It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Renaming things.
I didn’t want to go to the Post Office, until I decided that USPS stands for Universal Sovereign Perspective Service, and then it was easy! Who doesn’t want some sovereign perspective? By post!
Similarly, everything got better when I remembered that Halloween can be turned into Hidingween. Or is that Hideoween? Actually it was more like Snuggle-o-ween.
I do not like this trick-or-treating thing. Loud knocking on the door triggers my PTSD, and I have a long list of things that are asking for my time — providing noisy sticky-fingered small people with candy does not make the top fifty.
Usually I turn out all the lights and hide in the dark. This year my housemate was out being social so I had to have Hidingween by myself.
Except then the beautiful boy came over, and hiding is more fun with two people.
Next time I might…
Choose steadiness.
Often I choose things that are not steadying (twitter, for example) because sometimes they are steadying or have that effect, and because I need a pause, and then I use an unsteady thing as a place to push for steadiness pellets.
This hardly ever works.
I want to remember to choose things that are actually steadying: get on the floor and breathe.
Steadiness from the north. Steadiness to the east. Steadying the south. Steady in the west.
To allow myself to be held by steadiness instead of grasping for steadiness. Also sometimes I wake up my lover because I forget how to access steadiness, and then I don’t know how to say that this is what I want, so I want to get in the habit of breathing, remembering, asking for a hug.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Grief. It just is. A breath for permission.
- Worry. I forget that I can seed a new song in my head. A breath for comfort, may we all have as much of it as we need.
- I feel the big changes coming, and with them some big decisions. A breath for perfect simple solutions, turnarounds or escape hatches: whatever the answers are here, may they reveal themselves in right timing.
- This week it seemed like everything that could go wrong did, and I was too tired and overwhelmed to remember that Nothing Is Wrong. I am convinced there is no greater challenge in life than remembering that Nothing Is Wrong. Nothing Is Wrong does not mean force yourself to stick with things that are horrible. Practicing Nothing Is Wrong often means changing the things that feel off, that is part of what makes them not-wrong: thank goodness this frustrating situation pushed me to interact with it and make things better. A breath for patience, magic, sweetness, changing things up.
- Related to the above: This week all kinds of things seemed to be unwieldy, full of complications, expensive. Something I ordered for the trip (and paid $12 extra for it to arrive in time) turned out to be back-ordered, and then taking care of that involved another $85 and half of a day to sort out. My monsters were a Greek chorus with their steady chant of “One Step Forward, Two Steps Back, You Never Make Progress On Anything, Everything Goes Wrong”. A breath for trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
- And in the ongoing theme, the continued encounters with all the ways I relinquish my sovereignty, compromise my desires, neglect to state my preferences, avoid opportunities to treasure myself. Sovereignty challenges everywhere. I find myself afraid to state what I want, or acquiescing to a not-really-a-yes, because it seems easier, or neglecting to insist that people hold up their end of the bargain. Yet again, a breath for trust and more trust and even more trust after that. And for practicing.
- Too much work. Work and worry. Got myself all tangled up until my body was giving me the emergency warning signals of Impending Emotional Breakdown In Thirty Seconds To Twenty Minutes. A breath for knowing where my edges are, and for understanding that sometimes I’m going to test them and this is part of life and aliveness.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- At some point around noon on Sunday, I suddenly realized it wasn’t Monday! I had a whole extra day. REPRIEVE! Also the clocks changed, so a sneaky extra hour of sleep, which means DOUBLE REPRIEVE. Reprieve x2! Superpowers of that, come in, come in. A breath for suddenly perceiving/receiving extra spaciousness.
- Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic, current status: ACTIVATED! Any longer and I would have probably fallen apart so hard, so really this was the exact right moment. A breath for a well-timed escape hatch that is also a Grand Adventure.
- Running away to visit my Uncle in Eugene. A breath of thank you for exactly what I needed, and for the magic that is being loved unconditionally.
- The person I want to have grand adventures with is the person who wants to go on grand adventures with me. How lucky is that?! A breath for all the sparks.
