In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
This week absolutely zooooomed by.
I’m not even sure how that happened.
And it felt like a pretty good week after these past few extra-extra-challenging ones.
(And everyone breathes a sigh of IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME.)
Anyway, let’s do this. Let’s see what happened.
The hard stuff
So much going on.
The mind. It boggles.
Endings.
They’re a big deal.
Even when you think you’re ready.
Transitions can involve a lot of work.
This weekend was the end of three years of running my Kitchen Table program, an amazing online community of smart, creative, good-hearted people.
Surprisingly, I felt really comfortable and unconflicted about the ending: I am ready for the new thing, and the new thing holds many of the beautiful qualities of the old thing, but it is new and different. And this is the time for exiting.
But transitions are still hard. And sometimes exhausting. There was also a lot of work involved with this particular ending.
Related: I worked the whole weekend, and that sucked.
I try to not work weekends, and last weekend was nothing but work.
And this was not a good way to enter the week, so…. never doing that again. You heard it here first!
Oh, iguanas. Why must you be so iguana-like?
This week had giant piles of iguana and doom, except without the doom.
But definitely iguanas. Or things that were not iguanas but I feared that they were, and so I kind of accidentally turned them into iguanas.
Anxious about a meeting.
The meeting actually went brilliantly, but I had to work through a lot of my own crap to get to the point of being ready for it.
Lots of preparing for the voyage, which was lovely and important. But I got to see what I’m afraid of, and that wasn’t always pretty.
A very tiny misunderstanding.
It got sorted out quickly, but in the moment when it happened… so painful.
Ugh buying clothes is the worst. For me!
So I went out to get clothes for the Director (who is a version of slightly future me).
Gaaaaaaaaaaah. I am so disastrously bad at this.
I never know what to do. Or what anyone is saying.
And it reminds me of my first semester of university in Tel Aviv when I took a course on archaeology and didn’t understand half the class because guess what there are a ridiculous number of words for types of pots.
So of course people at shops always want to know if you prefer a skinny-leg something-something or a slouchy wocka wocka or a boyfriend-style foo-foo-foo, and I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
And then I feel stupid and lost. It’s horrible.
Also why have shops been full of ruffled things for the past however many years? When will it stop?!
I generally tend to self-identify as kind of a low-to-medium femme (maybe even someone who could pass as high femme under duress?), but really I would rather walk around in my underwear than be covered in ruffles and frilly bits.
Although my Partner-in-Crime lent me her sweater so I could look like a grown-up at a meeting, and it had ruffles and I was the cutest grown-up ever, so possibly I need to be less harsh in my anti-ruffle stance.
Anyway, feh. Clothes-buying. I just want to have them magically appear in my closet and skip the whole process.
The good stuff
I got four incredibly hard things done on Friday and Saturday.
Things that I wasn’t able to do over the past several weeks, even though they were really taking up a lot of space in my mind.
It felt so good to have that piece finished.
Coming to a decision about something that had been stuck.
I know what I want now.
And I’m okay with wanting it. That feels great.
Bryan!
Remember when I put out a very personal ad post asking for Long, Slow & Deep? And Gaye sent it to me!
This week was the week of doing yoga with Bryan in my living room.
And it was exactly, exactly, exactly what I needed.
Actually, there was lots of yoga this week. Paul-style non-sucky yoga. Some psoas-intensity with Jill. And of course old Turkish lady yoga at the Playground.
Massive progress on the Wish Room.
My much-neglected home office now has lovely periwinkle walls.
And lots and lots of cushions.
Progress!
Congruence. Tiny, baby steps count. For a lot.
I threw things out.
Moved them around.
Change. It’s time.
Many steps closer to the director.
There was an outrageously fruitful meeting with our magical and aptly-named realtor Hope.
I noticed some apologetic shoulder-shruggy appeasement patterns from then that were getting in the way, and this helped me rewrite a letter to make it much more sovereign and in present time.
And now the Director has something to wear. Also a new wallet. Plus her winter boots arrived.
She is closer! it’s all closer!
The boots. Ohmylord the boots.
Guess how many women were in the bathroom on pub night? Guess how many asked me where I got my boots? Yes, it is the same number.
Seriously I cannot even describe how amazing — and Director-like! — the new boots are. The ones that I have been trying to work up the courage to get for her since August.
They’re here. They’re incredible. And I’m not sharing pictures yet because I can’t bear the thought of anyone else ever having them. Sorry.
Getting HELP with the clothing thing.
My friend Rebecca does not find clothing-buying traumatic, but thinks it’s fun. Yet again I am reminded of that familiar piece of Paul-Grilley-truth: people vary!
Anyway, Rebecca is the best. Rebecca took me out on a shopping excursion.
And this was marvelous because she translated for me and told me what to try on and knew all my sizes and was right about everything. Everything.
Plus I knew she was enjoying herself and not suffering along with me.
Also I discovered that it’s actually fun to get clothes for the Director, because my monsters actually want me to be investing in her (if anything, they’re upset about how I don’t respect her enough, even though of course they’re still against the purchasing of clothing for regular me).
Another lovely thing to discover: the Director has fabulously strong opinions. So everything is a clear yes or no. This is great, because when I get stuff for myself, the whole process always feels so doubt-filled and unsure.
Triple-yay.
Saved by the OOD.
Every time I hit a wall this week, the OOD made a new door.
The walk-through.
We did a more formal walk-through of the new Playground space.
With a giant entourage. Me, the First Mate, Partner-in-Crime, Hope the realtor-of-love, architect, plumber, electrician.
And some significantly-more-invisible friends.
It felt really good.
I know a lot more now about how this is going to work, and I’m excited!
A thing I’d thought was going to be crappy turned out to be fine.
That’s all I want to say about that, but yay.
(Also many thanks to Robin for giving me the word egregore, which is such a more beautiful and efficient way to describe something that generally takes me several paragraphs to sum up.)
End of an era.
After three years of running my Kitchen Table program, it came time for deconstruction. As in: taking apart the old and letting the new patterns come into form.
It was time. I was ready. And it feels right.
Also this meant that I had TWO EXTRA HOURS EVERY DAY THIS WEEK!!! Sorry that I’m shouting. It was a really big deal. And way, way, way less of people’s stuff being projected into my space.
I feel the same way I did when I first went on email sabbatical three years ago: Everything is different now.
And also: Who knew there was so much space?
Sweet sweet sleep.
No waking up at 3am this week. Except once.
HUZZAH!
I did it.
My imaginary personal trainer took me through her hardest workout, threatening-promising to break me in half.
And I made it. Bruce Wayne is proud. It was an awesome moment.
Rally starts on Monday!
