In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Chicken!
And I’m in Denver. For roller derby Championships! As wished for in the OOD.
Let’s do this.
The hard stuff
Change.
The experience of Crossing the Line was so completely amazing and transformative.
And everything is different now. EVERYTHING.
I knew that would happen, but I didn’t realize how much.
Having changed in such a substantive way means that stuff that used to work doesn’t work anymore.
I warned my people abut this but forgot that it has the same effect on me too.
So. Lots of system changes. Lots of bringing things into congruence. Things I used to love are now completely unappealing, because they involve less-than-sovereign situations.
Right now being around unsovereign situations is untenable.
Heightened awareness of gaps.
And seeing more clearly what isn’t working, and why.
Expectations.
Blech.
Deadlines.
Rushing to finish the Shiva Nata pages that our ad links to.
Head bump.
Ow.
Travel.
It’s not really my thing.
It’s disorienting. And being squoonched up in an airline seat is distressing. I can actually feel the harm I’m doing to my body just by being there.
And I miss my life and my routines and the Playground.
Though yes, after a year off from going places by plane, it was useful to discover that the whole thing is somewhat less awful than I’d remembered.
The foods..
It seems the Denver suburbs where we are staying for roller derby are not all that familiar with the concept of vegetarianism.
One place was baffled. The other place just gave me the chicken.
And not in the Friday Chicken sense.
Next time I’m packing a suitcase of groceries. Or staying in Boulder.
The good stuff
The Crossing was so amazing, and so are the side effects!
Like being full of love and joy.
Like knowing exactly what I want.
Like having brilliant idea after brilliant idea, and knowing what to do with them too.
You’re coming next year, right? You should. I can’t wait.
A quadzillion epiphanies.
All the shivanauttery from last week is still setting off brilliant, sparkling, humming moments of realization.
I’m remembering things. Seeing all the connections. Reconnecting to the forgotten bits.
Shiva Nata, you guys. Hard core.
Tea!
Yael brought this yummy Tulsi Sweet Rose tea to the Playground, and then Briana mixed it with Egyptian Licorice, and the combination is the most magical thing.
Hooray for tea.
Back to dance class, tentatively.
And the first class back after fourteen days off was not anywhere near the painful nightmare I’d been anticipating.
Bounce!
Planning marvelous things with the first of my partners in crime.
Secret Agent #1.
And doing lots of top-secret marathon-training sessions. (That’s a proxy, of course.)
The Shiva Nata workshop!.
We had two hours together yesterday, and they flew by.
So I will say this:
What lovely, fun, creative people! What joy to flail and sing and hum and twinkle together.
It was a beautiful studio and a beautiful time.
Plus there were sound effects, secret missions, a butt-monster and surprising hidden things about flags.
Thank you, Liz, for the stage and the ride. Thank you, Adrian for giving up your Thursday-off! Thank you, Lucy, for letting us use your studio and taking care of us. Thank you, past Rallions who added to the Playground-ey feel. Thank you, everyone who came. I love you all!
Also, thank you to Leni for saying this:
“You’re here! It’s like a Grateful Dead show and Christmas morning at the same time!”
I’m totally dropping my HAT page and just using that instead.
Comfort.
The hotel room has crazy high ceilings, a lovely view and a large bathtub. Happiness.
Plus Barrington scheduled me a massage, and it was absolutely brilliant. Oh, that Barrington.
Ohmygod Championships! You guys!
This is the most exciting thing imaginable — so thrilling I can hardly stand it.
WE’RE HERE!!!!
Let’s do it, Rose City!
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band also does all their own dancing.
Prairie Dogs in Bowler Hats.
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- Reminder: Rally prices are out of date. They’re going up. Also we have TWO spots left for the January Rally. Come play. It will be incredible.
- I highly recommend the Art of Embarking, which is the thing I am most excited about right now. Expect this to be the prerequisite for everything next year.
- Oooh, and registration for the Floating Playground will be opening this month. If you’re not on my HAT list (Havi’s Announcing a Thing), you can sign up on the events page.
