Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 415th week in a row we are chickening here together!
What’s been working?
Asking for clues. I do this anyway because it’s a fun way to turn on the part of my brain in charge of Noticing and Wonder, but lately I’ve been specifically asking for clues related to something I’m working on, and this has been delivering so much delight.
Like the night I went to the bar to write about the theme of legacy — mine, this business, what is my legacy. Except I got there and was too scared to write about it, like maybe I’m not ready to be honest about what I want and other fear-whispers, so I opened my notebook and wrote Next Clue Please.
Skyler came over and asked if I wanted the usual and I said hmmm no show me the list, even though I never look at the list. Oh look, a Canadian blended whisky called Legacy.
I might try…
Ha. Last week I seeded taking more time to luxuriate in entry and exit. Am pleased to report there was lots of this in my week, maybe even mostly this.
What else would I like to try? Being more aware of background noise and its effects on me when it isn’t loud enough for me to hate it, because sometimes it is really messing with me and is giving me clues to exit, and I am missing them.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of doors into harmony and these were the days.
Melody opens. Hello exciting new day. Celebrating my way. Be free and pursue pleasure. Instinct says. PROWESS. Standing in my power.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Cocooning Is Not A Terrible Strategy, As It Turns Out.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Ugh cities. I am done with cities. It is hilarious that I am saying this. I mean, I moved to Portland from San Francisco, to San Francisco from Berlin, and to Berlin from Tel Aviv, so I don’t even really generally consider Portland to be particularly urban, it occupies a unique space in my mind as sort of a large town with spectacularly good food. And now I find myself spending the summer in a small coastal town of ten thousand people, and suddenly even this is way too much for me. But spending time in both Portland and Vancouver this week really made it clear that I can’t do it anymore. A breath for knowing this, and for wilding my way back to wilderness, however this happens.
- I craved connection and play this week, with people, and this showed up in various settings and circumstances, and each time there was no one to play with. And this is okay and the only important thing in life is how I connect with myself, and still, wanting is or can be painful. A breath for being tender with myself and letting things be how they are right now.
- It turns out that for the past four months I have been telling myself something that isn’t true, namely that the thing I do like in Portland, and miss being able to take part in, is a certain blues dance night at a certain venue. When my flight was two hours late this week, I got stranded in Portland and was able to go! Nope, it was THE WORST. And even worse than it being the worst was the sudden realization that I give away a lot of my time to feeling sad about missing out on things that it turns out I don’t actually want anyway. A breath for self-forgiveness and self-treasuring, knowing that this realization I am currently finding frustrating I will eventually find liberating.
- This week involved sleeping in five different places, and next week involves even more, as things are moving and changing, and I am enormously grateful to always have a place, and also I am craving sanctuary and routine and a bed that is mine-all-mine for as long as I want it. A breath for making space for adventure and sanctuary to co-exist.
- Pain in the form of a hurting back from sleeping on the floor, a hurting shoulder from terrible night of dancing, a hurting heart from the pain of the world. A breath for taking exquisite care of myself, with love.
- Uncomfortable epiphany had me rattled. Something about the many ways I have (or past-me has) not just been in tough situations but actively chosen [lack and dependency] throughout the course of my life out of fear of what will happen if I just do what I want. Oh, all the things small scared me has chosen that she didn’t actually want, out of fear of losing the people who loved her. Useful intel, let’s seed more trust-in-love. A breath for comfort and healing: comfort through healing, healing through comfort and being comforted.
- Conundrum still unresolved. Also someone invited me to share in an adventure but made this offer unappealing, and I am sitting with this because something about the sensation of [unappealing opportunity that is like the thing I want but not] is reminding me of something important, and I want to figure out what that is. A breath for trust: what if I can let this mystery reveal great treasure.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Another delightful week. I love these long summer nights that stretch and expand, the light is so pretty here, and also all that light allows for so much freedom of movement, as I go places and do things I wouldn’t say yes to if it was cold and dark and had already felt like night for hours. Happy. Enjoying the cool weather at the coast, the mist-into-drizzle grey by the water, the muted pinks and blues of the sky as the sun sets. A breath of contentment.
