Reflecting on both the hard and the good in the week that was…
This is week 435 of this ritual, and so we chicken.
What’s been working? What do I want to play with….
Beginning and ending the day with things that calm me.
Breathing for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
Good god what a week. Had high hopes for this being the week that I stop crying all the time, but actually spent the first half of it crying more than ever. Let’s just make a short list of some of the things I was crying over….
- Crying my eyes out over the horrific treatment of native people and native land — the agonizing images of water activists being attacked (by descendants of colonizers no less) with tear gas and water cannons in below freezing temperatures, heartbreaking. These are peaceful protestors who want clean water. Cate, friend of my friend H, is there right now. Her report of the excessive force used on peaceful protesters, including elders and women, is horrifying. Look at this photo please. Understand what this is. Here’s who you can call to ask that the militarized police targeting protestors stand down. Morton County Sherrif Dept: 701-328-8118. North Dakota governor Jack Dalrymple: 701-328-2200. North Dakota National Guard: 701-333-2000. You can send supplies to Sacred Stone Camp. Breathing justice and well-being. I am not usually much for prayer, or at least not by that name, but I am praying for the water protectors.
- Crying over the swastikas and accompanying pro-Trump graffiti sprayed all over Adam Yauch park in Brooklyn, — first of all, really? Who dares to desecrate the beastie boys. Second, what the actual fuck. Crying because the thing I never thought would happen is happening. Breathing presence, intensity, wild witchy fury.
- Crying because this ugliness has now made its way to Portland, to my neighborhood, where a friend of a friend was followed home, and a swastika was painted on her garage. How is this happening. How is this happening so quickly. Breathing for a plan.
- Crying because Trump is not even in office yet and we already have CNN entertaining the actual question “are jews people”, so great that they can discuss neo-nazi concerns but not name neo-nazis as such. A breath for saying what things are. Do not even start with this “alt-right” bullshit. Name what they are. Breathing fire dragon breath of Clarity and Purpose.
- Crying because of the disconnect, I have no context for how to react to any of this, my muslim and jewish friends here in the states are all waking in the middle of the night from terrifying dreams, our passports under our pillows like hmmmmm how soon should we be packing, while the rest of my friends are more like, man, this situation sucks. Two extremes. One seems like it might be too much, the other is definitely not enough. But there is no way to tell. I kind of just want someone to tell me exactly how much I should be freaking out, because I suspect my panicking is fueled by inherited cultural programming, but at the same time I am 99% sure that the calmer people in my life are not freaking out nearly enough. Breathing for perspective.
- Crying because there so much that needs to be done. Breathing presence and present-time.
- Crying over mundane bullshit in the business and our old server that needs upgrading and the site going down and how is there always so much work to do, and normally this stuff wouldn’t have me in tears but I’m kind of a wreck because of all the other stuff, so there it is. Breathing comfort.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical!
- Things that help: TRE, old turkish lady yoga, balancing, rest, walking, hugs, tea, writing, friends. I have all of those. I am healthy. Breathing immense thankfulness.
- The disastrous political situation is forcing me to get powerfully focused, to prioritize both what takes care of me and what I am passionate about. This is important. Breathing power.
- Walks in the desert with the cowboy, breathtaking sunsets, delicious food. Breathing joy.
- At some point I stopped crying and started doing all the things. Glad about that.
- Writing all day every day. Breathing thankfulness for an outlet.
- Mice are gone! Breathing appreciation.
- I know what I want. I am very clear about this. A breath for the many things that are possible.
- Usually I hate thanksgiving but this one was quiet and peaceful, out in the beautiful volcanic tablelands, cozy and happy. Breathing thankfulness.
- The thing that always scares me the most is not scaring me right now. A breath for this.
- Laughing again. A breath for silliness and joy.
- Finished two projects that seemed like they would never be done! Breathing gladness.
- Excited about possibility. A breath for this.