There is nothing in the entire world that I like better than Rally (Rally!), and we are about to set off on that crazy gorgeous hilarious voyage again.
I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen there.
The fun part of the Chickening happens here.
From the archives.
Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:
- A letter from future me to me on my birthday, and now I’m almost there again.
- You don’t need to take the leap. (May, 2009)
- This one about planning without planning — it’s important.
- Also: we don’t need to be big. People forget this.
- Preparing for the arrival of a thing you really want.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Subterranean Power Grab
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- I can always tell when people have the monster coloring book (and manual!) by the way they self-destuckify as their stuff comes up. It’s a combination of graciousness, curiosity and permission that is absolutely amazing to watch. I recommend this.
- The whisper-brunch is happening for October’s Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage! (password: haulaway). I still need to put up the Over-the-Moonials from last year. Though it’s probably going to be full before I get around to that.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
We let people have their own experience, which means that we’re supportive and kind, and we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
The hard:
Being hospitalized for sneaky symptoms that turned out not to be a heart attack. Not recommended.
Wanting to announce Things, but feeling unsure that they were the Right Things to announce, or even do. Which probably means they aren’t.
Asking for what I want/need (in terms of $fees) and not getting it.
Spoiling something I had been working on for weeks (a Sketchbook).
The good:
I didn’t have a heart attack. And I’m on a road to better health.
Realizing that doubts may be protecting me from a wrong turn. There must be a reason I get to the brink and then pull back (other than cowardice.)
I didn’t die just because someone rejected my terms.
I started a new Sketchbook and made this: http://www.lisafirke.com/2012/persephone-in-the-underworld/
Boots! Yay! And so glad you got some sleep. 🙂
This week:
Hard:
The cold weather meant that our dear doggie had a Very Bad Day on Sunday. We seriously thought that this was The Week.
Future hard of tomorrow: my friend’s funeral/memorial service is tomorrow. It will be good to see all of our friends. It will be hard to say goodbye.
Still being in between. Needing to find ways to nourish myself without the usual suspects (caffeine, shopping, mindless interneting).
Good:
Slightly Future Me has been leaving presents. Like the slippers are right where I can grab them in the dark on these cold mornings. And she made me a batch of Oaty Pie so I have tasty breakfast ready all week.
Our Very Old Dog rallied and is holding her own. So much so that when the vet offered 30 more days of pain medication we said yes.
I was able to sign up for the Floating Playground!
Yoga makes me happy. I could do it more often 🙂
I got my new boots just in time for the cold and wet weather that is happening this week.
I was able to get into the studio this week and painted an amazing buddha mandala for my bedroom.
I realized I brainstorm a lot easier when using markers. And I made myself a collage box to use with the stone skipping, because not all answers have to be words.
I was able to do just one thing and now have a list of shops to send information about my amazing purses to.
Happy weekend, y’all. 🙂
@Lisa — yikes! Hugs on the medical scare! And I loved your Persephone picture. Funny, I just blogged related to Persephone, so I was really intrigued — she seems to be showing up everywhere for me these days!
The Hard:
Snow. Trapped in house with 5 yr old and dog. Trees breaking around us, that hideous “crack-whoosh” sound.
Case of overwhelm. Processing pain. Things slowing down or breaking down.
The Good:
Processing. Having a conversation with Rage & Sorrow.
Applying for Floating Playground (yay!!)
Slow progress on iguanas, and finally getting clarity on my to-do list (now the Traveling Revue in my Cruise Log.)
Cocoa. Mass quantities of cocoa. 🙂
Hope you guys are staying warm and happy!
Many yays for the return of sleeping and gorgeous new clothes and boots and for ending things when they feel right.
Also a sparkle of enthusiasm for what comes next too!
@Lisa – your Persephone is gorgeous!
The hard:
Spending most of this week completely whacked out and exhausted and not doing very much.
The horrendousness of this morning. I’m trying to describe it and basically what happens is I just want to go ‘waahh’. Bureacracy + being treated like shite, essentially.
This meaning that all the stuff I didn’t get done earlier in the week because of feeling ill didn’t get done today either. Gah!
Missing someone.
The good:
Making ‘this shit stops here’ kind of decisions. It feels good.
Going and getting a massage – it was delicious and my body is flexible again. Yay!
Getting an incredibly flattering and totally different new haircut.
Curling up in bed with some favourite tv shows and not feeling guilty.
Despite the huge amount of ‘argh!!’ in today actually not falling apart and taking care of myself and doing entry and exit stuff and this making everything about a gazillion times better.
Also being able to recognise monster voices and old patterns for what they are, and neither shouting at them or falling into believing that they are true. This is possible?!!
Going with my gut instinct do some shiva nata and scribbling this morning before everything went blargh! Seriously good choice, me of then.
Asking for support and getting it. Whoo!
Last but very much not least – I am finally starting to feel better. (This is whispered in a non fate-tempting way.)
Loves to all the chickening folk!
This week I am noticing that the things on the hard list are also the things on the good list.
The hard:
Snow making roads bad and thus visiting the gentleman friend in the next town over strongly unadvised.
Feeling stressed and having little time. Between work, school, and homework (and it’s only the second week of the semester) I feel like all the progress I was making on goals over winter break has come to a resounding halt, and I don’t know how to pick it back up again. A lack of a feeling of spaciousness. A spike in anxiety this morning. And just…feeling the need for a simple solution and not coming up with one! I need a solution! A loophole! Something!
Cookies. Eating too many cookies. And chocolate. Sugar. All those things I am constantly promising to only eat in small quantities.
Snow making jogging outside difficult. Motivation to go the gym not a premium.
Story due in seven days and counting. Not as much writing done on it as hoped.
The good:
Snow! Snowmen and snow forts. School cancelled for snow days. Childlike joy. Hot chocolate. Whisky and eggnog. Snowsnowsnowsnow.
Appropriately dealing with the anxiety this morning (deep breaths, Ease Please, and then just enough mindful cleaning to take me out of panic mode).
Cookies! Delicious chocolate cookies with maraschino cherries. And burritos. And good food in general.
I didn’t go the gym, but I went for walks (including a long one last night with a good friend) and worked up a sweat playing in the snow and did a bit of excercising at home.
Writing. I wrote this week! Not a ton, but I totally wrote.
The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. Great novel! Yay! John Green!
Oh, week.
Hard:
* wanting things for which I am not (yet) qualified
* mixed messages
* feeling underappreciated / undervalued
Good:
* Prime 17 went live yesterday (I took the cover photo)
* the front yard is lush with clover
Shabbat shalom, y’all.
Yay for kick-ass boots!
