Hello, chicken: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 382nd week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
Glowvember
Remembering to glow more helps me notice when I am keeping myself small.
Next time I might…
Remember the concept of extenuating circumstances.
Often my monsters want the explanation that suits their agenda. Their agenda, as usual, is keeping me safe, and their preferred methodology is keeping me disappointed and self-doubting so I won’t get my hopes up.
For example, if I don’t hear from [person] all day, the monster explanation is that I have been forgotten, when the actual explanation is that they’ve been stranded in a motorhome with no heat, out of cell service, waiting for the snow to melt and the roads to clear.
Here’s to retiring from the sport of Conclusion Jumping, and for remembering that there are always explanations I haven’t thought of. And that I can support the monster-mission (Keep Havi Safe) while still offering more effective methods.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Dance Streak Day 13
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- My absolutely epic wipeout when I stepped off the curb and onto an especially slick pile of wet leaves. Went flying into the air and flat on my back in a storm drain. Covered in mud head to toe: coat, bag, hat, hair, everything. Bruised hip and tailbone pretty badly and a lot of me is purple. A breath for speedy healing, and deeply grounded internally-rooted presence.
- Missing missing missing missing. How is this not getting easier. A breath for trust in steadiness, trust and steadiness.
- Too many big decisions to receive at once. Like, where am I going to live and when and how. My housemate of the past ten years is moving out, every plan I make disintegrates in my hands. There are business aspects to this and personal aspects, and it is too much. I mean, just dealing with big heartache and exiting the ballroom would be more than enough without the rest of it. This is madness. As Agent Emdee said, “This is like being the President of a small island negotiating complicated trade deals while the Netherlands delegation is in town. As if being president of the island isn’t enough.” A breath of sanctuary, and trust.
- Oh, hahahaha, family visit in the middle of all this chaos. A breath for Glowvember and glowing through it.
- Still feeling bittersweet (chocolate joke) about the chocolate shop closing in a month. I have big history with spaces disappearing, and, more specifically, history with a ballroom in Berlin, and this is painful. I mean, I want it and I don’t want it, and this is right, and it hurts. A breath for trust.
- The Game is so ridiculously Rigged. For example, yesterday (Friday, for me), I intentionally left the day empty so I could devote it to writing and posting the Chicken. Here’s what actually happened. I woke early, made breakfast for me and my brother, laundry, made up the guest room, prepared soup stock and chopped vegetables so dinner prep will be easier, washed dishes, took out compost, did a small workout and suddenly it was 2pm. Wasn’t on my phone, didn’t open my computer. Even with my housemate picking up groceries for me, and my chronic pain on vacation, at full energy, with zero avoidance or distractions, and the tremendous good fortune of huge quantities of magic privilege beans, I wasn’t able to pull it off. I wrote two-thirds of the chicken, and it was already evening. Prior to Shmita, I would have skipped my dance classes and just finished this post to not disappoint people waiting for our weekly ritual. This past year has really opened my eyes to the fact that this blog-space I love so much is also a ten-hour-a-week (and sometimes twenty-hour-a-week) unpaid job, in addition to all the other unpaid jobs, and so I am trying to be more aware of my tendency to tend to [perceived external needs] rather than to my own joy-spark desire in the moment. Anyway, today went the same as yesterday — I still haven’t gotten around to making the soup, and also realized it’s been ten days since I last washed my hair. All of this is not the hard part, it’s just the truth of life. What’s hard is the way external culture works with impossible expectations of what can be done in a day. All the “productivity” people who want us to believe that if we just were more efficient, we could magically “balance” jobs and families and work on our dreams and goals, inbox zero and throw some self-care in there too, what a joke. The way we live is broken, fantastically broken, and no one talks about this. The uncomfortable culture of silence and silencing allows us to keep comparing ourselves to an impossible-to-achieve standard. There’s not actually any way to get anything done, never mind everything. A breath of acknowledgment for something that is true whether people talk about it or not, for a quiet powerful wave of revolution, and a breath of appreciation in my heart as I also take stock of the magic beans that make my life easier in so many uncountable ways.