I think that’s everything? If not, I’ll add stuff to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
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Hello, Friday! I am happy to see you. And to share you with my fellow Chickeneers.
The hard: Oy the back tension/pain. All week with it! Poo. Not enough sleep, and/or space between things. Feeling really embarrassed in a class. Feeling angry in same class that expectations were wholly unclear. Impatience with waiting.
The good: So much good, and much of it directly resulting from the hard. I tried Ortho-Bionomy, and it was insaaaaane. I am going back. It is mysterious and subtle and my new favorite thing. Remember I have resources. Receiving unexpected support in unexpected ways. I’m going to get to work with Larisa from afar re: the pain. That is so exciting! Learning that maybe I’m more ready to go forward than I think I am, and perhaps the waiting will not have to last so long. Plus, I get to go to the country and play with one of my favorite people ever this weekend.
Happy weekends to everyone!
Havi, I live in Denver. Try Tokyo Joe’s – they know veggies. And they have locations in the suburbs. I hope your stay here is enjoyable.
Floating Playground! Floating Playground!
I so want to know more about it! And if it is like I am now imagining, which is a online version of the playground, I so want to join!
My week was so much more chilled than some others. Let’s chicken it up! 🙂
*** The Hard ***
* Being nervous about an important meeting
* After the meeting: coming to terms with things not being in my hands entirely.
* Adjusting, still, to my current situation. Wishing things were easier, faster, different. Not being sure how things ended up here.
*** The Good ***
* Biiiiig progress in the work environment due to aforementioned meeting. Finally seeing things come together. Getting back a good rapport with the supervisor.
* Being so happy about the living environment.
* Seeing much more scope for things coming together. Slowly, slowly, finding back my confidence. And it feels so good.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-chi-ken! I have needed to do this for a WHILE. Woot!
The Hard:
-A lot of depression, inadequacy, and general bad feelings leading up to my birthday. Which sucked, because usually my birthday is my favorite time of year.
-It’s been cold here. My room seems to be really hard to heat. I have enough blankets for sleeping, but when I get up, I really don’t wanna step out into the cold.
-A lot of not-fun dreams. The general theme is that I’m in trouble. That I’m not doing good enough. Dreaming of my ex almost nightly, never in a good way.
-I have total e-mail overwhelm. I think I’m up to 420 unread messages, and one that I need to respond to soon that I’ve been avoiding.
-Weird emotional upsets going on. One involved my mom opining that I should get weight loss surgery. The other is a complicated situation on the other side of my family, I learned that there is a lot more trauma and heartache and bad things that happened than I would have guessed. My sister and I are working on a plan to move forward, which may include my youngest sister living with a different relative than she is now, which I think would be an improvement. But still, I got a lot to digest in the past few weeks.
The Amazing:
+So far, being 25 is so much better than any other age yet.
+I moved my bed so it faces a different way, and my whole room looks different. Inspired by an archive post about “change your place, change your luck”.
+Lots of Shiva Nata, and praying, and other practices which I’ve been beating myself up for not doing consistently. All of a sudden, these things just started happening naturally. Very curious.
+I started writing an accurate account of what I eat. Without beating myself up over it. Then I started planning what I want to eat. Then I bought a scale, and found out that I weigh 7 lbs less than I did last time I weighed myself a few months ago. Which is great, because I have about 120 lbs to lose.
+Introduced my boyfriend to acupuncture and pho, two of my very favorite things.
+Birthday money from grandma gives me some breathing room.
+Had a pretty good job interview, hoping to find out today.
+I had to have a really difficult conversation with my roommate about the fact that I don’t have all the rent money once again. I was really really nervous about it. But it went great! I brought it up instead of just waiting for her to talk about it (that made me feel very adult), I was able to express myself authentically, and we worked it out. Giving myself about 10,000 sparklepoints for that!!!
+I have lots of interesting stuff to watch while I putter today, including the Republican debate, Rachel Maddow show, and fluffy ABC dramas.
+My cat has been sleeping under the covers with me almost every night. Such a warm, cozy feeling.
+Today is 11/11/11. It’s a magical day.
