So. I have stuff to say.
We’ve talked a lot here about the basics of destuckification work.
And about some of the situations that come up where our stuff gets in the way of destuckifying.
Like when people throw shoes at us, something which definitely happens.
(Or when we perceive that shoes have been thrown, which also happens.)
Situations come up, something gets triggered, and then we start disconnecting from the very things that normally help us come back to ourselves.
Here’s what I know.
1. When something happens to set off our stuff — we jump to conclusions.
2. We make it all about us. (“Uh oh, I screwed up again.”)
3. Or we make it all about them. (“Man, people are mean/stupid/hurtful.”)
4. There is definitely a progression … and it looks like this:
it’s all about me → it’s all about them → this actually has nothing to do with me → It doesn’t even affect me.*
* See #10!
5. But the progression is not necessarily linear. It’s not like you finish up with one and move onto the next one for good.
6. Most of us end up hanging out in each of these places some of the time…
7. …and there are a lot of different factors that can contribute to where you happen to be in the progression at any given moment.
8. It’s not at all a negative thing that you are where you are in that moment. It’s just where you are. It doesn’t say anything bad about you.
9. God knows I’m not perfect. And I certainly haven’t mastered this stuff yet. It’s a process.
And a bonus point (an important one).
10. I just want to be clear:
Arriving at the point where someone’s hurtful behavior doesn’t hurt you doesn’t mean that you just let people throw shoes.
You’re totally allowed to stand up for yourself and explain to people why shoe-throwing is not cool. In fact, because you know it doesn’t have anything to do with you, you feel safe and comfortable saying, “Hey, we don’t throw shoes here.”
It’s just that at the same time, you remember that this is about their stuff, that people are allowed to think what they think, and that you don’t have to interact with the ones who are into tossing shoes around.
Let’s have some examples, shall we?
Two examples from my own life from this past week.
One follows a particular kind of situation that’s come up a lot during my life. You can see how — over time — I was able to change my reactions to it because of the work I’ve been doing on my stuff.
The second one demonstrates just how many factors are involved in the ways you might possibly react to a shoe — or a perceived shoe. Even when you’ve done a ton of work on your stuff, some of these can push things way out of balance.
Situation example 1: the non-rejection rejection.
The thing that actually happened:
I was teaching a workshop. A guy got up in the middle and walked out.
What would have gone through my head four years ago:
“Ohmygod. I’m messing up. Not-good-not-good-not-good-not-good.
“I should have explained that last concept better. Is he bored? Is he miserable? Is this the worst thing he’s ever experienced? They all hate it. This is a disaster.”
What would have gone through my head three years ago:
“This is a shoe! A shoe! How dare he? What an ass.
“Clearly he doesn’t get how fantastic this material is. Doesn’t he even know who I am?!?!”
What would have gone through my head two years ago:
“Huh. I notice there’s a part of me that wants to make this about me, but you know what?
“I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that he probably has a perfectly legitimate reason for doing what he’s doing and it most likely doesn’t have anything to do with me.
“I’m definitely allowed to feel uncomfortable about this, and I will see what I can do to get what I need here, because I’m definitely noticing that I’m needing reassurance and comfort.
“I’m going to try and trust that he has gotten what he needs from this experience and that I will end up getting what I need.”
What was in my head this time:
“Alright. I’m sure there’s a good reason for this … and that it has nothing to do with me.”
(And yes, as it turned out, I was completely right.)
Situation example 2: someone telling you how they think you should react to something.
The thing that actually happened:
Someone sent a note saying that I should stop complaining about stuff because my life is at least interesting and could I please shut up already.
What actually went through my head the other day the day I hadn’t slept, was jetlagged, sick, and had been running around all day with my bags trying to find a place to stay where there weren’t jackhammers outside the bedroom:
“Nice.
