One of my favorite things in the world is finding out what people are using as a cover story for coming to Rally (Rally!).
Because when you’re coming to Rally, you don’t really know what it is, right? Even if you’ve done it before.
I mean, I’ve been at Rally (note my avoidance of the verb) twelve times now and I’m still not sure what it is.
That’s because Rally is magical and weird and surprising. And hard to explain.
All you know is this.
When you’re on your way to Rally, all you know is that you’re off on a crazy-fabulous adventure and that things will be different and sparkly when you return. It will be a sort of voyage.
And there will be pretzel sticks in wine glasses. And a hammock in a Refueling Station!
This makes it difficult to explain to the people in your life who casually (or very seriously, in some cases) wonder why you’re going to be AWOL. Or why you’re journeying off to Portland for a few days. What are you doing?!
And thus the cover story.
Oh, I’m going to………
- a conference
- a yoga thing
- a business thing
- a creative thing
- a craft-ey thing
- a retreat thing
- a secret thing
- a coordination training thing
- just vacation, you know, nothing special
- I’m on silent retreeeeeaaat!
And then you change the subject super-fast! —-> “How are you doing? What are you up to? How’s your whatzit? Really? Oh, wow.”
Most popular cover stories.
I think “oh it’s a conference” and then running away before people can ask what the conference is about.
That’s probably most people’s favorite.
Followed by pretending you’re going to be doing something that sounds fun-for-you, but a thing the other person would find fairly uninteresting.
“It’s a convention for people who do that really specific kind of knitting I was telling you about….”
“It’s a conference about the history of birdfeeders in North America…”
“It has to do with the internet, I’d tell you more but you know how it is…”
Or go with the real story…
Some people can totally get away with saying exactly what it is:
“So there’s this woman? I kind of sort of know her from online. No, not like that. She has a duck! Anyway, she runs a playground. Yes. It’s like preschool, but for grownups.
“And I’m going to go there and work on something — but I don’t know what it is yet — while eating potato chips. Also there’s a costume room.
“We’re going to flail around ridiculously and have epiphanies and then stuff will happen. At the end of it, I’ll have been insanely productive and everything in my life will be better. Anyway, whee! I’m going to Rally! “
The truth is a beautiful thing. It’s just that the truth — much like most epiphanies and big realizations — can sound sort of stupid or silly or insane when said out loud.
It loses its essence in translation.
Of course if you can make it work, go for it! But cover stories are still a useful thing to have in your pocket for certain people, situations or circumstances.
Why we need cover stories.
We all need some spaciousness when it comes to working on our stuff, being in a process, figuring out what projects really are.
Because a Rally (and everything we bring to it) is a form of a tiny, sweet thing.
So we protect it.
We keep it safe and make sure it’s supported. And we do this by giving it buffers. Hiding spaces and holding spaces. Room to breathe and grow.
A cover story is a form of buffer.
It’s a way to build space around the experience you haven’t had yet.
It’s almost like a safe room for the seed of the adventure that you are embarking on.
Who these stories are for.
For you. You get to have buffers and spaciousness too!
For the Rally and the experience itself. So that your experience of Rally can be its own thing, not weighed down by other people’s expectations, projections, judgments and desires.
For your projects, whatever they may be (and you do not need to have a project when you show up at Rally because it will find you while you’re there, I promise).
It’s a way of arranging a secret rendezvous to meet your projects without anyone knowing about your process while you’re still trying to figure it all out.
And also for the people who are asking. The stories are good for everyone.
More stuff to think about!
Sometimes people are just being polite.
Sometimes someone will ask you a question (“what do you do?”) and for them it’s this really simple, casual, I-need-something-to-say-to-fill-this-pause-of-awkwardness.
They don’t know that for you this question is related to big, deep existential pondering and that it can throw you into your stuff.
They’re just as relieved as you are to talk about something else.
So it’s absolutely okay to say something like this: “Oh I’m going to see some friends and work on an old project, thanks for asking! What are you up to?”
Sometimes people are just being distracter mice.
Sometimes when people ask you awkward questions, they’re really just trying to move attention from something they don’t want to talk about. I find this weirdly reassuring.