- My theme for the month is Glow More, and this is related to my mission of Unapologetically Taking Up Space, so of course all of my space issues are coming up. Suddenly we can’t park on our street for a month because of a fire ordinance. Suddenly it’s like I’m wearing an invisibility cloak at my favorite dance, and no one dances with me. And so on. A breath for remembering that setting an intention stirs up everything related to that intention, and the stirring up is part of the clearing out, and all is well, and I can say thank you to what is leaving.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Incredibly I was not injured in my fall. Landed between hip and tailbone instead of on either of them, so just big bruises and a scrape, which seems like a miracle. A breath for appreciating this.
- Even more incredibly, I was not upset by my fall. It seemed clear to me that this was a Redirection, so I said thank you for being redirected, went home to clean up and shower, and then changed my plans for the day so that I could take care of myself. Apparently I’ve had enough falls in my life that resulted in treasure to know treasure when it knocks me off my feet, and that is some serious leveling-up in the video game. A breath for this new superpower.
- DANCE! DANCE! I have been dancing my feet off for thirteen consecutive days. Blues, waltz, west coast swing, lindy, charleston, latin, fusion, contra, and a queer country dance with Julie, DELIGHT. I mean, yes, I am dancing in part as a way of dealing with heartache, but this means that a side effect of heartache is becoming a rockstar dancer, and I can live with that. It also means hanging out with Marjorie and being all melty with her, I can live with that too. A breath for joy, flow, movement, play, creativity, smiles and the miracle drug of CONNECTION.
- So much good upcoming! A scheduled nap-collapse! Rally next week! Special dance lesson! Operation Ruby Jewel! Running away to [undisclosed location in southern California] to dance and play! A breath of happy anticipation for the pleasures of anticipating, and for all these exclamation-point-worthy things.
- My brother is visiting. A breath for laughter and shared language.
- So much smiling. This is good. A breath for slow steady healing.
- Treasure in my life in the form of the warmest blue hat, storing dates and coconut flakes in a bag that once held salted peanuts (I highly recommend this!), playdates with Marisa, wise loving friends, people who are delighted to dance with me, sweet loving words from far away, music, play. A hand-on-heart breath of wonder for the good in my life
- Thankfulness. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
Played with Panther Time as well as the Melting Chocolate mission. The Fountaining op is simmering on the back burner, Operation Ruby Jewel just needs some final touches, and I am waiting for further intel on both Sweet Honey and Shed Shed Shed. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, like a Fairground Stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the superpower of Not Caring What Other People Think, and remembering my glow. I got both of these, and it was INCREDIBLE, and I want more.
I also had an absolutely mind-blowing superpower of People Generously Offering Me The Exact Thing I Need.
Walking out of the Wednesday dance, I ran into Michael on his way in, who said, “oh don’t walk in the rain, I’ll drop you off at your place”. When my ride home from the Thursday dance had to leave to take care of her daughter, Hannah asked if I needed a ride. And when I was having a mini-panic at the contra dance because it was so loud, one of the organizers came up and asked if I wanted ear plugs. It was beautiful .
I would like more of this Wonderfully Orchestrated Ease, or whatever this is called.
Powers I want.
I want more of this remembering my glow, more palpably, more often, and I want to have zero qualms about distancing myself immediately from people or situations who are not good for my glow.
The Salve of Everything I Need Is Here For Me
This salve is a version of the superpower I had this week of the right people offering me rides, and ear plugs when I needed them.
This salve is made of equal parts Calm, Steadiness, Reassurance, Warmth, Trust and Spark-Filled Wonder. It smells of cloves and child-like awe.
As I massage the soles of my feet and the palms of my hands with it, I feel wonderfully cared for. I dip a finger in the jar and draw a heart on my heart with salve. I write LOVED on my forehead and the nape of my neck. There is a tenderness towards myself, because I know that this is what I have always needed.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is named for a place in Ohio:
Chagrin Falls
Their latest album comes by way of Jenny, it’s called Luckily It Was Only A Lion, and, of course, the band is just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT!
The gorgeous calendars are ready, and I believe there are only twenty left. You can find yours here. The password: sweetdoors
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
The hard: Tuesday I came down with the Plague, & y’all don’t need details on that. I am still recovering. I am cranky & bored & want to be better NOW.
The good: I am resting! I am taking care of myself! I am asking for help when it is needed! & because of all of this, I am getting better way faster than I might have otherwise!
So, yanno, it’ll do.
Ouch, even reading that description of your fall hurt, I’m so sorry!
Lots of love, and I wish you the quickest and most comfortable healing.
What worked?
