While attempting the other day to answer some 17,000 (okay, slight exaggeration) Ask Havi posts at once, I had to stop and hit the brakes.
It had become very apparent just how huge the lack of general knowledge and understanding about destuckifying is.
Here’s my sense at this point.
Most of the people I encounter are already familiar with at least one of the three major conventional methods out there.
At least in a casual way, even if they’re not conscious of the fact that what they’re dealing with is just that — a method.
Or that all three of these ways-of-destuckifying can be, oh, somewhat problematic.
So it kind of seemed like it might be time to a) pull back, b) add to the general knowledge base… and c) just try to give you a better sense of what these three methodologies/philosophies are.
And why they aren’t really always that good for you.
Warning:
This is a general post. A very general post. It is also … full of generalizations. Ridiculously absurd generalizations. Parody, even.
We can go deeper into the subtleties in grad school. Or at least next term in Destuckification 201.
But we’ve got to start somewhere, and this is it.
Traditional methodology #1: “Pushing through the stuck”
Also known as: Fighting it.
Common phrases: Don’t take no for an answer, be strong, you can do it, stiff upper lip, fake it ’til you make it, get out of bed already!
Associated with: Motivational speakers, personal development blogs, men, the 80s.
Aesthetic (old-school): Suits.
Aesthetic (today): Site designs that are black, red or black and red. The phrase “ass-kicking”. See also: bootcamp.
The pro: Sometimes it works. It gives you that push and you do the thing and you feel motivated and inspired. Rock on.
The con: Kinda violent. It totally doesn’t meet you where you are. It relies on an underlying layer of guilt, which is actually counterproductive in the long run. Also, self-mastery is exhausting and debilitating because it means you always have to be winning. And you can’t always win.
Traditional methodology #2: “Just sit with it”
Also known as: Just sit with it. (Repeat as necessary.)
Common phrases: Just sit with it. Let it be what it is. Accept it.
(Occasionally also — when said by someone who until recently was a disciple of methodology #1 — “Just deal with it.“)
Associated with: The self-help section, trying out eastern philosophies, Yoga Journal.
Aesthetic (old-school): Robes. Neti pots.
Aesthetic (today): Pastels. Illustrations of lotus flowers. Blogspot or Typepad blogs. Either austere seclusion in a hut or expensive retreats that sometimes take place on cruise ships.
The pro: Sometimes it’s exactly what you need. It helps you just when you need it. When you’re able to sit with the stuck, the stuck will dissolve. Which is magical and beautiful.
The con: It doesn’t acknowledge the hard. It doesn’t acknowledge just how hard the hard can be. When you can’t sit with it — and there will be times when you just aren’t able to — the advice “just sit with it” is just not very compassionate.
Traditional methodology #3: “Thank your problems and kiss them for being there”
Also known as: Practicing gratitude even when you don’t feel like it.
Common phrases: Your problem is your teacher. Your problem is your healer. Your problem is a gift. Your problem is a friend. Your problem is a blessing. Embrace the hard. Smother it with kisses. Be grateful for everything. Count your blessings.
Associated with: Affirmations, meditation circles, alternative community bookstores, beads, women.
Aesthetic (old-school): Power suits.
Aesthetic (today): Pink. Green. More illustrations of lotus flowers.
The pro: It’s true. When you are meeting yourself with patience and compassion, problems are gifts and blessings. And when you are ready for that — and it’s a pretty freaking advanced practice — amazing stuff can happen.
The con: Most of us aren’t there yet. Because we need to take time to meet ourselves and our pain first. Calling something excruciatingly painful a blessing can diminish or negate the real life experience of the person whose pain it is.
It is just not compassionate to tell someone that their agony is a teacher. It’s not compassionate to tell yourself that either. Or to expect yourself to be able to practice this if you’re not there yet. Because forced compassion is not very compassionate.
So how am I supposed to work with my stuck if these methods aren’t going to (necessarily) do it for me?
There’s an element that all three of these traditional methodologies (and yes, I stereotyped like crazy because I’m a horrible person) are missing.
