Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Sunday!
This morning I woke up with five sweet little wishes nestled in the palm of my hand. Like little colored puffballs.
That’s never happened before. It was a pretty cool feeling.
Let’s do it.
Thing 1: Ease and clarity for the rendezvous on Monday .
Here’s what I want:
On Monday I’m meeting with someone to discuss a possibility that is a really big deal for me and for the business.
I am so excited that I can hardly sit still. And also noticing some anxious what-ifs from some sad, scared parts of me who think that now is going to be like then.
I want to be filled with sweetness and caring when I interact with these parts of me-from-then.
And to go into this meeting feeling strong, confident, clear and ready. Grounded and present.
To enter as I wish to be in it.
To learn or to remember that this entire experience can go smoothly. What if it can be pleasurable and harmonious? What if all options are good? Yeah!
Ways this could work:
I can do five minutes of Shiva Nata on it and have realizations!
I can ask metaphor mouse to help me rewrite my words and experiences so that I remember that now is not then.
When does a meeting not have to be stressful and terrifying? When it’s a rendezvous!
I can prepare code words. And I can also do various entry rituals to prepare myself for the experience and to shape my relationship with it.
Oh! Of course. Find the version of me who knows how to be in this situation, and ask her to come to the front of the V.
My commitment.
To do my secret marathon training sessions (shhhh, this is a proxy and it’s actually relaxing).
To reflect. To investigate. To plant the wish.
And I will spend time hanging out with my new friend: the concept and essence of EQUALITY. Spending time experiencing this quality helps me remember that I am not a supplicant. I am not dependent on other people’s decisions, even when I am reminded of painful situations from a time when that was true or felt true.
We are all equals. We are all in this together.
Thing 2: What January name will the last Crown Pouncer hold?
Here’s what I want:
The January Rally (Rally!) is going to be so ridiculously great.
This Rally can hold fourteen people, aside from me. We have thirteen of these people. We had fourteen but then someone had to move her spot.
So.
We also have fourteen special-edition one-time-only navy blue Crown Pouncers. One for each person coming.
Thirteen of these Crown Pouncers are each secretly and gently holding a name in their navy blue mouths. And there is one lonely Crown Pouncer who does not know which name to hold.
What if the last person for the January Rally signs up this week?
Ways this could work:
I’m not sure.
It’s just going to.
There is someone out there who is going to know that this is the time.
I will also add that this particular Rally has three people coming who were at Crossing the Line, and two people who were at my Shiva Nata training. You can ask them all your questions!
My commitment.
To kiss the Crown Pouncer on the nose every day, and remind him that we can still love this person madly even if we don’t know who it is yet.
Thing 3: You need these holiday cards.
Here’s what I want:
Everyone in the world needs to read this blog post. And if you hang out at the Twitter bar, then follow @bradmcginty.
And then order his incredibly disturbing and super-awesome Christmas cards.
Five dollars. Because let’s face it, such an incredibly entertaining post deserves five dollars just for existing.
My dad said that instead of going to church on Sundays, my grandfather would often go “Irish fishing,” which entailed leaving before sun-up and returning late in the day with a bunch of stones. My father was never allowed to go with him, because he was half woman (on his mother’s side).
Anyway, you need these cards. Everyone needs these cards. I’m getting some too.
Let’s support this guy’s crazy-ass mission. I love it. So much.
Ways this could work:
I am telling you about it right now. Buy these cards.
Also I will alert the Frolicsome Bar.
My commitment.
Cards!
Thing 4: Thursday’s workshop.
Here’s what I want:
I’m running a workshop on Thursday for the hard rocking ladies of the roller derby team that I sponsor.
It’s on visualizations and how to make them work for you. And how to turn them into full-body Perceptings. And how to show up to a situation in your strongest force field, ready to break some furniture and take stuff apart.
It’s going to be awesome. Except that I want to be able to fit about seven hundred hours of material into two hours. Or, failing that, to plant all the right seeds.
Seeds. Got it.
Ways this could work:
Shiva Nata. Shiva Nata. Shiva Nata.
My commitment.
