I had kind of a disturbing realization this past week — and it really shook me up.
Be patient with me though. It might seem kind of superficial at first glance, but it’s not:
I am not an outsider. And neither are you.
Whoah. Crazy. This makes no sense.
Nope. Not an outsider. Not a freakish, weird, unconventional eccentric different-from-all-of-you outsider. Not even slightly.
Which is seriously messing with my head because — for as long as I can remember — outsider-ness has just been a natural part of my identity. It’s not just part of the story. It’s the whole damn narrative.
I guess the other way of phrasing this is that we are all equally outsiders and that none of us gets to claim the narrative as original, but I’m not ready for philosophizing.
I need to process some of this. Out loud. Well, you know, here.
A whole history on the outside.
I can’t even figure out where to begin with this. Name any point in my life and I’m on the outside of things.
It took me years to lose my accent in Hebrew and even then … one tiny slip-up, one not-remembering an old commercial and that’s it, all of a sudden you’re a foreigner again.
Ugh. I don’t even want to talk about what it was like for me living in Germany.
And when I came back to the States after eleven years of not having spoken English, people would talk loudly at me and explain what words meant.
Incredibly annoying.
But even now that people have stopped saying “Wow, your English is really good!” and I can finally “pass” as an American, I don’t fit in.
I grew up without television. Still don’t have one. Most cultural references go over my head. Because I went to university in Tel Aviv, I don’t have shared collective memories about college or anything.
Never celebrated Thanksgiving until two years ago. Never had a chance to vote in an election here until this year. Most of the time, I have no idea what people are talking about.
Making peace with not belonging.
My way of coping with the “always on the outside” thing was to incorporate that into my identity.
After the first twenty years of being hurt, resentful, jealous and confused, I figured out that I was always going to be different and baby, that’s the way it is.
I made my difficult peace with the fact that I was probably always going to be wearing the wrong thing and saying the wrong thing.
And I figured out that I will always identify more with the margins than the center. That there is always a slice of subculture where I can find my people.
I made outsider-ness work for me. Which was awesome.
Until I realized that the whole thing was a sham.
There was this hilariously true article in The Onion called Everyone In Family Claims To Be The Black Sheep.
It got me thinking.
My father likes to call himself the white sheep in his family because the rest of them are all eccentric nutjobs. Which they are. But the truth is that he is also an eccentric nutjob.
In fact, more eccentric than the rest of them and at least as much nutjob.
My brother and I also have equal claim in our family to the dubious role of the odd man out. Or sheep. Whatever.
In fact, pretty much everyone I know self-defines as “other”, “different”, “weird” or “crazy”.
Even the people who seem to me to epitomize normal and well-adjusted are totally caught up in their own personal dramas about how they’ve always been different.
The penny finally dropped a while back and I realized that yeah, my outsiderness was just as boring and unimpressive as everyone else’s.
And now it’s showing up in my business.
So I thought I’d come to terms with the whole “we all think we’re different, yadda yadda yadda” understanding.
But the truth is that I hadn’t really internalized it. Or I don’t know if that’s right.
It’s more that I didn’t realize how much I need to do to help people feel welcome here.
That it’s not enough for me to have processed my understanding if everyone around me is functioning according to (and making choices based on) the myth of outsiderness.
Outsiders at the Kitchen Table.
So I started this program (due to huge response now closed to new membership until March, sorry sorry sorry) called At The Kitchen Table With Havi & Selma.
The idea was that I wanted a space to actively teach the techniques and concepts that I use with my private coaching clients, but you know, without people having to pay over $800 a month to do it.
And for that space to be a sanctuary for them to show up with their stucknesses and feel safe, supported and loved while working on their stuff.
And for it to be a sanctuary for me to hang out with some of my Right People and do the work I feel moved to do in this world.*
*Or rephrase that into whatever non-cheesy version works for you.
So the past few weeks have been amazing and intense. Watching people are making huge shifts and big life changes at the Kitchen Table. So … yay. Just yay.
But there’s also a huge problem. Well, a challenge.
Too many self-proclaimed outsiders spoil the pot.
Gah. That metaphor did not work at all!
Nothing is being spoiled. It’s just that I forgot about the outsider thing. And it’s bringing up all sorts of challenges.
People have been writing to me and Marissa saying that they feel like they don’t belong.
To the point that, oh, I think out of eighty people there are maybe five who haven’t written to us about how they are feeling uncomfortable because they know they don’t fit in.
And those five are probably saying it in one of the forum-ey places.
At this point, I could hand out fill-in-the-blank forms to people as they come in. Or give them boxes to check off.
