I’m recovering from my first encounter with the insanely insane number that is what I’m paying in taxes this year.
We knew it would be insane, of course, just not the sum of the insanity. After five years in a growing business, this was the first year as a corporation, first year with full time employees. All kinds of firsts.
So here I am. Thinking about numbers, and more specifically about my relationship with money and saving it.
Conflicted Wanting.
Whenever I think I want something and it’s not actually happening — or not happening as much as one would like it to be happening, I call on Metaphor Mouse.
Not because I need a new metaphor (though honestly, who doesn’t like a crisp new metaphor?), but because the act of metaphor-mousing always helps me destuckify and untangle.
I’ve been alive long enough to know that when most people say they want something, there’s a part of them invested in not wanting it.
This is what I call Conflicted Wanting.
I’ll tell you the truth. I didn’t want to do this.
I thought I didn’t need this exercise.
Obviously being able to save money is what I want more than anything, so why would I have to check for sneaky hidden negative associations with it?
But if I were working with a client or a student and this was their thing?
I’d pretty much assume Conflicted Wanting.
And then we’d get ready to find out what was going on. Sigh. Yes, of course we would. So what would we do?
We’d create an atmosphere of safety.
Since this is the land of here be monsters, safety is the most important thing.
Safety first!
We’d call on some serious Negotiators, just to have them around. Just in case.
We would make safe rooms. Possibly also hide in a blanket fort.
And tune in to the essence of the object of desire. In this case: protection, comfort, support, kindness, stability, freedom.
We’d practice giving legitimacy.
It is not unusual to think you want something with all your heart and still have parts of you who resist it.
It is okay to want something and not want it at the same time.
We all self-sabotage like crazy. We all have residual doubt and experiences of pain that accompany desire. I remind myself: This is normal and human and nothing is wrong with me.
We’d ask curious, loving questions.
“Are there any potential negative consequences that I can imagine resulting from this thing that I want?”
“Who gets hurt if this happens?”
“Which parts of me are not on board with this?”
And then we’d talk to Metaphor Mouse.
What are my associations with the thing I think I want?
Saving money = ?
[+safety] [+support] [+trust] [+reassurance] [+possibility] [+preparing for future] [+kindness to Future Me] [+appreciation] [+sustainability]
And are there any negative associations with the thing I think I want?
Ahahahahahahaha. Why yes. Funny you should ask. I filled an entire page with them.
Among my negative associations that I hadn’t known about:
[+ball and chain]
[+grown ups are boring]
[+where’s the excitement?]
[+caution based on fearfulness]
[+it’s for people who don’t know how to be flexible]
Interesting.
What do I really want?
Well, I’m really drawn to the idea of savings as a buffer. I like the spaciousness that comes from having room to maneuver. That’s the flexibility thing again.
And I think I’ve just figured out where the stuck is. It’s a false rule that says you can live the way you want (using play and trust and love) or you can live by saving, but not both.
The truth is, maybe I can do both.
Is there resentment, guilt or shame related to my experience with saving?
Yes.
So now what?
Well, that’s where destuckification moves from initial investigation into ongoing process, right?
I walked myself through memories of different experiences, with help from the internal negotiators.
I talked to some monsters (particularly This Can Never Change and You Will Get Hurt No Matter What), with the help of the Monster Manual and Coloring Book.
And I used Metaphor Mouse to discover that I don’t particularly like the phrase “having a cushion” but I do really like force fields.
So my practice of “saving” is becoming a practice of strengthening my force field and collecting sparklepoints, which sounds like way more fun.
And now I’m going to keep taking notes, and using the Book of Me to remind me that I’m in the process.
And comment zen for today…
Wow. So today I pretty much managed to cover all the things that are hard to talk about (money, pain, fear, monsters, destuckification…).
We’re going to need extra safety today.
Here’s what I don’t want:
I do not want to be told what to do, what to try or how to feel. I do not want advice. Or reassurances. Or “you should be grateful that your business is successful.” None of that is what I need right now.
Here’s what I would love:
Other situations of Conflicted Wanting that are familiar to you.
A sandwich. I would love a sandwich right now. I’m vegetarian and don’t eat sugar, if that helps. Virtual Sandwiches — fake band of the week! It’s just one guy!
And if you’re feeling especially brave and up to asking yourself some of the questions that I asked, go for it. That would be cool.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We give people room to have their own experience without trying to fix it for them.