What they’re missing is kindness to yourself.
Destuckification is about the willingness to meet yourself where you are.
Even if where you are in that moment is not being able to get out of bed and do the thing already.
Even if where you are in that moment is not being able to sit with it.
Even if where you are in that moment is not being able to thank your pain for being there to teach you.
And if you can’t meet yourself where you are yet?
You recognize (or remind yourself) that this is okay too. That you’re practicing. That you are allowed to hate it. That you can take your time getting to the point where you’ll be able to implement some concept that you’ve learned.
Bottom line.
You don’t have to listen to me.
If any of the methodologies I’ve talked about are what’s working for you right now, then I’m totally not going to tell you to stop doing it. Heaven forbid. Tfu tfu tfu.
I’m just pointing out that as a long-term strategy, it may cause some problems later on.
But if you are interested going deeper into the practice of destuckifying, we’re going to be talking here about what that means.
About having a conscious, active, intentional relationship with yourself. About what happens when you’re allowed to drop all the shoulds.
Including the ones that say you should be able to push through it. And the ones that say you should be able to sit with it. And the ones that say you should be more grateful.
So that you can give yourself permission to not have to be there yet.
So that you can find out what you need right now. And find ways to give it to yourself. Or at least get better at being eventually ready to receive it.
FIN
EDIT: HERE’S THE CAVEAT
I’m moving this bit (that I published seconds after the post went live) over from the comments since some people missed it.
Gah! Caveat!
Ha. I was just having a discussion about this with my gentleman friend and realized there’s an important bit I left out in this already long post.
It’s important to remember that any of these methodologies can be used with great effect by people who are no longer beginners at all this destuckifying stuff.
For example, my teacher is the most disciplined person I know (methodology #1). But that’s because he has so internalized all this “learning to practice kindness” stuff that he processes it automatically and goes straight to doing the thing without any guilt or pushing.
Or my wonderful friend Janet Bailey from Mindful Time Management. Janet has years and years of meditation experience, so when she says she’s going to “just sit with” something she’s feeling (methodology #2), that’s not forced.
It’s very comfortable and loving for her. And that’s awesome. It’s the advanced practice. Without the shoulds.
Or my wonderful friend Hiro Boga (the Flourishing Muse). She is completely capable of viewing hardships as blessings (methodology #3). I’ve seen her do it. Because she’s already there.
She’s already doing the deep internal clearing and processing that allows her to get to the place where she can truly see the good in something.
So in all of these cases, you might use these methodologies as an advanced practice with good effect. It’s just that I would not recommend any of these things for beginners.
And definitely not to the people writing me with things like “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! stuck-stuck-stuck-stuck-stuck!”. Not for them. But as methodologies? They can totally be used for good.
Hope that helps. 🙂
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Ha. I was just having a discussion about this with my gentleman friend and realized that there is an important bit I left out in this already long post.
It’s important to remember that any of these methodologies can be used with great effect by people who are no longer beginners at all this destuckifying stuff.
For example, my teacher is the most disciplined person I know (methodology #1). But that’s because he has so internalized all this “learning to practice kindness” stuff that he processes it automatically and goes straight to doing the thing without any guilt or pushing.
Or my wonderful friend Janet Bailey from Mindful Time Management. Janet has years and years of meditation experience, so when she says she’s going to “just sit with” something she’s feeling (methodology #2), that’s not forced.
It’s very comfortable and loving for her. And that’s awesome. It’s the advanced practice. Without the shoulds.
Or my wonderful friend Hiro Boga (the Flourishing Muse). She is completely capable of viewing hardships as blessings (methodology #3). I’ve seen her do it. Because she’s already there.
She’s already doing the deep internal clearing and processing that allows her to get to the place where she can truly see the good in something.
So in all of these cases, you might use these methodologies as an advanced practice with good effect. It’s just that I would not recommend any of these things for beginners.
And definitely not to the people writing me with things like “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! stuck-stuck-stuck-stuck-stuck!”. Not for them. But as methodologies? They can totally be used for good.