Much love and hand-on-heart sighs to Havi, commenter mice, and lurkers.
Lots of good this week, and a sprinkling of hard.
The hard.
-Traffic. Seriously, it took me 2 hours to get home from Boulder last night, usually 45 minutes. Ugh. And let’s not talk about Monday night, OK? Time waster.
-Overwhelm. So much to do on the business, all the wrapping up stuff that I hate, like ordering, and billing. And rather than do it, I sat on the couch and watched TV. So now I get to spend my one day off doing it.
-The Big Boss. Dude, attitude! And disrespectful looks. Ouch.
-Dumb fights with the hubs. It’s him, not me. So sensitive to everything. Trying for compassion but my stuff is battling for supremacy. Yuck.
-The sprained ankle is still only about 20% better despite constant taping.
The Good.
-In person real live Shiva Nata with Havi yesterday afternoon. Singing pirate songs. And discovering that the random secret mission I was on regarding Discovering Rainbows really meant something once I unpacked it. (Hi from the back of the room in the light blue top)
-This morning’s sunrise. Seriously hot pink gorgeousness.
-Big projects at the day job are getting done and off my plate. Whew!
-Vacation days! Even when taken to undo the overwhelm, with yucky tasks like filing and unpacking the last office boxes. Good stuff to feel some order around here.
-My favorite number is 11, and today I will not let anything take away from the magic.
-This afternoon: massage and chiropractic. Much needed.
-The sick kitty ate his breakfast most days this week.
-The sick ferret isn’t any worse.
-My kiddo comes back tonight!
-Tomorrow: 2 9-month-old shoots. I love babies this age. PLUS! Our own family photos getting taken by a photographer I admire.
-Only 1 more box to handle!
Oh, I almost forgot: My pinky toe really hurts. For some reason all my shoes started giving it a blister. And then I noticed it was bleeding. Ugh. Need healing for my toe!
Friday already! Kind of thankful I’m not going to be going through this week again.
The hard:
Acknowledging how much I want a tiny, sweet thing and taking tiny steps towards it – and hello overwhelming fear and what feels like every stuck that’s ever stuck to me.
Did I mention the overwhelming fear.
At the same time as it was that time of month too. Hormones, fear, existential angst. Fabulous.
Weirdly losing my appetite and not wanting to eat anything.
The good:
Making a crazy audacious wish and starting making it happen.
Dealing with the freak-outs without shouting at myself or getting consumed with the ‘why is it like this? sooo unfair!’ thoughts.
Starting rereading Mansfied Park.
Finally getting my appetite back today – potato wedges with sour cream and avocado and veggie chilli and nommy wine. Yes!
Knowing that I am loved whatever happens.
Somehow moving wanting from being this giant vortex of pain and powerlessness outside me to being something approachable within myself.
Ok time for chickening even if it is late (10pm here)
The hard:
My mom has cancer, again. So much sadness. Also anger at how impersonal and ruthless these diseases are.
Anxiety about whether she will be well again.
Frustration that she chose the call were she told me about it to also pressure me to finish my dissertation.
A job app. process for a job I really liked being put on ice.
Feeling lonely and unproductive.
Being unproductive in a way I haven’t been ever. Anger at myself.
Anger about unsovereign situations.
Disappointment with myself that I am unable to stick to daily practices. Especially the Shiva Nata Expedition.
The good:
Being loved by my sweety
The way my knit meet rallied to my support after I received the call from my mom. So much love there, and compassion. In completely sovereign ways.
Knowing what I want to do it and what is necessary to do it. A tiny sweet thing becoming more of a toddler sweet thing. Excitement.
Still getting things done and not procrastinating unnecessarily on things that need doing.
Getting to go into the weekend now.
Chickens away! (And not the non-vegetarian kind).
The Hard:
– Everything is different.
– Sick. Blargh.
– Giant rocking-to-the-core of several things I had never doubted before.
– Having visitors.
– Planning for more visitors, travel, and way too much family.
– My mother’s threat that no one related to her will speak to my father at my wedding.
