Why is such a tricky question.
Maybe even the trickiest.
There are times when it is so completely not useful to ask why. The resistance-filled why, which takes me into self-interrogation and blame.
But there is also the helpful why. The one that is loving, curious and receptive, which is perfect for destuckifying.
See also: The two kinds of asking why.
Ha. I knew I’d written about this before. Found it!
The practice of ten times why.
Anyway, a few years ago I went to this unbelievably straight business seminar in Vancouver (Hotel conference room! Suits! Outsider complex!).
And someone was talking about how at Toyota (see?), there’s this thing about asking why five times.
For example, when you’re investigating something that has gone horribly wrong, or you’re evaluating a system. You keep asking why until you get at the reasons behind the reason.
I loved that. And I started using it on everything. Not just business systems, but personal stuff too.
Except that sometimes I’d forget.
It’s not that I’d forget about the practice of asking why.
It’s just that I wouldn’t feel like it. Because I’d lost track of the part about the why being a gentle, inquisitive, caring why, instead of the mean what the hell is wrong with you why are you such an asshat kind of why.
But when I remember… then it works brilliantly.
Yesterday I used this for the Shiva Nata iPhone app. I was supposed to be reviewing it to make sure there weren’t any mistakes, but I was in mad avoidance mode.
No progress. I couldn’t even start. So I started doing the Ten Times Why thing, and around the sixth or seventh why, everything started to make sense.
Like this.
Curious me: I can tell you really don’t feel like going through the app. Tell me more about why this is something you’re avoiding…
Answer: Because I can’t do it.
Curious me: Why is it that you think you can’t do it?
Answer: Because it’s too much responsibility. It’s not fair! I don’t want this much responsibility!
Curious me: So you’re feeling pressured. Tell me, why is it that you think that this is about responsibility?
Answer: Because I’m pretty much the only person who can accurately and quickly check this for mistakes and find them. And if I mess up, it’s all on me.
Curious me: Why do you think it is that this is so painful?
Answer: Because my marriage fell apart and everything I tried was useless.
Curious me: Oh. Sweetie, I’m so sorry. Do you know why it is that now is reminding you of then?
Answer: Because everyone is counting on me and I am afraid to let them down.
Curious me: And why do you think that this is what is happening?
Answer: Oh! It isn’t. I fell into an old pattern but that isn’t what this is about at all. I can go through the app now. Thank you!
I do this with everything.
Curious me: So you’re really not in the mood to go to the dentist. That makes sense. Why do you think this is bringing up so much pain for you?
Answer: Because I miss my dental hygenist in Israel.
Curious me: And why do you miss her?
Answer: She was just a regular person. There wasn’t anything official about her. And her hair was a different color each time and she kept secrets for me.
Curious me: And why do you think that this helped you feel comfortable?
Answer: Because I felt at home. It was a safe place.
Curious me: I’m wondering about why you think it might be that that safety is so important for you.
Answer: Everything comes from safety.
Curious me: Why is it, do you think, that everything comes from safety?
Answer: Safety allows you to receive.
Curious me: And why do you think that this is true?
Answer: That’s my experience. But maybe I can create safety for myself in different ways. Maybe it’s up to me to make this a safe experience. Okay! I can think about that.
And with blog posts.
Curious me: I know! Let’s ask WHY a bunch of times! Why is it good to write this post now?
Answer: Because it is in my head taking up space. And because I can’t write when more posts are building up in my head.
Curious me: Why is it good to move stuff from your head to the blog?
Answer: Because it helps people and it helps me, and it lets me download the new thing.
Curious me: Why is it good to download the new thing?
Answer: Because it will solve all the challenges I’m currently dealing with.
Curious me: Why is it good to solve all the challenges you’re currently dealing with?
Answer: Because that’s how I become the me who runs XXXXXXXXX [secret future project of hugeness that cannot be spoken of here yet]. Oh! Of course.
It’s not really about five whys or ten or a hundred.
It’s just about being the Interviewer, and asking out of love.
It’s about channeling that genuine curiosity which comes from kindness. Without an agenda and without attachment to an end result.
And then letting each why take you somewhere deeper, following intuition and letting the WHYs do the work.
Hard stuff, for sure. Definitely a fairly advanced practice, but one that can be super useful.
If you’d like to play with me here in the comments by asking why over and over again, that would be wonderful. I would love the company.
And comment zen for today…
As always, we all have our stuff. And we take responsibility for our stuff by not putting it on anyone else.
We let people have their own experience and we don’t give each other advice (unless someone specifically asks for it, of course). That’s part of making a safe space to play.
Love for all the hard!
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Havi, your timing is uncanny. During the half hour before you posted this, I started a private journal entry with the subject “DESTUCKIFICATION TIME” to try to figure out why I was having such resistance to writing when I’d been so damn excited about it leading up to the start. (Dude, run-on sentence anyone?)
Thank you for this method – going to try it out on this writing knot. 🙂
Oh, yes, Havi!
WHY is my very, very, VERY most favorite question (and it’s also why I love 4-year-olds so much.) That’s all. 🙂
So ask away people! This is THE question that can uncover all sorts of sort of hidden stuff and super hidden stuff, if you’ll let it!
Hugs and happies — and why, why, WHY… 🙂
Shannon
Oh man, this suggestion is bizarrely suited to my current life: I’ve been avoiding calling the dentist for five days even though PART OF MY TOOTH BROKE OFF — and every day I’ve been just avoiding, avoiding, avoiding. I’ll try asking myself why (and not in the ‘WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU CALLING THE DENTIST?!’ style to which I’ve grown accustomed).
