In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Wow. Hard to believe it’s been a hundred chickens since I got to make the 76 trombones joke.
Pretty much no one thought was funny but me. Speaking of which: sad trombone!
I have been avoiding writing this week’s chicken.
I think it’s because I don’t want to remember the hard parts. There was a fair amount of hard.
Okay, permission to not have to name it all. I’ll chicken as a way to say: I am here.
The hard stuff
Overwhelmed. So overwhelmed!
Here is a partial list of things that were going on for me this week:
- Planning the winding down of the year for my Kitchen Table program (our third and final year), answering questions, calming worries, planning the Appreciation Picnic.
- Planning the opening of the brand-new Floating Playground.
- Planning the opening of the new actual Playground (we’re keeping the current space but also expanding and moving into a larger space).
- Planning Shivanauticon!
- Planning my workshop on visualizations and badassery for the roller derby team.
- Planning for having a houseguest at Hoppy House.
- Planning to bring in a third full-time employee (three includes me, yes?) onto the pirate ship, and thinking about how best to train this person. Also, employee? What a depressing word! Where’s metaphor mouse?!
- Planning my Absconding because I need a pirate queen holiday pronto.
So. Each one of these is a really good thing, not a hard thing.
But having so many pieces to interact with (and so much of other people’s worry in my space) was really, really challenging.
I got a piece of AMAZING news and then didn’t feel happy about it.
Finally got a YES on the thing I have been wanting, hoping and wishing for over the past several months.
So now it’s real.
I’d thought this news would result in delighted skipping up and down the street.
But what actually happened was that the full OHMYLORD THIS IS HAPPENING began to sink in.
It’s not that I don’t want it. I want it more than anything. And it’s not that I’m not ready. This is the time. This is what I want.
It’s just the growth period that lives at the threshold. But my sadness in the moment of realizing that my wish is going to come true is made sadder by the realization that there’s sadness, if that makes sense.
So this week I’m going to need to spend some time with that grief, and find out about this new change. And figure out how to make it happen in ways that are fun and light-hearted. Because Barrington says that this is important.
A challenge that I don’t want.
I know we will find the perfect simple solution. It will work out as it needs to.
And in the meantime, I’m in the challenging part.
Advice.
I don’t like. I didn’t ask for it. I don’t want it. If I’d wanted it, I would have asked for it.
Frustrated mouse moments about this all week.
Got in a fight with someone who works on the pirate ship.
I tend to hire people who are very down-to-earth, to balance out my need for excitement and risk-taking that is part of (for me) being an unlikely business savant.
But then I get annoyed when they can’t get excited about the crazy fabulous things I dream up. But of course they can’t, because that’s not what they do.
Anyway, we worked it out. With compassionate communication. And discovered that (as always), it was just a misunderstanding. But not fun. And I’m feeling even more mama-bear-protective of my tiny sweet things than usual.
My stuff got triggered.
Someone called me a greedy little piggy. He said it in the most loving, endearing way. With a chuckle. As if it was adorable and sweet.
It was this moment of total disconnect.
Someone smiling happily at me but with this (to-my-ears) condescending and judgmental monster-script phrase coming out of his mouth. Echoing my actual monsters.
I froze. I made a safe room for me-from-then. And an entire apartment buildings of safe rooms. For angry, indignant me. For “what if it’s true” me. For all of my hurt.
I brought the pirate queen back to the front of the V.
I translated in my head to what I’m pretty sure this person actually meant to say, which was probably something like: “Wow, you’re really clear about what you want, and you’re not afraid to go for it.”
He had no intention of hurting my feelings, and no knowledge that this is something that can set off my stuff.
But man, it shut me down for days. And I’m still dealing with the fall-out. A lot of pain from then.
And more hard stuff that I don’t want to talk about.
We’ll just put this as a placeholder.
Reminder to sad, scared selves: I don’t have to name it. I can just know that it was there. Now is not then. Sad happens. It’s okay.
The good stuff
Change is exciting.
I’ve spent the past seven years working towards the things that are happening NOW.
And even though I didn’t know how awesome some of these things would be, I knew that we were headed towards excitement. And here it is!
Expanding the Playground!
The vision knew about this 18 months ago. It even told me what it would look like.
