In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
So I’m in Medford, Oregon for today’s chicken. Well, for tomorrow night’s roller derby bout, but also for today’s chicken.
And this week was so outrageously impossibly full that I cannot even comprehend that today is really Friday.
As if Friday’s all excited about being here and going, hey it’s meeee!, and I’m too baffled to figure out what’s going on. Anyway. Let’s do this!
The hard stuff
The disappearing weekend.
Last weekend was completely eaten up by commitments. It just disappeared.
By AWESOME commitments that I happily chose to commit to (and I’d make the same choices again), to be clear. But still totally and thoroughly exhausting.
It made the start of the week a little sleepy, but there wasn’t time to be sleepy because I had to fit seventeen billion things in before this mini-vacation-that-is-not-actually-a-vacation.
Busy? Busy.
So unfairly ridiculously head-hurtingly busy.
I was run off my feet this week.
My friend is sad.
And I wish I could magically make things better for her but I can’t. All I can do is love her.
Scary and possibly annoying phone call of doom.
That I haven’t made yet.
And it’s super stressing me out.
Other people’s projections.
When people decide a thing about you and this thing is not true and then they put it on you.
In Hebrew you say that they clothe you with it. And that’s how it’s been feeling.
I’m much better at removing these layers of Other People’s Crap than I used to be. But you know what? I’m not really enjoying it at the moment.
Problematic interactions in a variety of forms.
Something in the air, probably. I’ll do some Shiva Nata on the patterns and see what my part is in all of this.
But in the meantime, there’s been unbelievable pressure, bizarre things that seem to be attempts at manipulation and power plays, plus lots of miscommunication and blame.
So that’s no fun. And it’s really hard for everyone involved. Not you guys, don’t worry.
I am trying to assume misunderstanding, because that’s usually what problematic interactions turn out to be.
And I’m going to find out what I can do to re-establish expectations and set firm, loving, beautiful, strong, healthy, powerful, compassionate boundaries in this situation and in any other one that comes up.
Missing my rituals.
Because of the crazed week of busy, I wasn’t at the Frolicsome Bar (what we call the Facebook-ing) or at my local (Twitter) very much.
I did lots of reading at the forum boards in my Kitchen Table program but I didn’t get to play as much as I usually do, so that was sad too.
The good stuff
The extremely amazing weekend of roller derby heaven.
The Boston Massacre bravely came out here and got crushed, as predicted in the bible as predicted in last week’s Friday Chicken. They had a good attitude about it and were generally adorable.
Our B-team (the Axles of Annihilation) played Seattle’s B-Team (Reign of Terror), and that was supposed to be a close match but it wasn’t. Final score? The Rose City took it 229-67. And yes, some of my shivanauts were skating out there and they looked dangerous. Love it!
And Sunday there was more derby and then the team I sponsor had their end-of-the-year picnic, which was very fun.
Also, they gave me the sweetest thank-you-speech about how my work with them and the warm-ups and the Shiva Nata has helped them get more coordinated, be in their bodies, feel confident and centered and kick ass.
Guess what now lives at the Playground?
A signed and framed photograph of the team. Right next to last year’s photo.
Next time you come to a Rally (Rally!), I will show you!
Recognition. Just in general
I’ve been writing about my complicated relationship with acknowledgment, and then — out of nowhere — there was this totally sweet piece of it.
Thank you.
Toozday’s Shiva Nata class at the Playground.
So hilarious. So much fun!
Ahahahaaa I’m on holiday.
Time on the road. Time with my wonderful uncle Svevo. Time eating cheese. Time singing sea shanties. Time for me.
In beautiful southern Oregon.
I’m one of 30 things. One of many, many things. And also 30 of them.
It still counts if I totally bullied him into it. The witty, charming and generally marvelous @tjbeitelman (who has also Rallied at Rally) has put me on his list of 30 things.
I like everything he writes.
I like this
Remember when I wrote about cover stories? So Megan sent me this link to this slide in Utrecht. So great!
The Great Ducking Out, take two. It’s live!
I don’t know if you guys remember this but last year I decided (thanks to the commenter mice) that I was sick of dreading American Thanksgiving and trying desperately to avoid it like I do every year.
So instead I threw a special day called The Great Ducking Out. A day of playing at the Playground and eating yummy food and being silly.
And around it I also made a special Ducking Out Rally, for spending the whole week working on creative projects or just playing.