I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I know I’m a complete outsider and I don’t belong here because ___________.
Because everyone else is kind and generous and I’m not.
Because everyone else is actually talented and I’m not.
Because they have businesses and I don’t.
Because the girls are all girly and I’m not.
Because they’re all big hippies and I’m not.
Because they all know each other and I don’t know anyone.
Because I’m shy and reclusive and they’re not.
Because I suck and they don’t.
Basically it got to the point where everyone was secretly suspecting everyone else of being a suspiciously sincere, kind, compassionate tree-hugger.
And I was too busy feeling like an outsider to notice.
There were people wanting to leave because they felt like they didn’t belong. A couple people left.
And I let them. You know how it is. I mean, I don’t care about the money. I want people to be there because they want to be there.
My mistake was that I didn’t realize that this was a pattern being played out.
Just figured, “Okay, if it’s not your place, it’s not your place — if you’re not in love with it, it’s probably not for you. Good luck finding your place.”
I didn’t have any desire to talk anyone into staying.
But I’m now realizing I could have done a lot more to sit with people in their lonely other-ness and help them figure out what was going on.
Because every single person there has considered leaving for the exact same reason. And by making the choice to stay, they resolve that particular piece of stuck.
Or at least they give it some attention so it can start shifting.
People have been making unlikely connections. Useful allies. Finding supporters and cheerleaders and friends. They’re noticing stuff about their patterns that you usually need a decade of therapy for.
They’re having breakthroughs and epiphanies. It’s beautiful.
And I’m still in my outsider story.
When I’m in Mark’s forum I think about how I’m the least warm, fuzzy, earth mother person by a LOT. It also seems (to me) like I’m the only one there who really wants to biggify something.
And then I feel completely embarrassed by how much I want to get down to business when everyone else seems to want to group hug all day.
Then when I’m in Michael’s forum I’m the biggest hippie by a LOT. Everyone talks about “target markets” and “metrics” and “strategic ventures” and no one seems to care about the mental and emotional components to business stucknesses. Poor lonely me. Again.
Exactly.
The narrative: not going anywhere. But the plot? Anywhere I want it to.
Last night at Roller Derby I felt like an outsider. This morning at the co-op I felt like an outsider. It’s not like it’s going to stop.
But at least I can remind myself that this is part of my “black sheep” story. It’s a narrative about what it means to be me.
My story. But also universal. To the point of absurdity.
So while I’m feeling kind of sad to realize that I’m not quite as unique and special as I’d thought, I’m also kind of relieved to realize that you’re all in it with me.
That we all have interesting stories but that we also all have, to some extent, the same story.
All outsiders. Together
I don’t know where I’m going with this either. Will do some more thinking on it. And noticing. And reminding. And talking things out with the wonderful people who are Kitchening it up with me at the Table.
Because, as far as I can tell, they’re going through the same thing I am.
And chances are, so are you.
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!!! I know how you feel! I was ostracised and bullied in my school years by everyone (especially teachers) for being a racial minority. Even up till now I always have the sense of “not quite belonging”, no matter my social situation. That’s not to say I don’t have friends or whatever, but I always feel like the Token Oddball – even in groups filled with Oddballs! (then I become the Closest to Normal).
Your section on your experiences in Mark’s and Michael’s forums echo so much of my life. I annoy artsy activists (and managed to cause a big scene in the LJ zine community!) because I suggested zines as a mode of fundraising and was open to talking about entrepreneurship and business (not all corporates are evil!); I annoy capitalist suits because I’m not interested in KPIs or forecasting and want to talk about how we can connect to people and use business to make positive differences (not all activists are flaky!). Similarly, I annoy new agers/witches/etc because I still maintain a degree of skepticism (paleo diets? Telekineses? Channelling from different universes? Um…) but I annoy all the scientist atheist folk because I believe in fairies and work with magic (We are all connected! Also astrology is intriguing!). Sigh.
Recently I found that I worked really well as a bridge; my constant “outsider” status really meant that I was able to connect two seemingly clashing or disparate groups together. Indeed, I *enjoy* this. I like to find how different aspects and values can integrate into a greater whole. I also have a tendency to make other people famous through referrals or recommendations (for example, I suggest a conference to my friends. My friends get in but I don’t. Bah.). I called myself a “Charmed Bridge”, and now I’m trying to work out how to transform that into something that can support me financially, mentally, and spiritually. Any ideas?
Tiaras last blog post..Idea: Youth Support Visas
Holy…
Yeah, I’ve been driven out of groups since I was little. Later I used to drive myself out of groups (does it make sense?) by either doing to little to fit in or doing waaaay too much, or well, getting scared and withdrawing on my own.