Invoking Power and scheduling less things to do. Last week I had a work-related challenge that was bugging me, and it brought up how powerless I felt in the situation. After invoking Power along with my other qualities for the day, I solved the challenge and now it’s better. Yay! (Also, underlining Power with a glitter pen makes it a different form of power than we’re used to seeing from the men in the suits.)
Challenges:
~~~~~~~~~~~~
– I allowed the realization to come to me regarding a friendship. I don’t like the realization because it triggers my “bad friend” stuff and I don’t know how to proceed from here – should I say anything, should I just avoid contact, what happens when I run into their partner, who do I give the thing I’ve been meaning to give to them, so many questions.
– I looked at my Twitter stats and it appears that almost noone goes to read the posts I share (mine or other people’s). This was unpleasant, but also made me realize I can live without Twitter for a month.
– Spent two evenings in a row awake until 2AM, which meant getting up later than usual the following days, which meant my morning ritual got thrown out the window, which meant things went less than smoothly. I need to remember that no rationalizations about why I must stay awake longer, instead of finish the thing in the morning, are actually a good reason to stay awake.
– First day of period always knocks me down so hard. I missed a workshop I was looking forward to and stayed in bed.
– A random person said something mean to me on the internet, and it hurt. I immediately blocked them because this was not even “constructive criticism” but pure hate, and as rare as that happens, this still makes me wonder what sort of people do that, and how I can become the kind of person who brushes it off and doesn’t even feel a tiny bit hurt by it.
– The second day wasn’t very productive, either. Sigh. I need to remember this is how it works.
Celebrations:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
+ New insights regarding my secret mission, yay! The mission still needs a name, but now I know what I’ll be doing during it (sort of), and how I’ll manage the downsides of not being around on social media.
+ I completed that video intro that I’ve been meaning to do for months, and now it’s done! It’s not perfect because I’m a video animation noob, but it works for now.
+ On Period Day I actually intended to go to the workshop and spent an hour getting ready while feeling horribly ill, until I realized I don’t have to go. I can stay at home, even if this meant missing out and disappointing people. So I did. New levels of radical self care. Really glad about this decision.
+ Playing Story Cubes in a pub! Everyone who tried this game loved it, and I love it so much I’m making everyone I know play it. So much fun.
+ Made my first handmade sketchbook! I was totally winging it and invented a new bookbinding technique. The result looks pretty scrappy, but I’m still very proud.
+ Threw out a bunch of old drawings and paintings. I kept only a few that have sentimental value, and the rest went straight to recycling. Goodbye, old art ideas that I no longer want to act on. Goodbye, perspective practice – I always hated you, and will never do you again. Goodbye, colorful hippy attempts of some biggified person’s “intuitive art” method, you’re ugly and I don’t like you. Whoosh, goodbye!
+ One of the paintings I encountered while clearing had a message for me, and we meditated together until I received what I needed from it and felt complete. It was pretty profound and emotional, unlike anything I’ve experienced before with a painting. Then it went right along with the rest. Whoosh, goodbye!
The superpower I had this week: Asking The Right Questions. It was useful both when helping loved ones getting a grasp on a bad situation, as well as myself.
The superpower I want: feeling that what I have is enough, and what I am is enough.
Oh, and I have a fake band: The Sacred Space-Time Continuum.
They play songs about relativity using Tibetan singing bowls. And of course, it’s just one guy.
omg underlinig power with a glitter pen!!!
Havi: “My theme for the month is Glow More, and this is related to my mission of Unapologetically Taking Up Space, so of course all of my space issues are coming up.”
You’ve said stuff like this before, but today/this week, I finally *got* it. My huge issue lately has been how unlikeable/socially invisible I am, and while that may be a real thing in the world, increasingly I Just Don’t Care. Which means I’ve turned some kind of corner. Finally. Grateful for it.
Havi, I have total sympathy for your epic fall. Or is it empathy? I had my own epic followed weeks ago while jogging with the dogs, and then, when we were a block away from home, there were turkeys. Dogs went nuts.
—–
Anyway, eight breaths of hard:
One. My grad school staff person and professor both finally emailed me.
Two. I have 1 million things to grade and don’t want to.
Three. I injured my foot last weekend by running a lot further than I should have.
Four. I agree with happy. The game is rigged. Going back to school to get ahead, just put me in debt.
Five. I still don’t know what I’m going to say to my professor.
Six. I chickened out of asking for help.
Seven. And then I chickened out again.