This week’s hard:
– Unexpected (to me — guess I could pay more attention to forecasts) snowstorm made driving a mess yesterday. Lots of almost being hit by other cars and one frightening slide that ended up far too close to a telephone pole. Put a stressful cap on what was actually a pretty nice day.
– Way too much sugar.
– Related: not nearly enough time spent moving my body.
This week’s good:
– Planned Wander Day was quite nice. Turned running some put-off errands into a fun outing.
– Fun little roadtrip with friends. Got to visit some friends I haven’t seen in a while and read one of my favorite little-kid books to a charming little kid.
– The ideas, they are swirling, and I have some time in my schedule to actually play with some of them next week.
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
@havi–totally feel you about “egregore.” that word really does the heavy lifting. when i learned it, it was astounding how much time it saved.
the hard:
-the shoes, how they fly!
-sunday nite
-petty annoyances, but seriously, why do I have to be the thermostat cop? please check that the heat is OFF on the 60 degree day that you open the window.
-my addiction is my primary relationship.
-my “issues with men” really really suck. and now i’m getting at the hardwired, the meta-narrative and my own patteerning and complicity in cocreating dysfunction…so yeah, it sure feels empowering to be held so accountable.
the good:
-oh everything else really.
-more neurotransmitters on tap! even ina dversity, i feel okay. more than okay. amazing. so grateful for this.
-my kids are awesome. my oldest wants to be my ally.
-domestic tranquility
-less running around this week
-Treehouse time. I made it.
-making ime to map out on paper new Entries into Friday, and Entries to Pcon. much help wfrom this, lots of fun as different voices spoke up.
-forgiveness
-more sleep. less hectic.
The Hard:
Things growing in people’s brains that aren’t meant to be there.
The cold that sucked my energy up (really? a cold? it’s not like its a brain tumor!) and made it hard to breathe and sleep.
The Good:
Seeing the connections that come out of the group I built and feeling so proud and happy for it.
Kitty!! My nervous cat comes out to play, and sleeps on my bed, and plays with her toys and eats (yay!) and squeaks at me. She still slinks when she comes downstairs and bolts back up if I blink. Stay tuned, couch kitty can’t be far away!
I discovered the new Sharon Salzburg book on meditation while I was not sleeping, and ordered it and am excited for it.
I think my brain works under cover of darkness when I’m sick. After my last sickness, a book sprang forth. I think there is something brewing here, too, even though I can’t tell because I’m in a fog.
My cold means that I get to declare a sick day and lie on the couch and eat cookies (and then go to the pub with my friends for beer.)
Snow!!
Havi! Yay! I am so happy about your fabulous boots and your clothing help and your sleep! YAY!
I find ruffles interesting. I always think that I don’t love ruffles on me, only I just bought two shirts and a sweater that are full of ruffles because they seemed to be calling my name and they were on sale and it turns out they are my favorites. Ruffles FTW!
I don’t know what to say about this week.
The hard:
I am feeling Bah about this. Silent retreat.
The good:
Shannon
Briana
the Muppets
M&M cookies
epiphanies
taking pictures
just the right questions
staying in bed when it’s pouring
seeing glimpses of what could/can be
Hard:
–A money-related crisis occurred. A rather big one, in fact. It’s basically okay now, but that was rough.
–Feeling bruised by the crisis, one of my partners railed at me, and told me, “In the past five years, you have accomplished nothing.” This. Is. NOT. True. But it hurts to think that someone so close to me would say that, would think that, even if I’m pretty sure it was mostly his monsters doing the thinking and talking.
–Then my other partner, when I (in a moment of weakness or whatever) asked him whether he thought I hadn’t accomplished anything, replied that if I had, it wasn’t anything major. But hey, he said, neither had he. And neither had my other partner, for that matter. So wait a minute, what exactly are we talking about, here? What is an accomplishment, anyway? I went and looked it up in Merriam-Webster, just because this was gnawing at me, and surely either we are all accomplishing things every minute of every day, or else no one ever accomplishes anything, ever. It seems fairly clear that my partners and I are defining our terms differently, if in fact we’re defining them at all. Still, the whole thing bugs me. Can you tell?
–Oh, and then there’s this short-term eating plan I’ve been following as part of an e-course: no meat, no gluten, no sugar, no caffeine, not much dairy. Tomorrow is the last day of all this, but it gets harder to stick with the plan as the finish line draws closer. I’m not sorry to have engaged in this adventure, but it was a bit sad when I baked a chocolate cake for someone’s birthday and didn’t permit myself to have any. (I did lick my fingers when I was making the frosting. How the heck do you not lick your fingers when you’re making frosting?!)
Good:
–Everyone else really liked my cake. That was very nice. No, seriously, it was.
–I bought a beautiful scarf, multicolored, so soft, very warm and cozy.
–I’ve been making music for myself on a daily basis, in a clear and mindful way.
–My voice is responding well to the things I’ve been doing to give it love and care. I just listened to a recording of myself singing, and yessss!
–New website. It was time. It’s a tiny sweet thing right now. That’s okay. It will grow.
–Floating Playground!
Yay for Friday! Yay for Chicken! Sighs all around!
The Hard:
– Being sick. Still.
– Money monsters are *really* loud, and I’m often in panicky anxious demanding mode.
– Too much rain and highly inadequate footwear.
– DON’T tell me my car needs chains. My car doesn’t need chains. Chains are stupid. -pout pout pout-
– Three people I have to call back. About scary things.
– Giant kerflufle re: mail. I want my mail!
The Good:
– There is more good than hard!
– Shiva Nata made both going to the doctor and packing super easy and quick. Neither of those things is ever easy or quick.
– Turns out this thing wrong with my ears has a name, and the temporary answer is Sudafed, and it’s better than nothing.
– The phrase I’ve been wanting to hear my ENTIRE LIFE but especially these last few months got uttered to me this morning! Yee-haw! Now that it’s for real, of course I’m not ready, but at least I get to work on it. Because it’s FOR REAL!!! (<-!!!)
– Four days in the woods without technology lounging around in hotsprings naked!! Awesome.
– Sneakily, with me noticing (or even trying), my brain figured out level 3 and level 4. There was much rejoicing. Much much rejoicing.
– Future Me knows what to do. And even though I don't really trust her, so far it's working out.
– Yoga! In fifteen minutes!
– Clearly I needed this time in the woods, because now I have tons of energy and am gleefully doing all my chores *and* all the gentleman's chores and bouncing around in good spirits. Bounce bounce bounce.
– Emergency Calming Techniques are saving my butt.
– A new relationship to structure! I don't know what it is yet, but it's going in a good direction.
– Suddenly, I can sleep on my back. Which means my neck doesn't hurt. I've been trying to do this for a year!