We had thirteen lovely, lovely, lovely people at our picnic feast and it was the best thing ever. Pie!
So we’re doing it again, and the page is live and I’m almost ready to announce it. Although we already have five people coming, according to the First Mate who knows about these things.
Anyway, you can peek here and rejoice with me: http://FluentSelf.com/ducking
Guess what else? Guess what?
The Shiva Nata iPhone app is finally live! This is a giant yay!
We have been excited about this for oh god so many months and now it’s finally here. HOORAY!
It’s called Pocket Shiva Nata and it just now came out, and please please please go and leave sweet and loving reviews for us!
Celebration!
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band comes courtesy of @senseijames, who has fake-band-named many a fake-band with us.
Punk Rock Glitter
It’s a band AND a thing to throw AND a thing to do. Some times I glitter punk rock too. Though you know what’s weird about them? It’s actually just one guy.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
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I love doing this on FRIDAY. Because if you do it at the weekend, you are already relaxing and looking forward to the next week.
The Hard
Visitors – lovely lovely visitors. But 5 of them for 5 days. Friday to Wednesday – weekend and workdays. No off time, not even very much low volume time.
Family connection stresses. Not my visitors, but another branch of the family stressing out someone I love a lot. This has been going on for too long and still no end in sight.
Work – we’re still scudding along the bottom. No lift, no flow. This is not to say there are not some good signs and that we are not doing some great work, because there are and we are. But there is no lift under our stingray wings. No power in our tail.
No routine – always happens in the summer. Not as much walking as I would like.
The Good
The Visitors – the best 5 people you could wish to stay. Fun was had, skinny dipping was done, the best sea bass was cooked and eaten, so many glasses raised and songs sung and stories told.
Work – progress was made on some stuck areas. Although the business is scudding, my relationship with it is so much smoother and fun. I love the challenge of where we are. If we were busier, I couldn’t put this foundation in place.
Walk on the beach as the sun was setting – just me. Ridiculous pastel colours – like a 1980s poster. If I had painted the pastel blues and pinks and oranges no-one would have believed it was true. Then oyster catchers flashing past like lights being switched on and off.
Good plays with the wee one – lots of invisible smoothies for me and the horses. Lots of sleepovers with imaginary friends and camping with the penguin and the cuddly spider.
No plans this weekend – not even a football match for the boy/man. Ahhhhhhh
HOORAY HOORAY for getting the app out! I’ll buy it when I get paid next week.
Hard stuff
– unconnectedness and triggery things everywhere and fighting and feeling hurt and unheard and scared/bored (like, this is my head: it’s a disaster! no you’ll get through this it’s okay it doesn’t define things. no no definitely impending doom we will all die oh god it’s ruined what where you thinking. shut up it’s going to be okay. rinse and repeat. and that’s just the words going on INSIDE my head.)
– not enough sleep and feeling hungover and physically crappy quite a lot.
– my mum and I. We hurt each other in the feelings by accident. As usual. #pattern………
– new job overwhelm + not actually caring enough + lots of other things to think about = very unproductive at work week
– falling badly behind in little lad’s home based therapy program. As if taking him to his two sessions a week is enough. As if that’s going to work. I can see the youareaBADMOTHER monster flexing his fingers, rolling his shoulders and getting ready to get started in on me. And I feel like I should let him do it too.
Good stuff
+ general vomitey hangover feelings have stuck around long enough that I’ve started to visualise it as a little person and tell people. That’s always fun! Hooooollly sheeeyat Bolivia…. (actually Bolivia would make an hilarious name for a girl!!)
+ generalised sense of gratitude and amazement that my love and I are together enough to be cool about going to Bolivia. Overall. In between freaking out.
Really really reeeeeeaaaaallly happy and grateful that THIS boat ride is one where I get to enjoy the ride and be excited and happy instead of feeling guilty and abused and confused and betrayed and terrified… because that was completely sucky and traumatising.
Anyway, we survived (miraculously), got shit together (TRULY miraculous) (well, together ENOUGH), and doing a much better take on the scene this time around…. yes, I am happy about that!
+ permission to eat curry laksa THREE DAYS A WEEK!! mmmmmmmm curry… coconut… seafood… noodles… soup… saturated faaaaaat……. LAAAAHHHRRRLLLLL!!!
+ fun little e-course to declare my values and needs and “uniquity” to myself because I am a 9 on the enneagram and have a fairly amorphous sense of these things and also they give worksheets covered with super cute patterns and have an imaginary mascot host who is ridiculous and funny. And it’s not even here! The internet is wide! I think I will enjoy it.
