So this past Monday I printed a letter from a lonely young woman who was gearing up for a really hard, painful Christmas alone and wondering if I had any advice or suggestions.
It was a hard letter to answer.
I came up with what I could, and sent her a holiday gift of my Emergency Calming Techniques so she’d have something to turn to when things got tough.
But you know what was a big freaking transformational experience for me in all this?
Warning: about to get all mushy and teary-eyed.
You guys ended up saying so many kind, loving things in the comments that I was absolutely blown away.
Sure, I’ve known for a long time that this blog attracts an absurdly high percentage of bright, thoughtful, insightful, oddball people who like to hang out here.
But seeing this rush of care and recognizing how deep these resources of unconditional loving-kindness go … well, it was really moving.
And now I absolutely have to share the beautiful letter she sent back because I know you will appreciate it and enjoy it as much as I did.
Oh Havi, I’m not sure if “thank you” is “good enough,” but I know you’d think otherwise.
I spent some time today going over the Emergency Calming package you generously offered me — I don’t think I’ve quite tried anything like this before! I am a self-help fiend, but you offer…something different. Which is why I contacted you in the first place.
I absolutely didn’t expect the public “witnessing” and support that you offered.
And I’m a bit in awe over it. I can’t get the image out of my head that someone out there is lighting a candle for *me*; whether metaphorically or literally, either way it’s humbling. It’s helped me feel more connected.
There’s something about public grieving that’s truly powerful.
I could write a tome on how this has made me feel today, but I’ll save that for my blog — something your writing and approach have also helped me incorporate into my life.
Thank you for listening and generously holding/supporting me. I’ll carry that with me over the next challenging days. This is more than I could have hoped for (and asking and hoping tend to be risky for me!).
What that means …
You guys rock, is what I’m saying.
You helped someone you have no connection with to go from absolutely dreading the holidays alone to feeling like she could do it.
And more than that, with just knowing that we were there, hoping and wishing good things for her, she was able to surprise herself and pull through okay. Maybe even more than okay.
And one more letter!
So I also wrote to her Christmas morning, just to check in and see that she was okay.
I was pretty convinced by this point that she was going to be absolutely fine, but you know … just to be sure. And yeah, she’s doing great.
Jump up and down with me here:
Havi (and Selma) —
I have been feeling this wonderful calm today. I did a fabulous workout this morning, which included yoga as well.
And I felt a lot stronger after doing it – more aware of myself and everything around me. Basically, checking IN rather than checking OUT.
I’m going to treat myself to an uplifting movie, then make a delicious meal that reminds me of my friends/family and my gentleman friend.
So something must be happening in me that’s helping me through this time.
I’m alone today — that’s the reality. but so far, I don’t feel as lonely and lost as I thought I would. I think I was afraid of myself, of being with myself, and of not being able to give myself what I needed today, on this difficult day.
Your positive presence has changed all that. I’m going to mindfully light a candle this evening for my parents, who I miss sorely, and for you and the wonderful people out there sending love and well wishes my way (that feels overwhelming, and I’m tearing up, but it’s happy and grateful and feeling-loved tears!)
Lots of love to you and Selma too. My pug is right here next to me on the couch, happily snoring the day away.
Wow.
Isn’t that remarkable? This is totally the sort of thing I would have rolled my eyes at a couple of years ago and here I am now marveling at it.
Because there’s power here.
This is the power of a group of bright, kind, caring people coming together in this space. And I have the feeling we’re only beginning to see what a big deal this is.
Also: the type of insight that she’s come up with — that’s really the kind of deep, powerful, useful information that we tend to avoid learning at all costs.
Usually when I learn something like that about myself, it’s way after the fact and not when I’m right there in the hard.
I don’t know about you but I’m completely impressed.
Anyway …
Hope reading this brings some strength and support to whoever else needs some and hasn’t been asking for it.
And then I promise to go back to being bitter and sarcastic for at least the rest of the year.