And now it’s happening.
Plus we get to keep the current Playground.
This is big and important.
Getting closer to something important.
I can tell by how much my stuff was up this week.
For months I have been trying to figure out what the bridge is between the cool stuff that I’m doing and the cool stuff that I want to be doing.
The bridge is here.
I just hadn’t realized how much growth is required in stepping onto it. But you guys! The bridge! I have been dreaming about this for so long.
Proud and happy.
At the end of the first year of the Kitchen Table, there were some temper tantrums. People who didn’t know how to process endings. People who were in their stuff.
Same thing at the end of the second year.
Not this year.
I have a hundred people who know how to take ownership of their experience. They can process the hard. They can do the advanced practice. They can destuckify.
They remember how without me having to remind them. They live what I teach without falling so deep into their stuff that they forget how to interact with what’s happening.
I feel joyful and appreciative watching them do it.
Roller derby workshop!
I taught a two hour workshop that used Shiva Nata and force fields and extreme silliness to help a group of amazing athletes get better at using visualizations and meditative processes to skate better.
It ROCKED. They rocked.
So excited for this season!
Bryan’s CDs arrived.
Remember when I asked if anyone had Long, Slow & Deep?
Gaye did and she sent it to me. Perfect timing.
The Playground calendars are here and they are so completely beautiful.
They’re filled with play!
I burst out laughing every time I pick one up. They’re exactly what I wanted, and I can’t stop looking at them.
This might be the most gorgeous product we’ve ever made.
The rendezvous was a success!
I loathe meetings, as you might imagine.
But we had one. And we managed to make it fun.
And now I have all the information I need to move forward, as well as the go-ahead from the people in charge of the thing I wasn’t sure about.
Healthy.
Usually when I have this much going on, I get sick.
But — tfu tfu tfu — things have been fine.
I’ve been taking naps, dancing, meditating, yoga-ing, processing, reflecting, taking care of myself.
This is a sign that this work I’ve been doing has changed how I teach and how I lead. That’s a big deal, and I want to remember that.
The fun part of the Chickening happens here.
From the archives.
Old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:
- Look how wise I was two years ago. This made me so happy to rediscover: You don’t need to take the leap.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Proxy To Spare
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- Less than two weeks until Rally prices go up. January is sold out. You can still make February or March. Rally (Rally!) . It’s the best thing I do.
- If you’re thinking about the Floating Playground, you’ll definitely need the Art of Embarking. Which is also still at not-full-price, so you can enjoy the fact that I’ve been too busy to update things.
- I’ll tell the HAT list (Havi’s Announcing a Thing!) about the Floating Playground before I open it to the public, so that’s always a good thing to be on. I hardly ever send out announcements but when I do, that’s the place.
I think that’s everything? If not, I’ll add stuff to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Today I’m wearing a fox hat and silent retreating my whole chicken but super happy to be here and blowing kisses to the new playground.
Sending very gentle, tender tendrils of support for all the hard things.
My hard stuff:
–Beloved family members being upset and angry around me. I’m getting so much better at keeping my own energy clear and separate, which is wonderful, but still — pain.
–Holy cow, we have a whole lot to do in the next few days to get ready for holiday schtuff! Easy does it, monsters. Now is not then. We’ll talk. We’ll color. Yes, there is time.
My good stuff:
–Thanks to a bit of random, serendipitous good luck, combined with me being sovereign, confident and in-the-moment decisive, I managed to sail past and completely avoid a horrendous traffic jam.
–I have a sweet little rosemary plant that I’m planning to decorate. Her name is Clooney.
–Many magical little moments of music-making with clients.
I’ve got a busy weekend ahead, and I’m determined to bring playful power and sprinkles of stardust into the mix. Excelsior!
Hard
Being lost in a vast swamp of shame surrounded by a thick fog of failure.
Knowing that this is an illusion of my own creation, and this knowledge being further proof of my essential failure.
Good
I don’t know. I’m still here to feel like shit. Supposedly where there’s life there’s hope.
I can go through the motions still so it’s not clinical yet.
There were ?days? where this wasn’t my reality, I think?
Ooo I haven’t chickened in soooo longing because of the ill of doom, and now this is a happy drunk chicken which is maybe a tchishken…or something. I’ve drunk more tonight than I have in the last month, so bear with me. Paws!