My therapist and I used to do that back when I was in therapy. She would help me break down things just by asking why over and over. Very helpful.
I’ve had this inkling, lately. That it might be helpful to ask why, but in a gentler way. For me, the letting go of attachment to a specific outcome part is especially key.
Curious Me: Why are we getting ready to do this now?
Answer: Because it was never the right time before. Now it is.
CM: Why do you know that this is the right time?
A: Because I can imagine it happening. It’s starting to feel true in my life, and in my body.
CM: Why does it need to happen at all?
A: Because it’s going to help me, and also other people. This is the inevitable path to me being the most awesome me possible.
Thanks, Havi.
Whenever I slip into the accusatory “WHY CAN’T YOU DO THIS ALREADY?” instead of the loving, “Why do you think this is so hard?”, the answer to the first question is now, “Because I’m just a bunny!” Because who could be mad at a cute little bunny?
Curious Me: Why am I procrastinating on this presentation?
Answer: Because it’s hard.
CM: But why is it hard?
A: I’ve never done this before and I don’t know what to expect.
CM: Seems like you’re worried about that or it’s a little scary not knowing what’s going to happen.
A: Shit yeah it’s scary! What if something goes wrong? What if something explodes?
CM: Okay, probably nothing is going to explode. But good thinking and way to express yourself. The other way of looking at it, is what if some really good stuff happens? I know you’re probably scared because you can’t control everything. And that’s okay. But know that giving up that control allows others to share and contribute and do their thing and make your thing a whole lot better. They want to help you. These people are smart and have been nice to you. They can be trusted.
A: Well that’s a good point, thanks. One thing I can control is what I bring to the table. And to trust that that will be enough. I don’t have to orchestrate the world, just do my little thing pretty well. That will be enough.
I’m the biggest WHY person I know. From my beginning of time, I’ve been asking why. I think it makes people impatient. But I do get frustrated when it comes time to asking myself why, about my own crap. I don’t have answers all the time, and I end up saying, well, that’s why I’m asking why! Because I don’t know! Or maybe I’m not asking the right whys and instead I end up asking, when did this happen? What happened that I’m now acting this way or doing this or whatever? I feel like as soon as I have that answer, I’ll go, AHA! Okay, now I have something concrete to fix—the root.
In the end, though, I don’t make much progress. And I keep getting told I should do EFT or that why doesn’t matter, that the fact is, there is an issue and the why is irrelevant; it should be enough to recognize there is a problem and then address it. But I don’t roll that way. I have to understand.
Which comes back to why, and which whys to ask. The truth is, I have resistance to asking lately because I get frustrated but it also means I have to do something about it, and my experience tells me I’m not usually successful. The accountability you mentioned, the responsibility, is exceedingly stressful to me, and causes me to move into that second type of why, the asshat why.
Anyway. Why is this comment so long? Because this post is relevant to my life right now. As is most stuff you mention.
CM: Why have I been battling with a cough for two weeks, followed by another cold in combination with a lumbago, in short WHY do I feel so damn shitty?
A: I am probably supposed to slow down.
CM: Why should you slow down?
A: Lots of things and new perspectives (all pretty positives ones) have been unfolding at pretty rapid speed.
CM: Why is this a reason to slow down if it is all positive?
A: I am obviously a person who takes a bit longer than others to “digest” upcoming changes. But I feel I always need to keep going. I can non-do but not in my head.
CM: Why can’t you stay in the present for a while and let the future be the future?
A: Ugh, that’s a hard one. I could now sit down and wonder how I will organize a potential move in over a year’s time into an appartment I won’t even start looking for before May 2012. I can also spend time listing names in my heads of dear people I have been wanting to phone or write to for ages and just haven’t done it because I am in a non-communication mode.
CM: Why would they be annoyed about it?
A: They wouldn’t. I am not annoyed with friends if I don’t hear from them.
CM: Why don’t you start of with a little practice this week: do what needs to be done at work and otherwise go into hermit mode and let go of all planning and “I need to”.
A: Sounds pretty good to me – but challenging. Then I will sit at home and be annoyed about my back and about not being able to move.
CM: Why can’t you turn this into a time to put your thoughts into finding out how to move again and how to move differently?
A: Good idea.
Why am I still awake?
–Because I don’t want to go to bed yet.
Why don’t I want to go to bed, even though I am tired?
–Because I want some time just for me, to comfort myself.
Why don’t I want to comfort myself by going to bed and going to sleep?
–Because it’s too lonely. And because I feel sad. I don’t like to go to sleep when I feel sad.
Why don’t I like to go to sleep when I feel sad?
–Because then I might wake up and still feel sad. I’d wake up and think, “Oh, yeah, I remember now, I’m sad,” and that would be terrible.
Why would that be so terrible?
–I’d be completely defenseless.
Why would you be completely defenseless?
–Because I’d just be waking up! I might not have time to put my defenses in place before waking up to the sadness.
Why do you want to defend yourself against the sadness?
–So that I don’t feel bad about myself.
Why does sadness make you feel bad about yourself?
–Um. I don’t know. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough. Like I’m not okay.
…Aaaand I could go on. For a long, long time, I suspect. It strikes me that some of the answers that are surfacing here could also benefit from the question, “Is that really true?” phrased with gentleness and love.
Meanwhile, maybe I’ll try going to bed now.
Love love LOVE the bunny answer, Kelly! Brilliant!