Eight. And it seems like everyone in my program is taking their exams, but me. I keep putting them off. Because I’m over it.
Eight breaths for the good.
One. I drew. I set outside and scribbled squirrels as they ran around. It was good. Had drawn them forever.
Two. Puppy Cuddles!
Three. Had dinner with friends twice.
Four. Lots of walks.
Five. I bought myself a new journal and started writing in it again.
Six. [Silent retreat] 🙂
Seven. Gorgeous weather yesterday. Got to be outside for a little bit.
Eight. My students diaries were really good.
A hand on heart sigh for the missing. It hurts.
The Hard:
Undercurrent of dread and anxiety during trip north. Always convinced I’m doing horrible things wrong and the powers that be will find out and I’ll be [I don’t even know.] So hard and such a waste.
I backed into a moving car in a parking lot. The first time I’ve ever done that. I scared a girl on her way to high school. And the Police came. And it was in a strange small town where everyone was friends and I was the outsider.
I don’t know how to fix myself from this dread. Or even how to enjoy life while living with it and allowing it and making space for it. My outsides look to the world like things are fine. But the inside is not fine. How do people do this?
The Good:
I felt the anxiety down shift as I drove home. Like a fan on lower speed. For no reason. And then my brain could think “ok, maybe the horribleness you expected won’t come about.”
A nice lady knew and calmed the crying girl. And a nice sheriff said “this happens hundreds of times a day” and was calming. Which was good because the monsters were starting to think that maybe it was going to ruin my life. They listen to sheriffs. A thank you heart to the Contract Deputy.
The trip north was amazing. And our father is here to celebrate another year. A thank you heart for this one, too.
I had the thought that since I go from failure to failure anyway, maybe I could try doing it without a loss of enthusiasm. I heard a lady on the radio and she was rejected from 7 art schools and then went and became an artist anyway and got a Fulbright and all I could think was “what scaffolding is inside you that kept you upright?” And where do I get some?
I remembered the radical acceptance. And the unconditional yes. And I think those are what the scaffolding is built of.
heart-sigh!
Havi, I’m so glad your fall wasn’t more serious!
A breath for the achiness that may ensue, may it pass quickly!
May you have all the rest you need to recover!
****
For this week, the hard:
– Too much bogginess in the bog of (in this case) Internet distractability
– Ad trackers (the Game is Rigged)
– Mouse control requirements (I mean for real mice). It is now possible to spend over $4 just to get rid of a single mouse. Ridiculous! If they would stay outside permanently I would leave them alone, but we are not meant to share living quarters.
– More waiting for properly fitting contact lens.
The good:
– Teensy bit of progress made on financially-related iguana liberation operation. Any progress here is yay-worthy, so Yay!
– Did some journaling about this particular iguana and how we are plotting liberation. Many insights, many sparklepoints awarded.
– Spicy lamb biryani last night, yum.
Good night, chicken.
Dimanche shalom!
What worked? Accepting the shop’s suggestion. Because it turns out the friend for whom I bought the coloring book has been wanting one!
Next time I might: plan on the day off no matter how under the gun I am likely to feel. Devise a new mitt or net to field the corresponding flurries of Ludicrous Fear Popcorn Balls, as well as the Flying Fossilized Fruitcakes, which are harder than coals and messier than pinatas filled with jello shots.
Hard, draining, etc.
1. Feeling my considerable efforts on behalf of [a] have been neither perceived nor appreciated.
2. A gift didn’t reach a friend, and the bookstore has been neither friendly nor forthcoming about resolving the matter.
3. Finding out that a friend has been dealing both with cancer and caregiver shenanigans.
4. It’s become clear that I must drop [b] to get [c]. Ludicrous fear popcorn off the charts.
5. Having to cancel plans because of cluster!@#%.
6. Toilet stoppage *and* toilet leak.
7. Grooming the dog is quite the chore these days.
8. Things not coming to pass despite considerable strategizing and negotiating and grinding of wheels/teeth.
Good, satisfying, comforting…
1. Big brother recognized as National Teacher of the Year in his field!
2. Pushcart nomination!
3. Having the ratty black pants on hand for this morning’s chores … and then having enough confidence in the future to bin them.
4. The cyclamen plants are alive. The hollyhock seeds I sowed months ago appear to have sprouted at last.
5. A solution for the bathroom space issue just occurred to me!
6. Breakfast with my hiking partner. Her youngest child is an excellent cook, and the cauliflower leftovers I got to nosh on were outstanding.
