In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
I am away on my exiting adventure, and most of the hard and good in my week has to do with that.
So let’s see. The first Chicken of two thousand and twelve.
How are we doing so far?
The hard stuff
Sleep stuff as yet unresolved.
Last night was the first night in nearly two weeks that I made it through the night.
It’s been a tired, cranky, foggy time.
And made worse by the fact that normally I know what to do about foggy.
But when I’m tired, and I assume that the fog is a tired-fog, then I forget to do the normal defogging things.
Not explaining that very well. Anyway, exhausted and foggy. That was most of this week, and it sucked.
Fireworks on new year’s eve.
I am not very good at explosions, and I wasn’t expecting to be woken up by a thousand of them (and accompanying drunken screeching) on new year’s.
Between that and the fact that I hadn’t been sleeping well anyway, we had a nice little round of PTSD to work through.
Setting boundaries.
One of the many useful, true and eternally frustrating things that I have learned from being consciously alive is this:
Intentionally setting strong, healthy boundaries is the most compassionate and important thing that you can do. And not just for you, but for everyone in your world.
However, rigorous scientific study by me has shown that most people don’t like it when you do it.
Even when it’s best for them and for the greater good and for everyone involved.
So that can be uncomfortable and not fun, which makes it kind of unappealing. Except that if you don’t do it, then everything gets even worse.
Waiting.
Ball in other court.
Drum fingernails and try not to go into monster-ey worst case scenarios.
Patience and trust are qualities I’m still learning to get closer to.
Running out of whatever I seem to want in that moment.
Cheese emergency! Glue stick emergency! Licorice tea emergency!
This was a reflection of some of the other stuff I was going through, and it was interesting to observe. Or would have been if I hadn’t already been so wrecked from not sleeping.
Got some good epiphanies after the fact, but while it was happening I was looking at all the wrong patterns.
Stupid horrible new year’s day.
So yes, I was in PTSD mode, and in my stuff. But aaaaaaaaggggghh.
Paper cut of doom on the side of my hand (that kept splitting open and hurting all week). Banged head on a door. Everything falling apart and falling apart and falling apart some more.
How many times can I fall apart in one week?
More than you’d think.
All of this exit and identify shifting and thresholds is hard work, you guys.
Giant pain over a misunderstanding.
Ow ow ow ow.
The good stuff
I’m OUT OF THE OFFICE, ohmygod ohmygod it finally happened.
For the first time since forever, I am not around.
And being not around is the best.
The best!
Recovery is a pain, but at least having time and space to be with it is helpful.
I’m at Svevo’s.
My uncle Svevo is my favorite person in the world, and going to visit him in the woods is the best way for me to escape.
There is nothing but trees and trees and trees.
It is marvelous. I needed this.
Oh, the Almanac.
I have been learning all sorts of things about my relationship with January, for the Almanac.
And one thing I learned is that I often have sleep issues in January.
So having all this information about what not to do (and what is just cyclical stuff) made me feel better.
New Year’s Eve was exactly what I wanted.
My partner in crime and I spent pretty much the entire day of the 31st at the Playground, doing Reflectings and planting qualities.
Then the gentleman and I went out to a bar for happy hour and pizza and more gwish-plantings.
Then we all did our little rituals together and then early to bed.
Company.
My partner-in-crime was of great help while I was falling apart, and then we were able to take turns.
Knowing what I want.
That helps.
Trying on shoes for the Director.
I didn’t find the shoes I wanted, but at least now I know that the Director (aka incoming me) has really strong opinions about what she likes.
That was a lovely and enormously reassuring thing to discover.
Dragon wings!
I don’t have a picture yet, sadly. But Liz — a delightful person I met at Rally (Rally!), knitted me a pair of HOT PINK dragon wings.
They arrived on one of those days when I had forgotten why I do what I do, and then I remembered.
Nests.
I have been learning all sorts of things about nests, and this is a proxy but it is also not a proxy.
And this has been very useful.
Yesterday I learned that sometimes a nest is already there, and all you have to do is make a little opening so that you can enter it.
From the archives.
Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:
- The one about dealing with loss, and how it is normal and okay to grieve the loss of something that you don’t even want.
- Ten times why.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is a techno group with salsa influences.
European Spy Dust
They kind of remind me of Pink Floyd, though I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the laser light shows and the floating pigs.
But yes, it turns out that it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- The calendars are sold out, so if you need a fix of adorable with your destuckification, the monster coloring book is your best bet. Plus it’s required material for the Floating Playground.
- We are now half full for Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage (password: haulaway). And I still haven’t announced it. Or put up the amazing stories of what happened to everyone who came last time.