@seagirl – kitty news! I love it. Sweet kitty shmoooshmooo…
@Leni – oh boy, yes, the empowerment of responsibility, oh my yes, yes. I feel you. Oh yes. It is just so much DANDELIONS AND GODDAMN SUNSHINE to see the bigger picture, mais non? Haha. Ha. Ha. Oyyyyy….. eeerrgghh…. Yes. Solidarity. I hope the forgiveness bits of your good stuff connected to this, or does soon. xo
Okaiiiy, vot harpened??
Hard shtuff…
– aardvark and limited capacity make progress slow
– someone I love acting out of their story about how judgey and mean I am, which is sometimes true, but not ALL the time… hurt feelings and shouting…
– my body is uncomfortable and difficult to maneuver, my shoes and rings don’t fit, my belly button hurts (!!!). I’m not even that bloody old but apparently evolution thinks I am…
– money bores. The dragon is safely tucked away out of sight out of mind, but will be hungry when I do go to visit, and will eat all the treasures I had daydreamed about spending elsewhere on something much more crazy beautiful and less mundane than cars, electricity and water bills… (Ha! 21st century miracles are seen as mundane!! Go go A-Little-Historical-and-indeed-Contemporary-Geographic-Perspective-Please fairies!!)
Good shtuff….
+ aardvark led to amazing progress on rearranging the house including creating a workspace for meeeee!!!
+ using my Metaphor-Mouse idea of ‘making space’ rather than ‘cleaning’ and seeing how this endorses my own musings on humility/liberty (I’m not CLEANING I’m allowing the quality of CLEAN to fill up the space I’ve created. Cleanness is not something IIIIII have to produce, it exists all of it’s own accord and all I have to do is provide the space for it.) Okay, that sounds DUMB when you think I’m just talking about wiping down my kitchen benches but it also applies to EVERYTHING…. because there is no biggification without destuckification. ANYWHERE. Make space and the growth will flow into the space that you’ve provided. The actual GROWING isn’t something one needs to DO it is something that one needs to ALLOW. Anyway, makes sense to me and feels all epiphinial and revelatory and stuff. Also by making space, the space we’ve made becomes a ‘making-space’. Where stuff gets made. Except I’m not MAKING it, it makes itself through me. Yes? Yes. #imperfectwords #epiphanies
+ merry-go-roller-coaster relationship seems to have ended and new, tentative AND certain way of relating seems to be sticking around. After the brink of the brink of reaching the brink this seems kind of miraculous but also inevitable…. We are who we are. We belong. We just do. No matter how off-track the WAY we related ever got, the fundamentals stand firm. Love. S’weird. S’good but.
+ Little lad and Squirmy girl. They’re so funny and sweet and their own sovereign selves. Also, think we’ve found a name for Squirmy and I’m pretty in love with it!!
+ Everything is okay. Really it is. If life is a möbius strip then even what seeeeems to be a ‘bad’ thing can’t really be, except in how I relate to it. It’s just a thing. And who am I to know in the end whether it was good or bad that xxxx happened? I can judge it to be more or less pleasant but does that make it good or bad? My brain still fights this 99% of the way but something down deep resonates so I’m concentrating on that resonance and it feels deep and true. Everything is okay. Even when it breaks my heart and soul. Everything also makes my heart sing and my soul soar. Cos, it’s EVERYthing. Yes.
(fuck I’m poetic)
Xoxo
@Esme – so very much about the hard and the good being tangled!
The hard:
I’ve been sick off and on all week. Feeling cruddy, and with a mood to match it some days. And a terrible cough.
A meeting, which gave me answers, but not the ones I wanted to hear.
My laptop is acting up, and its dvd player has decided to take a little break.
The Good:
Being sick was an interesting practice in observing my moods and needs, and testing ways to feel better.
The meeting gave me another possibility, one I was sure my partner wouldn’t go for, but he’s enthusiastic about the idea. Hooray enthusiastic!
When the dvd player wouldn’t work, I remembered to figure out what I wanted from it – non-sucky yoga. And went ahead and did my stretches from what I remember, and got what I wanted out of the time anyway.
The… odd? I got offered a gig that could be very useful financially, but I’m really not sure about how it aligns. I’m practicing buffering, just to see what happens in a month before I answer.
The wonderful – Floating Playground!
The hard:
– negotiations about furniture moving with my ex.
– really, really, really hating HATING HAAAAATING my job.
– stomachaches (OF DOOM!) and sleeplessness.
– scared so much more by joy than by pain.
The good:
– suddenly realized I have the possibility to do yoga teacher training in March.
– shifting stucknesses and breathing through resistance with my beau (I’d call him my gentleman friend, but I feel like that term belongs to Havi’s gentleman friend), balancing freedom and communion, love and joy increase even more, YAY! Who’d ‘a thunk such a beautiful thing was possible?
– bought “The Monster Book of Monsters” (ok, I know that’s not the real name). Have been talking to my monsters like a crazy monster-whisperer. Learning very interesting things about them and what they want for me.
– I do not have to Have A Thing. So I don’t have to pick one passion. I can indulge them all, roll around in interests & inspirations like a puppy rolling around in smells.
– submitted for the Playground in the Ether. So we’ll see. Even if I don’t get in this time, I am learning sooo much by fulfilling the submission requirements.
– my yogi tea motto/fortune tags have been way more interesting, and way less smugly self-righteous, of late.
@Claire – love the Making Space instead of cleaning… I may have to play with that this week.
@seagirl – hooray for braver kitty!!
Hard Stuff
+Hurt my eye. Panic, stress, grouching, losing sleep, massive pity party.
+Worrying about The Same Old Green Stuff
+Feeling guilty about taking my grumpiness out on someone who didn’t deserve it
+Feeling like [The Dream Bus] might [leave without me]
+Getting called an “obsessive lunatic” for pointing out the possibility that a TV show which many people (myself included) really like could still, in fact, have some problematic ways of addressing racial issues
+[Some events in a book I was reading, including the sudden unexpected suicide of the protagonist’s gay best friend, triggered all my stuff and left me curled up in a ball grieving. Over fictional characters.]
+Having to undo many many hours of crochet work because it came out lopsided
Good Stuff
+Getting out my Healing With The Fairies oracle deck and starting each day with a fairy
+journaling every day, first thing in the morning!
+Delicious soup!
+AND I made vegan ice cream! without even needing any special equipment!
+Monster Coloring Book!!!!!
+Making a Safe Room for one of my monsters and realizing it was really a Safe Room for me too
+My friend Peg came to visit me!