“I bet if this person had also experienced abuse, poverty, being assaulted, having nowhere to live, friends killed, vodka bottles thrown at them, witnessing terrorist attacks and any of the other things that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy … they would LOVE it if someone else told them they didn’t have the right to express their pain.
“Because ‘you have an interesting life’.
“What?!
“And even if that person was all, ‘Yay me, I have an interesting life’? So what? I’m not that person. Why should I have to be the person who can do that?
“And if this excessively critical person doesn’t like it, why can’t they go read someone else’s blog? In fact, please. Please go away and stop throwing shoes in my space.”
There may also have been some creative cursing in Arabic. Old habits die slowly.
Out of balance? Juuuust a little bit.
What would have gone through my head had I been mostly healthy and rested:
“Wow.
“This person must be feeling really frustrated when they perceive other people not expressing gratitude for what they do have.
“I can understand that frustration. And, at the same time, I also find it kind of weird that someone would actively try to change the way someone else chooses to express herself on a personal blog.
“But maybe that’s not what’s happening here. Either way, their stuff.
“The only part that’s my stuff is my reaction, and if I’m feeling a little hurt or frustrated here, I can work on my own part of this.”
What would have gone through my head had I been in top physical and emotional condition:
Well … nothing, really.
…………………………………………flatline…………………………………………
Right. It wouldn’t have even registered.
But that’s not what happened. Because guess what? Things happen. And they bring us out of balance.
There’s just no way we can always be in top form. And anyway, it’s a process.
The thing that helps. Well, one of them.
About six months ago or so, I asked Hiro what the spiritual concept or quality is that encapsulates … well, the thing I’m always working on.
You know, learning how to be the person who doesn’t give a damn what other people think.
And she said it was called sovereignty.
Sovereignty.
Sovereignty, as best I understand it (and I am not the expert on this even slightly) is the quality of owning your space so completely and fully that you can’t be shaken from being you.
You get to be the (pirate-ey or not) queen — or king — of your own fabulous kingdom. Or queendom. Or whatever.
In other words:
Your body. Your energy. Your physical space. Your emotional space. Your work. Your practice. Whatever else belongs to you. It’s all yours.
You own it. You feel comfortable in it. You inhabit what is yours and you belong there fully and completely.
It’s feeling so safe being yourself that other people’s stuff is obviously just that.
It means having the patience to interact with your own stuff with love, knowing that it’s constantly changing anyway.
And your experience of sovereignty doesn’t step on anyone else’s. It’s something that everyone gets to experience for himself or herself.
Comment zen for today.
This is a big, hard topic. It definitely deserves some follow-up posts to go deeper with some of this.
The usual caveats apply: I’m not perfect, I screw up all the time, I am where I am and … sometimes this place that I am is somewhat more impressive than at other times.
Here’s what is welcome:
- Thoughts/reactions about this process of working on stuff and learning things about how that process works.
What I would rather not have:
My commitment.
I commit to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and to interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible.
Follow
I’ve been stuck a lot in the last year. I actually had three different people say things to me that were so hurtful that I was weeping for days later.
Then yesterday I was asked for advice. And I suggested that the person who came to me use my personal destuckifying technique (which is not a new invention, it’s just what has worked recently for me) which is to call the other person’s bluff. In each conflict this year, the person on the other side was insistent that I was being the unreasonable one. After some time and space from my reaction, so that pain wasn’t clouding my mind, I decided that while there was no need for me to take any blame, there was little to risk in seeing what would happen if I approached the person as if they were a totally reasonable human being. They didn’t ‘deserve’ that trust, but what did it matter? They’d already hurt me. But sometimes people rise to the occasion.
In all three of these examples the tactic worked. I’m not close intimate friends with these people anymore, but we are comfortable around eachother. Because fighting can continue to snowball while you keep defending your position, and telling people not to throw shoes.
Although, I’ll admit that this requires one more thing, being ready to duck a flying shoe if it doesn’t work.
.-= Lisa´s last blog .. =-.