- Rally (Rally!) — a bunch more Rallies sold out so there are only four Rallies that you can apply for: March, June, July and September.
I think that’s everything. If not, I’ll add to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
We let people have their own experience, which means that we’re supportive and kind, and we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
This is me, whispering the quietest chicken ever:
Hardyesterday
Goodsleep
And a whispered hallooooooo to the passing ships and friends and nests!
Hard:
** Roommate issues
** Friend misunderstanding
** Dog-sitting + my own dog = bedlam! Oh, the noise! The posturing! The snarling and play barking! Make it stop!
Good:
** Home alone all weekend, can’t wait to recharge and just … be
** Social plans that I have control over, rather than being the one just along for the ride
PS: I love the section about setting boundaries. So true, so necessary, so hard sometimes.
The hard:
Hormones (mine and those of others). And, related to that, confusing, consuming roller coasters of emotions. A wintery tired that doesn’t want to end. Feeling like my needs are insatiable and unreasonable. Trying to “plan” a “wedding” GAH.
The good:
Getting some alone time, with more to come! Was able to schedule a full day of working at home next week, when I will be hibernating like mad. Feeling connection with lots of people. Good hugs. My bed, and my comforter. Hot water with apple cider vinegar. Swiss chard num num num. Generous supporters. Met a really sweet person. Enjoyed the last of the twinkly holiday lights dotting Manhattan.
A very happy and cozy weekend to everybody.
The hard:
coming back to work, sorting through piles of ickyness
sleep isn’t happening, meh.
The good:
Figuring new routines for work – force fields and boundarys!
Getting to the ends of the piles.
And off to adventure with a dear friend.
Wonderful weekends to all!
Happy weekend to everyone!
The hard: A bit unfocused, a bit pressure-y on myself to DO THE STUFF!
The good: Vastly outweighed the hard yay!
–Lots of writing and New Years but not taking it too-too seriously…
–Noticing yet again that one REALLY GOOD epiphany makes the week feel worth it, completely. All the time for self-care and shiva nata and rest = worth it! Remembering is hard.
–Teaching yoga. I LURVES it. Why, when teaching makes me alive and funny and satisfied, am I having a hard time putting myself out there for it?
–All the good things to be grateful for… thanks!
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– having to come out of vacation mode to do things like answer work emails and schedule meetings
– weather changes that I feel in my knee and give my husband headaches
– being bummed that I didn’t get as much done over break as I wanted
The Good:
– progress on many projects
– beautiful weather for taking afternoon walks to get coffee
– ringing in the new year with a quiet evening at home drinking champagne, watching Dr. Who with my husband, and going to bed at a reasonable hour
Yay the first chicken of 2012!
The hard:
Still not back to normal energy/wellness. So hard and frustrating. Having to cancel much looked forward to plans and not doing so much that I want to.
And knowing going to the dr would probably be a good idea, but the dread! So much pain from then, more or less rampaging through now.
Tired wasn’t helped by barely sleeping on Monday night because of the wind.
Stressful stuff to do with work.
The pain of a painful situation not really being helped by the knowledge that I said yes to it against all better instincts.
Transitions are hard. For me. For the people I love.
Following some radical insights into patterns, feeling compassion for someone I’ve never felt compassions for before and not feeling like it’s altogether safe.
Not having energy to investigate a lot of patterns that I’m noticing are patterns.
The good:
Had a really fantastic weekend – very quiet and hermity and creative.
I am slowly feeling better.
Holy cow, realising that some many things that I thought were just the way things are, are in fact patterns – sometimes not even my own patterns but stuff I’ve absorbed from other people. They are not the only way to experience the world!
Very exciting plans.
Resting.
Went waissailing last night – so much fun!
Not hating myself for being in the situation I am in.
Body gradually becoming more flexible and less achey.
I booked a massage!
Hello, 2012! Hello, Chickeneers!
This week’s hard:
– Other people’s plans changing = schedule scramble for me. Feeling crunchy after the shuffling, even though there are still the same things to do in the same space of time, just not in the order I originally planned.
– Manini things I’ve been postponing over and over and over again have turned into a thing like that giant floating island of discarded plastic in the Pacific Ocean and are weighing on my brain.
This week’s good:
– Birthday Week! Cake!
– Delicious meals with family and friends all week long.
– Interesting work possibility on the horizon.
– Settled on my 2012 word: explore.
– Rocking the brainstorming.
Happy Friday!
Man Havi, sounds like you had quite a week. I’m glad that you’re on vacation.
OMG Kylie, good luck with the planning of the wedding. It is very hard. In retrospect, I personally would almost rather have eloped. In my case there was so much drama and so many shoes thrown from trusted family members. Anyway, I’m sending good thoughts your way and hope that things go well for you.