Follow
You say “bitter and sarcastic” as though those are bad qualities. They’re some of my best skills, honed over years of careful practice. From your obvious skills I’m assuming you’ve put some not inconsiderable time into achieving your own master status.
By being able to focus on the spot on the apple, the tiny imperfection in the stone, or the blemish on the cheek — I allow others to feel far superior. I give them something to deride me for (otherwise, my perfection would make them feel bad) and a way for them to think that their own flaws have gone unnoticed because I didn’t mention them.
Sarcasm — proudly supplied since 1955. Available in small, medium, and “Whoh, Mommah!”
FWIW, I actually DID light that candle for you oh, no-longer-so-fearful-of-being-alone one. A physical, tangible candle. And my SBH and I watched it burn down until quite late. It burned itself out. Nice and clean. Nothing left. In the good way. I’m glad you felt the warmth.
Havi, you said, “You helped someone you have no connection with to go from absolutely dreading the holidays alone to feeling like she could do it.”
Please don’t be cross with me, but I take issue with this statement. True, none but you know this person’s name, where she lives, the name of her pug. But that doesn’t mean we have “no connection” with her.
*Philosophical-blahdehy-blah warning*
We live in a uni-verse. Uni = one. We are all inter-connected. Everyone from John Donne to modern-day quantum physicists agree that the suffering of the one does cause us all to suffer.
It’s just that we choose to ignore it most of the time.
Which is why this space you’ve created on the interweb is so very amazingly cool. You do care about the one. You encourage all who pull up a chair here to care right along with you. You and Selma help everyone you touch to see those invisible quanta connecting us one to another more clearly, and to feel the suffering (and the joy) amongst ourselves and the world around us. That is your gift. And you have my thanks for sharing it.
Like many others who frequent this space, I have much work to do (saving all of my pennies – yes, literally – to buy your Procrastination Dissolve-o-matic; my personal manifestation of stuckification). But coming here, reading your posts and the comments of others helps me to remember that no matter how long the road may be, there will be progress. That is the hope you bring to us all.
Havi and all,
I would have rolled my eyes at all this stuff a while ago too, clucking and dismissing. But there I was flapping my arms all around, dancing around my kitchen with my pug, but also rolling around on the floor crying from the grief.
And I was okay. I emerged from it stronger. I actually LET myself cry for the first time in a long time. I didn’t mention it before, but when my dad passed away, it was years — YEARS — before I would let myself cry and truly *feel* the grief. So hard. But everyone’s strength here helped prop me up and remind me that I’ll be okay, that feeling emotions is okay.
I have done more yoga than usual over the past few days and meditated a bit more, too. Everything was just a little more deliberate. I was overall more present, and could let myself experience the sadness, but also the gratefulness and pockets of joy.
Throughout the holiday, I felt within myself a beacon reminding me that I’m my own home. That’ll be a lesson I’ll have to keep relearning. It’s been pretty transformative already, though!
There is little that words can say (candles seem to “speak” better), but I am infinitely grateful for everyone’s support. It made a tremendous difference and really changed my holiday outlook.
Wow. That is amazing. And a bit like Christy, I was kind of miffed about the no connection comment but not for all that hippy shit she said (though that was good), but just because we are connected through you and this place. So, I’m glad one person is less lonely this week because of it.
JoVEs last blog post..Happy whatever you are celebrating
dear n-l-s-f-o-b-a-o-t-h
is sweetly inspiring and rockin’ both 🙂
oh so much, thanks for your sharing and AllThatFollowed/Follows…
— joyce
Yes, nlsfobaoth, thank you for your update! You put a smile on my face. I think you might have given us a gift as well. 🙂
Hi Havi
It’s so wonderful to hear of the spirit that you have created on your blog.
Thank you
Juliet
LifeMadeGreat – Juliets last blog post..Juliet Tagged
JoVE . . . my apologies for the hippie shit. It’s a combination of my own philosophical rambling tendencies and the influence of our duck-enabled, hippie yoga teacher.