The hard
Ha, did we mention the ill of doom that the last month of my life vanished into?
Also apparently the part where I can only watch so much of my life come apart at the seams before I start to do the same. Luckiy I took two needlework GCSEs. Emergency repairs full steam ahead!
And a ton of other stuff that I don’t even have the energy to write about.
The good:
Getting drunk with my best friend is better than any therapy I’ve ever come across. Especially when it involves peanuts and stopping at hers to play with her kittens. Not together though. The kittens prefer playing with JD bottle tops.
Taking awesome photos with the winter light.
The library has re-opened.
Possibilities that are there even though I’m in the metaphorical place of being super hungover and clutching my pillows to my eyes and wondering ‘why me?’ before consuming a vast quantity of coffee.
And other stuff that my tired wine soaked brain has filed for tomorrow.
Jumping right in!
The Good: Possibly-probably finding a spot for the Cat House just as I was thinking I would never find the place to run my biz.
Coming up with a really cute and just-a-little-sassy logo for the biz without even thinking too much about it.
Getting a contractor friend to agree to wear the logo on a shirt. Big win there.
The *possibility* that the worst of the hard is, at long last, over and that now I can look forward to the arrival of more good. Can I stand for that? Yes I can!
I want to dance, sing, and play and celebrate. I am truly ready to go on this venture. So is Louie.
Finding out (after repeatedly bugging the state) that I can revive an old LLC and run it as a DBA for short money and (hopefully) only a short scolding during administrative review. So not nearly as bad as I had feared.
The Hard:
Having to sell my beloved Elvira and some other treasured possessions to make the building purchase happen. Already got a low offer on Elvira. I’m holding out for more $. The rest of the possessions I haven’t heard anything back on yet.
Negotiating back and forth with the building’s current owner. I hate haggling. But I know it has to be done.
the hard…just more of the same. don’t really like to recall the hard. it’s just there.
the good…
listening to the Dissolve-o-matic sessions on my iPod at work.
finding the perfect home for root chakra necklace I had made.
resigning a class I was no longer excited to teach; having that process go gracefully, enjoying the new space that opens up as a result.
Sad trombone is the best thing ever. I just clicked it a bunch of times really fast so that the noises played on top of each other and it made me so happy I fell off my chair. So thanks for introducing me to *that*!
And hand-on-heart sigh for all the hard.
My Own Hard:
– HSP overload this week. Too much noise, too my light, too many people… Even when I’m really enjoying things.
– Huge giant earth-shattering revelation of amazingness…which, predictably, has all my monsters up in arms about *everything*. It’s scary when things go so well.
– People not getting back to me about studio spaces, and me worrying about getting one in time, and oh-my-gosh-why-do-i-even-want-to-teach-anyway monsters.
– Where did my force field go? It’s much much harder without one.
– Neck pain. Constant constant neck pain.
– Period! What are you doing? Stop sending mixed signals and just arrive early or wait until next week when you’re really supposed to come. I don’t really want two weeks of PMS, thanks.
The Good:
– Me from the end of next year sent me a care package with everything I need and it was SO exactly what I need!
– Andrea talked about being a bear and how it’s magic and that was the clue for understanding all of this last year.
– The Mad Castle has been hosting beautiful experiments.
– We went to the best sushi place. And then we went there again. And the salmon nigiri is so good it makes me cry. It’s like the *essence* of nuturing. Which me-from-the-future says I need. So she’s prescribed more.
– I sent all my fellow Crossing-the-Liners back in time to me at the beginning of last year to offer her hope and support and love, and then I realized that they *had* been there in spirit helping me through this whole last year and then I cried for a long time because it was just too much happiness.
– The giant revelation! That thing I’ve been wanting with so much struggle and pain for so long is just…ready. Now is the time. And it feels super good.
Holy… wow. Were the trombones really 100 chickens ago? Seems like just yesterday.
This week’s hard:
– Planned shopping day off was not nearly as magical as it was last year. Not sure if my expectations were out of whack or the stars just weren’t aligned or what, but I had a hard time enjoying it and letting it be a leisurely day of fun.