- There are so many supportive people in my life. When things started unraveling this week, I had Annabelle and Marisa to text wise, compassionate, understanding reminders of truth-love. I had Richard to do acupressure magic on me and come with me on all the errands. A breath for allies, resources, friends, love.
- Everything is okay. A breath for everything being okay, and for remembering.
- My wise body knows what is good. A breath for moving, stretching, breathing, getting on the floor.
- Thankfulness. Heart full of love. Wise friends gave good counsel. Tiny miracles everywhere. So much sweetness in my life, so much kindness, so much generosity and permission. So many things are beautiful. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I took care of six thousand billion errands this week. Finalizing the 2015 Fluent Self calendar design (year 4!), and it is absolutely gorgeous. Operation Clear Bell is still in effect, as is The Sultry Speedy Chicken of Sanguine Secret Ops, Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic is good to go, and I am trusting the fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
This post about secretly turning the rain into different colors. The technique I use there (not turning the rain into colors, though that is fun too) is a really good practice for me.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of Getting On The Bus, and the power of appreciating the good.
Superpowers I want.
The superpower of Calm Steady Trust Is Mine At All Times, and I Do Not Need To Carry Anyone Else’s Fears For Them.
Oh, and I was at a dance class this week, and the instructor said, “Whatever feels good in your body right now, do that!” Superpower of approaching life like this please.
The Salve of Reprieve X2!
This salve contains little beads that release Expansiveness and Comfort at the same time.
When it softens into your skin, everything breathes more. You feel cozy and self-contained on the one hand, and as if you’ve been granted all this gorgeous spaciousness on the other.
This salve reminds you that there is time, because look, there it is.
This is a great salve for doing, using that extra window you’ve just been given, and it’s also a great salve for catching up on rest.
This salve gives my skin a dewy glow, it works a little bit like Rally (superpower of Rally Glow) in that it makes me better-looking just by being around it.
Bonus effect of this salve: not only do you find your own sweet moments of reprieve but everyone you encounter feels this permission and spaciousness too. Suddenly there are these little ten and fifteen minute pockets of buffer available.
It’s kind of like when you quit [habit] and suddenly there’s money in your pocket. In fact, that’s a form of reprieve too, so let’s add that into the mix. This salve does that too! Best salve ever. Have some. And then have some more.
That’s how this works.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes via Wendy (thank you!) and they’re called Cleo and the Gap, they play sultry lounge music that is heavy on clarinet, and it’s actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Follow
The Hard:
The person left behind in the old office is in her Stuff. And she keeps thinking that I put her in her Stuff, and that she can’t get out of her Stuff because of me. She seems angry at my Sovereignty (although that is probably my stuff thinking that) which is annoying. And she won’t stop admiring herself in the mirror with her martyr costume on. She doesn’t realize how unbecoming it looks.
A diagnosis doesn’t bring instant relief. And there will still be some pain and feeling like there are bees living in my arm. But hopefully it will not feel like there are fire breathing weasels who are trying to claw their way out.
I think I got all the reprieves today. I feel like someone came along and said “take a load off, seagirl, and put the load right on me.”
The good:
A diagnosis – herniated disk. This means treatment for pain can start, self-healing can continue and visualization of healing can commence.
People with empathy and kindness. If you have this power, you are a blessing to the world a million times over.
End of week one in the new mine-all-mine office. I think you would all want to live here. It is the sort of place that makes you exhale when you enter it.
Quiet. I had forgotten what it felt like to be in this quiet space. I can hear the low rumbles of my neighbors’ voices, the soothing sounds that say “you are not alone.” But there are not the loud and shrill voices right outside my door.
And I want to borrow some of Havi’s good to remember: Everything is ok. My wise body knows what to do. Supportive people, grand adventures, tranquility. And floor, yes.
Pebbles and breaths, all ye loves.
What worked: asking questions. bringing a sample. consciously sledding through/around Ludicrous Fear Popcorn blizzards.
Next time? maybe buy more mooncakes
Hard/unsettling/frustrating:
* this stinker of a cold
* I fear what changing providers may entail
* driving in dark, rainy conditions
* election results. Eek!