Total Serendipity! I have just had a HUGE freaking shoe thrown at me. A clown shoe at least. At work.
The contractor has been an ass and has written to the client whilst being an ass and we’re the client representative. I.E. It’s our job to mitigate these things and to solve them without involving the client – that’s why he hired us. Hard to do when the contractor doesn’t respect that (or the contract) at all!
And I just nearly *exploded* at my desk because Man! There are knock on effects here and there will be feathers to be soothed and all sorts. So I’m fire fighting like mad and preparing to go and say HEY! No Shoes here dude! Play by the rules! RAH.
Then I read this and felt all calm when I realised that this wasn’t all about me. I’ll deal with it brilliantly, cos that’s what I do and I’ll explain it and we’ll talk about it and I don’t need to burn down anyone’s city in response to having a shoe thrown at me.
Perfectomundo. Thanks 🙂 As ever, you’re brilliant.
.-= Wormy´s last blog ..Rejection Stuck/ Suck =-.
Glaring balefully at shoe-thrower.
Hope you feel better soon in all ways.
.-= Sandra´s last blog ..Ping pong pearls =-.
Sovereignty. Thank you for this. I definitely needed this right now. I am going through a situation that has a huge amount of guilt and pain attached and I reached out to a friend I hadn’t spoken to in a very very long time. Well her only reply was basically to ask about that painful situation. As I’m thinking “what do I say, how do I explain?” I realized I can just say “I don’t want to talk about it” I don’t owe this person an explanation.
I love the concept of owning my life. Owning me. Thank you.
Havi, you have this keen talent for writing about just exactly what I need to hear. 🙂
I love how you are continuously reminding us how to separate our stuff from another persons stuff … and how to interact with our stuff in a kind and patient way.
And giving permission to not be perfect at it just because it’s a simple concept in theory. Because, yeah. This stuff can be hard! (And so easy to forget in the moment.) The reminders and examples are so, so helpful.
And this sovereignty concept. Wow. Beautiful and inspiring.
Portland misses you!
Hugs,
Danielle
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..There is no place for guilt in wellness. =-.
Wow… having shoes thrown really sucks.
I’m the kind that is still (mostly) stuck in the “I must have done something wrong” stage when things like that happen… and while INTELLECTUALLY I understand that its not all about me, the pattern of abuse I went through tends to make me jump to blame myself before someone else does it to me… and so reading about your struggles really HELPS, because it makes me feel “hey, here is this whole person out there *somewhere* that has gone through some similar things, some way WORSE things, and she’s gotten “untangled” and she’s working on it! Look, you can be good enough and still be working on things! It’s okay to not have all the answers”…
I find value in hearing about not only the stuck of other people (so I can say to myself “see self, other people DO get stuck, you’re not a failure”) as well as the triumphs that other people make over their stuck. Reading what you have here has made me realize that in some aspects I am a sensitive person, but more than that–IT’S OKAY for me to be sensitive, its just who I am.
.-= Pam´s last blog ..More List-tastic Goodness (Moon’sLark… =-.
I just really like the word “sovereignty”.
That is all.
I like your post today very much. I also like the word Sovereignty.
Personally, I have managed to learn not to mind / notice shoes thrown at me by complete strangers or people that I meet casually, let’s say, on the job.
But whenever I am involed emotionally or I choose to invest trust in somebody for some reason that they are clever enough and compassionate enough not to throw shoes at me because they know this will hurt me, then it happens just exactly that. I get hurt.
I guess this is a kind of a pattern, too. After all, we never signed an agreement with these people that they would consciously take care all the time not to hurt me. As you say it is their stuff. Very often people are not in the right place to mind other people’s stuff.
.-= helen´s last blog ..Hooray for Metro =-.
sovereignty – that’s perfect. THANK YOU. I finally have a word for what I am seeking.
Question:
What do you do if you – through accident or a hard day or because you’re used to have that shoe thrown at yourself by others – throw a shoe at yourself?
