Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
It is Friday and we are here.
With the glorious (glorrrrrrrrrrrious!) return of the wham boom.
What worked?
Being Roxy.
At Rally (rally!) this week, I decided my name was Roxanne. So everyone called me Roxy. I was also Roxy while not physically at Rally. I was Roxy all the time.
It turns out the Roxy is Assertive Me.
It also turns out that Roxy is completely different from me (in ways other than being assertive), and that was fun.
Roxy had us chop three inches off our hair, and now we look like Kelly McGillis in Top Gun.
Roxy wanted her nails painted and it had to happen right that minute. She didn’t have time for me to turn over all the bottles and read the names. I like the name of the color to mean something to me. Roxy wanted a rich and sparkling copper and didn’t even look to see what it was called.
Roxy turned a long tank top into a dress. She wore horizontal stripes (red and white), and long necklaces. She didn’t want to use any of my music for the Compelling Spirals at Rally. She wanted Maneater by Hall and Oates. And hip hop. Of course she did.
Roxy pointed out why all the [things that are not working] are not working. It’s because I am trying to placate people and give them what I think they want, instead of figuring out what I want. Roxy wants me to start acting like I care about what I want.
Being Roxy was the best.
Schmooey anagrams.
Schmoonagrams!
I had all this typing up to do and didn’t want to do it.
Here is the cutest-ever anagram for Typing It Up:
Tiny Pug Tip.
A google image search for Tiny Pug Tip revealed a wall of sweetness. Every time I had to type a thing up, I looked at these pictures and went SCHMOO SCHMOO SCHMOO because these are the cutest little schmoos ever.
I really don’t mind doing a little Tiny Pug Tip. That is so much more fun than [Typing It Up].
Being a spy.
Wearing the shirt that says RIDE and features a bicycle (even though I don’t have a bicycle), and carrying a camera bag that doesn’t have a camera in it (I don’t have a camera either). I was in disguise in disguise in disguise…
Next time I might…
Ask the important question. Roxy’s question.
I did lots of things I didn’t want this week, mostly because I thought I should, or I assumed I would want it and didn’t check in to see if I actually did in that moment.
What do I want?
This needs to be the first question. Roxy thinks it’s the only question. What do I want?
Even if I can’t immediately act on it. At least I know. And I will also know what the qualities are, so that I can bring them to the things I don’t want that I am doing anyway.
Patience.
Even though this is my twenty-fifth or twenty-sixth Rally, I still forget how it takes over my life.
I expect myself to still be able to do things like …laundry. But it doesn’t work that way.
Forgiveness and patience. Less blame. Less expectation. More acknowledging that Rally is a big wonderful shaking-up-of-everything, and should be treated as such.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The dance class I took that was supposedly for Absolute Beginners, which turned out to mean “people who have had years of formal training in dance but maybe not with this particular method”. A breath for Outsider Complex and the distress of not being sure what to do or how to do it.
- Gathering. Lots of being around people or in groups of people. Not at Rally, this totally works for me at Rally. Other situations. A breath for being a highly sensitive person who has trouble in gatherings.
- Learning how to be assertive. A breath for bravery and for the pain of regret.
- The headache that would not go away all week. A breath for dealing with heavy things.
- The massive pile I’ve been avoiding for six months, and the fear of iguanas hiding within. A breath for this.
- There was not a lot of room (in all the meanings of that word) for yoga this week, and this was hard on both my body and my mental state. A breath for remembering that it’s all yoga.
- Big doubt about being The Reluctant Chocolatier. Knowing there has to be another option but not being able to figure out what it is. A breath for feeling deeply unsure.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The dance class I took (while very much not for Absolute Beginners) reaffirmed my love of dance, play, creativity and aliveness. I liked pretending to be a radiant sun. I still do not know what the instruction “feel the movement of your spine in the skin of your ears” means, and I am not sure about my hilariously experimental post-modern pirouettes, but I feel good about taking my body to play. A breath for delight and play, and for remembering that Outsider Complex is a distortion that separates me from other people, who are all experiencing the same distortion in their own ways.
- My wonderful uncle Svevo spent the weekend with me, and while I didn’t get to spend nearly as much time with him as I wanted to, it was so beautiful having him there. A breath of joyful appreciation.
- While I am not a fan of gathering, I got to gather with all my favorite people. A breath for companionship and love.
- Rally!!! Rally is so damn great. A breath for magic.
- All the amazing things that happened at Rally! The giant pile that I’ve been avoiding for six months got taken care of in less than a day! Huge realizations. Problem-solving. Laughter. Everything is good again. A breath for miracles.