- I like motorhome life. The cozy mornings with the wind howling outside, the beautiful surroundings, the simplicity. I am okay with wearing the same thing each day and not showering that much. I like the peacefulness, the seclusion and the way it makes me sit down and write. Breathing love.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of love, sweetness, airplane mode, breakfast, big ideas, companionship. A breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers.
I had the superpowers of remembering my superpowers and seeing connections.
I want the superpower of calm clear easy positive focus.
May it be so.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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All the breaths needed for all the frightening things in this world.
* <3 * <3 * <3 *
The hardest thing for me this week has been saying goodbye to so many wonderful clients and colleagues. Yes, yes, I will seek new opportunities when we move and I'm sure I will find some, and at the same time, my heart aches at this layered loss.
There have been many good things happening: ongoing outpourings of appreciation, good food, time with people I love — and, just today, the good fortune of figuring out ways to care for our pets during the stress and upheaval of moving. It's still a work in progress, but at least there *is* progress.
I now invoke the superpower of Deeper Wells. *lights candle*
Hard things: maintaining equilibrium enough to function is challenging. Holding fast to here and now and refusing to be swept into the vortex, to add to its mass, its energy, its influence is challenging. Shifting focus so that the past and the future and the present are clear and not distorted by the fish eye lens of my mind and emotions is challenging. Grief and the loss of the world I thought I lived in, in exchange for this one even more ugly, violent and unjust is really fucking challenging. Accepting the truth of what is, as ugly as it is, is the bedrock of my ability to act because when I stop fighting reality (‘this CAN’T be happening!!!!!’) then I am able to relax into my small place as one warrior for justice, wisdom, the potential of humanity in a loooooooong history of human cruelty and injustice and the laziest version of what we can be. Failures of imagination are hard to deal with and hard to avoid. So I am committing myself to imagining and creating a world outside the vortex, to creating a refuge for people to see and believe in and escape to and recreate, to building myself and the people around me into a small, tight, resource-resilient community of justice loving, undaunted warriors for the potential of humanity to be realised. And that is hard. And that is good. And that is where I’ve been at lately.
<3 Thank you for this, Claire.
<3 <3 <3 <3
<3 for warrior Claire!
It’s the first day of the year for me. Happy new year to me, and to those who are on the same calendar, and to those who aren’t but would like to go for a reboot regardless.
The hard:
– wanting more external affirmation for my writing than usual, and not really getting it
– the mystery of the purple candles continues mysterious. Lots of other people seem to want purple candles too, but I don’t think I want to set up a candle factory.
– small frustrations: misreading opening times, delayed pasta, blood sugar weirdness
The good:
– in Do-Overs Forever news, sharing my feelings about this with my house group resulted in an offer to put me in touch with someone who makes different-coloured candles. This was far, far better than the best response I could have hoped for.
– making beautiful things/making things beautiful. The William Morris principle.
What worked:
– reading Madame C-
– looking for good things
Love to all the chickeneers.
Hello end of the week, hello chicken time,
This was hard and/or unpleasant:
– I was hoping for a certain reaction when it came to the plans for New Year and free days around but it didn’t come.
– Stupid comments by colleagues while they are eating the dreadful dead canteen food when I join them with my lunch box with healthy home-made yummy salad.
– Suddenly a mega hype about Black Friday also in my country. Plus the hype about Christmas shopping.
– Christmas is suddenly very predominant everywhere and I am so not in the mood for it.
– Eczema. I realized last time I mis-spelled it excema which…
The good:
-…is a clue. Ex is a clue.
– Made my own plans for New Year. Will get to spend lovely girls’ time, we will laugh and cry and shake and walk the dog and do yoga and come up with a goodbye old year / welcome new year ritual. And drink champagne.
– A beautiful yoga class: an intense, yet soft flow that was from A-Z just what I needed after my weekend, the perfect complementation.
– This place and the Mystic Mamma website. And also Ralph Smart’s website and his video on the election result.
– Walks, albeit short, by the lake during the lunch break.
– Jerusalem artichoke, parsnip and beetroot soup.