Oh my,
Can I say coming across this blog a few weeks back and the very hard holiday letter the miss and her pug sent has been quite an experience for me.
I too get more blue about the holidays, I just do. Reading her question and Havi’s reply made it so much more better this year. My SO who was away commented on the fact I sounded down right happy as we chatted on the phone Thursday evening. I couldn’t admit to happy because there was still quite a bit of sorrow in my soul, but I was a peace.
At peace on Christmas? Is that possible? Yes, actually, much because I allowed myself to feel the sorrow and not fight it back and beat myself up for more having it and do that whole spiral down of feeling badly then feeling worse for feeling badly and so on and so forth.
Thank you for that, Ms. Havi and Selma.
Also, there was the connection, of knowing I wasn’t alone in feeling alone/disappointed with the day. I had woman and her pug feeling similarly to me. We both are here reading, we are both connected, there are others, etc.
Which brings me to another point, (btw, I love super long comments too) I must be ready to listen and learn because not too long ago all of this would have solicited a huge eye-roll. But now it seems appropriate. It seems smart and loving and a wonderful way to approach the universe.
Bring on 2009. I’m excited for the new learning adventure with you as a shining example of what is a good way to be. Nice to know one can be open to humanity in the best way possible with a side of snarky.
Peace,
Julianna
THANK YOU all for sharing your grief and love.
My holiday (xmas) was rather noisy, which lately brings me out of the moment wishing my space was more quite and peaceful…
In a few of those moments, I felt gratful that I was not grieving a loss, and then the noise didn’t seem bad at all and I could get back down to the business of the moment tickling children in a noisy house or play some more wii!
When I got home and it was quite again with just me and my wife…it seemed a little too quite…sheesh my ego just can’t love the moment for whatever it is!
Feed, serve, love.
@Dick – I certainly never meant to imply that bitter and sarcastic are bad qualities — they’re two of my favorite and most highly prized ones.
And that line wasn’t really for the readers, it was for them … to reassure my own sarcasm and bitterness that I’m going to abandon them and become someone who only talks about the one-ness of the universe and never lets them have their say too.
@n-l-s-f-o-b-a-o-t-h – thank you so so much for the update. It is really a joy to see how great you’re doing and for us all to be able to cheer for you.
@everyone-I-apparently-offended-by-implying-whatever-it-was, I didn’t mean that we’re not connected. Of course we’re all connected. Just that for me it was really moving to see everyone come together like that. That’s all.
@Julianna – thanks for your beautiful comment. That’s exactly what I was hoping would be the result of last week’s post … that other sometimes-lonely people would get their own share of reassurance and solace.
And yeah, I say all sorts of things now that would have made me roll my eyes a few years ago. And I still roll my eyes at some other things.
@Joyce, Karen, Juliet … Yes, I agree! It’s beautiful. I couldn’t do it without you guys, and this has become a really safe, welcoming space for me as well. So thank you.
And bring on the hippy shit! We can handle it. 🙂
I have just been born into this blogger world, and as a bright-eyed amateur at all of the “in” cyber-fads, and writing do’s and don’t s I cannot help to react cynically and impartial to all of the new agey fluff that I’ve been stumbling across. Although I do react the same way to my own blurbs sometimes, ha!
However, as I came across your blog and your unassuming, spunky, non-dogmatic way I felt bubbles of lightness, humor, and inspiration stirring in me and I just wanted to say Jai, Jai to you for being the one to demystify the mystical. And yes, I did say jai:)
I hope you all can welcome another hippie to your clan.
Jodi Careys last blog post..To Every Season, Turn, Turn, Turn….
@Jodi – thanks for the first laugh of the day.
You can say Jai around here, I think.
As well as do as much eye-rolling as you want. I know I do. And then still sometimes my readers make me cry, which is why I have to write posts like this one …