- Being Roxy. Discovering these aspects of me that I did not know about. Also I was Assertive (the intention I set for Rally) in dealing with an Encroacher, and it worked. Their encroachment plans were FOILED, and I stood up for myself, and I do not even know how to explain what a big deal this is. A breath of appreciation and delight .
- Being loved. A breath for that.
- Thanks to something that happened at Rally, I am no longer upset about a thing I have been upset about for nearly two years. A breath for releasing.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed:
The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this thing is done! It is often shortened to wham-boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.
Undercover: The Great ReBorking
Mission: Songs of the Sea
Operation A of A
Orientation Agent Agent
List of Things That Used Be Done By Havi That Now Anyone Can Do
This week’s Mission I Have A Vision, Pre-emptively
Operation Iguanarama
The Richard Brautigan Wing of Fascinating Scraps in the Museum of Bells
WHAM BOOM!
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpowers of Persistence, Curiosity, wearing horizontal stripes, knowing what I wanted.
Also the superpower of nachos.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of having brilliant ideas and recognizing them. The superpower of starting from what I want instead of hoping that I maybe eventually end up there at some point.
Salve.
The salve of quietly radiating your power.
It is like an internal hum that is also a sun. Not just solar plexus but the entire torso, the entire core, radiating out to the extremities. And this sun radiates whatever it is you crave. For example: Assertiveness, in my case. Or Sweetness or Comfort or Spaciousness or Shelter or whatever it is you need.
Then you are a radiant sun of that quality, so that it is there for you when you need it. Instead of contracting and contracting because of [life-stuff]. You radiate first, before you need it.
This salve starts that process. It smells like a minty tea. It is slightly warm to the touch. It glows.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is via Richard:
Mustache Alignment Problems
This is obviously a local band — they make Portlandian noise.
And yes. It’s just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
You guys you guys you guys!
There is a STANDBY list for Rally (Rally!)
If you have the availability to come at the last minute, we occasionally have deals so get on the list.
Rally B is full, but get on the list so we can sneak you into a November Rally. Also, I was supposed to miss one of the November Rallies but things moved around, and I will be rallying it up for all of them!
AND. If you know people in Portland and you can help spread the word about our Red Rose Ballroom or help do that on facebook, that would be hugely appreciated!
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Of course, an Alias for A Rally!
The hard:
Giving up. Noticing the giving up as a habit.
Discomfort, which maybe is a giving up of the idea that I can (and mostly) feel vibrant.
Tomatoes gone bad (a proxy and not).
The good:
Remembering last week’s delight. Love in all forms. Completion. Stretching a la me.
Picturing a lack of clutter.
A dream interpretation that was a little aha!
Sharing my self-disappointment transformed it into a little witticism, if not the about-face I wanted.
The word “little” making everything cute and Shirley Temple.
Making a list, which turned out to be less scary than I thought.
Haha, yes, an ALIAS. Brilliant! Also it turns out the Roxy is short for PROXY! 🙂
I’ve been looking so forward to hearing about rally! Hooray!
Well October is Muchness! So let’s go:
sucky and unworkable:
-not being able to shift AM Calyx and I KNOW it would solve so freaking much
-discomfort over Situation A and Completely Unrelated Situation B.
-no progress on Securing the Stronghold since i Projectized it. hmmph
-flying shoes and other bullshit from A.
but so much good to:
-doing lots of journaling, it’s really helping
-making good food, so awesome in so many ways
-crunching thru a bunch ofstuff at work, making a real dent and getting somehwre
-no hip pain, full mobility–so grateful
-lots of moments this week of breathing and humming into a best outcome and there it was, unexpected gifts and supprt
-being the new moon, i did a Spangly revue on last lunation, and wow did Projectizing it help! espeically setting up a Compass for the month in ritual space.
Cheers Chickeneers, and Happy Chickening to all! Tiny pugs are so adorable, thank you for the anagram and the wall of pugs! My dog Charlie is not a pug, but he is such a sweet, loyal, furry being of unconditional love.
This was the week of Things Turning Out Very Differently But Really It Works This Way.
What worked? Not forcing myself to do a thing I thought I “should” do, but wasn’t feeling. It’ll happen when it needs to, or whatever.
Believing in Right Timing.
Giving myself permission to close tabs once they start to feel “stale”.
Changing my place to change my luck.
Tiny spurts of Shiva Nata that seem like they couldn’t actually “count”, but that are making everything better.
What might I try? Talk to the version of me who knows more about what’s going on when I plan something and then blatantly disregard it without even checking in. I feel like I’m doing it knowingly, but I don’t quite know why.
And looking at the Art of Embarking and the class on time again. It’s…time. WOMP WOMP
Eight Breaths of Hard/Challenging/Painful:
-Money situation is terrifying. I’m doing the best I can to seek solutions from a place of abundance rather than lack, because I have a lot of evidence that shows that this will get me easier and better solutions. A breath of trust.