+Discovering some sweet new music
+A really satisfying experience with one of my favorite Tarot clients
And my band of the week is: The Interchangeable People. (Definitely just one guy.)
It is time for chicken, but work is super busy all day. I need to get back to the quality of fluidez that I asked for today. I forget that when I ask for flow that sometimes results in super busy days, but where I ride the crests of the waves.
Ahem…
The hard
* food poisoning. in a car. throwing up in the bushes outside of McDonald’s and bathroom rest stop lines.
* swamped at work/the never ending to do list
* headache
* ambiguity about going to a friend’s house instead of just going home and writing and going to bed early
* not getting to the pool for another week
* this week felt too fast… possibly from being sick for two days?
The good
* weekend with just me and husband. very nice. just the two of us 🙂
* writing lots of words on my novel and posting a new exerpt of my wip
* jannowrimo
* starting a store on my blog, now I have the possibility of earning monies from blogging stuff… or at least being able to pay back some of the hosting
* starting a new blog about my progress – totally havi inspired. –can I make link here? this is the one without the store which is super clearly labelled. Book of Mel
* grad school stuff resolved – now i have to wait on this project and is all i can do for this one project.
Also good: Very Clear Indication that I should go to DVD store and rent The Neverending Story and also Labyrinth. Wheeeee! 80s kids fantasy that will be more Layered With Meaning now. I know this because Video Hits just told me so. Heehee!!!
The hard and the good.
Hard:
– Confusing communication about the class that I’m supposed to teach starting Monday. Coupled with an unreasonable request about said class, that made the confusion more confusing. But it’s resolved now.
– I ate all the wrong stuff, didn’t exercise, and otherwise neglected myself.
– Feeling whiney.
Good:
+ Floating Playground! I started skipping stones as soon as I received the pickle page.
+ Cabo Bojador! That came about because the application for the Floating Playground is an exploration. Looking into early European exploration, I learned about Cabo (Cape) Bojador. To get beyond the dangerous waters of the Cape, they had to go much farther out to sea. And that led them to calm waters, safety, new knowledge, and eventually to great wealth. So the Floating Playground = Beyond Cabo Bojador. The Portuguese explorations were not limited to sailing south, they went inland too. So all of the things I’m doing, whether experimenting with art or working on a novel or teaching my classes or researching the 15th century or identifying plants, are all explorations Beyond Cabo Bojador. I’m assembling a field kit for the land explorations. And I’ve got the good ship Fluent Self for the ocean voyage.
+ Hot chocolate.
+ Plans for tonight with another couple. We haven’t done anything together since the GPS got us lost last summer!
Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend filled with all good things.
Hard crunchy concrete things:
+ being very uncomfortably sick in a very similar way o over a decade ago. And then starting to freak out that it is XYZ. Also finding that regular pain medication was not working and hot water bottle was only working to half strength.
+ unable to earn monies because of sick. & due to forgetfulness on someone else’s part, no monies in my account for this week
+ staying up too late: bad sleeps, rest of day not fun
Sweet gooey things:
+ still having monies to take care of myself (thanks past me!)
+ figuring out the latest time I can safely stay awake.
+ reassurances by others about sick thing. And not feeling guilty about taking days off to recuperate and scientifically presenting evidence contradicting monster perceptions of being perceived as flakey. Permission to recover when I really need to.
+ having little idea sparks of tiny sweet things gathering around this morning and yesterday. Oh to clone myself 🙂
+ Mike Patton’s Mondo Cane and listening to a single song with good quality headphones, eyes closed, soaking in every symbol clash, soaring vocal, whispering violin, dancing bass.
+ set up a tiny mailing list for one of my things! And sending an email to that list! Egads!
Happy silent or yodel vocal chickening to you xo
Happy weekend, everyone! 🙂
Hard:
-Topsy-turvy week. No yoga! Wacky sleep schedule shenanigans. Feeling a little off-kilter and “whoa, what just happened?” about it all.
Good:
-The fuzzy bunny sweater is the warmest thing ever (it’s actually made of cashmere, I found it for something like $10 at the thrift store)
-Floating Playground! (tiny-yay-eek-confetti-butterflies)
-I solved many puzzles last weekend and had a lovely time.
-I think I finally understand what’s so great about stone-skipping.
-Board games are awesome.
Ohh, yay for everyone getting to Friday! Seagirl and Spiralsongkat, we should definitely know each other better. 🙂
and @Havi, YAY BOOTS! I have recently discovered the wonders of (non-Sorel) boots, myself. Shockingly, they make a huge difference to how I act.
The hard:
+ ocrap the screwup and the not-enough-buffer. Whoopsie. I hate screwups. And I try to fix them as fast as possible. So now I am running a secret special special. to fix it. So if you want to coach with me, you should message me on Twitter and ask about the details of the special special. I’m only offering it in certain places on the internets, and only this weekend. So. By Sunday, and I will tell you! And you will get coaching. And we will have fun.
+ eating too much. all the time. What is UP with that?
+ aches. All over. Might need a bath to work the kinks out.
+oh so much laundry. Why?
+the magic expanding drive which took all day. It should have been 3 hours but it was six.
The good:
+ yay relationship things!
+ yay getting some writing done and some things checked off the list.
+ yay following through on a commitment
+ yay awesome coaching clients
+ yay at least the theory sort of working
+ yay extra time off to recover
may the weekend be full of restedness.
Chicken chicken hello to you! This is me entering chicken mode.
I send soothing lurvles (define however is most comfortable) to everyone in their hard and bouncy YAAY with autocleaning confetti cannon for the good.
@Havi – egregore is a fantastic word. Also, Ruffles? I always remember they are my favorite addictive potato chip and then I forgive them for making me look like a wedding cake.
@Lisa – LOVE your Persephone. Purple hair and green eyes? Ultra-swoon!
@Elizabeth – The Muppets are so often a good I feel like I should list them every week 🙂
@Melissa – GAH food poisoning! Some of my worst experiences. Extra sympathies your way.
@Erin – OMG Mike Patton is like a key of keys.
Here’s the Us of the week! —
Ouch Hard:
– People screaming at work. Not at me, but at each other, which makes for a different kind of stress.
– Discovering that paranoia about the early wake-up for work is what is disrupting my sleep. (Meenz!)
– Insecurity about the lovelyman based on my own messy internal parameters.
– Grr-y monster conversations.
– Realizing yet again I am SO no good at doing dance-y/physical stuff from memory.
– Too much stuff in front of the TV meant no Shiva Nata.
– Finding boots (Fluevogs yummm) that I want bit that are both too expensive and also too narrow for my calves. *siigh*
– Still no name for my flitter-muse.
– Losing all the stuff I need to keep making my Book of US (United Selves).
