In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Not entirely sure how it got to be Friday. Was it not just Friday five minutes ago? Was I not just complaining about how fast last week went?
Oh right. It’s been seven entire days since then. Filled with impossibly hard and good things.
So let’s have at it.
The hard stuff
Travel. I don’t like it.
Having to take a shuttle four hours prior to the flight.
Being pulled out of line to have my ponytail holder inspected (it was seriously just a run-of-the-mill hairband thingy).
Being squooshed into a horrible tiny seat, and feeling stiff and constricted.
I say UGH to all of it.
Plus recovering from all of it. Not to mention the derby hangover.
Oh, lots and lots of stuff from then…
I discovered giant reserves of old pain this week after several different incidents each triggered my PTSD in a big way.
So I spent most of the week just hiding and quietly processing.
And the spiral of spiraling.
That’s the thing about being in a place of deep vulnerability. I begin to disregard the safeguards that are working.
So despite everything in the Book of Me, not to mention all of my wonderful Absolutely Absolutelies, I pretty much managed to break all my own guidelines this week.
Like reading about the nightmare of Penn State when I know that reading most forms of non-soccer or roller-derby related news is not good for me.
Double-especially if it’s news about terrible things happening to people who can’t defend themselves.
Or reading comments on someone’s blog when I already know that the only place online where the comments are consistently and dependably kind, loving and supportive is HERE.
Or checking up on a thing that I knew I would hate, and then hating it. Surprise!
And anger. Anger and grief.
The gentleman and other friends spent a lot of time this week patiently explaining to Angry Me why you apparently can’t call the cops on a parent who is tickling their kid and won’t stop.
Even if the kid is struggling and screaming and begging for them to stop.
If they were hitting the child, you might be able to do something about it.
But a four year old who is learning that there’s no such thing as a safe word? That STOP doesn’t mean anything. And PLEASE doesn’t mean anything. Now that child’s experience of the world is forever changed.
(And yes, this is MY STUFF. And it is from then. And part of me is still so very furious.)
Anyway, apparently there is no means to stop something like this when it is happening right next to you.
You can’t call the authorities. You can’t even punch the person in the face, no matter how much you want to. Even when you believe in your heart that what you are witnessing is a form of torture.
This was a week for crying over brutality, real and perceived. For practicing compassionate communication inside my head. For piling on new experiences of safety. For remembering that Now Is Not Then. It was a lot.
And identity stuff, related to the anger and grief.
Because then Crusader Me, Impassioned Defender of the Weak and Vulnerable Everywhere makes her way to the front of the V, even though this also doesn’t help.
So then I also had to do a lot of negotiating with her, so that she could realize that we practice doing things differently now.
We are changing both the external and internal worlds (and our experience of them) through love and play instead of through anger and blame.
This is hard to remember.
Forgetting to set expectations.
Lots of unclear agreements and arrangemenets.
Again, now is not then.
Even when now is reminding me of then.
Separating out from then. Making safe rooms in my heart.
People not owning their stuff.
Hilarious, of course, as I was in my stuff so much this week.
Lots of experiences of people being in their stuff. And completely abdicating responsibility for their stuff, and not even recognizing that they’re in it.
And then wanting me to take on their stuff. Awesome.
Dentist.
That’s pretty much never fun.
Oh, and then they had some systems error that resulted in me getting three different calls from them, and having to call twice to be able to keep my appointment.
Grrr.
The Misunderstanding of Doom.
Yep! Fun for the whole family.
The good stuff
Oh thank god I’m back in Portland!
Home! Hoppy House!
And oxygen! Sweet, sweet oxygen! There is air here and you can breathe it, and this is the most indescribably marvelous thing.
And color! Glorious, rich, saturated color. Everywhere.
Lush greens. Red, orange and yellow leaves. Even a red traffic light is beautiful when it’s glowing against the grey skies. I instantly felt better when I was back in the world of color.
And moisture. And not having to apply lip balm and lotion every five minutes.
Oh, and not getting nosebleeds. I love that. Well, now I do. I hadn’t really thought about it before.
And the water tastes good. And doing aerobic exercise doesn’t feel like being stabbed in the heart.
(It seems that elevation is not my thing anymore? Yes, well. Lesson: learned.)
Home.
Comfort and routine.
Hiding. Blankets. Flannel. Good.
Getting ridiculous amounts of stuff done.
Which is weird, given how much of the week I spent sobbing in the bathtub.
But so much done!
Including two days of massive behind-the-scenes progress on Shivanauticon!
It’s an Unconventional. It’s going to be the most fabulous and goofy-ass-crazy-circus thing that has ever existed.
We had to invite metaphor mouse on thirty seven different occasions. Turning metaphor-mousing into an extreme sport!
Yay!
I made a neat discovery at the dentist..
Dentist: Wow, you’ve got great teeth!. And look at this, you must have an incredibly low-sugar diet.
Me: Yeah, I quit sugar nearly twelve years ago.
Dentist: Well, that makes sense because you have zero cavities even though your teeth have weird grooves and should be full of cavities, and also because your saliva is very high in calcium. It’s super basic, not acidic like most people’s. Interesting!
Me: ???
Dentist: The way you eat has changed the content of your saliva. And as a result, you have really strong and healthy teeth. But you also get build-up on your teeth significantly faster than other people do because your saliva isn’t eating away at your teeth.
