It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Lighting sage.
Sometimes you just need to change the feeling (internal/external) quickly and bring in some steadiness.
This is one of those things I have on hand and forget that it helps, and then I remember. This week I remembered.
Permission.
I cried a lot. I hid a lot. This is okay.
Next time I might…
Give myself more time.
Not sure why I thought that the day after flying home from Michigan from my mother’s funeral was a good day to try to get work done.
I mean, how long have I been me that I do not know these basic things about me.
I forget that time is required. So, permission, sweetness, forgiveness, more time.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The funeral was rough, the burial even more so. A breath for breathing.
- Night terrors, not related to the above. I’ve had a few months without and then it was back. A breath for releasing.
- My body does not like travel or being squished on a plane or losing sleep and not getting yoga. It is not happy with me right now. A breath for love.
- Missing. A breath for comfort.
- Overwhelmed. A breath for sweetness.
- Going through four different rooms of my mother’s stuff filled me with an intense desire to not have any stuff. Everyone I know who has been through this process has said this, not sure if many people act on it. I mean, I remember my mother saying this exact thing after her mother died. But oh dear lord I want to let go of so many things.
- I can see so very clearly what is not working in my life, and all the ways that I relinquish my sovereignty, compromise my desires, neglect to state my preferences, avoid opportunities to treasure myself. A breath for trust and more trust and even more trust after that.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- My wonderful uncle Svevo came to visit me. He brought figs, this is a tradition. And I always keep black licorice in the house, just in case I get a surprise visit from him. He and Noah and I had a beautiful brunch together, and what had begun as the saddest day turned into a day with lots of smiles and so much joy. A breath for the treasure of people in my life who love and adore me unconditionally, and for having found them.
- Watching my Guns N Rollers skate with Cherry City. A breath for friends, for lovely distraction when that is the right thing, for warmth and joy.
- So much tenderness, so much wild ferocious intensity, so much aliveness, such a commitment to life. Sometimes also with tears. A breath of thank you for the sweet reminders of the truly vital things in life.
- The beautiful boy, who hates mornings and waking up more than anything, insisted on getting up at 5am after only three hours of sleep in order to drive me to the airport. A breath for so much sweetness.
- So many things worked out with my trip to Michigan for the funeral. So many small and large miracles. The superpower of Extreme Serenity. Lucking into the just-right seatmate. Getting an aisle to myself on an otherwise packed flight. Being able to stay with kind, warm people who gave me lots of space. Connecting with my father’s cousin. Getting to hear Eleanor’s heartbreakingly beautiful story about my mother’s secret goodbye. Sweetness. A breath for all the ways that I am held and cared for, even in the hardest times.
- Being picked up at the airport on my return to Portland, I don’t know that I’ve ever been happier to see someone, so happy to be back home. A breath for that.
- Lucidity. This week held so many tears but at some point I became the clearest bell. It was as if a fog cleared and I hadn’t even known it was there. I am so very clear right now about what I want and need, and what I am willing to do about this. And I am doing things I normally avoid, just getting them done, like a grownup. A breath for clear seeing.
- Thankfulness. Heart full of love. Wearing my mother’s necklace. Wise loving friends. So much sweetness in my life, so much kindness, so much permission. So many things are beautiful. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Operation Clear Bell is in effect, and I am trusting the fractal flowers. Also got a flu shot, set up an appointment I’ve been avoiding, and unpacked like a boss. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
This post called the treasure box of tiny stones. I needed this so much this week.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of Extreme Serenity, and (again) of turning inward for guidance and getting it.
Superpowers I want.
The superpower of Permission Slips Everywhere.
The Salve of Permission Slips everywhere.
This is not externally-granted permission. This is not something that is given to me.
This is something that is grounded in self, in knowing, in remembering.
When I was in Michigan I needed this salve so hard. It’s as if as soon as I’m there I just instantly relinquish my sovereignty in every situation, almost automatically. As if I suddenly forget that I am an adult, that I am allowed to make choices and decisions, express wishes, act on my own behalf, advocate for my needs.
This salve reminds me that I don’t need to ask for permission because it is already mine to begin with. It’s not external to me. It is available to me at all times.
When I rub this into my skin, I begin to remember all the things that are okay. It is okay for me to go to bed at a laughably early hour. It is okay to exit situations and conversations that do not feed me. It is okay to stop what I am doing without knowing what the reason is.
This salve undoes internal distortions and false constraints. It lets you breathe new air, see new openings. This is a deliciously subversive salve, and it smells like wonder. Use in good health.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is called So Many Sparks. They play sultry lounge music versions of punk rock songs, and it’s actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Follow
The hard:
– I am older and the journey is longer
– it was going to be a long journey anyway, but really, an hour and a half to cover a distance that usually takes ten minutes?
– where to find time to rest?