7. I am fortunate to work in a field where my mop of blues and greens and black is not merely tolerated but encouraged.
8. Clean clothes, hot water, and a working car: I have these things, and I do not take them for granted.
9. Major project delivered and well received.
Commiserations on the ouchy and awkward and distressing.
Congratulations on the delightful and hopeful and sparkling.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
I am glad it is only bruises!
The hard:
– seasonal depression, ugh
– couldn’t stand on one leg, and cried about it
– waiting for the results of the election so we know what’s happening next
– we have been doing this ALL YEAR, with one election or another; no wonder everyone’s in such a foul mood
– everyone’s in such a foul mood
– second-guessing myself; always assuming that the worst possible interpretation of the facts must be the true one
– feeling like I’ve Done Nothing this week. Not true, and rest is important, but.
The good:
– daylight lamp improves things immensely. Next year try turning it on much earlier. Hilary says August.
– it’s nearly Advent! Lots of other things to look forward to this week, as well
– I bought the most amazing jacket
– and some hardback Swallows and Amazons books, mostly with dustjackets (although still not Swallows and Amazons itself)
– and yesterday a box of treasure came in the post (thank you, past me who knew I’d want cheering up in November)
– making chutney, and pierniczki
– haircut
Happy chicken, all of you!
[Really want to comment — I guess this is a comment. Going back to being a beloved lurker now.]
The hard: the game is so, so rigged. It is especially apparent any time I have to travel somewhere or finish a major work thing (which, for some terrible reason, often coincide).
The good: Instead of being frustrated that The Game is Rigged (so rigged!), I made self-care decisions all over the place this week. So much napping! So many hot toddies! So much love in choosing to take care of future me (who will likely be pretty depleted from travel + family) instead of grinding my gears at work! Also, I am grateful to Havi for ‘The Game is Rigged’ movement (? ‘movement’ may not be the right word) and for all the folks here who are making changes in their lives to stop participating in this rigged game…there are many points of light out there, no matter how dark thing sometimes seem.
I also had a spark of recognition with the superpower of ‘People Generously Offering Me The Exact Thing I Need’, and it is also related to the challenge of ‘glow more’ for November. When I am glowing, people can really see me. Normally, this is terrifying (to me, at least), but a strange thing has happened since I have started to practice ] glowing more, taking up more space, proudly wearing my crown: when people can see me at full glow, it seems like they notice when I am NOT at full glow. They ask the right questions and then I feel safe enough that I can be brave about asking for the things that I need, right when I need them (or, sometimes, as in the post, someone will just offer the very thing! with perfect timing!). It is so much easier to return to full glow from say, 75% glow than from total burnout, and such a difference from the isolation and destructive narratives that lead to total burnout (i.e. I can’t let anyone see how I’m doing / can’t ask for help / simultaneously, I expect my people to notice that I need help no matter what and also figure out what kind of help I need). Glowing More leads to More Glowing – this is a delightful truth to remind myself through the end of the year.
<3 amen to all this
First – sending black tourmaline energy on soft moonbeams for anyone who’d like them. I know it probably sounds contradictory in terms of energies but it *feels* super-yum to me! <3
================
THE GOOD:
1) I realized Friday night that I hadn't used my Rosetta Stone membership more than 5-6 times in this entire year. I've already paid for it & have a full two years remaining on this subscription, but knew I really didn't truly want to learn Spanish. I'd signed up for Spanish b/c I've already taken 3 years of it, The Girl has taken 5 years of it, and we live in Florida for pete's sake. I should know Spanish better by now. Friday I realized that the "should" isn't good enough anymore & what my heart has longed for for the past 5-6 years is Italian. All things Italian (and Greek!). I reached out & the folks at RS made an exception for me (I think b/c they saw that I really hadn't been using it!) and changed my subscription over to Italian!! This created a tiny pinprick of light to show up in what had been a life beginning to feel fairly dark and muted!! YAY LIGHT!
2) That same evening I realized that my longing to play the violin wasn't going to go anywhere, and I gave myself permission to pursue the idea in whatever way(s) feel best. My son is a beginner with the violin & I see him practicing and long for it even more. Today I researched beginning violins and pricing. I may order one this week! (Another pinprick of light, you guys! It is starting to feel less claustrophobic in here!)