- My trip to Vancouver was very grounding, in so many ways, not only in escaping the worst of the fireworks. It is good to be around people who are so actively appalled at the prospect of a Trump presidency. I mean, I think most people I know in the States are as well, we are just tired of thinking about it, so there’s this shrug of resignation that can turn too easily into complacency, but my Canadian friends are rightfully experiencing this as SHOCK AND HORROR, and that was honestly refreshing. It was wonderful to hug-and-kiss Jane and be with her again, catching up over a very decadent dinner, big joy. And I had birthday do-overs, and do-overs are magic. I also learned that I really am done with cities, done done done done, and while that maybe wasn’t the most fun realization, it was useful. A breath for all of this, and yes, I might just move to rural British Columbia, you heard it here first, maybe, we’ll see.
- This is a tiny thing but sometimes tiny things do the trick. I changed my location on Twitter to Genoa, transforming the “trending topics” in the sidebar from Mostly Horrifying to mysterious and sometimes marvelous, like #DonneComeCiPare, which — and you are welcome offer an alternative translation as I don’t actually speak Italian*, I am translating loosely in my mind as women doing whatever the fuck they want, and it makes me happy. And while I am still trying to avoid social media, making it slightly less of a toxic cesspool is a good thing. A breath for safety first, play and for simple solutions.
* I’m not Italian, I just play one on TV.….
- Flowing with plans being illusory. Flight was delayed by two hours so I got to drink wine and write! And later invented a brilliant television show with a new friend. And I missed the bus to the coast and other things happened instead, and they were mostly good, and the parts that weren’t led me to new choices. Getting better at this. A breath of quiet trust.
- Echoing and reverberating my way through the labyrinth at the cathedral. “You seem like someone who knows labyrinths”, said the woman at the door when I entered. I am okay with that. A breath of gratitude and grace.
- While I am very glad I escaped the Fourth of July aka Flagsplosion Day, as Agent Spalding calls it, and the awful [my home is suddenly a war zone] aspect of it all, there were of course still fireworks going off all week long, and I am overjoyed to report that I was not nearly as miserable as I usually am. I mean, I still don’t like the sound of explosions. But I didn’t go into the usual PTSD spirals. This is nothing less than miraculous, and credit goes to the enormous amount of TRE (Trauma Release Exercises) I’ve been doing. Well, I skip the exercises but I tremor every day for anywhere between five and fifteen minutes. The point is, things exploded and I did not cry or hide or feel like I was losing my mind, it was more like “yes, I do not like this noise”. I still plan on getting out of dodge next year and all years, but now it feels different. A breath of thankfulness.
- Still channeling Adrianna and her superpowers so hard. Getting on the floor and breathing. Olive oil in a pretty dish. Taking time and taking more time. Entry and exit. Wearing the most beautiful scarf instead of saving it for special occasions. I AM A SPECIAL OCCASION. A breath for how new and wonderful this feels.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of spicy popcorn, la vie en rose, finding a book on renaissance art exactly when I needed a clue about newness and rebirth and being Italian. So much grace. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of My Own Best Ally, I Have Everything I Need In The Moment I Need It, All The Right Doors Open For Me, and I hear the melody. Got all of these, not at all in the ways I might have expected, and feeling grateful.
Powers I want.
More of the same please and also the powers of Gleefully Following My Joy and Doing Everything With A Different Attitude Which Makes It New And Fabulous. The salve is not named for this but it covers this too.
The Salve of Clues Everywhere.
This, like last week’s salve, is an awareness salve but it also so much more than that. It is a salve of transformation because clues transform a moment with tingly presence, and when you show up in this moment new, the moment is also new.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Agent Sloan:
More Than Monsters
Their latest album is Everything Is Better With Pineapple, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
> “Oh, all the things small scared me has chosen that she didn’t actually want, out of fear of losing the people who loved her.”
Resonance, big time.
<3 <3 <3
‘Allo, Adrianna, allons et restons! 🙂
[spoken in the voice of the Eastern European countesses channeled by playful, sassy socialites in some of the Regency romances I sometimes redevour when I feel a need to coax my groove back into heels]
Thank you, week.
What’s been working?
Remembering and recommending the Subversive Copy Editor’s advice on working to rule.
Transplanting the zinnia thinnings.
I might try…
more Mason jar lunches.
more lanturnes.
(Oooh — PROWESS. I just wrote a poem about ships. Prow-essence. Pro(menading) west. P, row to ess(anctuary)…)
My biopic:
Accidental Genius, Deliberate Fool
Hard, frustrating, breath-constricting:
* So many systems so steeped in toxicity and virulent protection of turf.
* Third time in as many weeks of getting overcharged by a neighborhood vendor, and this time I didn’t catch it in time to challenge it.
