It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Trust.
Specifically trusting the fractal flowers, trusting that working on one thing is working on all the other things, even if very indirectly.
When I remembered trust, every single thing that happened or didn’t happen was just right, and I felt amazing.
When I forgot this, things were rough. It’s always about remembering, isn’t it.
Next time I might…
Pause and breathe. Reset.
And then again.
It’s that pause, that’s when I can remember.
Not in the go-go-go, not in the rush.
The pause is smarter than the rush. Sometimes I avoid the pause because I am afraid of all the beautiful truth I will know when I am clear. It’s almost as if I don’t want to remember. So a breath. And then another one.
A breath for truth-love, and for remembering.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Grief comes in waves, this is a known thing, and something I’ve through many times. And yet, each new wave catches me off guard. I am wearing my mom’s red coat. It’s the only thing she owned that fits me, and, interestingly, perfectly, it looks like a Havi coat. It lives at the tiny perfect pinpoint of the center of a Venn Diagram of her life and mine. It is warm and it is red, and I miss her. A breath for this.
- Pretzel France died this week. She was an amazing human being, I taught a number of workshops at her beautiful yoga studio in San Francisco several years ago. So much love in my heart for her, and so much sadness. A breath for Pretzel and her wonderfully infectious laguh.
- The chocolate shop is driving me crazy, again. So many system failures. I have no patience. People leave doors unlocked, no one shows up for appointments, someone invented a gas leak (not even a metaphor!) and we had to deal with this fictitious problem in the middle of the night. I don’t know what to do about any of this. A breath for perfect simple solutions or perfect simple turnarounds or even perfect simple escape hatches, whatever the answers are here, may they reveal themselves in right timing.
- Worry. It isn’t helpful and yet, there it is. A breath for comfort, may we all have as much of it as we need.
- So very overwhelmed by all the things that need doing. A breath for trust, patience, magic, hope, sweetness.
- Oh, things that are hard, they are hard and panicky. Internet trolls, bullshit at the eye doctor visit, fun hormonal body dysmorphia, a terrible time at dance, all kinds of things that make me a little crazy. A breath for trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
- And in the ongoing theme, the continued encounters with all the ways I relinquish my sovereignty, compromise my desires, neglect to state my preferences, avoid opportunities to treasure myself. This week’s sovereignty challenge came in the form of an incongruous, unexpected and unpleasant moment with someone I know from dance. We’ve taken a few workshops together and mutually agreed a few months ago to share some practice sessions. Because I like clarity and dislike misunderstandings, I made it very clear that my interest was dance-only and not anything else. We both have been traveling quite a bit and busy with work, so it hasn’t happened yet. On Tuesday he asked if I had time to practice that evening, and I didn’t (aw wish I could, have plans! smiley face!), and he said: “When we are both back in town I request that you make a more focused effort to ensure that we can get together”. Right. These are those WTF situations where I am completely clear on what I want (No thank you, abusive communication patterns! Goodbye, person who doesn’t get to be in my life!), and yet completely unclear on the form this takes. I got so tangled up trying to find words that would not invite commentary or argument. Yet again, a breath for trust and more trust and even more trust after that.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Coziness! Turning it into an extreme sport. Curling up on the couch by the fire, wrapped in blankets, with a steaming bowl of delicious soup and a mug of ginger tea. A breath for choosing warmth.
- Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic is coming up, and I am so excited for this Grand Adventure. A breath for clear knowing, and for the right partner to adventure with.
- Four and a half hours of west coast swing Saturday night. A breath of thank you for exactly what I needed.
- Sunday night was exquisitely beautiful and made everything better. Sometimes waiting a long time for the magic makes it extra-magic. A breath for all the sparks.
- Being called Mlle. Honeybelle, by my favorite people. A breath for all the sweetness.
- Once I remembered to trust the things happening under the surface, I had two of the most productive days I’ve ever had outside of a Rally. Actually, I hate the word ‘productive’. I hate that it makes it sound like doing is better than not-doing, like producing is the thing that matters. I had two days of flow. Flowductivity! Conductivity! Things were conducted. Through me. And suddenly all the things that hadn’t been working got taken care of. A breath for everything being okay, and for remembering.