– Unavoidable urgent stuff has come up every. single. morning. this week, which has prevented me from getting to the gym. The gym helps keep my head on straight. Two steps forward, one step back.
– I’m getting better at not getting pulled into Other People’s Drama, but this week it was really, really hard and I dipped a toe into shark-infested waters before I thought better of it.
This week’s good:
– Fabulous trunk show last night. Did better in my two hours there than at the last big all-day show I did. And there was wine and good food and lovely people to boot. Plus, Last Minute Market tomorrow, which is always fantastic.
– Good flow with the things that had to get done this week. Managed to get it all done without scrambling my brain.
– Interesting ideas percolating in the back of my head. Managed to avoid my usual pattern of trying to execute a whole new concept two days before a major show. I’ll save this new thing for sometime in January.
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
Hard:
-Missed yoga class on Sunday… which made me feel all protectively-worried about my gwish to Do Yoga. Not to mention sad to not have the yoga glow that afternoon!
-Ignored my own advice/knowledge about vending on Saturday, and didn’t have enough food or water, which made low-ish sales even more disheartening.
-I have this weird tightness in my throat, maybe an oncoming cold or just some odd kind of tension thing (thinking about it seems to make it worse, but it’s hard to ignore!)
-Money/health insurance annoyance that brings up all my Stuff surrounding paperwork and money and health.
-Was without smartphone for a while and felt at loose ends, like a cyborg missing her memory chip.
-Work stuff… got caught off-guard and felt incompetent about it.
Good:
-Was able to be almost as productive as I hoped at work this week.
-Had some good thoughts on allowing My Artistic Expression be a different project from Selling Things.
-Cookies in the mail from my mom! A yoga DVD in the mail! Little packages of awesomeness are the best 🙂
-I caught myself getting stuck in a really common pattern, where I had a Fun Thing and a Chore to do that evening, and guilt/indecision was preventing me from doing either. I talked to myself about it, then got up and did them both. That was pretty awesome.
-Playing with tools in the basement studio, and more on the way as a Christmas present. I’m going to set things on fire and then make them shiny! 😀
-Lots of gaming this week. Hard on my schedule/sleep patterns, but great to see friends and have fun shooting fictional zombies (I wonder how many other D&D players read this blog?)
What is it with the hard this week. Bleh. But also hugs all around (for those who want them, of course).
The Hard:
-a really rough week at work. a crummy desk schedule. an insanely boring meeting without purpose. major irritation with various coworkers. a cranky customer who wanted something I couldn’t give and threw shoes.
-the beloved husband was away last weekend and it was lonely.
-getting all set to cook foods and discovering that I had forgotten necessary ingredients at the grocery store.
-eating too much and getting a belly ache
-a general ennui
The Good:
-my birthday, which wasn’t spectacular, but was nonetheless my birthday, and therefore a good. Plus there was a really good chocolate cake.
-also a generous gift from my mother-in-law is allowing us to go out to our favorite restaurant for a nice birthday dinner this weekend, so yay for that.
-lts of little things that are pretty much always there, but are still worth noting: a loving husband – now home safe and sound, an adorable and affectionate cat, breakfast tacos, a lovely morning spent immersed in water and steam, a comfy home that is mine
Have a a good weekend everyone!
This week:
Hard:
Waiting to get paid from my gallery show six weeks ago. Pushing a lot of “why bother” monster buttons.
The house is still messed up from the new tv arrangements.
Leaky dog.
Good:
Drawing every day. So. much. fun.
Orange maple chocolate chip cookies. Made by me. 🙂
It was nice enough to hit the bike path on Wednesday.
New tv. Because we could. After the past almost five years, it is so nice to have a job in the family.
Sleeping in. Because school is out for three weeks. Yay!
Double cheese grilled cheese.
Pajama day on Wednesday. Before we hit the bike path.
Pajama day coming up on Sunday. 😀
Oh. Much love. MUCH love. <3 xxxxx
The hard stuff
“The unexamined life is a lot less work.”
Seeing my stuff in the face of everyone who came to ask me any seemingly innocent question. My annoyance became a contagion.
Wondering if this unusual, constant near-crying is a sign of a breakdown. Hopelessness.
The good stuff
Noticing that I actually break down (ha ha) way too many things into good and bad. I’ve heard others use useful alternative words. I’m glad I caught myself in this duality-making before the habit infected them.