Me: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That kind of explains a lot.
What it really explained was this:
I switch dentists every year. That’s because whenever a dentist sees me for the second time, he or she will tell me that I need to floss more.
Except I’m a mad flossoholic who already veers way too far into OCD over-flossing tendencies. I live to floss!
So dentists who tell me I need to floss more when more would probably get me institutionalized? Screw those people. They shouldn’t get to hang out with my gorgeous teeth. And they definitely don’t get my money.
But here’s what’s really been happening. It’s not build-up from not-flossing. It’s because my saliva is different from everyone else’s. Now that I know this, I won’t have to keep switching dentists.
That was probably not very interesting to read, and you might also possibly be worried about me, but I assure you that this was a highlight, albeit a weird one, in my week.
Asking a smart question instead of falling apart.
The dentist made worrisome noises about wanting to take out my wisdom teeth.
And I totally didn’t start screaming OVER MY DEAD BODY, YOU PSYCHOPATH!!!!
Instead I calmly asked some questions.
And determined that this was purely an aesthetic consideration. My wise, wise teeth are not going to cause me pain or health problems. They might just make my lower teeth move a bit. Which is fine. I can live with charmingly snaggly. In fact, I think I prefer that to a boring straight line of teeth.
Crisis and breakdown magically averted by asking the right things.
Results.
People getting great results from the Kitchen Table call I did on flow yesterday. And the graduates of Crossing the Line are dong miraculous things and still having gigantic epiphanies.
And I am living by what I teach and getting what I need. This is a truly beautiful thing.
This week I used the OODs and Very Personal Ads and the Emergency Calming the Hell Down techniques, and all of it was brilliant.
Especially the Shiva Nata, which is blowing my mind and making everything doable. And now it’s Friday. Hello, Friday!
The fun part of the Chickening happens here.
Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?
- Oh my lord, Tortalandia! I want to eat there right this second.
From the archives.
Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:
- A Tiny Sweet Thing. Always worth re-reading.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band, of course:
The Misunderstanding of Doom!
They put on a pretty raucous show. Lots of cool effects. Bring your ear plus. And yes, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- Reminder: Rally prices are out of date. They’re going up. Also we can maybe-possibly sneak you in on the January Rally on a stowawayship scholarship ship.
- I highly recommend the Art of Embarking, which is the thing I am most excited about right now. This will be the prerequisite for everything I teach in 2012.
- Oooh, and registration for the Floating Playground will be opening later this month. If you’re not on my HAT list (Havi’s Announcing a Thing), you can sign up on the events page.
I think that’s everything? If not, I’ll add stuff to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
TGIF!!!
The hard:
– TONS of shoes thrown at me on Monday via email with people I don’t even know copied on the email. It all boiled down to a male ego power trip. Nice.
– Very early mornings combined with late nights at work. Not a good combination. Exhausted.
– Eating things that I know don’t agree with my digestive system and paying the price. Ugh.
– Learning that a favorite resident died over the weekend. Sad face.
The good:
+ Handled myself very well in Monday’s email skirmish. Added my dean to the CC list. If you want to play that game, I can match you.
+ Last lecture for my Tuesday class was delivered. Now I get to sit back and evaluate the students on their presentations and examinations
+ Got caught up on grading for the Monday class
+ Excellent orientation session (related to the Monday email) yesterday – employees are really excited about the initiatives we have planned for the new fitness center.
+ Got my annual increase! And my new job title!
+ I have been weight training regularly for over 1 month now. Feeling stronger and empowered!
Have a great weekend!
Ugh ugh ugh tickling is the worst. Even Anne Landers said it was abuse! NOT OKAY!
Hugs and hugs to you and to that poor child. Nobody deserves that — to be treated that way, or to feel totally unable to do anything about seeing someone treated that way. 🙁
I’ve been that kid (though it was a gang of classmates, while teachers did nothing). It definitely messes with you to have an experience like that.
I’m going to go do some deep breathing and reminding myself that Now is not Then (a tool for which I will always be insanely grateful, Havi! You are made of awesome).
So much sympathy from me, Havi, about the news and the outrage – I get that way and it hurts. And I totally get the excitement that deciphering a physical mystery can bring, so congrats on the teeth/flossing/saliva revelation.
My week seems to have been physical pain (migraine! Augh!) or emotional distress with small interludes of “Hey, I’m really improving!” It feels like when things are bad they’re incredibly awful and when they’re good it is promising and I think I was just overreacting before. I’m still poking at just noticing and trying to see what’s happening.
Ugh, I hated, hated, hated that tickling thing. I had an uncle who used to do it to me and I just loathed it; it makes you feel so powerless. If people deliberately tickle me now, I kick them. Hard.
THE GOOD STUFF
Hanging with my best friend, who was here for a week helping me declutter the house in preparation for our move in January.
Getting rid of lots of stuff – giving things away on Freecyle feels good and freeing and I’m starting to believe that we will eventually be able to fit all our things into a smaller house.
THE BAD STUFF
The stupid, stupid judge refusing our divorce petition. So now my guy and I have to come up with harsher things to say about our ex-wife, which feels horrible when we’re all trying to let each other go with grace. Bah, why can’t we just go ahead and get divorced without someone else sticking their oar in and making it worse for everyone? It’s all difficult and painful enough without this happening.