Doonsk doonsk!
Dance it up. Let it be fun.
Thing 5: Prep work.
Here’s what I want:
There are two big announcings that need to happen this week.
Possibly three, depending on what happens at Monday’s rendezvous.
This requires some deep internal and external preparations.
And some interactions with an old iguana.
Ways this could work:
Trust. Faith. Practice. Play.
My commitment.
Crown. Scepter. Bubbles. Force field.
To remember that now is not then. Now is now, and now is better.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted to know how all my seemingly-contradictory wishes could fit together, and that happened really fast Hooray!
Then I wanted to write a HAT and I did not write that HAT. Though I had a very good reason for not writing it, and I learned something about why I’m not writing it. So that was useful.
I also wanted to arrange a holiday for the pirate queen, and I renamed it! It is now the First Absconding. And it’s in the works. Not completely planned, but the elements are all there. Progress!
Next I wanted to take steps on the Grand Enthusiastic, and that is going to be worked out during the Absconding.
And I asked for ease-filled monster negotiations, and we had lots of these. DEEP EXHALE.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Follow
My ask this week is for relief from the overwhelming anxiety that is consuming me. Even though there is less than 1 week left to the semester, I still have a TON to do and am behind on nearly every front. It causing me that paralyzing anxiety where I can’t seem to move forward on anything. Not good.
Ways this could resolve:
+ Continue to exercise
+ Cuddle the kitties
+ Emails to my friend
+ Stop avoiding my to do list and instead prioritize that which must be done or the world really will end 😉
+ Remind myself that this is only a temporary state
+ Take a day off from my responsibilities at the retirement community
My commitment:
To remember to breathe when I feel the anxiety strangling my chest. To remind myself that I have gotten through similar situations before. To rejoice when this week is finally over and the grades have been submitted.
@Havi, I’m gwishing all good things for your meeting Monday!
What I want:
To finish a major phase of needed paper sorting and recordkeeping this week.
How it could happen:
> I could stay focused.
> I could identify a proxy for starting paperwork sessions.
> I could schedule short breaks instead of having all the breaks at the beginning of the day. I could wrap a present during each break if I need a sparkly color infusion, since almost all of the papers are black and white. I could take a walk as a break, since there are sparkly holiday lights in the neighborhood, even in the daytime.
> I could remember that I don’t have to buy all the holiday presents yet.
> The monsters could stay in their own monster bar for the rest of the week. They could color Christmas cards while drinking wassail.
My commitment:
> To remember I’d like to make completing this a present for my future self of Friday, when I have another commitment.
> To buy or prepare healthy snacks for use during this process.
> To find all the colored wrapping paper so it will be handy for breaks.
What I want:
Ease and spaciousness in my relationship to a thing.
How it could happen:
Conversations with Future Me
Safe rooms for the pain
Superpowers of trust and longing
Permission to take time for this and to feel how I feel
Monster negotiations!
Shavasana
My commitment:
To give this some time and love
To ask for help
I just realized that my usual idea regarding the New Year is a version of “Enter the way you wish to be in it; exit as you wish to continue.” Because for years I have known that the way the year starts sets the tone for the whole year.
So, halfway through December, I’m thinking about Next Year and what I want, and what I want, as the Word of the Year, and as a Theme is EASE. I’m tired of hard, I’m tired of depression, I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of messes and unfinished business and routines that don’t work anymore.
I want to start the year with things in place, arrangements made, and repairs done, gifts planted for Future Me and, basically to use all the things that I’ve learned on this site and at Rally to make more spaciousness and ease.
I’m going to start by decorating for Christmas, because when I rearrange the living and dining rooms to accommodate that, I have an opportunity to Set Things Up for the undecorating and winter cozy.
I’m going to enlist some assistants, some Iguana Exterminators, some Hammenchen (I spelled that wrong,but you know what I mean, those helpful little elves that Havi wrote about), and some magic while keeping in mind this vision of what I want. I’m going to think about what Done looks like, and about Enoughnes. s I’m going to invoke the power of “Enough Already” and “So What?” (So What if I need this right after I get rid of it? So What if no one else likes this thing that I love?).