Does (or did) that happen to you?
I like it too. I wonder if Stu likes it. I guess we’ll find out tomorrow!
Havi, thank you for this wonderful post on Sovereignty. I’m so sorry you’ve had shoes thrown at you this week, especially when you’re in that vulnerable space of being far from home, jet-lagged and tired. Big hugs to you, my dear, and wishes for a more peaceful week.
As always, the transparency with which you share your process makes your post a living example of Sovereignty.
The thing about Sovereignty is: It’s ours by virtue of our being. We don’t have to earn it–it’s a gift of grace. But because so many of us have grown up not knowing that our lives belong to us–that our bodies and thoughts and feelings and creativity belong to us–we look to others for permission to be who we are; or for validation; or for power, or something else that can only come from within.
When we don’t receive it, we doubt or blame ourselves, or we give our own pain away and blame or throw shoes at others.
We become disconnected from the inner dignity, self-responsibility and sense of belonging that sovereignty brings.
This post is the beginning of a hugely important conversation. I’ll look forward to your continued exploration of the quality of Sovereignty, and to walking this road with you.
So much love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last blog ..No Self Left Behind . . . =-.
Whoa, this is kinda spooky. I just had a teeny, tiny shoe flinging incident and was reading and re-reading all of the old shoe posts and noozeletters and wow ~ now I get to noodle over the idea of sovereignty ~ thanks Havi (& Hiro).
.-= Briana´s last blog ..Dealing with stuff; what helped and what didn’t =-.
I know you already know this, but not only have your internal responses changed in 4 years, you’ve changed so many other people’s, mine included. I recently went through a particularly nasty bout of having shoes hurled at me, and where I would usually be riding the righteous indignation wave of Step 3 for weeks if not months afterward, and I’m already over it, was in fact way more over it the same day when the worst of it all went down than I would have been before I started reading your magic blog. Which I just happened to start around the same time as those shoes, so perfect.
Thank you for yet another dose of wonderful vocabulary, too. I’m going to keep coming back to the idea of sovereignty as a glittering possibility for the future.
I don’t get a lot of shoes thrown at me. I think that’s just the nature of my life. I don’t throw a lot of shoes either.
But I still go down those ratholes of “I’m just so wrong. What is wrong with me?” and “Why aren’t people seeing how GREAT I am?”
It’s hard to admit.
It’s good to remember, though, that when we take a moment to experience the grace that is us, then everything else comes into perspective. When we are deeply centered in our sovereignty, then we can see the sovereignty of others, shoe-throwers or no.
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..What I got- My Learning the Sea Artifact =-.
Thanks, Havi. I have a big question for you, I hope it fits here and perhaps you could answer it.
First, the great part:
I’m noticing that the little vignettes and images from the workshop are helping me be awake and alert to my habits, which is big. I’m working on the “again” phenomenon, and recognizing my deeply trodden paths, and just taking a step off here and there by noticing.
Since I have had a lot of the “hard” in the last year, (wow. almost a year) I have had a lot of hard emotions coming up. I’m trying very hard to be gentle with myself, and kind of talk to myself in an understanding, encouraging manner.
But sometimes, there is a part of me that really enjoys wallowing, sometimes when there is no reason! Then, this part (whom I think of as ‘sad sack’ – I know, not a very kind name)likes to spiral up into self-imposed hysteria, using terms like “never” and “always”… If sad sack was writing my life story it would be drama, over the top tragedy, and beyond ridiculous feeling sorry for myself for the sake of sobbing and gasping.
I’m starting to recognize this trait– the one that takes a perfectly joyful moment, and focuses on the fact that it is going to end.. or on Tuesday, on the way home from hanging out with great friends having a good time, decided to focus on the fact that someday, I’ll have to go to my friends funeral!!! Ahh!
How can I redirect kindly?
Thank you!!!!!
Ingrid
I just have to say the same thing as everyone else. AMEN, SISTER!
