‘Tis the season when it’s customary for anyone with a blog to reflect — either on “the year that was”, or on their own ambivalence about said custom.
The last two weeks of the year, I put the business ship in dry dock, and do some “cheshbon nefesh” (literally: soul accounting).
I think about what’s working and what isn’t — and if/how I want to change course.
This usually happens in my head and on paper. But this year I’m going to do some of this here too.
What I’ve been working on this past year.
Agility.
Autonomy.
Actively practicing curiosity as a form of play.
Learning about trust, a thing that does not come easily to me. Understatement.
What Hiro calls “perfect, simple solutions” — not just finding graceful and elegant ways to meet challenges, but allowing for ease in the whole process.
Ease is also not really my area, so I’ve had a lot of work to do untangling tightness and unlearning my tendencies to over-complicate things.
Being a better super secret spy. See: above.
Noticing where I’m getting tripped up (and what I’m tripping over).
Finding the useful in the hard, while still giving myself permission to not want to be there.
That’s the essence. How it translates is more complicated.
So, for example, agility shows up in taking breaks.
In calling a twenty minute Drunk Pirate Council a few times a week instead of a dreaded weekly meeting that drags on for hours.
In taking my challenges to the trampoline, to the bath, to the cafe… instead of trying to figure it all out in my head.
In making structural changes to the Kitchen Table program.
Or like this: curiosity and play are the qualities that are helping me as I learn (again?!) and really begin to internalize the fact that people will always be in their stuff.
You can create safe environments for them to process their stuff, and you can build a culture that is unbelievably loving and welcoming.
But people will still be in their stuff, and you have to just let them be in their stuff. And not all of them want to work on their stuff. And baby, that’s how it is.
This is frustrating for me. And so I play. Play, ask questions, play some some.
Where I got the most stuck this year.
The usual place.
Wanting things to be different than they are.
This is where the trust thing came in, and simplicity, and my practice of Finding the Useful. It was pretty slow going at times, but at least I knew what to ask.
The questions that helped me the most this year.
What’s useful?
“What is — possibly, theoretically, maybe — going to turn out to be useful about this thing I’m hating so much right now? Without having to like it or appreciate it or be grateful for it… is there any possibility that some aspect of this is going to turn out to be helpful?”
What does the culture know that I don’t know?
“If it’s true that culture is self-sustaining — that it holds itself — how is the culture of the pirate ship going to solve this problem?”
Where is the ease hiding?
“If there is a perfect, simple solution, an easier way to do this… what might that look like? If I start from the assumption that I’m over-complicating things, which I probably am, what’s the perfect, simple solution?”
What would make this more fun?
“If I’m struggling with something, that’s a sign that it’s not fun and not playful. That it’s not in alignment with the culture of my business. So what’s going to change that? Blanket fort? Magic markers? Dance party?”
What would I advise?
“If one of my clients had this problem, I would totally have smart and creative things to say about that. So what are they?”
Where is the safe space?
“Am I taking care of my tiny sweet thing? Where do we need to build in more comfort, more safety, more hiding?”
Am I shepherding?
“Because that’s probably where everything is going to hell. How can I step back and not shepherd, and lead by holding the culture of the land, instead of trying to make life better for individual creatures?”
So. We’re in dry dock.
In decision-making-mode. Tearing some stuff up. Building some new parts. Mapping and charting. All that good stuff.
But mostly it’s a lot of asking questions and then drawing with crayons.
If I were to give one piece of advice, it would be this:
“There is no biggification without destuckification.”
I see a lot of people compartmentalizing these. They work on their stuff and then they work on their business. As if it were two distinct processes.
Really, whatever isn’t working in your business is mostly made up of — and directly related to — everything that is stuckified for you in general.
And one of the things I’d gwish for in the coming year is to do more actively demonstrating why this is true. About how to work on both simultaneously.
Play!
Comment zen as usual: we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff.
