Selma and the Schmoppet and I are at the Rally (Rally!) this week.
Which means we are projectizing and destuckifying and getting a shocking amount of things done (we’ve already updated the events page — awesome).
So today I’m going to do something a little ….
I don’t know. Something… risky? revolutionary? sneaky? complicated?
Instead of putting up what was going to be today’s post, I am going to just give you the concept for today’s post.
You’ll have the point. The thing I would normally be explaining and example-ing.
And then I will let you expand on it.
Here it is.
When you encounter a bully, they seem so big.
They seem so big because you’re also seeing the shadow of every other bully you’ve ever encountered, at the same time.
They seem powerful because you are remembering vulnerable. They seem threatening because you remember being threatened.
If I were writing this post….
If I were writing this post, I’d talk about the variety of options available for shrinking that shadow.
Things like:
- noticing that it’s there and that it’s a pattern
- clearing things out by interacting with the past bits
- talking to monsters and past versions of you
- asking what is from now and what is yours
- releasing guilt
- separating from the stuck
- giving legitimacy to fear, discomfort, feeling conflicted.
I would try to do this with compassion, without prescriptive language and without taking myself or the subject overly seriously.
Then I’d take another twenty minutes or so to find the right words for a graceful but firm explanation about asking smart questions. About being careful not to jump to conclusions or launch into advice-giving.
And that holds true whether we’re interacting with our own stuck or watching someone else (like me, for example) interact with theirs.
But I’m not writing this post….
And you don’t have to either.
Just to play a little, though. What are some of the useful points here that I would be making? Or that you might imagine I would?
If you like, you could explain what is true about the point — the essence — of this post.
Or you can ask questions you have about it (if you’re in the position of wishing I had written the post.
Or you can make intelligent guesses about what this has to do with legacy and exit strategies.
Or you can just shake your head and say to yourself, man, even when Havi says she’s taking a day off from teaching stuff she’s still going to teach stuff.
And you can eat pie, in honor of Rally. Rally! Or imaginary pie, if you’re me.
Speaking of imaginary pie.
Give yourself imaginary back-patting sparklepoints if you’ve already figured out that the point of today’s post was actually the point of yesterday’s post.
And if you didn’t, give yourself imaginary sparklepoints anyway. Sometimes I am subtle and tricksy.
Off to eat imaginary pie.
And yes, comment zen in the blanket fort for today:
We are thinking out lout here.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We let everyone have their own experience, which means we don’t give individual people unsolicited advice about what to do with their lives.
Kisses to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
Follow
Since you didn’t write this post–Taking permission to comment in way that isn’t a comment to any of what you asked for…
Noticing what could be intentional or accidental genius and loving it: “Thinking out lout here”
Lout: Noun: An uncouth or aggressive man or boy: “drunken louts”.
YES- let’s think that bully out folks with all your brilliant options.
Rallies away…
I had a really interesting experience with a bully in a work situation. Had an extremely weird encounter with her. So broke about 1 million years of habit and tackled it straight on. She was insecure and as batty as a fruitcake. And by me calling her on it she stopped with me – and moved onto someone else in the office. Interestingly I read an article in a mag investigating workplace bullying and it said that bright skilled people were more likely to bullied as they present a treat to the bullee…
.-= creativevoyage´s last post … save the postcard campaign =-.
I was beaten by a large man over 20 years ago. Even now if I get too close to someone with a similar build, my lizard freaks out. We have a friend whose build reminds me of the person who assaulted me. I have to talk to the me of then whenever we are around him and reassure her that this is not then, it is now. Good tools to have, even if my lizard still isn’t 100% convinced.
Oh, and you can find some servings of imaginary pie over at my blog. Thanks for the inspiration! 🙂
.-= Andi´s last post … Imaginary Pie =-.
I love that given issues with plagiarism that you’ve encountered recently, that you are willing to play with the idea of having others “write” your post, but in a for real and with the right intentions, rather than in a hollow echo of imitation without substance. Cool.
Oh, oh, oh…
Right now, I am thinking about the bully that lives inside of me. The internalized bully.
I guess maybe some of my monsters act like bullies sometimes, but I don’t think that’s exactly what I mean.
No, this bully is more of a shadow. It’s right on the periphery of my awareness. It’s the bully that I anticipate, sometimes. The one that keeps a part of me hunching my shoulders, waiting for the blows.
Perhaps, at moments when I find myself thinking, Oh no, I can’t do that, because people will be mad at me and that will mean that they don’t love me anymore!…that’s me, responding to the shadowed, anticipated, internalized bully.
