Very personal ads. They’re … very personal!
♡
What do I want?
Freedom.
When I say freedom, what kind of freedom is this freedom?
- Spacious.
- Anything is possible.
- I follow my guided, indicated desires with curiosity and joy.
- I am a bell. I reverberate with qualities.
- I am not tied down to places or obligation, other than my commitment to my own well-being/bell-being.
- Ah, this is my theme song!
What will grow? Who knows.
I have been thinking a lot about what it means to really commit to Shmita.
Shmita is sabbatical, pausing the work of planting fields, finding out what happens when I let my fields lie fallow. What happens when I choose Intentional Not-Planting?
All I want to plant this year is qualities:
Trust and possibility. Ease and delight. Rest and releasing. Love and sweetness. Glowing clarity. Bold joyful presence.
No projects. No plans.
I don’t believe in later anymore.
There is now, and there is now.
This is deliciously simple, and yet it gets tricky in my mind, when so many of the things I am currently doing are for future freedom, and future joy.
For example, getting different spaces ready to rent out so that I can step out of this current cycle of [working my ass off to create things that will bring in money to cover overhead so I can eventually stop working my ass off except that part never happens].
Since there is no later, I can’t just power through and suffer now for future joy.
I have to find ways to let this be joyful now.
Even when I choose [work], I need to approach it with sabbatical mind.
What is sabbatical mind?
Being curious about everything.
Choosing towards joy.
Planting qualities, not goals or projects. I might think the garden needs peas and onions, when actually the garden needs rest and love. My only job right now is to love the garden, and trust that whatever the garden wants to give me is right.
What else do I know about this?
Do things that are pleasurable. Do them twice.
Layer on experiences of sweetness.
If you want to plan a wild escape plan for a lion in a cage, you need to do things that help the lion feel lion-like. Return to lion state. Stretch and roar. Remember what that feels like. You are not helpless. You are a LION, and you are full of the intensity of life.
Anyway, the cage is maybe 90% imaginary at this point. You’ll see that more clearly when you start to feel like your lion self again. Stop thinking that remembering your lion self requires being completely outside the cage. Be your lion self now.
I don’t want a someday life. I want a now life.
I want to live a quiet, body-aware, true-yes life.
Aware of my yes. Honest with my yes. Committed to my yes. Yes to my yes!
And I want to do that now, and at all times, and not have this wish be contingent on things like [getting to a more supportive location] or changing my environment.
I mean, of course I am still working on making intentional changes in my environment, because external space influences internal space and vice versa, and all the corners of my kingdom are important.
Similarly, I’m still working on a grand master plan to exit the places I no longer want to be.
The point is though, no more waiting for X in order to be-or-feel Y. That is just unbelievably silly.
I know that intellectually, of course. Now it is time to know it in my body. In my lion body.
What do I know about my wishes?
This requires more patience than I currently have, and that’s okay.
That’s one of the skill sets I’m developing. That’s one of the reasons I have a Mysteriously Injured Knee that won’t let me walk and dance. Patience with the garden. Patience with the wishes. Patience with everything.
I need to undo any old ideas or notions that “joy will come when [I can dance again]”.
Joy comes now, when I invite it in, when I give legitimacy and permission to the very real feelings of not-joy, when I remember that everything I am feeling makes sense and is okay, when I am allowed to be as I am in this moment.
Joy comes when I look for it. When I choose away from not-a-joy-spark. When I follow the instinctive pull of my desires. When I discard the lip balm that I never liked. When I smile at a pink tulip in a jar.
Joy comes from perspective.
What else do I know?
I am so fortunate, in so many ways, and it is very easy to forget this.
Side note! I’m not into the current trend of labeling things “first world problems”, I think that often just shames people into forgetting to acknowledge that it’s okay that their current experience of pain is painful, which is the first step towards perspective.
We don’t want to reserve the fountain for people with “real problems” — the fountain is for everyone.
At the same time, sometimes I find it helpful to pause and breathe and laugh, and remember that my many of my current problems and challenges are kind of amazing.
I’m divorced! I love being divorced! I don’t have kids! I love this too! I have a job that allows me to work from anywhere. I can actually take off from my life and go wander the desert with my lover, or visit my wonderful uncle and play in the forest.
Sure, there’s money stuff to sort out, and that’s legitimately scary. And there’s the ongoing challenge of still having a chocolate shop that I never wanted. But there are no big, painful upheavals that need to happen for me in order to have the freedom to follow my desire. I have freedom, I just forget this.
Like the lion.
What else do I know?
I said this last week, and it’s still true:
Taking care of myself first is always the right answer.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Oh Havi Bell, the answer to every question is either a) be a bell and resonate, or b) do something that supports your bell-ness.
Me: Sometimes I can’t remember this.
