It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Sharing what was going on for me.
Even when I didn’t want to.
Being open, honest and vulnerable.
Being open, honest and vulnerable is hard. Really hard. No wonder everyone avoids it like the plague.
I was able to notice the tightness in my body, notice when I was contorting, and remember that nothing is more important than being connected to truth, my quiet internal knowing.
Next time I might…
Remember that my fear is always motivated by the desire for safety.
Hahaha my mind.
It loves me so much that it wanted to keep me from dealing with a painful thing, so it latched onto every possible Ludicrous Fear Popcorn scenario this week in an attempt to keep me being paranoid and panicky about the wrong things so I wouldn’t put my attention to the thing that actually hurt.
As Briana wisely said, it’s like an Accidental Proxy!
Well done, brain. I see what you’re doing there. Thanks for trying to protect me.
Go back to best practices sooner.
When times are tough, I know what works for me. Get on the floor. Breathe.
Slow steady old turkish lady yoga. Bath time. Napping. Taking exquisite care of myself.
This week held a lot of moments where I tried to power through instead, despite the (internally gathered) scientific evidence that this is not an effective strategy for me.
I get it. Small-me thought being busy was a good way to not feel the feelings. And of course there was lots of monster appeasement going on.
Anyway, floor. Get on the floor and breathe, Havi Bell. You will feel better.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This week came with no shortage of challenge, as you might have gathered from my post about the painful things. That has all been eclipsed though because my mother died last night, and who can remember the rest now, so I’m just going to let all of my breaths be for that. A breath for breathing.
- A breath for releasing.
- A breath for love.
- A breath for trust and more trust.
- A breath for sweetness.
- A breath for comfort.
- A breath for letting things be as they are.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I was able to write. A breath for the healing power of words.
- Even though I didn’t get to go to any dances this week due to all the hard stuff going on, there was one beautiful practice with Eric that took my mind off of all the pain for an entire beautiful hour. A breath for reprieve.
- A radiant weekend filled with breath and sweetness. A breath for being treasured, for allowing treasure, for being present.
- Saying the hard true things, even when it was scary. Experiencing what it is like when the hard true things can be received with love. A breath for honesty combined with sweetness.
- Doing things to take care of me. A breath of thank you.
- Declaring this week to be internally productive rather than externally. Haha, not just this week, more like the last couple years. Right now everything is about Internal Productivity, not necessarily the kind you can see from outside. I am making progress on processing stuff with heart and mind. That’s the work I’ve been doing. The external fruits of that will be apparent later, the main point is: I need to pay attention to where the work is happening instead of thinking that there’s no work happening. I need to stop looking critically at what isn’t happening on my projects and look at what is happening inside of me. A breath for clear seeing.
- My body, which gives me clear intel even when I don’t want to hear it. This whole week was basically my head saying “this is so hard and complicated” and my body saying “no this is so clear and simple” and my head saying “but but but all the fears and all the reasons” and my body saying, “listen, we know truth”. A breath for knowing, whether I am brave enough to act on it in that moment or not.
- Thankfulness. Wise loving friends who say all the right things and who also know when the only thing that needs to be said is “hey, I love you and you will be okay”. So much sweetness in my life and so much permission, and finally able to see it and appreciate it. Configurations and patterns that have changed. Being held and adored. The person I am missing is also missing me. So many things are beautiful. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
This wasn’t much of a week for ops, like I said, it’s all internal right now, however we made some progress on Luscious Consonance, and I am going to trust that everything else is moving under the surface, with the magic of fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
This post called tiny bits of wisdom. Very relevant in times of grief, which for me is now.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of turning inward for guidance and getting it.
In fact, this week I got the same guidance over and over again:
1. You can choose to be in a story, or you can choose to breathe steadiness.
2. There is enough love for everyone. You are not the sole provider of love. There is enough love. Trust that love is available for everyone.
Superpowers I want.
The superpower of acting on guidance in addition to listening it. And same as last week: Trusting That the Loving No Is The Door To True Yes!
The Salve of There Is enough Love For Everyone.
When I rub this into my skin, all of me begins to soften, not just my skin.
This salve resolves disharmonious situations, it heals unsovereignty. When I wear this salve, I remember that I am not the source. Source is the source.
And then it’s simple. Might not be easy (though it might!), it’s just simple.
I can breathe love for everyone, I can breathe love for myself. I can love-more-trust-more, I just don’t have to labor under the distortion that if I don’t do X or Y, other people won’t get the love they need or won’t know that they are loved.
They can know it or not know it, trust it or not trust it. Either way, there is enough love for them because there is enough love for everyone. And taking care of myself to the best of my ability is not an interruption of that love, it is a living out of that love.
This salve smells delicious, because it is made of herbs, sweetness and truth.
