Oh, the art of avoiding answering direct questions. I find it thrilling, fascinating and exceedingly difficult.
Aside from answering a question with another question, and mastering the art of quick subject changes, it’s hard to know what say, other than Awkward Stuttering.
My goal is to eventually be able to pick and choose from a selection of responses that:
- are not rude and not boring
- do not actually share personal information
- allow me to change the subject quickly and easily.
Not there yet. But I’m playing.
And I’m playing by messing around and inventing ridiculous answers — that I don’t actually currently have the balls to give — to my five least favorite questions.
Well, the five that don’t have to do with how come I’m not moving to Bolivia.
My five current Least Favorite Questions.
#5. What are you doing for [insert holiday]?
Of course people are just being polite and making conversation. It’s sweet.
The thing is, I don’t actually like most holidays. And I don’t want to talk about why. Or about my plans or lack thereof. So I get flustered.
#4. Where are you from?
Amna has already summed up why this is such a distressing question.
And a complicated one for me personally to answer, even without the leftover outsider complex from having had a foreign accent in every language that I speak.
#3. What’s your name?
Okay. I realize this one is a completely innocuous question.
But. I have a really unusual name. And at cafes — or wherever people ask for your name so they can yell it out to get your attention, I feel uncomfortable.
Especially with the “internet famous” thing. If 30,000 people are reading this, at least some of them are in Portland. Maintaining anonymity is a big deal for me.
#2. What do you do?
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Why should I have to know that? I’m doing it right now. It pays the bills, I have fun, why do I have to define it?
#1. People pay for that?
This question is more funny than annoying, since this blog supports our entire household.
But I hate the idea of my people being asked this when they’re still experimenting with figuring out their thing, before they’re in the position to find hostile questions laughable.
Anyway.
My goal is to be able to smile, take a breath, say something, and then ask a curious, interested question that allows for a change in subject. It’s my practice. But right now I’m just being silly.
Here we go.
“What are you doing for Thanksgiving (or holiday of choice)?”
Giving thanks.
Jam.
Being exceptional.
Playing Twister.
Watching people eat pie.
Have you ever ridden in a hot air balloon?
“Where are you from?”
Here.
A pirate ship.
I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to say.
“What’s your name?”
Singapore.
Valentine’s Day.
Harmonica.
Subliminal.
The Captain.
Surprise!
Blueberry.
Smurf.
Swoosh.
Twiglet.
“What do you do for a living?”
I play with dolls.
I wear costumes.
I talk to monsters. I collect monsters. I design monster choreographies.
I run a preschool. No, a secret preschool. No, a secret preschool for grownups.
I think about muffins. I’m a spy. I do things by proxy.
I have a secret benefactor. I am a secret benefactor. I like the word benefactor.
I whisper to plants. I am a product placement. I swim through air.
Do? I try not to do things.
I hide. I’m a professional hider. Yes, from things. But also hiding things from others.
I’m so sorry. I never tell anyone what I do.
I tell people about my dreams. Yes, they are very interesting dreams. No, I won’t tell you. That service is only available for paying customers.
I build castles. In the air.
I run away.
Oh, this and that.
“Do people pay you for that?”
There is only one answer to this that I know of, aside from laughing so hard you cry:
You’d be surprised.
And then you ask them what they’re doing for Thanksgiving. Kidding. But change the subject. Quickly.
And the not very zen comment zen for today.
We’re having fun today.
Anyone who is not capable of playing, or recommends resources for learning how to craft an elevator pitch, or variations on the tired “I help [target market X] [solve problem Y]” does not get to play.
I’m serious. Solving the problem is not the point. The point is play.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff. That’s what allows us to play.
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ooooooooooo…I so resonate with this post, but from both sides.
I am a dedicated practitioner of the covert lifestyle. And not only is my name out of the common way, it’s also a word that makes some people very uncomfortable. Some people simply have a mental block to saying my name. So it’s not only trying to communicate what my name is, it’s also preparing myself from a flinch, a recoil.