She: Then ask. Be a bell of asking. Be a bell of curiosity. Questions are just someone wanting love. So reverberate with wanting. Reverberate with love.
Clues?
The thing about walking very slowly because my knee is in a brace is that I am much better at seeing clues in my surroundings. Guess what is painted on a wall that I actually walk by fairly often? A quote from Rumi, speaking of lions and imaginary cages of our own design:
I have gotten free of that ignorant fist that was pinching and twisting my secret self.
Yes, this is relevant to my wish, and to the garden.
This also reminds me of something Orna Sela, my teacher in Tel Aviv, used to say: When someone is in distress, they rattle at the bars and curse them for not bending enough to create an opening. If they’d just back up, they’d see that the cage only has one wall.
You can go in any direction except right in front of you. Back up. Breathe. Look around you. The cage is a misunderstanding.
The superpower of seeing beauty everywhere.
Ah, beautiful transition. The quality for January on the 2015 Fluent Self calendar is ANCHOR, and the quality for February is APPRECIATE.
Anchor appreciation. Appreciate the anchoring.
And the February superpower is I See Beauty Everywhere.
That’s the trick. That is the trick to joy. See it everywhere. And where it isn’t, change something. Even something very small.
Or back up and look around…
Ongoing wishes.
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
- I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive gifts that are winging their way to me. Superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers!
Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka exit as you wish to continue…
Okay so while that one was hard to write, it actually turned out to be a surprisingly helpful wish. The Playground, the center I’ve run for nearly five years, is close to being empty, and that process wasn’t nearly as traumatic as I thought it would be. My house is also steadily emptying out.
Big healing has been happening with my leg, which can now BEND ALL THE WAY, and while I still don’t like stairs, I can walk again, and this is big.
Also a big breakthrough with incoming me, and I have been practicing doing things with sabbatical mind, which is helping me Enter As I Wish To Be In It, Exit As I Wish To Continue.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
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Whenever I publish these mid-week, I have so many monsters, and they say things like, “Ugh you are the WORST, that took THREE WHOLE HOURS to write because you are SO SLOW, and it is already TUESDAY and people have been waiting since SUNDAY..”
Luckily, I also have Wise Me who knows that none of this is true or relevant, and she reminds me of truth:
1) I am doing everything right now with Sabbatical Mind, so the only correct way to do Very Personal Ads is to do them in a way that is supportive of Bellness, which is how I did them, so a thousand billion sparklepoints for that!
2) All Timing Is Right Timing, and that is one of the things I’m trying to teach, so if I published VPAs each week on the dot, then that would not be a lesson in All Is Right Timing, I need to actually model what I believe and give other people a chance to practice it too, so a thousand billion sparklepoints for that!
3) These were my right wishes, they didn’t come from forcing, they came from listening, and that is why they are good.
4) Do things with joy, do things with joy, and everything will change. You have tried doing-from-obligation for years and you can see where that’s gotten you. Time for a change.
Those were all good reminders, thank you wise me
Thank you for these reminders and your beautiful wishes.
Today I really only have one wish:
Permission to feel what I feel. I don’t need to find a way to cheer myself up, make myself motivated, or anything else. Just feel what I feel. Acknowledge, accept. Observation. Awareness.
It sounds simple, and yet it’s not. Every single moment I have to remind myself to allow myself to feel what I feel. Hungry? That’s OK. Full? Also OK. Oddly weak in my shoulders, and trembly in my jaws? That’s fine. Unmotivated? Afraid? Sad? Worried? I’m allowed to feel that. I don’t have to change it.
Goodbye to all the shoulds. Goodbye to all the expectations.
What beautiful wishes!
I love, and so need to get this: “The point is though, no more waiting for X in order to be-or-feel Y. That is just unbelievably silly.”
My depression has become an excuse for everything, and I avoid things I might actually enjoy because I can’t enjoy them while I’m depressed, right?
So backwards.
My wish is to allow myself to be in the state of positive expectation, unburdened by pressure of things turning out a certain way.
Just allow the possibility that there will be positive news in the email instead of feeling anxious every time I check it.
Allow for the possibility that my love will come home with a sincere wish to spend time with me, not just because he has to because I, um, live here.
Allow myself to stop expecting things to suck.
That is my wish.
I love this post. I *love* this post. See, I’m saying it twice!
I See Beauty Everywhere is also a marvelous superpower, and I plan to play with it a lot this month. This week, though, I am adding an additional flavor for my wish:
I wish to see riches everywhere. Richness everywhere. Treasure everywhere.
(This is a little bit uncomfortable, and, I suspect, more than a little bit important.)
Sending good wishes for everyone’s gwishes! <3
Last week I desperately wanted to believe in a way out of lion taming, (speaking of lions being uncaged) and to believe that all my current pain about it was the gentlest possible push in a much better direction. Then I remembered that the first step was legitimacy for my pain.