Maybe beating myself up is an even more sinister metaphor than I think.
Brrr.
I think this is where the faith that now is not then can really help me. I do not have to stay stuck. I can grow; I can transcend.
I think this may also be a situation in which to practice sovereignty. If I am enough for myself, then I am free to simply give love without fearing others’ reactions, and that internal bully is disarmed.
Legacy? Exit strategy? Still thinking about that.
Some of my ideas here feel a bit half-baked. I think I’ll put them in the oven and bake a pie of my own.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … RE-re-invention =-.
I imagine you might say something like: “Everything that is against me is an illusion”. The bully is a only person engaging in behaviors because the bully has his own stuff. If I feel vulnerable or if I feel threatened that’s my stuff. If I find a way to provide myself with safety and comfort the bully is no longer a bully. He/she’s just some asshat who’s over there doing some stuff that doesn’t matter at all to me because I am the queen of my kingdom and can’t possibly be bothered to pay attention such nonsense! But then you’d qualify it by saying this is really hard stuff to deal with and if you’re not quite there yet that’s ok too. Just meet yourself where you are.
(On a sidenote: Why doesn’t a queendom exist?. I want to invent one of those!)
As to intelligent guesses on the relation to Exit Strategies?
Well, this seems like something regarding your Oct 6 post where you ask “What types of things can I expect them to be able to do?” [once I am not available]. I suppose you’d expect us, when we have a stuckness, to be able to identify the helpful steps and go through these processes unaided (or with as little guidance as possible) in the future. In other words, you are trying to take the training wheels off and seeing how far we can pedal… If we can think of what you would say and how you would approach it then we are much further along in the task of solving our own problems in a more independent manner.
What is true?
– Some bullies shrink in scale when they can’t borrow the larger shadow of all the other bullies that came before.
Exit strategies and legacy: the key technique of encountering a bully or a threat is to understand why it’s so resonant for you. What came before? What shadows are there? How to love the younger me who was scared of that other bully so she doesn’t have to add her hurt and stuck to this current thing?
And: how do I bully myself (like @Kathleen said!) by attaching all those memories to the new bully? By loving and addressing all the past stuck that led me here, I will face the new stuck with fresh eyes, more resources, a more grounded self.
I like the part about smart questions. The smart question, to my mind, is not “Why are you bullying me?” but “How can I understand this bully by understanding all the bullies that have come before?”
Thank you as always, Havi. Wise words with good timing. Have fun at the Rally! Singing a shanty in my head just thinking about it…
.-= Jesse´s last post … Very Personal Ad No 11- The readiness is all =-.
I like this game! I always enjoy an opportunity to peek into somebody else’s brain/process.
Here’s where I get stuck with the bullies. Or rather, with New Yorkers, whom I very often perceive as bullies even though they probably aren’t. I recognize that I’m having strong emotions come up in a situation. I try to be as okay as I can with those emotions. I look into them, dig into past experiences and do some writing. But I still feel stuck. I’m hoping that there are other options besides a) running from Manhattan as if my hair’s on fire, and b) developing a “thick skin” (I’ve tried that one and it didn’t work at all). Are there other options? Some way to go sideways instead of through?
And of course, most happy rallying this week.
.-= Kylie´s last post … answer my call =-.
Sometimes I do this thing with pain.
When I’m having slow pain (aching, rolling pain), I sometimes stop myself and ask, “Where, precisely, is this pain located? What is the center point around which this pain revolves?” And I try locate in my body the tiny, pin-sized center of pain. When I focus on that point, all the other stuff that I thought was pain turns out to be just the idea of pain. All I’m left with is a pinprick.
When I run into bullies, I think I’m COMPLETELY scared or frustrated or angry, depending on the type of bully it is. But most of the time, it’s one little part of me that’s upset. It’s the my-memory-of-being-hurt part. When I can identify it, and focus on it, it becomes so much more manageable. After I’ve dealt with me, I can deal with the bully, but not before.
Kat
.-= Kat´s last post … Confusion Ethics All that jazz Part 2 =-.
I recently gleaned my own bully truth – which is that I am a grown-up now, and I have choices. And sovereignty. And if I need to, I can take my ball and go home.
It’s taken me 34 years to figure that out. The taking my ball and going home bit. I still feel like a high school student with a bad teacher that I can’t get rid of, so much of the time.
