play with: Magical Passes, dance, and bento boxes.
Happy New Year, Havi and friends.
My VPA thoughts:
I love the idea of that Anthology! It inspires me to make one too. It belongs with the Book of Vicki: The Book of Vicki and The Book of Everything Vicki Wants.
It is so easy for me to make lists of things I want that are either objects – like new shoes – or projects. Or to echo other people’s ideas about the good life and what people *should* want. “Other people” includes past selves.
So this book could focus more on the qualities of Everything I Want. Then I could conduct the qualities and what I desire can appear in any form.
That sounds awesome!
The Book of Everything Vicki Wants might also be called the Book of Visions of Possibility and Awesomeness!
VPAs are hard.. so much conflict about wanting. But this is why we practice, right?
Thing 1: The never-ending project of doom
What I WantI didn’t write my web copy at rally. I did a lot of other really really really important things at rally, but copy… nope. So I want to write the copy so I can feel like I can move forward on the having-a-business part of the business.
Ways this could work: I could maybe just skip it and move forward anyway. If I knew what that looked like. I could figure out what it all looks like without freaking out or having to use a four-letter word that starts with ‘p’ and ends with ‘lan’. If I’ve been procrastinating for weeks on something that I think I really want, there could be a monster here.
I’ll play with: Having a convo with the monster, and maybe some color. Thinking about how I can have plan + freedom. (Hey, home + travel resolved itself in a very unconventional way so maybe this will too?) More shiva nata because there are definitely patterns here. Also, trying to just write every morning… grease the wheels so to speak.
Thing 2: Ease for the class
What I WantI’m teaching another class on Wednesday with a friend, and the last two didn’t feel particularly great to me. I was unprepared and not focused. This time the topic is a really great one (change!) and I have a lot to say. I want to think about how to enter this so that I feel collected and ready.
Ways this could work: Talking to the monsters and explaining that I need time for entry into this (and could they please stop knocking over the beakers.) I could put it in my calendar and use one of my blocks for it tomorrow or Wednesday. (dear monsters, yes i know we also have a call with the friend tomorrow, but the class may require more than one hour of planning. Yes, I know it’s free… that does not mean we can skimp on the planning. can you please hold on while i finish writing these VPAs and then we can chat?)
I’ll play with: clearly a monster convo. Stone skipping about the class and class subject. Putting it into one of my schedule blocks (woohoo container!)
Thing 3: Living situation harmony
What I Want: There was a moderate almost-emergency this week wherein I almost ended up living in a small studio apartment with a friend, which was not working for me at all. Luckily after one night, she realized it wasn’t working for her either, and we went back to the Cabin of Creativity. However, while I don’t think we’ll end up in quite an icky situation again, I want to feel prepared in case things do turn upside down again in a matter of moments.
Ways this could work: Figuring out a backup plan – someone I can stay with not to far away (closest I’ve come up with so far is Denver, which is like 800 miles… not ideal…) so that I could then look for another place to sublet. Or to just stay in better communication with my friend so she doesn’t make any crazy decisions again without me. This should be easier now that I’m back here and not in Portal-land anymore.
I’ll play with: Forgetting to be a giraffe. (Not really, I just needed to say that at least once… maybe it’s a proxy…) Not sure on this… maybe an OOD about what I actually want? Conducting “adaptability” and “flexibility” and “freedom”. Hmm…
Shana tovah!
Update on last week’s asks: some progress on sponge-space, not so much with the sunscreen. There is tanglement with my time issues, but today I bought a new brand to try. So, revisiting the ask:
A Thing: a friendlier relationship with sunscreen
WTCW:
* find something fun to watch or listen to while applying it
* figure out what the You Don’t Have Time Monster is really after
I’ll play with: crayons and pencils and monster manual. Some of the ideas from last week’s ask.
Silent retreat on the rest. Wishing you all a week with sweetness and comfort at hand.
VPA 1: Enter the Dinosaur Glow Era. With ease, for the long haul remembering how much chaos ensues from not being in the DGE. Surrender. Assistance.
VPA 2: Go through the Thing fully once by Sunday and a) fill in the things/research that need filling in (Proteus) b) know the order/where everything goes including quotes/epigrams c) know exactly what else needs to be written d) write the c things, if these c things pertain to A Tribe Called Quest, Sagittarius/Libra, the Queen (minus the Beauty).
VPA 3: New bedtime. I need energetic help with this. I could maybe talk to my monsters about this. I seriously hate bedtime and I always have. Help.