– the not drinking thing blew up for the first time
– horrible shouty van driver who actually (ouch!) had a point
– I am still not out
– perfectionism
– rejection email
The good:
– an excellent week with people who are great fun to be with
– and actually there was considerably less hassle than I’d expected around the not drinking
– I haven’t lost anything by deciding to do this
– being able to not take it personally, to see where it was other people’s stuff
– positive comments on the rejection email
– and being able to see that my work is good but not what is needed there
– reclaiming the paths through the thicket
What worked?
– prodding things, even when they hurt
– writing, as a means of letting things out without having to look at them
– relinquishing the control I never had in the first place
Sending love and pebbles, and the comfortable feeling one gets when the weather is just the way one wants it, and the warm smell of dandelions, and the little rumble of a purring kitten.
Oh, Chicken. Leaving a small pile of the pretty white pebbles from my terrarium.
When my father was moving from the house he lived in to a tiny cabin in the woods, we got a dumpster to help him clear stuff out. So much stuff from 5 children and so many years. I would go to his house and help throw away. Then I would go home to my house and purge. For each thing that sat in a closet I’d ask “do I want my family to have to throw this away?” So much stuff gone. And then I moved into a place with just a few tiny closets so there is no room for too much stuff and it is so nice.
The Hard:
The pinched nerve. Pain beyond what I’ve ever felt. Not being able to do all the things I normally can do. And still not feeling 100% like me.
Missing writing group.
The Good:
My primary care doctor. What a blessing it is to find someone who listens and has fixed so many things for me. And explains things and brainstorms and checks in and is so good.
Pharmaceuticals and all the people who work with molecules and make them into things that can fix bodies.
Cool and rainy days.
Pain changing and lessening and on its way to resolution.
Sending you Love and Light for pinched nerve. This indeed is so hard and minutes suddenly feel like hours. Kisses.
Hah! I was reading up on the “Emergency Calm The Hell Down” through the link and read about the ‘recoding’ instead of about the ‘recordings.
Thank you, brain! The week was all about coding and learning about coding and recoding. And also: recoding the patterns of collaboration that were in place from before I arrived. mmmmmm for the calm of recoding and the ease that comes with it.
:: love ::
Quiet presence.
Tiny pebbles in a heart-shaped fashion.
Hand-on-heart breath.
Havi, I can so understand how hard traveling is. I am sending you kisses and love and light.
Pebbles, hearts, tea, hot baths, restful sleep, time.
Pebbles, hearts, tea, hot baths, restful sleep, time.
<3
<3 <3
The Hard:
1. Working with some terror. A lot of terror, in fact. Seeing many ways it restricts my options.
2. The day where I said yes to *one* thing I shouldn't have, and it quickly spiraled into hours at urgent care for possibly stitches and possibly broken bone (not for me) and driving places with a tired baby and no sleep and no food.
I would like to learn to say no when I mean no!
3. Many opportunities to see where I don't value or make space for my HSP self, and much crying for past experiences of being told or sometimes forced to do things in the way that makes sense to non-HSPs and which never works for me. Needing so much love and tenderness and celebration and cherishing for this way that I am.
3. Bear time.
4. Still bumping along on much too little sleep. Better than last week, but not enough.
5. Still reeling a bit from last week's revelation that a dear friend has gone back to a dangerous addiction, and from my immediate launching into my complementary pattern of not-presence around that.
The Good:
1. I've been waiting for a long time and without much patience or grace, for a question-that-is-actually-a-shift to be asked/shifted. And this week it came!
2. Date day took me to the exact perfect place to run into the exact perfect person at the exact perfect time.
3. Working on projects as a team! I love this, and this week there was lots of it.
4. Every week, I when my husband does or doesn't get scheduled at work, it turns out to be perfect. How much money we needed, how much time we needed…just perfect. And this week he barely got any time and I knew it would be perfect and it was.
Turns out he's actually overbooked in his home practice, and we needed time for craziness like taking the hurt person to urgent care. And so just a few hours a day was exactly what we needed and I knew it would be even before there was evidence.
5. My daughter said her first full sentence… In Spanish! (Donde esta el jabon?) She also started saying "all done!" And last night she said "goodnight, Mom." I like babies, I do. But I like this so much better.
6. So many moments of appreciation this week for the clarity I get not being on social media anymore. It makes everything else so much easier for me to hear.
7. We have a cleaning schedule. It's highly optional, and fun, and the house feels so much better.
love this!
Oh wow – I’ve been working with permission this week also. Love reading your thoughts on it.
My heart goes out to you….
Leaving pebbles and hearts for Havi.
Hard this week:
– Traveling is exhausting! We knew it would be and went anyway.
– Missing connections.
– Pain. I had just recovered from the last bout and pushing MrB’s wheelchair set me back.
– Ongoing problem of not nearly enough sleep.
– The Butler (the cleaning service) couldn’t come this week, so I had to clean before I left home.
– Communication with [X] was hard because of [reasons] and I don’t know what to do about this.
Good this week:
+ The Butler (the cleaning service) couldn’t come this week, so I came home to a homey clutter.