Hope that helps. 🙂
Hi there my darling girl,
Thank you again for the reminder that what REALLY works in the long run is Kindness, kindness and more kindness. And patience. And presence. We can never get too much of ANY of that. Kindness is kind of like a universal solvent for the soul…. just dissolving those stuck places in a way that can often feel downright miraculous. And doesn’t leave bruises!!!
I really needed this today and can feel myself breathing MUCH easier already. And don’t worry…. I seriously doubt that ANY of us can get too much of destuckifying 101!!!
Hugs and love,
Chris
chris zydels last blog post..Creative Miracle Grow: The Crazy Wonderfulness That Can Happen When Someone Believes In YOU!
As always Havi, you are awesome =D
Annie Blues last blog post..New URL, New Server
I laughed, I bristled, I cried. Actually, I didn’t cry, but I nodded my head in agreement a lot.
If there’s anything I hope to learn in life, it’s to be compassionate with myself. No matter *where* I am.
It’s really refreshing any time I see someone who understands the importance of a good attitude in life. So many people feel “stuck” because they think they are just victims of a lousy hand dealt to them, but more people need to realize that we can all deal with our problems if we do it the right way. This article really hammers that home. Well done! 🙂
Tom
Tom “The Practical Nerd”s last blog post..Joongel: The internet has never been this easy to use!
Good points, but can it be said without dissing so-called self-help?
I could make a parallel & say bloggers try too hard by stretching analogies, using edgy language & outlandish snark so they can stand out & be hip.
But I know that isn’t true. It’s just the landscape right now & some go with it. That doesn’t mean what you wrote here has no value. And you made a lot of disclaimers. 🙂
Your suggestion is actually the fourth one, and an essential element that runs through the other three.
The point about self-help or inner resources is that it has to be cultivated to work. If you cultivate it, all four will work.
Kindness to self is equally unrealistic if you’re not cultivating & owning soft skills.
Havi- This kind of stuff is one of the many reasons I think you’re really cool. Although I’m working hard at tossing out the “shoulds” and showing myself compassion, there are days when I beat myself up for not dealing with things the “right” way. The way “they” say it should be done. Thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to listen to them if what they have to say doesn’t work for me. 🙂
Excellent article. Funny, wry, useful. Dissolving ‘stuck’ is hard–like getting hard water stains off the water faucet. Lemon juice (Kicking ass) works well, but leaves scars.
Elbow grease (way #3) works, because you are grateful for water,but can be exhausting, because you have to do it often and you KNOW it will always come back.
Shutting the door and not looking at it (way #2) is great, but it doesn’t get rid of it.
I’ve found a kind of interesting way to get unstuck that I’m trying myself before trying it on my clients: letting it go. Not focusing on it. I got this idea from the faucet-cleaning thing. I was scrubbing the faucet down to the nub, while the kitty litter was needing scooping, the rug needed vacuuming, and I needed to call clients.
I was scrubbing the faucet because I COULD, because I was so focused on it, it was way more important to me than anything. (Only slight exaggeration here)
So I let go of the hard-water scale obsession. I just recognized it as part of my life, decided to move focus, told myself I was OK with it. After a while, I WAS OK with it. Made room to look at other stuff. Letting go is not a bad thing.
QuinnCreatives last blog post..Creative Play : #Theme Thursday
Sweet Havi, You are the Pirate Queen of Kindness (which sounds like an oxymoron but isn’t). 🙂
Our hearts, and our stucknesses, respond to patience, kindness, love. That’s what you teach in Destuckifying 101, and in everything else that you do. It’s also what you teach by the way you live–it’s the quality of your being, which is the most powerful teaching there is.
Thank you, dear one, for this beautiful post.
Much love, Hiro
This is a great way to categorize these methods. And by great I mean witty, clear and highly useful.
I think they all come in handy at some point and it’s really understanding when to pull out which tool to help which problem.
Being okay with things whether that is pushing through, sitting with it, gratitude for it, or none of the above is probably one of the harder things to master. It’s good to see someone working it out clearly for everyone.