- Sometimes yoga is magic. One one of the hard days this week, two hours on the floor took me from a mess of tight-fear-anxious pain into feeling like a radiant glowing ball of love and wonder. A breath for the magic of sweet, conscious, intentional breathing.
- Thankfulness. Heart full of love. Wise friends gave good counsel. Tiny miracles everywhere. So much sweetness in my life, so much kindness, so much generosity and permission. So many things are beautiful. This week I was bracing myself for many days apart from [person I like], since even one day feels like months, and this was going to be a lot of days apart, but then things moved and reconfigured, as they do, and I received closeness instead of distance. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Operation Clear Bell is still in effect, I am working on The Sultry Speedy Chicken of Sanguine Secret Ops, Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic is good to go, and I am trusting the fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
Four years ago I wrote a post on discouragement. Everything I said there is still useful. It was interesting (and — haha, yes, discouraging! though then not!) for me to read it and realize that only one of the four people I listed there as the ones I look up to is still in my life, my wonderful uncle Svevo.
It was a sad moment, except then it turned into a strong one, because I was able to see again and realize that yes, okay, even as everything ends, changes, reconfigures, I am still held, I am still okay, I am still here.
Svevo is still here too. I get to see him in a couple of days. And new allies come in to my life when they’re needed, just like one of these four beautiful people predicted. All is well. Nothing is wrong. I have had the right people for me in my life, and I continue to have the right people for me in my life, and maybe some of the ones who are gone will come back, and either way it will be okay.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of steady perspective, and the power of No One Gets To Talk To Me Like That Because I Am A Queen.
Superpowers I want.
The superpower of I Take Care Of Myself Calmly, Easily and Unapologetically.
The Salve of glowing love.
This salve feels like a breath right into the center of your heart.
It touches your skin, and then your heart breathes. It breathes differently, like it just got an infusion of soft sunshine. There is a warming, and then a deepening, and then you can feel the glow spreading.
You can glow this glow inward through your body, and outward through your space.
You can let it glow itself, ner tamid, the eternal spark-flame. Literally it means the forever candle.
This is the salve of I remember that I am a forever candle.
This salve makes worry unnecessary, it invites in peacefulness. Everything that isn’t mine leaves. Everything that is mine returns.
It is a salve of letting go and a salve of receiving in equal measure. It is lovely in the bath, and it smells faintly of cloves.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is called Jet Rock The Boat, they are brought to you by autocorrect, they play music that reminds me of The Cure (sad Cure, not happy Cure), and it’s actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Follow
Friday!
The Hard:
Nerves and disks not being quite where they belong yet.
Packing up my office. Tedious and having the wrong kind of boxes and the telephone people not knowing they are supposed to be putting in telephones.
The Good:
The doctor reminding me that my arm and neck are getting better, and that tiny cells have rushed to the area and are working around the clock to make me better. But they are very tiny so it takes them a while. But they are there. Hooray for the tiny healers!
Writing group: it is such a magical place where we come together and pour our hearts out and ask people to help us make our hearts and souls more clear and more shining. When I am there, I am with my people and my soul is renewed.
Moving: Freedom and space and beautiful tan walls with white trim and having it be mine all mine.
Past Me: Reading my journal from last December about all the things I wanted to be and do and seeing that I am doing some of them. Yay for movement.
I need to add an addendum of good things, the best being when I was standing in line at the bookstore and I wasn’t a member to get special discounts and then the woman behind me said “she’s my sister, she can use my card” which meant that I saved $10 and almost cried at her out-of-the-blue wonderfulness to a complete stranger. And then I almost wished her Merry Christmas.
And to share a salve that I found today which was labeled “Everyone Wants To Help You and Can Help You.” I was swimming in it today so come and dip your feet or sprinkle some on some toast.
Thank you, seagirl ~
what a wonderful salve that is!
The hard:
– getting sucked into reading draaaaaama that I couldn’t help with and that wasn’t good for me (and just done it again, damnit!)
– horrible crowded train
– too many people too much noise
– actually, this wasn’t what we were talking about
The good:
– getting the Pocket Common Prayer app. Rhythm and ritual. Being in where I am.
– clocks have gone up = daylight in the mornings!
– I have a choir! And I hardly had to push at all.