My commitment is to do it consciously and with safety, using my force field and my magic powers. Also to copy this into the Book of Me and refer to it frequently. To write Ease on my palm and press it into my heart.
“We are all equal” – love it!!
*** Update ***
Last week I wanted quiet preparing time and I got it. But now I wants more! I have big asks but I need to ask them to the Universe.
*** Thing 1 : Quiet, preparing, peacefulness
That’s all!
Lightheartedness. Play.
Enough sleep.
Lack of ‘need’ and ‘urgent’ and ‘responsibility’
to experiment with it. to record the experiment. to notice ways in which this is possible. to enter the way in which i want to be in it. to see small ways in which I can interact differently with demands made on me and my time.
*** Thing 2: a good meeting.
Joining in with all the smart stuff Havi wrote.
I am nervous for the meeting but I don’t want to be. Perhaps I can use my recently found superpower of chilled conversation and Finding Out What’s Up. I want to be honest and express my concerns. I need help.
*** Thing 3: A road map
A vision or a map or something leading to the way out of the dissertation. Something physical to remind me of it. Something visible and tangible. Something to work with and feel safe in. Something to know that there is enough time but also: there can be change of what is not working.
*** Thing 4: More travel!
I never did a gap year and now everyone is doing gap years. I want to investigate my relationship to travel as well as the options/blocks/monsters there. I want to look for options, opportunities, volunteering, all of it.
*** Thing 5: an investigation
Concretely, I want to create an option to spend less time in my current city. If it doesn’t happen, I’d love to sit and talk to monsters.
Big Asks!
But so good to put it out there.
Progress report:
* got hair cut
* still coughing, but much less than a week ago
* looked good enough in a shawl that I put on when cold that the Beautiful Young Man even snapped a photo of me
Thing 1: finishing the Big Projects without making myself sick or making everyone else around me sick of me
Ways this could work: Putting them first. Deferring or even ignoring Twitter and the morning paper. Putting everything non-urgent onto the “after I turn these in” list. Treating myself to breakfast + revising sessions at the bakery, aka enjoying the perks of being a grownup who can decide to do things like that. Reminding myself that I actually enjoy the work involved with both projects — I’m just freaked out by their bigness and the nearness of the deadlines.
My commitment: To tackle project M1 for at least an hour before errands and chores each day, until it is indeed done.
Thing 2: pause button for my mouth. There are several situations coming up where I’m going to be tempted to share and to show off my awareness/knowledge/experience/skills, which isn’t a bad thing in itself — until it gets in the way of being discreet/kind/patient and I end up kicking myself afterward.
Ways this could work: I could put a copy of this VPA in my in-box so that I see it before I enter those situations. I could pretend I’m an actress being paid to listen to lines being repeated. I could put the Rosenberg or some other NVC book in my purse, or a prayerbook. I could put this VPA in my wallet or paperclip it to my to do list. I could remind myself that I can always send a note afterward if what I want to say is so compelling. I could write it out on my clipboard first before jumping into the discussion — and if the discussion has moved on by then, I could remind myself of the previous sentence.
My commitment: I’ll start with printing this out. And I need to have a chat with me-from-then that is resisting all of this because of people who tried to shut me up or dismiss me years ago, as well as another me-from-then who is still awfully paranoid about what the cool kids might be saying behind my back. (Ooof.)
Slightly Future Me would like to point out that she looks fabulous in part because she isn’t losing sleep over wish-she-hadn’t-saids (or wish-she’d-saids, for that matter) or what-they-might-be-sayings.
Um. That kind of surprised me, typing all that out. So I think that’s all from me for this week. Wishing everyone good things.
Those cards are fan-freaken-tastic! Sending enthusiasm for your gwishes 🙂
I haven’t done this in a while, so bear with me (or zebra or antelope, or maybe anteater, yes, anteater with me).
Update on many many VPAs past:
Marty got a temp job in August, then he got a real job that started two weeks before the temp job was going to end, and it is only 5 minutes from our house. Plus he’s passed 3/4 of the CPA exam. Huzzah!