But recently I’ve gotten over it, especially in restaurant situations. I figure, let ’em deal with it.
And most holidays rub me the wrong way–I dislike anytime I have to feel a certain way. Be happy, or else.
But on the question “Where are you from?”–oh lord, forgive me. I grew up in a place with only 2 ethnicities, only 2 religions (Baptist or Methodist, take your pick), and maybe a total of 5 different last names. So when I meet someone who doesn’t fit into those parameters, I’m insanely curious. I automatically know this is going to be an interesting person. For me, if you are ethnically different, that is your pet kangaroo. I know, I know it’s a wrong, rude question to ask. And @Amna, when I read your post, I just cringed. It fit me to a tee.
I keep trying to do better with not asking that question, but please know that most of the people asking it have the best intentions.
Funny…but not…I’m feeling really sad about this post. Questions – unwanted questions – are still often (though not always) just someone’s way of trying to get closer…even if only a tiny bit closer through what they consider a “safe” avenue.
Yeah, I’m sick of people asking how the business is going. I second guess every intention of that question. But how much sadder if no one cared.
I once asked a writer what his new book was about. I asked because another writer friend and I had just worked on this amazing performance piece and I was keen to know what others in our social group were creating. His response was so rude that I have never forgotten. I was truly interested, but he was tired of the question. It was something he was passionate about. I was trying to honor him and find out more about him. I certainly was not trying to pry nor was I trying to be trite.
I get that we all have our space issues and that many of these questions are loaded. I have my own list of loaded questions. But I also know that sometimes I just want to get to know someone better and I don’t know the right questions to ask.
So here’s to the funny, the absurd, and the sad because communicating is just hard.
The question that I love to hate for years (you know, since I got married 6 years ago) has been “so, when are you having kids?” Or, as I hear it “Are you guys ever gonna grow up and procreate already?”
I come up with all sorts of fun answers (stars next to the ones I’ve ACTUALLY used)
Children? I have a husband to raise.
* Well, we were thinking that sometime next decade would be good.
* Actually, we’ve been trying for years, thanks for bringing up that terribly painful subject. (I used this one rather inappropriately on an older woman at church who had met me twice and decided that I was “wasting” my life “being a career woman.” Her words, not mine. We weren’t actually trying, but I wanted to get my point across that it was not okay for her to ask this question after knowing me for less than 15 minutes.)
We’re thinking of getting a puppy.
* I volunteer with other people’s children. That’s a pretty effective form of birth control. (which seamlessly changes the subject to our volunteer efforts)
And now that we are starting a family, I get asked all the time “so what are you gonna do about your business?” as if having a baby should be the end of all career aspirations (or the end of all money making ventures for me as a mother.) The answers I’ve come up with so far:
* Keep running it (with a bewildered expression that I would ever think of not doing what I do).
Outsource it.
Start a special, you can get your drawings from me and the baby spit-up on the comes free.
* Did you know that the amniotic fluid changes flavors 30 minutes after you eat a meal. My kid could get addicted to chocolate before birth! (very effective subject changer)
But my favorite thing to say to people who are genuinely asking is that I’m honestly tired of answering that question and can we please talk about college football instead. That answer allows me to be honest, speak my mind, and communicate effectively my need to talk about something other than babies or the lack thereof in my life.
Thanks for the great post about communication boundaries.
oh i love this so much! i never gave myself permission to just NOT WANT TO ANSWER annoying questions! so i get all jammed up, defensive, aggressive a tiny bit perhaps! and it could be so much easier, because the magic is in the quick change of topic! yes! i start tomorrow! and by the way, my name at cafes is always ‘Tiger’. makes people laugh.
We both like the Captain best. I think Blueberry is a good runner-up.
I may vote for Twiglet, though, because it’s fun to day.
How I answer the “what’s your name” question:
“I’m Blue. Except my other name is Nicole. And my band’s name is Hello, The Future, which is also just me. AND I’m HelloTheFuture on Twitter.”
