Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
What do I want?
So I was sick in bed for over two weeks and then I hurt my ankle, and basically I’ve been in bed for almost a month, and I am GOING OUT OF MY MIND. Well, in my more grace-filled moments, I am registering this clear invitation to rest. Other moments I think if I can’t dance soon I will be lost forever.
(Also, and this does not help, I have the post-Rally blues, and I have them bad. Though remembering that this is sometimes a thing is helping.)
I want hopefulness, I want a return of energy, I want a way to interact with the pain-fear, I want to stay connected to myself.
What do I want?
Ah. Okay. I can’t do any of the usual things that keep me in my happy-hum state — dancing! bouncing! walking! moving! sun salutations! — and I need to find new ways to Release and Disperse.
Because it turns out that [Release and Disperse] is vital to my mental, emotional, energetic and physical well-beings. All the wells and all the states of being. I need releasing and dispersing.
So I either need to find new ways to have Release and Disperse, or I need something else and I don’t know what that is yet.
What do I want?
I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about Ayurveda here. In Ayurveda there are three ways-that-people-can be.
These are like states of being or constitutions or tendencies. And, because People Vary, we hang out in all kinds of combinations of these states. There’s earth, fire and air — (Earth, Wind and Fire? I just got that.) — and then all the ways these interact.
Normal for me is basically a 50/50 split between pitta and vata. Half fire and half air. I have no earth to speak of, it is ridiculous. I enjoy the good parts of winds and fire: Sparks! Passion! Play! Creativity! Ideas!
This earth thing though, I do not have it figured out yet. So I surround myself with earth people because ahhhh it is so comforting. They’re super grounded, they always want to give me hugs, they cook for me, they are happy when I come around. It’s lovely.
The thing with earth people though (haha, that sounds like I am a visitor from another planet, I do kind of feel that way at times) is that they do not understand my deep physical need — yes, I NEED this — to release and disperse excess energy.
They’re like, “Extra energy, what’s that? That sounds so nice! And why can’t you just save it for later?”
Me: “WHAT. No. There is no saving this energy. This needs to exit my space right now. I need to RELEASE AND DISPERSE or I will explode. I need to bounce and frolic and be a gazelle. I need to punch things and leap and bound and make sounds and let it all out. I need to burn it off, I need to let off steam. I need to dance or I will die.”
And then they hug me and make me soup, which is very nice, and they do not understand what I am talking about.
What do I want?
(I want to feel understood.)
And?
I need to find new ways to release and disperse, and I do not know what they are yet.
This is where all the people with lots of kapha (earth element) say things like, “Oh, you could channel that energy into knitting.” No, I cannot. This isn’t the kind of energy that is for channeling. This is for dispersing and releasing. And knitting would make me even crazier. I don’t know how to explain it better than that, so you have to trust me.
I do not want suggestions. I just want to find my own way into something that works for me.
What do I want?
Hahaha, two weeks ago my wish was all about letting go.
So now I am in a state where I am ready to let go in the usual (and unusual) ways, and I need new ways. So. All Timing Is Right Timing. Again.
This is the next level of the video game. Time to learn a new skill.
Not knitting though. For me, I mean. The skill of new ways to release and disperse, disperse and release.
What do I want?
This is a bit of a tangent. I am noticing some LFP (Ludicrous Fear Popcorn) that all my knitting readers, which make up like, 99% of my readership apparently, are going to realize that I don’t knit and will instantly abandon my blog forever.
I love you, knitters of the world!
And I love you, small-scared Havi who generates Ludicrous Fear Popcorn so that slightly-wiser-Havi can remember that all fear is legitimate, and also that all fear has a component of slightly-to-very ludicrous.
I could spend my whole life noticing and learning about my fears. This is, in fact, what I do with my life. It is such a big part of self-fluency. I am a professional translator of LFP.
So really you might say that [Release and Disperse], for me, is about doing the things that quiet me down enough so that I can have an easier time practicing self-fluency.
And if the usual ways aren’t available to me, I still can notice my LFPs and learn about them..
What do I want?
What do I want?
I want my ankle to heal and I want to run away to the Vicarage. Yes, I want that.
What do I want?
Comfort. To know that I am held.
What do I want?
To remember that this feeling is a natural and normal reaction for me to be experiencing, and that it is okay. Unpleasant, sure, and also: okay.
It makes sense that someone who moves for hours a day feels lost and confused when she cannot move.
It makes sense that someone who processes emotional stuff through the physical needs other ways to process. And yes, I have other ways to process. It’s just that having the physical helps me use the other ones too, and now I don’t have the physical, and it is hard for me.
Where/how do I want to start playing with this?