+ Manhattan!
+ MOMA!!!
+ The people couldn’t have been nicer!
+ Safe travels and no obstacles to getting there and back.
+ My son’s birthday.
+ Plans to see my son and my mother and my sister this weekend.
More flowers, love/hugs, love/breaths, pebbles.
The Hard – The feeling of a bug up my nose (proxy.) I released some of it this morning in the form of Stating My Preferences. My point was found valid and I Do Not Have to Deal with the project. It does not seem the right time to take care of the rest.
Ramping up the LoL (Living on Less) Project until The Dude gets work.
The Good – Everything that is mine comes back to me. An earring, a water bottle, and the library book I was going to read next. The Holland/American Store will open in a new location on November 1st as the Holland International Market. My sister’s intel organization is mysterious and amazing!
Girl’s Movie Night.
I’m locked out of my position on the Prof Org’s board, finally!
There’s a Reiki practitioner in the family now.
A local hill doing an impression of the White City in a shaft of sunlight.
New Monster portrait– the Scoffer who looks like a cross between Havi’s Monster #8 and Terry Thomas.
Chick, out.
It was Monster #6 crossed with Terry Thomas.
(Clucking, or chuckling, madly.)
What worked? Going to the pool. Going to class. Taking things off the calendar.
Next time I might… do more research on so-called deals. Or just step out of and away from the deal-hunting bogs for a while. Weigh inherited compulsion to save money vs. the worth of my time, of buying directly from businesses…
Hard . . .
* Spending part of a bus ride seated between two kids talking about beating other people up
* Wondering how much being outspoken/straightforward may have cost me in friendships/connections through the years. Wrestling with specter of potential fallout if new piece sells.
* Not wanting to miss out, but needing a break from some circles. That point where thoughtless statements feel like shoes even though I can see that what’s actually hitting me are stray splats from Other People’s Stuff.
Good . . .
* A deal not working out –> much-needed nap/work time
* Throwing out ALL the coriander and eye pencils, and the dill, too
* Study time!
Warm wishes and flowers to all y’all.
Hearts. Pebbles. Breaths. Tea.
Back in March, I began decluttering, inspired by something Havi had written. My plan was to recycle/discard/otherwise dispose of ~ 5 things every other day for 1 month. I did that, but kept going. Off-and-on/not continuously since March, but to date, our apartment contains 617 fewer items.
Spouse and I have moved a bunch of times, but for this project, I finally found myself able to let go of things I had felt conflicted about for years, but couldn’t bear to part with. Now they’re gone. I’m experiencing “spaciousness” not just inside our apartment, but inside of *me*. Thanks, Havi, for that genius concept. And the inspiration to start.
I don’t know who I am anymore. In a Good Way. Discoveries ahead!
Oh friday, so glad to see you, so much to this week!
what worked: tiny course corrections and movements back towards Best Practice, noticing that between the Full and Third Quaretr is when i fall off BP. Kindness, gentleness and brahmari.
what sucked:
-inability to make real changes happen
– losing my starch at work
-omg this was soooo sucky. my magickal partner broke up with me, just dropped me, and now i feel unwelcome in spaces i had invested in. several nbreaths for this
-overdrawn on my banl account, and not knowing why. this is an old pattern that i thought i had finally let go. a breath for panic and shame
-dropped balls and explainign to the kids that i just cant do X
-my pesto got moldy
-mercury retro and its ways
-knowing what i want to, and not g=giving myself permission
so much sparkle:
-last weekend’s workshop at the Starhouse in Boulder (look it up)–was perfect in every way
-the buzz from the above event lasted, even unto today
-so much juice
-Autumn! October! Samhaintide! it is gorgeous out.
-getting clear about my Samhain plans and finding the balance of all kinds of things–the kids, my Ancestors, ritual, stillness, solitude, festivity
-weight easing back down towards something i can accept
-i discovered the tango classes are still happening on friday nites at the Mercury and i am getting ever closer to getting there. i would have gone tonite, but i did service to my kids and returned a favor to one of my mom-tribe women
-the oven is fixed and i want to cook. i mean really really cook good food and bake things
-2 more weekends of the Parker farmers market
ps Havi, after my mom died, i began wearing her darling earrings from Spain (lil 8 point stars with a tiny crystal in each point). it really did help. pebbles and hearts.
Pebbles and hand on heart and love to you, Havi.
-o- <3 -o-
Farewell, sweet week. You were sometimes hard, mostly good, and very tiring.
I am applying this week's wonderful salve right now. I believe I will keep absorbing it while I sleep.
I now invoke the superpower of All My Choices Turn Out To Have Been Sheer Genius.
Love to Chickeneers and Beloved Lurkers everywhere!
PlopThunk
also {{{Havi}}}
also {{{Everybody (including me)}}}
All my pebbles are glittering jewels and every one of them is special! Each is a prayer for peace and presence. Love to all, Dawn