Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

♡

On Wednesday night I set off on Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic.

It’s been a long time in the works, and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it.

I mean, that’s a funny thing about planning for recovery.

Let’s see, I predict I am going to Completely Fall Apart in 3, 2, 1….

Ta da!

Yes, well.

One of the things I’m hoping to recover from is my tendency to do too much, fall apart, need to recover.

While planning for recovery is way better than suddenly discovering that I need Emergency Recovery Time because oh shit it’s too late and you can’t run on fumes anymore, this still is not the best system.

Hahaha RECOVERY.

I was trying to come up with a proxy mission or a cover story for this op, and then I started laughing because “I’m in recovery” is actually the most perfect thing ever.

I’m undercover. In recovery. It’s a recovery story of a cover story. It’s my recovery-cover undercover.

Okay. I’m having fun with this.

I mean, it’s a little close to home, yeah. But that’s part of what you get when you run away from what is familiar: a better look at what is actually there. To recover (yes!) the thing that is missing, even though it was always there.

In recovery from…?

From workaholicism? Yes and.

From grief? Yes and.

From the way I’ve been working for the past nine years since starting The Fluent Self. Yes and.

From incongruence. From thinking that things are wrong when in fact Nothing Is Wrong.

From exhaustion.

Yes, all of this.

What do I know about this?

It’s okay. I had to get to my edge to see I was at an edge.

Now I know where it is.

Testing this is part of aliveness.

What is Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic for?

For Recovery, obviously.

But also for other things. And not just Tranquility and Magic and combinations of those words.

This is also where I get to meet Bell West aka Mlle. Honeybelle, who is Incoming me.

More than that, she is alive me, she delights in aliveness. She is adventuring me, the me who bells the bells and tries things. She doesn’t think any of this is a mistake.

Right now I tend to think things are mistakes. I tried things with the [chocolate shop], I tried things with [the practice of the spirals], I tried things with dance. I lost everything and it hurts.

That’s not how she sees things at all. She thinks I’m brave and wild and fun, not a failure. She thinks it is absolutely marvelous the way I whole-heartedly throw myself into life and try things. So what if they don’t turn out the way I’d hoped? I went for it. She applauds this.

She and Sam have the same opinion here. I want to see with their eyes.

What else do I know about Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic?

I don’t need to do anything except be here and find out.

Yes, I brought projects with me. Probably way too many.

But mainly I need to sleep, eat, smile at my lover, let things show themselves to me.

They are already showing themselves to me, except sometimes I am not paying attention because I forget to take care of myself.

This op has to do with remembering that I count, that it is okay to come first, that I can joyfully choose to nourish myself instead of trying to figure out how to be of service.

I have monsters about all of these things, and yet: they are important. Vitally important. I can’t do the next op, whatever it is, without these skills.

What is next?

Trusting the voyage.

Skipping stones.

Adding “ta da!” to everything.

What if.

What if agreeing to recovery releases the magic of tranquility?

What else would I like from Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic?

Beautiful surprises.

Joyful laughter. I mean, like, that cosmic joyful buddha laughter where life is just so hilarious because nothing is wrong.

To clearly see the intel and to smile at it, to welcome it.

Checking in. How am I doing?

I feel peaceful and excited about discovery.

I feel happy that I am going on this particular adventure in companionship, with this particular companion. Usually I go alone. This is new and different, and right now, in this moment, it is right.

What do I really want? What is the desire behind this wish?

To become the person who can trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: This is right, my love.
Me: I know. It kind of scares me.
She:That’s good. That’s because you know that nothing will be the same after this. Tuck your hand into the hand of the you who is scared she will lose herself, and know that there is no lost. There is only more you to discover, more options, more ways to delight in life and aliveness, more vitality and more pleasure.
Me: Thank you.

Clues?

A spectacular sunset over the Sierras told me, in no uncertain terms:

Beauty is healing. Let it break you open, release and empty out, fill up on love, and allow beauty to heal what needs healing.

The superpower of wearing my crown.

Last month on the calendar was the month of embarking, and trusting the voyage.

Now we’re in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.

It’s funny that right now I am on a voyage, and it is a voyage specifically made for sovereignty. Because, of course, the fact that I neglect to take care of myself and get to these points where I need recovery: this is a sovereignty issue. It’s time to close out this cycle, learn a new way of being.

Ongoing wishes.

• Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
• I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
• This doesn’t require my input!
• Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
• I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
• Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
• I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
• I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me. See also: The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers. And adds panache.

Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka pre-provisioned…

I had a lovely insight about packing! Pack by qualities and pack by identity.

So I kind of have a lot of bags. But. I have a bag for dancer me. A bag for adventuring me. A bag for writer me. And a bag for glamorous luscious secret agent me.

It was much easier to pack for four versions of me than it was to just pack. This was a good experiment.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox

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