That’s it. Love love love. This stuff is hard.
Follow
Conflicted Wanting. Oh this is so familiar!
There is the Conflicted Wanting of the Things I Think I Am Supposed To Want.
There is the Conflicted Wanting of the Things I Really Want But Have Good Reason To Avoid.
Then there is the sneakified Conflicted Wanting of the Things I Don’t Want To Acknowledge As Containing Conflict.
All three ask me to let go. Of the confusion or guilt, or of the fear of Conflicted Wanting itself.
This is a really useful post, I don’t think I’d ever conceptualized the whole Conflicted Wanting thing (in so many words) before, though it’s clearly a familiar and important thing to acknowledge.
This part in particular: “Is there resentment, guilt or shame related to my experience with [the thing I want]?”
I definitely need to think about that one in particular, because YES YES YES and also all those scared lonely parts of the Wanting clearly need some more love from me.
<3
Oh, wonderbucket. (Bucket of Wonder. It makes total sense.)
I don’t usually play along in the comments, but I will because this is exactly what is happening with me right now.
I have a new blog. I’m very excited about the new blog. I have lots of ideas, I like what I’m talking about, I like what people are saying they like about it.
I am very afraid (despite the good feedback I’m getting) that I am doing it wrong, that there is a vast conspiracy of people out there who do not like it and who think I’m kind of stupid for doing it at all.
I’d like it to be an adventure. Discovery, curiosity, inquisitiveness, thoughtful consideration, finding keys to locks, going down unmarked paths in hopes of finding some new wisdom there.
It feels more like a test. Every word I write will be judged and graded. Every time I misstep it’s a total failure, go back to the beginning, start over.
I’m not sure how to resolve this except to remind myself that I like existence within the first circle of words much more than the second circle, and that it is my choice to decide which circle I move within.
I need to write more. I feel better when I do, I understand things better when I do. Not on the website, in my own journal, for my own safety.
I need to talk to my people more, because they center me. They are how I find out where I really am by bouncing what I am thinking off of them and seeing what drifts past and what comes back to me more solid, more true.
I also need a sandwich, because I wrote a very hard post last night with the help of a teacup full of Scotch, and then I got some good feedback from a smart friend, and then I was sick all night long and it was horrible and made me feel like all the good wasn’t good anymore.
A grilled cheese sandwich. With lots of butter and sweet pickles.
I would also like a bigger tree.
Conflicted Wanting. I has it. And if it had to do with money or taxes AND something that I love, it might do me in. Many hugs.
Mine is about teaching. I think I’m coming out on the other side (in certain moments) and then I am pulled (pull myself?) back in with the questions and terror and who-do-you-think-you-are’s. I’m kind of scared of people. How in the hell do I think I’m going to teach?
Thanks for the questions, I’m stepping through, and it’s helpful.
Tomato, basil, and fresh mozzarella — not sure if it’s a Virtual Sandwich or Just One Guy, but either way, bon appetit!
I have a lot of patterns around Conflicted Wanting right now. They are…enervating. Yes. And very much related to my aforementioned backpack of sadness.
Thank you so much for the reminder that safety is necessary, and thank you, as always, for this safe space.
I want a force field 😛
-hands you a choice of sandwiches as my friend is a vegetarian and is always sick of cheese because that’s always the option.. so there’s cheese or erm.. hummus or anything else you would want. including pickles and pepper and olives.
I have so much conflicted wanting.
I want to do a masters and to learn, but I don’t want to sell my services to make the money to cover it.
I want to learn and write papers but not do the actual research.
And I want some toast but we only have a type of bread that I don’t like. So annoying.
🙁
-pouts-
Will have to ask some of these questions later and see if anything happens 🙂
I’m with Jesse – this whole Conflicted Wanting is a familiar phenomenon but it’s always been a bit fuzzy, until you put it so eloquently. Thank you! <3
My huge Conflicted Wanting issue at the moment revolves around my MA thesis. I really really want to finish it and graduate, but I really really don't want to graduate after all, because that would mean facing the Post-Graduation World of Responsibility and Work and All Things Grown-Up. *sigh* And just as a side note, it's not like my current life of being a stay-at-home student mom of a one-year-old is all freedom and no responsibility. But since I'm living it, it can't be as bad as the P-GWRWATG-U, which is a huge black abyss of the unknown and the unpredictable.