* Feeling compelled to go an extra mile with a project without extra compensation — and then Other People’s Stuff landed on the track.
* Attempting yoga on Monday was a mistake.
* That surge of envy when someone turns down opportunities a Past Me yearned for.
* Having to bin so many flourishing flowers b/c of disease.
* A health provider’s software spamming me.
* Witnessing others struggle with dishonest agents.
* My competence, confidence, and solvency have required choices, compromises, and sacrifices. Maddening when that is dismissed or disregarded, in large part because I find it maddening to not yet be beyond caring about the perceptions of people I don’t myself respect in every respect.
Good, reassuring, delightful:
* Museum + dinner with an old friend and his partner.
* Saved from an order I instantly regretted by the vendor being out of stock.
* Even though it may be years before I return to Broadway, I get to glimpse some highlights online on my own time. And the extras, like the Schulyer sisters singing The Longest Time. And archival photos and footage of stars like Ian McKellen I couldn’t have accessed when I was a child. Marveling at how some things have in fact become so much easier.
* That I can’t immediately apply for certain camps/conferences/credentials is in fact a good thing, because they do not actually fit my Now or Near Future but it’s so hard to remember that when the brightly repainted buses are bouncing along on the horizon with flags flying and potential friends waving and the brochures promising clean sheets and good meals and wonders galore.
* Thank you, Past Me, for stocking the garden soil I used for the new zinnia bed today.
* Errand that couldn’t be put off any longer was in same part of town as the supermarket now stocking dozens of different Asian greens. Discoveries ahead!
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Mmmm reading this chicken fills me with great pleasure, I connect so much to all of it and of course as you might imagine I was already thinking about prowess and prows and ships, so I am delighted about the play here! <3
All timing is right timing.
What Worked:
Deleting everything off my phone – FB, twitter, insta, feedly, clear safari history, purge phone numbers (but write them down in a secret place just in case) cut off all paths to dopamine hits, distractions, trending hashtags.
The Hard:
Work. Exhaling and then feeling the boa constrictor wrap more tightly. I need a different visual for this. Feelings of failure, incompetence, trouble. Unsettling. Scary. Although now is not then.
Heart. Silently retreating. But I don’t want my heart to silently retreat.
The Good:
Seeing the Boy and having him stop me to talk to me and ask me about things and tell me about things. There is something so vulnerable about men, about that man.
Writing. I am doing it and it is getting done.
Mmmm, especially to secret place hiding along with purging, yes. <3 <3 <3
The hard:
– hilariously awful confirmation service. It was as if someone had handed the bishop a checklist of Things Kathleen Can’t Cope With In Church and he ran all the way down ticking them all off.
– back online, and ew.
– realigning priorities, and the stickiness when they don’t match other people’s
The good:
– pain au raisin between choir practice and the service this morning
– sour cherry lemonade, vegetarian scotch egg with carrot and aioli, sitting under a parasol on a sunny evening
– bringing in a whole new subplot which is flowing beautifully
– the Luxuriating Beyond Reason salve from a few weeks back has landed, and it’s fabulous. Spent most of Friday’s Pilates class thinking how *good* the floor felt under my back.
– New York Deli Pie and five sorts of cheese with friends
– also the Being A Person Who Really Appreciates Food wish seems to be coming in, as may be evident from the above. More of this, please!
Clues:
– hart/heart
– Shine, Take That
– no noise, nor silence, but one equal music…
What worked:
– performer mode, up to a point
– slowing down, taking time
– writing it down, writing it down
– trusting that it’s working even when I have no sense of it working
Next time I might try:
– reading the service sheet so I know what’s coming (it wouldn’t have picked up all the awful, but it would have alerted me to at least two instances of it)
– asking to go to a German language church service where I speak the liturgy, instead (this one’s for 2007 me)
– walking
Oh fun! You remind me that ‘subplot’ has another meaning… Thank you.
A gentle cluck. Heart sighs.
This week had enormous clues and gifts and stuff.
the suck:
-the heat
-early this morning, returnign to my hotel, there was a shooting, and i had to run from gunfire.
-i was at a dance conference this weekend, and last nite was the big show and after parties etc. i also wanted to see some other friends. because i was chasing 2 parties, i was not able to spend delicious time at either
-i had too many exopectations? hopes? for a new relationship, and am discovering how very much the whole thing is a story i made up and told myself. a breath for disappointment, not trusting my instincts.