Good:
* numerous instances of good timing this week
* “Ballad Breath” published!
* feeling secure enough to bin some spices and cleansers and catalogs — and the way the wind drew ribbons with the ground cloves? unexpectedly gratifying
* pickling eggs, and the memory of Vancouver accompanying that
* plenty of hot water
Warm wishes to all y’all. Shabbat shalom.
Hard:
1. [Thing that is not betrayal] and [relationship that I desperately hope is not over] are so huge I don’t really know how to articulate them, and I’m also not allowed/able to talk about it with almost anyone. It’s like having a death in the family you have to keep secret…you cry every time you see orange, but you can’t tell anyone it’s because it was their favorite color. Metaphorically. Except there’s an element of so much in my life being uncertain now that the metaphor doesn’t catch.
2. I was already pretty unsteady when I got the above news, and my body was like: “okay, let’s just get sick, then.” So that’s what we’ve been doing this week. I hate being sick. I’m not particularly fighting it, but I hate it.
3. The half roof we put on the chicken run and didn’t finish managed to hold all the water on top of it, until the weight got too much and the whole chicken run exploded. So now the chickens have nowhere waterproof at all, and the roof project we couldn’t finish is even bigger, more complicated, and more urgent.
4. In light of [thing that is not a betrayal], life plans seem uncertain, people seem untrustworthy, and even innocuous little things seems scary.
5. A thing I was really looking forward to was cancelled.
Good:
1. I have the best husband ever. There for me with listening and foot rubs and doing all the chores while I’m too sick to move.
2. My daughter started saying “I love you!” Singing it, actually. I love her voice. I love everything she says and almost everything she does. I love talking to her.
3. Given the hard, hard thing that is happening, I’m proud of how okay everything is.
=o=
Lowlights:
–Someone I love has been going through a lot of physical pain this week. I wish I could help.
–There are things I would like to buy for myself that seem like unattainable luxuries (for now).
Highlights:
–I was invited to audition for something awesome.
–I made a new professional connection and planted seeds for additional income streams.
–My daughter called me her creative collaborator. I’ve often thought of *her* that way; it’s a joy to have it reciprocated.
I now invoke the superpower of Sweet Serenity. <3
I had two days this week of the New Routine that I want to have become a regular part of my life and they were good. Then I had a couple of DropOut Days that I thought were a setback, a resistance to the New Routine. It turned out that they weren’t; they were my wise body giving me useful intel and my wise Self giving me more useful intel. Nothing Is Wrong.
There was a potentially scary thing with MrB but it turned out a lot better than it might have. As a consequence, there’s a new complication in my life but the New Routine will help with that. Again, Nothing Is Wrong.
My friend BB and I made a pact to support each other with a thing we both want to work on in our different ways. The last time she supported/encouraged me to do something, it was super successful and I’m excited to have her input again.
The superpower I had this week: Nothing Is Wrong.
The superpower I want next week: I Do The Hard Thing And It’s Not Even A Big Deal But I Get All The Sparklepoints Anyway.
What worked this week: Going with the flow.
Next time I might: Allow more Flow.
Hello FRida, we re here. So much to unpack.
I gt very sick and tired f the not-progress and Tuesday was a very bad nite, very uncmfotable. And then enxt morning things were better and my husband was kind throughout. And then i realized that a bunch of little tiny wish-seeds had sprouted, and that lil baby steps are still steps.