I experienced a shoe today and it was a cowardly shoe I wasn’t supposed to even know about it… except really, it had nothing to do with me! His stuff!
I was trying to pretend it didn’t make me cranky. And then I read this post… Sovereignty. I so needed to read that. Thank you.
.-= Sandy´s last blog ..Please Consider This… =-.
This was helpful to hear today. Havi, I believe you once mentioned being a Highly Sensitive Person. The more I notice that I am one, the more sensitive I feel! So when all these external things happen — that, as you duly note, usually have nothing to do with you — it can be difficult not to take things personally. I FEEL things so intensely. I feel in tune.
My question is this: How do you stay attuned, yet blissfully — as the Buddhists would say — detached?
Thank you for sharing your triggers and your responses to them. It’s so useful to see healthy behavior modeled!
Sovereignty is awesome!
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Feeling Defensive =-.
Thanks for this post, Havi. It was useful. As is the concept of sovereignity. I am getting better at dealing with shoes thrown by most individuals, but having recently had a size 50 steel-toed boot thrown at me by one of those persons who you thought would stand between you and any shoe throwers, I am still finding that very hard to deal with. Intellectually, I know it’s their stuff. Emotionally, that’s not as easy to remember. But then again, if this had happened before I started practicing reiki, I would still be in the depths of misery about it – so I know there is hope.
.-= elizabeth´s last blog ..the sun also rises =-.
Maybe it’s just my weirdo love of fairy tales, but I absolutely dig this whole idea of sovereignty. It’s about time I got to be king of something… : )
Sovereignty…that’s the word for the place I want to get to. Thank you for that word.
Another baleful glance to the shoe thrower.
Havi, I hope your recovered from your jet lag and thoroughly enjoying your time in Berlin.
.-= Shawna R. B. Atteberry´s last blog ..A Lessed Depressed Update =-.
This is also the thing I’m always working on.
Being biggified, putting yourself OUT there, it requires more inner work than I ever expected. And this sovereignty thing, well it all comes back to this.
Thanks for reminding me (again)!
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Yearning for Yarn-Mail? =-.
@Jen – yeah! It *is* about time to get to be king of something. Seriously. I love the idea of having a kingdom, even if (especially if?) that kingdom is me. Awesome.
@Elizabeth – sorry to hear about your size 50 steel-toed boot. Ugh! Horrible! Totally unfair! It *is* unbearably painful when the shoes fly, and especially when they come from our defenders. HUG.
@Sandy – yeah! And man, you totally have the right to be cranky. Crankiness always allowed. Cowardly shoes! Ugh. Hard.
@Ingrid – hug to you too, my dear. I get how painful this is when you want to be enjoying and appreciating things and that enjoyment gets interrupted.
The short, insufficient response is that I might try talking to Sad Sack Me (I have one too, but she’s called something else) and find out what she needs.
As in: “Hey, sad sack me. I’m getting that you have some loss to mourn or some fear of loss to mourn. What do you need? Is it comfort? Is it reassurance? Is it to cry until you’re done crying? If I could give you 20 minutes to help you, what would help?”
And then spend 20 minutes doing it. Crying. Or being in the sad. Or dancing. Or whatever Sad Sack Me thought was needed.
And then seeing how that makes *you* feel. Is it too much hard to let Sad Sack You run things for a bit? Is there something you need that’s not getting taken care of when Sad Sack is around? You know, investigative mouse.
Does that help? I hope a bit?
@Darcy – *blows kiss*
@Carina – oh absolutely. I am the princess of self-shoe-throwing. All the time.
There’s this Buddhist concept of the two arrows? The first arrow is the hard thing that happens and the second is you beating yourself up about it.
Sigh.
I’m pretty sure this is something that the sovereignty thing helps with too.
@Hiro – I love you so much. Your smartnesses and other forms of wisdom have been such a huge part of my growth and learning this year. Thank you for the beautiful word, the beautiful explanation and … everything, really.