+ getting quite tearful (in a really good way) after receiving an email that just made me feel so…. welcome. and accepted. Permission To Be Who You Are And Where You Are And That Is Okay, You Are Welcome Here. What a quality to infuse a business with…..
Not only that, the whole exchange actually made me FEEL like that state of …permittedness… was the natural state of things and whenever that quality is not there it’s just because of somebody’s projected crap, be it my own or someone elses.
I mean, I *knew* that, intellectually. But this time I actually FELT it. Like *kapow* to the heart chakra!! (More like *zzhzzhzhGLOWzzhzhzzhh* actually…)
Amazing amazing amazing. So grateful. And inspired. Have taken notes about it to refer to later so I can pay it forward someday.
It’s getting late down here. Off to bed now. G’night cheeps.
(Cheeps? Geddit? My chicken-peeps…. okay I’ll go now!)
xoxo
The app is awesome! Plus I’m sure it’ll help me release my regrets around not being able to take part in your live programs any time soon. 😉
A big thank you, as usual.
Ooh, Friday.
The Hard:
Friend(s) staged weird Dating Life intervention last week and went on about how rigid I am and that I’ll die alone if I don’t agree to go out with Ming, the 5’4″ smoker with a high school education who can’t get any other women to go out with him. So, there’s that.
Now I worry I will die alone.
Had to tell temp employees we don’t need them, and haven’t heard anything back yet so now I wonder if I did something horrible.
The Good:
Lots of clients and money and work coming in in a wonderful flow.
My name in the paper! Quoted in an article and I was the person in the first paragraph!
A clean house.
Tides that are right for an afternoon kayak.
Part time employee said YES! to our offer of More Time (hence the no-need for the temps). Yay!
Quiet day in the office to work on plans and schemes.
@ seagirl – your description of that dating intervention made me smile. irony and humor can save us all.
my week was like this:
The Hard
– slowing down, surprisingly, was not easy.
I’d been busy for so long – i kept having little panic attacks about ‘what now?’ & ‘i am missing something’
– as it turned out i did miss a bill so calling about that to fix it was not so fun
The Good
– slowing down! good food! living at home again. having time for anything I want.
– getting back into a work flow and seeing results come in. and remembering i am doing just fine despite everything.
Blowing Fairy Dust to everyone for the Friday Chicken Ritual!
Happy chickening everyone! May you have a gorgeous weekend.
The hard:
– So hard to leave the mountains.
– Husband couldn’t be with me.
– Husband is in far away dangerous country and is not feeling ok.
– Spending too much time thinking about stuff that’s a long way ahead.
– Starting a new job and the effort all the newishness costs.
– Cancelled something for tomorrow that may have annoyed a friend who wouldn’t understand my HSP reasons.
The good:
– I was in the mountains, 2000m altitude and above, stunning scenery, marmots, very relaxed looking cows and goats, inebriatingly pure air, turquoise coloured lakes, long hikes every day, wonderful food and wine in the evenings.
– Signed a contract for a dream job that will start in a year’s time.
– Had a heart-warming phone call by my boss-to-be when I texted him that I signed the contract.
– Have just started a new temporary job that will be the perfect preparation for the next one.
– Finally things are falling into place jobwise.
– Back in my own place.
– Cancelled something for tomorrow I really wasn’t in the mood for.
Amazing excitingness that the iphone app is finally out. I will be downloading it to my ipod touch (I has not monies for iphone… well this is not true, I choose to spend my monies on other things like triathlons and such that don’t have a monthly service fee and i feel like smart phones make you way too connected all the time, but ipod touch gives me).
**ahem**
***the hard***
–my grandparents had to put down my chihuahua that we/they have had since I was twelve (she was an old lady dog before I moved out on my own and so I could not bring her to live with me because she would have died of sadness of being an only dog/not having someone home with her all day).
–having to go to court because I was subpeona’d for something that I don’t know about. No I am not and never was this dude that I’ve never met before’s girlfriend. Also if it’s a DUI shouldn’t it have been resolved by now instead of you subpeona-ing me for 1 1/2 years? then postponing the hearing/case, etc.
— husbands 3 birthday parties last weekend. Three. omg no time to recover. Recovery still pending.