Surprisingly this works. 🙂
Clearly the First Mate needs to book @Blue to play live at the Meme Beach House. #justonegirl
That’s a fine group of irritating questions you’ve got there. The best way I’ve found to avoid them is to ask them something first. Preemptive conversation directing. Of course, I’m usually not nearly so on the ball for that.
#4. Where are you from?
I don’t read ulterior motives into this one so it doesn’t bother me. And I have had people think I was foreign based on my apparently? unusual accent/speech. You want to think I’m exotic in some way? Go for it.
My ex-fiancee was (in retrospect) hilariously cagey about where she was from in college. The usual drilldown: “East.” “New England.” “Connecticut.” “South of Hartford.” “By the Connecticut River.” “Near Old Saybrook.”
#3. What’s your name?
I dislike saying my own name, so I’m with you here. Also kinda don’t like it when my parents refer to me by name for waitstaff’s sake. Sort of like giving out the power of my true name to strangers for free. Not that I’m a mystical creature or anything…
Doesn’t stop me from giving either of my parents names to maitre’d’s instead of mine though. 😉
#2. What do you do?
Gaaaaaah is right. Made worse because when it’s asked, I realize I forgot to preempt it by asking them something instead.
Not hugely playful, I apologize.
oh yes let’s play!
where are you from?
my usual answer:
Connecticut.
No where are you REALLY from?
Southwestern Connecticut.
But RREALLYYYYY where are you from?
(at this point I give up and tell them what they want to know) my father is from India.
AHhhhh! (and they are much relieved)
better answers that I can think of when I’m not flustered:
the vineyards
somewhere east of the sun and west of the moon
the forest–I’m part dryad
the end of the earth
@Jude: you’re in Maine! Me too. And no advance planning here either. In fact, a drastic lack of advance planning. Best compliment I’ve gotten here: you’re almost a Mainer.
What do you do?
I write for a living.
I talk about sex.
I midwife beauty.
What are you doing for (holiday)?
Sitting in a tree fort.
Reading a whole book all the way through. Including the footnotes. I like the footnotes the best, don’t you? (dumbfounded silence)
knitting toad socks.
Petting the cat.
Tarot readings.
Chop wood, carry water.
What’s your name?
At a restaurant I give the name of my dining companion.
Even if I’m with a guy.
🙂
thanks, Havi. I always forget to think about these things when I’m NOT flustered.
“What do you do for a living?”
I’m not sure, do you know?
Wait, I’m supposed to be making a living?
I am famous on the internet.
I used to make a living, but now I make a life.
Cheesecake.
Now I think I’ll go eat some actual cheesecake. Only I don’t have any, so it will have to be ice cream masquerading as cheesecake.
Oh! That gives me another answer:
I redefine desserts for my own amusement.
I’m laughing about this fantastic post, Havi, and about the particular genius of your commenter mice.
When someone asks my name and I tell them, every so often he (it’s usually a he, for some reason) will then say, “Oh? What’s your REAL name?” to which I WANT to reply, “Laura Ingalls,” but I don’t because my inner-LauraIngalls stops me. Pa!
NOW, however, I have the perfect retort, courtesy of @Tara:
Yo Mama. (smile)
Frankly, I doubt I will ever utter this aloud either, but thinking about how hilarious and out-of-character it would be will get me through it, should it happen again.
And @Jenia, I absolutely concur that The Fluent Self is “an online philosophy resource.” 🙂
I’m realizing that there aren’t many questions that annoy me… at least, it isn’t the questions themselves that annoy me, but rather the person asking the question. One lady in particular is immediately coming to mind; she has a way of asking that just comes off as very rude and nosy and judgmental 🙁 Other people can ask the same question and I don’t mind in the least.
The only two questions that routinely bother me are “How are you doing?” (when asked by someone who obviously doesn’t care and really doesn’t want an answer) and “Where do I know you from?”
That last one is the probably the only question that will always annoy me. Likely because it’s pretty much always followed up by a staring silence as they wait for me to tell them where, exactly, they know me from (how am I supposed to know?!)