– Skin-allergy attack still going on, but now on my face.
– Caffeine addiction headaches.
– Too much toothgrinding at night.
– Still. Not. Writing.
Whee Good Woofs Woofs:
* Getting a lot of validation about my work.
* Doctor visit today went remarkably well.
* Happy resolution to insecurity.
* Ohhh I love my friends SO much.
* Lovelyman petting my face when he’s awake to hear me grind, and stopping me.
* Super-happy female stuff coming back from long silent retreat!!
* Buying a special dog bed for my arthritic dog made me really happy as well.
* Blogging about keys.
* Sleeeeep. And dreams!!
* Got into a special writing call, where only 100 places were reserved.
* There’s a very cheap gym at my work location! I’ll be able to treadmill on the worst conference calls!
* Cantering with the puppila.
* Pending snow on a weekend I don’t need to go anywhere! Yaaay!
* Orlando with a preface by Tilda Swinton! YAAY!
* Am currently so grateful to Past Me, which is something I so rarely feel.
* YAAAY Woop Woop Floating Playground! Even the fact that it *will* exist makes me happy, even if I don’t end up engaging.
* My Band Name of the Week is “The Abrupt Goodbyes” and a semi-co-worker said she’d see the Abrupt Goodbyes anytime as long as I’m fronting.
Extra extra support and love and well-wishes to everyone.
Yay Chicken! I do the good first because that’s what works for me! So much good this week! And some interesting and useful hard.
The Good
The Convening of an Enthusiastic of Rallions for Andy’s (my well-traveled teddy bear’s) blog! Enthusiastics are amazing! I am so enthusiastic about them! This was the perfect way to quietly put Andy’s blog into the world! The monsters were enticed away from their doom-filled party of Doom with confetti and bubbles, and the reactions of everyone were so wonderfully perfect! Yay for enthusiastic support! Yay for Rallions!
Officially planning a trip to New York City and Montreal at the beginning of February! I wanted to do this so much and now everything is falling into place in such a perfect way! (and I will get to see @Simone in NYC! Huzzah!)
The non-suckiness of Non-Sucky Yoga! Did it today for the first time, and I can already tell it is going to be just the thing! My body feels lighter and happier, and I can’t wait to see what happens as I start a regular practice! Also, Havi’s recording for when you’re not in the mood to do yoga is pretty much the best thing ever for when you don’t feel like doing something…and that something totally doesn’t have to be yoga! This is a new tool for when I hit a stuck!
A question Havi posed this week in VPAs – “What if I’m wrong about everything I’m currently assuming?” – has been changing my perspective on everything about a certain situation. This is making a good thing even better.
People who get me. I have so many of them in my life right now, and this makes me incredibly happy. I love my people!
Sparkly snow! Newly fallen snow is pretty much the prettiest thing ever! Yay winter wonderland!
The Hard
A painfully obvious (and obviously painful) incongruity. So I once lived in Texas for a year. It was the worst year of my life. (This is not an indictment or judgement of Texas. This is totally my stuff.) I was in a situation where I had relinquished all my sovereignty, and my extreme lack of sovereignty led to an extreme lack of love, kindness, support, and money. I eventually extracted myself from that situation and ended up where I am now – in Chicago living a life I am so happy in. But my driver’s license is still from Texas. I just recognized the glaring incongruity of this today. And I have been living in Chicago for 3 YEARS. Yet I still carry all the guilt and pain and hurt from Texas with me every day in my wallet. This needs to change. Immediately.
Discovering pain that I didn’t know was there – both emotionally and physically. This is useful because this pain is clearly mucking things up, and I wasn’t even aware of it. But now that I found it, I actually know exactly what will help make it better.
Waiting. And totally not being okay with waiting. And sometimes not even knowing what I’m waiting for.
Love to everyone’s Chickens! 🙂
why, i was about to forget to chicken. and then i was walking the dog and realized… i REALLY want to chicken! and possibly weird-slow-chicken-dance they did on the new girl episode i randomly saw this week.
week! you seemed so bleak. hards:
::(big and whiny) WORKING in an OFFICE in a BASEMENT and BLAH and should-be-gratefuls holding me hostage.
::Back at firm I left 2+ (eek!) years ago. finding the sovereignty challenges that existed then with the new me. still some stucks and hurts – and new ways to unstuck.
::Told the gentleman something important to me and he took it, albeit stoically, as a shoe :(.
::”You’re not appreciated” monsters yelling through hormonal megaphone. yowch.
week’s peaks/goods:
::SO much biking! plus of travelling to office. and appreciation of biking! grace and competition and keenness and speed!
::a hula hooping class! interest leading quickly to investigation, ahhh.
::books. rocking my world.
::money filling bank smoothly. mmm jobs are good for some things.
::recurring epiphany/theme of Awkward leading to Graceful. and i can love BOTH. and it’s showing up Everywhere. 😀 <3 shiva nata.
Thanks for the sharing of the chickens! softness for the hards, and trampolines for the goods!
Chicken time again after a week that somehow, at the same time, flew and “slow-motion-ed” by.
The hard:
– After two non-existing weekends I was dragging myself through the office days.
– PMS
– Urge to de-clutter house and not having the time for it.
– Annoyed with myself about piles of clothes everywhere and the time I had to spend on removing them.
– Feeling guilty about spending money.
The good:
– Found two pairs of boots in the sales for less than the original price of one. Ordered them via amazon and they fit perfectly.
– Familiar faces turning up unexpectedly at work.
– This weekend will be a weekend, naps and a long walk.
YES @ Claire – making the space- really spoke to me today.
So the week, where did it go? It’s already Saturday and the snow is falling.
The Good:
*Committing to working on how shame shows up in my body, thoughts, internal culture, external culture, in other words, life. It felt freeing and not scary at all – go figure.
*Was asked to sub at the school I left as of last June. Enjoyed myself and was aware of how much I liked belonging to such a beautiful place AND not going there on a daily basis anymore. Connection and freedom – yay.
* Becoming more aware of how much of my life used to be about an ongoing scanning of what hasn’t been done, what needs to be done, out of fear of f—–g up. I noticed the hamster on the wheel part of me has stepped off the wheel. Sigh.
*Yin Yoga for the upper body – aah.
* Place to live for future us in Austin is now a reality. Rented to others as we prepare for the transition.
The Hard:
* Waiting for papers/certifications that I need to get the business-type stuff moving.
* Watching a close friend suffer.
* I was hacked, my email spamming everyone on my contact list. Major pain. But much kindness of recipients of gross emails supposedly from me.
* Swimming (it’s a proxy). Much patience needed. And, negotiating with the critters.
