Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
What do I want?
This is Day 13 of Bed Rest, and I want to be well.
I also want to find a way to enjoy Operation Bed Rest, which probably needs a new name. I want to think of it like retreating to the Vicarage.
What do I want?
Related to this: right now everything in Portal Land is canceled due to weather, and I want to find out what is useful about Canceled By Weather.
Before I got sick, I invited Agent Anna to go dancing this weekend, and then she couldn’t go because she was sick too.
And then we got a billion feet of snow, and the dance was canceled by weather.
Agent Anna: That works for me, as I have also been canceled by weather.
What is good about things being canceled by weather? What other things are canceled by weather, in less obvious ways?
What do I want?
Once upon a time I wanted to write fiction, and I spent so many years circling around that dream out of habit that I didn’t even notice it wasn’t actually what I wanted anymore.
My dream was canceled by weather and I wasn’t paying attention.
Once I poured all of my love into a bookshop and what I got instead was a chocolate shop. My original plan was canceled by weather.
One day you notice you’ve been trudging through the snow for miles, carrying a suitcase with someone else’s stuff in it. You don’t need the suitcase. You don’t even need to be out in the woods. You can definitely put it down.
The thing you originally thought was the plan has been canceled by weather. Go home. Sit in bed. Eat soup.
What do I want?
To let go.
To let it go.
To let things go.
To let the things that are already gone go.
To let go of my need to cling to things that are clearly gone. They’ll either come back or something better will come. I am not helping things by holding on.
If something has been canceled by weather — or postponed by weather, time to let it go.
What do I want?
Ease and sweetness in letting go.
What do I want?
A TV ending.
During this ridiculous, frustrating, interesting sojourn into the Land Of Being In Bed All The Time, I have watched a hundred billion television episodes on Hulu, using these as clue-searching missions.
And there is this cool thing about American television, or at least the shows I’ve been watching: STUFF WORKS OUT.
They’re going to close the bar down but then someone died and left their money to a friend, and now they can save their bar, yay. The photographer is lying, but then they saved the photographer’s life, and everything is fine now, yay.
I want that.
I want perfect simple solutions.
What do I want?
To remember that Now Is Not Then.
When I was in university, I went through a year of chronic fatigue.
It was a combination of [Unsolvable Mystery], depression, anemia, freaking out about my future, more mystery. But I couldn’t move. Even going downstairs to pick up the mail would wipe me out for the day.
Right now my body is worn out and exhausted from fighting off this virus, and I am experiencing fear that this is going to be like then. Even though that was nearly twenty years ago, and everything is different. Fear.
Fear that my energy will not return.
Fear that I won’t find my way out.
So I need to remember that now is not then. And that me-now doesn’t have to carry all the fear of me-then.
I don’t have to carry anyone’s fear but my own.
What do I want?
I wrote this last week:
To do less.
And to have that make space for more. As in: write more, dance more, sleep more, think more, release more, glow more, hum more, find more clues.
So, in other words, I want everything that doesn’t support this mission to be canceled by weather.
Or maybe it’s already all been canceled by weather, and all I need to do is open my eyes.
Open my eyes, put down the suitcases.
What do I want?
If my life is canceled by weather, then all I have to do is take care of myself. Write, dance, and take care of myself.
What do I want?
To find the good.
To smile at the broken pots and say, thank you for breaking.
Where/how do I want to start playing with this?
Well, I will be at Rally next week, and I can practice Deep Cover.
And I can use this time for writing.
Anything else coming up?
I really need to trust myself here.
I’m noticing how much I am second-guessing myself, ever since following the path to the bookstore lead to the chocolate shop.
What are the qualities of my wish?
Trust. Steadiness. Peacefulness. Calm. Breathing. Patience. Plenty. Radiance.
What would help me move forward on this? How am I going to play?
This is right. This is right. This is right.
Find the useful.
Turn inward. Put everything down.
Clues?
“How much are you living to prove yourself? There is nothing to prove.”
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
This week’s ops?
I write when I want to write. I sleep when I want to sleep. I let things be canceled by weather.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Double Agent…
My wish had to do with going into Deep Cover and sneaking back in to my lost sabbatical.
This wish went deep. I uncovered a lot of pain and a lot of surprises. And I no longer feel conflicted about being a double agent: I’m ready to go in.
Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I’m going to need help meeting our budget this year (it’s a Blodgett!) so that I can keep doing this work.
Take a look at Operation Sustenance (password: fredastaire) to see everything offered for 2014. And please spread the word about this site and the work play we do with self-fluency. Let’s have more people playing. I want to meet the Blodgett, and I really want to distribute treasure!
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
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Havi, I love this post–thank you so much for it!
*bookmarks it for future reference*
I’m sending you good wishes for feeling better and for making excellent discoveries whether from bed or not!
Thank you, Karensu! I love “whether from bed or not”, and am adopting it as an important part of all my superpowers. I can fly, whether from bed or not! I can discover things, whether from bed or not!
I like this post. We seem to be having a lot of weather at the moment.
This week I want to retreat as far as I possibly can retreat. I want to prepare well for the week of fun and theatre and people that is to follow.
Also, this morning’s service-sheet typo: kindly brightness. I think I like kindly brightness more than the original version.
“Kindly brightness.” The image in my head is a cartoon sun with a big smiley face. Love it!
Clew: I was taking the garbage out just now, and my across-the-street neighbor, who is homebound, rapped on her screen door to get my attention, and then we blew kisses at each other.
Clew, maybe: Two vendors disappointed me last week. The experiences didn’t do my trust issues any favors — but it also feels in a roundabout way like the universe sending encouragement to me about keeping things super simple, which has been meeting with resistance from Me Who Wants to Go to Memphis, Me Who Wants to Buy All the Things, etc.