The Hard:
– Still with the sick and too sick to do fun things that I would like to do because of coughing fits.
– I don’t have the fogginess that Havi does, but I can’t seem to focus. It’s very disconcerting, I’m talking to someone and then I just zone out. I’m not thinking about anything else, but I need to ask for things to be repeated. I’m not sure what is causing this. Maybe meditation would help? This should go into my book of me. I feel very bad. Maybe this is a sick thing?
The Good:
– As of yesterday I have a completed first draft of my novel. Of course, at 37,000 words it’s more of a novella, but I’m very light on the description and stuff, but I think that the re-write may lengthen it a bit because of that and that I need to weave in a bit more of my MC’s growth process leading up to the resolution of the novel.
– Free time! OMG I’ve been stressing the college apps for so long I almost don’t remember what it’s like to have time to write and draw.
– books! glorious books! and time to read. And they are on the kindle so they are easy to carry around with me. Yay technology!
– Seriously I just re-read the Giver by Lois Lowry… of course now I feel ambiguous about the ending because I’m not sure what happens. When I read it as a child I thought it ended one way, now I think it is a much sadder book than I thought.
– Baby steps totally work. Just do one thing! Thans Havi 🙂
This week:
Hard:
I got a really bad case of The Januarys on Sunday. We haven’t had a normal “back to school/back to work” shtick in five years (for the work) or almost ever (for the school, because we homeschooled). It wasn’t even post holiday letdown, since we didn’t really have celebrations this year, just kind of mellows. I was surprised at how hard it hit.
Our dear doggie is getting worse with the walking. She’s also seesawing between not eating and eating. I don’t know at what point you decide she’s gone through enough. She seems comfortable, except when she gets stuck on the slippery kitchen floor.
My friend with ALS died early Wednesday morning. I probably won’t be able to make the funeral. Even when you know it’s coming, it’s still a shock. She remained positive and hopeful until the end.
Good:
Silly girly stuff like my order from Sephora arriving. I really love my new eyeshadow and what’s not to like about eyeliner named Starfish?
The art tables have been installed in the studio and I’m actually beginning to use them.
I sold a piece yesterday!
Finding out we’re getting an Ulta store at the mall 45 minutes from here (yes, still girly).
The sun came out and it’s going to be in the 50s today. So happy for that.
Have a good weekend, y’all.
European Spy Dust! I like it. I can just hear David Bowie singing it to the tune of Boris The Spider: European Spy Dust…
Hard:
–Unwanted advice, in an area where I am especially wanting sovereignty and freedom from advices.
–Criticism from people I especially love. Feeling that they weren’t seeing my best self, that my best self was invisible to them, and longing to be seen, dammit, to be acknowledged and given credit. Sigh. Will I ever outgrow the hunger for outside validation? Probably not, not completely. I’ll just get better at recognizing it and interacting with it, and at giving myself what I need.
–Scary sleepy morning commutes. And I’m abstaining from caffeine and sugar for the next couple of weeks or so, which means that (admittedly less-than-healthy) avenue of staying alert is temporarily closed to me.
Good:
–Holy smokes, my sister and her family are planning to move to my neck of the woods! This is huge. I don’t know how soon it will happen, but wow!
–I’m taking two e-courses right now, and getting so much benefit from them.
–Boundaries of courage! Thank you. What a marvelous gift.
–Delicious and comforting hot drinks.
–Daily Shiva Nata! I feel myself moving through some old blocks. Mind you, these are blocks about Shiva Nata. It’s exciting to feel myself breaking new ground — or possibly setting sail into new waters.
All in all, a brave and hopeful week. Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
happy New Year everyone! The good far outwieghs the bad!
the hard:
-exhusband and his exgirlfriend being asshats in front of my kid
-habitual spaces that are emotionally unsafe
-friday morning’s routine kinda sucks. it’s actually harder than the early days. must recreate my Entering into The Weekend rituals
-The Wolverine and not wanting to believ there’s really a wolverine but it looks pretty much like a wolverine
-have you ever tried taking care of a wolverine? man, it sucks
the good:
-not panicking when Havi announced her Excursion, but working the tools more deeply on my own. That felt so awesomely sovereign and committed.
-proxies and metaphors! Treehouse! Snowflakes! plus making more art!
-Sparkle Gifts every day! And lots of wonderful lil gifts from slightly-past me
-like putting White Tara on my desktop at work so that every time I turn it on, i forget and POP! White Tara!
-White Tara!
-flailing and bing! the ways i’m GETTING it now. so many things in bloom with this
-desiring a kitchen table
-it made me sad to stop Chasing the Cat. really got to resenting the Cat. but i did stop and now things are better for me and the Cat.