3) Last night I was going through my music (looking for any strings music I have ;-)) and came across some old songs that I used to listen to years ago. You know how hearing a certain song can take you, immediately, back to that time in your life? This totally did that so I started looking up videos re: how to do the 'Neon Moon' line dance. This led to practicing (very carefully in the very narrow office space!) this dance & getting back into the feel of moving my body this way (HEAVEN!), which led to looking up other dances. SO MUCH FUN! I kind of can't believe I'd forgotten how much I loved dancing & how it made me feel at home in my skin like nothing else had (or has since). Yet another pinprick here. If I keep this up, the color will all come back before I know it!
4) I received a book & the planners (yes, plural) that I'd ordered and they are even better than I'd hoped, somehow!
5) We went to the beach today for lunch & it felt good to feel the sea breeze and breathe in the ocean air. The hazelnut latte afterwards didn't hurt either.
6) I am feeling TONS better finally.
7) I started finally using Havi's Stone Skipping Cards (which I'd wanted desperately for so long and then had put away with all of my other cards for some reason this whole year!). I pull a new one each time it feels like I'm ready, and it sits on my desk to remind me of the question, and somehow the question (or comment) is *always* perfect. I'm not sure how that happens but here's to the magick that allows for it!
THE HARD:
1) I thought that having my own business was a great self-development (fluency?) situation… but didn't realize that going back to full-time (outside) employment would be every bit as helpful (hard). It is. I keep seeing myself and kind of bumping into myself over and over. This is really actually a GOOD thing, but tends to feel pretty hard in the moment… especially when it impacts other people around me.
2) I have had a 'baby' migraine all weekend. For all the years I've been getting migraines I have never had one last more than one day, until now. It sucks. Seriously.
3) It's been way too warm for being November. I know this about Florida, and still – every single year – I struggle with it. I want to know how to accept it and not struggle with it any more. The struggle (suffering) sucks too.
4) Feeling like everything is muted / faded / muffled for the past two plus weeks.
5) Being so exhausted every evening that I am in bed somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30 each night (and all the guilt etc… that then goes along with that for various reasons). This feels like it's related to #4 but I haven't been sure how to start shifting it and whether it was within my control or related to hormones etc…
6) Excess sound / scents / lights hurting me & making me sick… plus other people not understanding and / or thinking that I'm making it up or "It's just in your head". Ugh.
7) Realizing that I actually am *not* cut out for working at an office and/or for someone else, but feeling stuck, for lots of reasons, right now.
===============
Thank you for this space. Giant hugs all around (unless you don't dig hugs, in which case I send you a love-filled gentle gaze).
<3
Taking a breath in the midst of a busy weekend! It’s beginning to wind down now.
A thing that worked this week: typing my chicken comment at a desktop computer instead of on my smartphone. I do so much internet stuff on my phone these days, I forget how good it feels to type at a real keyboard!
A thing I may try next week: Playing with ways to Rally where I am, while I’m doing the things that I do — in other words, playing with ways to live Rally. Like a fairground stripper, because why not?
A hard thing from this week: I suddenly realized that my daughter and I have choral concerts on the same night, so we won’t be able to attend each other’s performances. 🙁
A good thing from this week: unexpected windows of spaciousness, and the freedom to explore.
I now invoke all the superpowers of Code Name: Agent Zazie!
<3 <3 <3
Speaking of The Game is Rigged, I turned down an interview for a job this morning that seemed right in every way, except the travel time was an hour longer (even longer) a day than my current one. I listened to a dream that I had last night, over society’s expectations and my colleagues.
Even though the monsters are tearing their hair out right now, I tell myself that I’m unrigging the game, one ‘No’ at a time. And I’m liking it.
xx Katie.
P.S. I’m glad you weren’t injured Havi.
<3<3<3
Chicken:
The hard – a sense of lack of progress. Like I know what to do and should be DOING it already.
And then the voice telling me – look at the progress you’ve made already and I’m saying I know I know but not really believing it
Knowing when I am avoiding something I am closing down my openness to a whole range of other things as well, making me small and tight
And this week I am resisting something that is so unclear to me, that the only sign it is happening is that I’ve bitten the nails on my left hand(only) to the quick. I’ve been prodding around to see what hurts from the usual suspects but haven’t come up with a definite diagnosis yet.Monsters just keep throwing other “usual suspects” in the way to distract me and its working.