So I settled down with the outsider thing, it made me sad, yes, but it was also a cozy, nice place – “Yeah, I’ll never fit in, nobody’s ever going to want me around, so not your fault, no use trying…” Better than get hurt, isn’t it? Besides, it has that nice “I am SPECIAL” vibe, and everyone kinda wants to be special, don’t they?
Just that this outsider place may be secure, but it’s not nice at all. So I work on leaving. There is some progress, even if it’s slow. Other people STILL are scary. I mean, I can easily interact with them and such, but if they come to close, I still tend to withdraw completely.
You know, I’ve never really thought about this before – was always way to busy hurting – but it’s one of the major patterns in my life. Propably in everyones life.
I shall nickname this stupid thing as the “I shall not belong” pattern, because that’s what it is, isn’t it? We keep ourselves from feeling connection to others, because that’s scary and requires us to drop our defenses and lets us feel much, much, much less safe – Because if we feel that we belong, other people can take away that wonderful feeling with as much as a single word. Or a gesture.
And who wants to get hurt?
Carinas last blog post..On Passion and Art: I’m just scared.
I really resonate with this. Throughout my childhood I was rejected and bullied constantly. When I grew up, I felt pained because I wasn’t being bullied. I kind of wanted to be rejected, because it seemed normal to me.
I meditated on this over the weekend, and I heard this little voice of pain say: “I want to go home, back to the place where it hurts, because that’s more real!”
I was getting upset by all the acceptance, and it was making me feel nervous!
I think the Kitchen has been one of those places where I feel completely able to voice and express the full spectrum of me. I find that I get on with Girl Pie and Deb when they do their “hard” thing, and I get on with you working in the soft. Without my story that I’m an outsider and nobody will accept me, I’ve found the space to open my heart not just to others, but to me.
Actually, I feel kind of like the only one who’s going “Hey, I feel so comfy here!” and not having major issues with it!
Joely Blacks last blog post..A post about the benefits of giving myself the permission to f*ck up
Havi, I’m so glad you addressed this! It wasn’t until I read some of those “I don’t belong” posts that I realized that was my own hesitance! I thought I was just “avoiding doing it” when really I was feeling “what if I’m too business-y? What if I’m not soft and huggy enough?”
But once I started reading those forum posts, I understood that everyone is feeling this.
It seems to me (for me) to be more than “outsiderness”; it’s a real fear of vulnerability. Wanting to protect ourselves from sharing, we come up with reasons why this thing doesn’t fit it and we should talk about it and we’re so weird for even feeling this way….does that make sense?
Havi, I think you’re totally right (although, you know, I must be one of the five people at the Kitchen Table that feels like they fit in — I don’t feel like everyone’s just like me, but I DO feel like I’m in the right place!).
The Outsider Syndrome. I remember complaining to someone about how, as an arts marketer I felt like the artists were suspicious of me, and the business people didn’t take me seriously. This felt especially true when I worked for in fundraising for a museum that is part of a university. I felt too corporate for the curators, and too artsy for alumni relations — I always felt like the weirdo. But my friend, like Tiara, turned it around and said, well, you can straddle both worlds — think of it as a strength.
I must confess that’s still a stretch for me, even though I see the truth in it. But it’s great to see you address it here — it helps remind me that the Outsider status is all in my head.
Maryann Devines last blog post..Is Your Arts Org Boring?
Wow: my whole identity is based around the fact that I don’t fit it.
OMG, um, yes, that would describe my life until last year far too accurately. Even after finding this wonderful space, with all these wonderful people, and realising that I wasn’t alone in my wacky, it can still be work to balance the “I’m uniquely wacky” with “I’m not a complete outcast”.
A bit of recognising what might make others feel the odd one out, and a bit of recognising what we have in common, would seem to help out.
James | Dancing Geeks last blog post..Scheduling crisis: Finding a balance
Geez, that’s tagging one of the funnier elephants in the room! How many conversations between friends/coaches go something like, “I’m so out there because I (fill in the blank with outsider conviction du jour)” with the dejection that this is the reason life will never be as expected. And the other person responding, “No way, but look how you x,y,z!” “Oh, you just don’t understand.”
A call for attention to feel special–even if it is for something not-so-glamorous (because I probably don’t deserve better anyways). Hello lack of confidence!
Thanks for dragging that little dervish (who has definitely played its role in my life) into the spotlight.
Shawn Tuttles last blog post..Birth, death, rebirth
What an insight!