-the ways in which my starvation leads me to unsovereign choices.
-seriously, i should have m head examined: eschewing the passionate YES so I could bring a tentative sorta-yes into play. cost me the passionate YES and kept me in tentative
-seriously all sorts of unsovereign bullshit and i watched it happen despite being like, NO make it STOP, make the other choice
-i discovered last week a lot about the bluebird of happiness living in your back yard. i came home today, and within an hour, my husband just really turned on me, cold shoulder, silent treatment, obvisouly annoyed by my presence. I am hiding in the bedroom. it’s not safe here
-i had some recent epiphanies about Home and what that means, and my lifelong pattern of home is where we hide in plain sight, and Away from Home is where we get to be real. This seems very significant, but very uncomfrtable. investigating this.
so much sparkle:
-CBF! i had such a great time!
-taking the light rail to the Curtis for friday class with Kellita the SHaman SHowgirl. Dance, EFT, the ‘blessing of tears’. Amazing class, amzinf connection. was able to bring forward lots of Shiva Nata and Fluent Self tech which the instructor loved. THIS.
-checking into the hotel, stepping into my room, taking my time, being still and quiet, luxuriating
-being at the fest, volunteering, meeting folks, having so much fun.
-i really have found a deep passion in burlesque.
-my crown, while it slipped a lot last nite, is on firmly. it feel lonely, but better
Quietly lighting my candle. Sitting. Breathing. Smiling.
It’s good to be here.
P.S. One of the good things in a very hard week has been anticipating and doing entry for the Stone Skipping waterfall-not-a-course next month. I am *very* excited about this. <3 <3 <3
Ooh, it’s next month! In my head I was going to have to wait for ages and ages. Hurrah for good surprises!
Spent a lovely late afternoon and evening with friends at the opening of an art exhibition and then at dinner. A much-needed change.
The second carved chair has been reupholstered and it is back home, looking as good as it feels. (Metaphor: May I feel as good as I look and look as good as I feel.)
Perfect simple solutions re meals, yay! Fresh fruit everywhere, yay!
Beautiful weather – I wish I could spend more time outdoors. We are missing summer.
Bro doing yard work; Wes cleaning the house: both taking up some of the slack for me.
As usual, MrB is taking up a lot of my thoughts and energy and time. Sixty days so far (on Sunday) at the hospital.
I just wanted to let you know, Vicki, that you and Mr B are very often in my thoughts. <3
HELLO CHICKEN
a breath for this chicken
a breath for the me who has arrived in the land of chickenage once again
What’s been working?
+morning crayoning
+swapping out Y!T-D for Y+N+sWish!
+ochel on easy mode
+S/i/W/i/F
I might try…
+launching pad for Op:FAR
+a clarity circle for Op:Carousel
+simplifying ochel even MORE (?!?!!?)
+finding Shadows
[colorset 6B]
bright summer grass, bunny ears pink, summer morning grass, vibrant heart red, yellow, pale grey leaning bluish, greensea, roseberry, seafoam, plumjuice
[colorset 7A]
bright superblue, sandy rose, pea pod, red under red, bold superblue, shady summer grass, goldenmilk, sunfire, cloudy sky blue, earthviolet, lilac shadow
Breathing for tangles, mysteries, enigmas.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Agent M’ship saying yes and then yes and then wait I actually meant probably not. Breathing for the me who knows ze is okay with this, and for the me who thinks ze might be okay with this, and for the me who isn’t okay with it at all because fuck that a whole lot.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Agent Jadewild, who may not be speaking to me, and I really and truly don’t understand why, or I may just have no idea what’s going on and be misreading everything, and that’s why it’s a Great Mystery.
+Breathing for the Mystery of My Left Hand Right Now, which is behaving terrifyingly a lot like My Left Hand 8-10 Years Ago (has it really been that long?!), for no explicable reason no matter how many explicable reasons I try to throw at it.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Vials o’ Life. Breathing for how fucking difficult it is to obtain these essential power-up items. Breathing for the me who wants to give up trying to get them. Breathing for the me who feels entitled to give up with this whole thing, dammit. Breathing for the sad scared me who tried to release them and found out that they’re called Vials o’ LIFE for a reason, and that reason is that we need them to live. So, yeah. That. Breathing.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Hoppiness, having to hop around with Agent Chuchu, and wish that would go back to being easy, and wondering whether it’s one or both of us precipitating the hoppiness.