Weekends – have been hibernating and resting and that is good, but feel I might be hiding. Need to set up some triggers to check whether thats the case
The good
The yoga and meditation in the morning has been consistent and powerful. Maybe an extra 10 minutes would leave room for more relaxed breakfast after making kids’ breakfasts and lunches.
<3 <3 <3 falling in love all over again. He says, “you know what we can do in this place next summer? We can cook dinner, and eat outside in the backyard on a blanket, and lie awake talking and watch the stars come out. And we can do this over, and over, and over…”
Unprecedented levels of self trust.
Eggs, potatoes & bacon lunch, all home grown!!!
bright hopes
Hahahahahaha the website just lost track the Hard in my week and left only the Good. Maybe I can too!
Happy Monday and cluck! Much love to everyone.
I have not been chickening or wishing lately because all of my process felt like it would taker pages and pages. so much going on, and lots of weird unexpected serious stuff in the mix.
The most significant events lately:
-I named November the moon of stillness and gentle movements, and it has been.
-i have decided that the alamanac page in the Book of Me for November should be: STOP. I wore myself out by Halloween and was in a really bad place soon after. the thought to do 1 thing or less per weekend is the best idea ever
-doing less is harder than I think
-doing less can include pulling out all the art supplies and just playing. it was hard at first to say no to the invites that popped up right after i set this intetion, but i stuck to it, and treasure! this past weekend i was able to work on soemthing i wanted to spend time with, and did not even leave the house on sunday, all of which i call a victory
-so many of my friends are taking prolonged breaks from [some form of identity-heavy labor] and finding immeduiate treasure. i feel like i’m playin and working thru the Book, but i am not at all engaged in writing it right now. this is so loaded for me
-so many reasons to be grateful including lots of little moments of ease and supprt: free lunch, help with cherise, progress on projects that brings the eneergy back up and moves everything forward.
A lot of my Hogwarts classes and FluentSelf capers are fractal-flowers, and I’ve gotten lots of treasure from their fractaling. Invoking Superpowers has been very helpful this week, because Everything is working out Perfectly, so there’s lots of added ease and congruence, unexpected support and real time evidence about right timing and now is not then.
Allowing decisions to land has also been very instructive. When I decided that November is the month of 1 thing or less, so much ease and permission came in, and thru it, I feel the Well refilling. That’s how I was able to happily vote for not leaving the house this weekend and it was the right answer in every way. It’s also how, when I was getting stressed about T’giving weekend, I was able to look at the invites, the calendar and the weather report, and the decision landed and was inked in before I could even object.
For a few years I’ve been working on sustainability, which is a huge ass word and scary to boot. small successes but nothing systemic or transformative yet. it’s been slow, but knowing The Game is Rigged has opened up this concept for me, helped me focus on what that means and what I can truly do in light of it, and offered up so much agency and permission, when I could feel myself too paralyzed to make better choices.
I can’t attend [Holiday Capers] but knowing they are happening brings me sooooo much joy and hope. So much that I wrote out, Black Friday will be my own personal mini-Rally, before I knew what I was doing. I plan onn staying home thurs and fri, then getting a facial on sat. The way these decisions landed is nothing short of miraculous.
the sucks:
-the news
-derailments in the form of a snow day and car trouble related to the snow day. last week was frustrating
-another $400 repair for the car, another month of not zeroing out my credit card
-the constant failure at White Flwoers
-midlife bullshit
-Operation Saffron needs to increase speed by a factor of 10. I need to eat better every day, including fresh juice very morning.
but overall, the 30Days of Gratitude practice has got me counting blessings and not burdens:
-setting up 1Thing or Less has felt like pure love, and so much treasure has come from the stillness
-including a day of pulling out ALL the art supplies and just being creative for 2 days.
-a new manuscript to edit
-a 5 day weekend when I really needed it, and so much love for FutureMe for insisting on facials, naps, declining invites etc
-the treasure of a re-filling Well
-so much sweetness with my husband. we have had roguh times int he past but right now we’re seriously crushing on each other and it’s pretty awesome
-the kids are doing well, knock wood
-the transit into Sagitarrius, omg the relief. also feeling the shift out of the deep dark of Scorpio into the lighter time of Advent. joy to be feeling this so acutely
-Hogwarts! lots of classes (I want a time-turner) but it’s all good, and I can feel my skills improving.