And so, yes. Our experience of bullies (or just people we don’t click with in general) is very much tied up with our past, and reflects times when we didn’t have the power we have now. But now we have it, if we choose to. I think so, anyway.
And, as yesterday was Thanksgiving here in Canada, I actually am eating pie. Pumpkin, with whipped cream. I have extra to share, too.
.-= Amber´s last post … Mothering- Choices and Consequences =-.
Well, as it happens, I wrote some on this topic the other day, conveniently linked below.
I have lots of thoughts on bullies. And I did get that this tied in to yesterday’s post.
Things I would try to remember if dealing with one myself:
1. Stand tall. Physically and metaphorically to remind myself and show the bully that I know I have a right to my space and the conditions that will make me feel supported within it. Sovereignty!
2. Be clear about how I want things/treatment to change while being willing to listen to the bully’s side. Ideally use NVC.
When I hear the same CD played outside my office all day in our common hallway, I feel exasperated because I need to work without distractions to me and my clients, and I would like you to put your CD player in your office so that I can’t hear it.
3. Breathe.
hth, and good luck!
.-= claire´s last post … Happy National Coming Out Day! or dont let the motherfuckers get you down =-.
My dear Havi,
It looks to me like you have purposefully presented the list of options for “shrinking the shadow” in reverse.
You generally begin by giving LEGITIMACY to whatever feelings are there –be they anger, fear, resentment, conflicting feelings, or whatever.
For me, with the case of the ever-repeating CD, feelings of being helpless, voiceless and disrespected might take shape in a thought like, “Stand back. Mama’s got a sledgehammer!”
At this point, Guido the GUILT monster might pipe in and say, “Evolved people are tolerant; they don’t reduce themselves to such feelings. Whassamattah pa you?”
I gently remind Guido that I have not reduced myself to anything. I am, in fact, distinct from my feelings. Happily defeated, Guido skips off to his real business, which is to eat imaginary (pizza) pie.
I look at the situation from my new, SEPERATE vantage point. I recognize that I also felt helpless, voiceless and disrespected when I was around a guy named Dushek.
I comfort and encourage MYSELF-FROM-THEN, who never really healed from the Dushek trauma. I hold her close and let her cry out THE PAST BITS. We talk and make the mutual discovery that Dushek’s behavior really had nothing to do with her…
…just as CD Lady’s behavior has nothing to do with me (OR Dushek!). I notice a PATTERN. With my crown mounted solidly on my head, I resolve to communicate my present needs to CD Lady in a Non-Violent manner (a la @Claire, above).
And THEN I get out the sledgehammer (No, no, of course I don’t.).
……………………………………………………
My best, most intelligent guess as to what this has to do with legacy and exit strategies: You are considering launching a fleet of pirate ships, which will be commandeered by pirate princes and princesses, trained to mastery by your fluent self, who will then be free to write a book about the mysterious treasure.
noticing that it’s there and that it’s a pattern
clearing things out by interacting with the past bits
talking to monsters and past versions of you
asking what is from now and what is yours
releasing guilt
separating from the stuck
giving legitimacy to fear, discomfort, feeling conflicted.
.-= Rupa´s last post … The Doors of Perception =-.
@Rupa
I just wanted to say how much I adored your version of the post! And extra enjoyment from the capitalised key-words – oh, joy, ease of reading!
Thank you 🙂
I first read the exit strategy as us having all the skills and tools we need to deal with bullies, whether you are here or are off on skabbatical writing a fabulous and so incredibly necessary book for us.
But now I keep thinking about how much I crave an exit strategy when I’m being beaten up by a bully. How I want in that moment the right tools to gracefully extricate myself from the situation, in a way that feels safe to me and doesn’t involve being violent to the bully.
So there’s the exit strategy where you leave those you love in a place where they are still well-cared for. And the exit strategy where you take leave of the bully in a kind and non-violent way. The sovereign Queen in me says, “There is no difference between those two kinds of exit strategies.”
.-= Dawn´s last post … A Quick September Wrap-Up =-.
i love the extra sparklepoints!
this post is a direct translation of yesterday’s post. in fact, it kinda sounds like what was going on in my head when i read yesterday’s posts.
love them both equally.
down with bullies – internal and external!
.-= Tami´s last post … Teacher Tips- From the Yoga Mat to the Classroom =-.
i just wonder how many times I’m going to have to tell all parts of me + my monsters that NOW IS NOT THEN before they believe me. I end up doing the ten-reasons-now-is-not-then almost every day and I’m running out of reasons…