***the good***
— I am writing more or less on pace for my CampNaNo (granted I skipped the day when my dog died)
— I got “me time” after work at McD’s every day to write and be a spazz on the interwebs… mostly to write.
— my book came to the library yesterday
— The editor who I want to high level edit my novel for me added price points at reasonable levels where I can afford the basic high level edit, ie it’s not twice what I bring home in one month any more.
— I have good energy this week. Not in a hippy new age-y way though, that would be cool too, but like I’m super energetic and am not dying for a nap yet. B/C of the writing?
This week has been a real mixed bag. Certainly glad to see the back of the first few days, which were just bleurgh and feeling pretty thankful that the week has got so much better.
The hard:
So unproductive. Everything seems to have taken forever to do. Feeling like there’s been almost no movement forward on my dissertation or website. Frustrating.
Spent all last weekend in the strangest mood, low energy yet restless, not sleeping well, and weirdly apathetic and disengaged. Unless it involved reading a novel or staring out the window or eating.
Monday. Yuck. So stressful.
Weird harrassing, stressful phone call from JobCentre on Wednesday.
Weird anxiety dreams.
Cooking a really bland and boring dinner.
Feeling that someone was talking about something else as way to obliquely pressure me in a situation that is stressful enough already.
The good:
Met up with friends on Tuesday and had a chat and drinks and admired there gorgeous kittens.
Met up with same friend again today for lunch.
Really interesting and inspiring progress on some stucks, thanks to a couple of great people working with me.
Friend really liked my birthday gift.
Went to a writers group last night. Had some interesting conversations, discovered a great new pub, indulged in some flirting and looking forward to going again next month.
Went to a start-up business workshop this morning that was super useful – and free!
Also dealt with someone trying to put my down in a way that was calm and sovereign and shut them up.
Took a couple of 365 photos that I really like.
Planning meetups with two friends I haven’t seen for ages next week – very much looking forward to it.
Playing around with some Shiva Nata stuff yesterday and my mood completely switched from feeling quite low to suddenly seeing possibilities and feeling much more positive. They’ve always been there but I’ve so busy thinking that things have to work out a certain way that I didn’t notice this.
Yay for the weekend, and hopes for wonderful weekends and weeks for you all.
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– mandatory attendance at Pointless Meetings and Events… including a 2 hour tour in “teams” of the campus on which I have worked since 2009
– the light rail station by my work that took down its “closed for renovations” banner but is actually still closed … which you don’t learn until you are noticing that your train is whizzing by it, not stopping
– the last week of summer vacation
The Good:
– randomly met a linguistics researcher with whom I’ll now be collaborating on a project of mine that I didn’t know how to approach
– my abstract was accepted to a great conference in October
– major productivity
I need a Ducking Out Rally! I mean, I NEED it. Really. Not kidding.
People banging on my house all week, due to my Neglect the Maintenance monster leaving things undone until the place is falling down around our ears.
Plus there’s the I Hate People I Don’t Know All Around My House Making Me, the Bird and the Cats Completely Bonkers with noise and strangeness and trampling of stuff and asking me questions about matters in which I have no Expertise. While giving them a lot of money.
So, Havi, thinking about your previous post of how it felt at your uncle’s house (“…the capacity for delight, wonder, silliness, calm and spaciousness are so significantly higher than anywhere else I’ve ever been that it kind of blows me away each time I encounter it. “), wishing I had that and wondering if I just stopped worrying and fluttering and had patience and trust that Things Will Work Out OK At Their Own Pace if I could get me some of that. Want.
The good thing is: I’m making progress. Just like a pilgrim. Hah! Yay me.
@SnakeCharmers
Any chance of there being an android app sometime in the near future?
The Hard:
-Too many appointments this week.
-Painful bad dream that hit a nerve about a friend who, for lack of a better word, abandoned, me a couple of years ago.
-Headache and neck/shoulder pain from hell. Unrelenting, stabby.
-All things considered, not an overwhelming amount of hard this week.
The Good:
+Taking control of mood issues.
+Appt. with doctor went far better than I expected. Pleasantly surprised, and felt supported.
+Reached out to a couple dear friends this week, so felt less lonely.
+Had energizing meeting at work about “big picture” issues. Gives me hope that there’s more to my job than meets the eye, and more awaits me.
+Visiting goggies last weekend, and thinking about adding to our family.
Havi, not just *healthy* boundaries but firm, loving, beautiful, strong, powerful, compassionate ones!