My gwishes are for a smooth transition into the slightly Future Me who is going to be part of this community for the foreseeable future. I was ready to move, I was even trying to purge unnecessary items so we could move. That we get to stay is still not quite processed in my brain.
How this can happen: Journaling. Patience. Gentleness. Ease. Maybe meeting someone else local who is learning to be a new person in the same old place as well.
My commitment: Patience. Gentleness. Love.
I would also like to find happy new homes for all the artwork I’ve made, past, present and future. Slightly Future Me is embracing her love of drawing and the drawn image, and needs room to create more works. This is difficult when the studio is filled with all the old quilts, hats, stuffed animals, etc.
How this can happen: I am not exactly sure. I already have a small Etsy shop (http://andreastern.etsy.com ). I’ve listed on several online galleries. I’ve even shown in shows.
My commitment: To continue to love the old work and appreciate it for the foundation it gave me to create my new work. To not give up.
Thank you for anteatering with me.
Last Sunday I placed a VPA for vulnerability. I don’t know if that’s what I got.
I have cried every day this week. And then today I realized there was still a bunch of his stuff in my house and so I purged for the last time ( and took the stuff to the “Boutique” at the dump.) This was what I got rid of:
– The Art of French Cooking (bar exam passing gift)
– Mickey Mouse Wine Stopper (from our first thanksgiving together)
– Manny Ramirez rookie card (3rd date gift)
– Willow Tree Angel his mom gave me,
– Santa Wine bag holder his mom gave me,
– 6 other books,
– down slippers.
Is vulnerability basically pain?
Doh, hit enter too soon.
So, my VPA for this week is continued vulnerability. And opening. And softening. And forgiving.
For Havi: ease and the right V-leader for the Monday thing.
for everyone: blessings and hopes!
And for me, the VPAage:
thing one: that the new schedule will be the right schedule. I had planned to start mapping the wildcrafting today. But my sweetheart needed me so I helped her instead. So now I’m wanting the new schedule to be just right. I will be mapping tomorrow, and wildcrafting as I go.
ways this could work: it just could. I could make a Hello Day that helps it work. I could go to bed soon so I have all the energy I need. I could meet lovely people tomorrow. I could meet right people, because more places might be open on Monday.
my commitment: to go with adventure and play and open-heartedness and joy.
to say yes unexpectedly.
to not drop the berries.
Thing 2: for pink berry magic. Silent retreat!
that is all for now.
I want time + mind space to meditate on the qualities of Simone-ness and bring it to my baby beeswax. Per Jesse’s counsel.
I want to pretend I’m on Rally.
I would like to remember that everything that’s mine is coming my way and in the meanwhile, remember that whatever feeling of lack I’m experiencing is an illusion.
Also, I would like to find my currently lost Shiva Nata DVD. This is deeply upsetting. RAWR.
I would like to perceive shoes that are not shoes as non-shoes.
I want certain darling friends of mine who are suffering to receive glitter bombs of love and protection and force-fielded-ness from the universe.
I would like the universe to do its thing.
Oh, loook, Commentluv fixed itself. Magic.
No VPA, just delurking to say this is beautiful: “This morning I woke up with five sweet little wishes nestled in the palm of my hand. Like little colored puffballs.”
Gwishing for the Superpower of Extreme Patience.
For my self, and all my crap, and all the sad, scared and appalled Past Mes that are attached to stories/truths that may or may not be so, but either way are not Helpful. Patience for the fact we are still here, or here again, or still In Process. Patience and Trust that my path is MY path, and it is alright to be traveling My Path like this, and that somebody else’s path is THEIR path and patience with the parts of me that are discouraged, envious, and scared we’ll Never Get Anywhere and What’s The Point.
My commitment: to stop and examine the treasures to be found on my slow, windy, uneven, rocky path when Comparisons come up. To put one foot in front of the other. To bring my attention back to my incremental but possible progress, rather than looking at the Enormity Of It All and stopping altogether because of the Smallness of Me.