This is a great time to bring up a book you just read or a film you just saw, or stick to topics that you know they like.
Sometimes people just want reassurance.
If it’s people who are close to you, they really just want to know that you aren’t changing. That you will still love them when you come back from your crazy, mysterious voyage.
Sometimes a hug is a really good answer.
I’m doing something that’s important to me. I’ll tell you about it when I get back. I love you so much. HUG.
And not everything requires a response.
I cannot emphasize this enough. Even though it’s the thing that is hardest for me to remember.
Really and truly: Not everything requires a response.
The magic of the cover story.
Rally is, among other things, a place for creative play. For approaching things with curiosity, wonder and receptivity.
Coming up with a cover story requires that you step into this mindset of invention.
Which means you’re already accessing your Rally superpowers of creativity, possibility and play when you start coming up with stories that hide what you’re really doing.
You’re being inventive. You’re creating safe spaces for yourself. You’re approaching things in a way that is designed to give yourself support and spaciousness before you even get to the Playground.
So cover stories are like secret spy codewords. They’re full of play. They’re helping you arrive. And that’s important.
Play! And comment zen for the giant blanket fort.
If you have been on Rally or are coming to Rally or might come to Rally someday, and you have a cover story, I would love to know what it is.
Let’s invent ridiculous and/or totally believable fake back-stories! And throw confetti.
And if not for Rally, then for other things as well.
As always, we are all working on our stuff. We make room for other people to have their own experience, and we don’t tell each other how to feel, how to think or what to do. Unless they ask!
Kisses to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads…
postscript: The September Rally is sold out. November is filling up crazy fast. Schedule for new year on the Rally (Rally!) page.
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Lucky for me, my husband pretty much gets it, and everyone else is satisfied with ‘workshop.’
It’s been pretty mind-blowing for me to realize that most of the time, those squirm-inducing questions are just small talk. I have to learn it and re-learn it, all the time.
Looking forward to ‘workshop!’
xo
In adoption and foster care (my former field), we used to talk about the short answer, the long answer, and the in-between answer. Example:
“Do you have any brothers and sisters?”
* The short answer: “No. I’m the only one.”
* The long answer: “My brother and sister and I were taken from our mother by the state and the other two were adopted by their father’s mother, but I have a different father who wasn’t around so I was adopted by a different family. And my adopted father has two children from his first marriage and my mother has one, but they’re all grown, so I’m the only one at home.”
* The in-between answer: “I have some older siblings but I’m the only one still at home.”
The cover story for Rally is kind of like that. To a lot of people who asked what I was going to Portland for, I said it was a conference: the short answer.
To my sister and my friend, who would love to go to Rally, I give them the details. Before the June Rally, I said that it was hard to explain but here’s some info, and when I got home, I told them about it and they were enchanted. That was the long answer.
And for certain people who were not able to understand the long answer and wanted to know more about the conference, I said it was about learning to use your creativity to do your Thing. Because there are certain principles that once you learn them, you can use them for a lot of different things. The in-between answer.
Actually I like that explanation, the in-between one, best.
Aaah this is ace! I only wish I had found it a few months ago 🙂
Yes! I’ve been having a hard time with this one. Translating Havi-speak (which is how I usually think about these things) into language interpretable by academics (which is what most of my friends are) has been going like this:
Me: I’m going to Portland next month for a… workshop.
Them: What kind of workshop?*
Me: Well, there’s this… kooky yoga teacher**? And she’s running a 3-day*** event**** at her studio***** where a small group of people come and bring projects to work on, and the idea is to be particularly focused****** and productive*******. I’ll be working on… [diverts conversation to project]
One of the best things about Rally? Not having to explain to fellow Rally-ers what it is that you’re doing there. They already get it.
*the dreaded question
**totally boring description of Havi
***well, really it’s a sundown-to-sundown operation, which makes perfect sense to me, but if you’re coming from a midnight-to-midnight calendar, you might this it was 4 days, but you can’t explain everything in the elevator pitch so I’ll just leave that part out
****totally boring description of a Rally
*****totally boring description of the Playground
******zoom!
*******See? I’m getting lots of things done. Like a responsible person. Not somebody who’s running away to Portland to have fun.