Being so utterly exhausted and ill from the decluttering that I had to take a day off from my 365 Jars project. But at least I honoured how I was feeling and took a day off when I needed it, so I guess that’s also a good thing.
Still not having anywhere to live in January and feeling oh-my-god-panicked about it.
Constant worry about my 19 year old also not having his living arrangements sorted out yet. Am starting to see why moving house is one of the most stressful life events.
CHICKENNN!
The hard:
stuff. it has been dredged up. wading, wading, wading. also some crying and other stuff that i hate.
less hard, more annoying: having to soothe the flurry of embarrassment/shame/stuff when the matter of my being on a diet comes up. it makes other people freak out with guilt that *they’re* not on a diet, then i feel uncomfortable because i’ve made *them* uncomfortable, then they sort of act like they have to justify their eating choices to me (when in fact i think they should do whatever they want), etc., etc.
The good:
a tiny island of vacationy-flavored time when I didn’t feel stressed out. this is like, really a first! i feel i have cracked the code for achieving guilt-free relaxation time!
a so-good play. saw it.
boyfriend: so nice when the dredging happens. he is a good egg.
heretofore unachieved diet success! even though i haven’t lost much weight yet, i feel like i’m really getting the hang of the new regime.
wahoo!! a good week.
Lots of my stuff came up this week. Glad it over, despite (maybe in spite of) major shifts of “Oh, so THATS why I do X”.
The hard stuff
Pain.
Applying for a doctorate. Terrifying.
Meetings.
Lack of reply.
Meeting someone who hurt me in a shop.
Stress over work/uni work.
Running out of green tea AGAIN.
Hearing someone say something to someone else which really, I needed to hear but DIDN’T WANT to hear. Mad me feel sad and guilty and bad.
Being too exhausted to remember all my tools (the V, safe rooms, listening to monsters true wish that I be happy)
The Good Stuff!
– Made myself be social when I was resisting but had a vague desire to be social; and loved it. (i picked the social stuff carefully).
– Compassion kind of.. took over me when I met the person in he shop; so it didn’t end in tears.
– Sleep; being able to sleep is so so good.
– Got a placement at the hospital I wnat to volunteer at! And then my current volunteering manager said she spoke to the interviewer and apparently he was pretty much begging me to start there and then during the interview (though he just nodded at all my answers in person). So yays; praise!
– My other half is coming over for the weekend and we’re opening our Yule presents early. Because we can (and they’re games we really really want to play)..
Thanks for providing this space, Havi.
Hi Havi!
Weirdest thing ever, but my dentist told me the SAME thing this week! I FINALLY understand why I need to get my teeth cleaned every 3 months. After being told off for years.<3 good professionals!
And, on a totally unrelated note, thanks for the VPA technique. This week I got a HUGE VPA answered. Relief. 🙂
Love,
Taty
Ch-ch-chicken!!!
This week’s hard:
– Crummy show last weekend; barely covered my (not inconsiderable) booth fee. Not doing that one again.
– Loud, obnoxious yardpeople who trample my gardens and blow away all my lovely mulch. Need to find someone gentler next year to deal with the mountains of leaves.
– Watching someone I love suffer needlessly. But I can’t make him do what *I* think is best; he has to figure that out himself. Hurts to watch.
This week’s good:
– Much progress on lots of little projects.
– Finally got my editing website updated and out of its five-year-old limbo. It’s still not where I want it to be, but it’s getting there. Yay for baby steps!
– The last of the truly horrific ugly-ass paint in this house is GONE! (There are still some not-ideal colors hanging around, but at least they don’t make me want to hurl like that color in the entryway and all over the first floor made me want to do.) And it was less expensive than I thought it would be. And the guys who did it were funny (ha-ha funny, not weirdo funny). Amazing how that changes the whole look of this house and my mood!
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
Oh chicken! Cluckety-cluck.
My week, too, was full of hard and full of amazing.
Hard:
+ Oh, school. And work.
+ Monies.
+ Fucking brain chemicals.
Amazing:
+ Coming to the knowledge that it’s time to let go of so many aspects of pre-Freckled Brilliance Simone. Including the current ‘career’ track that I’m in. Yeah. I gotta do it.
+ Writing. People reading mine. Patti Digh linking me. Deciding I want to write a book. Remembering all the stuckness that used to live here and that is no longer.
+ Getting better at hypnosis and change work. It is just the best thing EVERRR.
+ Shiva Nata. I think I finally figured out how to get epiphanies from it.
+ Getting my wings back. Trying them on. Still kind of scared but knowing how to go to that place where I’m not scared.
+ Thinking about Rallying next week. And how everything is already so different.
A pre-VPA VPA.
I want an alter ego or a… thing. Like Havi’s Selma. Except mine isn’t a duck because that’s already taken and I don’t have a duck. My alter ego / ‘thing’ represents the completely badass, cocky ‘bring it the fuck on!!!!!’ side of me. It absolutely owns my own genius, isn’t afraid of it and doesn’t fucking apologize for it. It is going to be completely unsurprised and unflappable when I stumble into signs of massive success and absolute brilliance. It is a huge diva and needs to be contained, except no, it needs to come out now.
I need to find ‘it’, name ‘it’, and invite it to come hang out with me. And notice how that changes everything.
YEAH.
happy weekend! Mine is going to be nuts, but in a good way.
Friday! Hello, Friday.