Also Extreme Patience with my beloved, treasured, most beautiful and precious Little Lad who is a hair-rippingly frustrating pain-in-the-arse quite a lot of the time. Because he works differently to me, and to most people.
Because he takes information in differently to most people.
Because he struggles to make patterns and stories out of information and therefore to learn what to expect, what is appropriate and what to do in situations that are similar-but-different to last time.
For extreme patience with his growing determination to Do Things The Way He Is Attached To (aka functional fixedness) because this means he is developing independence.
For extreme patience with his inability to stay focussed on RELEVANT information because he doesn’t have the same kind of filters that most people do.
For extreme patience with his lack of attention and disinclination around learning/being taught because ….. because I’d hate struggling to learn too when EVERYTHING is about figuring out sequences and what happens next and I DON’T KNOW what happens next or how to figure that out.
For extreme patience with Teacher Me who is yet to figure out how to work with all of these truths AND deliver …life… in a way that is meaningful, accessible, engaging and achievable for her ‘student’.
For extreme patience for Maternal Me who is frightened by What It Might Mean if Teacher Me DOESN’T figure out a way to do it. And pushes in and starts pushing him and getting frustrated and uses The Tone and shouts waaaaaay too often and makes things worse.
Extreme patience, please. Thank you.
My commitment:
To notice Teacher Me feeling like a massive failure and unworthy and remind her that she is still learning her craft and still learning about who she is teaching. To remind her that the puzzle she’s been given is seriously SERIOUSLY complicated (other mothers of autistic kids say AYE). To honour and recognise her intention and desire and efforts to do a Really Good Job at a seriously SERIOUSLY complicated challenge.
To notice Little Lad’s progress too. Maybe put a little mark down for every ‘good job’ throughout the day so we have evidence for the You’re Both Getting Nowhere monsters.
To let Mama Tiger play advocate to It’s Not Good Enough He Should Be [anywhere/anything other than where/who he is] monsters inside my head as well as she does to the outside world. Because lord knows that shizzle will leave that particular monster weeping meek apologies and prmising to be helpful in future….
From last week: The energy leak items are pretty much done. Hurrah! And I have the last two circle names. Hurrah!
This week, I want: to mail all Christmas related things, whether card or gift.
How this could work: It could just happen. I could find the cards right now and put them on my desk. I could put the things in a pile on the floor. I could have an idea.
My commitment: To do those two immediate action things. To not stress over it; I have time.
I also want: It feels like I have space for one last Pause session for December. I would like to find that right person.
How this could work: Someone who has been thinking about it could sign up. I could mention it somewhere(s). A very right person who needs rest could see the page and the special and the time could be right. Serendipity. Magic.
My commitment: To follow my inspiration. To be receptive. To work on my current project-of-enthusiasm and remember that everything else brings energy into this work. To remember the essence of the offering, so I am not tempted to approach it in a way that does not include that essence.
I want to VPA and silent retreat at the same time. Oh joy.
What I want:
To allow my grief/grieving to happen the way it wants to without any judgment or trash talk from my monsters. Also I want to find the part of me who is the Big Sister and get her back on the job so my sweet and wise little sister has someone to support her in her grief.
WTCW:
I’m not sure. It just could. Magic. Angels could help me. I could make a truce with my monsters & offer incentives to honor the truce. I could remember that writing always helps. I could ask for help.
My commitment is to try.
Love to all 🙂
@Kim, sending good wishes to you, big and little both. xxx
Spose I could also set the Mama Tiger shizzle onto any monsters that think IIIIII should be anywhere or anything other than where and who I am too….. hmmmmm…. eeenteresting….
I wish everyone their wishes and VPAs come true!
What I want:
To tie up some of the loose ends that have been flapping around and disturbing my inner peace:
~finish hiring someone for child care
~finish preparing for Chanukah
~resolve my employment status: full time or part time? And when does the full time start?
Ways this could work:
Ohhhh. I guess what I really need is PATIENCE in letting these difficult processes resolve themselves. Since I don’t have full control over any of the situations, I need to breathe through the scary lack of control and be okay with waiting, trusting that everything will not fall down around my ears. (Talking to monsters perhaps? Assuring them that everything will not be doom and disaster?)