Many of us fall into the “I don’t fit in” thought patterns because they’re just so darn comfortable and it allows us to avoid sharing parts of ourselves with others that might be judged and criticized. We don’t admit to ourselves that we might also be accepted and understood too. It’s risky to join in. It’s scary to be yourself in a crowd.
Come to think of it, how many “insiders” do we really know? Or do we just perceive them to be that way so we don’t have to connect?
Another great post, Havi.
Sue
Sues last blog post..Inauguration Media Overload – Ain’t It Great?
Absolutely right. And the fact that folks talk about it in the forum-ey places means that some of us are realizing it, too and quite enjoying the company of other weirdos. You have created a pretty safe space there…
JoVEs last blog post..managing money for people that hate budgets
OMG, I think I’m one of the five who doesn’t feel like an outsider. I guess that makes me an outsider! I’m an outsider because I’m the only one who doesn’t feel like an outsider! Aaah!
Paces last blog post..Book Bonanza Wednesday! Chapter 2: Different communication styles
I can definitely related to this and what everyone has said in the comments! I moved around a lot as a kid and never had quite a chance to “fit in” … so I always assumed I didn’t.
My entire 20s seemed to be devoted to figuring out where my “group” was and painfully trying to become whatever it was I felt that group wanted. In my 30s, I’m realizing that it’s not about finding a group and the more I give myself permission to just resonate with myself (hard!), the more I fit in to several groups and bridge them.
And, the more diverse people I meet, the more I learn that we are ALL different and ALL the same. Like equal parts difference and sameness.
Havi, you said: Because every single person there has considered leaving for the exact same reason. And by making the choice to stay, they resolve that particular piece of stuck.
This is SO TRUE for me!
I had a couple *very brief, fleeting moments* where I felt this way at The Table, that reminded me of other times in my life where I felt like the newbie and decided to hide and/or walk away.
But this blog and your work has taught me a lot about recognizing my stuckness and looking it right in the eye (softly, of course). And so I was able to immediately recognize it as MY stuckness and kindly let it just be there. And, then I let it dissolve.
But mostly I’m with Joely and am loving it.
I’m not jumping in a whole lot yet, mostly because I’m so overwhelmed with my own flood of new creative ideas that I don’t know where to start in my own head. But that’s my stuckness. And, I’m so blessed to have found a place in this blog and the Kitchen Table where I feel like I can work on my stuff privately and still will be accepted when I’m ready to make it public.
Seems the only people judging us is ourselves.
Danielles last blog post..The Making of Oliva’s Blanket
@Danielle I can so relate to that. I resonated with what Joelly said, too but have been busy writing an e-book, and sorting out content for my soon to be website, and even documenting some of my processes…. So much to do, so little time to hang out with the clan of outsiders 🙂
JoVEs last blog post..managing money for people that hate budgets
Hmm, I’m guessing this clan includes most of humankind. I can date my first feelings of outsiderness back to preschool – the very first time I had to interact with large groups of my peers. I take it as a sign of my increased acceptance of myself that I do feel like I belong in a couple areas of my life now. I’m only willing to admit to a couple though, don’t want to jeopardize my status 😛
Re Sue’s comment – I think it would an interesting challenge to see how many people we could find who actually feel like they belong in most areas of their lives. In addition to its purpose as a way to avoid hurt, my guess is the Outsider Syndrome is also a way to meet our human need to categorize the world around us and make it less overwhelming. It’s easy to look at an acquaintance and think “well she’s an organic farmer so she fits into my preconceived hippie box” or “he works on Wall Street so he fits into my corporate sell-out box.” We make sense of the world and learn language as children by developing categories and mentally organizing the world around them, but it limits our ability to connect with one another. We accept complexities within ourselves but we put other people into square little boxes and then discover we don’t belong in any box, forgetting that we’re the one who created the boxes in the first place.
Thank you.
(That’s it. That’s all I got to say this time.)
Amy H.s last blog post..Quick note about shipping
OMG, Laurel said it better than I could.
Today I verbally jumped all over a friend for compartmentalizing a man she didn’t even know based on one thing – his earnings. Not only did it not occur to me that she did not do this to personally offend me (it’s not about me, really it’s not!), but that she probably did it in order to wall herself off (hello wall) from having to take a risk so soon after being hurt.
She’s not a snob. She’s just not ready to attempt to connect yet. I shouldn’t be so personally offended because it’s not about my stuff. For once 🙂
Thanks for the free session, Havi and Laurel. I owe you.
Sue
Sues last blog post..I’m LifeCoaching Oprah After Yesterday’s Post
You know you find help in the most unexpected places.