What a beautiful post! I did laugh and I did cry…well, at least teared up. You are, as always, wonderful and amazing. Thank you, Havi.
I’m only at traditional method #1 and already I’m giggling too much to be able to read this at work. Even while I’m on break! The rest of the awesomeness will have to wait until tonight, but thank you *already* Havi.
Wonderful awesome and perfect even in your stumbling, generalizationizing, caveat making, and backtracking. 🙂
This is hard work this destuckification, and we can be so hard on ourselves in the middle of it.
As I read your pointers, I realized I use all three… wait… all four… in certain points. Sometimes you just need to stop wallowing and push through. Sometimes you need to just BE in the sadness. Sometimes you need to take a look and see what the lessons are (this is my main one right now but I am STILL not always up to it). And we always, always need to be gentle with ourselves if we want these to be lasting changes.
Something else I might add that has helped me greatly is to understand the process, to understand the cycles… to “ride the wave.” Accepting that downturns might have their benefits and not beating yourself up about them and trusting that an upswell will be coming.
If I didn’t believe that, it would be hard to do any of those things.
rowenas last blog post..Flying Girl and the Umbrella, or Learning the Dance of the Balance
And the problem with the three methods mentioned is that when you can’t get them to work, then you add that on top of the other thing you are trying to but not able to do, thus exacerbating the cycle…
H♥vi,
And some Stucks require a monster tow-truck.
I’m in one of those now. All the typical tried-n-kinda-true methodologies, modalities, mystical-manuals, cybernetic-transpersonal-treatments, possibility-programs, guru-guerilla-godzilla-tactics, blissed-out-beatific-blessings on a lily-pad, quantum-leaping, EFT-tapping, NLP-anchoring zenliciousness just doesn’t move you. ‘Cause your Stuck is so still and heavy… so *inconsolable*… that you require an earth-mover just to budge your butt a micro-meter.
And then you realize you really didn’t even want to move in *that* direction. So you squiggle back to the original Stuck. The Stuck you know, because it feels like a good place to get some rest.
Whatever your Pirate-Queeny plans are, H♥vi, count me in on your oceanic voyage, because there aren’t many places that don’t give me motion-sickness these days (as my stubborn Stuck has an aversion to movement right now).
I am wholly grateful for the safe playground that is FluentSelf.
Ahoy!
Erika
Erika Harriss last blog post..The Banjo and the African Drum
Your destuckification advise sounds a lot like some advice I heard on how to be a good friend:
“Be honest. Be loyal. Be respectful. The rest will fall into place.”
Before I was able to start working on myself I had to work on not feeling obligated to rescue other people who were going through hard times. It’s agonizing watching someone make self destructive choices or hate themselves for no good reason, but trying to force someone to do otherwise when they’re not ready is going to do more harm than good. This was such a hard lesson to learn and after I learned it, it wasn’t until I found your blog that it occurred to me that what doesn’t work on other people isn’t necessarily going to work on me. Trying to violently fix someone without having compassion for how hard it is to be them is never going to accomplish any results that last. That applies to one’s self also, perhaps doubly so.
If you’re annoying some of the self help community it’s more about them than it is about you.
You make such a positive impact on so many people’s lives (mine included). (If you can) try not to doubt that you’re on the right track.
Keely H.s last blog post..Creative Juices
basically: kindness trumps everything. perfect. thank you.
Heidi Fischbachs last blog post..This is the German coastguard: What are you sinking about?
I like those magic words, “Even though…”
Oooh “forced compassion is not very compassionate.”
Yeah, that.
Thank you, Havi 🙂
Eileens last blog post..Escape from Cubicle Nation
I love it when a post makes me reflect. I mean REALLY reflect. Where do I stand in this, what do I birth into the world through my work, which is probably stereo typed as self-help, maybe, sort of, kind of…
However, a very ballsy post that requires some more reflecting and digesting and contemplating. Even more so because kindness, patience and love to myself has come to me through the experience of agony. Elements of all three methodologies has helped me to get to out of the agony and to this point of loving kindness and so…,
does each of us have, at a given moment in time, a certain methodology that leads the way, that resonates most strongly and allows us to put one foot in front of the other, and then we transform because of it and so does the methodology that leads?