Having two people tell me I’m analytical. This is a big part of my job, in which I have been feeling very incompetent. So, now I know what natural strengths to emphasize to feel a little competent again, right?
This opportunity of this forum, because my journal is being held hostage by a “you don’t want to know” monster.
Tried kundalini yoga to coordinate my hemispheres.
Ease in some moments. Maybe because I said “I want ease” out loud (with only a little puritanical hedging about wanting strength to handle what is not easy.)
Chicken!
To Havi and everyone — sending love and support for the hard, in whatever form you need it.
And yay for the good!
I’m going to silent retreat on my stuff; it was a good week, good things are happening. There was hard, but it’s had enough attention and energy, and I’m going to give some love to the good things in my life.
the good
today i remembered to ask if the icky feelings i was having were actually mine. i thought they were but they actually weren’t. what a relief.
@Kathleen: Clooney! (no words, just grinning)
@Andi: Yikes and commiserations. Cleaning up after leaky dogs (and cleaning said dogs, for that matter) is so much not fun.
Hard:
* embarrassing/painful body schtuffs
* emotional baggage impersonating a ton of bricks
** and more than once
* wanted to be done with Project A by Wednesday, and wasn’t
** which meant not getting to Projects B, C, and D
* a difficult and unwelcome task just became even more complicated and thorny. Oyyyyyyyy.
* why can’t people take the hint and when they ask where I’m from, and I answer “Texas,” realize that IT IS NOT COOL to then ask where I am “really” from? Grrrr.
** and the deeper-rooted tangle of hard, which is that I find it challenging enough to be social without implicit demands to discuss my experience and identity as an Asian American.
* I miss our former mail carrier. Some of his replacements have been notably incompetent or unhelpful, and the resulting hassles make me go wahhh.
Good
* turned in Project A earlier this afternoon
* I’m more patient than I was a year ago. And better about just letting the wretched baggage stay wherever it landed instead of feeling like I have to wrestle it into submission immediately or clean it all up right away.
* friendly clerk at the downtown post office
* plenty of ideas for making progress on Projects B and C
* feeling able to prioritize sleep and rest above work
** which means my lungs are recovering faster, with less medication
* a lovely comment on a story I wrote four years ago
* even with all the must-dos, want-to-dos, and how-will-I-dos crowding me (not to mention the wish-had-dones and wish-I-weres), I go to sleep happy and wake up happy. Bedtime and daybreak have become emotionally spacious for me (at least in this deadlines-not-close-enough-to-screw-with-sleep stretch of time).
Wishing all y’all help with the hard stuff and more helpings of the good.
Hard – hard – hard
– meetings with supervisor getting postponed. also more shoes getting thrown when the meeting happened. i didn’t need that. i needed help and some perspective and it doesn’t seem possible.
– wanting not to be here so badly. and not seeing the way out.
– the cold. the rain. the dark. and zero sunshine
– colleagues and triggering stuff. one mean mean comment that brought up all my stuff.
– mis-booking and administrative mis-communication and not knowing what i want. it was all related to surviving the week and it was all hard
*** The Good ***
– finding a place to stay that is comfortable and affordable
– skype-calling my little sis
– taking care of Iguana’s.
Chicken!
The Hard:
Insecurity being channeled into body hatred: hair bad, face blotchy, cold sore gross, flesh lumpy.
I left a party without saying good bye to my friends last night and then they were sad. But my feet hurt.
All of my friends are happy, partnered or thin or all three.
I am alone.
Work difficulties with office mate and shared assistant. I was waving spreadsheets and yelling. Not good.
The Good:
Cheese for breakfast.
The party was very fun. But my feet hurt.
Up early for yoga today with so many new people in class and my heart was glad.
Much less money stress this December.
Yoga bolster and Kathryn Budig DVD just arrived in the mail today. Yum.
Having friends is good, even though it takes more emotional energy than being alone.
I’m going to shower and wash my hair and maybe I will look better. And feel better.
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– last-week-of-the-semester busyness
– not attending any yoga classes for 10 days
– husband out of town for 4 days
The Good:
– feeling more centered and grounded than usual during the last week of the semester
– wrapping up a good semester of teaching with a bottle of champagne
– my hair has finally grown out
ooooh chickentime. Before I dive in, just want to send all-mrrs-an-sympathies to those having extra-hards this past week.