@VickiB I like your in-between explanation, too.
I’m still working on good cover stories for Rally (someday! yes yes yes!). I’ve been known to refer to my weekly artist date as an appointment or a prior commitment when people ask if I’m available for something else during that time. There’s no need to explain that the prior commitment is with myself. I’ve also called in “sick” for mental health days, and felt 100% truthful, just translating the desperate need for a break into a kind of succinct shorthand that is more easily understood by the average person.
The short answer: when I’m not interested in going into explanations I’ve used “conference” but I like “workshop” better.
Hmmm … Playshop?
The in-between answer (thanks, VickiB): “a project-development workshop with yoga.”
The longer answer, because people will need further explanations: “a creative project planning retreat with yoga, mathematical dancing, play, sparkly things and colored pencils, a fairy door, and the Book of Me.”
And, in all cases and most importantly,
“…in September! Woo hoo!”
I’ve been recruited by the CIA for international spy training… Oh no… now I might have to kill you… SSSHHHHHH!!!!
Just… watch your back!
*looks around furtively*
Hooray! what a great post to find…just after I saw my email confirmation for February’s Rally! It will be my second Rally!
For everyone who asks except Hubby & BFF, I say I’m going to a writing workshop. No one asks anything else. Most assume it’s about technical writing, which I do to keep my dogs in kibble. Tech writing is boring to most of my friends & family. I just started a new job, and if anyone at work asks for any more details, I will likely add that it combines personal growth and yoga with writing exercises, so that will kill any further discussion with coworkers. Havi’s right – it’s a tiny sweet thing and I want to protect it.
To seriousScientist hubby, who just wouldn’t get it, I say: I’m doing this thing. There’s writing involved. I need this. It’s for me. Him: ok. see you when you get back. is there food in the fridge?
I tell BFF everything just as she does to me. and we delight in each other’s tiny sweet things, even if it’s not something that would be or could be our own tiny sweet thing.
“So there’s this woman? I kind of sort of know her from online. No, not like that. She has a duck! Anyway, she runs a playground. Yes. It’s like preschool, but for grownups.”
Good GOD, that’s totally me. I end up using a Havi blurb and then people ask where that’s from and then I start babbling. Then I go into DEFCON 4 and that’s when I should just hit “Self Destruct” and shush, but NO, I try to land the bird, like I got any shot in hell of making that landing strip. There’s just awkward phrasing and back tracking and then everyone is left feeling uncomfortable, as though you just watched Caligula with your parents. It’s like a Piñata of Social Anxiety. But with no candy.
So…now that I’ve finally verbalized my feelings, I think I’m just going to look that person dead in the eyes and say, “The Duck told me to say it,” and leave it at that.
Heh. The cover story I was using was “I’m going to a writing retreat”. This usually caused people’s eyes to glaze over and run headlong into Any Other Topic. Because talking *about* writing is usually about any number of things people will gnaw their arms off to avoid discussing, like:
– grammar, spelling, punctuation, and other things they got bad grades for not understanding in school.
– the angst of Writer’s Block. Aaaaaaaannnngggsstt.
– some kind of diatribe about the Protestant work ethic which they feel guilty about not having with their job or hobbies.
– similarly, many people will go to great lengths to avoid seeing anyone pursuing their dreams and happiness. =(
– an unsolicited description of the potential book, which MIGHT be [insert least favorite genre here, say, a Wild-West bodice-ripper about werewolves who play competitive speed chess BUT IT’S REALLY AN OBJECTIVIST ALLEGORY].
– a pushy request to see if they’ll be a test reader or copyeditor.
– whether I’m going to turn into that guy from The Shining anytime soon.
The few times that people didn’t respond that way (usually someone who knows me well), they asked about my writing project, which meant I could (*whoosh*) talk about my pet project. Yay!
Either way, the subject of “What KIND of retreat?” never came up. 😉
(And I was speaking truth the whole time, which is important to me.)