– Random and annoying schedule weirdnesses with dance class.
The Good:
– The useful phrase: “It’s my wedding,” and also, “People can do what they want but I refuse to hear about it.” (I *love* those phrases. Using often.)
– Using proxies on people.
– Giant rocking-to-the-core has given way to even deeper trust and security about the things I’d never before doubted.
– Revuing *everything*.
– Several mindblowing epiphanies.
– Hey, everything is different now!
*relievedsigh*
Was seriously craving Chicken today. I had forgotten I’d missed two of them, not just one.
So much joy to send regarding Denver! Happy for those 27, as well.
Anyway, on to my Chicken…
Hard:
– Pain. Ow owowow hard to move hard to sleep pain. Hip pain, knee pain, stomach pain, head pain. Wow. Glurg.
– Spent most of the week struggling over how to address above pain without a doctor or chiropractor. I want health insurance yesterday.
– Waaay behind on writing and am so viciously angry about it.
– Couldn’t do my Armistice Day mini-ritual.
Good:
* the lovelyman will be OMG MOVING IN soon! we’re planning on 22 days! My heart is running around the house like those dogs who get crazified and zoooom about the house like they’re herding Very Large Animals.
* I am SO much closer to receiving resolution on the Great Thing I’ve been harping about in past VPAs and Chickens. Like, it should be VERY soon.
* Oh hai I’m a published author for the first time since 2001. Wow.
* Glorious Leaves.
* Had sauna and hot tub this past Saturday! Mmmmm.
* Simone 🙂 🙂 🙂
As I’ve said before, thanks to everyone for also being inspiring and amazing 🙂 Loads of love luck and joy to you all.
Wheeeeee, it is another Friday – one more week closer to the end of the semester!
The Hard:
– Much travel around the metropolitan area checking on my students and their internships. Way too much time spent in the car and traffic. Exhausting.
– Having to be up extra early for the interns that I’m hosting.
– The perpetual Way Too Much on my todo list causing much anxiety
The Good:
+ My students are doing so well on their internships!
+ Finished the last of my interviews for my dissertation!
+ Fit into a pair of pants that have not seen the light of day in 3 or 4 years – they are very new looking so apparently I outgrew them quickly after they were purchased.
+ The new fitness center at work has inspired me to resume my resistance training routine.
Happy weekend!
Another week gone! I don’t even know if that is good or not, but it has happened.
The Hard:
– There is a word, velleity: a wish or inclination not strong enough to lead to action. That’s me. Somehow, knowing there’s a word for it makes me feel better.
– A weird thing with my ears.
– And the usual hard stuff.
The Good:
+ The usual good stuff, and that’s a lot!
+ More time on my own *and* more time with MrB.
+ Started teaching a new class that looks like being a lot of fun.
+ Working on the Book of Me, and the Embarking Capers. Identifying rituals I’ve already established for Entry and Exit. Yay!
+ Learning from the comments on this blog. Thank you to all the Comment Mice.
+ My birthday coming up!
+ Much to look forward to.
Cluck. Week? Week??? Oh okay, fine. I believe you although there must be some frilly timewarp phenomenon somewhere…
Hards…
– pattern change is disconcerting. I get anxiety around the disconcertainty (??) esp given I either am or love the people being disconcerted.
– frustration and confusion. It was this simple all along? Why couldn’t we get it together then??? (Because ‘simple’ and ‘easy’ can be very different things, and because we are evolved to live with an ego and a mind that get very disconnected from reality and very concerned about the IMMINENT DEATH that isn’t even actually imminent til you learn to detach until you forget to detach and have to detach again and then you have to detach from the idea that detaching is a one time thing when really it’s a life’s practice but you hope maybe it will become a bit more second nature eventually one day maybe perhaps?)
– expansion makes room for the crap to come in and flow through. It also means it goes away a hundred times quicker but it’s still hard at the time.
– chop wood carry water
– worrying about people you love. Getting to know people you love.
– the world. There is some seriously fucked up shit in it. The fact we (humanity) can create great art and science is only fair seeing the kind of fucked up shit we are capable of bringing to the table too… I am newly appalled. And grieving.