– Happy that there is an Italian village in my life. And all the good that comes with it: mindblowing and bodyblooming treatments, an uncanny familiarity with the surroundings (that make me almost believe there is a connection from a previous life), silence, peacefulness. And a cat that cuddles with a penguin.
– Made my aunt happy simply by preparing an avocado sandwich for her train trip back home.
– I ironed all my sheets and pillow cases, now they take up less space and look and feel lovely.
Chickeneers, may you come across a lot of beauty in the coming weekend, ’cause “a thing of beauty is a joy forever”.
Ex is a delicious clue! <3 <3 <3
The hard:
+ Spouse was set to visit his dad over Thanksgiving, which would’ve given me 4 lovely days to live on my own schedule, write, dream, etc. But after the election, Spouse decided not to go. So I had to cancel all my lovely plans, while putting up with him underfoot (yet no celebrating, because he doesn’t celebrate anything) for 4 full days.
+ Unable to go see Moana while he was gone, because he wasn’t gone.
+ Reading (recommended) accounts of Eastern Europeans living under totalitarianism – while esp timely just now – was so horrible, I had to stop.
+ Standing Rock.
+ Anything related to DT.
+ Realized someone I like on Twitter is probably not going to respond to thing I sent them (before the election), which means I probably should remove them from my holiday card list. 3 other people declined to give me their addresses – which is their right – but we can’t deepen a relationship in which I can’t write to them. So that’s 4 endings all at once.
+ My most consistent letter-writing friend has other priorities, since the election. I don’t know if I’ll hear from them before the end of this year.
The good:
+ Poetry is percolating underfoot.
+ I’m understanding myself better, with help from tree-friends.
+ I’ll go see Moana while Spouse is at work tomorrow.
+ He decided he wasn’t up to seeing Fantastic Beasts today after all. (I don’t want to see it, but was willing to go as part of spending time together.)
+ He’s still going on a business trip in early December, and that will be 5 days to live on my own schedule, write, dream, etc.
+ Q is still on track to happen next month, and I remain very pleased about it.
+ My life is a success on my own terms. I’m satisfied with it, which is what matters.
A breath for all the hard things. And the good.
The Hard:
A blue day. A blue few days when my friend was busy and out and I’m at home with FOMO and loneliness and wanting and nevering and blah.
I hate this being alone and I don’t know what to do about it. Not the lack of friends kind of alone, the lack of a boyfriend kind of alone. An entire great chunk of my being going unused and unappreciated.
Gilmore girls was unsatisfying and spent far too much time on weird musical numbers.
The good:
Lovely family time for thanksgiving. And the most perfect spacious clean warm private Airbnb that was over the top decorated for Christmas in a way that made me feel like I Was in a Christmas movie.
So much writing. And so much good feedback about the writing. Being on the right track is so nice.
My naan bread is getting better.
Using the heavy loneliness to write people who aren’t alone.
>>I suspect my panicking is fueled by inherited cultural programming, but at the same time I am 99% sure that the calmer people in my life are not freaking out nearly enough<<
Yes. This.
There is so much hard and so much good and it is all at once. I cannot list right now, but I am breathing with you all and dropping pebbles into the wells and watching the ripples.
Summoning the superpowers of Clarity, Presence, and What If It Is Actually Easy?
Mmmm me too. May it be so. These are good superpowers and so very needed.
I used to call December “Disease & Pestilence Month” because of sickness, obligation, and the harried schedule leading to bizzyness. This year is different.
I’m not eating rich holiday foods because I’m on a medically-supervised diet, so I haven’t yet gotten sick. I don’t have my tree up yet, but because I keep a string of colored lights over my bay window all through the year, I don’t have the sudden thirst for twinkling colored lights.
I also just came out of a situation in which I had to hang tough for what I believed. I love making art for people to enjoy, but then there’s the time to put on the legal cap, especially when distribution is involved. Sovereignty.
Havi, you’ve taught me that it’s okay to feel in control until I don’t and that losing it doesn’t mean I won’t get it back again. Ebb and flow. Maybe even twinkle.