The Hard Stuff
– Family Visiting
– The stupidity that is most weddings. And the way everyone tries to rope you into that stupidity. Ugh, wedding planning.
– Awful awful back pain. Quoth the massage therapist: “This is the worst your neck has ever been. Whatever you did, don’t do it again.”
– Lots and lots and lots of Now is Then thinking.
– Breaking all my own rules about taking care of myself and freaking out pretty hard core.
The Good Stuff
– My best friend is coming to stay for two days! She’s going to be here in about four hours!
– We figured out that for the wedding we want only immediate family and bestest friends at the ceremony, which handily solves about a thousand problems.
– After freaking out about the mess in my room all week, I cleaned it in 40 minutes last night. Sparkily.
– I was watching the Office and saw an episode where they were eating brownies, and I had this glorious glorious remembering that my *entire life* before this last year I was horribly horribly addicted to sugar. And now I have so much more time and energy to give to things other than cookies and brownies. And I can watch the gentleman eat pie and not feel at all deprived.
– All of which is really good to remember when you’re afraid that Now actually is Then. Because it’s not. Then I used to eat a gallon of ice cream a night. Now I eat lots of collard greens. 😀
So sorry for all of us who have been in the powerless childhood situation (tickling or otherwise)…
I’ll never forget Fred Donaldson (Original Play guy)speaking to parents at my school and telling them that tickling was bullying and abusive. I watched several parents leave in a huff and others turn off. But, there were some who really got it.
Havi, I totally get the outraged defender of the weak part of you coming to the front of the V. It hasn’t been effective for me much either – except in my own mind.
The week that was
Hard:
* Watching daughter have to deal with big and ugly consequences for her actions 🙁
* House still not selling and not much traffic
Good:
* Passed certification exam – and better, wasn’t nervous so didn’t over-study
* Gave culminating project paper to editor/acquaintance and response was good. Don’t have any major rewrites and now someone else has laid eyes on the “baby.” Getting close to letting go.
* Finally, after a year, I found a 5Rhythms class near (enough) to me and went last night – awesome.
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– old lady neighbor repeatedly accusing us of throwing her mail in the trash (As if!)
– grumpy husband
– giant pile of laundry needing attention
– mass quantity of phone calls and emails regarding holiday logistics
The Good:
– when meeting one of my work’s higher-ups for the first time, being told by them that I come “highly recommended” for the project by an even higher-up
– working through a major issue of mine from the past
– finally taking the time to write a draft of a paper
Oh chickeny chickeny chickeny chicken,
Bring me a weekend I’m no longer sick in?
Okay, silly rhymes aside, here is mine!
Hard things
My stuff getting stepped on. Big and loud and sometimes small and terrifying. Awful, all around.
Digestive stress. Feeling under attack by my own tums and inner plumbings! And consequently, no foods feel safe.
The sudden superpower of: no longer being comfortable AT ALL with things that used to not bug me. Hard because it took me some time to get used to it and start planning ahead.
The organizational stuckness thing is still going on and the more I dig the harder it becomes.
Thanksgiving, for various reasons, is not going to go my way.
Discovering a fun new thing and then finding out I can’t have it.
Having to skip the third dance class in a row (and the second to last one of the cycle! ughghghg) due to the ongoing sickness which has camped out in my lungs for the last three weeks.
Lots of confusing walls and barriers in the way on the smallest of tasks. Things that aren’t where they should be. Information that’s not accessible.
Negotiating with two competing insurance claims and their respective bureaucracies, over a small thing which is making my house colder than it needs to be.
The fireplace is broken. Boo.
Good things!
I’m feeling a bit better! I’m finally feeling a bit better! It’s glorious.
Getting back to tea-habits after a brief sojourn in coffee-land is always pleasant and peaceful.
Easy bedtimes with the little llama.
My unexpected superpower (discernment of discomfort!) has led to a lot of clarity about what I need to do.
My warm purple hat. It’s my favorite thing about cold weather!
Having a cold store in my garage that is full of beautiful onions, potatoes, yams, squashes, and pumpkins for roasting later feels lovely in a kind of squirrel-ready-for-hibernation way.
Time-travel dreams. Dimension-traveling dreams. Very lovely dreams all around, lately.
xo to all!
Ugh, tickling is the worst; what a horrible situation for you and the child.
The hard:
Apparently making dramatically life-changing plans brings up all my stuff. Every last piece. Whoever would’ve guessed?
Ridiculous amount of stress and weirdness over a job offer, utter time suck, terrible communication, unreliability and ended up with a situation where I could’ve been working for less than minimum wage. Gnashes fangs.
Ouchy back muscle.
The good:
Hatching life-changing plans and starting taking baby steps towards getting there.
Love.
Rediscovering how much I love something.
Being able to realise that all this stuff is stuff. Considerably less freaking out than there would’ve been a year ago. Yay!
After feeling so bored of my photo project, suddenly have a burst of inspiration today with editing.
Ah, time for Friday evening chill out.
Echoing everyone here on the powerless tickling/outraged defender thing. Hugs for any who want them.
~
The Hard:
Oh god, moving. So much worry and stress and ugh. My routines are broken, my space is chaos. Struggling with feelings of lack regarding time and money and support. Doubt is high, confidence low.