Anyway, I REALLY wanted to comment to mention that cover stories are important because Rally is a Mystery, and mysteries defy explanation. Like in the movie “Shakespeare in Love”… and pretty much every religion. You have to experience it, and have the cultural acclimatization to give it a context, because if you just explained it to someone it would sound crazy, stupid, and/or dangerous. Seriously, the more profound, transformative, and transcendental the experience, the more likely it is to sound completely nutters when you try to explain it to someone who hasn’t got the context. Cases in point: Catholic mass. Pilgrimage to an ashram. BDSM scenes. Freemasonry. Extreme sports.
Objectively? WTF? But if you’ve been in the heart of it? Woah.
In my line, Mysteries need a certain amount of protection in the way of not-trying-to-explain them, call it what you will: “Power of Silence” “Holding the Sacred” “Changing the Subject”. Trying to explain them will, too often, deflate their magic as we get defensive, dismissive, and rationalizing about the experience, instead of accepting it for what it was and how we perceived it. Also, inviting other people to project their stuff and misunderstandings onto the thing? Ugh. Sometimes it’s impossible to clean it off after that.
My cover story is one of my fondest memories of Rally… not because I had such a great one (basically it went: uhh, I’m going to a conference. You know, a work thing, yeah, a work conference thing… Hey, what about those Oregon Ducks? Did I say Ducks?! I meant Beavers, there are no DUCKS!), but because as soon as I came out on the other side of the magic that is Rally I couldn’t wait to fess up to everyone and share the real story: I was at a Projectizing Rally with a Pirate Queen and her duck business partner and it was better than awesome! Truth is just way better than fiction when it comes to Rally and the Playground.
Brilliant post, thanks for making me laugh out loud!
(And, by the way, after Shiva Nata class tonight, which was fabulous by the way, I went to dinner w/a friend – When he asked what I’d been doing I said a yogaey thing but kind of weird and that I was doing at a place called the playground which was also a pirate ship…all I can say was that he was intrigued and wished he’d been there too 🙂
Love it. @Kaleena – the duck told me to say it.That tickled me pink. thanks
This reminds me of the time I came to Berlin for a shiva nata workshop. People would ask what kind of workshop (and why go all-the-way to Berlin, which is not really that far, except that it is for many Dutchies).
So I explained the ‘I sort of know this woman and her duck through her online blog, which I love and learn a lot from’ story. Bewildered looks. Then I tried to explain shiva nata, failing horribly, and ended up saying: see, I need that workshop because I can’t explain yet what it’s actually about!
Generally, people have now accepted that I do experimentey things, and they seem to like to hear about it as long as I don’t go all hippie (or preachy) on them.
Oh this felt so reassuring for me! I haven’t been to the Playground yet 🙁 but when I do somewhat yoga related but not really type things, I always have a cover story. Because I’d rather not tell my family I’m going to a Women’s Anatomy of Arousal Class with Sheri Winston 😉
Also! Havi! I had a dream last night that you put out a book, and it was written very much like your blog, but was a basic primer for all of your working on your stuff techniques. And in my dream, I was so excited to have everything in one tangible place (I’ll never have a Nook. I like to touch my books!). & I was thinking how amazing it would be if everyone I knew learned how to work with their stuff consciously & the result? The Rally glow! Like, what if everyone realized that creating an atmosphere like Rally is the only beauty product they really need??!?
Seriously, I need to plan a Rally into my life. I think that’s the moral of this story. 🙂
xoxo
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I like working with the interaction of thoughts, feelings, actions, and connections.
If it is permissible *not to respond* to the request, “Where are you going,” then an alternative to play with is this: RESPOND NOT WITH WORDS, BUT ONLY WITH FEELINGS.
That might look to the recipient a lot like not responding at all. And yet if you try it out you may find that the other person somehow “gets it” … when you haven’t really said any words at all!
But it’s maybe good to try this responding nonverbally, only with feelings — (the first few times at least) — only when it would be *acceptable* to have given no response at all.
Because you never know — some people on the other side of the conversation can handle it, and some can’t.
🙂