Things that are like releasing and dispersing: emptying and replenishing. Baths are good. Maybe I can go to the soaking pool and move my body a little in the water. Maybe. I don’t really feel like being out in the world though, not yet…
What else?
I can: Joyfully Delete Things. DELETED! SOLVED!
For example, I can clear out Dropbox, which is the kind of thing that usually is completely unappealing to me and by all logic should be extra-unappealing in current mood. However, it seems like the exacxt right thing to, I don’t know, make things move, shake stuff up, kick things around, let energy start circulating again.
Also I really, really, really want to paint the dining room. Well, not so much to do it as to have it done. Still. It is this kind of pale, dead, very light green and it is stupid and it needs to change. It needs to be that buttery-cream color that Richard has. Yes. Okay, this is good, getting intel about what is incongruent, this helps.
And I can do lots of congruencing in the house. Small shifts. Just one something. Or my favorite practice of ten things gone. Like that.
Anything else coming up?
More deleting! More deleting! Possibly with sound effects.
And also, remembering what wise-me said yesterday during old Turkish lady yoga (even as I was having trouble finding ways to be with my body that did not put pressure on my ankle)…
Go Back To The Things You Love. This Is The Answer. Go way back. To swingsets and being tucked into bed, to hiding in piles of blankets and reading detective stories, to a low wooden balance beam, to music that moves you, to the mysterious smells of spring. Return to this and you will know what to do.
What are the qualities of my wish?
Presence. Trust. Pleasure. Play. Breathing. Patience. Wellness. Reverberation.
Clues?
This amazing video of Sweet Child Of Mine.
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
This week’s ops?
More progress on Saying Everything Twice (Saying Everything Twice!), and Boarding the New Ship.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka releasing layers…
My wish had to do with releasing layers, which in retrospect, may have unearthed some things that are now requiring all this Releasing and Dispersing.
So that is good. That means this current experience of Must Release And Disperse But How is related to the work I did before. Which means that not only is it true that Nothing Is Wrong (as always), but this is a part of an important process. It is something I am going through to get to the next piece.
Alright. Maybe this is part of the transition from the Year of Emptying & Replenishing into the upcoming Year of Emerging & Receiving. Part of the path, not keeping me from the path. Good to remember. I will play with trusting and remembering that Nothing Is Wrong.
Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
FIVE DAYS LEFT to join some part of Operation Sustenance (password: fredastaire) and, if you like, to be in my Year of Emerging & Receiving where you get to read all my journals, among other things.
And whether this is something you can be a part of right now or not, I love you just as much either way. I would appreciate any help in spreading the word about this blog and the work play we do with self-fluency. Let’s have even more lovely people playing here this year.
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
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Ooooh, I must be “Half fire and half air” too! I definitely have no Earth, that’s for sure!
Also: *zomg, Havi writing about Ayurveda!!!* *endless yoga-fan wowz*
I don’t know what my parts are Ayurveda-style, and I would suspect that I have earth because that’s most of my horoscope (maybe they’re completely different? Will research!), but I do know the movement thing. Oh, do I know! It’s been six days and I feel awful but I really want to go get sweaty. It just is a thing that I need!
LFP Translator! YES. Oh, yes.
What do I want?
I want this unhealthy thing to dissolve, because this is the year of I Don’t Get Sinus Infections. At least, that’s my wish.
I want focus for the physical. These are related.
I don’t know how this works, aside from sinus rinsing and extra sleep and rest and peacefulness. So, lack of anxiety would rock. That oh shit moment on Friday to not have consequences. My car gets fixed and I get new tires and it’s all fine and dandy, thanks.
In other words, the things that make me anxious and scared and stressy become non-issues.
And I am seeing here that it’s likely there’s a correlation between bad things happening in my life and my level of health. Which I knew, but it’s not every day I have a car accident (SMB) so I have extra special information now.
And it is a large clue I’ve been handed that I lost control thanks to some ice, and there is no way to control that, and I think this is pointing to me easing the fear(s) that leads me to want/need control. Yes.
Let me finish with some qualities: Ease (always!), compassion, calm, acceptance, sweetness, releasing. Ah, yes.
whispering release disperse release disperse release disperse
SMB!
This post resonated big time for me. Wishing you luck in finding new ways to release and disperse. Having just completed my part of the Epic Move, and still recovering from that and all the Transitions, now my wish is for Releasing and Replenishing. Much LFP about Where I Am and Who I Might Run Into, but I Am Here and I’ll Run Into Whomever I Run Into. Everything Is Alright and Nothing Is Wrong. Wishing for Ease and ways to Disperse and a helping of Grounding (being also 50/50 pitta and vata too).
Wishes for wonderful weeks for all!