This week there was an infestation of plumbers, with some incursions by electricians and delivery men, following on last week’s kitchen re-do. Strange smells, odd noises, dust, and continued disruption of the household and the routines.
The result is nice. The kitchen looks significantly better and will function better and I have a chance to create new routines and patterns and rituals around the use of the kitchen. So, Yay!
There’s still work for me to do — especially finishing painting the interiors of the cupboards and some wood trim — and I’m trying to see that as something fun and pleasant and enjoyable but so far, it’s been something to put off doing.
And that is part of a pattern that I see in many areas of my life and that I want to change.
I got a “rejection” letter on Sunday; the person meant well but the message was still “you’re not good enough” and I had to process all of the various reactions, from pain to sour grapes to sticking out my tongue at them because what if it were true, before I could respond appropriately rather than throwing shoes back at them and being snarky. Now I feel lighter and freer because I no longer have that particular obligation and its expectations and stresses. I am glad that I handled it with class and dignity.
I learned that a favorite indulgence/reward has some unexpected negative effects, and now I have to find a new indulgence to use as a reward. Looking forward to experimenting!
I also discovered that I am increasingly sensitive to caffeine and to dehydration. Replacing caffeinated drinks with water will result in feeling better — but it also means cutting back on M&Ms, which I consider the best antidepressant.
I’ve been sleeping well and feeling more rested, though my sleep pattern is odd, to say the least.
So that’s the week that was… Next week they’re supposed to start working on the garage! By the time that’s done, I’ll be getting ready for the September Rally and then MrB’s Survival Celebration.
I hope that by next week I can report that the cupboards are painted and the kitchen has been reassembled. Hmmm — a VPA in the making.
See you at the next Chicken!
Shiva app downloaded. Now I have to remember to use it lol Thanks Havi!
Hard:
–Had to do some driving through pouring rain. That’s never fun.
–Some tangled-up situations at one of my work sites.
Good:
–Made some recordings of myself singing and playing guitar. Very exciting!
–Planning to attend a blues singing workshop and jam session tomorrow.
Happy chickening, everyone! Sharing in the hard and rejoicing in the good with you.
So very excited for the Shiva Nata App!!! Though slightly sad I own an Android phone >_>
It looks absolutely fab from the shots and comments – such praise to go to all all the people involved in its development 😀 Well done!
This weeks been a mixed one, which I guess is good for balance.
The hard stuff
Feeling that I’ve done nothing – had a lot of space and thus feel like I’ve “wasted” a week even though ive made a whole new site, bought a domain, email address, FB page, business cards etc. all for the new site and still read books and revised for my new course.
Been low – no idea why I’ve been in a generally low mood this week; but I have. And I’m not able to talk about it because I don’t know what/why “it” is and I haven’t had the space to.
Scary dreams – I ended one dream by vomiting repeatedly.. and woke up with sore throat/headache which lasted ALL DAY.
Feeling unhelpful – Though I’ve tried to help people this week and offer support I keep catching myself misinterpreting and sounded a bit callous. It’s not intentional and it’s leaving me feeling almost “not-good-enough-to-talk-to-people” ish.
Missing housemate – Still feeling the guilt thing over the housemate who abandoned- er, I mean, who chose not to stay on another year despite having signed contracts etc.
Streessssss.
So much self-doubt and even a bit of self-dislike this week. Really don’t want to have to deal with myself at the moment.
The good stuff
It’s my birthday on Thursday! And although i invited 5 friends to a party and only one is coming, she came to see me last year and it was EPIC! So i’m getting excited and planning and there will be batternberg cake and whiskey+coke and lots of laughter. We play board games [cos we’re hardcore students]. And I can see some shivanata happening as she’s heard about it but not seen it. EEeeeeeeeee!
Speaking of Shivanata – I’m back to a daily practise – I was getting bored of 1+2 and finding 3 difficult so I skipped to 4 which was boring again…. So today I tried 6 and now I’m excited to return to 3+4 😛 The “boredom” pattern is certainly interesting and changable 😀
Launching the new website next week! Excitement; really want to show people how accessible neuroscience is and how we can use it to reach our potential 😀
My sleep routines been good and steady, despite bad dreams. I’m getting a solid 6 hours sleep and watching some funny tv/reading good books in between 🙂
Have a fabulous weekend!
Friday snuck up on me again! Wily, sneaky Friday! Let’s do this thing.