-continuing with the Artsists way
-choosing art, music, or journaling over the idiot-box. christ, such a horrible habit! thank you to me every time i do that.
“Wrecked from not sleeping”! Boy, do I know about that. You have all my sympathy.
You mentioned normal fog as opposed to tired fogginess. Have you written about normal fogginess? Can someone direct me to those posts? Because there are only a couple of things that help when I’m in that condition, and sometimes the effects don’t last, so I need more possibilities.
Also if anyone has any helpful suggestions — please! I’m soliciting advice!
This week, the Hard:
– MrB’s health issues. Two 911 calls and one ER trip (and as I write, I’m waiting for him to wake up to see if we need a clinic visit today).
– Pain plus. I threw my back out trying to help him get up from the floor.
– Setting some goals for myself, and finding the procedure I was using sucked the fun out of it. I was trying to do something that would help me make these things more likely to happen, instead of staying in the realm of fantasy. Oh, well, information for the Book of Me.
This week, the Good:
+ Information for the Book of Me! Also, having the Book,
+ Beautiful weather. I walked more than twice as far as I usually do.
+ Took action on something important that has been hanging fire for a long time.
+ Some possible travel opportunities that are really exciting.
+ Made inquiries about something potentially helpful related to MrB’s health.
+ Sleeping unusually well all year! (It’s only been six days, but: Enter as you wish to be in it; I wish to sleep well this year. Celebrate what you want more of. I want to sleep well this year, so I celebrate sleeping well.
+ Looking forward to 2012 as a year of EASE (Elementary self care; Acting; Setting things up; and Elegance.
Wishing that for everyone. Cheers, chickeneers!
Hard:
* uncertainty re various thingses
* not functional enough in Mandarin to handle a phone call
* bollixing a dish with one ingredient too many
* health ookiness
Good:
* my plate is more than full. Feeling okay about waiting on (or waiting out) the thingses.
* sunny days
* I’m on the mend
* travel mug of awesomeness from my Secret Santa
* recycling pick-up day finally arrived…
* … and I binned a few more things
* … and my speech for Sunday is already written.
Shabbat shalom and bonne chance, y’all!
The good!
+ Bahahahaha submitting a 3-week notice! Read all ’bout it!
+ Getting super clear on Important Stuff
+ Scheming and strategizing with the spouse-person and shockingly discovering that he’s on my team
+ Too. much. good. food.
+ Geeking out about ethnic cooking instruction videos on youtube with the spouse-person
+ I am being social tonight! With someone I actually really like!
+ I wrote a few posts I’m really fond of!
+ Parmesan cheese.
+ Rallying on Facebook (yeah yeah!)
+ finding this great book called The War of Art which is probably going to change a lot of things I do
+ A couple of super intensely awesome hipgnosis sessions!
The hard!
+ submitting a 3-week notice.
+ dealing with the ensuing monster-fest
+ lethargy in the evening. Blech.
+ dealing with my misanthropy (being okay with it)
+ people I love dealing with really really awful people, TRULY awful fucked up people who hurt other people in really fucked up ways
This week. It happened. It’s January. Beautiful! Let’s keep going.
Hugs on the hard, Havi. 🙁
The Hard:
Not being flexible when routines jump off course. Not having routines in place. Feeling like perhaps I should be doing more, or that I NEED to do more.
The Good:
Going to Rally (RALLY!) in July!!!
Actively using processes & tools instead of stewing — and getting surprising insights and feeling-better-sooner. Being okay with slow. Taking a Year Long Cruise, metaphorically speaking. Discovering my Sovereignty name. (Lady C!)
Glad to see you, chickeneers. 🙂
@VickiB — When I feel foggy, there are two things that have been known to help, in rather different ways:
1. I touch things. Hands spread wide, I run my palms along the surface of the table, the walls, my clothing, my skin. It brings me into the present, and wakes up a younger part of my brain who may have some clues as to what the fog is all about.
2. I pick up a pen. Honestly, there are times when that works as instantly as if someone had adjusted the Focus button on a camera.
Would love to see a pic of the dragon wings!
@Havi, @Kylie, @VickiB, @Andi (and really, everyone), sorry for your hard things, and hurray for the good stuff.
@Kathleen Avins, thanks for the note to VickiB about fog-busters. I’m going to try them!
Hello, Chicken:
This week’s hard–
> An unfortunate glimpse of the scales and its report on the results of the holiday foodfest.
> Very slow return to working on the clutter and the financial files. Noticing how they got worse over same holidays. Ouch.