The Ayurveda piece is SO helpful to me right now. I don’t have extra energy usually, until I DO, and then zomg what DO i DO? (knitting would not help me either).
what’s been working lately:
-compassing RADIANCE: rested, awake, DANCING, integrated, aware, numinous, centered, engaged. SO helpful
-asking questions. I’ve been doing this throughout Aquarius and it primes me up to receive answers. I’ve asked, How do i receive things, when i resist them? what is my part of community and how do i connect there?
-Exiting the Day routine. in addition to my rose tea and melatonin, i’m adding an evening sit. still investigating
-Running the Iron Pentacle a few times a week (trying for daily but that has not happened yet)
-journaling and Temple practices
This week’s Ops and things I want:
-to be at peace re: the Occultist
-to be at peace re: being married to a raging, black out drunk and all the ways that FUCKS with me
-my brother out of the hospital and well
-connecting with the wing people
-getting Guidance and knowing it’s Guidance when it comes
– signing Ship’s articles
-writing. for the love of Mike, JUST DO IT.
-gettng back to the to-do list and working thru it.
Good night folks!!
I have been a Beloved Lurker for awhile, but I find myself wanting to metaphor it up and throw a gwish in the pot!
So here goes:
All this week, but tomorrow especially, I would like the Wild Bunch to become the Cheerfully Calm Bunch when they enter my space, _without_ my having to Ride Herd on them, or worse yet, Crack the Whip.
And I would like a salve to help me face the larger issue with clarity and groundedness. The larger issue (mysterious and challenging mystery?) is that I would like to be a Wild Bunch Whisperer, but my Whispering only works sometimes, and I have a Trail Boss who has made clear that she has no patience with waiting for me to get better at it, and I should just Crack the Whip, which she considers the only proper method for dealing with a Wild Bunch anyway.
Even though I am guaranteed work through the Ranch hands’ Union, it’s tough working with a Trail Boss who doesn’t think I have what it takes to corral the Wild Bunch. And I’m not sure if I should try to transfer to a different Trail Boss on the same ranch, look for work at a different ranch (or maybe some place ranch-like but not a ranch? A garden? A farm sanctuary? A wildlife refuge?) or maybe start my own Wild Bunch Whispering Ranch…
*tosses gwish into pot*
I am a regular reader, and a fiber artist (not much of a knitter), and I did not think that you saying knitting didn’t work for you meant anything more than that.
I also NEED TO MOVE, and no one in my life understands that. Including, I guess, me, because I don’t actually have a regular practice of movement. And maybe I should.
Wise Havi is so wise. What she said resonated with me. Go back to what you love.
I need to sit with this for a while.
Meanwhile, I want throw these things into the pot:
Playing with MTB 2.O
What WATER means
Menus (not that kind, but maybe including them)
Rose-scented everything’
Cotton sheets (I think this is part of going way back, as Wise-Havi said to do.)
I am asking myself “What do I want” and each answer goes deeper — beyond “a cup of tea” to “being taken care of” to “knowing everything will be okay” to… I’m discovering that this simple practice has great power.
Qualities: reassurance, freedom, memories, contentment, movement and stillness, flowingness, strength, love.
I knit, but it is very much not energy releasing. For me it is energy focusing and can only be done at certain times. The hiking is the energy releasing, the disbursement of the adrenaline that builds up, and then I leave it in the dirt (or snow right now.)
My vision for the week.
I kept remembering sad things. A person who did not love me and it was not good for my brain. And then I remembered a person who did love me and who I loved a hundred years ago, and I reached out to him. And all of a sudden the memory of loving and being loved flooded my brain and washed away all the badness. And 20 year old me and current me had a little reunion and it was lovely. I told her what I had learned, and she told me what she remembered and we smiled and laughed and said “awww, remember that?” And there was much joy. So, I’m going to keep letting all of that wash away everything I want gone.
And I want a week of Purpose and Profitability and Planning and Publishing. And things that start with P. Persistence. Perkiness. Punctuality.
Oh, Toss Ten Things! Barbara Freakin Sher! YES. Thank you for the reminder.
Deleting now. Starting with Elle magazine. (WHYYYYYY???? Why are you here????)
Toss Ten Things is the most effective strategy with my kids and their ongoing, perpetual mess-creation.
This week I would like:
Brighton Rocks. Inside Out Week.
Everything I need, I have.
Rest. Confidence. Progression. Healing.
May it be so.
<3
Just throwing a few things in the pot this week:
-More connection
-More play
-More boundaries and velvet ropes (and reminders that I get to feel how I want to feel in my spaces, including my online spaces!)
-More dance, yoga, movement in general. Every day I do something to move energy is one day I feel further away from the depression.
-More interacting with the monsters.
-More noticing (and changing) the patterns.