Goods…
+ phone and web free four day escape to wilderness
+ hope springs
+ expansion, clarity, holding the spaces that I need within me, surviving the IMMINENT DEATH after all (look ego, evidence!!), discovering my own capacity for presence. Reassuring.
+ little lad seeing the mountain next to the beach and telling me it is the sky hill. And later after we’d got caught in a storm and dried off that he was ‘warm and cosy and happy and safe’.
+ having people I love to worry about and get to know. Who love me too, despite everything. Relief x massive.
Cluck cluck intensity cluck. xxx
Frilly timewarp??? Thanks iPhone auto corrector. I think you are brilliant.
Friday was a very full day for me, so it’s Amnesty Chicken Time!
Hard:
–Hormonal rollercoaster moods. Whee?
–Money worries. Ack.
Good:
–Lots of creative energy!
–I had a good conversation with three of my monsters (they identified themselves as Yousuck, Ravel, and Soggy) and it reaaallly helped me calm down.
–I am going to a roller derby bout tomorrow! My sweetie and I will be cheering for the Mason Dixon Roller Vixens (WFTDA apprentice league) as they take on Three Rivers Roller Derby. I can hardly wait!
Crazy week ~ the good and the hard.
Hard:
Like Kathleen ~ hormones ~ weening myself off herbal remedies, trying to balance my sugar/hormones while trying to stay clear of panic attacks at work (high stress environment, this is my last year)
I live in a very angry city ~ the hard was trying to be my light filled self without attracting animosity. Whoo!
Good:
My job is so rewarding. I can’t even begin to explain how much so. I will miss it.
Celebrated my mother’s 71s birthday. My 81 year old father was there (we almost lost him in March). We sang, laughed and ate a lot of food 😉
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– a long weekend of grading (poorly written) papers … grading written work is absolutely my least favorite part of my job
– meetings that last more than 1 hour
– still not really adjusted to the time change
The Good:
– exercising my sovereignty and not attending a “round table” meeting that was going to be a train wreck
– Shiva Nata workshop in Boulder
– getting my spring semester teaching schedule changed … instead of getting home at 8pm each night I’ll be home by 5:30 which means I can still make it to a yoga class!
Yaay Chicken amnesty!
The Hard:
– missing my baby sister, not knowing when I will get to see her or talk to her again. Missing her like a big gaping hole in my chest. And the guilt. And the fear. And the you-don’t-have-a-right-to-visit-her-because-you-can’t-keep-walking-out-again. Then having to justify to myself what I did and why I did it.
– realizing that I am not ready for family therapy
– realizing that I might not want to do family therapy with them at all, ever
– nightmares, lots of them, about family and failure and stupidness
– concentration is shot. Perpetual fear of stupidness
– lots of stuck to work through because of the above, lots of monsters and walls and just tiredness
The Good:
– allowing myself to take two days off and *really* take a break. Two days of calm, guilt-free reading and research, and the realization that I enjoy my work much, much more when I am not beating myself (and it) up for lunch money/grades/evidence/a failure rating.
– working through some of the stuck and finding what works: collecting beautiful things, bringing Life back into my world
– Giving myself permission to live in a way that is beautiful, courageous, powerful and without violence. Believing that this kind of life is possible. Wanting it. Allowing myself to want it, to feel that I deserve it (sometimes) and that it is worth working towards. (Acknowledging that it there will be lots of hard, but that it is STILL worth it.)
– cooking! Realizing every time I cook that I do not in fact suck at it. Being very pleasantly surprised
– my body, loving it. Catching myself being comfortable in/with it, loving it and being kind to it. Also being pleasantly surprised
– realizing that I do not have to work a horrible, exploitative student job. Not yet. Lots of relief after that realization
– getting half-way through the approval process for an independent reading course for next term! With one of the leading theorists in deconstruction and continental philosophy! Eeep! Excitement!! (This: so much wonder and love and beauty and courage. The first glimpse of the life I am only just beginning to create.)