For people like me who sometimes have trouble with Tenderness and with Receiving, this salve is a good way to sneak into that. So much grace in here.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes via Briana, and it’s called Your Crazy Is Headed Off The Rails. They are loud and thumpy, and it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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Pebbles and breaths and flowers. Shabbat shalom.
<3
"I need to pay attention to *where* the work is happening instead of thinking that there's no work happening."
***sparks!!!***
My most hard thing this week led me to my most good thing this week, and it has changed everything. At first I thought the good thing was the way I *handled* the hard thing, and yes, that was very good, and it *led* me to something even better. Wow. Thank you, golden crown. Thank you, clarity.
I now invoke the superpower of Exquisite Epiphanies — and also the superpower of Humming Peace.
<3
Quiet presence.
Soft candle light.
Gentle flowers.
Peaceful silence.
Also, the last few years have been “internally productive” for me too. It’s a wonderful expression.
Holding you in the Light. Hoping the Light reaches you. Many hugs and love from the midwest.
-o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o-
<3
and
ooo
The Hard:
1. No sleep, and then more not sleeping, followed by no sleep.
Every day I'd think "it can't go on," and it would go on. It's interesting that I kept looking for the abrupt turnaround, which is my experience of how I come out of insane weeks that aren't working. Usually there's something my energy is chewing on, and once I get it, everything is better.
This week things are turning around gradually. If there's a grand revelation to be had, I haven't had it yet. Still I am trying. It's better than if I weren't trying. And I'm proud of myself for that.
2. Yesterday. Also Saturday.
Here is a small slice of yesterday: I try to make bread but forget (among other things) the baking soda so that it doesn't rise. I try to blend the soup and end up spraying it all over the kitchen, several important documents, and myself, burning my hand. I am just running my hand under cold water when the toddler runs up screaming because she's cut her foot. I clean her up and give her some soup and "bread." She puts the bread on the floor and pours soup on it, then eats most of the bread, then pees in the soup on the floor, which is now so slippery she falls. I put her in the bath to clean off, she promptly poops in the water. I take her out of the bath so I can clean up the poop; she poops on the floor.
Yesterday was like *that* (hilarious, maddening) all the way through. Saturday was similar, and the whole week has been generally off in this manner.
I am apparently practicing "pick your tired self up off the floor and keep trying." Though there was also a fair amount of "go back to bed and cry"-ing.
3. Unexpected relative visit.
Stress about the house being clean and seeing relatives I haven't seen and what it means in my family to talk to people whom other people aren't talking to and etc.
4. Messy house, messy kitchen, laundry not bring done when it needs to be…
5. Dead dream is still dead
And every time I'm reminded, I still cry.
The Good:
1. Keeping Going
Flow and I will find our ways back to each other eventually, and in the meantime I'm walking around looking for flow, which is changing the pattern. 1000 sparklepoints for me.
2. Magic hair
It's magic!
3. The fava beans germinated!!
Well, 6 of them. Out of 10. Because I completely forgot to keep them moist. Still! Over half are going strong and it's so nice to see them. My first overwintering crop!
4. Delicious Recipe
I'm a recipe tester for someone's book, and I got to try her Balinese Chicken recipe and it was *amazing*. There is serious yum going on around here.
Yum.
5. Free range chickens
My live chickens are getting out every day this week and totally eating all the weeds for me.
6. Best toddler ever
My daughter has these moments… Where she slowly runs her hand down the side of my face or kisses me on the forehead or gives me the sweetest most present hug. It's basically the purest love I've even experienced, unless I had some of it in me when I was her age.
Anyways, I love her.
7. Relatives visiting
They are fun people, and I'm happy they stopped by. I think it'd been nine years since I'd seen them last.
8. So much got done
All the little things for the [ ] I manage, most of which I've been putting off since August, got done!
All at once, in this crazy flow state. So flow and I did see a little of each other this week.
More <3 to everyone.
Hearts. Pebbles. Breaths.
Fractal flowers, because flowers!
In my own life, uncomfortable insights abound lately, but oddly, they are hopeful, because these hard things can improve & are improving. Diaphragmatic breathing is my new BFF. Noticing my physical sensations, rather than chatter in my head, telling me how I feel.
I am figuring out What I Need & Want, which will => me supplying myself with WIN&W. I really really like my own company.
o o o o o
Hearts. Pebbles. Breaths for the hard.
For everyone’s hard.
– MrB had a medical test that didn’t turn out well and he’s in his stuff about it and I have to see it happening.
– Feeling bummed about what should be a fun thing coming up.
– Getting behind on my online courses. That are supposed to be fun.
– Too much pain. I don’t know if the cool damp weather is making it worse or if that’s a coincidence, but I hate it.