> It’s winter and sort of warm, and since the garden needs some TLC cleanup, I should be out there working on it. But I only want to stay in my pajamas and read, so I don’t go outside much and then I don’t even notice it until there’s not enough daylight left.
This week’s good–
> An amazing and fruitful mind-and-bodywork session with my physical/CST therapist. Plus she has a new Corgi dog, so cute, who sits in on the therapy sessions.
> For the first time since last summer when I started polishing my nails (and mostly quit biting them), I painted them all the same color! This is so rare, it’s just as exciting as the different-color-for-every-nail approach I’ve been using. Whee, brilliant blazing pink pink pink! (In the middle of winter!)
Not so bad, really.
Happy weekend, chicks.
The Good:
My cat!! I VPA’d for a cat, and tomorrow I get my cat!! Yay!!
My book. A book burst forth from my brain and has been flowing.
Friends who energize me and leave me ready to grow and move and do.
My clients, whom I love. Even when they die.
The Hard:
People keep dying and it’s sad.
Ah, 2012. I sense that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 🙂
Let’s chicken!
The Hard:
-Josh lost his iPhone somewhere on NYE, and there is still no sign of it
-spent rather more money this week than was prudent
-eating and drinking too much
-skipping my work holiday party and feeling somewhat guilty about it, even though I had reasons
-confusion about plans with my cousin and his fiance, and feeling guilty about ensuing awkwardness
-monsters who said I should be accomplishing more with my time off
-realizing that I really need to do something about my knee
The Good:
-a wonderful visit from my brother – playing Trivial Pursuit, watching Firefly on DVD, watching him make friends with Echo the Wondercat, all sorts of goodness
-All kinds of delicious foods
-Trying a restaurant I’ve really been wanting try
-Piano sing-along at an Irish pub
-good time with my cousin and his fiance once we finally got our acts together
-having a certain amount of spaciousness and ease as I move back into a work schedule
-getting back on track with eating and exercise
-good moment of connection (something I’m hoping for more of this year) with a patron at work, realizing we have lots of shared interests
-lots of sleep while on vacation
-more spaciousness – having a day to myself after my brother left, and before I had to go back to work
Hugs all around and cups of chamomile tea for the hard. Confetti and bubble blowing for the good!
Have a great weekend, and a great 2012, y’all!
Hand-on-heart sighs to you, seagirl, and Andi. People dying is very sad.
The Hard:
– Sleep troubles. Or rather inability-to-get-out-of-bed troubles. Completely at a loss as to what I can do to help myself through this, because it seems to be this strange inexplicable, alien phenomenon, rather than a sign or a symptom of anything else, even though I know it is.
– My regular therapy time has to be moved, because of an up-in-the-air school schedule. This makes me feel very off-balance and slightly angry.
– The seminar I will be sitting in on is all up-in-the-air. More off-balance-ness. Off-balance-ness that is already there because of the leaving home etc. Not having a concrete school routine is hard. Very, very hard.
– I am behind on all my readings. No, this isn’t monster-talk. I have at least a semester’s worth of stuff to catch up on for one course, and a half semester’s worth for another.
– Someone I did not know I counted on so much has been out of town. Perhaps this would not affect me if everything was okay, but the off-balance-ness makes his absence a bit difficult to bear.
– Monsters talking very loudly when I attempt to work on a proposal for a research award.
– I keep wanting to buy stuff or make stuff for my sister. I wonder if this is a viable way of working through all the stuck surrounding her and family. So far it has just been incredibly painful.
– Lots of pain, confusion and torn-ness coming up while meditating.
– All the “happy new year!” stuff. Feeling as though I’m failing to live up to a happiness mandate. Or that only particular kinds of happiness are allowed/recognized at this time of year and my kind is not one of them.
– Being asked to sit in on an undergraduate committee – monsters going to town on the possibility of me making an ass of myself.
The Good:
– I got to see my friends after about 2 weeks of vacation. This felt good.
– I made cookies. I have discovered stuff through the baking of cookies. The prospect of baking cookies has gotten me out of bed once this week.
– Figured out what course to drop if the seminar credit comes through, and very glad I have the option to drop it.
– Discovered some very good guided meditation recordings.
– My best friend is well! Yay! We have made plans to possibly meet in the summer.
– Being asked to sit in on an undergraduate committee! And work with awesome professors and actually possibly make meaningful change!
I like this chickening thing. I like it quite a bit.
Sighs for everyone’s hard. And thanks for sharing it – it helps me feel more normal. Or whatever the good essence of normal is. 🙂
The Hard:
– Fighting with an old friend
– Saying goodbye to the part of my life that felt at home with my parents.