My committment:
~To learn how to spell commitment properly.
~To let go of the perfect candidate for child care that isn’t returning my calls, and go to my number two choice.
~To devote an hour to figuring out the Chanukah stuff.
~To keep breathing through the uncertainty of the job status, and telling myself it’s okay to feel anxiety about it.
Thank you, Havi! Just writing a VPA provides me with more clarity and helps the situation.
Oooh Havi yay Monday! *enthusiastics for your gwishes*
UPDATE – Interesting progress. Many VPAs from multiple weeks, which were targeted to a confluence of events happening this past week, didn’t come through more than a smidgen. The one VPA that wasn’t targeted to this week’s happy-berserking, Ease the Terror, came through with shining colors. But even with the VPAs for lovelyman move-in and new job and pain management not working out, the actual events ended up doing their own thing, over there…and even with all the chaos, became magically straightforward.
Sooo I’ve been wondering all weekend if I’ve been going about VPAs from a non-congruent, non-coherent place? Therefore, I’m experimenting a bit with VPA formats to see what ends up fitting.
Thing #1 – To Keep Hold of the Brilliance of HipGnosis.
This is not something I’m actually worried about, since Simone signs and seals her stuff SO well. But I’m putting it in here because a tiny part of myself is squiggly about it, and it’s good reassurance.
Ways This Could Work:
– It could grow instead of fade.
– The qualities could become more of a presence in my life.
– It could become a ritual before entry.
What I’ll Work On:
– Remember: Now Is Not Then.
– Writing up the qualities, dressing them up in gorgeous costumes, and putting them somewhere prominent.
– Repeating “Endless” as often as I remember.
– Draw On The Threshold.
Thing #2 – A Force-field Specifically For My Skin.
My skin is reacting poorly to the variousness & stress of the past week, and is cracking & breaking in unusual ways. I am invested in creating a force-field for it that will protect and nurture it.
Ways This Could Bloom:
– “Mirror Mirror” could hold it, if I try it again.
– One of the Sources could present possible alternate rituals.
– I might conjure up a new potion that would help.
What I’ll Work On:
– I shall love my skin.
– Remember: Keep Humidifying.
– To forgive my body its fragility.
– To give the breaks lots of snuggles and kisses.
Thing #3 – Conversion of Pain.
I had a lovely pain break on Friday, just in time for HipGnosis, which has given me a Clew. I want more Clews to conversion of pain within contexts.
Blooms For It:
– Sun-ways!
– Present-ness vs. Presence.
– Discomfort as poppable bubbles.
What I’ll Plant:
– EFTing and finding the right phrases.
– Opening at the peak point instead of Closing.
* * *
Loads of love and well-wishes for everyone’s VPAs, particularly the Silent Retreat ones, and particularly particularly the grief-VPAs.
Happy mid-December!
It may be reaction to the consumerist pressures of this time of year, which year is very strong for me, but I’m not hving an easy time pinpointing my wants. I feel pretty satisfied overall. But i am also incredibly grateful for:
-Computer being fixed with No Shoes Flying! the joy and releif! and while the computer’s state non-functioning continues there is Ease and Forgiveness and my husband sweetly worked to fix it, and when that failed, apologized and promised to take it to Micorcenter and that all would be well.
-coming up wth a plan to keep this from happening ever ever again, and feeling very sovereign with that plan
-tiny wonderful synchronicities every day, saving me time, money, effort and angst.
-more spoons and better solutions with the kids. This is a direct benefit of the Flailing, and the whole house is a more joyful, peaceful place to be because of it
-pattersn revealing themselves. patterns not just from the past, but Hints and Clews about My Next Set of Groovy Adventures
-havign adventures! Finally allwoing myself to Feel The Joy, and not just focus on a zombie-like slog from one task to the next because I am bone-freaking-tired
-Sovereignty, Being-In as opposed to Looking-At, Integrating new changes in a seamless elegant way, and feeling like I do pretty much RAWK this week.