Oh, how I love Chicken Amnesty! And since I’ve been a lurker for about six months, I’m so happy to be a Beloved one. Do you know the soothingness you give people every time you say that, Havi?
The hard:
Finding out I have cataracts. There’s something wrong with my eyes. They’re getting worse day by day and it’s not my imagination. Indexing, driving, reading through the haze till December when I can get surgery.
Appalled at how long I didn’t notice my declining vision. What else am I not noticing?
Ongoing struggles with sweetheart’s health. Not sure the doctor knows what she’s doing. Worry. Worry. Lots of appointments.
Deciding to take a break from our chorus for the rest of the season. We’re sad, friends are sad. Directors are even sad.
Living still in the land of grief for my father, who died in early September. A different place.
The good:
Finding out I have cataracts. There’s a reason that I’ve been having such a hard time doing my work. And it’s not that I’m lazy or unmotivated or in an emotional fog. The fog is real.
I wonder if the cataracts have anything to do with the Sleep Swamp? Deciding to proceed with a spirit of curiosity.
Deciding to take a break from chorus. I need fewer absolute commitments and the ability to hole up when I need to. It’s a relief.
Taking a small awareness step about my state of grief, and finding a metaphor that transformed itself into a source of strength. I’m not a shivering terrified rabbit in the undergrowth. I’m a smart calm rabbit, in exactly the right place. I gather strength from my undergrowth and the idea of it every day.
And I wrote about it in my first blog post since April.
It’s actually easier to work when I know why my eyes are hazy. No more squinting, bending, rubbing. No more wondering why I’m tired. Just the way it is. Take a break or go on through it.
Lovely support and connection with family and friends.
Music music music. I can play and sing even when my eyes are tired. Getting ready to play for the elders next week.
Progress on our Thing! I thought I was behind and I wasn’t!
New wonderful helpers in the household!
And wow, look at all the good even during a hard time.
Love love love to all chickens and Beloved Lurkers. And Havi of course.
FRIDAY CHICKEN TIME
Hard Stuff:
-I’ve been feeling really low-energy all week. I’ve been mopey and unmotivated, having a hard time getting dressed or doing very much activity.
-Letting go of the comfort and autonomy I had been relishing during my week of solitude
-Dealing with having another person in my space
-Admitting that I was wrong to ignore my intuition about
[Operation A-10] and having to address the repercussions of that situation by [issuing an abort-mission decree].
-Feeling helpless about being able to make money doing things I love
-Turning down an opportunity to hang out with a new friend because I just wasn’t in the mood. I wasn’t even having social anxiety or anything, and I probably would have really enjoyed hanging out. I was just…not motivated enough to leave the house.
-General financial woes
-A couple of specific financial woes, in which projects that I was anticipating bringing in some $ with totally bombed
-Continuing stress dealing with managing my health care needs
-Specifically, freaking out about how I’m going to get my hormones, since it’s apparently damn near impossible for transgender people to get competent, affordable care
-Losing my scissors again
-Wanting [to ride The Magical Mystery Tour Bus] really badly and wallowing in the ways in which I’m blocked from [getting A Ticket To Ride]
-Worrying about a friend who has mostly dropped out of contact
Good Stuff:
-my friend hooked me up with the new Indigo Girls album!
-good journaling
-shared about my Oracle of Happiness on my blog, and inspiring a few people to make their own!
-Enjoying a crush that I know isn’t going anywhere
-I have health insurance now
-My ankle continues to seem like it is getting better
-Reconnecting with a friend after assuming for months that I hadn’t heard from her because she didn’t want to be friends anymore
ANNND…my fake band name this week is: Olympic Gender Drama !
I have to say, every time I read things about your Wonderful Rallies and Other Live Thingies, I start to have a tale of woe in my head about not being able to afford it, probably wouldn’t fit in anyway, blah blah blah.
I’ve started chanting, “Outsider Story! Outsider Story! Outsider Story!” at my monsters whenever they do this.
It doesn’t always work, but the moment of bafflement is often enough to start a different story instead.
Like this one! Where I very much feel like an Insider. And I thought you should know.