I used to try to answer, but how can I possibly guess? Sometimes they don’t even actually know me from anywhere, I just look like someone they met once years ago /sigh
So maybe some new answers?
“Well, I was just released from a stint in San Quentin…” (or Semper Virens, the local mental hospital 😀 heehee)
“Shhh! I’m in Witness Protection, you’ll blow my cover!”
Or maybe I could just stare back at them, and wait for them to become uncomfortable enough to just walk away 😉
Will definitely have to play with this one!
My favorite answer to “Do people pay you for that?” is “Nope. That’s why you’re buying dinner.”
(Actually, no. My favorite answer is “Nope, but I’m buying you dinner anyway.”)
(And my least favorite thing about that question is the emphasis. I have been asked several times, by people who know that I have depression, “Do people pay you for that?” No better way to get me to stop talking to you altogether, I assure you.)
(But we’re on play. 🙂 So: what’s brown and sticky?)
(A stick.)
Usually my answers for “What are you doing for (holiday)?” either:
a) work
b) trying not to kill anyone
When people ask “where are you from?” I say “Florida” because it’s true. Sometimes, when I say this, people ask “Where is your family from?” and I tell them “New York.” Then they try “have they been here long?” and to that I have said “My great-great grandfather on my mother’s side was slave in South Carolina. That long enough for you?” This resulted in a long and abashed silence.
I don’t mind discussing my ethnic background and my family history among friends who ask respectfully, but when strangers ask with no sensitivity, I get bothered. I am a person, not a specimen. Kindly do not gawk and make conjecture about my origins.
Sometimes I have gotten “what are you?” The only appropriate response I’ve found to that one is a withering glare accompanied by “excuse me?” Though, I suppose any ridiculous reply would work, like “I am a meat popsicle.”
My least favorite questions are “are you a student?” and “when do you graduate?” My student status is complicated and a long, awkward, painful story. So to the first, I often simply say “yes” because that’s simplest. About graduation, I smile and say “never.”
Have, thank you for the laughs!! I too hate those questions (esp. #3).
1. Breathing. Trying to stay out of jail. What’s Christmas???!!!
2. My mom’s ya-ya. (no, that’s rude).
From? I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean?
3. Madame. Mademoiselle. Senora. Senorita. Corporal.
4. Pet kitties. No, I mean that literally, you pervert!
Read, listen, talk to people, write things down. Sit through some meetings.
Try to avoid getting sued.
Cross things off lists.
5. Oh dear, yes! Have you seen my shoes? I have a habit to support.
SORRY, meant Havi! 🙂
My least favorite question: Why is your face so RED??
I’ve been working on this one my whole life.
The honest answer: I’m really fair skinned and flush easily. It doesn’t really mean anything interesting at all.
Another honest answer: because you’re aggravating me.
The “back atcha” answer: why are your hips so BIG??
(or something equally personal and intrusive)
The fantasy answer: I just got back from a month of skiing in the Alps
The instinctive answer: uh, do I know you?
Thank you Havi and thank you everyone for your replies, made me feel right at home 🙂
#5. What are you doing for [insert holiday]?
I used to oblige and say “I’m going home” and then cringe through the follow-up which goes not so differently from #4. Now I just say “I’m staying home and sleeping”. I can take the pitying looks.
#4. Where are you from?
People ask this so casually I HATE IT!!!!!!! “Finland”.”Where there?” Like anyone knows the geography of Finland?!?!? “near the Arctic Circle” “Really? Must get really cold there” and on we go… I fantasize saying I’m from somewhere else entirely but it scares me they might know the language!
#3. What’s your name?
Unlike some of you, I HATE it when people get my first name wrong. Long ago I developed a strategy that I’m pretty proud of as it’s turned out FOOL proof: “What’s your name, love?” “Heli.” “Hayley?” “As in HELICOPTER.” On one occasion which I am now ashamed of I have added “Do you know how that’s spelled?” On another occasion someone asked “is that really a name in Finland”? Can’t win even when you do!