– Behind on everything. And needing desperately to take a break. And not taking it, and very predictably getting sick. Incidentally, further behind.
– Being sick. Fever making me super sensitive to everything so that I can’t sleep because the sheets bother me.
– A shoe thrown at me. And about three giant things coming up from that, which of course have nothing to do with the shoe itself (which was clearly lobbed my way with love, even if it hit me in the stomach pretty hard). I just realized I’ve changed this whole part of me I didn’t know I’d changed, and I’m scared about what this means going forward.
– Save the dates went out this week, and I am noticing all my discomfort about my relatives noticing me.
The Good
– Huge progress in a thing the gentleman and I want to do. Happening with beauty and surrender, trust and right timing. I feel like I’ve been handed a super beautiful luminous flower in the midst of all this mess.
– I can be grateful to my body for getting sick enough to help me slow down. Usually I’m just mad.
– I love my apartment so much! And I love Portland so much! And I love my relationship so much! I am so so so so so glad to be back!
Aww, man, I was chicken-ing and then closed the tab by mistake 🙁 Trying again.
Let’s see, what was good and hard?
Hard:
-Sleep stuff. I’ve been ignoring the “go to sleeeeep” signs that I’ve made for myself. I don’t wanna beat myself up over it, or be impressed and catastrophic about it, but I would like it to change.
-My partner’s minor surgery. Ugh. The procedure itself went OK (thank goodness), but the waiting four extra hours for it and not eating/drinking was not a good scene. Hospitals: not pleasant happy places to hang out.
-Some of my introspection has turned judgmental and/or interrogation-y. Needy, wanting answers now, dammit, etc. Time to see about gently letting that aspect go.
-I managed to do something horrible to my hip/back in my sleep early in the week.
Good:
-Lovely lovely New Year’s parties with good friends
-Some really awesome possible-news from someone important to me
-Making tiny exciting progress on jewelry stuff (tiny-yay!)
-Having healthy realizations about my jewelry stuff
-Looking forward to yoga on Sunday again
-The fact that I used stretching and sleep posture stuff to address my hip/back issues instead of ignoring it in misery, and it’s mostly better now
Hello, hello, everyone.
I did eight really big things this week. EIGHT.
Seven of them were really hard. REALLY hard.
I have to go on silent retreat about all of them.
And I have no idea how to think about what it means that this could all happen in a week.
And that makes this a post of all one-sentence paragraphs, for which I’m pretty sure I’ll pay in the life to come.
Hallo hallo!
(that means what it means in English; also in Dutch it just means ‘hello hello’ 🙂
The Hard
– Watching my little sister fall apart and cry all day. Watching the whole family worry over the situation and get more and more exhausted.
– NYE – feeling a teeny tiny bit gloomy & unsociable.
– work: honestly i loathes the whole phd thesis at this point
The Good
– Seeing little progress as well as opening up with my little sister
– NY’s Day: planting gwishes and feeling lightness as the old year was just gone.
– being inside as storms pass by. being very content that I chose this place to live for a while
What is needed
(VPA prep)
– calm, quiet, understanding. peace and quiet. and then some more peace and quiet.
– lot’s and lot’s of clews about the next steps
– easing into a social life, a life, a place of happiness
– new inspiration. new resources. new forms of support.
– absolute clarity. boundary improvements
BOK bok BOK bok BOK am lately-chickening. Going to be brief!
The Hard:
– The lovelyman & I have been sick all week, and we didn’t realize it until it had already really worn us out.
– Not enough sleep.
– Long workdays.
– Grumpitude based on the combination of the above two.
– Inadvertently throwing shoes at someone. Argh, guilt.
– Major skin-allergy and food-allergy attacks.
– Having my plane ticket changed by my airline.
– Didn’t get a chance to assemble my new dresser this week.
The Good:
* The lovelyman & I didn’t figure out we were sick for so long because we have such a wonderful soothing effect on
each other. I’m happysquidgy about this.
* Some skin-allergy attacks were on my back, which meant lovelyman attended to them for me, and that’s always nice 🙂
* Workdays were very productive.
* The demon fleas from last chicken are almost gone, due to a GREAT product my local, privately-owned pet store got from Montana.
* The cats and dogs are starting to be adorable with each other (although not friends yet).
* Just made plans that mean I’m going to see a friend I haven’t seen in over 10 years.
* Losing weight even without adherence to diet!
* Friday morning sleep catchup with bonus snuggles!
Sending loads of love to all fellow chickeneers and to the comment-reading lurkers as well!
@Kathleen Avins, thank you for the suggestions. I’m going to try them.