– Pilates. SO GOOD.
– things to write about. Lots of them.
– staying in touch
I like this salve. I am going to take a bath in it.
I would like to whisper my gratitude for the Procrastination Dissolve-O-matic this week…
This week and last have been all about setting up systems when working on a new big project. I reread this amazing resource (when I wasn’t procrastinating) to remind myself of all the things I can do when it hits… and I’m hoping that now that I have a little cheat sheet of all the things I can do to help myself move forward, I can interrupt the pattern of procrastination while it is just a little stuck – before it becomes a big “stuck”. Thank you!
<3
A breath for realizing that I’m feeling overwhelmed.
A breath for realizing during the class last week that I don’t want to be in the class.
A breath for internal connectedness and not letting projections get in the way.
A breath for body sovereignty on the rise.
A breath for saying the number with a laugh and a smile.
A breath for parkour… the triumphs and the frustrations.
A breath for snuggling in real life and in dreams.
A breath for money things and the slowest untangling, which is still untangling.
A breath for sick days… and learning to be okay with using them.
A breath for missing dance. And a breath for listening to contra music at work making everything easier.
A breath for being back here. For fall and renewal and rituals resurfacing.
A breath for so much support it sometimes takes my breath away.
I’m here. It’s Friday. Much love to all.
My week had a heavy and dark beginning. I asked it, “Oh, week, week, is there any chance you could get easier instead of harder?”
I didn’t really have much hope that it would — and yet, it did.
So, what worked? Asking. Next time, I might ask for even more.
Meanwhile, I have a salve of my own to share. It’s a Salve of Lightening. Sometimes it makes things lighter. Sometimes it helps reveal you access your own light. Often it does both, because lightening really *can* strike twice in the same place. <3
(Edit: “helps you access your own light.”)
<3 <3 <3
Thanks for the salve. I need that as much as I need the salve of glowing love.
This is a lovely salve, too Kathleen – thank you for sharing!
What worked this week? Decanting the soy sauce into a new container. Remembering the shawl. Leaving early. Bringing the jacket.
Next time? Leave earlier. Less dithering.
Hard, frustrating, etc.
* feeling cranky and envious re someone less reliable but more talented receiving something I sort of wanted. It’s turning out to be a Right Timing blessing in light of my current raft of priorities, but the monster negotiator still had to chat with the resident thumpadoodles.
* having to get ruthless with the infected hocks. Extra-hard when they are still beautiful with blooms.
* not getting back to the easel this week
Good, reassuring, joyful…
* Two unexpected referrals, and Great Timing on an upcoming gig
* Bay leaves from my big sister
* My wonderful public library, and the encyclopedia I needed to consult being there
* My cream-colored zinnias are still magnificent
* Right-for-me haircut at new-to-me barbershop
Warm wishes to all y’all. Shabbat shalom!
If weeks had do-overs, I’d want one for this week.
There is a THING and it has too much power in my life and I can’t get rid of it. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. Confronting it only gives it more power. I’ve tried things, taken one step and then — paralysis! or sliding two steps back. Or something else happens that doesn’t resolve the matter or get rid of the THING. And it has been very present all week and especially today.
Resulting in me feeling crabby and irritable. I hate that feeling.
MrB’s nearly-healed wound reopened last Friday and now it’s infected and here we go again.
Feeling discouraged and worried. Which helps not at all.
Sleeping badly.
The physical therapy evaluation for my back resulted in more pain. We identified/discovered that my hip muscles are weak, and that contributes a lot to the back pain. How did my hip muscles get weak?
I belong to X but don’t feel a part of it. And because I belong, I have to do a thing tomorrow that I don’t want to do. Not because it will be unpleasant; because thinking about it brings me to the reasons I don’t feel a part of it and the unresolved question of what to do about that.
Taking a deep breath. Breathing out. Releasing the hard.
My classes are the best thing I have going on. These students are the most playful I’ve had in a long time and the teaching is fun.
I have books. I am very grateful for that and for the ability to read and understand.
“Turning coziness into an extreme sport…” I laughed as the title of your post came up because today is the one day of the year I can be warm at work. I am dressed in a ski-suit and have my knit hat and gloves close at hand. Being cozy at work – that’s Extreme Sport!