Havi, I am very curious about the boots! Totally understand you not wanting to show them. ENJOY!
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– crazy high winds interrupting sleep for several days
– dysfunctional meetings
– mysterious lower back pain
The Good:
– 28 students in my quantitative methods class … meaning we are growing our academic program (there were only 16 in the class last year)
– new light rail stop making my commute much easier
– super cute wardrobe for work
@Claire P: Wow! Everything is ok, because everything is a moebius strip. That is so obvious. I learned that on the Camino, but the new twist (pun intended) with the moebius just makes it so much easier to understand.
Anyways
THE HARD: Is actually not so easy to remember, because I sit here in my new jumper with a full belly and two whole boxes full of yarn that I like.
– a cold and resultant fog
– being without structure, finding it hard to implement it
– uneasiness around calls with my parents
– worry about my friend
– redoing the knitting for the umpteenth time. I’m sure there’s a life metaphor in there somewhere.
THE GOOD:
– stone skipping and figuring out that a spacial structure (like a separate workspace) also need spacial intent. It’s not enough to go to work, it needs to be clear what is work and that it belongs in this space.
– stone skipping and starting to be ok with having a business
– my new jacket is finally finished. it is close to perfect and sooo warm.
– reading a book
– bath time
– Feeling like I belong
– setting clear boundaries
– my pattern testers and seeing what they make of my design
Happy Happy Weekend to all!
I would absolutely love a slouchy wocka wocka and a boyfriend-style foo-foo-foo!
I know I love how the word “ruffled” sounds…
the hard:
-traveling on a plane, oof.
-good byes to loved ones.
-slight tummy bug.
-missing a bit of exercise due to tummy.
the good:
-homecomings, all still here.
-having the whole row to myself.
-friend in stage 4 cancer getting good news [and there was much rejoicing]
-happy anniversaries.
-floating playground.
and howdy to the new week!
¡Hola, chickeneers!
One thing from this week.
The Good Part: old friend from hometown (one of very oldest friends, mmmmm…..) came through town on her way to a retreat. We had a lovely visit. She pointed something out about my psychology in that gentle Gestalt therapist way of hers that was *very* helpful. And I’m going to look at it.
The Hard Part: I drove her out to her retreat and stopped in at a little boutique in the village there. (Me: not a hater of shopping.) There was a dress on sale for 70% off. That I loved. That I had *previously* loved on my own last retreat there six months earlier, but didn’t want to buy at 30% off. Decided not to buy it for a second time.
Then More Hard: Drove home for 2.5 hours and regretted not getting dress about 90% of the time. Didn’t turn around. CRIED imagining dress hanging lonely on rack.
Finally: Called shop five days later. Dress still there. I paid extra to have it shipped.
Today: Dress arrived. It’s beautiful. Boot-beautiful. Thank you, dress shop! Thank you, dress! Thank you, paycheck! Thank you, pub to which I can’t wait to wear dress!
The Good.
So many chickens! Hello, fellow chickeneers! I have a very big chicken hanging out in my brain and have been so desperate to get it out, ever since Friday, and now it’s Saturday night and it’s bumping up against my VPA-desiring-brain and so here I am, entering the chicken, hello and here we go:
Hard things
– Home for three days (three! days!) with the sick toddler. Related slothful energies and total lack of routine (not in a sovereign comforting way) and wow, bleh. Also disturbed sleep because of her coughing and that made things extra hard.
– Pattern that doesn’t feel good: kept showing up. Trying to give it attention and not quite succeeding, and feeling pain as a result.
– Rain. Rainy. Rain rain snow rain. Waking up in the dark. Getting very wet even on very short walks. Not my favorite.
– Confusion and hurt of the past several weeks has resulted in a bit of a…backlog? buildup? within my marriage and that has made regular interactions kind of weird and fraught.
– Spending time with a really sad part of myself that I hadn’t previously acknowledged fully, and being kind of surprised at the depth of sadness and pain hiding there.
– Lots of other stuff. The Saturday morning of confusing doom. The possible reappearance of PMDD. The possible toothache. And silent retreat on plenty of others.
Good things
+ This week started with mini-rally Monday and it was GLORIOUS. Oh goodness. Exactly what I needed. Hard but good and big and oh my brain, so many thoughts and realizations.
+ The RALLY MAGIC FORT OF AWESOMENESS oh wow. With extra circles of protection. And a bell. It was seriously the best I’ve ever made it. I was really, really proud of that fort.
+ The important question that was met with an excellent response: “Yes, I agree.” Feeling hope about a previously-stuck stickiness.
+ The unlikely pillow-in-the-window solution that ended up curing my sleep disturbance issue. Wow.
+ Friday night sex, thank you.
+ I fixed my Outlook problem on Tuesday, the only day I went into work this week, and that was probably the most productive thing I could’ve done. Awesome!
+ Incredible thrift store mojo.
+ Sleeping in. Sleeping through.
+ Swimming!
+ I closed a door, with safe boundaries that I was able to utilize with no notice. Not letting the other person get in my space about it. Giving the door exactly the attention it needed — it was no longer the thing I needed and it felt good to close it. Goodbye.
.
Sending lots of love and hellos to everyone’s chickens — and hello and thank you to this ritual that is so calming. And goodnight, chicken. Goodnight brain, see you tomorrow when we write our VPAs, too.
The Good
– being in thailand- a-ma-zing beaches
– meeting lovely distant family, sharing stories, getting excited about the indonesia family reunion
– just being away from work – so badly needed
– seeing this as a preparation of my 2013 travels – imagining everything that is possible again: brain expansion
The Bad
– one stressful day of booking accomodations
– hanging out with one complicated family member – dealing with the responsibility of a tough situation
– no time to recharge my batteries by being alone
– negativity flowing around the traveling with my sisters. i want it to be positive badly. but traveing is stressful and its hard to deal with one sisters depression on top of it. more depletion when recharging should be happening. loneliness. not having someone to talk to.
I’m coming to love, and look forward to the Friday Chicken!!!
Sometimes I feel like there is an entire month of stuff smashed into just one week.
The hard and the good seem so interwoven that i can’t write about them separately this week, or I get stumped and feel un-flowy when I try to just write about “the hard” and the “good”… so giving myself permission to just write and not put them into categories…
– Feeling back and neck pain again, and needing to uber-attentive to what it’s saying, has for me, but not entirely sure about how to communicate with it or if I’m reading the signs properly.
– Having a challenging conversation with my sister, and feeling sad about how so many women have been deeply disempowered in so many parts of our lives.
– Navigating my way through a depressing communist-built bureaucractic office with no signs in English and no one being particularly helpful.
– Stepping up and speaking my truth about what I need in order for my work to be sustainable.