Another thing is that there are very few teachers / people out there that truly live their lives from this place of loving kindness to and acceptance of self and others (please excuse the Buddhist in me that keeps calling it loving kindness).
So the world needs this modeled, there is a piece missing that only a few embody (in the west). That’s what I see, so I hear what you’re saying, I can feel it, and it deserves for me to contemplate it some more!
Thanks ;o)
Maarten Elouts last blog post..Leading with no personal agenda
Havi,
I’ve been reading for a long time, about destuckification and “even though….” Today, I finally got it! I don’t have to push through, I don’t have to sit alongside it, I don’t have to be happy about it.
Thank you! I think I’ll be much better now. Until tomorrow, when I forget and have to learn it over again. I tend to have a very short short-term memory.
~Kimberlee
Kimberlee Ferrells last blog post..Writing Lessons From a Waitress: Introduction
I think the first method is like there’s a wall between you and where you want to be, and you charge towards it. Something is going to hurt. It’s either the wall, or your head. =)
Havi, this is so incredibly useful! I have your site bookmarked but this post deserves a bookmark all its own. Thank you! ♥
Thank you! This makes a lot of sense. It’s the kindness bit that I usually trip over.
I just ordered and read the Destuckification kit, but I’m wondering whether I should have ordered the procrastination one instead. Procrastination is the major manifestation of STUCK for me, but I’m not trying to bigify anything just now, so I went with the destuckification. Was that the right choice? (It’s great stuff anyway, but is it the best way to attack non-bigifying procrastination?)
I can see the destuckification techniques working when I KNOW I’m stuck–when I’m in the “too overwhelmed with anxiety” phase of procrastination, but how can it help with the “head stuck in the sand” distraction phase? I spend way too much time there and once I’m there, how do I get out of the “distract myself from the pain” cycle when I’m successfully distracting myself and am not anxious enough to even try to destuckify? Does this make any sense at all?
Thanks,
Still Stuck Andere Jessica
I think you were fine without the caveat. Your bottom line pretty much nailed it: “About having a conscious, active, intentional relationship with yourself.”
“Know thyself”
I love how you’ve explained these different methodologies.
Makes it really clear how important self-compassion is in the whole process of destuckification.
Thanks Havi!
I, for one, appreciated the Gah! Caveat! This because #1, ever since I started learning from Naomi at Ittybiz I hear myself saying “ass-kicking” a lot more often than before. Which was zero.
#2 and #3 I’ve just hired the magnificant Richard at Calyx design to create a logo for me — there’s a lotus involved and sky blue color.
But I HAVE been working at this a long time. Having an accident, having a brain injury while teaching at a multi-spiritual preschool school was like going from Spirituality 101 to a quadruple PHD. I’ve needed to push when I wanted to quit. Had no choice but to sit with what was unmoving. Feel every day the great blessing that came in such ferocious disguise.
What I see with all these methodologies is you are where you are. And it changes all the time. And you can’t tell someone else to get *there* because most of the time that comment comes from ego. Which is very very different from compassion.
Brilliant and funny — thanks for spelling it out so clearly.
Without kindness, the results of any method are going to be funky and hard to sustain.
I just noticed the book “Made to Stick” in your sidebar — so I guess stickiness and stuckness are two very different things! 🙂
Havi, thanks a lot. This post is funny and useful, structuring and thought-provoking at the same time!
@Andere Jessica: I think it makes very much sense, same or similar questions / problems here
Dear Ms. Havi:
Since you have over 17,000 “Dear Havi” questions backed up in your inbox (well, you no longer HAVE an inbox, so I suppose it’s some kind of a shoebox or other organically-correct-Portland-ish-type-of-container) I’d like to offer my services.