-Anxiety on Monday about work revue. Surprise, my boss did not have a single bad word to say about me! A breath of softness.
-Pellet patterns. A breath of forgiveness.
-Even though so many good, delightful things have happened/are happening, this week I remembered about how much old pain I still have to process. A breath of legitimacy.
-Things that I want to happen, but that I never get around to doing. A breath for Being Where I’m At.
-Technology fails. A breath for frustration.
-The ridiculousness that is the US Congress right now. seriously?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!? A breath for the unknown.
-A breath for all the other hard things of this week, big and small. And the ones that I’ve been avoiding.
Eight Breaths of Good/Joy/Delight/Healing:
+I spend last weekend at a place called Avalon. Which was as magical as the name implies. I did kitchen wench duty, drank tea and ate gluten-free toast with all the nut butters, attended a party in a white bathrobe and nothing else, reminisced about middle school, and soaked in mineral pools for many hours.
+Lots of writing
+Even though the dineros situation is so hard, I’m having more and more moments of trust that It Will Be OK.
+I got to see one of my students from last year, and it was such a joy to see how much she’s grown, and to hug her and hear her excited voice calling my name.
+Even though I have this story in my head about all these times and instances and ways that I don’t get the things that I need, or not enough of them, or not the right kind, I am getting more of my needs met than any time I can consciously remember. And I’m the one that’s meeting them.
+I love so many things about this time of year. Falling brilliantly colored leaves, the winds that bring them down, pumpkin everything, hot tea, golden late afternoon light, Halloween (not yet, but it’s coming), and then my birthday, needing to wear a jacket or a hoodie and sometimes my super hot fingerless gloves…fall is the best.
+My Facebook experiment is going ways I didn’t expect, and it’s fun!
+I worked as a substitute, and the entire shift was joyful, even though I got only driving time between jobs. I flailed and danced with a group of elementary school girls who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. What a miracle, when you meet people you can just make an instant connection with.
I’ll take a Mason jar-ful of that salve. Nature hates a vacuum, and that’s why you never see her doing housework.
Oh God, this week.
The Hard and its Cluster of Subsidiary Hards That Eclipsed All the Other Hard: Husband on motorcycle –> collision with minivan –> shattered leg and ankle.
The Good: He’s pretty much okay above the knee. And so many good friends are already helping out. And Past Me made some Absolutely Correct Calls in terms of making it now possible for me and these others to see to his needs now. We are so fortunate.
Sending my gratitude to the universe and its powers that be, and sending warm wishes to all y’all.
Not a bad week, but a long week. I am very tired.
What worked: Going with the flow.
Next time: I would like to listen more.
Hard: Falling down the stairs, and being bruised and sore and a bit shaky for days afterward.
Good: Being kind to myself.
This week’s superpower: Smelling good. This may not sound like much of a superpower, but it was remarkably effective.
Next week’s superpower: Sparkling energy.
Schmooo is my favorite word ever. That is all.
THANK GOODNESS this week is over. A breath for enduring.
What Worked:
Disconnecting. Disengaging. Remembering that not everything needs a response.
Going to find my people – the writers. Cup filled back up.
Buying books. Reading books.
Getting the mail. Not a proxy.
Going to meetings. More of my people. And being able to just sit and listen.
The Difficult:
Stormy brain. So believable at the time not even notes that say “don’t believe it” work. Maybe acknowledge the storm and just hide in the storm cellar until it passes instead of thinking I should stand in the middle of it or say “there is no storm here” while cows and cars fly past.
Being in my stuff over things friends said. Which were crappy in general, but still, I was so in my stuff. And feeling so self-rightous in my stuff.
Job things. Criticism of my efforts.
The Delightful:
New clients. New possibilities.
People helpful enough to critique my efforts.
This gray day which means book-reading is acceptable.
Tiny pug tips! Shmoo! Happy conclusion to the week!
Oh, week, week, week. What can I say about you?
My thumb is broken and that limits what I can do, so naturally I want to do all the things that I need the thumb for! Frustration, but also recognizing that as part of a pattern. On the plus side, I get to tell people that I fell out of an airplane!
I want changes in my house but I don’t know what changes I want, and I don’t want to make them or to live through the process of changing things. Can’t they just magically happen?
My Rally-at-Home project was about rituals. So much food for thought.
Lots of reading this week. I love my books!
Recognizing that the huuuuge iguana of TOT is still there and needs to be dealt with … it is sucking the oxygen out of other things that I want to feel good about.
Oh nooooo broken thumb! And yes, falling out of an airplane is a very intriguing sentence! <3