A dear friend was having a very hard time yesterday (fearing that shoes would be thrown at her after she bravely put her wonderful self out there), and I could help her feel better thanks to what I have learned here. That was huge and I thank you for that, Havi.
Now, this post gives me the perfect way to tell her what I couldn’t find words for. Sovereignty. That is just perfect. Thanks, Hiro!
I’ll send the link to this post to my friend, and we’ll get to work on our stuff together. Awesome!
.-= Josiane´s last blog ..Retreating to write – and being treated to so much more =-.
Ugh. The shoes and the boots. When they come out of nowhere or I throw them at myself. (That second one was something I hadn’t even thought about until @Carina mentioned it – what a huge help!)
This is especially relevant for me this week but instead of explaining the long complicated why of it all, I’ll simply say thank you – to Havi and to everyone here for sharing yourselves so freely and reminding me that I am not alone in dealing with my stuff.
Sovereignty – such a lovely goal.
I just have to say I love this community. Thank you for making this such a wonderful, safe, sharing place Havi.
.-= Shawna R. B. Atteberry´s last blog ..A Lessed Depressed Update =-.
Havi,
Truly, this post could not have come on a better day. I was sitting here, freaking out about two very difficult/scary things I just did — my own stuff, things others wouldn’t necessarily consider a big deal — and was beginning to whip myself into a frenzy. Your words were so soothing and rational. Thank you!
Emma
.-= Emma´s last blog ..Carpet Treatment, Red Variety =-.
My goodness. I haven’t commented before but since I stumbled onto your blog a few months ago, Havi, I have found it uncannily helpful.
As in: this post today. SHOES! I just had a difficult experience, in which I traveled a great distance at great cost in order to put my work on the line, all so that I could receive the honor of being savagely critiqued by snarky, jaded critics. It is so hard to get a handle on this because part of being a “professional” means I am supposed to be able to handle shoes being thrown at me with grace, and in fact should be GRATEFUL for it. Any press is good press, right? But instead of feeling sovereign I feel severely thrown off balance and vulnerable. More like a hapless visiting ambassador who should really think about another line of work. Like maybe being a hermit.
And I just keep coming back to the question: how can I handle being judged? How can I handle being open when people look at me and find me wanting? Especially when they are not only critics and strangers but also the people who know and love me best?
So: thanks for writing a post that directly addresses these questions, as I try to figure out what the hell happened and where to go from here. It helps so much to hear how you have handled show-throwing.
Wow. Thank you so much for this beautiful post. Like so many others here on the blog, and particularly in these comments, this concept of Sovereignity is so welcome and nourishing and comforting. I didn’t know I even needed this word until you gave it to me, and now it’s like “Ahhhhhhh, yes, that’s it exactly.”
And being a fellow word person, having that word helps so much. Because one word I can remember, in the midst of things, in the middle of being pulled off center. And I understood the concept of Sovereignity, before I had the word for it, but because I didn’t have a word for it, it proved so elusive when I most needed to remember the concept.
So many thanks to Havi and to Hiro. And may we all be blessed with much Sovereignity. Mmmmmmmm
Havi, some time ago you wrote something that quite literally has been changing my life. Srsly! If I weren’t so abysmally lazy I’d run a search thru’ your archives to find it, but I am and I won’t, so here’s a paraphrase: Your stuff is not my stuff. Your stuff is your stuff. My reaction to your stuff is my stuff.
I still lose it now & again, but less often & and with much less emotional investment. These days I approach a shoe fight with rubber flip-flops instead of big-ass stilettos. It’s less about defending myself than about defending my boundaries, which is quite different; and it feels different, more like I’m acting like a grown up (not about time, I might add, seeing as I’m on the Grown Up side of 60!).
Fabulous post, as always. Thanks bunches! — SuzieQ
I am reminded of an old proverb:
“When somebody throws a shoe at you pick it up and run away. That way you have an extra shoe and they will be running with only one shoe.”