And there's definitely a sense of You Should Want To Graduate Preferably Yesterday (hello, kind university officials who keep sending me the letters saying pretty much just that) both from outside and from within. And I do want to, it's just… conflicted.
Oh, and I won't even go into the part where that issue intersects my relationship with money. Let's just say there's lo-o-o-o-o-oads of Conflicted Wanting there.
But the part about giving it legitimacy makes sense, in both areas. I think I'll try that. Thank you!
And as far as sandwiches go, here's an avocado and tomato one on whole grain rye bread, if you'd fancy one?
SAVING IS SCARY
thanks for putting up pieces of the puzzle of why saving is scary!
for me part of it is
a) it’s haaaard
b) if i save someone or something will take it away again and THEN WHAT (at least now i never tried and its my own fault and things seem under control)
c) all the saved money goes to non-fun things like bills
d) once i save i will buy a house and become “settled” (ew)
and more stuff like that
control issues.
or something
and definitely self-sabotage (good word in this context!)
now i am going to hide out somewhere and recover from this thinking
HUGS all around to monsters, negotiators and hiders
OH! I have so much conflicted wanting.
– Debt Payoff & Subsequent Savings.
– Successful (aka busy) photo business.
– New job. (most conflicted EVER)
– relationship
– healthy eating habits
– more ideas for other things ‘to do with my life’
– and and and and
so much. so much so that i am always in a virtual tug of war with my wants. and therefore, progress is very slow for me. (or it feels slow)
definitely a lot of monster conversations that need to happen. especially to the “but you’re only one person – surely you don’t think you can do so much? there’s no way it’ll all fit into your schedule, sweetie.” monster.
samiches for all. tomato and mustard (in equal amts) was my favorite in high schoole. i think today i want inside-out grilled cheese.
Ha ha. I want to not want. Talk about Conflicted Wanting! Or is that a double-negative which reverses itself? Mostly it just gets stuck in the mud trying hard to turn itself around.
Working hard on it right now with my awesome writing coach. She is an expert at what she calls, Falling Down the Rabbit Hole – or in other words, not letting your inner critic and all it’s drama and baggage stop you from finding your true awesomeness.
It’s a process. One monster at a time.
Skip the sandwich. Have peanut butter on a banana. It’s great. And it’s chewy. It slows me down. I need stuff like that.
I have huge conflicted wanting around several issues right now. And some are issues I need to make decisions about this week, so I’ve been setting aside little bits of time this week to try to gently tease apart some of the conflict. Mixed results so far. It’s really difficult & uncomfortable & scary.
So hugs for everyone trying to tease apart their own conflicted wanting. And hugs for everyone who’s not yet ready to touch their conflicted wanting with a ten-foot pole, and are just feeling conflicted & off-kilter.
And for Havi — my thanks for sharing your smartnesses, and a virtual peanut butter & honey sandwich. With the good kind of peanut butter made solely out of crushed up peanuts & a little bit of salt, and oat bread made this morning, and gentle honey from happy local bees. Because everyone could use more comfort & sweetness.
Conflicted Wanting. Wow, that pretty much sums up my entire life in two words.
I need to be brave and face up to the parts of me that don’t want the things that 95% of me wants desperately, because the conflict is tearing me apart. Debt repayment is a big one for me right now… it really feels like if I was completely on board with it, that it would be going a lot quicker, y’know?
Many hugs & delicious sandwiches, Havi! And thanks for another incredibly useful & timely post.
the idea of making saving about a force field or even like a big shiny gold shield makes ‘saving’ seem mo fun. i can get down with that.
the money cushion. the money spa. the place you can go to even when you’re sh*t poor and still feel wealthy cuz you’ve got this bundle of saved cash joy lurking someplace, in a hotel with a champagne bucket ;)SUPER SECRET MONEY LOVER!
that’s my saving metaphor.
Thanks Havi for talking ’bout this. conflicted wanting is bad naughty dog. recipe for stuckiness. will def be using your genius exercise to help tonight.
samiches are on me! toasted! with juice on the side!
Conflicted Wanting — oh, yeah.
About Decluttering, offsite storage, basement rearranging, home office space, kitchen access, and on and on. Resentment and fear included.