My little girl has just be diagnosed with some challenges that point to a life of different or other. Nothing that she can’t mature into/out of to become the most interesting person to walk the planet, but none the less, Mommas don’t want their babies to be a-typical.
And while I value my otherness or my sameness as it’s posed, seeing everyone adjusting to Havi’s observation will help me help my darling odd duckling find a place to thrive.
There’s genuine value in that, so Thank You all very much.
Juliannas last blog post..Foodpiphanies
Heh, reminds me of my favorite quote: “Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.”
Naomi Niless last blog post..Koldo Barroso’s New Site
I think, for me at least, there’s a big span between being “different” and being an outsider. I like my differences, they’re what make me me.
Part of becoming an adult was realizing that many of my experiences weren’t unique to me. When I feel lonely, neglected, unappreciated, well so do other people. (Many of those people feel that way because of the way I treat them when I focus attention inward, blind to their pain. Some of them, though, would feel that way no matter what I do. Life isn’t always fair or nice, but it does go on.) When I can look at other people and realize that they’re feeling that way too, we have something in common, we belong in part to the same group.
As an example, we were at a friend’s birthday party and my wife was sitting around with the women while I went back and forth between groups. She asked on the way home if I’d enjoyed myself and I replied that I had. The truth is that some of the time folks had shared history and I would have been intruding, other times they were happy to have a new voice in the conversation. They weren’t there to entertain me or make me happy, so I took the responsibility to find another limb to perch on when the current one seemed shaky. There were enough people around that the only reason for me to run out of conversation was through my own choice. At any given time, I might have been an “outsider” to a particular group while minutes later I might have been welcomed. Since they knew each other for years, I had to find common points of connection and fit in. Since they were human beings of a certain age, we had many, many things in common to share with each other and compare notes on. Even a few dirty jokes…
As a side note, I always felt comfortable being a little outside, a little off balance. When you’re stable, any change feels threatening. When you’re a little unstable and realize it, any change simply means that you have to compensate a different way. Change can be invigorating, a chance to reinvent, an opportunity to realign and set new bearings.
This is by far my most favorite of your blog posts, Havi!
‘We are all outsiders. Together.’
Yep. Thanks for the reminder. I was, truly, just needing it.
I was getting the flux of *I’m so not worthy* at the Table. Looking at Joely’s (and other people’s) writings, then I look at Sarah L’s paintings on her site, all the people that already have a business path, then I think about how far Havi has come and what she has accomplished through the years.
Boy, did I feel like a useless, un-talented shmuck. Everybody has so much to offer and here I am… the stupid, un-helpful, un-arting art major, the taking up space dweezel in the corner.
I decided that the purpose of the Kitchen was for cooking up new ways and thoughts and this must be something I really need to work on.
Then… writing on the Table about how I felt, and everyone started opening up and saying…”Hey, that’s how I feel too!” I finally realized, I’m not the only living thing that feels this. Wow!
I’m 36 and a long way off from the ole school days, but it so amazing how things follow you. The perceptions of what you should be and what you shouldn’t be. Those actually toxic things you learn, imitate, and end up living day to day. ICK.
This last week, I finally just said to myself that I need to be me. Some will think I’m a flake and some will be my right people and say “hey, that’s interesting or she’s interesting” or whatever.
I was causing myself to be the outsider for a long time. Believing that what I held dear to me and what I believed in was wrong, or not normal, or would offend someone, or make them think I was a few cans short of a 6 pack.
If I did let out bits and pieces I would make jokes about it to people to test the waters of what they thought. I finally decided that wasn’t fair to me….why did I need to be someone else to fit in someplace?
@Havi….
You and the Kitchen…and many of the Chefs in the kitchen have really helped me, and I can’t wait to see how far I have yet to go. I am proud to have met such wonderful people on my journey.
Amy (Aimers) Mommaertss last blog post..Learning to meander.
I used to I feel like a chameleon, shifting my colors to try to blend in with a particular environment. I suspect many do, bringing forth the aspects that seem to be like those around us. Periodically not being able to take it anymore and claiming our place of difference.
Now I seek difference, really enjoying the broadening of my mind. Doesn’t mean others share that, or welcome my differences, so it feels risky at times. And I do my share of nursing the wounds gathered— but still the benefits outweigh the challenges on most days.