What worked this week: excellent well-tending, bed time, course corections that get us back on the road to the destination, praxis, listening to my body and to desire.
the sucks:
-low level ick moving thru ffice and school. feeling it vaguely, eldest kid was sick fr 2 days
-sloggint thru tedious projects at work = very little accomplished + low motvatin for anything much
-so much t do all the time, all the time
-i got sick last saturday, so i had to sit out Druid samhain and DAy f the Dead shenanigans. this was very disappointing
s many sparkles
Ooops! Sparkles:
-all kinds of seeds are popping, it’s very nice and reminds me to do more seeding
-fewer migraines lately
-being cared for by whole family when i melted down
-after many weeks of a tight budget we get t relax a bit this month
-my presentation for Pantheacon has been accepted
-i’ve been lamenting the lack of progress and then this week, tiny baby steps became more obvious
-I embarked on a new project tonite. it really needed conscious entry and i have given it that
-Samhain was quite lovely
-so much bubbling up, but ti’s all good and i’m so grateful
OMG I so want VickB’s superpower of “I Do The Hard Thing And It’s Not Even A Big Deal But I Get All The Sparklepoints Anyway” , so I’m adding that to my things I want for the week ahead too. Thank you for letting me know this was a superpower.
The good:
• I’m working in the soft regarding my “Said Snottier” (best anagram ever) or “Diarist’s Stone” which before I could not even look at without freaking out and seizing up. So that’s kind of cool. (It could also be Saint Storied or Saint Editors – which just taught me that Editors and Storied are anagrams of each other, which is kind of cool. Also, “Aired its snot” always fun.
• My dogs are amazing and love having their teeth brushed.
• I found my proof/editing copy of my book I need to edit on my bookcase (I thought my father-in-laws girlfriend had it), and started editing 🙂
• This may sound odd under the good things, but I had a very mild case of the flu (achiness & tiredness, but no headache & brainfog or cough/sneezing), which forced me to take good care of myself and get lots of sleep. In other words my body demanded self care in such a way I couldn’t help but deliver. I got naps, early bed times, healthy food, and no one judged me on it/tried to convince/guilt me to do other things because I was “staving off getting sicker”
• I feel like I get my classes this quarter.
The Hard
• Family drama over drama combined with big bad sicknesses. Just all bad.
• I wrote my piece of an exam, then I got steam rolled because one of the other instructors decided she didn’t want to wait until the day we agreed we’d finish to download it from google drive and do all the fancy formatting so she “did my part for me” without telling me. I just wish I knew that she was doing that, so then I didn’t go in 2 days before our agreed on date and redo my section of the exam. (not taking, making the exam for students)
• I don’t know what I’m doing next quarter, and I haven’t connected with my professors about doing independent study like I need to, and a whole host of other things that there are guilt monsters now surrounding.
• Money monsters re-sprouting. We so need another income stream or to find a way to significantly cut costs of living.
The hard:
I feel small and fragile and also like I don’t really exist.
I don’t think I understand Nothing Is Wrong. That’ll be something to let percolate.
Am I meant to be here?
The good:
Birthday!
I was thinking about how I need a scarf and then I got a scarf for my birthday. Good timing.
New water bottle (also for the birthday)
Family time
Goal for this week: Need to find rest restful.
My Internal Scientists have sent Chuck Norris to round up any hard things that happen this coming week. They have the Source of Love standing by to provide any quantity needed and are playing with various humorous concepts to set aside sufficient Laughter to dissolve the Hard Things. Stay tuned until the next Chicken!
Thank you, Havi, for the colored rain. I don’t know when we’ll get the next shower, so I’ll practice on the walls of my cubicle.
The Hard – Playing “Hot Potato” with The Dude’s Hard Stuff.
The Good –
Conversation with a yet unnamed Monster because I used a comforter sitting in the cupboard to cover The Dude’s dirty comfy chair. Evidently, using X as a Y is Wrong, Bad and Nobody Else does That because it Destroys the Balance of the Universe!
“Since I’m Fringe Normal at best and am aiming for Totally Eccentric, it would be Wrong for Me to be the same as everyone else,” I replied. “And my Internal Scientists have assured me that the balance of the Universe requires me to be weird, otherwise it will entropy from Too Much Normalcy.”
I thanked it and sent it to the Famous Fictional Detective most concerned with Balance in the Universe to have cheese cubes on saltine crackers.
Found that Tunnels and Caves have positive connotations because they are Mysterious underground hallways.
Going to a concert and Disneyland with The Dude. Getting permission to Quit and getting enough Recovery and Rest.
Flowers and spare Warmth!