For a small fee (ORDER BEFORE 10:26 TONIGHT!) I’d be happy to answer some of the questions for you. To prove my abilities and demonstrate my Havinesque Voice, I provide the following samples:
Dear Havi:
I’m a shy, nervous person who’s having trouble getting started in my business selling small cardboard cutouts of historically significant women. Can you give me suggestions on how to begin?” Signed, “Martha W”
Dear Martha W:
For God’s sake — stop being such a namby-pamby and let go of the suckitude, woman! Drag your embarrassing little cardboard dolls out to the street and grab the first good-looking guy you see — then kiss him right on the lips and tell him there’s more where that came from, if he buys the whole set!
If you’re gonna make it in the big time you’ve gotta dance with Shiva!
Dear Havi:
Sometimes, I just don’t feel emotionally centered enough to face the fact that I’m alone in the universe, and that my aura is not aligned with the oneness of my being. I’ve tried acupuncture, rolfing, colon cleansing and running with the ducks but none of these has really helped me get in touch with my inner sisters. What can I do to find my way on the cosmic path to enlightenment and feminine power? Signed, “Amy W”
Dear Amy:
Arrrrrgh! I’m a Pirate Queen, and I can’t stomach any more of this New-Age bullshit! Once my Gentleman Friend makes an honest woman of me (Oregon is a community property state, you know) I’m outa here! I’ll be living the life of Riley in a Palm Beach high rise and won’t have to deal with any of this.
Oh — your problem? Find a sailor, get a tattoo, and learn knife throwing.
Dear Havi:
My life is wonderful — I’ve got a thriving business, a wonderful husband, and the cutest child in the world. I live in an exotic foreign land, get paid thousands of dollars for talking on the phone a couple of hours on the day, and rarely wear pants. My boobs are huge, I have lots of stalkers online, and everyone wants to have me come to their shows to just drink and curse.
But deep down inside me, where nobody else can see, late at night — and I never tell anyone this — I’m really happy. What the fu*k’s wrong with me, anyway? Shouldn’t I be a big bundle of insecurities?
Signed, “Naomi D”
Dear Naomi D
Don’t be such a lying liarpants! You’re not happy — you can’t possibly be. You have to be as worried and insecure as I am. You have to have bad days, and times that you think that you’re not worthy, and nights that you can’t sleep just because it’s all just too scary to contemplate.
Only Mr. Carlson is that confident. And it’s ‘cuz he’s really old and his mind is going…
Dick Carlsons last blog post..Why Yes — I AM The Big Cheese!
This is where Havi and I get into a bidding war over whether Dick can answer Ask Havi or Ask IttyBiz.
Wait a minute. That’s pretty much what we have with Jess. DAMMIT.
Naomi Dunfords last blog post..How To Become Rich and Famous On The Internet In 5 Easy Steps
Really interesting breakdown here. I’m in the habit of thinking of #1 as mean and #2 and 3 as loving. Reading your description of each one’s pros and cons made me go “huh”.
I’ve just started using your destuckification techniques and they are stunning. wonderful. But hard work too. It’s like I’ve taken on a new full-time job as the border cop for my emotions.
“Slow down and come to a full stop, please. ID, please? Ah, anger. Back again. Still doing the same job as last time? Alright, you’re allowed to be here. Come on through.”
“ID, please? Helpless confusion. OK. You’ve got a passenger, haven’t you? ID… Grief. Hmm. D.O.B. please? Are you carrying any toxins or weapons of mass destruction? Alright, you’re allowed to be here. Come on through.”
So maybe it doesn’t have to be this disciplined and authoritarian. But now I think border patrol might work as a retraining/reemployment program for the part of me that used to be in charge of method #1.
Border patrol for the emotions! That’s such an awesome metaphor. I’m definitely going to try that.
“Alright, you’re allowed to be here. Come on through.”
Havi, I think they should teach you in schools… 🙂
Wormys last blog post..Between Resentment and Trust
Havi
What a wonderful post. Being kind to myself has been an anathema to me for so many years I was amazed when someone told me that it was actually *possible*.
I had to do something really hard recently and throughout I tried to be kind to myself. It wasn’t always successful, but it really, really helped make a difficult and stressful situation less so.
Thankyou.
John