I also use the name of whoever I’m with to book a table…
#2. What do you do?
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah doesn’t begin to cover it. I am capable of many things. I do many things. I don’t know which ONE thing I might want to do for the rest of my life. Most times I try “Marketing” or “Digital marketing” but just as easily regress to “Websites and stuff”. I never use the word ‘brand’ unless the person is in the creative industry.
#1. People pay for that?
I never get this question! Hmm.
Oooo…top of my list would be:
How old are you? I tend to deflect this by asking ‘Guess?’… Probably because enjoy the discomfort that is deflected back onto the question askerer, which might make me a little evil…but so be it. Other responses: I could say I don’t want to tell them, 99, a portrait’s rotting in my attic, 15, how old are you?, old enough. Hmm… Old enough to have a portrait rotting in my attic perhaps? I think I like this one. 🙂
I mainly hate this question because of the weird judging that seems to follow on, especially related to the Aren’t you worried about having children? type question. I’ve stopped trying to fudge and just say No. And then point blank refuse to discuss it further.
Or Maybe you can help me? (Always said after it’s been established that the person who can help them isn’t available.) Again, a firm no seems to be the only way. I seem to have become quite fond of the No lately.
Ugh. I so relate.
The questions that send me running for my cave include:
How are you?
(I don’t know. Is this a test? I’d be the last to know.)
What are you up to?
(No good. World domination. I’m so over being up to things.)
Where have you been keeping yourself?
(Under a bridge. In an exclusive bordello. Away.)
I also sometimes cringe at compliments about my appearance. This was more true when I was in the art clothing biz. It’s not that I can’t take positive feedback; it’s that sometimes it feels like a request for a level of intimacy I’m not up to.
Oh well. Makes for an interesting path for this supposed extravert.
someone mentioned replying to the what do you do question – Answer – as little as possible and reminded me that this is my becoming my stock answer- I like it because it throws a huge spanner in the works of the must-be-more-productive-industrial-capitalist-complex even more when they realise I’m deadly serious!
Coffee names:
Harvey
Rambo
Twinkle
and I’m going to steal some of the above mentioned. Thanks!
Having moved to Paris 5 years ago and mingling in with the expat community, those questions you mentioned seem like some bizarre Pavlovian response. I’ve been thinking of having a fast of these very questions and inviting others to do so as well.
I just have to open my mouth ANYWHERE here and I get the “(you’re not french.)where do you come from?” question.
I think it always is best to answer those questions with a question. There’s no requirement to have an answer – except in our own minds.
How about, ” Why do you want to know?”?
This puts ownership for the intention of their question onto them. After all, some people are genuinely interested in making contact but don’t know how and of course, some are superficial and nosy – so, they have to face that and answer your question.
@Amy- I was sitting with a group of people and a good friend who is a writer was telling us about the book she was writing. I remember I asked her something about it because I was really interested, and her answer was basically “you’ll just have to buy the book and read about it” but it was said in such a nasty way in front of all these people that I felt really stupid and hurt by it. Now I am thinking she was just feeling exposed and scared and lashing out. It’s good to see the other side, since I still remember the embarrassment and anger i felt. I bet she felt that too.
@ Missy- Wow! You brought back the first 12 years of school for me. “Hey, you know your face is turning red?” I’d reply, No kidding, I thought it was going green! Not bad for a really geeky, meek child.
The worst question ever? My friend got asked this at her church: “How does it feel to be the trophy wife?” She was speechless.
As for some of the other questions:
#5. “What are you doing for [insert holiday]?”
Sleeping in, hanging out at home and relaxing.
“Are you spending it with family/friends?” Nope. (said cheerfully with a smile)
“Are you going to cook a turkey?” Nope. (cheerfully, still with a smile) Usually it doesn’t go much past this, as the other person starts to realize how appealing this sounds.
#4. “Where are you from?”
Answers I have used with varying degrees of success:
My mother’s womb.
The hospital.