Thing # 1 -Thing I want- to wrap up my college apps this week. Davis is done. Now just need to review Irvine and finish off UCLA. Then bam, I will be all applied to grad school. Except I still need to record myself speaking Spanish for a few minutes.
WTCW – I could just use the practice tape I did for my presentation in class – the one I listened to and was ready to use to present. I could take the time to think about what I want to talk about and make it an important part of my application – ie talking about failing the ironman and working to achieve my goals and not letting anything stop me… that sounds good actually… hmmm
My Commitment –
Thing # 2 – Time to make dough, literally. Which ties into planning ahead, and almost even gifts for future Mel.
WTCW – Tomorrow night I could just take over the kitchen and do it. I could look for the space and find a way. OR I could set out the ingredients tomorrow morning before I leave for work with a big bowl on the dining table. Then bam, when I get home, there’s time to make the dough or I can make the dough while my husband makes dinner/insists we watch TV.
My Commitment – To put the ingredients into a bowl either tomorrow morning or tonight when I get home so that way it’s ready waiting for me tomorrow night. Also, to put the water in the fridge so that I have cold water per the recipe. Preparing for future Mel, go me 🙂
OK. Game on.
I want:
(1) To finish this paper on time, do a good job of it considering the time that’s left, and not want to die every second of it.
Ways this could work:
Good lord, I do not know.
Sleeping on it could have generated some quick-writing ideas.
I could finish my work-work so my brain is freed up for this.
My commitment:
To say, This might turn out better than expected!
(2) To DO MY WORK. Stop procrastinating. Support my boss. Get out from under this pile of iguanas and guilt.
How this could happen:
I could leave the internet alone until I’ve done my morning to-do list.
I could not chat with friends, likewise.
I could make a centering ritual of some kind. (Soon!)
Momentum could build up.
My commitment:
To look at my iguana-with-strawberry picture and say, “hey, you.”
(3) Strength, clarity, and insight for this battle I’m fighting. I want to remain open-minded without being a pushover; I want to defend myself without cruelty. I want to define my obligations and commitments, and I want to make a decision about when walking away is justifiable.
How I could get this:
Extra therapy sessions.
Time and concentration on the nuances of communication.
Bulletproof force field. Scary vampire-eating guard dogs.
Pump-up songs.
Words of love from my boyfriend and friends.
Some goddamn magic.
Something else I haven’t thought of.
I could let go of the hope of progress. I could rethink my “right technique=good results” expectations.
My commitment:
To use my own compass and smash the rest.
Good luck, everybody.
I know I talk here way too much and push the ‘amnesty’ idea to the limit…. but couldn’t wait til next week to report…
I woke up this morning. And just felt better. Depression dissolving by switching out of wheel-grinding and writing up a VPA for the win….
Hold on people. Just keep showing up. That’s the practice. It’ll work out okay.
Also, Havi your idea of equality is so SO beautiful. I believe it. We are all students. We are all teachers. We are all trying to find our way.
Here it is in musical form as expressed by Ben Lee, a fellow Aussie hippy-assed nerd just like me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BpnCV-DNDo
xxxxx love to all.
I usually just read and don’t post, but this one VPA is so necessary that I want to post it somewhere so that it can, I don’t know, gather some energy.
I need to find a compassionate way to say “no” to something that is pushing so many buttons that I can’t see straight, but which other people are expecting me to take on, even though it’s really not mine to take on.
And I need to find that compassionate “no” NOW because I have to do something important later in the week that I need to do clear-headed preparation for. And I’m trying to do both of these things and juggle some other scary intense things without being able to talk openly about most of the things that are going on.
So, there are too many things, and too many secrets, and not enough safe people to tell the secrets to. Which is all blocking my ability to come up with the compassionate “no.”
So, my gwish is to find a way to stand up for my own sovereignty and play with language until I find the right way to say what I need to say.
Thanks for the space.
Dear Special Short-Term Creative Project:
I would like for us to have a wonderful time together for the next two weeks, and I’d love for us to make some magic together.
I will give you time, love, and playfulness every day.
I commit to plenty of deep breaths and tender smiles.