And now: so much less lion taming! Much happier lions. Much much much much happier me, though the transition is still transitioning, and there is some hard in it.
Today my wish is also about living in the now. I had an experience that then led me to reread a book, which had a passage I don’t remember in the least, but was absolutely what I needed to read. “When the mind resists life, thoughts arise…thought is an unconscious reaction to life.”
Less thought, more life! Less stuff, more now! I want to live more of this, because it is a delicious opposite to everything I ever thought I knew or was. More letting go.
And also? “Isn’t it hilarious how awful I am at this?” That’s what I’d like to think when I notice, again, that I am thinking as if thinking mattered.
Blowing kisses for your beautiful wishes.
You can’t rush a wish. And this was just the right timing because the lesson about backing up from the front of the cage is the exact right message. I swear sometimes I have my face jammed in between those bars so tightly. Back up, breathe, look left, look right. Oh.
Last week I wanted clews about the friend I was missing. The clue came in the form of asking someone about it who said “tell her.” And I did. And then we saw each other and the piece of my soul that had been floating around untethered landed and settled. A breath for not needing to rehash the past and being able to just sally forth.
Work money has been terrible lately. My face was squeezed against the bars [or rather, I had squeezed my face against the bars] and I couldn’t breathe. Then I realized I can change my final destination even as I drive ahead on the road I’m on. So, message received, hard times. Kindly depart.
Pennies into the fountains for everyone’s wishes.
Late January, when I was anticipating this month starting, I thought it would be super-fun and enjoyable and The Best Thing Ever because I planned a “project” of focusing on myself, exclusively, for the entire 4 weeks.
I’m only 3 days into it, and it’s been … hard. Really hard. I keep looking around for someone to talk to and tell me what I *should* be focusing on. Something that isn’t “ridiculously self-indulgent”. I’m going to keep showing up though. Everything worthwhile at changing patterns is really hard when I first try it.
P.S. I want to be a garden.
Havi, thank you for your note about “first world problems”. I hate that label – using it dismisses and disrespects very real pain.
“Taking care of myself first is always the right answer.” Even when taking care of myself is complicated because the things I need seem contradictory. This is right.
“I don’t want a someday life. I want a now life.” I’m putting that on a sticky note to think about for a while. Because, yes. Because I want to make choices based on that.
Wishes: Ten Tiny Changes and steps towards making them.
What beautiful wishes everyone!
–{–@
Big love for all the lovely wishes and gwishes! Thank you for the SuperPower of I See Beauty Everywhere, which I am adding to the ones I’m still needing from last week, and a new one for me that I’d like to share with anyone who needs it. Anxiety levels on overload today as I went for my(extremely complex and denigrating British Benefits system) medical ‘examination’, I invoked the SuperPower of Communicating my Meaning Without Having to Explain. <3<3<3
I love that superpower, Sarah!
I marked my February “Appreciate” calendar month as The Moon of Ice and Diamonds. I was thinking clarity, but that’s not quite right.
Have you noticed that a starry icicle hanging from your eave is not clear, the refractions from all the melting surfaces hide the clarity of the solid water? A well-faceted diamond does not really at first appear “clear” because the light is refracting from facets everywhere?
So I’m getting February as the Moon where clarity is hiding inside something beautiful, powerful, sovereign. And look, the Superpower is “I See Beauty Everywhere”!
My gwish is therefore that I will see, feel, absorb and appreciate all the ice and diamonds (real and metaphorical) that appear this month and that the beauty hiding inside will shine forth from them and me.
I love this! Feels like rally in here! <3
<3
It is Thursday here and I am going to wish Thursday wishes. Thursday is singing day again, and singing is fantastic.
I wish therefore for resonance, accuracy, joy, harmony, the thing where I end up an inch taller and with two gallons more room in my lungs, and the thing my ma says about if you’re going to make a mistake, make it a good one, and belonging in my body. And for all those wonderful singing things to be part of me even when I’m not singing.
And I particularly wish for Permission To Find Things Delightful.
May it be so!
Here is a breath for the beautiful anchors.
Gwishing for the snap-crackle-pop I’m seeking for a piece I’m delivering tomorrow.
How to invite it?
I could finish freewriting the draft and then noodle-doodle at it tomorrow morning.
I could apply different writing exercises to it, and remember that what I don’t use tomorrow can be elaborated into pieces for other markets. <– addressing the You're Wasting Your Time Monster Squadron
I could remember that whatever I say may be just the thing that someone in the audience has been waiting for someone to say, and that it doesn't have to be dazzling to matter.
Deep breaths, and warm wishes to all y'all.
Thank you thank you thank you for this.
Everything I read from you right now is always so on point and so what I need to hear.
Things are SO hard right now.
I am going to hold on to the superpower of I See Beauty Everywhere and in exchange I will release everything else. This is a good trade.