Roller-coaster week!!
The Hard:
– Yet again, lots of demands on my time and attention from work and elsewhere.
– Job drama spilling over into my stuff.
– Ouch back ouch hips ouch ouch.
– Discovering truly unpleasant things about former boss.
– Unclean and allergic-reaction-spawning bed due to cats new to the space.
– Having exactly no money in the bank nor elsewhere for 4 days this week.
– Eep-ly painful ingrown toenail.
– Managed to grate a nasty divot of thumb-skin into a salad. Eeeuuuw.
– Apartment space full of boxes, bags, and things that fall and go crash bang.
– Killed two plants due to attention being elsewhere.
The Good:
* Lovelyman is here! And it’s SO SO MUCH better than I expected.
* The job drama resolved at exactly the right time.
* The cats and the dog are acclimating to shared space vastly faster than the two of us expected.
* Back and toenail pain has been solve-able and fleeting. Blooms! Conversions!!
* Dinner at Blue Hill Stone Barns *swoooon* *drooool* *peanut-butter-texture-caramel*
* Job gifties.
* My first paycheck for the new job.
* Being able to discard everything related to old boss.
* Happy dog and happy cats.
* Found some quiet space inside a day of zooooom.
Now on to VPAs!
The week began with THE BEST WEEKEND EVER, and despite some Hard Stuff, nothing could really shake me from my joy from that.
Hard Stuff…
+getting up extra early in order to have The Best Weekend Ever, a reasonable sacrifice, but still hard!
+being on my bum foot/ankle a lot, also in order to make The Best Weekend Ever possible, a slightly less justifiable sacrifice, but all around no regrets!
+I procrastinated/am still procrastinating completing a task for a client. I checked in with the client and she was very understanding, and really I’ll do a much better job if I put it off till I really feel ready to take it on, but I still feel badly about how much time has elapsed
+not making as much time for Shiva Nata as I would have liked
+family drama and related holiday alienation
+having a cold, yuck!
+having to cancel plans with new friends due to said cold
+still struggling with [problematic coping mechanism]
Good Stuff…
+singing at a benefit concert with my a cappella group on Saturday morning!!!!
+going to my friends’ concert on Saturday evening!!!
+baking a ton of oatmeal fudge cookies on Sunday morning!!!
+all day in the recording studio with my a cappella group on Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!
+having the courage to [Reach Out And Touch The Dials]
+telling friends and family about The Best Weekend Ever over and over again so I could relive it repeatedly
+finishing Mom’s scarf!
+learning to make puppets!
+knitting R’s scarf!
+practicing the guitar Every Day (to infinity!!)
+maple pumpkin coconut dal!
+getting my keyboard to work!
+gaining clarity about The Calling
+LOTS of good writing/journaling
And my Fake Band this week is: The Knitting Noodles!
Hoping this does not count as advices, because it just made me giggle to think of it.
I love that you are the Pirate Queen and that the First Mate is the First Mate and I was thinking: perhaps instead of employees, “mateys”?
Because then you could call them “me mateys” at every pirate council. Which would make even Very Serious Matters a lot funnier. “The Playground was beset by a plague of locusts . . . me mateys.”
And coming in to Chicken:
The Hard
* People who do not deserve to be treated badly are being treated badly, and it makes me doubt that people really want to be decent, and I very badly want to believe that.
* I was not-nice to someone about a policy change that triggered the thing about decency, and because it triggered the other stuff I was disproportionately not-nice. She didn’t make the change and she couldn’t fix it, and she couldn’t even apologize because it’s her job to act like her boss’ decision was a perfectly reasonable one. I knew this and was still not-nice to her because I was so hurt I didn’t stop to think about her hurt. I apologized, but it doesn’t feel better.
* My man-friend is going through a lot of hard and I can’t help him, and I can’t try to help him, because helping him is not helpful to him. I want the hard to stop for him and it won’t for several more weeks at least. Having trouble sitting with that. It’s not okay.
* My two dearest friends are having relationship troubles, and I cannot help them either. One is going to be very hard, and I am afraid, and so is she, and there is nothing we can do.