I’m with Pace in the five. Clearly belong, any feelings of other are just remnants of past and pass quickly. [But if you think I’m deluding myself, do let me know {as the doubt creeps in as the possibly of once again being in the comfortable outside emerges}]
Christine Martells last blog post..More about seeing color differently
Great thoughts on this, Havi, it is a topic with a lot of depth! I continue to be amazed by how deeply we internalize messages we hear as children. I know I’ve had to work hard to move past the feeling over never fitting in I had in my family and throughout my school years. This summer I even put together an article for my Zen community’s newsletter about my path to understanding that I do belong, even when I don’t always deeply feel that sense of belonging!
Sherris last blog post..The Brightness of Day
Holey moly, Havi. How did you know??? I was one of the five who *didn’t* write to you but you got my number. I had no idea we were all so much alike. I must’ve glanced over the posts about others being uncomfortable… I didn’t even SEE them. Talk about conveeeeeeenient! Lots to ponder–in the Kitchen and in the front yard! I needed to read this post. Thank you.
Wonderful post, and wonderful reminder of our inherent connectedness to others – in a way that also validates the painful experiences that led to all of our particular flavors (real or perceived) of outsiderness. For a long time, I was too caught up in feeling like a victim to let go of the security of outsider-think. I’m still working on it, but I’m more aware that hey, lots of people have moved around a lot, and everyone has their own stuff to contend with. May we all begin/continue to peek out of our shells enough to see and benefit from that.
Sociomaitris last blog post..Reminder to Self: I Can’t Do It All
Hi Darling,
Now just for the record I want to say that I am one of the 5 people in the Kitchen who was NOT complaining about feeling left out. That might have something to do with the fact that I was not able to get INTO the Kitchen for a couple of weeks due to the fact that I am slightly “computer challenged”, so I didn’t know if I felt like I belonged or not (-:
But, seriously, this is a wonderful post and a very powerful insight. I so enjoy your profound willingness to be a deep diver in all the realms of the psyche, taking us along for the ride as you explore both shadow and light.
I think that feeling of being the outsider or excluded in some way is responsible for most of the pain that we carry around with us. I have also been pegged the weirdo, California hippie, we -don’t-understand-what-the-hell-she-is-up-to, health food potion taking witch in my family. And even though I always felt different and sometimes misunderstood, I never really felt outside. Because for all of the puzzlement my family experiences about me and my choices I have never been excluded from the circle of their love. I mean my brothers are REPUBLICANS for crying out loud . They proudly voted for BUSH!!! And I still love them. Madly.
And I feel the same way about the Kitchen. Sure there are ways I could pull out the “exclusion” card. I’m old. I STILL don’t know how to get into the goddamned chat room. On and on. But….. the circle is wide and the experience of love in the Kitchen is palpable and deep. And that is why I am there. For the love. Which is always there. And really, come to think of it, is everywhere.
Hugs and sparkles,
Chris
PS My brothers voted for Obama this time. Yay! Now I can love them even more!!!
chris zydels last blog post..The ART OF INNER CLUTTER CLEARING: MAKING ROOM FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE
perfectly on-target … course the beauty-part is that it’s a moving target … damn, all this delicious discomfort to [ack! ack!] dive-in? sit with? listen? watch? call out for chocolate?
thank you for making room for THIS SPACE … 🙂
Well, can I just say that I feel like an outsider as I’m not in the Kitchen? (((giggle))) Just kidding.
Seriously.
Self. Other. Self with other. Ack!
Group dynamics are so tricky. The thrusting together of different personalities, backgrounds, needs, gifts. The illusion of each being unique. The illusion of each being the same. The desire to strip naked of barriers and masks… but hoping someone else will do it first… but not hog all the acceptance…
Jeesh, that’s a lot of humanoid variables. And it seems like you’re honoring them all, Havi.
Inside. Outside. Kitchen. Blog. You’re amazing, m’Lady.
Exoticus!
Erika
Erika Harriss last blog post..I am wild bamboo.
Hi Havi,
I love this post. I have had this feeling of being an outsider for a long time, and struggled with it over the course of my life.
I have found that instead of trying to remove this feeling, that I would do better by embracing it. My recent blog post tells how being an outsider has helped me through life, as a writer.
Thanks so much for bringing this topic out into the open.
~Kimberlee
You may not be the outsider you always thought you were but you are special and different and that is why we follow you and what you have to say.
I too have always felt like an outsider. I now know that what makes me an outsider is what makes me special and different. I don’t want to be like everyone else but I do want close, intimate relationships. If we want to be included, it is up to us to include ourselves. I denied the fact that I did want to be included. I did this for most of my life and did it from the viewpoint of a victim. I now choose to include myself and in doing so, I can open up and show my uniqueness.
Love you and am so glad to be getting to know who you are.