Planet Earth.
Not sure, I was adopted.
#3. What’s your name?
I’ve always maintained that everyone should be called BOB. It’s easy to spell. It’s easy to pronounce. It’s the same backwards, forwards, upside-down. I’ve even had a few kids in classes I’ve taught ask to be called Bob for the year after I’ve said this.
#2. What do you do?
I work.
I actually had someone say that to me when I asked. And that’s all he’d say. I found out later that he is a psychologist.
#1. People pay for that?
Usually.
Love the idea of “do? i try not to do things”. It made my day 🙂
These are all great responses.
My name is spaniel and I totally catch frisbees 🙂
As for the holidays, I like to sacrifice a (insert chocolate bar name here)”.
Q: “What do you do?”
A: I try not to “do” but rather “be”. So, a Woman of Integrity, Mystique and Challenge, perhaps?!!
*grins cheekily*
A: I subvert inane questions *smile*
A: I change the world. Starting with challenging the notion that our job titles depict worth and meaning and suggesting that who we are in the world and how we live our values is infinitely more important.
ahhhh, I like it here. Twiglet. heh.
My best awkward “conversation-starter” went something like this.
She: “Well, you have Crohn’s, don’t you?”
Me: “Um, no. Not me.”
What I *should* have said was, “but let me tell you what I *do* have. . . .”
I have to link to Wondermark:
http://wondermark.com/675/
I like some aspects of that approach, though I dislike how aggressive it was.
I had a friend who would say, “Why do you want to know?” very pleasantly when someone asked her a question she didn’t want to answer. But that might also be too in-your-face.
I think what I might say to “What’re you doing for Thanksgiving?” is “Oh, I’m trying to quit this year.” 🙂 Maybe I should work on memorizing wikipedia…
Ohhh my, this whole conversation makes me SO GLAD that I hate ASKING QUESTIONS! It must be because I hate being asked them, myself!
Someone mentioned the “How old are you?” thing, which for some reason happens more for me than any of the other awkward questions. I usually sweetly say, “Guess!” and then whatever the person answers, I say “Sure!” or “Close enough!”
But sweetly! That’s key! I love using the obviously-being-sweet tone of voice that actually reveals that there are some decidedly un-sweet things boiling underneath. It makes it so I don’t have to say, “You probably didn’t want to ask that,” and the conversation tends to change fairly quickly after that.
Some other tough questions for me:
“How’s your thesis?” Me, sweetly: “You know, asking a grad student that is about as bad as asking a woman her age or weight.”
“What’s your thesis about?” Me, usually cringing but trying to sound sweet anyways: “You probably don’t want to know.” And then I pause, and answer with some little detail which is usually enough of an answer that I’m not asked more unless the person is really REALLY curious, in which case it can be fun to talk about.
“When will you be done?” Me, as sweetly as possible with gritted teeth, “Whenever I’m done.”
One of the last positions for employment I applied for was as a nanny. I have years of experience with troubled children; I figured I was a shoo-in for the job. Well..imagine my shock when I was asked during the interview where I was born and how long it took me to pick up my ‘cute’ and’ perfectly done’ local accent.
Imagine the shock on my interviewer’s face when I shot back that I was born about 10 minutes from where she was sitting and had grown up locally, so I had the accent down over 30 years ago.
The look on her face was worth me not getting the job. It took me one step closer to starting a thing..and biggifying it. Hopefully I will be online by New Years Day. 🙂
PS: My business parter, Louie T. (my feline Vice Pawsident) put his stamp of approval on my last post before I finished it–what I’d wanted to say was that sometimes the best way to answer a question that is somehow inappropriate or uncomfortable, is with blunt honesty, and followed up with a sweetly delivered ‘and why did you want to know?’
Shabbat Shalom!
L’Chaim!
Deb
i’m so glad that other people with weird names hate answering the what’s-your-name question. I guess I have friends with ‘normal’ names because no one ever understands when I try to explain how much i hate introducing myself – and it’s totally just about my name. UGHH!