Other moving-related things, like reencountering old old journals and being overwhelmed by the pain in them. Seeing (again) how pain and abuse shaped my life, and how being in that pain led me to hurt those around me. Being reminded of difficult moves in the past and how constricted my life used to be. Extreme difficulty separating now from then.
Body stuff adding to my worries. Most likely happening because of all this change and transformation and therefore likely to sort itself out when that’s done, but still worrisome.
~
The Good:
Um. I’ve watched some really great movies on Netflix this week while packing? The beautiful, moving, encouraging kind. And looking at that I see how even in this state of chaos and upset I find sneaky ways to support myself.
Even with all the hard, I know this move is the right thing for me. While I may doubt whether I can pull it off, I don’t doubt that I should try.
I’m touched that friends are throwing me a goodbye party on Saturday. And by offers of help from others. I know there is support to be had if I can ask for it.
Whoa, Chicken! I am chickening! This week was faaaaast…
The Hard:
-Brain Chemicals making me several distinct and rather unpleasant people 🙁
-Finding out a BIG CORE ISSUE after Shiva Nata. I can barely look at the page… need some buffers and stop telling myself how stoopid epiphanies are.
-Feeling entirely fuzzy and off and stuck most of the time.
-And the tickling! Thank you for saying the tickling is torture! It TOTALLY is… I’ve often wondered if I had repressed memories of something horrific, cause I tend to Freak.Out.Entirely when tickled. but hey, I do remember being tickled tortuously (and yay, legitimacy to call it horrific), and much easier to deal with that. Hey, that’s a good.
The Awesome!:
-Huge amounts of energy for all sorts of things and projects. Not the mission-projects, necessarily. But excitements for lifes, huzzah.
-I tend to forget that I have the superpower of loving and absolutely rocking job interviews! so weird. (pretty-please perfect income security blanket find me now, so I can feel even better about this)
-Also, introvert me is discovering slowly that ‘networking’ feels sort of fun? When done right.
-Making pretties for a friend with no attachment to the outcome, ahhh.
-Shiva Nata classes! SO MUCH BRAINJUICE! And not-caring-although-it’d-be-much-nicer if people would come play with me, too.
-Strategic retreat to the library – so lovely. and Back of the Napkin by Dan Roan helped me make sense of so many things… Library Superpowers!
-Last week’s Grandma Superpowers holding me in good stead.
Love to all!
So, so sorry to hear about all the hard things. Just aching for you. That sounds so hard.
Speaking of hard…
–This is more embarrassing than anything else: I experienced bodily-function fail (sorry, too embarrassed to be more specific) at about 11:30 this morning, while at my work site, with no alternative that I can see other than to make the best of it and lay low until I get to leave at 5PM. Five and a half hours. GAH.
–Co-parenting conflicts. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we could just agree on the best way to handle everything?
On to the good…
–At rehearsal this week, someone in front of me turned around and said, “You are an amazing sight-reader.”
–Roller derby! Oh, it was fun to watch, and I plan to be back for next month’s bout.
–Plenty of dreaming, vague scheming, and general incubation of gwishes and hopes. May it continue!
cluck, cluck …
The Hard: blizzard of emails regarding a non-work and non-personal but urgent and kind of important thing which has fried my brain and left me hating everyone involved even though they are great people and I will love them again … later.
The Good: knowing that this too shall pass and that in consequence our organization will get a level of priceless visibility that we have never had. Code word: Kit Cat. When: Jan 2. Where: Rose Parade.
The Good
Like Rose and possibly others up above me, I’m applying for PhD program (unless she’s actually at the finishing up her PhD stage), so uh,
+ I actually asked my professor (I’ve been out of school for 5.5 yrs, so yes only 1 prof) for a letter of rec.
+ Made huge progress on my personal history essay this week and emailed a solid draft of it to said professor
+ Husband okay’d me on my serial blog addiction. So, on new crazy blog, I’m going to take my time and write up a huge backlog of posts before a) I pay for hosting and b) start advertising said blog.
+ I’ve decided that I don’t really care about work after being pretty sure that they’ll lay me off purely based on seniority, so… that stress is greatly reduced. Not that I’m not working, but I’m not invested in it. Which idk if it makes sense or not, but there it is.
+ I solved the huge gaping plot-hole that I didn’t know how I was going to reach the end scene of my novel. It is there, there is character arc, character growth, it’s awesome! And making awesome progress on it.
The Hard
– So, after the union meeting last week. Personnel sent someone out to explain that they will be doing two waves of layoffs twice a year, based on seniority and classification and that no one is safe. So… this is what caused the checking out from responsibilities above.
– Not enough time. Seriously. I want to have all day long to work on my novel, my essays, squirreling away blog posts, and of course, socializing, exercising, and hanging out…
Havi I would have punched that parent. Seriously.
Re travel why not travel slower and go by train? its much more civilized.
~~~
the hard
eczema – worse and worse worried its re infected
no internet access for a week which means that my transfer of website to wordpress is delayed I feel I’m living in some kind of strange inbetween world on the internets
work lack of blah blah blah
the good
no internet access! began to live an analogue life
Much crochet and writing of postcards
decided I need to dump a voluntary commitment which I did not miss when off line
decided I need a site for my photography
E helped me rescue some over explosed film
Eating superhealthy due to the eczema
seeing two poodles in the park and the owner calling them meercats (one was standingup on its hindlegs)
I am SO with you and everyone on the tickling. It is actually one of my Rules of Interaction – no squeeze-tickling. EVER.