Vicki
Okay. I found where I should have left my comment regarding this article. I wrote it in “Friday Check-in #25.” I wrote a comment regarding outsiders outside of where it should have been. Sorry. I will navigate more efficiently next time! Melinda
This post resonated with me as a universal truth. Thanks for writing it 🙂
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Hi Havi
Nice meditation on the idea of otherness and shyness. I can see everyone (me too, of course) thinks they are the center of the universe! and we judge ourselves as failures, or not quite good enough. I appreciated, while reading, the exploration you are sharing with us. And everyone else’s comments reflects the sameness of our feelings of outsiderness. Kinda sad, in a way, the lengths we go to to keep ourselves from ourselves and each other.
Thank you so much Havi,
for this post – and all your other posts that have made me feel like “it’s not all in my head after all” and given me strength to fight my fears and stucknesses but that I’ve been too afraid to comment on because I felt like too much of an outsider here!
I recognize the feeling and “narrative” you described, as well as the insighting about most other people around you (and me, and everybody feeling this way) having the same kind of self-image of outsiderness. Like you, I myself have noticed it, but haven’t been able to actually put the knowledge into practice, so to say. I still think, deep down, that if I leave a meeting or a party or a thing, nobody will notice and nothing essential to the thing will be lost, since my contribution as an outsider cannot possibly be worth anything that much.
Your thought of “us all being in it together” really made me feel good about this outsiderness-thing I’ve been pondering and opened my mind to a wonderful thought: it’s a opportunity to realize the need for mutual support and to express it without the fear of being laughed at or scorned.
Maybe I will start commenting more often 🙂
One of my favorite quotes/expressions is that old adage “don’t compare your insides with others’ outsides.” Which to me has always spoken to the idea of seeing successful, together people and assuming that they don’t have the same struggles and anxieties that I do.
But I think on another level it speaks to outsider-ness. Like, if I go to a yoga class, I look at everyone’s outsides and I simply see *yoga-people* in a *yoga class*. And then I feel like an outsider since I know in my *insides* I’m also the kind of person who likes to watch bad tv, and drink too many margaritas at the Cantina.
But the thing is of course I’m seeing yoga people, since *I’m in a yoga class*. I mean, some of them may have their insides ripped perfectly out of the pages in Yoga Journal, but most of them are probably more multi-faceted than that. So in a way, my outsider-ness is caused by me making assumptions and not really seeing other people.
When I was younger I kind of liked always feeling like an outsider (even when I was acting all tortured about it). I think it made me feel special, as you mentioned. Like “Of course I’m unique–look, NOBODY GETS MEEE!!”. That was a very comforting thought when I was dealing with emotions and fears and anxieties that I didn’t know how to process.
Eileens last blog post..In the first person
Oh! I wish I was at the kitchen table! Because I can see there is something very special happening here.
My main job is facilitating groups. Groups that last an hour, or three days, or three months…
Stages that absolutely EVERY group goes through: forming, storming, norming, performing.
And so the kitchen table is storming right now. Perfectly normal, and to be expected. It’s soooo great that this kitchen table has a facilitator who is brave and eloquent in her ability to address some of the issues. And it’s really wonderful to see all these comments from people who are willing to bend and see other people’s points of view.
This is exciting. The people who are sitting at the kitchen table should be on the edge of their seats in anticipation for what happens when the group is in the “performing” stage. Congratulations to all of you.
Lola Dragons last blog post..I think I’ll do nothing today
Wow, I’m soooooooooooooooo glad Kimberlee Ferrell sent me over here via her latest blog post: Writing as an Outsider.
I love posts where the author shares their heart like this. You’re right. We all have our stories. We’ve all felt alienated, alone, different, unique… And, it’s the bestest thing ever to be able to share our journeys with folks who ultimately feel the same way.
Thanks for such a beautiful post!
*smiles*
Michele
P.S. I had to stop reading mid-way and take time to subscribe – you rock! 🙂
Micheles last blog post..Don’t Let Your Past Keep You from Your Future
Try being the only one who knew how to read already in kindergarden, even though you were four and everyone else was five.
Try being “the smart one” in a group of theatre and music geeks.
Try being in a music theatre program in college and knowing you’re not one of the “talented” ones who is going to get the juicy parts in the shows.
Try being the only female in an engineering class time after time in college after you leave the music program you don’t feel you belong in.
Try being rejected in a body writing group because everyone else was dealing with body image issues and you were having way too much fun smearing paint all over yourself and printing your body on canvas.
Try being ostracized from most of your friends after having an affair.
Try being in a group therapy program you’ve been assigned to after a psychotic episode caused by loss of said friends and being told you don’t belong there because you are “too normal”!