We let everyone else have their stuff and their own experience. We think creatively. We make stuff up. We don’t tell each other what to do.
There are cookies.
Post-scripting!
So you know! There are — astoundingly — a few spots left for the 2011 Kitchen Table (we’re about to enter our third year and it is my favorite place in the entire world). You’ll need a password for the backdoor page. Here: speedymouse. That’s all.
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These two things stood out to me:
“If one of my clients had this problem, I would totally have smart and creative things to say about that. So what are they?”
“… lead by holding the culture of the land, instead of trying to make life better for individual creatures?”
Thank you for, as always, giving me something to think about. I hope your dry-docking is wonderfully playful and constructive*.
*This word always makes me think of making small table-shaped cats out of construction paper. It is a happier word to me than ‘productive’, which just sounds like work.
“Really, whatever isn’t working in your business is mostly made up of — and directly related to — everything that is stuckified for you in general.”
I’ve definitely discovered this this year.
The frustrating thing is that the more I work on destuckifying my stuff, the more I think I might really dislike my job. The one I just made up three years ago. This discovery (a couple months ago) has left me wandering around, continuing all the destuckification techniques, with one main thought in my head: “now what?” (that and “quick, decide on something new that will pay you”)
Gah. I know it’s a process. But still…
Don’t be a shepherd… be a Shepherd Book!
He respects the goodness in people AND he knows when to kick ass!
🙂
“Really, whatever isn’t working in your business is mostly made up of — and directly related to — everything that is stuckified for you in general.
And one of the things I’d gwish for in the coming year is to do more actively demonstrating why this is true. About how to work on both simultaneously.”
I understand that they’re connected, but I still get tripped up. I think part of why the correlation is less obvious is because your business and destuckification are the same thing. Whenever you model something (which I always appreciate), you are in effect promoting your business. If I were to blog about working on my stuff, it does not naturally lead a reader to think, “Gee, I could really use some art photography.” (We’ll, um, ignore for the moment the fact that my main blog doesn’t do this for the most part either.)
What would be useful for me is to learn more about how to work on both simultaneously when your Thing is a product and not a service (or when your Thing is not related to destuckification).
Laughing at myself. This post is just what I needed.
A few years ago, I got a style statement from Danielle LaPorte’s old company. They said that my personality and life could be encapsulated in two words: “Tailored Ease.”
That is exactly what I want, and I’ve been sort of triangulating on getting it, which is tricky.
I think more destuckification and play is definitely in order. My “stress and figure it out” thing obviously isn’t working!
Without having to like it or appreciate it or be grateful for it… is there any possibility that some aspect of this is going to turn out to be helpful?
I looove this. When people talk about finding the positive or the lesson in something I don’t like, I always feel resistant to it, like if I do that then I’m giving up my right to dislike it, or giving in to it, or something like that. This question doesn’t bring up that resistance, and it makes it OKAY to dislike it… 😉
Aaah, the Kitchen Table is sooo tempting, but my toothache tells me that I need to stick to my decision that my moneys need to go elsewhere for now.
I just wanted to drop in and say that, though I’ve been quiet lately, I read and appreciate everything you give us for free here. From the sharing to the reminders to a place to just check in or gwish (GWISH!), finding my way here has definitely made my life better.
Little pirate dude, this may be your most helpful post ever. Or maybe it’s just me.
Oooo this is such a useful sharing Havi. Thank you.
I’ve had a year of play, exploration and safety on my blog and it’s been so, so amazing and healing and oooo yummy in a big, soulful kind of way.
And even without being sat at your Kitchen Table that was, in many ways, thanks to you and I’m so grateful sweetie.
Write a blog you said to us all. It’s a good ritual. Just try it. Knowone need know or see it. So again – thank you Havi, thank you for your timely words!
And so now I hope that the sense of play, safety and ease of my blog, my belly, my heart starts to manifest, to move n shake itself into a business, into products and that I worry less about them being perfect.