* At my usual game-night, someone was annoying me. I was frustrated with her and didn’t like myself for being frustrated with her. It ruined my usual night that is just for fun. And I needed fun. I needed distraction.
* Money issues. Unexpectedly. Clients suddenly being difficult to track down or beset with difficulty. New clients putting things off until the New Year, which is fine usually, but badly timed right now.
The Good:
* Lovely weekend with the man-friend. Learned to ski. Introduced him to the BBC’s delightful modern-day rendition of Sherlock Holmes. Ate leftovers. Listened to a musician-collaboration of the best sort in a beautiful house filled with tin boxes. Brief respite from the hard.
* Kind letters from old friends.
* Wedding invitation. In telegraph form. Hilarious.
* My clients behaving exactly as people should. Even though their needs inconvenience me right this moment, they are considerate about letting me know and compassionate about the difficulties they are putting me through, and careful of my feelings. And I am grateful for that, because it makes me think the decency is inherent, after all, and if not everyone’s world is full of it right now, at least mine is.
* Beautiful tributes to Christopher Hitchens, who died this week. Strange that this falls in the good, but his death made me glad to be a writer all over again, and resolved to be as good and as prolific of one as he was. Good to be reminded that one’s heroes remain heroes even when death comes for them.
* Learning something new. Exciting. Challenging. Not scary, for once.
* Perfect lunch with sympathetic friend. She was there for me, I was there for her, and our stories helped one another with our respective shit. One of those times where no one has to be the one giving and no one has to be the one taking. I needed that.
My chicken for the week:
The Hard
Farewell to Awesome!Boss…
Boss’ last week, I’ll be sad to lose him. It’s been a pleasure and an opportunity to really develop and benefit from great leadership.
Work…
Still with the data cleansing. And so it goes, necessary and important but oh so tedious. I care about it, but am hideously unsuited for the task. need to just persist. I have books, the internet and music to get me through.
Fail at shopping…
Braved retail hell to do christmas shopping. Intended to employ something of the ‘if i see something perfect’ for amongst a bunch of people I’d get it/them. But nothing really stood out, by the end even when something did it wasn’t enough to have me commit to buying. This is only unpleasant because i wanted to do something gifty for loved ones and I wasn’t really intent or organised early enough. Maybe I’ll have a better approach for next year… (suggestions welcome). Mostly I run into the means versus the number of people I’m close to issue, and I don’t want to have anyone feel left out or unloved.
Pain…
Radiating through my low lower back and hips and my feet. Thanks to Saturday’s shopping. Still in pain today, likelihood of getting a massage before NY really low…
Anxiety attack…
Yesterday I had an unexpected anxiety attack thanks to an unexpected contact via a FB event from my highschool past. Person was second ever bf, first person I slept with and while it wasn’t horrible or abusive, it was definitely a product of all the surrounding culture and there was a lot about it that I was really uncomfortable with but didn’t know how to negotiate properly, particularly since I quite desperately wanted to be hugged and to feel visible/special to *someone*.
Contact was innocuous enough, but it isn’t really a good memory for me. It provoked a whole lot of other Feelings about that time of my life and the people and the tormenting. Plenty of those of you on my flist will find this familiar (and some of you won’t which is awesome!) But I hope that you will have found that there was still someone more hated, more ridiculed and less cool/welcome than you were. But in my case… I was that person. So yes, feeling ALL THE FEELINGS here.
Plus, it was entirely unexpected, happened via a FB event page where I think they recognised me by my photo. I don’t use identifying details that anyone from before I met K would recognise me from, and don’t have any historical schools/hometown etc listed, specifically because I’m uninterested in these kind of contacts. Australia being a smaller place than usual was a bit hard hitting. I’m not interested in inviting them back into my life at all. Which means I am also trying to reassure self that by not answering or adding them that I’m not a terrible, unkind or grudge-holding person. Moderate success here.
Also, just affronted I guess that even with logic brain being perfectly aware that there was nothing to be upset over and nothing to fear, that then is not now and me-from-then is not me-from-now, that the anxiety still hit me as hard as it did. I find that the most difficult… when whatever has triggered me isn’t actually a real threat, but a reliving of the past.