Light-touch tickle meant to raise goosebumps or happy-shivers rather than make one laugh is an exception, but that’s because I perceive that the intent is SO much different there. In my mind, the former is an effort to manipulate one’s physical reflexes; the latter is a gentle desire to give someone platonic pleasure.
Also, yay Dentist Who Figured It Out! I love stories of medical people who know how unusual and unique bodies are and don’t apply stereotemplates to the bodies they’re working with.
Anyway! Sorry, Tangents! (Sines! Cosines!) On to Chicken!
Hard:
– OMG painpainpain. Intense on Monday, moderate on Tues & Wed, faint Thurs until the evening, then severe on Thurs night into Fri. This is a cyclical thing due to the lack of structural integrity in my skeleton and cartilage, which manifests in my hips/pelvis – happens to me every so many years, ever since I was 22. But sadly, the solutions are difficult and, once it gets past a certain point, require trained assistance.
– Credit card fraud. My $$ gone until the paperwork for fraud reporting goes through. Had to cancel the card…
– …just in time to not have a needed credit card before I had planned leave the state for Thanksgiving. Right now not sure what this means for my plans; keeping my hopes high.
– On a diet, which has eliminated all of my comfort foods and beverages.
– Water poisoning last night because of the above. I drink in response to pain – regardless of what I’m drinking. I should have known to add something with minerals to the mix, since I wasn’t eating even half as much as I usually do.
– Had to cancel hypnosis due to above pain and water poisoning.
– Unpleasant work interactions. This one person is SO loud and insistent and repetitive that I get headaches.
Good:
* The lovelyman is moving in SO soon! 15 days! *gleeee*
* Which means soon I’ll have 4 fuzzy babies instead of just 1. I love my puppa to pieces, but I also love my stepkittens.
* Taking a tool from the Art of Embarking as part of my workmeeting ritual to make the headaches lessen.
* The Glorious Leaves continue!
* The diet has been quite successful, much to my surprise. It’s not the food, but the drops I’m taking. I’m happily shocked…
* General waves of happy.
Lots of gratitude to everyone for being the type of people you are. Hoping the good gets even better.
Yay Chicken!
I slept a lot and had dreams this week. I dreamed that I was at Rally and there were a few secret little rooms where you could stay, so you could keep Rallying all night and all day! I dreamed that I was at the dollar store and found a magic wand with a Tinkerbelle-like figure at the top and went around blessing people for various good things and it made everyone happy.
My birthday was Wednesday and it was an okay day, no big celebration or activity, but I a ton of birthday wishes. My mom called; we had a delightful conversation.
MrB buys me chocolate and builds me bookshelves.
I had coffee with a friend this afternoon and it was great.
I had a small accident that left me with an injured arm and, oddly, improved my knee!
New insightments about my stuff, my thing, and my condition. It was awesome.
For the first time in 30 years, I’m going to make homemade pumpkin pie for the family Thanksgiving, because my sister who always brings the pie may go to her in-laws this year!
And there was this headline on a newspaper – “Talk Derby To Me”! I haven’t read it yet but it looks like my town is going to have a Roller Derby team!
What was hard this week: the usual crap, plus (to quote Simone!) fucking brain chemicals. Still, understanding about that has improved things.
The good:
Making progress towards a new home and business. Goodness it’s slow. But it is progress.
Making progress in the hard and in the soft towards forming my business.
Realizing I have outgrown some friendships, and have let them go.
The hard:
Being angry at myself/feeling guilty for past mistakes. Remembering Now is not Then, everyone involved has grown, grown up, and, for better or for worse, changed; it’s possible no one else remembers said mistakes but me.
Still feeling lots of fear and doom and ‘ohmygod, what if no one actually likes what I bring to the table or the way I bring my thing to the table?’ things around my life and my business as they go now.
May I offer you some hugs, Havi?
*hugs* <- there if you'd like 'em 🙂
—
My week –
The hard:
– Stuff! Lots of it. Lots of not wanting to get out of bed and not getting work done. Lots of getting triggered by stuff that I'm reading for school. Which makes it really very hard to focus and learn and treat the material in a way that school requires. Meh.
– Having to cancel therapy next week for a job interview. Not knowing when I'll be able to go next.
– Missing baby so much. All the time. Guilt.
– Massive emotional backlash from working out. I wanted to be in my body in a loving way and somehow felt the exact opposite. Still figuring out what exactly happened.
– Sleeping excessively to avoid stuff. Trying to engage with stuff but being overwhelmed.
– Winter! And all the mood changes it entails.
The good:
– I'm eating again! This is progress.
– A job interview! At a not-very-exploitative-student-job.
– Postponed deadlines! Hooray! My schedule for the rest of this month up until mid December is wonderfully relaxed now that a deadline has been moved forward.
– Catching up with two absolutely wonderful people whom I love. Hugs from both and snuggles with another wonderful person.
– My new plant – it's still alive! I'm surprised, in a good way.
– Lovely roommates sharing chocolate.
Friday seems to come so fast.
Hards
– lack of structure, and resistance to implementing structure.