Some times the best revenge is letting the universe take care of things in its own time.
(Gratuitous Ayn Rand reference… One of my favorite sections of “The Fountainhead” comes when Elton Tooey tells Howard Roark how many times he (Tooey) had sabotaged Roark over the years and asks him triumphantly, “Now what do you think of me, Mr. Roark?” Roark comments “I don’t.” before walking away.)
This is very much where I am right now – learning that people are dealing with their own stuff and it isn’t about me. It’s really hard to undo that lifetime of training sometimes, but I’m working on it. And in the process I’m hoping I can stop caring so much about what other people think, and worrying about how I will appear to them.
Sometimes I even believe myself, sometimes not. I’m hoping that at least recognizing that the shoes are not my shoes is a step in the right direction, and that evolution will follow. I think that if I keep at it one day I can achieve some measure of sovereignty.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Making Things =-.
Another thank you for the word sovereignty. I have been turning away from over-sensitivity, ‘its about ME!’, and now I have an excellent word that encapsulates what I am turning towards. In my collaging recently lots of images of queens have been coming up, and now I have a better sense of what that’s about. Very grateful.
.-= Kate T.W.´s last blog ..Lynda Barry Rocks! =-.
I’ve totally been in that space. And you’re right, looking back over the past three years, there really is an evolution of how I perceive what’s going on. I was blessed (ha!) with learning the “it’s their stuff, not mine” in a big way. The good thing about it…I’m a lot more aware of the whole thing when it shows up again.
And like Kate TW said, I am very grateful for having learned this lesson in a quick and easy way (it just required couple Xanax, the love & support of friends and family and a quick visit with a therapist to be given “permission” to be angry – eh, it happens). As far as I’m concerned…that’s quick and easy 😉
.-= Katy´s last blog ..You Are NOT on Sale =-.
Wow! This was so useful. I love the word Sovereignity.
I always pick a quality to focus on during the new year and this might just be the word for next year. I love it!
.-= Waverly´s last blog ..Plant Birthdays =-.
This reminds me a lot of something I read in The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz, which is: Don’t take things personally. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you. I have to say that it is a very freeing concept, one I have been lucky enough to be able to embrace after some practice. My life has become a lot more peaceful as a result.
Hi Havi and everyone
Wow.
A couple (or three things).
~ Sovereignty. Wow. I just read the word and had a smack-down, big-bang oh-my-god realisation that there is a large part of me that believes that other people’s opinions (of me and my work) are significantly more important than my thoughts/opinions.
Seriously? After all this time? All this work?
Sheesh. The Work keeps on going, huh?!
~ I haven’t posted anything on my blog for months, it being a ‘business communication’ blog and largely about presentation skills and (shhhhh) (((I don’t have anything new to say about presentation skills right now)))
I am doing a lot of thinking/reading about conflict resolution, but I need to incubate that stuff, not expose it all out there, all naked with no skin…
So… eep. No blogging.
~ I am frozen at the thought of shoes, and the objective truth is – I am having NO shoes thrown at me AT ALL at the moment. NONE. Yet I am pretending (I just realised in the last, oh, about 6 minutes) that I am having shoes thrown at me.
Double sheesh. Triple sheesh.
Sheesh.
Thanks Havi.
Sovereignty.
Sheesh.
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last blog ..Never how you planned it =-.
terrific post Havi. One of your best yet. I particularly like the wrap-up in which you describe your conversation with Hiro — the word ‘sovereignty’ has never been so well-used.
thanks for being unique!
Jill Bird
MMm…..sovereignty.
I read that word and my whole body just hums happily. Seriously. It hummms. Like a happy alpaca.
That’s the key. That’s it. It’s like everything in me is going, “That’s what you’re looking for!”