@Loon: I know about the ability to get out of bed problem. Thanks for mentioning that baking cookies got you up one morning. That gives me ideas. If I plan some good things like that, I can put reminders in the bathroom, because bladder pressure is the one form of pressure I always yield to! If I put my clothes in there I won’t have to return to the bedroom to dress and the lure of cookie dough (or whatever) might overcome the lure of the sheets. Hmmm.
Looking forward to the VPAs now.
Oh my God. So much hard. So much change. So much need for chicken. And chicken salad sandwiches.
I could also use a hand-on-heart sigh.
The Really Freaking Hard:
-I’m living in a place where one roommate refuses to acknowledge my existence. I have to find a new place by the end of the month. And I don’t have my cat.
-I went on an interview on Friday, and I bombed it. And it seems like everyone wants to know WHY it went bad, when I don’t want to talk about it.
-I really really don’t want to be in this town, or in this county, or in this part of the state.
-The bus system here takes forever, only runs until 5 pm, is crowded, and is filled with people who try to talk to me about their child custody problems or to tell me that if I don’t believe in God I’m going to hell.
-My laptop got a really bad virus, so I can’t use it for much of anything. I need about $150 to wipe the hard drive, which I don’t have. I may end up losing a lot of great stuff, which of course I haven’t backed up.
-I have to schlep to the library to use their very slow DSL in one-hour intervals to have any connection to the interwebs.
-I’m realizing just how few friends I have. There are about 3 folks who text me on a regular basis, but they aren’t really friends, they just want to sleep with me.
-Even texting is pretty unsatisfying, since my crappy Trak-Phone doesn’t have a full keyboard.
-Being back here means that I keep running into mundane things that poke me right in my sore spots. Oh look, the fance restaurant you went to with your ex. Poke. Oh look, your old middle school. Poke Oh look, the water park that’s now shut down, where you had your first kiss. Poke.
-I don’t know how to fight my depression here. I just seem to be going back to old, unhealthy coping mechanisms.
-I know I did a shitty job of moving out of my old place, and I’m still feeling guilt about that.
-My stepdad is suffering from his own depression issues, and I feel bad for him.
-I’m living down a dirt road in the country. It takes me between 15 and 25 minutes to walk to the bus stop, and up to 45 mins to walk to the post office. It’s a lot more walking than I’m used to. It’s giving me blisters and making my ankles hurt.
-That, and all the eating I’m doing, make me feel really, really fat.
-Crappy dreams. Last night I dreamed that about 4 of my aquaintences/friends had died, and I found out on Facebook.
The Good:
+I found a decent chiropractor and got an adjustment.
+I finally recieved my benefits.
+I’m officially on my new fancy health insurance.
+I have a safe place to live, at least until the end of the month. Even though I miss my cat terribly, I know she is being taken care of.
+My mom is close enough to help me, and not living with her means she’s about 100 times less annoying.
+I do have the money to pay some bills. Even though getting a hold of it is a bit complicated, it exists.
+My current roommates do not try to tell me how to live my life under the guise of being “supportive” or “helpful”.
+Lots of writing. Lots of entries into the Book of Me (now featuring an actual book!).
+Two jobs leads to follow up with on Monday.
+I have had some serendipitous Helper Mice appear when things are bad. It reminds me that things could be even worse.
+I get to pet some friendly dogs. They like me and want to snuggle with me. It’s not the same as having my cat, but it helps.
This weeks hard had to do with having to pull rank to get my way. Both
frustrating and empowering at the same time. The good is that I seem
to have become quietly comfortable in my own skin.
I’m happy you are away and doing your thing Havi – it’s inspiring
Xox
…sigh…
the hard:
-feeling myself slipping – both emotionally and into my de-hydrated tiredness.
– too many instances of people not doing what they said they would do that led to me feeling disheartened
– a difficult conversation about the “art world” and how one could easily commit art career suicide by what to me seems like such a silly thing
– my schedule was thrown off.
– had a busy last weekend with new year’s that was fun, but didn’t include enough recovery time
– difficult conversation with my therapist
the good:
– skyped with my sister and niece
– had fun on new year’s eve
– saw two great art shows
– got another grant proposal in the mail
– i’m doing this chickening right now
– said no to staying at a party for longer than i needed to.
– treated myself to some yummy crackers that i love
– was made a super yummy lunch yesterday
The good:
– I knew I needed hermit time and I managed to say no to a friend who wanted to come for New Year.
– I did spend the entire weekend 31st Dec. / 1. Jan. by myself and it was wonderful: Yoga, writing, catching up on e-mails, having a bottle of champagne with myself, sleeping until 11am on the 1st, skyping for 3 hours with a friend I hadn’t talked to in ages.
– I got to know more of the people I will be working with as of the summer and I have a good feeling about them.