– resistance to pretty much all kinds of genuine self-care actions even though I know that taking care of myself enables me to take care of others. Ie, my capacity to love others (in the verb/action/doing sense) is a direct reflection of my capacity to love (verb-wise) my self. I know this. Logic then points to questionability of key point of my identity as a loving person. Feelingful, sure. But the fact I FEEL an emotion of love/goodwill/concern for you (or I) means sweet fuck-all if it doesn’t translate into real life ACTIONS. Love is a verb.
– the silence and evasiveness of The Resistance to any kind of understanding/negotiation.
– The Resistance is a super tricky bugger and I find him smeared all over all the Really Useful Techniques to get him to come out into the light so we can talk and I can find out what he needs. Probably because I’m resenting him so much that it’s not safe to do so (note dissociation via gendered pronoun that definitely states we’re not the same person….) Probably the fucker needs some love….. *sigh*
– apparently I have huge triggery painful buttons around ‘not being heard’. This just keeps showing up (usually after losing my stack and screaming in frustration/rage/pain which is painful and frightening to be on the receiving end of, and leaves me with an awful emotional-hangover plus guilt). Communicating better… and insisting on being heard in ways that don’t involve screaming… would be nice… VPA… nell cadrone…. gwish…
– enough already. Other stuff is just fall-out from the above.
Goods
+ Little Lad. Is doing well. Progress and development. The tight grip of fear for him in my heart relaxing, a bit, once in a while.
+ feeling some capacity returning.
+ a couple of days of getting stuff done. In between the resistance, it did happen.
+ next week is appmt city. Which means things that are waiting on advice/info/outcomes of said appmts will start moving again. (Note to self: must vpa on doing prep for appmts…)
+ hope still rumbles underneath all the crap I manage to bury it in.
+ some of my Martha Stewart Holiday Dreamings was ACTUALLY creative and inspired, not just part of the carpetbag contents of the Oooh-Shiny!!-Distraction Monsters.
+ seeing people I admire and care about soaring. Warm glows.
+ my mum cleaned my house, including all the dusting/window-washing type stuff I never get to. Thanks mum…..
+ spring, sunshine, mangos. Yogic philosophy, which I love thinking about even if actually LIVING the practice is so soooooo hard…. *sigh*
Cluck cluck.
Also on the goods: Little Lad keeps cuddling my belly and telling the baby that he loves her… Sooo cute. Also the onslaught of pink has swamped us, I will not have to buy this kid a thing! (I have bleached a bunch of singlets so we can all have a break from the colour pink though!)
Chicken!
Virtual hugs for everyone’s hard. Also, Simone, do you ever look at the comic strip Rose is Rose? Because your impending alter ego totally reminded me of Rose’s alter ego Vicky 🙂
Anyway, the week.
The Hard:
-not getting the stuff done that I meant to get done last weekend, which resulted in other stuff not even getting attempted and…yeah, blah.
-money woes. also blah. I’m so BORED with that hard.
-too many people out when running errands today. I specifically went today to avoid all the crowds that will appear after Thanksgiving – why did everyone have my idea?
The Good:
-ignoring everything to sink into a book by one of my favorite authors – lovely.
-nesting and cooking and generally embracing the homey
-when faced with a major recurring wall, I sat my butt down and applied the stuff I’ve been learning here. I talked to my wall and brought in metaphor mouse. I feel much, much better. Thank you Havi!
-shivanautical ephiphanies – fascinating.
-peppermint tea
Have a wonderful week, y’all!
I made the mistake of reading Penn State news too. I’ve had an Absolutely Absolutely fence around news (especially if it involves people hurting and I can’t help them) for many years now, and occasionally I peek over the fence and almost invariably regret it. In this case, someone in my life who works at Penn State keeps talking about it, and somehow I got the convoluted idea that since I didn’t want to avoid the place where I encounter this person, I should read some of the news so I would know what was going on. In hindsight, I think maybe I was trying to somehow desensitize myself by forcing myself to read it. So, with thanks to whatever monster came up with that ingenious plan to protect me from the pain of hearing this person talk about it all the time, I firmly shut the gate of my Abso-Abso fence and stay right here on my side where I belong, even if that means avoiding that space for a while.
Okay, Chicken Time!
HARD STUFF:
-feeling anxious and pressured about addressing money issues
-feeling helpless as I take actions that are supposed to work (dammit!) and they aren’t working
-struggling to name and receive what is rightfully mine from [Operation A-10]
-feeling like I can’t do things because I don’t have the money
-a few Bad Sleep nights
-tried to replicate the awesome dal from two weeks ago, and it didn’t come out very well
-much lower level of motivation than i would prefer
-releasing the idea that I will pick up the [Tongue Twister] I started a few months ago
-moping about not [being on the Magical Mystery Tour bus] but feeling like I’m not taking any constructive steps toward reaching that goal, or having a sense of how to get there
GOOD STUFF:
-finally made some progress in cleaning the bathroom
-took a couple leaps of faith: [the Stretchy Pocket one] and [the Green Sparkly one].
-made a couple of blog posts with which I am pleased
-went out and socialized, on purpose! and enjoyed it!
-wrote and performed an awesome Flow Ritual
-finished reading The Will to Change by bell hooks
-started reading Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
-started reading Crave Radiance by Elizabeth Alexander
-making another valiant effort at [Operation A-10 Recovery]
-the list of International Championship of Collegiate A Cappella competitors has been released, which means I can begin my annual tradition of listening to every group on the list and compiling a delicious playlist of favorites!