This week’s hard:
– Attempted break-in here at Chez Pax in the middle of the night a few days ago. We scared them off before they got in, and then the cops caught them down the street, but then the cops bought their weak-ass cover story (sorry, but you do not end up milling around the back garage door *inside* our privacy fence at 3 a.m. if you just happened to get turned around in the woods and thought our house was your giant 10+ story apartment building, even if you have been drinking). Crazy adrenaline surging and subsequent lack of sleep and massive pissed-offedness.
– What I thought was a missing 4-5 pages from the rush manuscript I was editing ended up being a missing 70 (yes, seventy, seven-zero) pages. I was able to be a hero twice over for the client (noticing the missing stuff in the first place and then turning it around super-duper-extra-fast), but it threw a wrench in this week and next.
– My reasonably priced supplier has been out of a certain critical jewelry component for three weeks now. I’m going to have to order 200 pieces of something for twice what they should cost.
This week’s good:
– Our poor long-haired kitten had to get shaved because of some bad mats. Total hard for him, I’m sure, but we they did a lion cut so he looks like an adorable miniature lion and it completely cracks me up, so it’s a good for me.
– Really nice lunch with my nephew yesterday. He seems to be figuring out a path for himself.
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
Yes, Friday was sneaky this week.
The Hard:
Knowing I need to move my ponies, which is always a big project, and stressful for all of us. Hopefully in the next few days. Making the hard decision to move.
Having panic attacks again, after being free of them for some time now. Lost several days to not feeling well at all, between panic and migraine.
Not knowing where I will eventually live. I do better when I have a stable, secure, comfortable home. We have been in transition far too long. Panic and migraine attacks getting in the way of progress.
Dealing with people who don’t ‘get’ me. Setting boundaries with as much grace as I can access. Finding clarity in writing.
The Good:
The Shiva Nata app is cool and classy :-).
Many thanks to you, Havi, and to everyone who re-sent downloads after my hard drive died.
Treating myself to the Great Ducking Out Rally! Not only is this my first Rally, but it is also my birthday, which seems auspicious.
Finding a nice new barn for the ponies–Yay!
Making a new on-line friend in the blogging community, with lovely emails back and forth.
Lovely conversation today with a great gal on the sidewalk outside Chipotle. Much in common that we don’t generally share with anyone. Totally random and awesome, and began with my dog, who sucks in anyone who has ever had a German Sheperd with her beautiful kind eyes.
Signing up for a great writing class. I want very much to become a better writer. I am super excited about this. My first writing class since I was 17 and in college.
Setting my intention to begin Yoga soon, once my taxes are done. Basic yoga, and the first steps of Shiva Nata.
I have much resistance to yoga that I want to become playful with. Love the intro audio, Havi :-). That was a great first step.
Beautiful designs in progress, from a very talented designer, for my personal blog.
Snagging an invite to Google +, which is sorta fun, except none of my personal friends are on it. But I do enjoy following the conversations of interesting people, and learn a lot by doing so. I prefer it to FB, so far, and find it has more opportunity for depth than Twitter.
Friday Chickening, because until I wrote down the Good stuff, I was not seeing past the Hard. And in reality, the Good far outweighed the Hard.
(I’m new! Hello all *waves* 🙂
The Hard:
-Still feeling as though my life is utterly empty, useless etc. despite all the Things I Want To Do that I can’t seem to get to
-Made too many commitments to other people to help with their things – feeling hounded and unable to do a lot of really important stuff for my own thing because of helping other people out with their things
-Awkwardness/discomfort working on new house precisely because of its newness and lasting-ness and how it feels like I’ll be trapped here if I start something new
-Haven’t spoken to best friend in weeks. I miss her. I hope she’s alright.
-Worried I won’t be able to sneak away for an important appointment next week and wondering if I should postpone it (for the third time)
The Good:
-School starts in 3 weeks. I’ve been getting books in the mail (yaaaay books!) for next semester
-I’ve started a damnit list and it feels wonderful! (First thing on there: My major is MINE, damnit! All mine! I will not take shit for loving what I do damnit! I don’t care what anyone says damnit!)
-Had a nice peaceful hour to myself yesterday (a whole hour!) in which I didn’t worry about anything needing to be done for me or anyone else
-Haven’t cancelled appointment yet, determined to make it work no matter what
-I still have a few days to do my really important stuff
-Kitty is finally all good and healthy
-Discovered this blog at what couldn’t have been a better time. Very happy.