– Ex-colleagues who turned into friends are around at my current workplace.
The hard:
– On New Year’s Eve our street was turned into a war zone. I would like to live in a place where private fireworks are forbidden.
– So many challenges because of major changes ahead.
– Sudden stomach bug that didn’t really come out but was somehow lurking and that has left me feeling and looking totally drained since Friday.
– No weekend this week and just a free Saturday next week and a long work-day on Sunday.
– Quality of my sleep very mediocre.
Cluck cluck. What week are we talking about? I think I’ve got it… from NYE…
Hard shtuff…
– limited energy, belly starting to become an encumberance (rolling over is now done three small yet exhausting movements), I am five years older than the last time I goddessed out doing the child-building trip and I have ewww symptoms like a NORMAL person that I completely bypassed back in my prime! Swollen hands and feet??? What? Vanity is not happy!!
– wanting something big, and wanting it badly, even though I haven’t “earned” it in a way that most of the world would recognise, and the cast of characters in my head nodding in vigorous agreement with that assessment, (thanks grumblethrumb collective) and feeling conflicted and scared of wanting what I want, because if I keep wanting it then I’m going to have to do some asking for support of it and aaaaarrrggghhh-run-away-there-will-be-conflict-and-I-hate-conflict-and-I-hate-having-to-defend-the-tiny-sweet-thing-of-my-desire-from-the-person-who-supposedly-knows-me-best-and-loves-me-most-but-is-(I-suspect)-going-to-understand-this-want-the-least-and-trash-it-the-most-and-aaaaaaaarrrggghhhh-what-does-THAT-say??????
– dog-sitting and guilt-trips about how happy Little Lad is with the dog. Which I SEE of course. But in the end I just don’t need another layer of complexity in my life, I have more than enough responsibility as it is and I hate dog-hair and SUCK IT UP we ain’t getting a dog right now.
– Little Lad is a) gorgeous and wonderful, and b) a pain. Trying to live the kind of parenting he needs. It is hard work. Extreeeeme patience required!
Good stuff
+ getting started on picking up the pieces. Go go actual movement after MUCH stuckification and wheel-grinding and lying on the couch. Getting the juices flowing feels GOOD.
+ the bloggess wrote an amazingly courageous post about depression and self-harm and judgement and got an amazing reception. Ace
+ fanTAStic meeting with Little Lad’s speech therapist who is the best, smartest, funniest woman in the world and getting clear around what we need to prioritise this year to look after him best. With bonus awesome mind-map.
+ projectising my project and using stuff I know and really useful techniques and feeling empowered.
A good week really.
xoxo
Hi, I’m new here, is there an extra seat?
Since we set a menu of cooking chicken meals on Mondays, I do a Monday Chicken. It’s already a thing in our house, makes it that much easier to remember. Except this week, where Monday was a nightmare and I didn’t have time.
The Hard:
* One of my clients THREW A SHOE at me. Out of nowhere! I wasn’t expecting it! And it huuuuurt. I spent several days feeling irritated about that SHOE – doesn’t she know what I go through in order to get up in the morning and do this work for her? Does she realize that I am educated and supposedly part of the same middle class as her? I’m not just a laborer, I count for something. grumble grumble grumble.
And then, of course, I realized that the SHOE was her stuff, but holding on to it was mine. And I’m working through that.
* The Bear has had a terrible week. Getting things done during the day – sort of – and then falling apart in the evenings because he’s doing that wrong things during the day. He cleans off the stove – and forgets to do the job applications. Making things difficult for me, home is not being much of a haven right now. I get home and it’s non-stop arguing and stress. Don’t know what I can do about that except try not to engage in the arguing and let him work out whatever is bothering him.
* Had a talk with a friend I’ve known for almost 20 years the other day, and yet again, she didn’t ask how I was doing or give me much of a chance to tell her how I am doing. I feel pretty frustrated about this, because it’s a pattern with this person. It’s such a long-standing pattern that I don’t mind losing her as a friend over it, but I would really prefer to not have to tell her why. I feel like I’m being a coward over not wanting to tell her that I don’t want to talk to her because she’s so self-centered.
The Good:
* Ummm. I’m really enjoying this Anti-Intellectualism book. Very informative and thought-provoking.
* It feels really good to wrap up this project with so few problems – thrown shoes notwithstanding. It’s gone very smoothly and on-budget.
* I set some trailguides for the play and relaxing I wanted to do on the weekend, and they worked! I got some time for me.
* I wanted to do some leaving behind of the stuff from last year, and did some writing over the last week about that, and so far, it’s been good. Some beginnings of goals and wishes for 2012 starting to pop up.