-still enjoying my crush that isn’t going anywhere
-enjoying the possibility of a different possible crush that actually might go somewhere
Annnnd…Fake Band of the Week: The Celery Stalkers. I don’t really like them, but they never seem to disappear…
I am chickening up on several weeks.
The hard:
– Almost two hours on public transport every day somehow swallow the time that I used to have for morning and evening yoga or stretching sessions.
– I had the worst shoulder tension ever, arrgh, pain.
– I constantly feel some kind of back pain somewhere.
– Skin doesn’t like the cold and gets really dry and itchy especially around my eyes.
– A really unpleasant encounter with the owner of a wine shop who was so rude – and I only came up with the ultimate sovereign reply when I was back home of course.
The good:
– A hermit weekend with lots of sleeping and contemplating and also making the place all clean and nice and cosy.
– A weekend with a fairly new friend that was so relaxed, she was the sort of visitor that is a pleasure to have around.
– One weekend where I wasn’t far from the sea and where managed to go for a long walk on the cliffs.
– Fabulous cooking sessions.
– Lots of sunshine.
– Found a new dress and a new skirt that are both “me”.
– A friend in town and he took me out for a lovely dinner and we had time to catch up.
– Husband back from unsafe place in just a few days.
Cluck.
The HARDEST OF HARDS:
– one week after arriving in Mexico & getting our house set up & mom set up with hospice-type care she fell & broke her hip.
– what??!!
– fear & worry & why didn’t I ever learn to speak Spanish?
– scary ambulance ride to cancun
– horrible realization that mom needed surgery & couldn’t get on commercial flight back home
– tons of heavy shoes thrown way by my brother who loves to say things like “I told you so” & “I knew this would happen”
– tip-toeing around everyone’s feelings about medical care in Mexico.
– feeling completely alone & overwhelmed
– nd also SO SAD. All my mom wanted was to spend some time at her house & see her friends before she passes.
– and sad/grief or me, too.
– finally made it to a hospital in Tampa & first they ignored us completely & then they tried to give my mom morphine, which is the only thing she is allergic to.
– total fear around being even more broke than before & now have to find a way to assist with paying for Air Ambulance
– disoriented– where do I live now?
THE GOOD
– family & friends coming together to help get mom out of Mexico
– air ambulances are a good thing
– Mom’s surgery went well & so far things are smooth
– my sister always makes me laugh
– starting to remember & implement some self-care after pushing myself over the edge.
The Hard:
– Criticism. So much criticism, people saying the same things over and over again. I did something in a creative project of mine, people hated it, and I can’t defend myself and tell them why I did it without spoiling the whole thing. I’m not sure there’d be much point to it, everyone’s shaking their heads, telling me how disappointed they are in me and walking away. (No, really, I can’t count how many times they’ve said word-for-word, “I’m disappointed.”) By the time I can show my hand, nobody will be left.
– Thinking the above was over and getting a nasty shock. It’s been going on four weeks. I thought it’d have blown over by now, but it’s only started anew, and while I was fine right now I just want it to be over. I’m scared it’ll never end, that it’s all falling apart and I’m just in denial, and that even after I show my hand it won’t stop.
– I feel like shit.
– So many shoes have been flung. I’ve stopped looking at feedback because it’s just the same shoes over and over again.
The Good:
– My writerly friends have been an amazing support in the face of the above, and not a single one of them, even the ones who’ve read it themselves, have thought I did the wrong thing. They believe in me. They’re teaching me to believe in myself. I could freaking cry with how amazing they’ve been to me.
– It can only get better from here. If it gets worse, pah. I know I can handle it.
– I’m not miserably depressed. Depressed, yes, but I’m on an “okay” level and that’s great. I’m okay.
– I know what I’m doing. I trust myself, I’ve never been so confident in myself before.
Claire P, what you wrote about the hard gave words to what has been going on for me. Thank you for the insight.
“+ hope still rumbles underneath all the crap I manage to bury it in.” I love that you can say that.
I’m a rookie here, been reading the blog for months, but haven’t participated in the Friday Chicken yet, and it’s Sunday… something feeling necessary and good about this.
The Hard:
– Traveling overseas while bleeding and the accompanying jetlag and sleep deprivation that goes with it.
– Feeling that “am i safe?” feeling again….
– Waking up at noon feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck….
– Feeling scared to admit the “crazy” place that I was just in…
– Forgetting to remember that my body is expectedly totally out of whack, sleep pattern is disrupted, and I’m in the dark phase of my cycle….
The Good:
– I was able to calmly just lay in bed last night for the four hours of awake time when I should have been sleeping….and comfort myself….
– I managed to stay very mindful and mentally strong about being “home”.
– I remembered to just lay down and feel it all today when the “crazy” started to hit.
– I’m back with my baby.
– I’m Friday Chickening for the first time!
Invoking chicken amnestey!
The Bad
– drama in the house over nothing
– not being able to deal with the drama.
– too many triggers and guilt-tripping and shoes being thrown.
– seeing an old friend and somehow feeling unseen all over again.
– comments about bolivia by my grandma. and wanting so badly to be in a different place and knowing i can never satisfy all these expectations.
The Good
+ finishing a data-rewiring script. that was a long time coming. and so incredibly good and worthy of celebration.
+ being home. being home and not having to leave
+ a mostly harmonious visiting weekend