And the other day, inspired by your piratey queen-ness, I realized that I’ve always wanted to be an empress.So now, I am Empress Sarah, of Sarahland. Where it’s perfectly acceptable to be a crazy cat lady and a crazy alpaca lady and an artist and everything else that I’ve ever wanted to be.
Mmm.
Sovereignty.
Thank you for writing this 😀
And Hiro! Your wonderful comment just clarified the whole thing. 🙂
yes, sovereignty. i need some more of that in my life.
i have this habit of obsessing over one shoe for ages and ages…what i could have/should have said or done and blah, blah, blah. i want to be in the place of it rolling smoothly off my back and then never looking back to see where it rolled off to.
i’m liking this gentle compassion with where you’re at in the moment. i’m hoping that some of that, mixed in with asking what this obsessing part needs will help.
.-= leah´s last blog ..Inspiration: Guest Post by Jess Gonacha Swift =-.
Loved the post, havi. I wish I were at my real laptop and not tapping madly on my iPhone.
But I’d like to raise a question for discussion. I know a lot of people who bluster about how “they don’t care what anyone thinks” and “I am who I am live with it!”
that just feels aggressive and awful to me. Not like sovreignty at all. Thoughts from the community?
Sovereignty, wow! From taking criticism on my teaching style from undergraduates to feeling really, really intimidated by other students in my MFA program, I’ve been having a lot of trouble not jumping to conclusions and not making it about me lately. This post was really helpful. Thank you!
I’ve been hearing that word this year for the first time.
Sovereignty.
And the feeling of inhabiting my self – it comes to me more often now. The feeling is brand-new, and, as with so many new things, not always comfortable. It just doesn’t fit with some of my old habits.
When I stand in myself (when I am sovereign inside), I may feel fear when it comes to visit, but it isn’t bigger than I am any more.
Sovereign – victim – sovereign – victim – sovereign. The balance seems to be shifting.
The sovereign can fill all my spaces.
Meredith
.-= Meredith´s last blog ..Project Crazies =-.
I am really loving sovereignty, and keep working to breathe it in. Sovereignty. Wow.
And, it made me think of this artist, whose work I really enjoy (disclaimer – I’ve not yet purchased any of this work and don’t know the artist at all – I just really love it and thought some of you might like it too:)
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=46726
Marvelopolis and the Peaceable Harbor? University of Wonder. *swoon*
@Kristin – yeah. You’re right on that. It definitely would seem that people making a big point about how “they don’t care what anyone thinks” and “I am who I am live with it!” aren’t standing in sovereignty.
If you’re in your sovereignty (I think — it’s not like I live there yet), you don’t need to state it. You’re just there.
So loudly, aggressively not caring what anyone thinks is maybe more about affirming something that maybe isn’t happening yet. Especially if there are some added shoes/shoulds about how YOU should stop caring what other people think already.
That’s my sense, at any rate. My hope is that the more I’m able to experience this quality, the *less* it will bother me that other people aren’t in it, not more. Yeah?
[Edit! I didn’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t care that they think they don’t care! Because that would just be even more shouldery. Just that I agree with you that Loudly Not Caring is different than actually not caring. Sorry about that!]
Sovereignty. I read that word and felt such peace.
I’ve recently been working through some stucknesses with in-laws–one of the toughest things EVER, because it’s hard to step away when people continue to throw shoes. And no one tells you when you’re first married that you have anything like permission to own your time and interactions.
I decided to step away for a while–not permanently, not forever, but for a while. To take back some of my… what was that perfect word I needed?
Sovereignty.
Thanks for sharing your stuff. You’re a blessing.
.-= stacey´s last blog ..with a little help from my friends =-.
I am new here, and I’m somewhere on the spectrum between it’s all about me and it’s all about them, mostly it’s all about them (with the accompanying anger and frustration and indignation and, basically, beating head against wall because entire world can’t see things my way). So I’m eating this stuff up.
.-= Swistle´s last post … Sneaky Sneaky SNAKY =-.