Conversation that was almost and yet wasn’t…
Nicely cryptic? There was a conversation from someone I care about and it was enjoyable until it wasn’t and instead of feeling appreciated and valued and part of their world I was left with the opposite. Two words alone cannot convey value and wantedness. Fell asleep feeling a bit unvalued in romantic spaces and wishing for more reaching out to me just for because. It only relates to this conversation and I know that, but I am often the person initiating contact and connection and sometimes conversations like this throw me out of my general contentment with that. (I may initiate often, but the genuine mutual quality and care and connection is always abundant coming back to me).
Feeling wretched and fragile…
Thanks to pain, tiredness, sadness and what I’m going to call an anxiety hangover. Just feeling like today is a bit of a struggle and with uninteresting work to fill the hours it’s not exactly a pick-me-up. Sleep will fix this I am sure and I have been kind to myself, giant amnesty on productivity intending only to get done what I get done and nothing more. This has helped.
Oh with the growing pains. I swear I’ll be seven feet tall (metaphorically gianthood like speaking) by the time I’m through this growing phase.
The Good
Social…
So much social this week! Work socialising and friends! In dot points:
– lunch with a dear friend I haven’t caught up with in ages
– boss’ leaving lunch
– dinner/drinks with boss and colleague
– drinks/cheese with friends and lovely chats!
– work christmas lunch
– friday night gathering, I’ve been busy the past couple of week so it was wonderful to immerse myself in the company and cuddles 🙂
– new friend met Saturday night with Cam’s friend I coming over. Really enjoyable dinner, hoping that he’ll join us again 🙂
– breakfast with @flyingblogspot (merits its own spot in amongst ‘The Good’ of the week
– Dark Nouveau birthday event, lots of lovely people dressed up in steampunk, lovely conversations particularly with ChrisC.
Work…
Boss continues to be supportive through the woe of data cleansing. Also, today I finished the first spreadsheet! Yay me!! Boss’ spreadsheet awaits, will be split between those of us left but I’ll end up with the lion’s share of it. Am writing this between going onto that because I can’t quite face it yet, but overall feeling accomplished.
Phonecall…
From one of my lovers entirely unexpectedly wishing me well for the Christmas holiday period. Welcome and appreciated, lovely to catch up with them. Hoping to see them and family sometime in the New Year.
Breakfast with @flyingblogspot…
Because she rocks like whoa and I looooooovvvveeeee hanging out with her. We shared breakfast of awesome at Imp (new menu!) that included dishes like waffles with passionfruit curd and lavender syrup and, peppered ricotta with strawberries and honeycomb. Dessert for breakfast options totally for the win! Lots of sharing, validating and supportive discussions, also shared squee and gentle planning for stuffs. I love mornings like this!
Cuddles and comfort from @HelgatheVikingQueen…
Following anxiety, @HelgatheVikingQueen and @Justadecoy picked me up and there were cuddles and conversation on the route to the Dark Nouveau gathering. It meant a lot and made a huge difference to my finding the equilibrium to be social in the wake of anxiety ick.
Random moments of romance from K…
Conversations checking in that we still planned to grow old together, randomly being pulled into dancing while I was cooking dinner to the sound of christmas carols. Having multiple opportunities to just appreciate and wallow in the loveliness of our relationship and fall in love all over again. Also, we’re determined to celebrate our 14th anniversary in the year of its occurrence (2011), so we’re currently aiming for a hotel hibernation on the 26-27th 🙂
Christmas plans…
This year we’re celebrating with Cam’s family and the banter on email about the menu and who is bringing what has been lovely 🙂 It’s nice to be included and know that we’re all of us welcome 🙂 Makes me hope that someday we’ll have a family christmas with my family and that they’ll be similarly awesome as Cam’s family have been.
Message of loveliness…
From @azhure, the kind of message that left me smiling and feeling inspired and almost like we were sharing tea and creativity with one another.
That’s the review for this week gone. Putting to rest the low points and the hard things, appreciating again the good things and taking those positive desires forward with the lessons for the week(s) ahead.
My chicken can be found here:
http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/834552.html
It’s a bit long for a comment 🙂
Well wishes to all for the hard and the good. Kisses and happy flailing to Havi for all the amazing things starting to happen! So excited and pleased!