Last week, I planted a VPA about finding sustenance for moving to Boston because I have an offer to house sit. And then I realized that maybe house sitting isn't the best option, but that it was a good catalyst to move me to action. I'm working on consistent efforts to get me in the that direction, and I'm open to possibilities around what it looks like. House sitting might not be my bus, but maybe there's a train behind it? Who knows! I feel like things are shifting and like I am focused in the right way now. I release the "how" to the universe.
Some things I want:
* for my beloveds to feel cared for and appreciated, even when my efforts are awkward, unpracticed, feeble, or complication-making
* for my thanks to reach those who have nominated me for prizes, sent me good wishes, commented on my work, and/or performed other gestures of support that I either might not be aware of or whom I sent the thanks through an imperfect/unreliable method (aka gremlin-gobbled messages and the like)
* to figure out how best to de-wrinkle and de-fuzz the dress I would like to wear for Carnival in time for Carnival
* a shoe-deflecting tiara
* a secret wand for secretly channeling well-meant but unwanted advice away from the easily enraged monsters who get all shouty about how this advice doesn’t respect what-all I’m dealing with because I not only did not ask for the advice because I did not want it, I find myself outrageously resentful about having to be gracious about getting the advice even after gently indicating that the advice is not welcome
* gentleness toward Past Eager-Advice-Giving Me *cringe*
Where/how/huh/hmmm…
* mud tiara?
* boas and/or bows?
* coloring books?
* half-day hibernations?
* crochet hook as wand?
* reward the universe with more trust? it does keep sending me happy surprises. For example, I was thinking that it was time to buy a can of compressed air, and then I was unpacking a box of someone else’s stuff later today and lo, a can of compressed air.
* remembering that I am louder in my head than across space, and that my volume 7 goes through the speakers at volume 1 (e.g., when I think I’m practically screaming DO NOT WANT, odds are I’m being too subtle). dial up the sovereignty?
Warm wishes to all y’all, and safe travels to those traveling.
It is always good to hear from you, but right now it is extra-good to hear from you. Was having connectivity issues (here on the web, mirrored in Primary Life –so MANY FREAKING CONNECTIVITY ISSUES) so I could not see your blog.
No words. No nothing. Arrghbargle freakout moment — gently stifled. Patted into calmness. Reminding the monsters that everything is memory, and so long as one has that, then one has everything one ever had. A deep breath for memories; for the physical elements turned emotional and virtual.
And look! Here you are again. Yay for here-ness.
And yes, as you can tell from the email address, I knit. A lot. Like I breathe. I also swing a kettlebell as primary movement. I’m picking up social dancing again with my life partner.
The three have totally different energies. I can get that knitting– the little fiddly fidgety motions– might not be calming for someone who needs to move their whole body in rhythm and congruity. Swinging a bell and dancing solo with the iron in meditative moving silence is completely different from following my partner’s lead, open and feeling for his signals.
So wishing you your wishes coming into fruition. I will think of you while I knit on my socks.
<3 <3 <3
Seriously, SO many connectivity issues! And yay for here.
What a lovely way of describing those 3 behaviors. I, like Havi, need to move my whole body (a lot more often than I do), but Spouse is different, and no one else understands either.
Hmmmm! The monsters have been very alert and involved during my VPA sessions in recent weeks, which is making things a bit tricky. However, I seem to have uncovered something that the monsters want as much as I do.
What do I want? I want a suit. I have an event happening later this week, for which I want to wear a suit, and also I just want a suit in general.
How I want to feel in this suit: confident, creative, comfortable, powerful, graceful, smooth, effortlessly at ease and endlessly in my element.
I think perhaps this must be a Secret Agent suit. It’s definitely a power suit, but not necessarily in the conventional way, though it can take me to all the conventional places and keep me safe, strong, and securely…*me*.
And I’d like to find it tomorrow, please. 🙂
Throwing wishes from my wish jar into the pot!
+Golden Ticket to La Rosa Fabulosa with extra Sparkle Sauce [qualities include: celebration, belonging, companionship, delight, amazeballs]
+Good Vibrations (oooowooowooo) [qualities include: strength, appreciation, harmony, accomplishment, generosity]
+My new Secret Agent Gear (including a Huggabugg and a Beggalegg, and perhaps as well a few Swiggaliggs and Paggawaggs), may these be of the fractal flower nature [qualities include: comfort, power, presence/presents!, warmth]
+A perfectly simple DENOUEMENT (ee hee hee haw haw haw!) to Le Space Opera (OUTRAZHOOZ FRONCH AXONT necessary) [qualities: creativity, acceptance, play, spaaaaaaaaaaace!!!, willingness, opening, safety]
POOF!!