Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
What if all of these are related and I don’t need to know how?
The situation. And background.
My wants this week are all vying for attention, each one making a pitch for why it is the most vital.
Yes, my darlings, you are all so important to me.
So I am going to whisper all the wants into a hollow tree that is secretly a door to a machine that processes all the wants and turns them into qualities, which leads to quiet, which leads to resting.
And I want (this is my biggest want) to trust that they are all connected, they are all related, whichever one I work on is enough.
I want to…
- breathe eight breaths.
- write and write and write, without measuring the writing or caring about word count or pages
- know that when I am not-writing, this is also part of writing
- measure some things, even though I think measuring is a distortion, because it is useful to be able to prove to my time monsters that things take way more (or way less) time than they think.
- be really present and do entry/preparation for two potentially stressful interactions this week
- take care of myself during the dance class and have really clear boundaries
- enjoy the Open House, while creating safety for myself
- nap joyfully!
- trust more
- wham-boom the ops!
- adjust to being at home again
- take more time for myself than I think I need
What will help?
Secret codes.
Boltholes.
Eight directions.
Being a golden compass.
Remembering that I am the pirate queen. Seriously, if I were the captain of the ship, or the CEO of a giant company, or the chief of police, or the PERSON IN CHARGE, which I am, and the ship or the company or the city was in a temporary state of crisis, which it is, would I not take better care of myself and do what is needed so that I could effectively do what I need to do? I hope that I would. This might be very much the wrong analogy, but I am using it anyway.
If I have to get this ship around Cape Horn and I can’t get enough sleep because the three year old next door has full-blast 4 a.m. temper tantrums, and it is vital that I sleep because I am the one who steers the ship…
I’d like to think that I would have the [courage and integrity] or whatever it is to make sleep my priority. To move rooms so that I am not disrupted. To get noise-canceling headphones. To do something, anything, to take steps so that I can function, because taking care of me and the ship is the most important thing for the world.
What if I took myself and my mission more seriously? What then?
Without getting upset with people or circumstances, or all the things that want my time and energy. Just clearly saying: no, can’t do that, need to sleep.
What if I can take myself to the hollow tree that is a door that is a resting place?
The qualities inside of the wants:
Same compass as the last three weeks, the qualities of the compass of Operation Jewel Star, except now I am combining them with the Vicarage compass:
VITAL Replenishing. INTERNAL Play. GOLDEN COMPASS of Presence. ALIGNING with Pleasure. RESETTING Plenty. ACCESSING my Radiance. GLOWING Receptivity. ENERGY that is Resonant.
And the superpower of I Have Support Everywhere.
What might help?
Asking for what I need. Taking time for myself. Not apologizing.
Also, checking the menstrual-cycle-tracking app on my phone so that I have CONTEXT, so that if I feel enraged in response to the question “would you like to have dinner with my parents tonight”, I can remember that while the seed of the frustration I feel might be mine, the amount of it is hormones.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code or silent retreat. Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Progress on the op!
- Miracles everywhere.
- The ballroom has its own magic, just like the Spiegelsaal.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
- Past me is a GENIUS.
- I sleep like the happiest baby.
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it.
- Hawaii.
- People are signing up for Rally (RALLY!), and planning the rallies is super fun and exciting.
- I can see why this moment is good.
- Trust and steadiness.
This week’s ops?
- The life of a Chocolatier
- Operation Extra-Extra Chocolate Sprinkles
- The MAGIC EIGHT BALL REASONS
- Operation A Loved Little Thing, take 3
- Operation The A of A
- Operation Hail Kaiser, Final Steps!
- Mission: I Have A Vision!
- Operation Apple Love.
I do what I can, and trust that whatever happens is good.
I’m playing with…
Mapping and napping.
Request!
Can you help support our magical Red Rose Ballroom by liking it on Facebook? And spreading the word about the Red Rose Ballroom to anyone you know who might want to run events or programs or parties in Portland?
Announcement!
Do you want to be on the STANDBY list for Rally?
We have a fantastic deal available for the B Rally, the second of the Alphabet Rallies. And if you can’t make it, go there anyway and sign up to be notified next time there’s a stand-by deal!
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Operation Buffer Magic….
This is the hardest thing for me, sometimes. Adding in extra padding in terms of space and time.
I’m really glad I wrote about it as a theme, because it helped me be more aware of how I am in transitions.
I especially noticed the parts of me that really do not seem to understand how transitions work.
Like, that voice that says “oh, it’s fine, you can totally put on liquid eyeliner two minutes before you have to leave for the bus, what could go wrong?”
Anyway, good noticings. Also I got a lot of help from people talking up the Open House at our Ballroom this coming Wednesday, thank you so much everyone who has been helping to spread the word!
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
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A breath of VPA entry–as I want to be in it which is honest about where I am: I’m in my stuff and I’m about to make wishes. Okay. Yeah. Let’s call it data gathering on what happens when I do that.
This week, I want writing time DAMMIT! I want clear and loving communication while I stay connected to my core DAMMIT! I want to know what I really want when my mind goes “grow the fuck up will you” DAMMIT.
Ahhhhhhhhh. Wah. Okay. Exiting as I wish to continue–hugging myself because baby, this is how it is right now.
Hello, Sunday!
This week, I am planting the following gwishes:
-Seeking dance partner/snuggle buddy to take to weddings and other events where there is dancing and overnighting for a platonic but adoring partnership. Candidate must be able to lead ballroom/latin dance stuff awesomely. Interest in learning contra or line dance a bonus. I’m picturing a gay man, but I’m an equal opportunity dance partner employer, willing to consider all genders and sexual orientations. Must love hippies. Weekend availability a must.