But I am getting some of it done, slowly is OK. Lots of practice in restarting, making it more fun, successfully using Metaphor Mouse, recruiting monsters to help rather than hinder, remembering the wonderful spaciousness goals, noticing progress.
But, about Taxes, the backlog and the doing of the paperwork for:
Resentment, fear, and shame. Because it *should* be easy!
This is the one for which I need to work through the process you described. Thanks for the reminder and summary, Havi.
I want to get a new job, but I also have Conflicted Wanting and stuckness related to being an engineer and my current company.
Good associations w/ changing jobs:
new challenges
fun
finding meaning
experimenting – is this the kind of job I want
taking action
new chapter
Bad associations w/ changing jobs:
grass is always greener on the other side, aka regret
out of my confort zone
unknown unknowns
is it really that bad in my current job? (yes!)
leaving people behind at my current job, abandoning them 🙁
what if it doesn’t work out
do you deserve it?
This post is SOOOOOO worth the extra pickles!!! 🙂
Take as many as you’d like.
On top of your very favoritest sammie.
Enjoy! 😀
And thank you. 🙂
Oh yes. For me – if I save it, they will take it away. Who they are, I don’t know.
I am getting better with taxes and things, and I sent brownies to my payroll company so I can email and call them with questions and not feel annoying. Plus, brownies are awesome.
Thank you for giving me some things to ponder and work on.
Havi,
Conflicted wanting. Whew! You hit another run out of the ball park with this one. YAY! Lots to ponder and read over and over. Peanut butter and jam sandwiches for you :-).
oooh this so reminds me I want to go and live in the county of AND
in AND you can save and have fun
in AND you can be social and have solitude
in AND you can have a business and make money
in AND you can be a fully independent rounded human being and have a relationship
in AND you can have a tidy house and not become a housework fascist
Would you believe I searched The Fluent Self yesterday for “money”? I was looking, albeit a little early, for some insight into possible dysfunctions (the Conflicted Wanting bit) that I have around money. I have conflicted wanting around making money, and I find that a lot of my monsters were nodding (okay, some of them were yelling) in unison when I read this post. I also do not want to go anywhere near my relationship with money because it is FINE-thank-you. This is everybody else’s problem. This is society’s problem. It’s anyone’s but my problem – because please don’t make me go into that painful cave laden with fool’s gold.
I grew up under the reign of an accountant and a medical technologist. I went into debt paying taxes when I was still a dependent. This model has not exactly launched my money-making abilities as an adult. I have fundamental blindnesses about my relationships to business that are mostly children of the main money monsters.
I’ve got to get these monsters connected to the most helpful essence. How about opulence? I feel it connects well to the more fundamental essences of beauty, grace, plenty, stability, and freedom. My monsters also have opinions about opulence, but they’ve stopped yelling so loudly it makes me cry. I’ll spend some time with opulence, as well as my associations for it, but I’ll respect my monsters’ wishes to avoid the word “money.” – Hey, progress from yesterday!
Havi!
Thank you for the step by step breakdown the pre process…..this is so helpful. This was one of your posts that took a while to digest…however, worth the wait because as I type this I am sitting @ Bouldin cafe…if you ever come back to Austin, I highly recommend, although, as a fellow sensitive, I understand the horror that is/was SX/ACL. I hide in my house on those weeks…anyways. I’m sitting here, after slogging through months of avoidance and struggle, working on my website for my bodywork practice…and yes, conflicted wanting. Oh so perfect.
1. Ok, I’m in a safe place/I have created safety…I’m wearing my shield/charm necklace, I have loose leaf mint tea and a full belly.
2. Very, very ok with the idea of wanting/not wanting…have been experiencing that practice these last few months. Love the clarification that desire has its own very specific baggage.
3. Curious loving, questions: Yes, there are potential negatives to building a successful practice. Being too busy/not having enough time and energy. The feelings that come with that–overwhelmed, stressed, the mistakes that get made when I feel that way and the complications that brings. My body possibly hurting. …Who gets hurt? Myself, my son, my husband, my people. The parts of me that are not on board: the ones that want to play and who HATE being busy and working from 5:30a-10p. The ones who are scared of the unknown.