With thanks and love,
Leila x
“Really, whatever isn’t working in your business is mostly made up of — and directly related to — everything that is stuckified for you in general.”
Ah, yes. What would really help me, I think, would be to find a way to integrate destuckifying more into my day (or just to remember to do so more often) – in the moments when I’m having troubles or coming up with resistance or am blocked. I tend to file things away and try to remember to pull a problem out during an eventual Shiva Nata practice, which is not particular efficient.
@Ty Barbary – That’s exactly what stuck out for me too. Those smart and creative things are so elusive when you’re tired and overwhelmed, right?
Holding the culture, to me means analyzing systems (sorry Havi, I know those words will grate on you) to figure out what will improve the situation for all concerned, not just to hold hands, but to lead.
I just had an unpleasant experience with a Tony Robbins “Coach.”
It was all goals, goals, GOALS! Not listening to me, framing questions in unnecessarily restrictive (and stupid AND unimaginative) ways.
That system depends on people seeing themselves as incomplete.
Several times I had to be like, “um, actually what you are recommending I believe is harmful and not conducive to my productivity or my well-being.”
Then I was scolded for disagreeing with the “Tony Robbins System” which apparently has 100 years of doctor’s testing behind it…bla bla bla bullshit!
I looked at the coach’s website again and noticed that just like Tony he boasts having “a beautiful wife.”
I recalled that one of the things that turned me off from Tony was his inability to describe his wife with any other adjective than “beautiful.” Sure, she looks like a super-model. Is that what all his devotees aspire to? Or is his vocab just that limited.
The whole thing depressed me for a few hours.
But then I remembered Havi! And the revolution you and folks of your ilk are creating.
Thank you thank you thank you. For doing it differently. For healing people and promoting a gentle, mindful approach.
You are what the world needs now.
Happy new year!
But people will still be in their stuff, and you have to just let them be in their stuff. And not all of them want to work on their stuff. And baby, that’s how it is.
OH yes, how much do I relate? Lots. Plenty. Yes. The unbearable weight of being etc.
When I happened to tell one friend how much I was struggling watching people I care about be in their stuff, she just nodded and said, “yes, it’s a lot easier if you believe in reincarnation…”
Ha! So simple! Being agnostic I decided to believe that it’s just as likely an outcome as any other and that people I care about who are committed to living their lives inside their stuff can probably come back and have another go at it next time.
Happened to be in one of my quantum physics investigating phases also and the notion that there are thousands and billions of parallel universes SOMEWHERE where they’re not in their stuff, right now, and that helped me too.
Until I get confronted with it again, and my sovereignty borders start getting hazy and then exhaling is about all I can do.
But at least in between, I can imagine that our whole life is just one big playground and we’re all just having a go, seeing how we get on, and we get to come back and have another go later too. Bonus!
hehehe – cunning philosophical mouse. excellent
Happy dry docking Hav-star. Gwishing that whatever barnacles you find while dry-docking are interesting and very very useful!
Love x
Wow – asking “What’s Useful Here?” is SO powerful.
And I’ll share my favorite question – something I got from my wonderful friend Erica Rock:
“How can it get any better then this?”
whether things are feeling great or not so great, asking this question is an invitation to let my unconscious and the universe open to and look towards how things CAN get better from where ever the are – I’ve found it helpful and remarkably powerful.
Andy
Safe at harbor, dreaming and planning future voyages: that’s where I am. It’s a good place to be.
Oh, and I have a love note for the Kitchen Table.
Dear Kitchen Table:
Hey! Hi! Here I am, on the porch, peeking excitedly through the window. I want to come in! In the coming year, I’ll be exploring ways to save/raise/make the money that will let me apply for 2012 — and that will be a practice, in and of itself. Meanwhile, I will enjoy the view from the porch. Hey, is that a swing? Don’t mind if I do!