– Too many people wanting to tell me what I should do about X, and Y, and Z. Especially when they don’t know spit about X and they don’t have to live with Y and Z is none of their business.
Good stuff this week? There’s always good — even if I don’t see it because I’m looking at the hard stuff.
+ MrB (always at the forefront of my thinking) is doing well, in spite of the results of that one test.
+ My Dr S and MrB’s Dr S are both the right guys for what we saw them for.
+ My favorite cafe.
+ Books!
+ My Monday class at the community college.
+ The Tuesday Evening Ritual.
+ The Butler (the cleaning service) that does so much to make the house work for us and also makes us laugh.
Oh dearest girl.
-o-
O O O
<3
I kept reading that sentence over and over to be sure I had read it correctly. Please accept from me: much love; deeply-held hearts; nourishing cleansing breaths; soft, smooth, round grey pebbles; kick-ass dances. And my deepest respect.
I love you, Havi. -o-
Love, love, more love. And heartfelt thanks for sharing your words – your “internal productivity” is powerfully fractal, rippling out through worlds and worlds.
lots of hearts and pebbles and breaths. <3
<3.
Steady drum beats of love to you, Havi Bell.
Many hearts and many pebbles, as many of each as you need.
The hard:
– UKIP win in Clacton. Thinking how lost and despairing people must be to vote for them.
– buses that don’t come
– the cold getting into my clicky knee
– period pain
The good:
– my lovely oddball family
– restarting 100 happy days
– the most beautiful boat in the world
Love more. Trust more. Yes. Will do that.
Sending love for you to step in and breathe whenever you need it.
Hearts hearts hearts.
Pebbles pebbles pebbles.
So much love for you and so many thank yous for all you do.
:: love ::
hearts and pebbles…with additional heart-shaped pebbles <3
the hard:
– patterns from way, way back
– preoccupation about Bolivia
– the passing of a dear friend's young son
– distrust and feelings of non-safety
{deep inhale and exhale}
the good:
– moments of peace
– walk through the park where kids have made so many creative scarecrows as part of an art show
– the helpful painter outside my building who told me I was about to drive away with a mason jar full of coconut water on my roof
– the lovely woman who flagged me down a stop light to tell me my back tire was super low on air
– switching from my comfortable ring to my actual wedding ring even though it's too small because I really love it
– delicious Indian food
Thank you, Week-of-so-many-things-for-so-many-of-us-in-fact-all-of-us <3
Namaste, Havi. There is enough love, and yet, here is even more, from me to you. I am dreaming you a big warm heavenly hammock, full of soft hand-made cushions and crocheted blankets and every colour you could possibly want.
xxx
<3
Sending love, and breath.
Holding you in the light, as my Quaker friends say. <3
Hearts and pebbles and breaths.
The Difficult:
Arm and shoulder pain. Still and still.
The lovely:
The lovely brown eyes of the man who stood and talked for a minute. And looking into his lovely eyes when I talked to him instead of what I used to do which was not look.
Dirt and plants and the smell of earth.
Writing group and feeling at home with my people, with the bonus of having it be story time for grown ups. And the man who said “hello again.”
Feeling back at home in this body of mine. A breath for being home again.
-o- and <3 from a lurker.
lots of love and hugs sent to you xoxox
Sorrow, and love, and peace, and light for you today.
Lots of discomfort in my heart right now.
Sending you some hearts and pebbles.
Thank you everyone for the love and hearts and pebbles and flowers, it means so much to me, and having this community of good-hearted warm people is such treasure. Huge appreciation for all the sweetness.
<3 <3 <3
And thank you Havi for telling us what you would like if we feel drawn to comment. I never know what to say and I tend do go into this procrastination + shame spiral, so it really helps to know what will feel supportive to you.
As for me, my week was a weird blend of good and hard.
The hard:
I got a thing I've wanted for a long long time, but I can't tell people about it. It's kind of a let down to not be able to openly celebrate finally having the thing.
A long, hard day on Friday. Lots of stress and overwhelm. Ugh.
The good:
At least I finally got the thing, even if I can't really talk about it.
When I got home on Friday the ridiculously adorable boyfriend made a delicious, comforting dinner and brought me a glass of wine. I felt all warm and fuzzy and loved.
Love. Pebbles. Flowers.
Light, some tea and more love. <3
Flowers, love/hugs, love/breaths, pebbles.
The Hard – Ambient sadness. Holland/American Store where my parents and then The Dude and I got our fix of Dutch chocolate, cookies and throat lozenges closed at the end of June. We will have to find another place to get our Drostes. (Dutch Chocolate.) Have already asked the Internet and gotten a lead. This is not a request for info.
The Good – Scrapbook fix. Have gotten a jump on the Big Skyline card project.
The house and yard presentable for People who Came.
SMOPL. Need to remember this.
Chicken Lee over and out!