Clew: carnival invitation. Time for the tiara?
Gwishes:
My sweetie had a hard day yesterday. Wishing him (and his truck) ease in getting back to rights.
Clients new to publishing: wishing them ease with the rest of the process.
Roof needs fixing, vermin to get gone: wishing for progress on these fronts. And to not feel put-upon if I have to nag-nudge said progress into progressing. [private WTCW here]
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Thank you, Havi.
Update on last week: the loose ends are still dangling. Hello, pattern, hello. I pat you on the head, gently. I know that you want to protect me from pain.
I am renewing my VPA with a fresh emphasis on how I want to *feel* in this process. I want to feel creative, and I want to feel loving. Creativity is ever-present, right there in front of me, my true north. To the south, just behind me, love has got my back. When fear appears, I will meet it, with creativity and love.
Whoosh Ha Mastadon BOOM! 🙂
boom!!
Canceled by Weather is the best. Here we call it Snow Day! We had a Snow Day this week, right in the middle and it was glorious. Because I get to go out and move the snow and see everyone else doing the same, and doing the simple practice of foot by foot moving something from one place to another and watching the space open up. And everything is canceled.
What I wish for this week:
Strong lungs. Slow hiking partners. Able legs. Blue skies. New clients. And the strength to listen to my friend and remember that I don’t need to and can’t fix her. Or her lazy stupid boyfriend.
Pennies into the fountain for my own circus and everyone elses.
“I don’t have to carry anyone’s fear but my own.” <– This. Thank you!
Into the fountain:
Operation Peaceful Telekinetic Rearrangement (P.T.R)
What do I know about rounding up goats? (Suggestions welcome!)
Continuing last week's ask about snack-sized art.
Updates on last week: sleep has been up and down (though last night I had a fabulous dream where I was a thief/spy in a medieval fantasy city) and letting go is getting easier – the things that don't belong to me are finding their way out the door. Also, snack-sized art time is blooming some astonishing results!
Happy week everyone 🙂
This post resonated with me. There are a lot of things cancelled by weather right now. Both snow in specific and cold in general. Last night was full of scary meltdown for the first time in six weeks. Many gwishes for a smooth transition of the seasons, starting to feel the edges of my resilience strain under the darkness. Also having some need to remember that this is not then.
Hoping to connect to people at Boskone next weekend. First time in over four years, going to a large event with the intent to play. Made many badge ribbons and have some ideas for collaborative art. Scared that my social outgoingness will not be where I need it, but I expect it will be.
Gwishing to both project as a competent animal and not hide the parts that are the most vulnerable and therefore voluble for others to see. Dancing this tightrope on a still fairly new project.
Thank you, Havi!
Wow! This hit home. I’m getting a fair bit of canceled by weather lately. It reminds me a little of the (I think) Lennon quote: Life is what happens while you’re making plans. But there’s more, of course, about what to do about the cancellations: letting go of the suitcase and maybe even leaving the path in the forest.
Wow.
I was supposed to be back home already, but that plan was canceled by weather and I’ll be in Spain another week. My wish is to be able to do All the Things, including Emptying All the Boxes and All the Old Apartments, Finding Happy New Systems, and oh so especially: Easy Solutions.
Thank you Havi for these reminders. Wishing you and all the Fluent Selfers wonderful weeks! From bed or not. 🙂
I first read that as “cancel the weather” — I wish I could cancel the subzero temps and the winds, especially when events haven’t been canceled by the weather. On the other hand, cabin fever….
I’m daydreaming of escaping to warmer climes but can’t. Reality bites.
Ops for this week: change the cabin; set up DTPs; clobber a couple of iguanas; shovel a bunch of shit. That’ll keep me busy all week, and at the end I’ll sigh with relief, and rejoice that I have done those things.
Piling on:
Not only has much in my life been canceled due to weather (I don’t know about y’alls weather, but my weather has been a total FROG TORNADO), but the rest *I* am canceling due to weather.
Everything must go! It’s all canceled. Wow, that feels better.
Yay, Max! That works so well with your clue about [What needs to be eliminated? EVERYTHING!]. <3
Sneaking in a tiny little wish for a growing certainty. Maybe the crocus bulbs underground are beginning to send out shoots (never mind the temperatures around here, this is creative visioning!) and that is what my unknown future is doing too.
I can see tiny bits of it, like the very hint of swelling where buds will come on the trees, and that’s making me simultaneously relieved that I can see something coming and impatient. I feel like I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.
A lot like February, isn’t it? Oh, yes. Hello.
It must be really hard to be unwell for more than a few days..
My mom was sick and coughing and in bed for the last week, and she went to the doctor today and he told her that what she has, besides from the flu, is an allergy to dustmites that live on the bed…
I know anything that looks like advice sucks, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help thinking about your Bed Rest when she told me.
Get well soon!
Thanks! It is not the flu, and not dustmites. Glad your mom got what she needed.
I have been wanting desperately to be able to see how all the loneliness I’ve been feeling (and stories I’ve been telling myself about it) were distortion… and then I had some mega-epiphanies this morning, and suddenly I could see the distortion, clear as day. And then I wasn’t in it anymore. And I’m sure there are many more things I want, but I am grateful for this right now. I would just like to continue to be able to receive what I need. <3
The best!!!!
<3
I have what I want. Let me open myself, and open again. Let me receive it, trust it, cherish it. Yes, this much life, this much. Let me open myself, and open again. I have what I want. Let me have it, and experience the having, instead of yearning. HAVE IT. Beats yearning for it by a long mile. It means opening. So let me open myself to it, and open again.
May it be so. <3