Lovely week to all the VPA peoples xoxo
Eep! I’ve been trying to VPA since the start of the week but haven’t got around to it. Funny that in my head a VPA feels more like a to-do list! Anyhow, wants:
1. I want to have better workouts and see progress, either in the number of reps I can do, or the amount of weight I can lift. As it stands, I have one good workout and then two shitty ones, because recovery is taking too long. So –
Ways this could work:
– I could pay more attention to nutrition (already purchased protein powder and EFAs, taking vitamins and eating more)
– I could make sure to sleep 8 hours each night.
– I could …? That’s all I have.
I’ll play with:
– noticing the times I rest vs. the times I work
– maybe starting a morning yoga practice? Or an any-time meditation thing.
2. Related to 1, I would like to have my spark back.
Ways this could work:
– I really don’t know. Maybe the return to therapy will help.
– Maybe it’s all just physical and once my body feels better, I’ll feel better?
– I want to say “slowing down,” but that doesn’t seem possible. Perhaps I could think about why that is. Maybe say “no” to other people’s projects for a while.
I’ll play with:
– more noticing – noticing my needs, naming the parts that have those needs
– letting there be space for grief
– letting there be space for frustration with grief
3. I want the club to be the awesomest club ever. Which means actually, um, starting it? And lovingly biggifying and stuff? Hello, fear!
Ways this could work:
– I could magically get my spark back!
– or bring someone else to the front of the V
– maybe put on a costume. I feel like I should have a tiara, or a crazy/cooky mad-hatter hat.
– Speaking to slightly future me, who has ALL THE IDEAS! And is actually quite wonderful and capable and a little less afraid than me.
– Reading more of the biggifying stuff here which I haven’t really looked at before.
I’ll play with:
– more noticing! Because it feels like all I can do at the moment. Noticing, in particular, when Darth Vader shows up. Also noticing when scared past selves are talking.
– Naming the tiredness. I think I want to name it Percy. I don’t know why. I don’t particularly LIKE Percy Shelley, nor do I think he was exceptionally slow or dreary. But this feels like a Percy for some reason.
Other things:
– looking for a colourful, plush/shag rug
– more artwork! And stuff to make my room feel personal
– sheer cloth to make the ugly blinds look better
– long extension wire so I can have stuff properly plugged in and have more space to move around
– the oven! I want it fixed!
Wow. That’s a lot of wants.
Back again with an important ask: there is a thing that I need to do, and I keep putting it off, and procrastinating about it is making me cringe and have unpleasant and/or uncomfortable conversations and have to deal with asshats and weirdos and I still keep putting it off and it is not really hard.
I would like to do the thing and get out of this situation.
And I would like to understand what this delaying is about, because this is a pattern.
I can try these things: talking to the stuck; talking to the pattern; talking to the discomfort. Permission to do it, to be stuck, to not like it, to feel what I feel, to not do it. To meet myself where I am. Remembering that lethargy begets lethargy and that the surest way to get in motion is to get in motion and all of those truisms. Also rewards. Maybe processing on the Floop. Ask MrB for input and also for specific information.
I was having trouble coming up with a VPA that I liked for this week, but now I have one:
Because I caught a cold over the weekend and stayed home on Monday, I’ve had a lovely, peaceful, five-day stretch of being home-based. Tomorrow I’ll have to return to my nursing home gig, and I’m scheduled to be there on Friday as well. I’m asking for ease, grace, and gentle transition.
I can play with the Art of Embarking, and craft a beautiful force field containing all the qualities I need and desire.
Continuing to play with playfulness, at every opportunity!
Oh let’s see, from the pot:
I didnt get much Movemnet at all last week, due to my hips being all tender and messed up. But that’s finally resolving so let’;s throw that back in.
I wnat to Flail again and get back to journaling on “what i did, what came up”.
Sobriety, a lil bit. Exiting the Day, a lil bit. Need more of both of these things, with gentleness.
The Bad ExHusband Thing is still in process but has not been a negative thing for me or the kid. Need to feed the Security Team for this one.
Folk Magick COnference has completely shifted around. Looking at my credit card balance, from the August of Emergency car repairs and school clothes Debacle, and crunching numbers, I felt that the Conference would be tiring physically and emotionally, that I would probably be unsatisfied when I got home, and would add close to a grand to my balance. I am letting this want go very easily and graciously, without any regret. I dont want my first trip to NOLA to be rushed or a tease. So happy to let this go, and happy to subsitute a Southern COnjure course after Halloween.
So: more Movement, more sleep, more Exiting the Day, more journaling. Being grateful, feeding the Boyz. Also, I’ve discovered Humming (Bhramari) and wow, is that awesome. So I’ll play with:
-exploring
-noticing
-gratitude
-gentleness
-play