+Breathing for the Mystery of the Backhanded Compliment. Seriously, what the fuck? Why would you say something like that to someone who just did [the thing]? Breathing for Agent Spikeden and the prickly things she always seems to say. Breathing into the contradiction between how much I like her as a person and can’t stand her personality. Is that even a thing? Am I just excusing prickly behavior (again?) because I can’t not be around her and she seems to like me all right? ::sigh::
+Breathing for the Mystery at the Corner of Main and Banana. Here we go again. Go away.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Sparrow Nest. I do not wish for this to be a Mystery. I wish for this to be a Nest. I am speaking and it is spoken.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Why I Didn’t Go to Badoona. Why didn’t I go? It is a mystery.
Breathing for donuts, delights, dreaminess.
+Breathing for the Festival of SuperQ. Another success in the books. Exceeds expectations. Yes.
+Breathing for the Waves of Rocksteady, seeping out into other places where the light can shine.
+Breathing for the Me Who Sings. <3
+Breathing for THIS SONG <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqc1I9oSGiE (“I Like The Things About Me” by Mavis Staples)
+Breathing for the Polka Dot Moon Dance Delivery, happy Monday to you too! 🙂
+Breathing for the Me Who Rocks Steadily <3
+Breathing for Op: Carousel, for the questions and dragons and rocket power yeses. Mmmmm. Mmmmhmmm.
+Breathing for Wings. Yes. Oh, yes.
[Superpower Showcase]
#H!H. Finding what I’m looking for. Powerflow. Sparkling solution. Steady heart / Steady feet. Rad channeling. Be the instrument. Deep listening. Be the instrument. Right timing. Meet you where you are. Let it in. Hold on. [in the sky]. [on the ground]. Sounds that fit. Just the right questions. [in the flesh].
And my fake band of the week is: Wily Bacterium! Yeah!
Mmmm I feel really good when I read these colorsets! And here’s to Rad Channeling! <3 <3 <3
?????? Just a micro-chicken. I come by & read now and then & feel support & encouragement when things are stressful. I’m still moving and progressing but could do with a little dust off. Have been feeling a need to be near more trees and less traffic. Hope to be there very soon. Thank you for everything!
<3 <3 <3 !!!
oh boy, i’m not sure this week. i think there’s a lot of guilt in the backwash. Like, A LOT.
Well, that is useful, anyway.
Yup.
Thinking I had chronic fatigue these past few years, i’d read the literature: I knew there was a *small* chance you could ‘recover’ from it. And i’d beaten the odds on recovering from PTSD, so that was enough hope to go on with.
2 days ago, I discovered it’s not CFS. It’s probably X, an inherited, incurable condition. There are no treatments except for palliative. And I don’t respond well to pain relievers. Trying to not be devastated; so far, though, I am. A breath for this.
<3 <3 <3 seeding miracles, love, comfort in the form of ease, new intel coming to light, spaciousness, perfect simple solutions, whatever is needed, room for feeling devastated, the good kind of surprises, anything that is supportive invited to come your way when you want it
-o- <3 -o-
By writing that I was “trying not to be devastated”, I realized, “hey, why am I *trying* to *not* feel something? Maybe I should just, ya know, *feel it*.” And I did, and now it kinda makes sense/I think I can live with it.
Thank you to Havi and Claire for comments that… helped, truly.
Havi, I’m not sure how long I’ve been reading your blog, but I think 5 or 6 years at least. Finally, this morning, after a 3rd attempt to write a blog post about the same miserable topic, I realized… I need a blog commenting policy modeled after Havi’s: no advice.
Someone I don’t consider a friend anymore shows up ~2x/year to comment on ways I can “fix” my faults. She’s a psychologist and probably it’s her hobby too, but Do. Not. Want.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for writing, and making this space, and Being You out in the world.
Good call! Safety first! In my ideal world no one would ever offer advice unsolicited and everyone would say things like “oh, I have a thought/suggestion on this from my experience with something kind of similar, let me know if/when you happen to be in the mareket for things to try”, but until then, we have to tell people not to jump in with advice and fixing. Wishing you ease and smoothness in establishing glowing boundaries <3
I AM A SPECIAL OCCASION
This. Profound. I want to write this 100 times, maybe tattoo it on my body, paint it on my bedroom wall where I will see it first thing every morning.
This is Love, dressed up in her party clothes, ready to rock.
Thank you. <3 <3 <3