– Saying no to a few beers in beer-drinking-land.
– Being really hard on myself in an almost imperceptible way.
– Not painting when I wanted to and having that evolve into neck pain.
– Pressure, pressure, pressure that I put on myself for all that I think I need to be doing.
– Waking up in the middle of the night with shoulder pain.
– Beating myself up for sleeping in when a cold was being worked out in my system.
– Not knowing what was “really” happening in my body.
But….
– I did make progress with the body. Talked to it. Got some information. Watched the pain move around, with curiosity.
– Slept a whole bunch last night without having to get up and pee!
– Got a Christmas package of goodness from my Mom and had a little Christmas morning in my studio in Prague this week.
– Honoured what I need to be making financially.
– Wasn’t phased when a job didn’t come through.
– Had a great conversation with my sister after the hard conversation.
– Got to see my sweet smiling niece on skype several times.
– Had a great conversation with my partner-in-many-sorts-of-crimes about the masculine and feminine.
– Got a sweet – “feels like laying my head on a soft pillow” email from a dear one.
– Had a great skype conversation with a dear one.
– Lots of touching and love making.
– Gave myself Friday to paint and drink an espresso and move slowly through my day.
– Got help putting together a Field Guide….
– Am being taken care of, and well-fed and loved this weekend.
– Watched the film Alice in the City and took cues about how to better ask for what I want from an 8 year old!
phew….
love to all the hardness and the goodness.
also, quite curious about the new boots. 😉
jessica
Whoa, @Claire! Making space for the clean! That was a huge epiphany for me. Thank you so much!
@Havi: Total sympathy about the clothes shopping!!
The hard:
The health professionals who had apparently studied as a team how to be as insensitive as possible. I feel alone and un-helped.
Threats from the mean person, who has very real little power now. She apparently still has some power inside my head.
The good:
Helping several friends get unstuck with their creative and business endeavors. A superpower I didn’t realize I had.
Our new website is ready, and I made it!!! New marvelous things invented by my sweetheart are ready to make their way into the world. So proud and excited.
I’m applying for the Floating Playground!!! And immediately, just knowing I’m applying has made a structure that is helping me do my inner work more consistently.
I finally got the Monster Manual! I had kind of thought I’d learned how to talk to monsters from the blog. I’ve been talking to them for a year. But the manual as SO much more! New strategies to use right away!
And therefore I was able to write a new blog post, move forward with my other sweet big thing, and juggle my days more easily. And I had my first monster negotiator—it was Barbara Sher! (She’s good at it—give her a try!)
Steady flowing grounded support for my business progress from two amazing friends. And giving them the same support.
Mmm. Boots. Fabulous.
OK, let’s chicken!
The Hard:
-drank way too much at book group, had hangover
-dull and disconnected at work, not sure what to do with that
-mountain cedar allergies eating my brain
-scale not going the way I would like it to, and feeling like I don’t have a lot of options because of my knee being achy and busted
-freaking madhouse at the grocery store and traffic and running late and blech
The Good:
-fantastic time at book group. Everyone loved the fish chowder I made, good conversation, good company, good wine…um…see above. Still a good time 🙂
-went out to the symphony with friends, lovely
-four day weekend last weekend, ooh, the spaciousness
-applying what I’ve been learning about entry and exit to money and using Bari Tessler’s version of exit 2011/entry 2012. Feeling good about the whole budget/money thing. Mostly.
-quiet evening at Candlelight Coffeehouse
-having the leave time available to call into work when I felt my allergies banging on me on Wednesday, so was able to spend the day prepping for work book group that night, and just go in for that. Pleasant time curled up on the couch in my jammies reading all the crazy theories about what Alice in Wonderland really means 🙂
-movie and Indian Food with good friends
-I got a raise!
-interacting with Fergus (the project about which I have been crazy avoidy)
-monster coloring book of goodness
-applied for Floating Playground
-the Chicken. Seriously, I love reading about everyone’s week – the ups and the downs.
Hugs for the hard, sparkles for the good, and have a great week, y’all!
Hello Monday. I always feel mixed ways about seeing you.
The Hard:
– The week started off with The Bear forgetting a dose of his pills, which made him question everything I said. Not really throwing shoes, just… argumentative. I need a better way to describe this.
– Snapping at my boss for not hearing what I was trying to say was a hard thing this last week. Being so far out of my usual self TO snap was hard. I’m still feeling some real doubts about my ability to step up and be the person I need to be, be the calm that I need to be.
– Falling into an anxiety attack Sunday night, where Sad and Scared Me needed me to hear how scared she was of not being the kind of calm I need to be for the week. Any evening where I find myself obsessively reading dime store novels to try and escape, catch myself trying to escape the fear, and sit down to invite it in and make it welcome, then wind up trying to hide myself as tightly as possible in a corner of the sofa to feel safe… yup, that’s a hard.
– I was drastically over-scheduled almost all of last week, with things to do, and had to postpone and reschedule half of them. Did not make me feel good to have to put extra work into changing my scheduling and apologizing to people. Lost some sleep sitting up trying to figure out the scheduling thing, and Monkey Mind decided to put on the radio, which means while I was sitting up doing some journaling to get stuff out of my head so I could sleep, I had to contend with 3 lines from separate songs rotating through my head in sequence. At top volume.
– Working my way through the Lasater’s book, and feeling really disappointed at how difficult self-empathy is right now. Now that I put words to that feeling, there’s probably some Perfectionist Monsters in there who think I should be able to pull off anything in a single bound. Nice of them to think so highly of me.
– Mint is nagging me about the last couple of ebooks I bought, says I’ve gone over our budget. Guilt-feeling arises from that, especially since I’ve done it all myself, and haven’t even bought The Bear his books yet. The last few, I’ve put on credit, pay-later, not debit, pay-now. It WILL work out, yes it will. Just… the guilt isn’t listening when it sees the nag emails. More guilt-feeling yet, there’s still books I want to order and want nownownow, so that Later Me can read them.
The Good:
+ Reading http://fluentself.com//blog/personal/thirty-days-of-relaxation/ and the comments gave me some insight into how I can approach my self-care goal for the year, and I sat down and came up with a list of qualities that relaxing has for me, then listed some activities for each quality – sooooo much good stuff there, so helpful.
+ The Bear forgot his pills once again over the weekend, and took them when I reminded him, because, he said, he didn’t want to have an argument with me. Sooo happy that he’s starting to understand the effect it has when he forgets them.
+ Some vague ideas about how my goals for the year *might* go. Nothing over-detailed, because over-detailed frequently doesn’t work for me. Hmm. Maybe that should go into the Book of Me.