Yeah, been there. Hey, and I’m not even in your group at all, just happened to pop in from Leah’s place… ;^)
It’s really kinda spooky how you always seem to be talking about whatever I’m currently dealing with. I was sitting at the milonga at the weekend feeling sorry for myself when I realised I really, really could do with getting over the whole ‘I’m an outsider’ thing. Time to shed that one.
Kates last blog post..The Dance
Oh, Havi,
I have tears and laughing out loud in the same post (!)
Hugs,
Paulita
Great post! I relate to being an outsider quite a bit. My parent moved a lot when I was a kid, and we ended up moving to the UK from Malaysia just before my teens, so I don’t really count as either British or Malaysian.
Yeah I had the same old angst that comes with being an outsider, bullied because I was the only Chinese kid at school and so on. These days I get people talking slowly and loudly at me in the North of England even though I always answer them in perfect English!
My problem (if you want to call it that) was that I’d made being an outsider part of who I thought I was.
We’re all individuals and by definition we’re all different, but that in a Zen koan sort of way also makes us all the same. Whilst attacking diversity seems to be in the collective mindset right now, I think sooner or later we’ll get into the habit of celebrating diversity instead.
@Havi, I really like the blog, it’s refreshingly different, and there’s a lot of who you are in it. It’s nice to see another blogger with a duckie (Mine’s called Apex)
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Oh no! Everyone else is an outsider, just like me! Ack!
Funny how part of me always yearned (since age about 5 or so) to come home and belong, and became desperately self-sacrificing loyal to anyone who seemed likely to accept me…
(yes, so loyal that it was like a luminous neon sign on my head saying *beware of the weirdo*)
…and the other part has always been tremendously proud of being different.
You’re making me ask unexpected questions, like ‘what would I be like if I weren’t either of the above?’
Goodness knows. Weird, probably.
(Thanks, Havi!)
Hilarys last blog post..How you can win a free ticket…
I really like this post. (I found you through Jen’s retreat… thanks for your part there.)
Thoughts:
I think age heals *some* of this need to label ourselves as outsiders. It’s not my default anymore. Or maybe it’s still such a default that I have learned to reach around it (“reach around” heh.) in order to claim my space at the table. I’m 45. It’s easier now.
My biggest lesson in all of this was when I worked in publishing. I used to idolize writers and thought books were sacred. When I was able to see the process, people, and business up close, I realized that crazy folks with nothing to say were getting million dollar deals… WTF?
It just leveled the playing field for me for ever more. I pretty much think any kind, intelligent soul has something important to say to me. And if I’m thoughtful and kind, then I have something to share with others. Published or not. In writing or in the garden. Whatever.
I also have come to understand that people who *treat* me as an outsider for any reason have their own peculiar reasons for doing so that have very little to do with me.
Carry on. It was cool to learn that you live in Portland. I imagine this is a very good place for you to be anchored and appreciated while you reach across the world with your wise duck.
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This is a fantastic post! BTW we didn’t have a TV at our house until I was in the fourth grade (on purpose; my dad rented one so we could see the moon landings). When the kids at school heard this it was like I was some kind of freaky nut – It also didn’t help that I ate cream cheese and black olive sandwiches for lunch. (it’s always about the cheese!)
carma
Going to chime in here and say thanks. It’s good to hear stuff like this every now and then. It reminds me I’m not as screwed up as I think I am.
James Chartrand – Men with Penss last blog post..Teaching People What They Never Learned in University
I’m not an outsider? Crap. (Oh and seriously? Thanks for this. It’s eye-opening.)
Sherris last blog post..Photo Friday: Peaceful Garden
OUTSIDER is a gift not a joke.im a outsider since i can remember and proud of it to.im sick of hearing someone say u are not when they dont have a clue who u are or background.My blood family was bad they never understood me my mom was always in the streets looking for my stepdad never know my real dad.i was just in the way thats all i was.at 12 i ran away living in the streets came back and left again never went to high school 8th grade was it for me got pick on and push around so much and pick in special ed cause i was so quite but pass with a’s lol.my relatesonships are bad cause i never learn the meaning of love so i dont how to give it or recive it cause alot of fights.my kids are the closes family,friends,that i have.dont get me wrong i love being alone waking up everyday with no stress of ppl nosense the tears heartaces.im making my outsiders family,and friends and we will not be pick on push around and walk all over no more.if u find yourself looking out the window looking at the world different wishing u could join the real world and having been out the house for about 3weeks then u are a outsider.and i welcome u with arms open wide much love.