—
Last week I wanted:
-A small miracle for the car (Inconclusive data so far…)
-More understandings and clarity for myself about my needs for emotional support when things are hard. (Definitely got more information on this)
-A hand to hold at the funeral. (Not having to go to the funeral because I was out of town also worked…)
-Cuddles. (Feeling less wilty and fairly well embraced this weekend but still wondering how to have this in my life a lot more regularly)
-Wanting what I want (Yep!)
-Deciding to do both things being easy (Yep!)
-Ease with flow (Always more information….
-A delightful weekend retreat! (Yay!!!! So great!!)
-Operation Tolllllllless success (Yep!)
-The thing in Woostah (Nope! Would like to this week spend some time processing this though. Back in the pot!)
And I forgot to close my italics… I wonder if I can do it here?
Oh, Havi! EVERY TIME I come here I find something that rocks me back and makes me sit down and just breathe. In awe and presence. Today it is this: “I am going to whisper all the wants into a hollow tree that is secretly a door to a machine that processes all the wants and turns them into qualities, which leads to quiet, which leads to resting.”
Oh, thank you for that!
Today is a brilliant fall Monday – crisp and sunny, with a hint of damp left form overnight showers. A good day for VPAs!
Thing One:
More writing progress. I finished part one, took a few days breathing space, and now I’m flowing into part two. I want to keep a gentle but steady rythym going, like the clackety-clack of a train.
Ways this could work? Just showing up. Getting comfortable. Giving myself all the things I need to make it happen (coffee, comfortable chair, the right pen dammit!)
Thing Two:
Agent M and I have an anniversary coming up next week. The past year has been tumultuous, and while I don’t like making a big deal out of these dates, I want to honour this particular day in a playful, loving way.
Ways this could work? Finding the perfect, playful gift that strikes the balance of loving + funny; Clearing space out around the day and not letting anything cross the line; going to the apple orchard (because he’s been talking about wanting to do that)
Thing Three: I want to maintain really firm boundaries with someone who is manipulative and (consciously/unconsciously) a timing mastermind. (Spend a week planning day trip to the beach? Guaranteed they’ll call with a “huge emergency” the moment I step into the car.)
Ways this could work? Stepping into my best self for this task: compassionate + firm, gentle + strong, empathetic + centred. Not being afraid to take concrete steps to maintain boundaries (social media, turning off the phone, etc.)
(Sidebar: My monsters are really doubtful this will work because we have such a history with this person, and I feel a lot of guilt/pain/shame around declining gifts or not answering their calls. A breath for trust. A breath for I-matter-just-as-much. A breath for everyone’s pain.)
Update on last week’s VPAs: I gained a lot of information about why yoga feels so impossible right now; made more headway into my project; operation passport will be finished tomorrow!
Goodness, but my VPAs scare me lately. I will tread gently.
Into the pot:
–courage
–support
–movement
–grounding
–possibility
–hope
–re-configuration
I’m playing with:
–“Begin anywhere.”
<3
(Hey, maybe it’s a compass! in which case, I’ll place “Begin anywhere” as my true north.
It’s time to speak in code to and about Operation Tangerine Sachet (Sashay!):
The background: sour grapes. shriveled stuff. jangles and tangles.
I want: Brightness and sweetness. Pockets and pops of color and vitality. Layers of scent and sense.
What will help? simple stitching. letting time and warmth do their thing.
Qualities: Hope. Rest. Patience. Sustenance.
A clew: The handprints on the wall of the ramen joint.
What else do I want? Good meals. Good meetings. Good massaging. Good melting into sleep. Good melding of scraps and sketches.
I’m playing with: shedding socks. Making marks.
Warm wishes to all y’all, and a big virtual bouquet to the open-housing of the ballroom.
I haven’t VPA’d in forever because the windows were all covered in mud and I couldn’t see out. They have cleared and I can now see where I am and can think about where I want to go.
So this is what I want- to turn my energy towards me, to stop letting it leak out like those tendrils off a tomato plant that make the fruit too small. And for the rotten tomatoes and dead leaves and useless tendrils to fall off and be compost for the rest of the plant to grow on. And then, when the right situation comes along, to reach out a strong, flexible, tender, healthy branch and hold on tight.
*big love*
Hello hello! I might be a little late, but not a dollar short 🙂
Anyway, school starts for me this week. My second year of graduate school. So I’m hoping for smooth sailing this week. Also, Havi’s note on checking the period tracking app to remember that level of frustration can come from hormones is totally something I need to make a point to do.
Okay, I want to be focused on entry into the school year, I want to set up for all my classes and be prepared for my class that I am teaching.
I also want to work on my books and make progress on them as well. 🙂
SO much going on, but making VPAs feels kinda vulnerable.
VPA: PM Calyx. I’ve been vibing this for a while, and I did have one PM Calyx day last week (props to me!) But this needs to be more regular and consistent, the rule not the exception.
I’ll Play with: Sigils, self talk, and early AM workouts as a goal.
ICT: being present, noticing
into the pot:
-lots of continued things: continued peace in the house, being in a good place with the husband, the new homework plan
-Operation TTT. Looks like it’s actually going to happen in Oct!
-Operation HarvestHome. (need to make this a Caper)
-Operation ShipShape
-Secure the Stronghold! Turning the least piratey thing into a Pirate Caper!
-a nice peridot neckace