Thanks, Kathleen for the Salve of Lightening. I will use it as needed, because “lightening strikes twice in the same place.”
The Hard – Maybe That Bunch is hard for me to be with because the people are bigger than I am and outnumber me. And I have never granted authority to my perceived peers, and I sense they want Authority. And I want to be on the fringe, not in the Body of the Piece, but I would like more respect for fringe. Maybe I can make a shredder for my mistaken expectations and Other People’s Stuff.
The Good –
I don’t need to respond back to That Bunch. I may be Part of the Change when the Timing is Right for Me.
Saying goodbye at my last ProfOrg conference. Lots of good wishes for my Quest and good intel (cruises and train trips) and even the intel from Mr. Grumpy who had retired three times and hated it every time was good intel.
More flowers, love/hugs, love/breaths, pebbles.
Pecking my way out the escape hatch, which is a timely door!
Oh, man – I am so into the idea of coziness as an extreme sport. EXTREEEEEME CUSHIONS! EXTREEEME BLANKETS! EXTREEEEEME BINGE TV!!!!
I will take that in salve form, cocktail form, bubble bath form, 3D movie form, 13-course dinner form, and adult fantasy trilogy form.
Freeform chicken today.
There is a pattern, and I want to take this time to note the pattern, which has been operating hugely this week.
Data point #1:
(Datum? I hate that word. I choose data.)
A date. It went poorly.
But it didn’t go poorly. If the object of the date was “discover if we get along,” then it went wonderfully. We don’t. And we didn’t even have to discover it in a particularly painful way. Conversation was light and interesting and polite and at the end it became very clear to me (and would have been clear earlier if not for the thing I’m about to talk about) that he was saying “no thank you” to seeing again. And when I got home I was clear that “no thank you” was also my answer to seeing again.
Success. One more “no, thank you” on my way to “yes.”
And yet there is a story in me that the point of this date was to convince him to like me. And that story took an unexpected hold of me the entire date, disconnected me from my grounding and centering, made me afraid of silence, afraid to really listen, afraid to pause, afraid to be. And then there’s the shame of that, of not being a good conversationalist, of the story he’ll tell about me, of “but we might have gotten along if I could have just calmed down.”
For the record, we could not. That’s why I was so uncalm in the first place. We could not get along and so I was not calm because in the story of “he must like me or I’ve failed” there isn’t room for calm acceptance that he is a lovely person and I am a lovely person and we are not the right lovely people for one another in this way at this time.
I am happily in the place where such full-bore disconnection from myself is rare, and so I had a hell of a hangover when I got home. Just intense physical and emotional pain for over a day. As if I’d just been through something really traumatic. Which I had. But the trauma was in my not being with myself. Nothing external caused this. Maybe that’s always true, but in this case it’s clear. Internally-created trauma.
Honestly, I still can’t bring any energy below my knees, and so my feet are cold and I feel unstable and this is uncomfortable. All week with the uncomfortable.
Data point #2:
We had a party. We hardly ever have parties, I think because we like them too much. Or at least that’s my part of it. I SO ENJOY playing hostess that it’s hard for me to even approach, and I get embarrassed, and I care way too much, and it never goes as well as I want…
Anyways, we did have a party, and unlike almost every party we ever throw, where it’s like pulling teeth to get people to come, everyone. said. yes.
Okay, two people said no. But of the other 28 people we invited, they all said yes. Enthusiastically. I really believed every one of them would be here. And…8 came. 2 texted to cancel.
And I feel myself pulled into this story. I tried to get them to like me and I failed. I tried to get them to come and I failed. I tried to get the people who did come to have a good enough time that they’ll come again and I failed at that too. (Not that I have any data to suggest it, but the monsters are wildly speculating here.) We throw sucky parties. We are sucky people. We aren’t fun to be around, we don’t fit, blah blah blah blah blah.
Except I don’t believe in sucky parties. I believe there are parties that don’t resonate with the guests. I believe there can be desperation in an energy when someone isn’t ready to receive what they’re asking for. I believe there can be mismatches of all kinds.
And I don’t believe in sucky people. People who don’t resonate with me, sure. People who really really don’t resonate with me, sure. And there’s something about when people cross giant societal boundaries or are in so much pain that they’re sparking everywhere and very difficult for most people to be around. But I’m not actually one of those people.