4. Associations: Successful Bodywork Practice (god, do I need to metaphor mouse that name/idea!) = being a grown up, having to have outfits, dealing with business crap like renting rooms and credit card machines, having to be GOOD–if I’m stepping into the ‘healer’ role, then I have to be perfect/no more partying. The major risks of failure…loosing face to my family and having to get a ‘real’ job/whither and die. Only being moderately successful/talented and having to interact with people who are better healers than me. EUWK.
That’s all I have so far. Negatives. No wonder I’ve been freaking blocked.
5. What do I really want? Freedom, space, time, rest, energy, yoga, balance, release, healing. Creativity and Beauty and Sacred. I want to give/provide/support other people in having those things too. Healing the world one person, one session at a time. Etc.
6. Is there any resentment/shame/guilt? Yes, but it’s super mild feeling right now, hurray shiva and therapy. The last time I was practicing regularly was in the midst of a traumatic time in my life…and there’s a lot of fear and major pain.
And so I remind myself that I’m building a lovely business harbor for my people to come find me and that truly, having the integral practice I want, creating that is my path. I heal myself every time I work on other people and that I can create a practice that gives me the things I want.
…with a little help from my Friends, anyways.
Peace, xoxoxo
Melissa
Wow, what a wonderfully thoughtful post about getting what we want and not knowing how to deal with the not wanting of the want. (that sentence made sense in my head)
Thanks also for the safe space to do this:
The thing I want: To stay home with my new baby when he or she comes into the world.
The yummy about this want:
-Getting to be with my baby all the time.
-Change of pace – let’s be honest, I’m not thrilled with my job these days and I’ve been wanting my summer break for a while (summer break like I used to get in school, you know, work hard all year and then forget about everything and relax for 3 months straight…. it’s no wonder we’re unprepared for the real world, but I digress)
-Freedom to be part of the mom group (it seems like the majority of the women I know are moms – most of whom stay at home or only work part time. I’ve been feeling left out of this friend group for a while b/c I’m the only one that can’t meet on a weekday morning)
-Feeling like I’m making the best decision for our family (this is not everyone’s best decision, but with the stress of my job, the cost of daycare, and a host of other factors, this is the best decision for US. Now, I just have to hold on to that conviction…)
The yucky for this want:
-I’ve never done this before – the what if’s (what if I’m no good at being a mom, what if I’m super lonely during the day, what if I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself if I’m not working full time, you get the idea)
-Worry about $ and where it’s all gonna come from (b/c really, my husbands pay just doesn’t cut it. There WILL be shortfall every month.
-Worry about will I be able to find projects and work part time or from home and even if I do, am I really good enough to charge someone for my stuff? (this is all tied back into self esteem issues and general fears of not being good enough. I know this rationally. Try telling my monsters that)
-I might get what I want only to discover that I’m no more contented as a mom than I have been as an employee.
-I don’t want to be seen by others as “wasting my education.” It took a long time to get where I am career wise. The yummy flipside of this fear is that I’ve worked hard and can now be more flexible in the where an when and how of my work.
*Sigh* its nice to acknowledge the yummy and the yucky. I’ve been politely telling the monsters and the fears that they are perfectly valid and that they have had their say, but that my decision is final. The more I live in the finality of this decision, the less the monsters seem to seek me out. I think they’re just lying in wait, but I will let them lie for now.
Thanks for the virtual blanket fort.
OMG yes. Conflicted wanting. Like with money (success and security please, but without the ominous shadow of You Will Be a Horrible Person If You Have Money), or with a nice stable happy household? Or the occasional thought about Moving To Bolivia, even though I’m pretty sure I’m happy to be an occasional visitor?
And sandwiches: my very favorite one from my two years living in Ottawa:
small white roll, homemade, sliced in half. Apply wonderful fresh tomato slices, salt, pepper, a slice of good cheese, smashed avocado. Eat while sitting at the dingy counter facing the cobbled sidewalk in the Glebe (or apply your favorite quaint neighborhood here.)
So a virtual one of those to you!
Wow. Conflicted Wanting. That resonates so much.
I feel that way about saving, and really most anything surrounding money, like making more money, or buying something nice. Money is HARD.
There’s also a lot of this in parenting. So much conflict there.
Hmm … things to think about, for sure. Thank you for that.
Thanks for sharing, this is so helpful. This was one of your posts that took a while to digest. about Taxes, the backlog and the doing of the paperwork for:
Resentment, fear, and shame. Because it *should* be easy!
This is the one for which I need to work through the process you described.