(It’s hard to remember from inside a story of rejection, but I am in fact generally liked, generally accepted, and while I’m sure there are things I do that people find rude or confusing or difficult sometimes, in general people see my good heart and enjoy me.)
So maybe it’s not a failure. Just another place where I got sucked into a story of having to make people like me instead of shining my light and letting the chips fall where they may.
I really really want community. Especially community with people I can stand who have kids. And every time I approach that, it bounces right off me. So clearly I’m not ready yet. I can still want it, and when I’m ready it will be there.
Making myself likeable enough to be liked in return is not the way. Being in my own energy and calmly watching what’s happening is the way, even if I haven’t found my way to this way yet.
(In the meantime, it was a lovely party, except for my ungrounding.)
Data point #3:
Reading that post on disappointment, I feel a lot of the same things I felt the first time I read it – so much deep soul desire. Like: THIS. THIS IS WHAT I WANT. I want mentors! I want people I truly respect, who are really into the things I’m into, who love and cherish me.
And I’m so entirely scared of it. So afraid to be seen deeply in my squishy insides at all, much less if it led to rejection. Much less if it led to people then leaving. Much less if it didn’t last forever and ever and ever. Having had that, how could I survive its loss?
Of course, I’ve survived a good many losses now, and I can stare level-headed at many more, knowing that if they go it will be for my good, that something better will come, that there is something to learn here, that if it is mine it will return to me.
And I don’t want to live through to the end of my life without experiencing this kind of companionship. It’s an experience I want to have, even if at the moment approaching it is difficult. I likely have many years to learn, and I learn very quickly when I’m ready.
Still, hard. Right now I circle the people I admire at a “safe distance,” because I don’t want to get close enough to find out they’re less than I thought them to be. Or that I am less than they can accept.
A theory:
And here I’m understanding another layer of this confusion in me. (Stoopid epiphanies and all of that.) That I think other people hold what I need. That I think standing tall and strong in myself leads to loneliness and aloneness, when in fact it’s the only way to be close. That I constantly *invite* unwanted opinions and energies into my thoughts, my space, and my worldview in the idea it will lead to more safety, when in fact calmly and firmly holding my thoughts, space and worldview is the safest way I’ve ever known. And, really, more than safety, it just is the necessary prerequisite to exploring the things I want to explore to the depth I want to explore them.
Lately it seems like every experience I have is simply something a part of me was curious about. I’d like to focus more of my curiosity on radical love and togetherness, and less on receiving judgment and disapproval. Even though the former is a lot scarier than the latter.
So thank you chicken, for giving me the space to see this, because it’s very calming and satisfying to tease out some of the threads and see that this could all very plausibly be part of the path to what I want.
Love to the other chickeneers! Breathing light with all of you.
Hug, love, back.
Thank you for the breath. I needed it right now. ..an extra breath for being perceived as selfish by a narcissist…
Love. Kindness. Joy.
The hard this week: letting go. The good: realising YET AGAIN that the Treasure is in the letting go!!!
I’m with Max on this salve in every form, please!
I am now in training for the Olympic Extreme Coziness team. I have a fire, I have a new crochet project, I have movies. Going for the gold!
love, hearts, pebbles and a wonder-filled week to all xxx
Going for the gold!!!! 🙂
SUnday morning Chicken hash! (i actually had that for breakfast)! Cluck and boo!
Oy such week! what worked: Best practices and very good Well tending, really being the R is for Rested. choosing rest and happiness every time.
the sucks were few:
you know what, i’m not even going to list sucks this week. it was not pleasant that our dishwasher was still broken, it made the kictehn a sad and dreadfl place for me. that’s about it.
Sparkles! so many
-last weekend discovering the girls cn be motivated thru Sparkle points and being tld they couldnt possibly accomplsih [blank]. especially good with doing those millions of dishes
-my boss brought in these sonic therapies folks to do brief sessions on us and it was amazing! i felt soo good
-Samhain!
-going to Starhosue was amazing
-so much love for me, so much conenction in the grief
-having a nice long weekend with the kids.
-beautiful weather
I really am blessed.